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Not So Funny: The Ugly Side of Addiction
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Not So Funny: The Ugly Side of Addiction Tom Arnold @thetomarnold and Sarge @sargeandincharge discuss their struggle with addiction
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foreign
[Music]
and um we are so honored to be working
uh on this little get-together it just
it's a long time coming but we're
finally here for amudim and um for those
of you who are not part of ahmudim many
of you are but some of you aren't
amadeem unite to heal provide services
to help uh mitigate some of the
difficulties and some of the
circumstances which make many different
difficulties in life easier to handle
um mental health uh food people are food
challenge people are living challenge
um and we are here tonight
um on this little get together to talk
about addiction which has a myriad of
directions that we can go but
um my name is Sergeant and tonight Tom
Tom Arnold and I are going to chit chat
and and talk about our own personal
Journeys and what we have been through
and the solution and the remedies the
stigmas some of the things that we have
have done to achieve a level of sobriety
and to stay clean
um also
um the aspect of it that is so prevalent
in amudim which is uniting to heal uh
there is no Sarge and I can speak for
Tom I think when I say there is no sober
Tom Arnold um unless we Unite with other
people who have traveled the same roads
that we have and have been on the same
Journey that we've been on
um and so
consequently here we are and um I want
to welcome Tom Arnold on on the
conversation also how you doing Tom good
man it's an honor to be here number one
I'm with a fellow alcoholic and so
anytime there's two of us together uh
that's a Beatty and I can always use it
I'm honored to be involved with this
this uh program because uh of of the the
kindness aspects of it and the
compassion and and you know uh I this
disease addiction
affects every community and and I think
that uh I think that's important but I
think that the things that saves me
every day is being a part of the
addiction Community a part of the
recover recovery community and part of
that is being of service like we are
today it's a very selfish thing for me
being in service because it benefits me
the most
and uh you know maybe I'll share a
little bit about my my journey sorry so
that you could share your journey did
you if you don't mind well just see to
frame it inherent to the Jewish
Community yes um there was a
psychiatrist from Pittsburgh named um
avraham toursky and he was one of the
original addictionologists and original
psychiatrist who was also a rabbi and he
brought a lot of secular crossover into
the religious aspects of his own
personal life he Blended his recovery
life with his religious life and if you
heard tourski speak and twersky was very
big with amudim and with uh the Jewish
Charities
um but as it turns out he was able to
find a way that it not be so religious
but that it be recovery and when it
comes to God when it comes to a higher
power when it comes to whatever you call
your higher power or however that came
to be for you
um it was interesting how this this
Rabbi toerski who I I was fortunate
enough to get to meet in Miami at an
event a number of years ago and we both
spoke on the same panel it was
absolutely life-changing because he
explained the importance of
the higher power in the journey whether
we were aware of it or not the higher
power being there all along so I just
wanted to make that statement because
that's the group that we're that we're
speaking to tonight and I would love to
hear about how you began your journey
really where your sobriety began yeah
and and where the light came on for you
you know in that way well let me just
say this about God some people get
bugged about it I believe obviously I
didn't create all this I didn't I look
at my kids I'm like oh yeah I did
everything I did look outside I did
everything I think it's important I
always tell guys they're like yeah I
don't want to be religious it's it's a
spiritual program it doesn't matter what
your religion is or whatever you just
have to believe that something greater
than you out there it could be that
doorknob you could that could you could
start with that but there's something
greater and it certainly has made made
things easier for me that I'm not
responsible for everything that I I'm
not the guy you know there's something
greater out there and certainly I've
seen the evidence of it I that's just
the way I look at it
um you know I started I'm from a small
town in Iowa uh there were four Jewish
families and uh uh and we used to say uh
yeah not enough to hate but uh there
were there was a small community and my
my grandparents on my mother's side uh
uh worked in the meat packing plant in
fact it was uh uh a pork processing
plant believe it or not but it was a it
was a small tight knit Community they
had the high holy days where it already
seagulls Western Wear and they'd have a
rabbi come down for duboid and they go
back of Artie seagulls and uh he was a
character but you know when I came to La
I had a Stepside that was tied to get
bar mitzvahid and so I studied with him
for a year at the University of
synagogue down here because I didn't
know enough you know and uh and what the
rabbi told me was at the end of it well
what what do you think uh Judaism is how
do you define it Eddie I said I don't
know what goes around Cubs are out he
said that's it but it goes around comes
around so being a part of an
organization like this or doing this
with usard is a such a blessing for me
and I will live another day because of
it I I grew up where everybody drank
everybody it was a hard you know it was
it was a hard town it's a meat packing
plant town you know and so from an early
age I we I started drinking I suppose 12
or 13.
