My Parents, My Children, Myself: A Delicate Balancing Act- Dr. David Pelcovitz

thank you pleasure to be here hi so let me let me get a sense of the audience in terms of what kind of sandwich we're dealing with here okay how many people here are caring for elderly parents and one way or another pretty much everybody and how many of those who just raised your hands have children who are in emerging adults children who are young adults or older okay and how many of you are stressed okay okay so that's that's and how many right exactly exactly so let me talk I mean there are a lot of ways to bring this but let me just share with you some of the research I had a PowerPoint it's totally my my mistake I brought it in the wrong format and that's I'm not sure if it'll get here in time in terms of converting it to the right format totally my my responsibility but I'll just talk to you like they did in the old country just old-fashioned talking okay so here's here's what I'll talk about first of all it's important to understand the the impact in other words you have to you have to know what you're dealing with is the first step sometimes we have stress and we don't even know what it's coming from especially when it's chronic stress when you're constantly constantly being faced with an ongoing kind of stressor then you tend to get tunnel vision you tend to get irritable tend to get on overload you tend to get fatigue like we just learned from the last talk the kind of things that happen get in the way of clear kind of thinking here's what the research shows about people in the sandwich it shows that physical indicators that are almost universal include fatigues disturbed sleep I'm sounding like dr. Huber felt right this symptoms like headaches suggestive problems the body keeps the score okay when we're under constant stress there's a whole range of ways that our body tells us that we're on overload okay restlessness then there's there's the emotional changes and the emotional changes include could be feelings of guilt like you're never quite doing enough because you can't always be there and how do you divide yourself in terms of being there for the parents versus being there for the child and then having your regular life in terms of job responsibilities in terms of responsible I mean what life is stressful even without these being in the middle of a sandwich right so there's a guilt there's anger at family members who don't help which is very common thing where you'll have one or two family members who do the lion's share of the work and you may either be quietly angry or noisily angry at that person but they may not help for a variety of reasons it could be because of I I won't even speculate I'm sure I'm sure we could get a discussion going for the rest of our time just on that right but that's that's very common mood swings feeling overwhelmed becoming cynical what is it that Oscar Wilde said a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing you know so you have that also withdrawal from friends and then becoming distracted and forgetful okay so what do you do what do we do about this that's what this talk is about and by the way and there may be people in this room although I doubt you'd be here if everything was totally stress-free who have the experience and experience much more of the positives and not much of the negatives because there are tremendous positives you know they're they're the positives of caring for an elderly parent where you get to spend time with them in a way that you didn't when you were much younger where they may not have been available to you because of them you know because of their pressures and now you have them and you have you know this generation has the mitzvot keyboard I've and he would aim longer than any generation in history had and both the costs of it but also the benefits of it so this could go in a lot of different directions so let's let's talk about the what to do about this and then we'll we'll figure out where it'll take us okay we're good okay so let's go number one is has to do with the chicken pox analogy chicken pox analogy goes like that like this okay imagine two families who have a child with chickenpox okay one person they have five children this is their fifth child the older four had chickenpox already and their next-door neighbor and best friend is a pediatrician the other family who has a child same level severity of chickenpox so that family is living in a rural area no easy access to medical care only child they never seen chickenpox before they have no ideas that child live gonna live as a child going to Isis there's some kind of fatal illness is it gonna leave permanent scarring and a million different questions same level of severity in one case pain in the neck but no big deal in the second case it's it's something that is terrifying what's the difference between case one and case two between the high level of stress and the low level of stress everybody what's the difference knowledge the power of knowledge the power of perspective is all is is is is is everything and to the extent that we could familiarize ourselves even just by talking about it by saying you know there's a fascinating set of research on job burnout now let's say you have a very stressful job that requires a lot of you and it's really and you're feeling burned out they say just the knowledge that the job is stressful and that you're having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation just knowing that and being able to talk about it is actually about half the battle makes a big difference in terms of the level of stress and the level of Burnap so that's point number one so point number one is just to educate yourself and allow yourself to have this kind of reaction because that's what anybody is going to do in response to being in the middle of the sandwich does that make sense to everybody you know just sort of the power of it you know I'll tell you a vignette that's gonna sound a little off topic but it's it's a vignette of the crying baby in the back of the room because it shows me because to this day it makes a difference in certain things