Not So Funny: The Ugly Side of Addiction

foreign [Music] and um we are so honored to be working uh on this little get-together it just it's a long time coming but we're finally here for amudim and um for those of you who are not part of ahmudim many of you are but some of you aren't amadeem unite to heal provide services to help uh mitigate some of the difficulties and some of the circumstances which make many different difficulties in life easier to handle um mental health uh food people are food challenge people are living challenge um and we are here tonight um on this little get together to talk about addiction which has a myriad of directions that we can go but um my name is Sergeant and tonight Tom Tom Arnold and I are going to chit chat and and talk about our own personal Journeys and what we have been through and the solution and the remedies the stigmas some of the things that we have have done to achieve a level of sobriety and to stay clean um also um the aspect of it that is so prevalent in amudim which is uniting to heal uh there is no Sarge and I can speak for Tom I think when I say there is no sober Tom Arnold um unless we Unite with other people who have traveled the same roads that we have and have been on the same Journey that we've been on um and so consequently here we are and um I want to welcome Tom Arnold on on the conversation also how you doing Tom good man it's an honor to be here number one I'm with a fellow alcoholic and so anytime there's two of us together uh that's a Beatty and I can always use it I'm honored to be involved with this this uh program because uh of of the the kindness aspects of it and the compassion and and you know uh I this disease addiction affects every community and and I think that uh I think that's important but I think that the things that saves me every day is being a part of the addiction Community a part of the recover recovery community and part of that is being of service like we are today it's a very selfish thing for me being in service because it benefits me the most and uh you know maybe I'll share a little bit about my my journey sorry so that you could share your journey did you if you don't mind well just see to frame it inherent to the Jewish Community yes um there was a psychiatrist from Pittsburgh named um avraham toursky and he was one of the original addictionologists and original psychiatrist who was also a rabbi and he brought a lot of secular crossover into the religious aspects of his own personal life he Blended his recovery life with his religious life and if you heard tourski speak and twersky was very big with amudim and with uh the Jewish Charities um but as it turns out he was able to find a way that it not be so religious but that it be recovery and when it comes to God when it comes to a higher power when it comes to whatever you call your higher power or however that came to be for you um it was interesting how this this Rabbi toerski who I I was fortunate enough to get to meet in Miami at an event a number of years ago and we both spoke on the same panel it was absolutely life-changing because he explained the importance of the higher power in the journey whether we were aware of it or not the higher power being there all along so I just wanted to make that statement because that's the group that we're that we're speaking to tonight and I would love to hear about how you began your journey really where your sobriety began yeah and and where the light came on for you you know in that way well let me just say this about God some people get bugged about it I believe obviously I didn't create all this I didn't I look at my kids I'm like oh yeah I did everything I did look outside I did everything I think it's important I always tell guys they're like yeah I don't want to be religious it's it's a spiritual program it doesn't matter what your religion is or whatever you just have to believe that something greater than you out there it could be that doorknob you could that could you could start with that but there's something greater and it certainly has made made things easier for me that I'm not responsible for everything that I I'm not the guy you know there's something greater out there and certainly I've seen the evidence of it I that's just the way I look at it um you know I started I'm from a small town in Iowa uh there were four Jewish families and uh uh and we used to say uh yeah not enough to hate but uh there were there was a small community and my my grandparents on my mother's side uh uh worked in the meat packing plant in fact it was uh uh a pork processing plant believe it or not but it was a it was a small tight knit Community they had the high holy days where it already seagulls Western Wear and they'd have a rabbi come down for duboid and they go back of Artie seagulls and uh he was a character but you know when I came to La I had a Stepside that was tied to get bar mitzvahid and so I studied with him for a year at the University of synagogue down here because I didn't know enough you know and uh and what the rabbi told me was at the end of it well what what do you think uh Judaism is how do you define it Eddie I said I don't know what goes around Cubs are out he said that's it but it goes around comes around so being a part of an organization like this or doing this with usard is a such a blessing for me and I will live another day because of it I I grew up where everybody drank everybody it was a hard you know it was it was a hard town it's a meat packing plant town you know and so from an early age I we I started drinking I suppose 12 or 13. um and I started getting arrested you know because that's what happens you start you get in fights with police you act like a fool you get arrested and I kept thinking I remember being in the back of a squad car uh uh thinking there's something better for me out there if I could just get it get a handle on this stuff there is something better and I think I'm gonna blow it but I always believed in something greater out there and and in my case it turned out to be you know I had dreams to be an actor you know which is crazy if you're from us that small town I had dreams of you know I remember working at the meat packing plant which I worked on the kill floor of the meat packing plant for three years after high school to say buddy for college because I do oh if I get to that college that I'm going to have a chance because people are different there there's all kinds of different people at the University of Iowa in my hometown Ottumwa everybody looked the same everybody did the same but I said if I could get out of here do that and I used to daydream here I don't know if you've ever worked at a meat Packer Club but your your chiseling heads or you're doing boating hams or whatever you