um and I started getting arrested you
know because that's what happens you
start you get in fights with police you
act like a fool you get arrested and I
kept thinking I remember being in the
back of a squad car uh uh thinking
there's something better for me out
there if I could just get it get a
handle on this stuff there is something
better and I think I'm gonna blow it but
I always believed in something greater
out there and and in my case it turned
out to be you know I had dreams to be an
actor you know which is crazy if you're
from us that small town I had dreams of
you know I remember working at the meat
packing plant which I worked on the kill
floor of the meat packing plant for
three years after high school to say
buddy for college because I do oh if I
get to that college that I'm going to
have a chance because people are
different there there's all kinds of
different people at the University of
Iowa in my hometown Ottumwa everybody
looked the same everybody did the same
but I said if I could get out of here do
that and I used to daydream here I don't
know if you've ever worked at a meat
Packer Club but your your chiseling
heads or you're doing boating hams or
whatever you do and you Daydream and I
remember I had a Daydream that I was
best friends with Robin Williams and
first let me say Robin Williams who is
one of us
uh everything good you've ever heard
about Robin Williams is true and then
some and if I call him at three in the
morning and said so-and-so's in trouble
whether he knew him or not he'd be he'd
be like Tom let's go get him and when
you say one of us Tom and when you say
one of us
um I know what you mean but explain to
the people what that means he was one of
us Robert was a a recovering uh uh
alcoholic you know and he worked very
hard in Robin's case uh he was dealing
with three things and and uh um he had a
mental illness he had a brain disease he
had Parkinson's so maybe more than three
um what what I anyway I would Daydream I
was best friends with Robin Williams
said I get home from the meat packet
plant and I'd be look in the mirror like
I'm crazy I have to quit having dreams
because it's so disappointing what that
they're not gonna come true and ten
years later I'm sitting at Robin
Williams house because we're doing a
movie Nine Months and and we have a the
night before we started working on the
movie he had a dinner and then at the
end of it I'm sitting there with Robin
and I said I've been here before and
he's like in my house I go no no here me
you best friends and he said we're not
best friends I go I know but it's it's
close enough to my dream
so with Robin like a lot of us
it's you don't know you can't get a
handle on your mental illness or
whatever that other thing is until you
get clean and sober and a lot of people
have dual addictions you know I had to
get cleated sober before I dealt with
things that happened in my childhood you
know there was a pedophile in my
neighborhood uh uh something I just
blocked out blocked out blocked out and
then when I got sober I went oh yeah and
I ended up tracking the guy down and you
know he's a big religious leader he has
big business of course uh made super
Christian guy you know and I found him
and and I went to his place of business
and confronted him and didn't I didn't
beat him up or I didn't want to get in
more trouble but I confronted him and it
felt like a big I came out of there and
I felt like a ton of bricks had been
taken off my my chest and I went right
over to the Iowa capitol building to the
governor's office said you got to do
something about this guy because the
police say the statute of limitations is
up and and you got to stop he's a he's
about to adopt his fourth son
and he said that Governor tied Terry
Branson said oh my God that'd be a
federal offense you're asking me to
commit a federal offense I'm not even
going to pretend you weren't here get
out of here we you know and then about
uh four days later my brother called
who'd found him my brothers are really
good about fighting people and said the
his adoption fell through the guy's
adoption that paperwork staff who
whatever and I that's God right there
but then I thought have I done enough
have I died in front of the guy I did
this and and so I put up posters kid
high six blocks around his house and had
my brothers redo them every few days
saying his name his face his crimes
and I just felt like I had to uh let the
other kids know and that's again one of
the gifts of sobriety is that happen and
then my sister of course who was a
gangster
and uh they did there's a documentary
series about her called the queen of
Meth
she was the biggest drug dealer in
America she got busted of course that's
what happens and during her trial I went
back to Iowa to support her that's what
you do with your your family and and a
person came up to me and said I I know I
know uh who I know about the guy that
that raped you because he did the same
thing to his old brother who I'm married
to
and then 30 other kids came forward
adults now but they saw that and they
said oh yeah I'm from that neighborhood
this is what happened you know there was
so much shame attached to that and I
think with boys you're you're you know
you're always going I got to keep that
Deb I got to keep that a secret because
that seems but uh because I got sober I
could do it the right way too you know I
practiced what I was going to say to the
guy and and handled it the right way and
did it you know as many legal things as
I could and got the word out and that's
just something that would have never
happened if I hadn't got so it made it
easier to stay sober because I didn't
have that cloud right here tell us
though tell us though about I'm I'm
interested in in knowing the linchpin
point the point at which your addiction
was something that you had to do
something about
and you began to do something about it
and then the lights came on regarding
the solution you know because these are
these are all these are all you know
repressed trauma horrible things that
happen to you horrible things that
happened in your family you personally
you know your recovery Journey when did
you get sober
um the last time and that was it when
you just you know I I uh my mother was a
just a terrible alcoholic she she left
our family when I was four she left me
with that babysitter so uh you know I I
knew what alcoholism looked like you
know she was married seven times in our
small town she made my sister get
married when she was 14 to a 22 year old
pedophile I mean that's that's how you
end up in the drug business I think
um I I I got arrested a bunch of times
too for a drunk driving fighting with
the police doing these things I kept you
know in the back of my mind I kept
thinking I've got to I've got to get it
together and in 1986 I went to my first
12-step meeting and and I liked you know
there was a people that I'd known there
and it was the first time I tried to be
sober I didn't go enough and I stayed