that would have been stressful for me otherwise I was giving a talk I was scowling residence in a large community somewhere not in New York and there about four or five hundred people in the room and it was a post kiddush talk on Shabbos it's before people went home and it was people who seemed highly motivated to hear whatever I was gonna say about whatever a topic and parenting it was about it so it's a very motivated crowd in the back of the room there was a young mother who had a baby who was crying non-stop crying in a way that was really driving everybody crazy nobody could hear anything I was saying this is on Shabbos there's no nice great setup like here where you know I just have to talk and you could hear me and it was it was people were getting angrier and angrier they were shutting and the woman in the back wasn't moving the baby was crying she was holding the baby and walking trying to sue the baby but the baby didn't stop crying and people are screaming at her to leave they're like really giving it to her a man up front who was a Holocaust survivor gets up and he turns to the 400 people and he says 70 years ago when I was in Auschwitz if you would have told me that 70 years from now I'm gonna be a room we're gonna be hearing words of Torah integrated with words of psychology and how to raise a child and there'd be a Jewish baby in the back of the room crying do you know I would not have believed you do you know how amazingly amazingly grateful I am for that baby in the back crisis do you know what a miracle it is for us to be able to hear that baby at the same time that we're allowed to sit down and learn about our heritage and learn Torah and learn how to integrate into our lives he said he said we should be filled with feelings of gratitude that we're here at that point two things happen the baby stopped crying the baby did not cry for the rest of the talk okay which is an interesting talking himself how did the baby know to stop crying but the other thing that happened that was very very clear was that it stopped bothering us had the baby cry from that day on when I hear a child making noise in the back of room I think this really is a miracle it's amazing it's amazing so that's the whole point as the baal shem tov said boom welcome Shema Shaftoe shalad I'm Sam who names AHA Adam you want to know where the person is look at their thoughts and when our thoughts are able to deal with this ongoing chronic stress and see it as okay you know we have every right to be frustrated but to understand and to understand that again we're having a normal reaction to a truly stressful kind of situation and to understand a little bit about some strategies that might help that cognitive kind of intervention can can really make an important difference so that's the chickenpox analogy okay something that everybody who knew I was talking about this today came over to me they said you're gonna talk about naming the monster right and because that's what I often like talking about and I will okay because I think it's so important if I was showing you my powerpoint I'd show you a picture of what happens when you name the monster the different parts of the brain that light up when you name the monster but you don't you don't need that I'll talk it out it's just as important and it comes from the story of a very close colleague of mine who's working on we were working on a paper after 9/11 this is exactly 18 years ago I think eighteen years ago this may even be the anniversary of when this event took place we were working he was a Harvard psychiatrist and we were collaborating on writing on certain aspects of the diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder and we were working on a paper but he was in New York from Boston and he was working on working with the patient was a psychiatrist caught in the stairwell of the World Trade Center on 9/11 who barely escaped with his life and he comes running into my office and he shows me picture of a brain of this patient at the moment that he's having a flashback to the worst moment of his life literally what does our brain look like when we're on overload what does our brain look like when we're reliving something that literally is beyond endurance and what you see when you look at it is Broca's area shut down the language centers of the brain is shut down and you're literally rendered speechless whereas assessing the taurah the word biodome right our own being at a point of being beyond words but here's where it gets interesting as this psychiatrist working with this clients gave words to this man who was suffering with severe post-traumatic stress disorder because of what he witnessed and how he barely escaped with his life 18 years ago on 9/11 as he gave him words for his pain that's where the healing came and the more he was given words for his pain the more he was able to light up the language centers of the brain the better the better he did the better he did and that's in general what happens when we could talk about what we're dealing with and we could find somebody to share it with and we could validate like of course I'm having a hard time but I don't have to do this alone I don't have to deal with it alone let me talk about it let me understand it let me hear it and and and and and kind of understand how normal this kind of reaction is and understand that here's what helps what other people have found to be helpful and that whole array of interventions can really doesn't undo the sandwich but it makes the sandwich maybe a little more tasty okay we're good with that this will make sense okay next next main point I want to talk about is to talk about the issue of connection the issue of connection okay you know we were just hearing from dr. Huber Feld he was showing it using a tree as an analogy and I was just thinking we read in last week's Perisher he automates isida and we're compared to a tree and the morale tells us that in what way is the person like a tree he says a tree has roots and a tree has branches and in terms of the roots we stay connected to our sources of meaning and purpose in our history in terms of the branches we