Enabling vs Parenting: What's the Real Difference?

you say enabling, do you mean the concept of just show love and just continue to support all their craziness and I'm talking about a child and I want to pick up on what you've learned from years and years and years of dealing with this and making a comment like not under my watch it didn't happen and I appreciate you saying that. Can you teach us as parents what is it that we can learn from your experience to not enable and what does it mean to enable and also the philosophy in general that has been brought up so many times of just be a yes person, say yes to everything, shower them with love as long as they know that you love them is the concept then they'll come back to you. So can you break that down for a minute? Yes. I think there's three questions and I want to start with a story. Within within your comment there's three questions and I will I'll break them down in a moment. I want to start with a story. About a year ago I was working with a gentleman who runs a small business and he asked me to help him uh get past the ceiling he kept hitting. Which is again most of my work today is more executive oriented or from founder oriented. People who are either a solopreneur trying to scale with some helpers or a large company with hundreds of employees. It could be anywhere in the middle. So I'm sorry if I'm sorry to do this to you but pause for a second. So you're an executive coach? Yes. Executive lifestyle coach for people who own businesses and who want to grow right okay good. Go ahead. So the engagement was to help him get past his own roadblock. Whatever that roadblock is and we all have roadblocks. We all call them whatever you want. We all have trauma. We all have impostor syndrome. We all we're all trying to strive for more and that is stressing our existing belief about who we are to the core of our being and the more we're striving for more the more it's testing our metal. >> What was that roadblock? Can you share? Like just give me an example of what it could have been. >> One had to do breaking a certain cycle pattern of top line growth. He couldn't get past a certain number. Number one. Number two, the system kept breaking every time he would get to a certain thing he self destruct. And my translation of what was going on. It's not how he described it. >> His translation I'm curious what His translation was I need to get past this thing. I keep getting here and then fall and go off the thing. I keep getting here and I fall off the thing. So I'm having a difficult time scaling and growing my business because something's wrong every time I reach a success. Okay. So we're working together for uh some time whatever it was. Let's let's call it a month or two. I I know so my my style of working with someone is not just looking at the symptom of what's going on which is part of the answer to your question which is why I'm using this story. It's about seeing the symptom but understanding what's the core issue that needs to be addressed and then addressing that core issue. >> Okay so tell us what happened here. So I get a phone call from him one night and he's like listen can I get my my wife on the phone? It's not about my business it's about one of my kids. Now if that only happened to me once I would have been shocked but it happens to me all the time so sure and he knows my history and experience. So we get on the phone and they tell me that the kids therapist is recommending inpatient rehab because of ABC suicidality etc. I'm I'm going to It's okay. We can maneuver around so we don't connect >> Protect the It's okay. We we live in a community where we all know each other. That's fine. I understand. And this has happened hundreds of times. It's not only a one story but it's a good thing. So a father who's an executive running a business and you're helping him scale and grow his business and you recognize and he recognizes there are emotional challenges and family challenges that are probably preventing him from growing and holding him back. So he calls you and he calls you at night and says my wife's on the phone and we have a challenge with a yeah. >> we rehab. >> Our child for whatever reason has to go to rehab. And I'm listening to um what he's telling me. I'm asking very specific questions and I'm I'm not a therapist. I'm not a doctor but I have a lot of experience. And and a lot of results with that experience without the the many ups and downs if you know what I mean. Right. I have more upside than downside if you will in terms of the result. >> Your resume is cool by me. Continue. It's for your listeners who may not know that cuz If if you're here then they respect it. Awesome. And I say no rehab change therapists call this person do these two things and you need to work on this relationship directly and here's your protocol for how you're going to work on this relationship with your daughter. And he tells me are you serious? Like are you crazy? And his wife is like for real? 100% if anything changes call me. It's not a risk. It's a prescription. Go do it. Less than two weeks later phone rings random time and I I see a 10 and I'm I'm for a second you know you have you have that like what happened? And I pick up and he's he's emotional. I and I say Michael what's going on? His name is not Michael. Michael what's going on? He says you're not going to believe what happened. I said what? so I did what you said and I did this and I did that and whatever. He follows the protocol. And one of the things he offered was when you're having a difficult time until we get you placed in with a new structure we're setting up if you ever need help call me. I'm here for you. I'll stop whatever I'm doing. And so he gets a call in the middle of the day and she says I'm having a hard time. He says okay let's go for a walk and they go for a walk. And they're walking in the park at the corner or whatever down the block. And all of a sudden she turns to her dad and she says Dad could you she please just give me a hug? And the guy says it's the first time in three years I was able to wrap my daughter in my arms and tell her I love you properly. And he's crying. He's bawling on the phone. I said dude that's why you hired me not to break through on your numbers. So back to your question. It's possible. Rehab in my opinion for that kid would have been a disaster. She would have gotten worse not better. And in the context of that story I'm not saying no one should go to rehab. That's not what I'm saying. It has to be done carefully and it has to be done properly. It has to be structured in an appropriate manner and it has to be monitored properly.