sober for six months and then I was this
in Iowa was this
I moved to Minneapolis by then I moved
to Minneapolis
um in 1989 though after I moved to Los
Angeles to write the rose ad show in
um I got out here and and I met a dealer
like my first day and and and he was a
big dealer and he said I could sell you
in quantity it's cheaper and I was like
oh yeah that's what I got to do because
I have a job at this good writing job oh
I'll buy quantity I'll buy more than I
need so that I won't do it and I don't
think I've ever I ever went to bed
without doing everything drinking every
drink doing you know and and so I
escalated once I got out here and I
ended up the hospital once and then in
1989 it was a it was a big it was a big
public thing and I was driving home to
my fiance Roseanne in our house and I
went to the game did you ever have this
kind of money in your pocket either I
mean it was the oh you but no I hadn't
but but they're just there's never
enough money for this people always say
only if I had this much money then I
could do what I wanted and I wouldn't
want to do it and that's this disease is
a killer this disease is waiting for you
to think that so uh we lived up there in
a bit of candy and I went to our gate
and I couldn't remember the code you
know and it was my birthday that was the
code I had to go up and on Mulholland
and call Roseanne and and say can you
come down the gate let me and I knew
she'd be so mad and so I parked the car
there and she she pulls her car up gets
out of the car comes towards me I
thought well she's gonna hit me or you
know I deserve that or whatever but but
she just hugged me and said I just want
you to come home and that moment uh you
know that was a Moment of clarity from
God right that like that's not what is
supposed to happen and I I it really uh
uh stuck with me it still has stuck with
me and I went back and then I got a cab
and I went to rehab and uh uh you know I
have it I learned things in that first
rehab you know my sobriety has been a
process you know I haven't drank since
the 80s but at 19 years sober I wrecked
my motorcycle on PCH and I'd always said
to people hey I'm not an opioid guy I I
was a booze and cocaid or whatever I
don't get it what you guys the opioids
but at 90 years sober I was laying on
PCH and the ambulance came are you in
pain and I said yeah and he said I've
got to fix that it gave me a shot of
Fentanyl and I was like oh no that's
that's what I've needed my whole life
that so I took a 20-year cake
knowing I was still on to pain
medication from the summer before which
is inappropriate then I started over I
started my sobriety over and and with
the new lessons I learned and I never
stopped going to to 12-step meetings I
never stopped being of service I never
stopped being around people that's what
saved my life is along this process what
I've had a bump of the road I've got a
great group of people uh like yourself
Sarge that that uh you know that live a
good life and I could you know just be
around them has been very helpful
how did I miss you how did I miss you I
I was I lived in Los Angeles for 11
years I went to the Log Cabin five days
a week I went to the Virgin America
meeting in the basement of the Virgin
Store on Sunset across from the lab
Factory every Saturday I went after that
meeting I would go over to Roxbury for
the CA meeting and sit with Shadow at
that meeting I I don't know how I missed
you ever because I was I was ever
everywhere conceivably because I just
love
sober friends so much and love being
around the unite to heal thing I don't
feel as comfortable around just regular
people
um I don't feel like like socially
personally emotionally I don't feel like
I can totally be myself unless I'm
around other people like you like you
and I we've never really broken bread
we've never spent a lot of time together
yet we could get together like this and
I know you're telling the truth every
step of the way I it's totally legit
totally valid
um how did we miss each other in this
journey I I don't I don't know how that
happened but yeah well you know the
thing is you and I the you know we sit
there we go oh he knows me I know him he
I know you know and a lot of times you
get together with people in recovery and
that the stories you tell are horrible
to other people they're frightening I
was thinking I was gonna do this and
they start laughing that's crazy because
but it but it's it's helpful I have to
say two five and a half years ago a
little about five and a half years ago I
became my own doctor and I started
taking benzos and benzos are sket you
know be careful with benzos like like uh
Xanax and things like that and I it
became a problem so I went back five and
a half years ago to another rehab and
worked on that and because at the time
my kids were four and one and I just I
just knew I can't be a good father and
you know have any kind of issues like
this so my you know relapse has been a
part of my journey and and I tell people
you know not to give up obviously and
don't let people shame you you know we
have a disease you know the best thing
you could do is get around other people
that have that disease and and you know
there's organizations like this and and
uh it shines a light on this stuff
because if if there's so much shame
involved and you know this art I know
this from when I was using that the
secret and the lies and the shame you
know and I don't have to do that anymore
that's a big relief today I have to get
my story straight you know it's just
it's a great relief no that's amazing um
you know to give you a little thumbnail
because you have no idea
um when I when I got sober it was
because I'd been homeless for about nine
months in New York City now I grew up in
um Long Island in a very wealthy suburb
called Great Neck I moved to Manhattan I
went to Juilliard I was a child prodigy
I was supposed I was marked for
greatness
um I ended up in New York City in
Manhattan and after a number of career
changes which we're not going to get
into because we only have one evening
um I ended up homeless on the streets of
New York behind three different kinds of
addictions I was on um I was on angel
dust I was on crack I was on ketamine
and I was drinking and I was stealing
for my habit and you know people ask me
well when did you know things were going
to be different I didn't know things
were going to be different but what
happened was I still had a lot of
friends left over because I had been a
modeling agent a booking agent in the
modeling business I had worked in the
television uh production I worked for
CBS Sports on on 6 Avenue with BlackRock
I had a bunch of amazing jobs I had no
problem getting hired I just couldn't
stay anywhere like I would get hired
places because of my personality and
because of my engagement and then people
would say um we we can't keep you here
you can't you know you can't stay
because we there's something wrong with
you and we're not sure what it is it
could have been the angel dust I was