do and you Daydream and I remember I had a Daydream that I was best friends with Robin Williams and first let me say Robin Williams who is one of us uh everything good you've ever heard about Robin Williams is true and then some and if I call him at three in the morning and said so-and-so's in trouble whether he knew him or not he'd be he'd be like Tom let's go get him and when you say one of us Tom and when you say one of us um I know what you mean but explain to the people what that means he was one of us Robert was a a recovering uh uh alcoholic you know and he worked very hard in Robin's case uh he was dealing with three things and and uh um he had a mental illness he had a brain disease he had Parkinson's so maybe more than three um what what I anyway I would Daydream I was best friends with Robin Williams said I get home from the meat packet plant and I'd be look in the mirror like I'm crazy I have to quit having dreams because it's so disappointing what that they're not gonna come true and ten years later I'm sitting at Robin Williams house because we're doing a movie Nine Months and and we have a the night before we started working on the movie he had a dinner and then at the end of it I'm sitting there with Robin and I said I've been here before and he's like in my house I go no no here me you best friends and he said we're not best friends I go I know but it's it's close enough to my dream so with Robin like a lot of us it's you don't know you can't get a handle on your mental illness or whatever that other thing is until you get clean and sober and a lot of people have dual addictions you know I had to get cleated sober before I dealt with things that happened in my childhood you know there was a pedophile in my neighborhood uh uh something I just blocked out blocked out blocked out and then when I got sober I went oh yeah and I ended up tracking the guy down and you know he's a big religious leader he has big business of course uh made super Christian guy you know and I found him and and I went to his place of business and confronted him and didn't I didn't beat him up or I didn't want to get in more trouble but I confronted him and it felt like a big I came out of there and I felt like a ton of bricks had been taken off my my chest and I went right over to the Iowa capitol building to the governor's office said you got to do something about this guy because the police say the statute of limitations is up and and you got to stop he's a he's about to adopt his fourth son and he said that Governor tied Terry Branson said oh my God that'd be a federal offense you're asking me to commit a federal offense I'm not even going to pretend you weren't here get out of here we you know and then about uh four days later my brother called who'd found him my brothers are really good about fighting people and said the his adoption fell through the guy's adoption that paperwork staff who whatever and I that's God right there but then I thought have I done enough have I died in front of the guy I did this and and so I put up posters kid high six blocks around his house and had my brothers redo them every few days saying his name his face his crimes and I just felt like I had to uh let the other kids know and that's again one of the gifts of sobriety is that happen and then my sister of course who was a gangster and uh they did there's a documentary series about her called the queen of Meth she was the biggest drug dealer in America she got busted of course that's what happens and during her trial I went back to Iowa to support her that's what you do with your your family and and a person came up to me and said I I know I know uh who I know about the guy that that raped you because he did the same thing to his old brother who I'm married to and then 30 other kids came forward adults now but they saw that and they said oh yeah I'm from that neighborhood this is what happened you know there was so much shame attached to that and I think with boys you're you're you know you're always going I got to keep that Deb I got to keep that a secret because that seems but uh because I got sober I could do it the right way too you know I practiced what I was going to say to the guy and and handled it the right way and did it you know as many legal things as I could and got the word out and that's just something that would have never happened if I hadn't got so it made it easier to stay sober because I didn't have that cloud right here tell us though tell us though about I'm I'm interested in in knowing the linchpin point the point at which your addiction was something that you had to do something about and you began to do something about it and then the lights came on regarding the solution you know because these are these are all these are all you know repressed trauma horrible things that happen to you horrible things that happened in your family you personally you know your recovery Journey when did you get sober um the last time and that was it when you just you know I I uh my mother was a just a terrible alcoholic she she left our family when I was four she left me with that babysitter so uh you know I I knew what alcoholism looked like you know she was married seven times in our small town she made my sister get married when she was 14 to a 22 year old pedophile I mean that's that's how you end up in the drug business I think um I I I got arrested a bunch of times too for a drunk driving fighting with the police doing these things I kept you know in the back of my mind I kept thinking I've got to I've got to get it together and in 1986 I went to my first 12-step meeting and and I liked you know there was a people that I'd known there and it was the first time I tried to be sober I didn't go enough and I stayed sober for six months and then I was this in Iowa was this I moved to Minneapolis by then I moved to Minneapolis um in 1989 though after I moved to Los Angeles to write the rose ad show in um I got out here and and I met a dealer like my first day and and and he was a big dealer and he said I could sell you in quantity it's cheaper and I was like oh yeah that's what I got to do because I have a job at this good writing job oh I'll buy quantity I'll buy more than I need so that I won't do it and I don't think I've ever I ever went to bed without doing everything drinking every drink doing you know and and so I escalated once I got out here and I ended up the hospital once and then in 1989 it was a it was a big it was a big public thing and I was driving home to my fiance Roseanne in our house and I went to the game did you ever have this kind of money in your pocket either I mean it was the oh you but no I hadn't but but they're just there's never enough money for this people always say only if I had this much money then I could