Negative personality traits | The Shadchan Shmooze - Episode 6

does it work to match people up based on non-positive traits so generally speaking i would say not so and for example if we take some we take a negative trait like let's say anger somebody who is um you know gets angry easily or i would say that's not you don't want two people who have bad tempers to get married they're going to be all over each other um you know we want to struggle we want to stress the positive traits in people and i do believe that couples need to complement one each other complement each other kind of like a piece of the puzzle and when the two pieces are the same and they face the same way i think usually that's going to be a struggle so i would say they typically i do believe that goddess boro who typically puts us together as couples because one lacks something that the other one has so hashem feels that perhaps if i'm lacking something that my husband has we get married so that my husband can focus on the trait that i'm lacking so he can maybe guide me to try to work on my part of my mission in life does it work could that work do you have an example two angry people no disaster it sounds like it's going to be a disaster there's a story that i read about victor miller that somebody came to him and they needed to shut up and the guy had a temper problem and he had a black problem and he had a big temper and he just he wasn't managing to find a girl and finally he comes in one day and he says you know i just finally found the perfect shuttle for this guy i found the girl and it has an even bigger temper than he does but guess what it was a joke obviously it's not enough i i usually like if someone's very intense let's work on you know that's something that everyone is always afraid of she's intense you know this is what they're very big i want someone chill chill they're very into that um i think two intense people you know it's it's not good it's gonna be you know it's too much but i'm just trying to think because there has to be a little bit you know um i'm just trying to think or like two people that are very laid back i mean nothing's gonna get done no electricity no water i don't see how it's going to work you know what i'm saying um i'm trying to think how um [Music] i can't think of a specific example but anybody want to jump in here i think i've ever done that i don't think i've ever done it although i know some women very very headstrong very strong women and i can't see them with a man who's you know like like i call it like she'll eat him for breakfast type of thing you know what i mean like so in some ways sometimes you know a stronger personality really needs a stronger personality it has to be a balance i don't know it's a tough one example um actually an example of a young man who i set up multiple times and what i was finally getting the impression is that he does have a little bit of an edge to him and so i decided to call this other young lady who i thought could handle it even though she is not at all that way um and i and i kind of explained it to her and i said that he does have this um but i think that you would be okay with that and she laughed and she said she actually was and she thanked me for being so honest and in the end he said no but i don't think i've ever tried to do that i remember someone saying to me asked me about a certain guy when i was single and i said i think it is a thing of something a little wrong with him i think he's like a little strange and she said well do you know a strange girl to read to him i'm like okay but i haven't really tried to do that i usually try to look at people and think about what what what is their what's their qualities that you know who can i who do i know of that with them together is going to build something and create something and that's what i tell singles also you're not looking for someone who fits your list you're looking for someone who you can create something bigger than both of you with and who is that friend you know people who ask me jose for even dating advice or what they should look for so i generally try to guide them along those lines beyond you know what you think you need what is it that you need to what will the person have that together with your qualities you can build something and create something bigger than both of you what do you see as the reason for the of crisis i see a few things first of all i feel that one of the big problems is and this goes back to the first two questions that you had asked earlier i really really feel that people are not open-minded i think people put themselves into a small box they're looking for that fish that they want to marry but they're looking in a little fish tank they're not even looking in a lake and certainly not in the ocean um so many times i've had people turn me down turned down a boy actually a boy turned down a girl because she was not blonde um after that i basically did not deal with him because i wasn't going to limit myself to only finding him a blonde girl it ended up he met a person on his own not planning on a date but after he got to know her through other venues he ended up marrying very dark complexion very black black here and they loved each other it was amazing we were teasing him about it and he was like well i didn't realize you know what that's what happens very often um i also think that a lot of times we keep ourselves in that small box of what we're looking for or we feel that we are so perfect that we need only perfect i always remind people just remember none of us are perfect i mean i know i am but other than myself you know no one is perfect and we have to really pick and choose what can we live with and many people are not willing to give up on anything i'd like to comment on that question as well i personally think this up crisis as its term today is not being is being literally caused by the singles themselves um it's it's they're the ones that are causing the crisis you can't