smoking in the bathroom the PCP to make
a long story short when I finally the
bottom dropped out of my life and I
ended up on the streets
I had one friend left who I asked if I
could use his apartment because he
didn't know I was homeless and he went
to Aspen to go skiing and he said I'll
leave the keys with the doorman and he
left the keys and I went and I used the
apartment and shortly after that I had
to get high because I had a 300 a day
crack habit so I took all the things I
could find in the drawers and jewelry uh
a couple of very expensive Van Cleef and
Arpels watches cufflinks a necklace a
gold brooch uh some diamond stud
earrings that he had from his
grandmother I took them all I went down
to 47th Street to the Hasidic Jewelry
Exchange down there I traded it in for
about three grand I went and did a major
blowout which lasted me about three days
when he came home he couldn't find his
stuff he didn't know what to make of it
we ran into each other on the street
believe it or not we ran into each other
on the street I was homeless but I ran
into this guy and he said to me where's
my stuff and I said um I I I I sold it
for drugs and I was very heavy I was
about 360 pounds at the time was the
fattest crack addict in New York and uh
so he said what kind of drugs are you
using I said crack he says
it must be some very high calorie crack
he says you're quite heavy I said well I
know I said uh I I can't explain it so
he said well let's get you some help
then and instead of pressing charges
instead of calling the cops he went to
an intervention counselor and 24 hours
later I was on a flight and I was headed
to a place called Delray Beach Florida
um so this was nine years of drinking
and drugging and now I show up on the
steps of a treatment center at 10 15 in
the evening no detox
um there was you know back in those days
you know to give you a time frame this
was the day after Christmas 1990. so
should I just so happen to stay sober
another month or so
um that will be my 33rd sober Christmas
but
not bragging just saying I walk in and
this gentleman meets me at the door and
he says uh wow he says uh you really
stink he says uh are you an alcoholic
and I said uh no no I'm a crack addict I
do all kinds of other drugs I do a PCP
ketamine and all these other things he
says well
um uh you're not an alcoholic I said no
no I'm a drug addict I just drink when I
can't get drugs and he says okay right
right he says uh how many drinks did you
have on the plane and I said well I had
um
uh I had 11 11. I had 11 drinks on the
plane and he said well it's a good thing
you're not an alcoholic I said why is
that he said because an alcoholic would
have had 12 drinks he says so you're one
drink shy of alcoholism he says let's
get to work on the crack and he and he
took me into the place
and uh he went through my luggage which
was a a trash bag not from a kitchen but
a bathroom trash bag like a small little
sack and he said uh why don't you go in
the other room and ask God to remove the
obsession to drink and Drug from your
life and I said who and he said God I
said God now
I've been Bar Mitzvah I've been to shul
as a kid you know we went every every
every Sabbath we we we celebrated the
holidays but you know what I never
really
had anything to do with God I never
prayed really I I mean I may have prayed
the Foxhole prayers when you when you
were hoping you weren't going to get
suspended from school or when a girl was
going to break up with you or when you
were going to get fired or or whatever
I've never really connected and he said
please go in the other room and hit your
knees and ask for the obsession to be
removed so I went in the other room and
I did it I sat in a chair and I was
sitting up I hit my knees with my hands
I was tapping my knees and I came out
and the gentleman said to me um did you
do it and I said yes I did and he says
well then come on let's go get you
checked in we'll put you in your room
and uh and so that's what they did and I
did that thing and he took me to the
room and I woke up the next day and for
some reason the spell had been broken
um and you know this is true I mean a
lot of people don't believe you but I'm
a one and done guy I didn't have the
desire to there were no fences there
were no electric fences there were no
barbed wire there were no locks on the
doors that I was in Florida you know
where you can go this way or that way
and get whatever you need if you wait at
the beach a bale of cocaine will
eventually wash up at your feet in
Florida so
I had no desire and um the spell had
been broken I stayed there for 42 days
now incidentally there are no
coincidences that gentleman who met me
at the door at 10 15 at night the day
after Christmas 1990 is my sponsor to
this day and he was The Clinical
Director of this particular little
mom-and-pop treatment center but he's my
guy Mike he's still my guy
um and so there I am 42 days I lived in
a half white house after being from Big
Bad fantastic unbelievable New York and
all of this ivy league education that I
was exposed to I'm a guy bringing the
carts off a lot at Home Depot and 104
degree heat in South Florida because I
was told the way you eat an elephant is
one bite at a time and um and so there I
was I got myself a sponsor
and then uh uh you know I was encouraged
by my sponsor to meditate and he said to
me uh why don't you go on the beach and
go get honest with yourself and think
about what you would attempt to do with
your life if you couldn't fail all right
so who am I gonna who am I gonna talk to
he goes well talk to God and once again
this God thing came up and I was like
okay I'll talk to God like and I I went
along with it well anyhow I went to the
beach and um I closed my eyes
and I made an attempt to do the 11th
step which in our fellowship of recovery
is
um to to to improve my conscious contact
with my higher power asking only for his
knowledge of his will for uh me and the
power to carry that out and so through
prayer and meditation and so I went and
I I do little prayers and I meditated I
sat quietly and I got a vision in my
mind of a time when I was six when my
grandfather
took me in a place called grossingers
which was the Catskill Mountains and he
took me to see Don Rickles opening for
Sammy Davis Jr in this gigantic showroom
and I was sick
and I was under the table with a
tablecloth over me and my grandfather
moved the tablecloth to the side and I
remember watching Rickles work in that
room
sweating bullets
sweating Israeli bullet
behind the table and I Saw 2 000 people
in shambles and I remember at six
thinking I don't know what this guy's
talking about
but I want to do that yeah
and so when I went to my next group
meeting I said to him I said I know what
I want to do I want to be a comedian
now this all happened under the auspices
of God
cut to New York I'm on my journey now
I'm someone who prays and meditates
every single day I'm someone who can't
drink before I go on stage or smoke a
joint in order to take away and in