do what I wanted and I wouldn't want to do it and that's this disease is a killer this disease is waiting for you to think that so uh we lived up there in a bit of candy and I went to our gate and I couldn't remember the code you know and it was my birthday that was the code I had to go up and on Mulholland and call Roseanne and and say can you come down the gate let me and I knew she'd be so mad and so I parked the car there and she she pulls her car up gets out of the car comes towards me I thought well she's gonna hit me or you know I deserve that or whatever but but she just hugged me and said I just want you to come home and that moment uh you know that was a Moment of clarity from God right that like that's not what is supposed to happen and I I it really uh uh stuck with me it still has stuck with me and I went back and then I got a cab and I went to rehab and uh uh you know I have it I learned things in that first rehab you know my sobriety has been a process you know I haven't drank since the 80s but at 19 years sober I wrecked my motorcycle on PCH and I'd always said to people hey I'm not an opioid guy I I was a booze and cocaid or whatever I don't get it what you guys the opioids but at 90 years sober I was laying on PCH and the ambulance came are you in pain and I said yeah and he said I've got to fix that it gave me a shot of Fentanyl and I was like oh no that's that's what I've needed my whole life that so I took a 20-year cake knowing I was still on to pain medication from the summer before which is inappropriate then I started over I started my sobriety over and and with the new lessons I learned and I never stopped going to to 12-step meetings I never stopped being of service I never stopped being around people that's what saved my life is along this process what I've had a bump of the road I've got a great group of people uh like yourself Sarge that that uh you know that live a good life and I could you know just be around them has been very helpful how did I miss you how did I miss you I I was I lived in Los Angeles for 11 years I went to the Log Cabin five days a week I went to the Virgin America meeting in the basement of the Virgin Store on Sunset across from the lab Factory every Saturday I went after that meeting I would go over to Roxbury for the CA meeting and sit with Shadow at that meeting I I don't know how I missed you ever because I was I was ever everywhere conceivably because I just love sober friends so much and love being around the unite to heal thing I don't feel as comfortable around just regular people um I don't feel like like socially personally emotionally I don't feel like I can totally be myself unless I'm around other people like you like you and I we've never really broken bread we've never spent a lot of time together yet we could get together like this and I know you're telling the truth every step of the way I it's totally legit totally valid um how did we miss each other in this journey I I don't I don't know how that happened but yeah well you know the thing is you and I the you know we sit there we go oh he knows me I know him he I know you know and a lot of times you get together with people in recovery and that the stories you tell are horrible to other people they're frightening I was thinking I was gonna do this and they start laughing that's crazy because but it but it's it's helpful I have to say two five and a half years ago a little about five and a half years ago I became my own doctor and I started taking benzos and benzos are sket you know be careful with benzos like like uh Xanax and things like that and I it became a problem so I went back five and a half years ago to another rehab and worked on that and because at the time my kids were four and one and I just I just knew I can't be a good father and you know have any kind of issues like this so my you know relapse has been a part of my journey and and I tell people you know not to give up obviously and don't let people shame you you know we have a disease you know the best thing you could do is get around other people that have that disease and and you know there's organizations like this and and uh it shines a light on this stuff because if if there's so much shame involved and you know this art I know this from when I was using that the secret and the lies and the shame you know and I don't have to do that anymore that's a big relief today I have to get my story straight you know it's just it's a great relief no that's amazing um you know to give you a little thumbnail because you have no idea um when I when I got sober it was because I'd been homeless for about nine months in New York City now I grew up in um Long Island in a very wealthy suburb called Great Neck I moved to Manhattan I went to Juilliard I was a child prodigy I was supposed I was marked for greatness um I ended up in New York City in Manhattan and after a number of career changes which we're not going to get into because we only have one evening um I ended up homeless on the streets of New York behind three different kinds of addictions I was on um I was on angel dust I was on crack I was on ketamine and I was drinking and I was stealing for my habit and you know people ask me well when did you know things were going to be different I didn't know things were going to be different but what happened was I still had a lot of friends left over because I had been a modeling agent a booking agent in the modeling business I had worked in the television uh production I worked for CBS Sports on on 6 Avenue with BlackRock I had a bunch of amazing jobs I had no problem getting hired I just couldn't stay anywhere like I would get hired places because of my personality and because of my engagement and then people would say um we we can't keep you here you can't you know you can't stay because we there's something wrong with you and we're not sure what it is it could have been the angel dust I was smoking in the bathroom the PCP to make a long story short when I finally the bottom dropped out of my life and I ended up on the streets I had one friend left who I asked if I could use his apartment because he didn't know I was homeless and he went to Aspen to go skiing and he said I'll leave the keys with the doorman and he left the keys and I went and I used the apartment and shortly after that I had to get high because I had a 300 a day crack habit so I took all the things I could find in the drawers and jewelry uh a couple of very expensive Van Cleef and Arpels watches cufflinks a necklace a gold brooch uh some diamond stud earrings that he had from his grandmother I took them all I went down to 47th Street to the Hasidic Jewelry Exchange down there I traded it in for about three grand I went and did a major blowout which lasted me about three days