Rav Leo Dee's "The Seven Facets of Healing" Featured on JM in the AM

JM in the AM and Morai Shapiro song is called Unity. Actually an amazing intro into our next guest who like any responsible Jewish leader >> or a person who has become a uh person of note in our community is always calling for unity and praying that in fact we will be as unified as possible. Um before that you heard the Jacob Schweki selection Kulanu Yadim Sha JM the AM on a Wednesday morning broadcast. Rabbi Leo D is with us after the devastating loss of his wife and two daughters in a terror attack in April of 2023. Rabbi Leo Discovered that the path to healing involves building a new inner world where resilience and hope can grow alongside positive memories. He has written the seven facets of healing. It offers a roadmap for rebuilding life after devastating loss through seven interconnected facets. And of course, we'll talk about those interconnected facets. And uh I do remind everybody that since uh this horrific episode um that occurred to the D family back in April of 2023 um Rabbi D has remarried and um and uh continues to I don't want to put words in his mouth but continues to move forward so to speak in this personal and very open journey. Rabbi Leo D, a pleasure to welcome you back to JM in the AM. >> No, it's a pleasure to be back here again. Thank you. >> I appreciate that very much. You know, it's funny. Um, you you and I mentioned in the intro that you discovered that the path to healing involves building a new inner world. How long does it take to build that new inner world? It's interesting. Uh people say to me, you know, time heals or time doesn't heal and I still have broken hearts or I can fix it. All these different things. I I think what I've discovered is that it's around triggers. Um when a tragedy happens, God forbid, um everything is a tri a trigger for you. You know, your friends are a trigger, your family's a trigger, anything you see or you do or you hear, you know, immediately is a trigger and it just puts you back into that moment of pain. Um and I think what happens is that in over time um those triggers spread out a little bit more and you know you you start beginning to realize what's triggering you and um that uh you you you begin to realize what's triggering you and and then you're able to take each trigger and uh and deal with it in indiv individually um and and work on it in in order to build um to to to build your life uh by by fixing Each trigger >> is are are there positive triggers? Are there things that happen the same way we would look at a trigger as you just described? Are there things that happen that trigger comfort or trigger, you know, more resilience? >> No, I I don't think so. I think that uh what happens is um you get pain uh from the trigger and if you understand what's causing it, you can begin to fix that trigger. M >> um so it's not that you you know you heal in the sense that god forbid you forget uh your loved one it's just that all the moments that cause pain when you think about them uh can be uh transformed into into joy. So I can now you know more and more I I can remember Lucy my arena with a smile and uh and I don't have to burst into tears and and I think that's the trick. It's about figuring out what what's triggering you, what's causing you pain, and then thinking why is it causing me pain and then the moment you're able to to understand it, uh it almost goes away immediately. It becomes it ceases to be a trigger anymore. >> Wow. The book is called The Seven Facets of Healing, a practical guide to recovery by Rabbi Leo D, who's with us live via telephone. Now, you describe uh the healing power through the following facets. Um, and the list goes as follows. Family, friends, fitness, faith, function, finances, and fun. Are these seven facets in a specific order for a reason? Does the recovery start with family, and you can't move on to the others until that has kicked in, so to speak? I think um that they're all equal and and I don't think there necessarily is an order, but you're right. I I think family often is the first uh the first thing that one can uh can can use as as a healing. I mean, people say to me, how um can you ever recover from such a tragic loss? Um and and I think it's interesting if if you think about it, God forbid somebody loses someone very very close to them, the family that they love with all their heart. And um most of us would think you know we never recover from that because uh that person is so important to me and I spend all my time with them and I love them so much. Um but if you actually think about rationally which is not something we tend to do uh you know a before something happens and b when it happens but if you think about rationally if you harbor that much love for one or two or three members of your own family right that you feel that you could be you know it's not fixable then you probably also have that amount of love for other members of your family right for whom uh staying you know staying positive afterwards um and uh you know keep keeping that relationship going and and and and looking after them and caring about them uh can pull you through. So precisely the thing which you think is going to make you uh unable to cope in that situation is precisely the same power power of family which is what's going to keep you going for you know if something happens afterwards. Well, um many of these I think are relatively easy or or I should say are understandable uh you know to the casual observers, those listening right now. I think all of us understand how family and friends and even fitness and faith play a role. Um especially these days when you know fitness can be you know a a piece to a lot of you know discipline and a lot of uh you know uh um overcoming resilience. But tell me about finances and fun. How do those two work into being such important facets that they made the top seven of Rabbi Leo D's list? >> Right. I I think it's interesting. One of the things which I'm uh hoping to move more and more into in the next couple of years is um you know PTSD, helping people with PTSD particularly