Not Perfect

Another be Machshava. We're up to page kuf tes vav. Another. So, we had said that another expresses itself in two ways. It expresses itself in Machshava, thought, and it expresses itself in action. And the Mesillas Yesharim had taught us a very, very unique, important yesod that while other middos, sometimes even if you're not there inside, you can at least do them on the outside and hope that that the chitzoniyus will be me'orer the pnimiyus, that by doing the mitzvah, it'll spark it. You know, like sometimes you can, you know, like like in the in the in in English they say fake it till you make it, you know, like to do that. With a or mitoch shelo lishmah aval lishmah, you know, there's our concepts that sometimes I can go through something and >> [cough] >> and I'm not faking, you know, I I just responded to an email yesterday from someone a guy I don't know, someone sent sent me an email, someone who listens to the shiur and thanks to you, Dovid Meir. And he was telling he was saying in the email that he feels fake doing a lot of the things he's doing. He doesn't feel he's not he's not motivated, he's not passionate about it. He feels like he's faking when he when he acts a certain way. But on the other hand, it is what he believes in. >> Maybe they have a concept of lishmah aval lishmah. >> Yeah, so that's the idea, you know, like in a way, like we never want to be fake, you know, we want to be authentic, you know, it's a it's a it's a running theme that we talk about a lot. We don't want to be fake, and certainly if someone is is doing something, if you're sitting in a Beis Medrash learning and you feel like this is not me, how is it not me? I should be I should be in bed, or I should be running around, or I should be making money. It's not me sitting in a Beis Medrash, it's not me. So, it's certainly painful and it's certainly not a hot killer. You know, it's a lack of authenticity. It's not you're living a life and you're not feeling connected to it. But the question is where do you want to be and what do you truly believe? And sometimes we have to push ourselves to walk the walk and talk the talk about something even when our heart is not alive in it to protect that for us for when we're all in. Even a lot of times they have ups and downs and you may have this in your life very very often, you know, like you know, um um Let me ask you this question. Two husbands are sitting across from me. Let me ask this question, okay? Um by the way, Ethan, I apologize. I got back like after 11:00. Way after 11:00. So, husband and wife to sham. Um but What? Yeah. Um I already met the husband and wife also to be to be you know, by the way, I sham. Yeah, exactly. But anyway, two husbands, let me ask you a question. You're getting married and you're focused on your wives and you pay attention to them and you're interested in them and you're there for them, but you're not robots and life could get stressful and things could get busy and your wife could get into a a funk and there could be moments, days where maybe you're not super interested. You're not super focused. You're not super like inspired and motivated to spend time with her. So, what should you do? Should you say, "I'm I'm not really motivated to spend time with you."? Should you say that? Or should you continue to walk the walk and talk the talk even though you're not feeling it inside? What do you think? >> you're going to you're in a down right now, but you're going to be back here. >> So, that's exactly the point. In other words, you're not lying to her. You're not faking to her. You're maintaining the relationship because because it is what you want and it is where you're focused and the fact that these days are hard days is not a reason to tear it all down because then you can't build it back up again. It's a very important thing. We always talk about authenticity, authenticity, authenticity, but you could over-authenticitize. I just made up a word. You could overdo it. You know, a guy um a guy let's say it happens. A guy goes through and he signs and he comes to Yeshiva every day and he learns and he davens and this and that. And one day he's feeling angry at Hashem. So, what should he do? He should tear his yarmulke off his head, throw it to the ground, and walk out? That would be very authentic. But, think of the climb that he would have to climb to get back to where he wants to be. So, the healthy thing in that case is for him to acknowledge to himself, "Don't fake to yourself." To acknowledge to himself, "I'm not feeling it today, but I'm going to do it cuz this is what I believe in." You think a rebbe is in the mood of saying sheur every time he says sheur? You think in a relationship even as friends we're always in the mood of our friends? Do we tell our friends, "Not in the mood of you this week. I'm sorry. I'm not in the mood this week."