amudim circles they would call it
spilkus spilkus is you know spookus is
not butterflies in your stomach it's
pterodactyls yeah
I don't have that luxury and I'm in New
York doing open mics
and um I pray in the bathroom and then I
go on fearlessly
um with all of my Character defects
sequestered and quarantined for the
moment I'm going on stage to be a
comedian and um I go up at this club on
the upper west side called Stand Up New
York and uh I come off stage after this
one particularly decent set and a
Gentleman grabs me by the elbow and he
says um you're the reason I come here I
said really and I said are you are you
hitting on me or he goes no no no I was
a comedian he says
I live in the neighborhood I pop in I'm
always glad to see you're going to be
performing and I'm nobody at this point
I'm still nobody but I'm even more
nobody then so now he says come on let's
go grab a slice so I said I can eat and
he says yeah you look like you can eat
and so now we go out of the place and we
go to the corner and uh every corner had
a pizza place a Korean market and a
Starbucks I don't know what it's like
now in New York but that's what it was
and so we go to the corner it was uh
Rose Pizza original famous authentic
genuine race so we go in and the guy
says you want a beer and I said
I learned this from my gurus in Florida
from sobriety I said I don't drink and
he says you don't drink why do you
emphasize don't and I say it's because
shouldn't means things go crazy when I
do can't means I still want to don't
means I don't
and
so I take you to just a snippet of
neuro-linguistic programming not only do
we have to change our friends and our
places and our people we have to change
our words because we hear ourselves and
when we're full of it and when we're not
speaking the right words we actually are
wrongly programming the hard drive and
so my guys knew this I don't know how
they knew it but I learned don't I don't
misrepresent myself I don't take things
that don't belong to me anymore I don't
embellish embroider or try to impress
people I don't drink
these are the things I don't do and he
said to me wow you don't drink he says
why don't you drink I said because I'm
an alcoholic he says doesn't that mean
you do drink I said no it means I used
to drink now I don't he says so you're
one of those AAA people you go to those
meetings I said yes I'll go to AAA I'd
ride around with a uh jumper cables and
a gallon of gas in the car in case
someone no I go to AAA I go to double a
I go to the AAA meetings where I got
Perry Street I go to Perry Street I go
to the 79th Street Workshop like over a
year ago over there he says wow he said
that's amazing how'd you get sober and I
told them the story I just told you Tom
I said you know well I you know like
went to this place the guy told me to
hit my knees I woke up the next day I
never drank or drugged again he said to
me and who did this for you and said God
and I he says and you believe that and I
said well yeah that's that's the story
I've been going with for the last four
and a half years he says to me well
he says um do you suppose you would have
prayed if that gentleman didn't invite
you to when you arrived at that place
and I said no I I would probably not
have prayed had he not invited me to he
says had you prayed a lot before you got
to that but I said no I hadn't he said
so let me ask you something do you
suppose it might have been something
about being invited to or directed to
that could have been just as important
as the prayer itself because had you not
been ready to take the direction had you
not been ready to take the invitation
and do what you were told there would
have been no prayer there would have
been no transition there would have been
no conscious contact there may have not
have been any waking up the next day
without that desire to do that and I
thought to myself wow
so you mean the taking of the direction
was as important as the prayer itself he
said maybe even more so
and it kind of twisted my head and then
we began to have our pizza and he gave
me his card at the end and he told me if
I ever want to come to the light show
the laser light show at the planetarium
I was more than welcome to and I put the
card in my pocket I didn't think
anything of it and then a couple months
later I was on the road I think I was in
Slidell Louisiana and I'm in some Hotel
drinking a diet coke and eating a
Snickers bar after a show and um I
emptied out my pants and the card that
fell out of these pants that I've been
wearing and um it fell on the floor and
I put it on the desk and then I laid
down to watch some TV and I'm clipping
around the channels and all of a sudden
there's the guy
he started on that Geo he's got a show
he's talking about the universe and he's
talking about you know it was Neil it
was Neil deGrasse Tyson that's good I
like him
and he's not a god guy yeah
oh my sober friends are God guys and so
I learned one of the biggest pieces of
spiritual aspiration inspiration from
somebody that's not even a god guy that
I need to be someone who is willing to
take direction from people who know how
to do this because otherwise I have no
shot Tom on an ongoing basis at either
staying clean or becoming the kind of
person that doesn't resort to letting
his addictions become the better part of
him again and so I know right now in
your life you're engaged in a in a
struggle and in a difficult time that
you're working through right now and
it's entirely on the side of family it's
entirely on the side of love and and and
and strength and courage what you're
about and what you're doing and I know
you're doing that and you couldn't do
this if you were still battling yourself
you know um right you're right and I I
thank God every day that I am and and
five and a half years ago when I was
taking the Xanax there it I had a
feeling something in my head said
it's gonna be this is it
it's good it's over this is what's gonna
happen it's gonna take you have to go
back a day at a time get your sobriety
back but this is it something changed in
my brain because I I still holding out
of that I'm very grateful you know you
you talk about uh uh you know when I
first got sober the first time
I did not like the guy in the mirror at
all so you're supposed to love yourself
and I did not I hated myself
but I I did a trick that a guy said do
you have any pictures of yourself when
you were four
did I say I'll find one he said carry
that and when you feel like that pull
that out and you feel like maybe you're
not worth it pull that picture out and
look at yourself when you were four and
and say that kid's worth it I'm going to
be here for that kid that kid deserves
to be protected that day he deserves and
so that is was very helpful to me
because that kid's also part of me
obviously and so but I used I still use
it you know I'll see that picture I'll
go that kid man nobody was looking out
for him I'm gonna do that and then when
you have your own children which you