when he came home he couldn't find his stuff he didn't know what to make of it we ran into each other on the street believe it or not we ran into each other on the street I was homeless but I ran into this guy and he said to me where's my stuff and I said um I I I I sold it for drugs and I was very heavy I was about 360 pounds at the time was the fattest crack addict in New York and uh so he said what kind of drugs are you using I said crack he says it must be some very high calorie crack he says you're quite heavy I said well I know I said uh I I can't explain it so he said well let's get you some help then and instead of pressing charges instead of calling the cops he went to an intervention counselor and 24 hours later I was on a flight and I was headed to a place called Delray Beach Florida um so this was nine years of drinking and drugging and now I show up on the steps of a treatment center at 10 15 in the evening no detox um there was you know back in those days you know to give you a time frame this was the day after Christmas 1990. so should I just so happen to stay sober another month or so um that will be my 33rd sober Christmas but not bragging just saying I walk in and this gentleman meets me at the door and he says uh wow he says uh you really stink he says uh are you an alcoholic and I said uh no no I'm a crack addict I do all kinds of other drugs I do a PCP ketamine and all these other things he says well um uh you're not an alcoholic I said no no I'm a drug addict I just drink when I can't get drugs and he says okay right right he says uh how many drinks did you have on the plane and I said well I had um uh I had 11 11. I had 11 drinks on the plane and he said well it's a good thing you're not an alcoholic I said why is that he said because an alcoholic would have had 12 drinks he says so you're one drink shy of alcoholism he says let's get to work on the crack and he and he took me into the place and uh he went through my luggage which was a a trash bag not from a kitchen but a bathroom trash bag like a small little sack and he said uh why don't you go in the other room and ask God to remove the obsession to drink and Drug from your life and I said who and he said God I said God now I've been Bar Mitzvah I've been to shul as a kid you know we went every every every Sabbath we we we celebrated the holidays but you know what I never really had anything to do with God I never prayed really I I mean I may have prayed the Foxhole prayers when you when you were hoping you weren't going to get suspended from school or when a girl was going to break up with you or when you were going to get fired or or whatever I've never really connected and he said please go in the other room and hit your knees and ask for the obsession to be removed so I went in the other room and I did it I sat in a chair and I was sitting up I hit my knees with my hands I was tapping my knees and I came out and the gentleman said to me um did you do it and I said yes I did and he says well then come on let's go get you checked in we'll put you in your room and uh and so that's what they did and I did that thing and he took me to the room and I woke up the next day and for some reason the spell had been broken um and you know this is true I mean a lot of people don't believe you but I'm a one and done guy I didn't have the desire to there were no fences there were no electric fences there were no barbed wire there were no locks on the doors that I was in Florida you know where you can go this way or that way and get whatever you need if you wait at the beach a bale of cocaine will eventually wash up at your feet in Florida so I had no desire and um the spell had been broken I stayed there for 42 days now incidentally there are no coincidences that gentleman who met me at the door at 10 15 at night the day after Christmas 1990 is my sponsor to this day and he was The Clinical Director of this particular little mom-and-pop treatment center but he's my guy Mike he's still my guy um and so there I am 42 days I lived in a half white house after being from Big Bad fantastic unbelievable New York and all of this ivy league education that I was exposed to I'm a guy bringing the carts off a lot at Home Depot and 104 degree heat in South Florida because I was told the way you eat an elephant is one bite at a time and um and so there I was I got myself a sponsor and then uh uh you know I was encouraged by my sponsor to meditate and he said to me uh why don't you go on the beach and go get honest with yourself and think about what you would attempt to do with your life if you couldn't fail all right so who am I gonna who am I gonna talk to he goes well talk to God and once again this God thing came up and I was like okay I'll talk to God like and I I went along with it well anyhow I went to the beach and um I closed my eyes and I made an attempt to do the 11th step which in our fellowship of recovery is um to to to improve my conscious contact with my higher power asking only for his knowledge of his will for uh me and the power to carry that out and so through prayer and meditation and so I went and I I do little prayers and I meditated I sat quietly and I got a vision in my mind of a time when I was six when my grandfather took me in a place called grossingers which was the Catskill Mountains and he took me to see Don Rickles opening for Sammy Davis Jr in this gigantic showroom and I was sick and I was under the table with a tablecloth over me and my grandfather moved the tablecloth to the side and I remember watching Rickles work in that room sweating bullets sweating Israeli bullet behind the table and I Saw 2 000 people in shambles and I remember at six thinking I don't know what this guy's talking about but I want to do that yeah and so when I went to my next group meeting I said to him I said I know what I want to do I want to be a comedian now this all happened under the auspices of God cut to New York I'm on my journey now I'm someone who prays and meditates every single day I'm someone who can't drink before I go on stage or smoke a joint in order to take away and in amudim circles they would call it spilkus spilkus is you know spookus is not butterflies in your stomach it's pterodactyls yeah I don't have that luxury and I'm in New York doing open mics and um I pray in the bathroom and then I go on fearlessly um with all of my Character defects sequestered and quarantined for the moment I'm going on stage to be a comedian and um I go up at this club on the upper west side called Stand Up New York and uh I come off stage after this one particularly decent set and a Gentleman grabs me by the elbow and he says um you're the reason I come here I said really and I said are you are you hitting on me or he goes no no no I was a comedian he says