stop there i know she is a good boy i'm sorry thank you right the other one is the the yes we missed we missed the first point oh so again so again i really feel the crisis is being done by the singles the crisis is not being done by anyone else it's the singles that are causing the crisis themselves that's number one number two how is that just explain the first one how is it that you see that they're they're causing it i think because they themselves like um like kaya mentioned um i mean i think that themselves are they're they're acting like i really want to say this they're acting like they're going they're acting like the um this is why date very differently and we're starting to end the singles even the very firm ones are starting to emulate the single ones i'll tell you a very incredible story short one i met with a guy black cat guy yeshivish to the max he came in him i interviewed him before coronavirus i met him in the living room and he was very picky about looks so uh we started i basically said to him you know when you marry a girl she might look a certain way but after children as she ages you know they start to look different it lasts so this is how going perceive marriages this is not how a from yeshivish guy should be looking at number two i think that the social media the facebook and all this stuff has had a very negative influence on our on our jewish um singles um as you know again maybe not so the firm ones because they typically don't have social media accounts at least typically don't but even when you send them a picture even when you think it's a good suggestion many of them especially the modern um automatically many of them will go to the facebook page and i always tell people if you have a facebook page which i'm against it please update it especially the balchuva's they may have changed so i've had girls that go oh you know i see him with a girl next to it number one that girl could be a sister or this could be you know someone else you don't know so don't judge by what you see number two the person could have changed so i really believe that um social media has done has been very negative um in in the respect of trying to find their best shared can i just say something to that um so first of all i don't blame singles so much um at least not as much as you um i think that as far as let's say even the picture situation and facebook and seeing other things i think that a lot of it was probably caused by simple spot where the people are looking at pictures of people that are engaged and of course when somebody's engaged and they're so happy and their happiness is coming out of their faces and they look so beautiful and probably this that picture is way nicer than any of the shuttle pictures that they ever ever had so now that becomes like what they're judging by like they're that those were the first pictures that they were seeing so now they're thinking that the girl has to look like that which is not realistic and another thing that i think is also causing it is that i think that shithanim very often are making it happen because they're giving in to a lot of these things and i think it's the shuttle's fault that the pictures are being out there not the singles fault i don't think that the singles one they woke up and said oh we need pictures i think sheldon were providing the pictures and it became like a normal thing to have um i think also when guys are 30 years old and they want to go out with 22 year olds chuckling are offering those suggestions and that's why it's happening or when a guy has some other major issue and then you know and then they're they're trying to like give them pictures of girls or suggesting girls that are like really accomplished and beautiful and have everything going for them and the guy is really not up to that and she she's probably gonna say no to him anyhow but he now thinks oh this is a possibility so that's just what i'm i'm still trying to protect the singles and i'm still behind them i think we have to make it work but mrs khan looks like she has something you have to say go ahead well first of all i 100 agree with everything ori said you asked a question earlier about um who won't i work with i won't work with men who want someone fifteen or twenty years younger than lit i just want i just i you know if they're 30 and they want a 15 year old if they're 45 and they want a 20 year old whatever 30 year old i just don't work with them period and i and i'm nice but i say i don't think it's realistic i don't think that a girl that age wants you well i know someone i said fine so go find someone who'll help you and i just you know and i think that that shahanam should stand firm and just have certain boundaries and think about it like what what are these two people offering to each other um i also i'm not sure but if there's a really issue of crisis i think that there's not enough people helping make sure the home i call it a shock crisis um lots of people like to do lots of things not everyone has single you know personal skills to work with people to understand human beings but i think a lot of people could set up more or could throw ideas to people who are in the trenches and i don't think enough people do and i also i don't really blame this on shidduchim or the crisis maybe more on a divorce problem is people's lack of self-awareness not recognizing who they are what they bring to the table and what's a good match for themselves some people eventually get to that point but again when matchmakers are constantly setting up the guy who you know is the cashier at the local kosher store with a girl with a phd okay sometimes it works but i don't think we should feed into these fantasies you know the guy who's 200 pounds overweight with someone who's very small it's not nice to eat either person it's insulting to the girl it's it's unrealistic for him and we should you know sometimes maybe i'm not much like the um i i try to be kind but i am also realistic and i don't really