know in nine nine and a half years ago
my son was born six and a half my
daughter uh that is such a game changer
because the moment they're both you
always say oh I want to have
unconditional love and you get married
like I have it but you both say you love
each other conditionally but that's just
not true there's conditions as there
should be
but the moment my son was born I looked
at him and I just felt there is so much
unconditional love both ways I mean he's
going to love me whether I'm a terrible
dad or a great dad so I'm going to be a
great dad and now I can't complain that
I've never been unconditionally loved I
got four Ex-Wives and uh I I used to be
able to say well I've never really been
unconditionally loved but but I can't
say that anymore because I I have I am
and I have and uh you know as as you
said the issues I'm dealing with or uh
things that involve the kids which are
the most you know I've really had to
work on my
to remind myself be sober number one
because anytime you do a battle as it
were you want to be your best and and
the worst thing I could do is even
because people are rooting against me
and I'm sure that there you've been in a
position where they're that somebody
they're just counting on me to just to
screw up but I I'm here for my kids and
I'm I'm strong and it's not always easy
you know uh I'm not tempted to use I
could get there it could something could
come by head like I don't want to feel
any of this
um maybe I'll be sneaky maybe I'll do
this thing but knock on wood it it has
been different and you know I tell
people they said you want a drink I say
I I have an allergy to alcohol I mean
that's what I did a long time and people
are like oh I get that you have an
allergy and alcohol but we really do
because physiologically at least for me
you know I was bored with this you know
I see it in my mother I see it I thought
you were going to go to the old joke but
you know when someone says would you
like a drink and you say no I'm allergic
every time I drink I break out in
handcuffs yeah that's it well that was
yeah but uh but you know whatever it
takes to you know and I don't know about
you but at the end of my drinking my
drugs I was isolating it was just me
once I moved to L.A excuse me in 88 to
write that show our mayor Roseanne came
up to me and we were we were buddies or
we'd started dating or something and and
she and I used to get together in the
Midwest and to go do a stand-up comedy
on the road and get trashed the two of
us but then when I moved to L.A whoever
went down to the writers she said oh do
you do this
every day I thought you'll like party
when you're with me on the road I go no
I do it every day because that's bad I
go is it wow and that then immediately I
knew I've got to hide it from her I
didn't go oh I got to get my stuff
together I went okay I could never be
honest with her again about this thing
and uh and so you know I I'm uh well you
know you know what's interesting about
that you know that you're talking about
shame and I can relate to that because
shame is it was a was all that was my
game my whole game was shame I didn't
use with other people when I hear people
talking about oh I drink with these
people I parted with those people I
smoke with those bills I didn't party
with anybody it wasn't a party when I
used I didn't first of all I don't like
to share alcohol or drugs with people
okay I like to have everything that I've
been able to acquire just for me there
are no other squirrels in this tree this
is my tree I'm alone I need to be alone
because I'm ashamed of how gigantic my
problem is and an interesting caveat and
an interesting piece of business was
when I was taught the phrase I don't
tell God how big my problems are I tell
my problems how big my God is and I was
taught to understand that the thing that
I pray to whoever you are and wherever
you are and in this context in ahmadine
they call him Hashem
um I I tell my problems how how big my
higher power is and then by comparison
it shrinks it helps me to you know my
contact my conscious contact the fact
that I set aside time to pray and and
meditate about gratitude gratitude
gratitude
um it has changed me they can change my
liver they can change my kidneys they
can change a lung perhaps maybe give me
I have I have I have knees I have knee
Replacements they can give me a new
shoulder but my brain they can't change
they can't swap out your brain they can
give you a new part they still can't do
anything about your brain the only thing
I can do is do the inside Journey the
I'm the only one that can give myself a
transplant for my brain and and I've
heard throughout your story it's so
amazing because you you got sober and
then you had a bunch of issues that you
had to deal with repressed childhood
trauma anxiety I know there was a time
when you couldn't you couldn't keep you
in a chair I mean you were like
literally bouncing around like a ping
pong ball it's amazing that you have
matured and grown up and gotten to a
place where you've been clean and sober
so many times and for so long now
um 99 of the time you've been aware that
this needed to be addressed you've done
this and it's a preponderance of the
actions that you've taken and it doesn't
matter whether we've done it
continuously one time and done like I
did or tripping and falling tripping and
falling and tripping and falling and
recommitting and recommitting and
recommitting as you've done it doesn't
make any difference there's still a
stigma in the Jewish Community around a
lot of these young people who when they
get high or drunk and they have an
alcohol or drug problem they're
ostracized from the community and I do
so no no they they they just there's
certain sects of Judaism which um
forgive and allow you back in but there
are certain sects that turn away from
you as broken you're broken we're done
with you you're out I sponsor a guy
who's you know one of those kids who's
been turned out by his very religious
family so I want to make a statement
here in this forum to say that
um addiction and I think you'll co-sign
this with me addiction is a gift because
if not for this gift that I've been
given of my addiction I would not have
worked as hard as I have to become a
better person in any way shape or form
my addiction is a gift because it's in
triumph over it I've gotten closer to
God I've become the kind of person that
I'm proud to be and I'm still working on
it
um and so um it's a god-given gift just
like my eye color my height the size of
my feet
um my out my alcoholism my drug
addiction
um are not something that I asked for
there's something that was pre
pre-loaded into my DNA
and only something so coded into my DNA
would require this much work to overcome
and so consequently that's why once
we're an alcoholic an alcoholic for life
we know we have to pray and meditate and
be spiritual up to our eyebrows immersed
in a preponderance of spiritual actions
so that we can become who we're supposed
to be as opposed to who we became