? We don't do that. Why? Cuz we're liars? Cuz we're fakers? Cuz we're hypocrites? No, because that's the way we maintain the structure for what we truly believe and what we want to connect. Now, if a person has a perpetual long ongoing issue that he's not feeling connected, he needs to question that and deal with that and open that that up and try to figure out what's blocking. If it's what I believe in, if it's what I want, what's blocking me? A person has to know that, but but you have you know, you have to be you have to be you know, we do sometimes put the maiseh before the machshava. We do that. We'll put action before before the way we feel. We're going to do that sometimes. You know, if you're not in the mood to daven, if you start to to to really get into it, if you you know, I I know I said this over before. I knew a guy at Thomas an older guy. He's not alive anymore. And I was in Israel that I noticed this is this interesting thing. Every Rosh Chodesh or so, he would go to the store and buy himself another sitter. That was an expense that he took. How much How expensive is a sitter? $20? You know how expensive it was? Every Rosh Chodesh, every couple of weeks he got himself a new sitter. I was like, I didn't notice this sitter before. Like he has many many many sitter. Because it's how he keeps a certain freshness in his davening. It's exciting for him, you know? This sitter, this period, this font, this thing. It's fun for him. It's a very external thing. Nobody would say that that's called a madriga in tfila. But it's a external way to trigger a certain interest and involvement. And once that's triggered, it can come very much from the inside. You know, it doesn't last unless it's picked up from something real inside of you. Right? If you just keep doing the external, it doesn't last. It doesn't last. Just like with a relationship, you know, the external's pull for enough time to be able to build something real. >> [cough] >> If your relationship stays the same external, it dies. Same thing as with a relationship with Hashem. You know, it of course we have to it has to be it has to go to machshava. It has to go to the inside. But it's okay sometimes to do it on the outside and to give it time to to to fire to stop building the fire. To stop building the passion. It's okay to do that. Pesach is coming. It's okay to get into Pesach and to be doing it. And hopefully by the time you're doing it a little bit, it'll get triggered. And then you won't be you won't you won't be just doing it externally anymore. Then instead of the outside triggering the inside, then the inside will be triggering the outside. Amazing. Said the Nitzotzos we saw last time that by anava it is not that way. By anava, that is not the way it works. By anava, by humility, if you try to act humble before you're really humble, it does not help you become more humble. It helps you become a bigger bal gaiva. Cuz now you're also a humble guy. Look at that. Not only am I the smartest, the best looking guy in the room, I'm also the humblest. Humblest of all men. That's not That's not very humble, is it? You know? So, you have to be very careful. Humility anava is unique. It's not so simple. It's not so simple. That's cuz you're a very to me mystical person and you you're you're you're a very like um you're a very real person, so you feel that way. But, for many people, acting humble is like Look at Look how humble I am. You know? It's like that, you know? I'll give you an example. Like um um Imagine Imagine that um I came into a shul. Imagine I came into a shul. This happens sometimes. And uh and I I sit down in the back. But, somebody recognizes me that I'm a rav. And they want to be macha with me. So, they show me a seat in the front to sit in. I go, "No, no, no, I don't need it." They go, "No, really. We want you to sit in the front." Or the rav himself says he wants me to So, I go, "No, no, no. No, I want to sit in the back." They go, "No, no, we really want you to sit in the front." I go, "No, I want to sit in the back. I like the back. It's good. It's good for me." They go, "No, we really want you in the Whole shul is watching. And I'm like really living up this humility. No, no, no, I want to sit in the back. They go, "No, we want you in the front." I go, "Let me say that again. This is really going to be good. No, I want to sit in the back." You see how sometimes your anava is on display. You could humble and own your own if you want. But when your anavah is on display, it's ga'avah. The humblest thing you could do, the humblest thing you could do, is if they tell you sit in the front, just go sit down in the front. Right? Just do it. That's why you see all these big rabbanim, do you think they all need the dais? It's just the simplest ma'alah for them is just to do that. You know? So that's that's that's an important it's an important thing to cool off. You know, and this could happen in many many different ways, you know? You know, like um Imagine um imagine the rosh yeshiva got up by his shiur on Monday and he said, "Guys, you know, I've been working on my middah of anavah. >> [cough] >> I don't want you to call me Rabbi Saks anymore. From now on, I want you to call me Mr. Saks. Cuz I'm working on being humble. I don't have to go be rabbi. I could be mister." Would that be humility or would that be some kind of a external facade of pretension? What do you think he would ever do that? No. It's not It it sometimes leave well enough alone. Sometimes drawing attention to something and doing