I live in the neighborhood I pop in I'm always glad to see you're going to be performing and I'm nobody at this point I'm still nobody but I'm even more nobody then so now he says come on let's go grab a slice so I said I can eat and he says yeah you look like you can eat and so now we go out of the place and we go to the corner and uh every corner had a pizza place a Korean market and a Starbucks I don't know what it's like now in New York but that's what it was and so we go to the corner it was uh Rose Pizza original famous authentic genuine race so we go in and the guy says you want a beer and I said I learned this from my gurus in Florida from sobriety I said I don't drink and he says you don't drink why do you emphasize don't and I say it's because shouldn't means things go crazy when I do can't means I still want to don't means I don't and so I take you to just a snippet of neuro-linguistic programming not only do we have to change our friends and our places and our people we have to change our words because we hear ourselves and when we're full of it and when we're not speaking the right words we actually are wrongly programming the hard drive and so my guys knew this I don't know how they knew it but I learned don't I don't misrepresent myself I don't take things that don't belong to me anymore I don't embellish embroider or try to impress people I don't drink these are the things I don't do and he said to me wow you don't drink he says why don't you drink I said because I'm an alcoholic he says doesn't that mean you do drink I said no it means I used to drink now I don't he says so you're one of those AAA people you go to those meetings I said yes I'll go to AAA I'd ride around with a uh jumper cables and a gallon of gas in the car in case someone no I go to AAA I go to double a I go to the AAA meetings where I got Perry Street I go to Perry Street I go to the 79th Street Workshop like over a year ago over there he says wow he said that's amazing how'd you get sober and I told them the story I just told you Tom I said you know well I you know like went to this place the guy told me to hit my knees I woke up the next day I never drank or drugged again he said to me and who did this for you and said God and I he says and you believe that and I said well yeah that's that's the story I've been going with for the last four and a half years he says to me well he says um do you suppose you would have prayed if that gentleman didn't invite you to when you arrived at that place and I said no I I would probably not have prayed had he not invited me to he says had you prayed a lot before you got to that but I said no I hadn't he said so let me ask you something do you suppose it might have been something about being invited to or directed to that could have been just as important as the prayer itself because had you not been ready to take the direction had you not been ready to take the invitation and do what you were told there would have been no prayer there would have been no transition there would have been no conscious contact there may have not have been any waking up the next day without that desire to do that and I thought to myself wow so you mean the taking of the direction was as important as the prayer itself he said maybe even more so and it kind of twisted my head and then we began to have our pizza and he gave me his card at the end and he told me if I ever want to come to the light show the laser light show at the planetarium I was more than welcome to and I put the card in my pocket I didn't think anything of it and then a couple months later I was on the road I think I was in Slidell Louisiana and I'm in some Hotel drinking a diet coke and eating a Snickers bar after a show and um I emptied out my pants and the card that fell out of these pants that I've been wearing and um it fell on the floor and I put it on the desk and then I laid down to watch some TV and I'm clipping around the channels and all of a sudden there's the guy he started on that Geo he's got a show he's talking about the universe and he's talking about you know it was Neil it was Neil deGrasse Tyson that's good I like him and he's not a god guy yeah oh my sober friends are God guys and so I learned one of the biggest pieces of spiritual aspiration inspiration from somebody that's not even a god guy that I need to be someone who is willing to take direction from people who know how to do this because otherwise I have no shot Tom on an ongoing basis at either staying clean or becoming the kind of person that doesn't resort to letting his addictions become the better part of him again and so I know right now in your life you're engaged in a in a struggle and in a difficult time that you're working through right now and it's entirely on the side of family it's entirely on the side of love and and and and strength and courage what you're about and what you're doing and I know you're doing that and you couldn't do this if you were still battling yourself you know um right you're right and I I thank God every day that I am and and five and a half years ago when I was taking the Xanax there it I had a feeling something in my head said it's gonna be this is it it's good it's over this is what's gonna happen it's gonna take you have to go back a day at a time get your sobriety back but this is it something changed in my brain because I I still holding out of that I'm very grateful you know you you talk about uh uh you know when I first got sober the first time I did not like the guy in the mirror at all so you're supposed to love yourself and I did not I hated myself but I I did a trick that a guy said do you have any pictures of yourself when you were four did I say I'll find one he said carry that and when you feel like that pull that out and you feel like maybe you're not worth it pull that picture out and look at yourself when you were four and and say that kid's worth it I'm going to be here for that kid that kid deserves to be protected that day he deserves and so that is was very helpful to me because that kid's also part of me obviously and so but I used I still use it you know I'll see that picture I'll go that kid man nobody was looking out for him I'm gonna do that and then when you have your own children which you know in nine nine and a half years ago my son was born six and a half my daughter uh that is such a game changer because the moment they're both you always say oh I want to have unconditional love and you get married like I have it but you both say you love each other conditionally but that's just not true there's conditions as there should be but the moment my son was born I looked at him and I just felt there is so much unconditional love both ways I mean he's going to love me whether I'm a terrible dad or a great dad