in Israel where that's quite a trend. Um and one of the things that I think we need to do more is a holistic approach to uh healing. And you know we we go in and we give them a nice break. they fly them over to T- neck for a holiday which is very important and we give them treatments uh and that deals with a bit of the fitness side of life and and uh and so forth but it's one out of seven um you know people who have suffered trauma in the army or through terror attacks or any any type of trauma uh often affects their their jobs and one of the biggest worries on their head is how they're going to get food on the plate for their family. Um, and I think when we when we deal with with trauma, we we tend to forget that, you know, we look at the person and say, well, maybe they need a bit of calm, maybe they need, you know, some people to come and visit them and friends that, but but actually, you know, could be that for for many people, you the concern about how their job and their career is getting and how they're going to pay, you know, the mortgage is is uh is weighing on them and that's one of the things that's holding them back from healing. So, I think it's it's holistically it's it's a critical part of of uh the puzzle. No. >> Um, as far as fun is concerned. >> Yeah. >> No, go ahead. I'm sorry. >> Yeah. Sorry. As far as fun is concerned, um, this was like a strange uh, revelation to me. Um, I I've said this story a number of times, but I think it's worth repeating that the third day of the Shiva, um, a girl came to the Shiva apparently to speak to me. She was from Amidra in the north of Israel. She slept a couple of hours on a bus to to get to us. and we had 10,000 people at the shashem and so she didn't get anywhere near me. She ended up chatting to my sister and she wanted sort of spiritual advice about some problem in her life. I don't think I was in the state to give it to her at the time anyway. But um my sister brush my sister bless her is um is is a PhD psychologist. So she you know she's aware of life and so forth but she's not really uh into sort of uh spiritual not such a spiritual person. And um after the everyone had left about 10:00 at night, my sister said to me that this girl had come and she tried to give us some advice, but she said it felt like somebody had come to visit the pope and ended up speaking to his cleaning lady. And uh so I I burst I burst into hysterics. I burst into hysterics at at this vision that she presented. And uh and then I immediately felt guilty because here I am on the third night of my Shiva for my wife and my two daughters and it's the saddest time in my life. I mean I can't you and I'm sure no people can hardly imagine a more traumatic and and tragic time and I was in hysterical laughter and I think to myself how can it be that I'm you know I'm I'm terribly deeply sad um and I'm laughing and it took a while but I realized that actually there was no contradiction because you know It is a mitzvah to be always in sync. Um it's also a mitzvah to be sad at a funeral and other times. Um there's no contradiction. It can't be that the rabbi said you have to be happy always and at the same time you have to be sad. So um turns out that um actually happiness you know also you know um is is a tremendously important aspect of uh healing. And what one of the things which I say in this book is there 30 chapters >> uh based in the structure of these seven different sort of facets of healing. But each one starts with an assumption and a reality. In other words, you know, this chapter on happiness would start you saying the assumption is you can't be happy if you're mourning and you're you suffer tragedy. The reality actually happiness and laughter is healthy for you. Um and and I remember that uh you know after the tragedy I spoke to many many groups and at the end of the talk often they'd want a group photograph uh with me and I consciously remembered uh I said how can I smile when I've been through such a tragedy you know maybe I'll never smile ever again although obviously I you know did smile during the year but but I didn't want to smile in these photographs. Um later on I I remembered something which I knew from before which is that um not only do we smile when we're happy but actually smiling makes you happy. So if you you know try if your listeners want to try this putting on a thick smile on your face you know for 10 seconds in the morning like a really wide smile at the end of 10 seconds I guarantee they'll they'll feel a bit happier. Um and so you know our our natural instinct which is to look sad when we are suffering um is actually uh working against us actually healing because if we were to look happy we would actually be on on on a path to healing. So this was this I discovered in in everything. I mean the 30 chapters every single one what the information is actually the opposite to what you might think and and I think the reason is because our yates our our evil inclination our our anim animalistic sort of nature does not actually want to heal. There is some sort of anim animalistic pleasure in being miserable and lying in bed and not having to get up to do and not having to get up to work and not having to get up to speak to people and to justify your existence and and to talk and and so that you know there many many pressures on us internally in our bodies and our minds keeping us away from healing. And the moment that you stop listening to the natural instinct after a trauma um and actually start doing the right thing uh you're already on the path to healing. It's the old uh it's the old drove into it's the old happiness is a choice if one wants to uh you know >> it is it is but it's even it's even worse than that because after a trauma uh all your instincts are the opposite >> right >> uh it's hard to explain but you you just yeah you you sort of you convince yourself to do all the wrong things >> wow herb Leo Dod is with us by the way you mentioned PTSD and we know that uh in the aftermath of this terrible war we know what so many in Israel the soldiers and um and those who are injured especially, you know, are