it is the opposite. When someone doesn't have anavah on the inside and he acts like it on the outside, it's it's it's external. It's unhealthy. It's unhealthy. It's just not healthy. You know what I'm saying? This is a complex issue, but it's important to realize. So we have to start with machshavah. Let's start with machshavah. Ha'anavah b'machshavah. Anavah in thought. He she'yisbaynen ha'adam that a person should be thoughtful. Think about this. V'yis'ames etzlo and it should be truth to him. He should He should recognize the truth. Asher ein hat'halah v'hakavod ra'uyim lo that praise and honor are not befitting for him. He does not deserve praise and honor. This is not, by the way, this is not the sense of good job. There's certainly a certain satisfaction that's described in the song that a person feels when they do a mitzvah when they're in the sayer and the Rabbi describes the simcha of achieving chuva. There's of course a certain sense of it. You don't have even when you finish learning a good say this sense of accomplishment. You think that's gaiva? No, that's not gaiva. In a way I would I would describe that as simcha. There's a certain joy from a good job well done. You know that satisfying feeling from a job well done. Good job. I did good. I did good. It's not I with a capital I blinking did good. But if I did good, like I feel good about myself. I feel I feel um I feel like I'm accomplishing what I need to. I'm doing my job. Okay, that's the next sentence. >> Every week in davening we say Allah to the king. >> Yeah. >> Is it like I'm praying for like say like oh hopefully like I'm considered as one of the kings to be rewarded? >> Uh actually you say not that way. You say Allah to the king, the Allah to the king, the king of all the kings of Israel, the Allah to the king, the Allah to the Allah to the king, the Allah to the king. The Allah to the king and us. So we do clearly say that we're not the king of all the kings of Israel. We do clearly say that we're not the king of all the kings of We but we do want to be included. There is I don't remember the details, but there is a part of a a mind that I have put there once said where he talks about that the Allah to the king as being very very important. Is that we recognize how important it is for us for us to attach ourselves to the king. That's the pride in that puzzle is that I'm attaching myself to the king. I'm davening to our king that I should be included with them. I think I think the way it goes is that Refa'einu asks, "If this is a bracha for tzaddikim, so why are you davening for yourself?" If you wanted the tzaddikim, so you wanted the tzaddikim. If you're not, you're not. But what's the aleinu and us? You know, what are you doing? It's not That's not what this tefillah is, you know? That's not what it's It's not what this is, you know? It's It's like imagine that you're davening for refuah. Hashem you should be I give refuah shleimah to everyone, and also I should do well on my midterm. Okay, that might be a good tefillah, but it's nothing to do with Refa'einu. You know? Even if you're in pre-med, it has nothing to do with Refa'einu. Okay? It's just not the right thing at the right time. So, if the bracha Good question, though. If the bracha is al hatzaddikim, if the bracha is for tzaddikim, so why are you davening for yourself? That's another bracha. Good question. The answer is that by virtue of the fact that you're connecting with tzaddikim, you're davening for them, and you're being marbitz them, that's your connection to them, and then some of their bracha could rub off on you. There's a There's a chazal that says, "Hidavek b'talmidei chachamim." Attach yourself to talmidei chachamim. And by doing that, you could say the aleinu and us, cuz I'm also I consider myself to be part of the sevivah of talmidei chachamim. And that even I think it's it's it's not I think it's it's a very um um sophisticated thing that I'm not being like super uber unhealthfully humble that I'm saying, "No, that's nothing to do with me." But I'm also not calling myself the tzaddikim. The humble approach is I have this chus to be connected with them. That's No, that's That's a good spot, right? I have this chus to be connected with the tzaddikim. In any event, so So, he'll explain why in a minute, but I don't consider myself someone who's worthy of honor. I don't need to be honored. Okay? How should came and that's the case that what you mentioned. And certainly I just not say I'll sharpen a minute. To be lifted up over everyone else's like you. You know, so you don't need to be the best, the most honored, you know, you don't need to be on on a pedestal more than the the other people around you. You don't need that. Okay? The same thing my share closer to be men who have heard. And that's because of what by definition is missing. It's all of us are closer. Right? We're all closer. We're all missing. We're all deficient in different ways. Right? You ever met a person who didn't have a deficiency? There's no such a thing. We all have our deficiencies. We all have our areas where we need to grow. Okay? We all have our areas where we need to still accomplish. That's that's what it means to be a