reach high we reach out to God we reach out to others caveats alright so that's what this part is about this part is about to the extent that we could connect here's the first point on it here's what researchers show you want to predict resilience and somebody going through chronic pain chronic difficulties one of the things they find is they say you let's say you only have one question to ask to predict resilience okay they say here's the question you should ask do you have one person in your life who you could wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning to talk to them if you're having a tough time okay an interesting question they say if you have just one such person who you could reach out to it could be a friend it could be a relative it could be a spouse it could be a son it could be a parent just one person of the answer is yes that's the number one predictor of resilience the day I saw that study I must have primed my brain to wake up at 3 in the morning and I shake my wife I said Lonnie Lonnie could we talk could we talk and she gets up she says yeah what do you need to talk about I said go back to sleep and she doesn't remember it thank God I got her in the middle of that that stage of sleep but the bottom line is that if we don't have such a person that's fine we could develop such a person it doesn't really mean 3:00 in the morning you can't deal with this kind of stress alone you can't deal with this kind of stress we could we could recruit and if family members aren't being as supportive as they should be the ultimate answer is going to be that there's a tremendous amount of acid out there it's a tremendous amount of loving kindness a tremendous amount of support there organizations like a few sir there are organizations with amazing classes and it doesn't mean you call them 3:00 in the morning but it means that you reach out because you know something when you have somebody help you out because you're stressed out you're actually doing them a favor you know let me share with you a study that I think is extremely important in terms of this topic it's the study that always makes me smile listen to this study okay they look at elderly individuals like some people in this room including me okay you look at elderly individuals when they volunteer because we always have the ability to deal with stress by giving to others it's one of the best stress reducers in the world right the whole idea of the hebrew word to give not time is a palindrome when you give you get back so elderly individuals volunteer they have a 40% lower probability of dying in a given year than matched controls so when you're reaching out to somebody to ask them for support when you're feeling totally stressed and you just can't do it because you have to drive your mother to the doctor for a visit and your your child desperately needs you to help with babysitting or she's gonna lose her job or whatever it might be with being in the sandwich okay when you figure out a way how to reach out to somebody you're literally giving them a longer life let me continue with studies on this okay in 1956 427 wives and mothers who lived in upstate New York were followed for 30 years regardless of their number of children marital status occupation education or social class those women who engaged in volunteer work at least once a week lived longer had better physical functioning even after adjusting for baseline health status that may be one study I have if I was showing you my whole powerpoint I have something like 60 slides of study after study after study showing that when you ask somebody to help you when they n/a and they help you you are literally prolonging their lives and you're leading to higher levels of happiness in that person and you yourselves to the extent that you could sometimes help yourself by helping others as crazy as that sounds it's a I think a very important point to keep in mind okay so in terms of the connection part of what we're talking about I think that's something to keep in mind and another part of connection actually maybe I'll go to the next point okay which is the point of talking well yet know I didn't the thing I always do what I have to do it on connection okay even though you've heard it to the point of moisture for me many of you in this room I recognize you okay it's the study on being at the bottom of a hill okay it's a great study I'm gonna add a study done by those researchers somewhat more recently and I'll share that with you so here's how it goes okay they take people they put them at the bottom of a hill they say estimate the steepness of this hill if you're alone you see the hill is very steep if you have somebody at your side the hill looks less steep the closer you feel to the person in your side the less steep the hill looks and the less tired you get going up the hill and then the same researchers found just as strong a finding when you aren't suffering alone when you reach out to others to get help he'll start to look less steep you know its idea of you know you take a parent or take a child to wherever you're taking them and you start sharing the stress with people it literally changes your blood pressure and your pulse rate and your your cortisol levels in so many different ways and makes all the difference in the world okay so that's that that's that's I think the main stuff I wanted to do in terms of the connection piece over here okay so okay I'll just share with you one other set of studies about the power of being at somebody's somebody saw it okay and it goes like this let's say a spouse is going to have a painful medical procedure or a parent is going to have a painful medical procedure and you sit at their side and you hold their hand so let's say your father your mother going to have a painful medical procedure and you want to be there for them and you hold on to them so you've probably all heard that has a powerful analgesic effect it acts as a painkiller they literally will experience less pain than they do if you're not holding their hand there's something about physical contact that you know leads to everything all kinds of changes that that lead