yeah well we're very lucky you know I
think with the the first time someone
said you got to hit your knees and pray
to God just the idea of hit buddy I was
like I'm gonna do it the easy way I'm
just going to stand no no you've got to
humble yourself I know you did you know
you and I have a big egos we have to to
do what we do for a living but we're
we're humble we know who we are you I it
is a gift too I feel that but but this
gift that we have of being alcoholic so
being you know the the great thing about
doing something like this is we could
you know there's a lot of people today
with the drugs that kids take and people
there they do it once they're dead
you know and and I think when we look
back and go bad we used to do a lot of
stuff and why are we alive so it's it's
extra scary it's extra scary for parrots
it's extra scary for everyone and uh um
you know you love you love your kids
unconditionally there are ways to help
them to support them uh um you know to
not abandon them uh without destroying
your life too and I think that that we
both know ways to do that but it's also
extra important right now to to think if
kid can go to a party and take one pill
and they're dead and and or so anybody
could have that so people used to be uh
uh you know I'm not judging what people
uh uh do and normal people can have a
couple drinks they do and the old people
when they have too many drinks once they
go oh I feel terrible I have a hangover
I'm not ever doing that again that's
normal people people like you and I were
like I need more that here's the problem
I don't have enough of that is and we
take risks you know you and I could be
easily dead but we take risks and then
we have to know that there's a lot of
other people doing that same they're
risk taking and and you know and it
takes a lot to to convince a young
person you are worth it life is worth it
this is such a gift every day you know
you say to yourself well maybe down the
line you'll have a heart attack or
you'll have some kind of cancer or
something then you'll realize it no no
because we're addicts we need to realize
it every single day and I feel like that
too I've had some health issues like you
have and and but I every day is a gift
I'm so grateful for every day
yeah yeah and and you know as I've used
my comedic
career skills
um
and mess them with my sobriety yeah yeah
you're very good at that you're very
funny you're very let me just say
something about you I have a there's a
kids a special needs kids uh school here
uh the Kate Air Center in Los Angeles
and you were kind enough to uh do our
fundraiser roast for the great Stan
Winston and we raised four million
dollars and these are you know these are
kids that that really appreciate it and
I really appreciate you those throws
were crazy by the way I just thought as
you remember well you want to hear you
want to hear something funny from that
evening I was sitting at the you we
didn't know each other yet but they put
me last because of my energy yeah and um
so they sat me down at the end of the
day I said you had a lot of Heavy
Hitters that night you had Sarah
Silverman you had David Gee you there
were a whole bunch of name guys there
and I was kind of like the guy on the
end and I'm sitting down there and on my
right is is Schwarzenegger yeah so I'm
on the Deus and I'm and roasts are hard
because
you you write I mean Stan Winston
everybody had the same Google search and
everyone had the same information on
Stan so I wrote a bunch of jokes for the
roast and now I'm sitting there with a
legal pad watching the roast from the
end and the worst spot in a roast is
last because the jokes are disappearing
as the evening progresses everything you
thought of is God oh he was a dentist oh
he did this oh he did that and then so
now I'm sitting there and I I put my
head in my hands and I gave up now I've
already prayed I've already done my
meditation because I've never been on
stage without first doing my I I wear my
body armor I call it I do six I do I do
6 000 gratitude so anyway I'm sitting
here and uh Arnold Schwarzenegger who
I've never spoken to at this point he
Taps me and goes he says what's wrong I
said what's wrong I said they're doing
all the jokes I wrote all the jokes that
disappearing I can't do this I'm gonna
bomb this is gonna be horrible we're at
the Beverly Hills Hotel it's fact
everyone's getting big laughs and I am
going to be the dud of the night and so
he says to me nobody's made fun of me
yet
he says why don't you roast me forget
about Stan they all have the stand jokes
he says he says I'll give you some
material come on you like cigars I said
sure he says come on we sneak out we'll
go out in the courtyard so we went out
in the courtyard and Arnold gave me a
bunch of things that no one else knows
jokes and I sat and I wrote a bunch of
new things about Arnold and I got up and
I actually survived it
um by doing Arnold instead of Stan and
um that was that night and I'll never
forget it as long as I knew and then he
gave me his card with a phone number
written not his personal phone number
and he said here he says you should call
me we should get together I find you to
be very refreshing very entertaining
what a great guy I said okay and I put
it in my wallet well Tom maybe you can
speak to this there's a two-week if you
don't call the person within two weeks
you're done you can't call them he can
he won't remember who you are he won't
so I kept the card I never called him
maybe that was my problem in Hollywood
um I didn't have the uh I didn't have
the guts you know I wasn't a climber I
wasn't somebody that attached myself to
people I've always been sober since I
was out there
um I came out there with my recovery and
I've only been friends with people uh
that I'm organically uh attached to
um I've always felt like I never needed
more if it didn't come from God then it
wasn't for me and um and so consequently
here I am uh in in uh I mean God's
waiting room in Florida for one thing
you're you're the anchor of the roast
which means you're the best that you're
absolutely they don't put we don't put
guys that are not the best there were
two Arnold loves comedy he loves
comedians he considers himself a
comedian you know he roasted him that I
don't know if it's next year when he was
governor and he get that jokes were just
just people like oh my God why are you
but he loves that he's such a good guy
you know what that Jim Jefferies do you
know Jim Jefferies Australian comedian
yeah yeah yeah great guy he got hired to
do a private party at Brett radner's
house and uh Warren Beatty was there at
Al Pacino all these people and he did he
was nervous like everybody supposed to
make fun of these guys it could go bad
anyway he gets up at the table and uh
and makes it gets it going it goes
pretty well and Warren Beatty comes up
to him afterwards and said here's my
card I want to work with you so Jim
Jefferies the next week Cold War babies
office and his assistant answered and