perpetuate people's fantasies and so that you know that that's just i i i definitely think there's a lot of singles but i think for the course of the day i could sit literally at my computer be on the phone from eight o'clock in the morning until midnight and i'm just one person and i get very overwhelmed and very tired and very drained and i think if more people were helping a little bit it would not be quite as bad this is peterman you understand something yeah um two comments as far as the of crisis my husband and i have very often talked about it for starters god does not make mistakes so if you're not married there's a reason you may not realize it number two they also say that the of crisis is way worse for the girls but as far as i've heard at least in our circles for every single guy that gets engaged there's at least one girl getting engaged if you're open-minded you will find my kids found i found we were open-minded we didn't necessarily get exactly what everyone thought for sure we would be getting or we should be getting and you have to sometimes compromise and work with real real life you know i wanted to uh comment on ori when you said about the simcha spot a boy actually said why do they look so pretty after they're engaged but i think that part of the of crisis is also that the boys are holding here and the girls are holding here religiously and no one wants the compromise right so i also had one more thing to say that um by the last shabbaton in the zone rahel birnaham this question came up to russell burnham and about boys wanting to date girls that were not really or even the other way also the girls you know wanting something that didn't make sense for them and she said to me she said at the thing she says you know what just read what they want and then they'll just get the nose and too bad on them and eventually they'll learn so there is i guess that way of looking at it but i kind of feel like it's a waste of time for us and it is of course easier if you know yourself and you know what makes sense for you but she had this other side she says if it's not working then just read it and they'll get to know and goodbye you know put a girl through that having to go out on with someone that's no she won't give you the yes she's not getting a yes she's going to say no okay something about giving a heavy guy a thin girl i'm always embarrassed to give someone heavy someone else heavy because i don't want to insult them right well i'm not saying it's only listen it's not physical but i'm saying like it you know there's many factors i i think about it in my head are they good for each other both of them not just is she good for him or is he good for her but are they in my head the way i line things up do they seem like they're good for each other does it feel even like this this they're not exactly bringing all the same things to the to the up but they they even out the way i look at things and you know but there's a boy i know we we all have probably worked with him and he's he's a lovely young man and i've been speaking to him probably the last almost two years about why is it the girls he wants to date or gets a date with eventually always say no to him and he's had a very hard time with it and he's very sweet he's smart he's educated good looking great family um obviously there's some sort of disconnect because the girls who are happy with him he doesn't want and the ones he wants don't want him but he is actually finally at age 28 working on it and um i think that some people it takes them a long time unfortunately and a lot of loneliness and a lot of pain to recognize that for whatever reason they weren't either they're doing something wrong on a date they're so nervous that they're so happy to meet somebody that they act silly and the person's not interested you know i don't i don't really know but well that's very interesting i actually have a guy who i work with who's 29 and he told me last week he said mrs collapse i want to admit to you that for the best past bunch of years i really wasn't dating properly and i think i was just waiting for that perfect girl to come along and then maybe i'll just get engaged to her like i wasn't really working on it but now i just thought but now i for the past few months i've really been working on it and i don't even ask for pictures i just want to hear what the girl is about and i want to make it work and how much for him yay good for him he's trying to be realistic right he should get married part of that is is um what i stated which is that people just have very unrealistic expectations and um and always and and really not understanding what what you're looking for in a marriage um i have talked to girls in their 20s and uh we have a lot of this in the east and the west coast i don't know if this is the same in the east coast but a lot of these girls are very particular he must have the same education and college degree as i have you must come from the same family side of town as i have he must agree to live here they have like all of these things that this person must be and must have and they never ask like they don't discuss the things that make a great husband um someone patient someone um generous i i um i don't know they they don't they're not looking for qualities and i i've married off you know three children and i'm gonna be wearing off my fourth one soon i i never it never occurred to me to ask for these other things and i i just feel there's a real lack of understanding of what you're looking for and what marriage is i mean to a certain degree the fact that we have exposures to the whole world sometimes makes singles feel like you know there's another person out there somewhere else and it doesn't end and um unfortunately it does sometimes end and people always looking for the next opportunity i think becomes very problematic and people really have to learn to focus on the particular individual that's in front of them and you know make sure they don't lose