Dating coach or dating mentor? | The Shadchan Shmooze - Episode 2

in your opinion what is the difference between a dating coach and a mentor i think that a lot of us use those words interchangeably and you know if you look them up online they don't necessarily apply um so i mean i call myself self a dating coach and i call myself a dating mentor i don't i i'm not really sure that there is a difference if somebody else has a you know an opinion on that i would love to hear it but i i'm not sure that there's there is a difference oh rafama you're uh certified dating coach well so am i though i use them interchangeably yeah yeah we took the same course together we took it so um yeah i mean i don't and i and i think that the person who who taught us uses them interchangeably as well so but let's just say the some of the women in the rabbitsons program are not necessarily certified dating coaches but we will call them a mentor so i can definitely see entert them interchangeably but i i if i had to differentiate the two i would do it this way i would say to me a mentor somebody that works on sort of the individual single and guiding them specifically so i know a mentor for example that makes all the calls in regards to references so they'll do the la that leg work for them or they work with a particular media or medos that maybe they need to work on in order to for them to become a better candidate for marriage whereas a dating coach to me is somebody that guides the couple in the process of dating i would think that if i'm working with a couple then i'm doing couples therapy meaning you know to me that's very different than doing then coaching for me coaching is everything she just said it is helping somebody on their you know with their meadows or their or the way they're approaching dating or the way they're thinking about the single or the way they're processing what what's happened on their date do you make reference calls for them i will yes if somebody once would i will so according to google mentoring is a long-term process based on mutual trust and respect coaching on the other hand is for a short period of time mentoring is more focused on creating an informal association between the mentor and mentee whereas coaching follows a more structured and formal approach okay so i i took a course about 20 something years ago i call i use the terms interchangeably but i do think there's a different connotation a mentor is a role model a mentor is a person that and you develop that relationship based on literally mentoring when we think of how mentors work that's what they do they help guide people and they by example a coach is is where you literally help them notice things about themselves and help them work on things they need to work on and so interchangeably when a person's going through either a particular up or they're dating in general you're going to help them um be their best selves one thing i'll just add i think this was earlier but i think it's all part parcel with this i tell everyone how do you people always say how do you know how do you know how do you know you know what up is good it's bringing out the best in you if you like who you are when you're with that person and i always do checks and balances with both sides to make sure do you like who you are do you do you feel comfortable can you be yourself you know do they accept the parts of you that are not so polished yet and and i think you know mentoring and coaching again is a very important part of it they might have a mentor that's very imp you know part of their life that they like to turn to when they're going out who's been through shidduchim with them that doesn't mean that you as the shock owner or the extra coach or whatever can't add to that experience and it'll help them see things that maybe they're overlooking and you know because the goal is to have a good healthy marriage and so you know input from different people will help them i think usually at what point would you say that would you suggest that they that someone go to see a dating coach ideally before ideally before you're in a relationship right when you decide you're going to start dating call your dating coaches before you run it you say that everybody needs to have a dating coach yes yes i would say so yes as well dating is not something we do naturally and the dating system that we have is really it's a mishmash we took the western culture we took the hasidis or european culture we missed it together it's it is what it is because we're not going to change it so we need to learn how to utilize the system to our benefit um people will call me after seven days and say save me now it's really hard for me to jump back in get to know you i don't know who you are you're a stranger get to know how you date get to know what went on listen to the wasted time that you did because you went on four second dates and really did nothing it's really frustrating for everybody so if i would have been with you in the beginning you would date one two three four in a certain way and i'm not gonna go into our whole you know class and then you would continue but you would use your time and progression and you'd use your time properly and you would feel like yeah yes okay so just for argument's sake here for argument's sake what happened to the people for the last 20 years that didn't have dating coaches i believe that um relationships with what men were going back many years we all had i mean not we because i'm talking about pre my day um there was much more relationship we're not relationship while you're today and we're not following it kids don't have a grandmother that they speak with they don't have an aunt that they speak with they don't have that relationship schools are not providing girls with mentors they're missing that if i see a girl and i asked her what are your values and she can't even answer me means no one ever stopped her and said stop to think who you are i guess it would depend on certain factors one would be if they find they keep hitting the same brick wall they keep getting two dates in or four dates in and then not further or they find that people are saying no to them often or the other reason would be if they are working with their parents and their parents are involved and yet they're working at cross purposes or the parent thinks they need somebody of a different hush than what they think they need or something like that those types of things can be very helpful to have a coach the truth is i think every single especially above a certain age really every single should have a dating mentor or coach and that doesn't necessarily have to be an official paid position i think it's just somebody off of whom you could bounce your feelings who is a reliable person who has a head on their shoulders who understands relationships and to whom you're able to kind of express yourself and be able to discuss the state of the relationship a lot of singles especially as they get older don't really understand the progression of the dating path and what happens is they can get easily stuck they can get stuck on externals they can get stuck on not being able to move the relationship forward because they're not investing emotionally in the relationship um and they don't really understand why they feel this way and being able to have a really reliable dating mentor coach