she said who is this Jim Jefferies we
bet it uh just a second and she and when
he could hear her say to war dating Jim
Jefferies you met him at uh the Brett
ratner's house and you can also hear him
say I have no idea who that is
that you know for comedians it's always
better if the story is you know if we're
not the hero of every story and uh but
but I get why you didn't want to call
people I get that I also but Tom you
know now I I've been given a much purer
approach to with my comedy I use I
listen my whole job on this planet I
understand to be is to make people
joyful and make them happy and take no
credit for it because
um had I been more successful on a
national scale had I been more uh well
known around the world who knows if I'd
still be clean and sober the point is
I've been given a task I've been given a
job I've been given a mission I stay on
task I stay on job I stay on Mission I
show up wherever I'm invited to go
whether it's a dollar or a thousand
dollars
um I do whatever I have to do to make
people happy I sign every letter I sent
to people every email looking forward to
making you very happy I don't know where
I did all the happy from but it must
come from God because being mixed being
picked on having a lot of the same
childhood traumas as you did having been
through a lot of the addiction problems
that you've had same same story
basically different month different year
different state at the end of the day to
have this much happy must mean that it's
a gift from someplace gigantic well also
also your Arnold story is perfect you
know who knows what would happen if you
called and you the story of you and
Arnold having those moments together and
him helping you that's the home run you
know and uh yeah I would be I mean I
talk to him all the time but that's only
because but but I'd be nervous like I'm
weird about calling him down like geez I
don't want to call they'd all sudden
he'll FaceTime me at 11 at night there's
his face I don't want to bug people the
thing about you is you're so talented
that's the number one thing am I good at
what I do am I talented yeah I'll take
that over any kind of success number one
I'm good because we know people that
aren't and and I'll tell you man it it
careers Go in different ways sometimes
you're uh get discovered you're 20 and
sometimes you're 50 sometimes you're 60
but you go back go I'm respected I I
love what I do I'm very good at it
that's what that's what I think about
you you're very good at you also share
your sobriety
um that's that this is where exactly the
bet we all want to be if we all want
more more and more more but you're so
talented you can't you wouldn't trade
that is a talent you have it for more
success you just won't do it you
wouldn't be the same guy you wouldn't be
able to help other people you wouldn't
be able to share honestly to be honest
so that's what we're here we're at this
tiny planet and this big universe and
sometimes we think oh I am the most
important thing they you know but we're
not this is you know we're important
we're important to loving people being
loved being of service
change in the world little by little by
little put good ripples out there
because we used to put bad ripples out
there
and that's how we were living our life
and now and now we've turned it around
well I'm just glad to be part of the
natural order of the universe and ever
since I you know like the zebras stay
with the zebras and the whales stay with
the whales and like the alcoholics and
the drug addicts and apparently tonight
the Jews we say you know you know I mean
you and I would never walk up to each
other on the street and say hello Jew
how are you you know but because of uh
you know it's it's funny our Judaism is
nowhere near as important to us as our
sobriety because without our sobriety
none of these other wonderful things
it has to be dub or what and people like
well you have kids it's like if you're
on an airplane and there's a problem and
the airplane Dives and the mass drops
down you're supposed to put on yourself
before you put it on your kid and that's
how I look at it like this is the number
one thing I have to do the thing about
Judaism once you have kids you start
going okay I gotta we're gonna do this
like you get real sanctimoniously it's
like I don't need to and then you see
your little kids like oh no I need to we
need to do all this stuff and uh they'll
be good for them they maintaining an
addiction you know I forget what you
said you spent a day uh is is hard it
takes your all your brain power oh yeah
but you know the thing is if we could do
that if we could buy drugs on a on a
desert island which we can
then anything else in our life you know
it's all gravy where we learn to do that
was in a room full of people that
weren't there to be they weren't there
to be entertained they were there to
hear about my my gut level my real story
my my who are you who are you and why
should we sit here for 45 minutes and
listen to you
um and that's where I learned how to I I
learned I learned that's why I learned
not to lie I learned not to hide I
didn't I didn't have to hide I didn't
have to lie I didn't have to make
anything up all I had to do was show up
and and the unconditional love that was
there for me brought out a different
side of my ability to convey humor
through my actual story
so when you sit in a group like that and
you tell the worst thing you did and
somebody's nodding nobody's judging you
everybody's like oh yeah I get that I
get that's a great feeling to go I mean
this is my place this is my safe place
where I could really share all of my you
know characters
and then you don't carry that shame if
you you know because we love carried
shape anyway thank you thank you so much
Tom for this time that we got to spend
together I I can feel us tailing off so
we should probably just say
um good night and and God bless and I
look forward to seeing you in person
um in the near future and I I'll be
thinking about you you know and
everything that you're doing and doing
and going through currently uh you know
the things that you have going on in
your life I pray you know I'll I'll
remember you in my thoughts on going and
um until we get to meet each other in
person and go hey I remember we did that
together that was fun thank you I'll
never forget this and you know my
problems are high class problems
compared to the problems I used to have
so thank you for that thank you this is
gonna this made me feel a lot better I
hope other people uh they get a little
bit of inspiration after they see us to
maniacs and what we've done with our
life and uh and so that's why we're here
we're here on this planet to help other
people
well thank you to ahmadine for bringing
us together
um United We heal we unite to heal and
um and and Tom and I um have had a
wonderful time so thank you so much and
thank you Tom thank you for supporting
this wonderful
organization thank you thank you thank
you and and uh give more okay good night
good night
[Music]