going through and those who are going back to their families is a difficult adjustment and no matter how many stories you hear, it's it's just multiply it by god knows how many more in terms of those in Israel trying to get back into regular family life and society. These guidelines, because remember, you're writing a book about recovering from the trauma of these terrible and devastating losses. these guidelines, these seven facets, could do you feel uh that that someone who's unfortunately in a situation like that of PTSD could be very helpful. Yeah, I I think that um I I imagine um and maybe I'm I'm wrong, but I I think that people who are suffering trauma, having been on battlefield and seen terrible things happen or uh people who have lost you members of family uh even even those bereavement of a parent or whatever um you know we all we're all suffering trauma uh from from many different things and I think that these rules apply generally across the board. um it may you know does that certain extently apply even in uh in times of challenge in our lives. I know I speak to a lot of youth uh in in my travels. I'm in Washington as you know at the moment. Uh we're speaking to high schools and universities then we're going to Canada in next couple of weeks. Uh and um and and and these rules apply for example you the concept you know the family concept of of of think about what you do have what you and and not what you don't have. M >> um I think you know grat that concept of gratitude is something that pulls all of us out of difficult times right because uh naturally you know we as human beings our evil organization does doom scrolling as you as you know we look for all the bad news >> uh and it's only uh radio stations like your own that that uh you know focus more on on on on the good the good news um and uh and that's really important because you know someone who's suffer suffering uh trauma or or tragedy or or crisis or challenge. Um, we have to refocus. That that's where the choice comes in. We can we can think about the bad or we think about the good. >> No question. I appreciate the recognition of what we do here. I appreciate that very much. The book is available on Amazon. Pretty easy. Rabbi Leo D. The book is entitled The Seven Facets of Healing. Again, the seven facets of healing. You could search for it on Amazon and get it almost immediately as things tend to go these days. Okay. Arab ID. Uh you know that there are members of our audience who would be very upset if I didn't bring this up. Uh and therefore I certain I certainly will take the opportunity to ask you um the the journey to go back into the social scene. The um the journey that you embarked on that ended up Baroo Hashem in you finding a new mate and uh and and marrying your second wife. uh how does someone even with the benefits of the facets of healing um in their pocket, how does someone find the resilience and the uh and the encouragement to take that journey and to get to where you are. >> Uh thank you for asking that. So, one of the chapters I talk about uh and and I've spoke, I think maybe even on this channel in the past about my my Shabbat alone, uh about a year after the tragedy, I found myself by myself uh for Shabbat. My three kids were all out that particular Shabbat. It was the first time it had happened since the tragedy. I for two meals, but suriously I came home to an empty house and I remember crying for half an hour and I was irreconcilable. And I thought to myself at the end of it, why are you crying? And and even though, you know, might seem obvious to some of the listeners after what happened, I had been home to an empty house during the week on multiple occasions and I hadn't burst into tears like that. And I realized that um it was being by myself on Shabbat the first time in 30 years. And the moment I realized this, and this is really the principle behind this whole book, uh the moment you realize what's causing the pain, what the trigger is, the pain can go away. And literally the moment I realized um I realized what the pain was, I asked myself the question, what can I do? I said, I need to get remarried. That was the aha moment. And the moment I thought of that, the pain disappeared. >> Wow. >> And you know, it seems that that that was a proof to me that that was what was causing it. So I started on a on a journey that was about um a year and a half ago. Um and people had already started calling me and offering me shadim and so forth, but at that point I started sort of in earnest saying yes. Um and and um and it was it was a journey and and you know the strange thing is I have to say you know people after bereavement of a spouse um you have to be careful not to jump in too quickly because um I realize now that the ladies that you know I I found more interesting at the beginning were totally inappropriate for me. Um and you know it took me you know it was only because I I met many many ladies about went out with about 30 uh women in in in a period of about a year. Um that I realized what I was looking for. So um I think it's very easy to fall into trap of you know of of taking the first person that you you like but it may not be the right type. And and funny enough, uh, at the beginning, a lot of the women I I dated, uh, turned out were dating me because they wanted advice on dealing with trauma. >> Wow. >> And, um, I I didn't mind. I I was I was talking a lot about this at the time anyway. So, for me, it was quite it was quite fun, you know, it was quite easy and fun to talk about. But when I met Alisa um I um I recall that um we went up we spoke the first uh date was 3 hours and she didn't once ask me about trauma you know we talked about everything and just like normal topics and and um I realized that actually this was like a healthy relationship and this is not building it based on you know a particular time but she saw me as a full person and hopefully I saw her as a full person and that that was what you know what made it very And when you're standing under the with Aliza, is your mind racing in a million different directions or you have tremendous