human being. That's the nature of being a human being. The government might shock you actually be a dead also because of what we do have, which I'll explain later. So he says my plan my share closer be men who push it up. He says in terms of not feeling so such a bell guy there because of what's missing, he says that's push it. He he have sure the Adam is a mad regular share here. It's impossible for a person on any mad regular. I'm sorry share here men actually share here by his rather. There's nobody who could claim that I have like I'm mostly perfect. No, nobody could say that. Okay? And it becomes highly suspicious if somebody does. >> Even saying that contradicts it. >> Yeah, exactly. That's the biggest thing to say that. You know? I mean that to buy it could be by his nature, you know, some of us struggle with things. Many of us struggle with things that are our nature. Maybe we feel like we're lazy or we don't accomplish or we don't have such stamina or you know, there are things in our nature that are not perfect, you know? We don't be such a baal gaiva. We have these We have these limitations. We're limited people. We're not We're like calm down. We're limited. or in its mishpachtai or krovov, a person's family and relatives. You know, our family and relatives not always all that it's, you know, cracked up to be, and not all, you know, like, you know, sometimes we we find ourselves part of families or have relatives that like I don't think we should walk around such a baal gaiva, you know, when when we have our things that we, you know, that we davening for should be better and and more whole. We have our stuff to to deal. Not that it's our fault. He's not noticed that the mesillas yesharim is very important. He's not saying that these chesronos are your fault. He's just saying nobody is perfect. And having a sense of my lack of perfection prevents me from making myself bigger than the people around me. It's not your fault if you have family members that aren't perfect. It's not your fault that part of your nature is not perfect. That's what it means to be a human being. But being a human being is humbling. Because we're not perfect. Because we leave much to be desired. We're just grateful, as we know that's part of the middah of anavah, and we would discuss this in the beginning also. Part of the middah of anavah is to be grateful that um like Hashem loves us anyway. None of this makes us not worthy of Hashem's love. But it does make us very, very, very, very over the top grateful for Hashem's love. Cuz Hashem didn't look at us and be like, "Wow, he's perfect." It's not the way Hashem That's not why Hashem chose us. or in its mikrim shekarol, like things happen to us that we're not always super proud of. Um even just things that happened to us. It's not just um Um, what we did. We'll talk about what we did in a minute. But like, it's hard to be such a baal gaiva when we think of certain embarrassing, less than honorable things that have occurred to us in our lives. Again, even if it's not our fault, but it just takes away the gaiva, you know? The certain gaiva that it takes away. You know, I don't know if any of you ever have spent time in a hospital. I had to spend time overnight in a hospital. You ever had? To me, to me, I'm sure you'll agree with me, there's nothing more humbling than spending a night in a hospital. You feel like you're losing your humanity. Yeah, is it Did you do something bad? No. Is it because of anything your fault? No. The biggest tzadikim spent time in hospitals. But just sometimes there are things that happen that if you think about them, it just makes you not able to be a baal gaiva. You know, you're wearing that hospital gown, you can't be a baal gaiva in that gown. Right. And when you come out, if you recall that you had experiences like that, it prevents things from getting to your head. Like, it's a nice sweater for today, but like, you know, tomorrow we could be somewhere else, you know? Yesterday we were somewhere else, you know? Like, so it's important to protect the mikrum shakar ulay. Oy mitzad maisev. And this is maybe the part that's most poignant for us, is that our actions. Like, have we been so perfect that we're what right that everyone should respect us? We're really that perfect? Ch'adam ein tzadik ba'aretz asher ya'aseh tov v'lo yecheta. There's no tzadik in the world that did good and never made a mistake. Hein kol ailah mumim ba'adam. These are all um, mumim. These are blemishes in a person. She, if you think about them, if you're misbaynen about it, she einu meynichum l'maka m'snasos klal. They don't leave room for us to be like, how come I'm not getting more covered? How come that, you know, how come I'm not getting more recognition? Like, it's fine. I don't need the recognition. I'm in the same boat as the rest of humanity, imperfect. And I'm happy to stay there. Afilu ye baal mailos rabos. Even if I have many mailos, But if I focus on the parts that are not my lowest, it tones down my tiger to be recognized. The choir in Yanni strain is so a lot the the these deficiencies yes people they they they're enough to hold back the the the the feelings of Gaiva. Okay, let's stop here today.