to a reduction of pain now let's say you're holding your mother's hand during painful medical procedures but then because of all the stress that I was talking about before you guys start to fight you're not getting along well and you go through a period of time where you want to kill your mother your mother wants to kill you you're just getting on each other's nerves in the ways that I talked about at the beginning that's normal span to happen but from that point on holding the hand will have absolutely no impact on pain reduction you could hold her hand all you want it's not going to help then you go to a therapist or you go to a good friend who could help you make peace so you're no longer fighting with each other guess what happens analgesic effects starts working again and you're no longer in a place of pain but here's where it gets almost mystical and nobody has figured out how to make sense of this okay in recent studies over the last five to ten years let's say you're holding your mother's hands and she's having that painful medical procedure okay and you're getting along now and she's feeling better but she has no eye contact with you you're sitting in a place she doesn't see you and some researcher asks you raid on a scale of 1 to 10 how much empathy are you feeling for your mother now in her plight of having this painful medical procedure scale of one to ten one a little bit I'm feeling a little bit for her five more so 10 extreme empathy extreme levels of no say Bolam cavero sharing her burden turns out there's a direct linear correlation the more you feel for her the less Payne she will feel they don't know how its communicated because they do all kinds of fancy things to make sure that it can't be communicated in any kind of in any kind of way this is nothing to do with anything other than a felt sense of emotion it doesn't have to do with how much hands being squeezed or or anything that any verbal cue and that's I think there's something to that I think we know it I think when we feel for somebody when we dive in for them when we're there for them in a way that our hearts are bouncing off each other eye to eye heart to heart you know it's it's we're set up in a way that we really can lessen a person's pain that's why we're told right the Talmud tells us that when you visit a person at their sickbed and you're really there for them and connected to them you take away one sixtieth of the illness this new research is showing that there may be a real strong neurobiological to that so that's something you could do and really people I find people don't often don't get how important it is just to be there even if you're not doing anything the power of being at somebody's side let me tell you a story okay let me tell you a story about being at somebody's side okay yeah I'm gonna go for it I'm gonna go for it okay here it goes okay giving a different talk than I would have with the powerpoints which is probably probably better I mean I know it's better but it's it makes sense here goes okay this is a show first story and a story of return right okay we're coming up to Rosh Hashanah we're an L oh we just blew the show for this morning listen to this I'm seeing a little I'm seeing I'm sorry I'm seeing a 17 year old boy he's the child of a major major rusha Shiva major major head of his school like you know one of the superstar top black hat use Shiva's in the world so this kid is royalty in in the Shiva world and he sold us has something like I don't know 1112 younger siblings but he sold us setting this stage and he became a rebel his father was quite demanding his mother demanding his grandparents and the more they demanded of him the more he rebelled and it was turning pretty bad he started dressing in a way that was really problematic he started hanging out with people who were not the kind of people his family won anything at with and he was going from bad to worse and his father asked me to please work with him so I was working with him and he was opening up and he was talking but it wasn't getting better right away and the father and mother became very concerned that he was going to destroy all the younger children at this point the kid wasn't doing drugs but he was dealing drugs because he had to support himself as his parents to cut him off for money he was come a drug dealer in a subtle way he was very smart he knew how to do it but it was life-threatening and the word was getting around the neighborhood stay away from this famous rabbis kid they don't whatever it was just not great for the reputation of the rabbi or the Rebbetzin or or the school so at a certain point the father of this boy the famous Russia Shiva he said he said I I don't think I could have him stay at home anymore he's destroying the whole family it's destroying our marriage he's destroying our family and he goes to his rabbi goes to his rabbi and he says please tell me what to do and rabbi said you know something he's destroying your entire family he's destroying them you have to you have to kick them out of the house I was extremely upset I was worried about the boy literally surviving being kicked out of the house because I knew he was going to now fall into a very very bad crowd even worse than before I was worried about his creditors I was just worried and I was very upset so I called the father up I said I'm telling you we could figure out other ways of protecting your younger children from him but please don't kick him out so he says to sign up to me he says you have to ask my PO sake the rabbi I went to so I said do I have her and the host they said no he can't take him back in he's destroying the whole family so I said do I have permission to go and talk to this PO SEC so I went I went I talked to the PO SEC I remember we killed off a bottle of Diet Pepsi caffeinated because every time for the next five years when I saw this post sakes wife he said you know my husband didn't sleep for the rest of the week because he caffeinated him so badly but we talked and the rabbi this post say was amazing he just listened he listened and listened and listened non-stop listening and after listening non-stop