so I'm going to be a great dad and now I can't complain that I've never been unconditionally loved I got four Ex-Wives and uh I I used to be able to say well I've never really been unconditionally loved but but I can't say that anymore because I I have I am and I have and uh you know as as you said the issues I'm dealing with or uh things that involve the kids which are the most you know I've really had to work on my to remind myself be sober number one because anytime you do a battle as it were you want to be your best and and the worst thing I could do is even because people are rooting against me and I'm sure that there you've been in a position where they're that somebody they're just counting on me to just to screw up but I I'm here for my kids and I'm I'm strong and it's not always easy you know uh I'm not tempted to use I could get there it could something could come by head like I don't want to feel any of this um maybe I'll be sneaky maybe I'll do this thing but knock on wood it it has been different and you know I tell people they said you want a drink I say I I have an allergy to alcohol I mean that's what I did a long time and people are like oh I get that you have an allergy and alcohol but we really do because physiologically at least for me you know I was bored with this you know I see it in my mother I see it I thought you were going to go to the old joke but you know when someone says would you like a drink and you say no I'm allergic every time I drink I break out in handcuffs yeah that's it well that was yeah but uh but you know whatever it takes to you know and I don't know about you but at the end of my drinking my drugs I was isolating it was just me once I moved to L.A excuse me in 88 to write that show our mayor Roseanne came up to me and we were we were buddies or we'd started dating or something and and she and I used to get together in the Midwest and to go do a stand-up comedy on the road and get trashed the two of us but then when I moved to L.A whoever went down to the writers she said oh do you do this every day I thought you'll like party when you're with me on the road I go no I do it every day because that's bad I go is it wow and that then immediately I knew I've got to hide it from her I didn't go oh I got to get my stuff together I went okay I could never be honest with her again about this thing and uh and so you know I I'm uh well you know you know what's interesting about that you know that you're talking about shame and I can relate to that because shame is it was a was all that was my game my whole game was shame I didn't use with other people when I hear people talking about oh I drink with these people I parted with those people I smoke with those bills I didn't party with anybody it wasn't a party when I used I didn't first of all I don't like to share alcohol or drugs with people okay I like to have everything that I've been able to acquire just for me there are no other squirrels in this tree this is my tree I'm alone I need to be alone because I'm ashamed of how gigantic my problem is and an interesting caveat and an interesting piece of business was when I was taught the phrase I don't tell God how big my problems are I tell my problems how big my God is and I was taught to understand that the thing that I pray to whoever you are and wherever you are and in this context in ahmadine they call him Hashem um I I tell my problems how how big my higher power is and then by comparison it shrinks it helps me to you know my contact my conscious contact the fact that I set aside time to pray and and meditate about gratitude gratitude gratitude um it has changed me they can change my liver they can change my kidneys they can change a lung perhaps maybe give me I have I have I have knees I have knee Replacements they can give me a new shoulder but my brain they can't change they can't swap out your brain they can give you a new part they still can't do anything about your brain the only thing I can do is do the inside Journey the I'm the only one that can give myself a transplant for my brain and and I've heard throughout your story it's so amazing because you you got sober and then you had a bunch of issues that you had to deal with repressed childhood trauma anxiety I know there was a time when you couldn't you couldn't keep you in a chair I mean you were like literally bouncing around like a ping pong ball it's amazing that you have matured and grown up and gotten to a place where you've been clean and sober so many times and for so long now um 99 of the time you've been aware that this needed to be addressed you've done this and it's a preponderance of the actions that you've taken and it doesn't matter whether we've done it continuously one time and done like I did or tripping and falling tripping and falling and tripping and falling and recommitting and recommitting and recommitting as you've done it doesn't make any difference there's still a stigma in the Jewish Community around a lot of these young people who when they get high or drunk and they have an alcohol or drug problem they're ostracized from the community and I do so no no they they they just there's certain sects of Judaism which um forgive and allow you back in but there are certain sects that turn away from you as broken you're broken we're done with you you're out I sponsor a guy who's you know one of those kids who's been turned out by his very religious family so I want to make a statement here in this forum to say that um addiction and I think you'll co-sign this with me addiction is a gift because if not for this gift that I've been given of my addiction I would not have worked as hard as I have to become a better person in any way shape or form my addiction is a gift because it's in triumph over it I've gotten closer to God I've become the kind of person that I'm proud to be and I'm still working on it um and so um it's a god-given gift just like my eye color my height the size of my feet um my out my alcoholism my drug addiction um are not something that I asked for there's something that was pre pre-loaded into my DNA and only something so coded into my DNA would require this much work to overcome and so consequently that's why once we're an alcoholic an alcoholic for life we know we have to pray and meditate and be spiritual up to our eyebrows immersed in a preponderance of spiritual actions so that we can become who we're supposed to be as opposed to who we became yeah well we're very lucky you know I think with the the first time someone said you got to hit your knees and pray to God just the idea of hit buddy I was like I'm gonna do it the easy way I'm just going to stand no no you've got to humble yourself I know you did you know you and I have a big egos we have to to do what we do for a living but