can help them to kind of find what's underlying their angst is it about the boy or is it about themselves it can give them an option to kind of like let loose in a way in a good way emotionally and be able to really expose themselves so they can actually bridge the gap and build a relationship and make it go somewhere so really i think everybody should have a dating mentor coach but i definitely believe that as people get older it's imperative but would you say there's like let's say you know one specific sign or a specific indication that like you know what if they you know until now they haven't but like okay at this point you really need to have one like any turning point where you would say that like this is you know out of the regular i think that if someone is expressing a lot of anxiety or fear and it's kind of undisclosed why they can't really point a finger at what exactly is causing that anxiety um it's definitely time for a dating coach i think that if they can't become emotionally involved enough to kind of really um give the boy or the girl a real fighting chance to make this relationship a go they definitely need a dating coach because they're not going to be able to take those steps without someone kind of gently pushing them along and guiding them along they're just going to end up being stuck and saying it's a no and only because they just can't take it to the next step a dating coach or a therapist a dating coach can help them with that unless they have deep seated issues if they have deep seated issues they're going to need a therapist but you know that could involve any trauma or past uh you know real things that have come up in their life maybe relationships with their own parents or trauma and their in their parental in their parents marital relationship you know those kinds of things definitely could uh require a therapist but i think that for most people who just may have some you know low level anxiety or just maybe don't have the best connection ability on their own they don't know how to connect uh with people easily and it takes more time for them you know they may need a dating coach in your opinion what is the number one reason that is holding some people back many people back from finding their bachelorette i'm going to be very honest and it's going to sound a little social working but that's what brought me to the field of social work i feel that unfortunately a lot of the singles don't know themselves and they're not comfortable with themselves a little bit on the what kaya major was just saying um i my mantra is date yourself before you date someone else get to know yourself if you had some trauma there's nothing wrong with going for some therapy be comfortable with yourself because unless you're comfortable with yourself you cannot be comfortable with someone else and you just will not be able to connect and have a relationship you won't have the emotional space in your head you won't under understand you're likely to go into a codependent relationship which is very unhappy even if you won't be happy right away in 10 years you'll be extremely unhappy or divorced i think that some singles or maybe many singles are looking for this perfect person and maybe they have 10 or 15 or even longer lists of what they think and they think they will find all these things in one person and it doesn't exist um i think that's a big problem i wanted to add that i find that people are looking for somebody who's a profile this hashgrapha this school this height this style and they're not really focused on a person um i'm much more in favor of looking at personalities and seeing if the personalities will do well together and as the people who know me know i married a man who's everything that's not on my list but who's of course the right person to be married to so i do tend to look at potential should open more in terms of personality structure and if i think these people could get along emotionally and meet each other's needs i think that the number one reason might be because people have a preconceived notion in their head sometimes of the exact type of person that he or she wants to marry maybe it's even someone that they saw around or that they've dated previously but it didn't work out or somebody uh or maybe a combination of somebodies like it's it's their father's meet up and their brothers and you know incredible and their uncles um combined with you know it's like everybody's uh perfect traits all meshed and mushed into one perfect you know guy or perfect girl and that perfect somebody doesn't really exist in the world so i think that the best thing for someone to do to get married is to try to wipe their mind of that mr or mrs perfect or miss perfect i should say and try to just be realistic about the fact that everybody has differences everybody has foibles everybody has imperfections and that you're marrying a person a person with every single part of them and you have to appreciate each and every person you go out with for who that person is could you give us two examples of being flexible um two examples of being flexible but you already said one about age yeah um i find that people judge um based on a picture and a lot of times they'll be like no and they'll just because her smile was like a little like this or her nose was a little flared or whatever it is like i find that they're judged on the picture and if you look at the person who they are them and like talk to them get to know their personality they're so much more it could be that they're not photogenic so i think just being flexible in that area um i think that could really help prolong another one get people moving and dating and marriages i don't know oh and and then they age yeah that's true i think that um the flexibility could have to do with hearing the other person has certain scheduling um requirements and perhaps they they can only meet at certain times which might mean making some arrangements on your own of changing things around uh it could mean on the date let's say you're offered a drink but you don't particularly feel like having a drink at that moment but it would show uh graciousness it would show flexibility if you're able to say um sure let's let's have a drink so i i think i think that flexibility goes along with being gracious we were always advised for our own children and when we had certain situations that were um things that might accommodate the other person to be flexible and gracious and um i think that's that's a wonderful thing and it bodes well for for the future in a relationship being you know being able to get into a new relationship with someone who you never knew before definitely requires flexibility and um that's probably one of the reasons why they say try to keep the up closer to home like you know don't mix cultures so much because it makes it hard even though adele has done it and it worked very well but in general that's what they try to say um but even when you do have similar backgrounds obviously you don't know the person upbringing was going to be different so you got to be flexible when either when looking into him or her or on the date that you have to not take everything so at face value or not to get sensitive about things and try to like ask questions and try to figure things out rather than just you know write people off because it's probably not my type