okay he said you know something I was wrong so giant of a man he said I was wrong he said but I'm not ready to have this boy go back home not ready because they think it's a but let's do it little by little let's arrange for him to go to an aunt and uncle who lives in the Midwest for Rosh Hashanah exactly this time of year this happened so I like the idea very much let's get him back into a family setting and you know and then you know because at least he opened up let's let's have a plan so he goes to the uncle and aunt for Russia Shana saris teammate shoe become since my office okay you know to tell me how things went he was back from from the Midwest and he's looking shaken in arms shaking so when this kid shake it I mean something really bad is going on sis doc you gotta help me I don't know what I'm gonna do he said I went to stay with my aunt and uncle now I'm finished with this religion he says look at me you know he had piercings and he had no they he was not looking like a Russia Shiva's son at all okay he said but I felt bad for my aunt and uncle I figured at least let me do them the courtesy of walking to show at the end of diving on Russia tion and walking home with them you know I'll stand back a little bit people will know our connection but let me at least go there I owe them that much so I go to Sheol and I i blew it in terms of knowing how long so on Rosh Hashana takes there were still the 40 less colos 40 less blasts of the chauffeur so I go into the back of the show and the show first starts blowing and with every blast of the shofar I lost it more and more he's like what I was done with this religion with every blast I start crying more and more and by the time chauffer blowing ended I was wailing I was wailing he said doc help me what am I gonna do I thought I was finished and now I see there's this and you know what that's when he started to come back it's when he started to come back this was many years ago about five years ago you get a call from him he's the president of a pretty large shoal okay modern wertha docks show up we can't have everything okay some of my best friends are Modern Orthodox okay it's presidents of a Modern Orthodox shawl okay he has a have Russa with his father three times a week that's why they're hung up every mezuzah in the house the total of a shovel a Volvo saw but I'm a total reconciliation from the connection the power of holding somebody's hand the power of not cutting off we could be angry there's tremendous stress sometimes with being in the sandwich but ultimately lesson of Russia Sharna is the lesson of the call of the chauffeur okay I'm going to end with another show first story with slightly different theme but let me move on we're good here next and final point so we ready let's review what we did so far we did the power at the beginning of knowledge the power of education the chickenpox analogy after we reviewed a little bit what some of the cognitive and emotional normal reactions to being in the middle of the sandwich we talked about that then we talked about the the power and importance of naming the monster I showed you that beautiful pets can okay you will saw that right okay huh clearly it's very clear you see how when you light up the language centers of the brain things look better okay I'll show it again good okay and then we talked about the three o'clock in the morning the way I woke my wife up at three o'clock in the morning the power of being at the bottom of the hill and then the research on volunteering and health and then I told you the very depressing story now I'm going to end with talking about meaning I'm gonna try to do it as quickly as I can okay because ultimately I think it's the most important part it's always a core coping mechanism to know how to view it to know how to inject it with meaning to know how to inject it with meaning here's what dr. salivate taught us about stress reduction dr. salivates the president of Yale University one of the leading universities in the world right dr. solovey before that was head of the psychology department and he did a whole bunch of research dr. solovey showing that when you deal with stress the stress like being in the middle of the sandwich and see it as an engine of growth you see yourself not as a log floating on the river at the mercy of the currents but you see yourself as at a position where you could grow how do you grow by being in the sandwich you grow look what you're doing you're teaching your children and your grandchildren the power of he would have an aim of respecting one another you're modeling for your community kindness you're bringing said into the world you're hopefully developing gratitude this coming weeks parsha is all about we start the parsha with the lesson of gratitude and the more gratitude we have gratitude for what our parents did for us okay and perhaps in keeping with the theme of Russia Shana I'll share with you but one shift inward the rabbi how are shared with with the group at a high lifeline retreat a number of years ago so it's parents of kids with chronic or life-threatening illness and he said there are two ways of looking at your position he says think of the RAM caught in the in the thistle in the bush at the story of a caduceus luck which we read about on Rosh Hashanah think about that that that image so you have this RAM caught there are two ways of viewing that Ram you can see the RAM as stuck or you could see the RAM as positions when you go from stuck to positions and this is exactly what dr. Saliva's said also okay when you go from stuck to position on positions in this stressful situation Chris is what life is all about Solem casa de bunda life is about kindness and giving to others and paying back with gratitude for what our parents did for us in life is about giving to our children and letting them see this because we know that that incredibly important message will be ultimately what will survive us after many many years it's all that really matters it's all that really matters so it's the meaning making and what dr. salah they talked about is post-traumatic growth post-traumatic growth very similar to wear of