we're we're humble we know who we are you I it is a gift too I feel that but but this gift that we have of being alcoholic so being you know the the great thing about doing something like this is we could you know there's a lot of people today with the drugs that kids take and people there they do it once they're dead you know and and I think when we look back and go bad we used to do a lot of stuff and why are we alive so it's it's extra scary it's extra scary for parrots it's extra scary for everyone and uh um you know you love you love your kids unconditionally there are ways to help them to support them uh um you know to not abandon them uh without destroying your life too and I think that that we both know ways to do that but it's also extra important right now to to think if kid can go to a party and take one pill and they're dead and and or so anybody could have that so people used to be uh uh you know I'm not judging what people uh uh do and normal people can have a couple drinks they do and the old people when they have too many drinks once they go oh I feel terrible I have a hangover I'm not ever doing that again that's normal people people like you and I were like I need more that here's the problem I don't have enough of that is and we take risks you know you and I could be easily dead but we take risks and then we have to know that there's a lot of other people doing that same they're risk taking and and you know and it takes a lot to to convince a young person you are worth it life is worth it this is such a gift every day you know you say to yourself well maybe down the line you'll have a heart attack or you'll have some kind of cancer or something then you'll realize it no no because we're addicts we need to realize it every single day and I feel like that too I've had some health issues like you have and and but I every day is a gift I'm so grateful for every day yeah yeah and and you know as I've used my comedic career skills um and mess them with my sobriety yeah yeah you're very good at that you're very funny you're very let me just say something about you I have a there's a kids a special needs kids uh school here uh the Kate Air Center in Los Angeles and you were kind enough to uh do our fundraiser roast for the great Stan Winston and we raised four million dollars and these are you know these are kids that that really appreciate it and I really appreciate you those throws were crazy by the way I just thought as you remember well you want to hear you want to hear something funny from that evening I was sitting at the you we didn't know each other yet but they put me last because of my energy yeah and um so they sat me down at the end of the day I said you had a lot of Heavy Hitters that night you had Sarah Silverman you had David Gee you there were a whole bunch of name guys there and I was kind of like the guy on the end and I'm sitting down there and on my right is is Schwarzenegger yeah so I'm on the Deus and I'm and roasts are hard because you you write I mean Stan Winston everybody had the same Google search and everyone had the same information on Stan so I wrote a bunch of jokes for the roast and now I'm sitting there with a legal pad watching the roast from the end and the worst spot in a roast is last because the jokes are disappearing as the evening progresses everything you thought of is God oh he was a dentist oh he did this oh he did that and then so now I'm sitting there and I I put my head in my hands and I gave up now I've already prayed I've already done my meditation because I've never been on stage without first doing my I I wear my body armor I call it I do six I do I do 6 000 gratitude so anyway I'm sitting here and uh Arnold Schwarzenegger who I've never spoken to at this point he Taps me and goes he says what's wrong I said what's wrong I said they're doing all the jokes I wrote all the jokes that disappearing I can't do this I'm gonna bomb this is gonna be horrible we're at the Beverly Hills Hotel it's fact everyone's getting big laughs and I am going to be the dud of the night and so he says to me nobody's made fun of me yet he says why don't you roast me forget about Stan they all have the stand jokes he says he says I'll give you some material come on you like cigars I said sure he says come on we sneak out we'll go out in the courtyard so we went out in the courtyard and Arnold gave me a bunch of things that no one else knows jokes and I sat and I wrote a bunch of new things about Arnold and I got up and I actually survived it um by doing Arnold instead of Stan and um that was that night and I'll never forget it as long as I knew and then he gave me his card with a phone number written not his personal phone number and he said here he says you should call me we should get together I find you to be very refreshing very entertaining what a great guy I said okay and I put it in my wallet well Tom maybe you can speak to this there's a two-week if you don't call the person within two weeks you're done you can't call them he can he won't remember who you are he won't so I kept the card I never called him maybe that was my problem in Hollywood um I didn't have the uh I didn't have the guts you know I wasn't a climber I wasn't somebody that attached myself to people I've always been sober since I was out there um I came out there with my recovery and I've only been friends with people uh that I'm organically uh attached to um I've always felt like I never needed more if it didn't come from God then it wasn't for me and um and so consequently here I am uh in in uh I mean God's waiting room in Florida for one thing you're you're the anchor of the roast which means you're the best that you're absolutely they don't put we don't put guys that are not the best there were two Arnold loves comedy he loves comedians he considers himself a comedian you know he roasted him that I don't know if it's next year when he was governor and he get that jokes were just just people like oh my God why are you but he loves that he's such a good guy you know what that Jim Jefferies do you know Jim Jefferies Australian comedian yeah yeah yeah great guy he got hired to do a private party at Brett radner's house and uh Warren Beatty was there at Al Pacino all these people and he did he was nervous like everybody supposed to make fun of these guys it could go bad anyway he gets up at the table and uh and makes it gets it going it goes pretty well and Warren Beatty comes up to him afterwards and said here's my card I want to work with you so Jim Jefferies the next week Cold War babies office and his assistant answered and she said who is this Jim Jefferies we bet it uh just a second and she and when he could hear her say to war dating Jim Jefferies you met him at uh the Brett ratner's house and you can