peace and tremendous focus on that moment? >> So it was very interesting. Alisa, you know, has a a strong background in Hadra. She actually ran Bena in North America. She was one of the senior people in the team 20 years ago. And she's always been involved in that. She's now a manager in high-tech company, but effectively, you know, she's just a grown-up mad. Um, so she >> does she appreciate when you remind her about that? >> Yes, I think I think so. But um I I think so she she determined quite rightly that the should be a check. So just like we have between Yamikaron and Yahood, we have like from the sad to the happy. um she determined that's what we should do. So we put the breaking of the glass right at the beginning. So we after we did the uh the Kuba um uh and in fact after after I handed her I put the ring on and we did the Kuba before the reading of the Kuba we actually squeezed in uh the breaking of the glass and uh Tylie and Karen my daughters uh both made speeches about Lucima and Reena and it was very to remember them um and then we wrote the glass and then everything was happy from then on and literally from that point on it was just uh sim the bra uh singing and that that was that was that very >> so that gesture that gesture that recognition was a was a key part of it. >> Absolutely. To to uh to to acknowledge the pain um but also to break the glass and to move on to to move on on to the next the the the new life. I I talk about this also in the book and elsewhere that uh you know after the trag of the the 30 days of mourning I turned to my kids I said we're starting a new life um it's going to be a good life a happy life it's going to have memories of life number one we've had 30 days of mourning of tears of pain but uh we're starting again from scratch and this is uh you know this is what it it's going to be >> and I I don't want to ask directly because it's not appropriate at least I don't think so but but let let me just say we hope your daughters are doing well. We hope that they are in in fact thriving in this, as you would say, either next life or next stage of life. >> Yeah, shame. I mean, look, they're all at the stage. They're moving on. Yeah. In Israel, they they've done Karan had a national service and Tali is now in the air force. Uh, and Yehuda is in yeshiva and very busy preparing for his army uh placement in in a year's time and so forth. So um you know they they they kept very busy uh in Israel the youth which is very very healthy and uh they have so much meaning uh as as youth in in Israel. Uh it's incredible and that pulls them through. They got a lot of friends around them and uh that that also helps. You dedicated the book to Lucy, of course, your first wife of blessed memory, and to Charlie Kirk, and you and I have had a couple of conversations, and I don't know if you agreed with him on quote unquote everything. Uh why the dedication? >> Yeah. You know what? I I was just publishing it a few weeks ago and uh and he was assassinated. and have to say one of my vices is that I do watch a little bit of Tik Tok although my son has worked out how to limit me to 15 minutes a day so it runs out and that's it. Um but one of the pe one of the people who used to feature very regularly was Charlie Kirk and he would go to university campuses and he would speak you know to students who were anti-Israel particularly and anti- relligion uh you know and uh and he would stand there and he would give them very good arguments against you know abortion and against uh the the Palestinian dialogue on on Israel and so forth and uh I found him a very very inspiring very important uh person. I mean, he he's speaking to the youth of America, the Christian youth of America. I mean, these are greatest friends. They they are I have to say without hopefully insulting too many of your listeners that the evangelical Christians who support Israel are more important to us than the Jews who support Israel in uh in America today because they are, you know, a far larger number. BB when he got off the plane to meet Trump uh met with a group first met with a group of evangelical leaders before he met with a bunch of rabbis and quite rightly so. So you know these people are very important to us. I think they are our friends. You know we we're running out of friends in the in the world today. um you know Jews very right-wing parties in Europe and in Britain is that you know five years ago um were clearly anti-Semitic and Nazi you know elements and now uh the Jews in these countries because they perceived them to be the only hope you know the the necessarily our friends but I I do believe evangelical Christians really are are our ambassadors um in uh in the world uh for Israel uh because you know to the Israeli message. They're listening to but uh we we Christian friends who are you know understand the reality on the ground and are trans tens of millions maybe hundreds of millions of people in a way that we are in a world. I have a lot of respect and I also felt for Erica um his uh his widow um as uh you know I feel that a lot of these these uh things could be these tools could be helpful to her and her kids in uh in in healing and I managed to get a copy of the book over to her. So I'm waiting to hear what she thinks. >> Wow. Very nice. Very nice. Rabbi Leo D, we are always inspired when you are on the air with us. The brand new book is entitled The Seven Facets of Healing. It's available on Amazon. Wishing you continued uh continued success both in your personal life and this in this amazing mission to help those uh who are suffering in Israel to help those who need this message around the world. As you said, you're now in the middle of a tour speaking to high schoolers about important topics. Um all all we could say Rabbi D is vat continued success in >> thank you always a pleasure to speak to you >> really appreciate that. Uh the book is entitled the seven facets of healing. It's on Amazon. It's written by uh Leo D. A practical guide to recovery. Check it out. We highly recommend it. More coming up. You're listening to a Wednesday morning broadcast at JM and the AM.