Yasha bear salivate check would talk about where he talked about going with any stress you could see it as go roll or see it as year you can see yourself as go roll that I'm a loser I have no control over my life it's random I was picked to be a loser or you can see the sea of this is my destiny and dr. Sol of a who as many of you know is what salvation salivates check the president of Yale is a descendant of the brisker dynasty he's also a salivate chef he never knew this but he came up with the exact same insight as his cousin reveal Chabert salivate check did developing from a purely research standpoint the power of go roll the power of yield over girl the power of seeing the growth when you shift what you see in that way it literally is life changing including a study of I think it was a hundred over a hundred million people I forget the exact numbers that came at and leading a medical journal just earlier this year that shows that when people are able to view health challenges through the prism of growth and not see to something to be frightened about okay I'm getting the hook it makes all the difference in the world it actually it's life prolonging you live a longer life just looking I think 146 million people when you're able to just see this lesson it's not a it's not this isn't fluff this is like really this is facts its facts and it's always in our power to do it and our religion is all about it let me end let me end with a let me end with a final story and again I'll just end with a beautiful meddra stew hilum which I always love saying because it's so beautiful that we have to view the stresses of being in the sandwich with the Magnificent words of the Madras chillin that says Aluna fault kilo comp team I never fell down I never would have gotten up illu you shaft Abajo sha lo hiya Orly if I never sat in the darkness I never would have appreciated light that's the core thing and now I'll end with a final show first story and it goes like this my main my main area is trauma my main secular areas with post-traumatic stress and stuff like that so because of that I sometimes am involved in different parts of the world after traumatic events and I spent a couple of weeks in Sri Lanka after that terrible tsunami and I'm of years ago and was there with a couple of fellow Americans working with 40 doctors who were charged with the physical and emotional recovery of the country and an old friend of mine who was sent by eretz yisrael to also help out we reconnected an old friend Jackie Goldman some of you may know her she lived down the block from my parents LA Michelle um on Khafre having a wonderful wonderful person so anyway so we reconnect and she's a brilliant trauma clinician so in the height of the rocket attacks okay in stay roads my wife and I went to have a cup of coffee with her she always has the best stories and I'll end with the final story coming from Jackie she said that there was a period of time there was constant constant rocket fire I know that it's gotten much better constants evident Code Red and there was a Ksyusha new small schooner next to stay roads we're just a little casita boy six years old every time there was a Code Red he'd go running like a madman running all over the place Rockets are flying his mother's running after them he goes into fight-or-flight totally understandable she can't catch him her life's in danger this little boy's life's in danger nothing's working and my friend the therapist nothing was working till finally the mother figured it at she ghost her little six-year-old boy she says you know it's old we're hearing the chauffeur every morning and here's the two lessons of the chauffeur lesson number one is who you Shana machine awesome get up get up Code Red save a dog save a dog we have to act we have to act and the second lesson is emo no keep it sorry we're not we're not alone God is here with us your mother is here to protect you doing her parts okay we're not alone that's the sound of the coal that's the meaning of the coldest chauffeur from that day on every time there was a Code Red big smile would get on the face he'd woke up to his mother hold her hands and calmly walk down to the shelter in plenty of time plenty to what plenty of time you know in seconds but you know but in time and that's I think the bottom line bottom line is this we think about how to deal with the sandwich we always have control over the meaning we make of our stresses and we have to remember that this is why we were created we were created to be there for those who brought life to us we were created to parent our children the ultimate act the lesson that's why we're here sure it's stressful the life Seban stress that I'll just send with one final thought forgive me okay final thought no no okay here here's the final thought because I like this thought it's the thought from I learned from Ramon to show Solomon from Lakewood so he quotes reclaim brisker he quotes the following he says why is it this morning when we said the bierko's - shocker we said the Bravo's right every morning we say these burkas to chakra at the end what's the last one we say bharata hashem el okay new mela he'll um had no sane like yo f KOA thank you God for giving tired people like us strength so rokai mass isn't that strange once we're diving why don't we dive in not to be tired it's fatiguing that was the first symptom we talked about at the beginning of the talk why don't we dive in not to be tired why don't we say burrow Hitoshi shed and lo que no mela alum ha no saint coop like I II what does that make much more sense she says no we don't have a right to the oven for that part of being alive part of being alive it's to be tired part of being alive is to do our best to deal with the challenges that come our way and to transform those challenges into engines of growth okay and that's the Jewish way of looking so maybe we all be so as we go into the new year to be able to meet to meet those challenges and to be able to have the strength to deal with the fatigue thank you everybody questions thoughts comments we know it's going to be about your neighbors you're sitting next to not about you