also hear him say I have no idea who that is that you know for comedians it's always better if the story is you know if we're not the hero of every story and uh but but I get why you didn't want to call people I get that I also but Tom you know now I I've been given a much purer approach to with my comedy I use I listen my whole job on this planet I understand to be is to make people joyful and make them happy and take no credit for it because um had I been more successful on a national scale had I been more uh well known around the world who knows if I'd still be clean and sober the point is I've been given a task I've been given a job I've been given a mission I stay on task I stay on job I stay on Mission I show up wherever I'm invited to go whether it's a dollar or a thousand dollars um I do whatever I have to do to make people happy I sign every letter I sent to people every email looking forward to making you very happy I don't know where I did all the happy from but it must come from God because being mixed being picked on having a lot of the same childhood traumas as you did having been through a lot of the addiction problems that you've had same same story basically different month different year different state at the end of the day to have this much happy must mean that it's a gift from someplace gigantic well also also your Arnold story is perfect you know who knows what would happen if you called and you the story of you and Arnold having those moments together and him helping you that's the home run you know and uh yeah I would be I mean I talk to him all the time but that's only because but but I'd be nervous like I'm weird about calling him down like geez I don't want to call they'd all sudden he'll FaceTime me at 11 at night there's his face I don't want to bug people the thing about you is you're so talented that's the number one thing am I good at what I do am I talented yeah I'll take that over any kind of success number one I'm good because we know people that aren't and and I'll tell you man it it careers Go in different ways sometimes you're uh get discovered you're 20 and sometimes you're 50 sometimes you're 60 but you go back go I'm respected I I love what I do I'm very good at it that's what that's what I think about you you're very good at you also share your sobriety um that's that this is where exactly the bet we all want to be if we all want more more and more more but you're so talented you can't you wouldn't trade that is a talent you have it for more success you just won't do it you wouldn't be the same guy you wouldn't be able to help other people you wouldn't be able to share honestly to be honest so that's what we're here we're at this tiny planet and this big universe and sometimes we think oh I am the most important thing they you know but we're not this is you know we're important we're important to loving people being loved being of service change in the world little by little by little put good ripples out there because we used to put bad ripples out there and that's how we were living our life and now and now we've turned it around well I'm just glad to be part of the natural order of the universe and ever since I you know like the zebras stay with the zebras and the whales stay with the whales and like the alcoholics and the drug addicts and apparently tonight the Jews we say you know you know I mean you and I would never walk up to each other on the street and say hello Jew how are you you know but because of uh you know it's it's funny our Judaism is nowhere near as important to us as our sobriety because without our sobriety none of these other wonderful things it has to be dub or what and people like well you have kids it's like if you're on an airplane and there's a problem and the airplane Dives and the mass drops down you're supposed to put on yourself before you put it on your kid and that's how I look at it like this is the number one thing I have to do the thing about Judaism once you have kids you start going okay I gotta we're gonna do this like you get real sanctimoniously it's like I don't need to and then you see your little kids like oh no I need to we need to do all this stuff and uh they'll be good for them they maintaining an addiction you know I forget what you said you spent a day uh is is hard it takes your all your brain power oh yeah but you know the thing is if we could do that if we could buy drugs on a on a desert island which we can then anything else in our life you know it's all gravy where we learn to do that was in a room full of people that weren't there to be they weren't there to be entertained they were there to hear about my my gut level my real story my my who are you who are you and why should we sit here for 45 minutes and listen to you um and that's where I learned how to I I learned I learned that's why I learned not to lie I learned not to hide I didn't I didn't have to hide I didn't have to lie I didn't have to make anything up all I had to do was show up and and the unconditional love that was there for me brought out a different side of my ability to convey humor through my actual story so when you sit in a group like that and you tell the worst thing you did and somebody's nodding nobody's judging you everybody's like oh yeah I get that I get that's a great feeling to go I mean this is my place this is my safe place where I could really share all of my you know characters and then you don't carry that shame if you you know because we love carried shape anyway thank you thank you so much Tom for this time that we got to spend together I I can feel us tailing off so we should probably just say um good night and and God bless and I look forward to seeing you in person um in the near future and I I'll be thinking about you you know and everything that you're doing and doing and going through currently uh you know the things that you have going on in your life I pray you know I'll I'll remember you in my thoughts on going and um until we get to meet each other in person and go hey I remember we did that together that was fun thank you I'll never forget this and you know my problems are high class problems compared to the problems I used to have so thank you for that thank you this is gonna this made me feel a lot better I hope other people uh they get a little bit of inspiration after they see us to maniacs and what we've done with our life and uh and so that's why we're here we're here on this planet to help other people well thank you to ahmadine for bringing us together um United We heal we unite to heal and um and and Tom and I um have had a wonderful time so thank you so much and thank you Tom thank you for supporting this wonderful organization thank you thank you thank you and and uh give more okay good night good night [Music]