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Mordechai Schmutter: Fear the Mask
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Humorist, author, and comedian Mordechai Schmutter joined Frumprov online to deliver a hilarious take on how his family is managing the new reality of social isolation.
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Transcript
Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
so um so here's the thing I realize that
a lot of people are you know suffering
right now and you know people like how
do you make jokes
so tonight no I am I don't mean to be
insensitive or anything but there are
people out there who need humor and who
need laughs and you know what they say
laughter is the best medicine is that
true I've always been a big proponent of
that merely guess I can't afford decent
health insurance but I mean it's
laughter the best medicine I don't know
it doesn't hurt on the other hand did
you go to a hospital like that you're
gonna see me doctors tickling their
visions you know could you get to
how are you breaking reps now any better
no they don't tickle the patient's the
medical community tends to fan on that
in fact the medical community tends to
fan of pretty much everything everything
if laughter is the best medicine then
why are doc there's some of the least
funny people you'll ever meet
I mean they're heroes but you visit them
and they were like you need to lose
weight and stop eating things you like
it definitely does work as a medicine
you know it helps people deal with
stress depression social anxiety heart
disease and if you see someone fall and
hurt himself you could laugh and laugh
and it makes you feel better so I
definitely we should promote it more as
a medicine you know get it out there so
more people know how to use it
like we should have commercials sort of
like those other drug commercials where
they introduce some medicine and it's
usually has some weird alien sounding
name like Zola X or Kandahar but they
never say what it's supposed to come
back but apparently if you take the
medicine you can throw a football and
help your spouse across a brook we don't
know exactly what laughter heals either
so if it right in like you could say ask
your doctor about laughter all those
commercials say that like that's my job
now to go to the doctor sister's just he
ran the medicines and I don't even know
what they do you know should be taking
them all to work yeah that sounds good
you'd be able to do magic though if we
did if they did commercials for laughter
I mean of course I have to put in you
know all the warnings you know laughter
is not for everyone
people who hate life should not take
laughter do not take laughter if you're
holding the soup
side effects of laughter includes
learning their breath dizziness
uncomfortable by Stander's we using
spitting out of food watery eyes less
abilities and uncontrollable urination
but the thing is people have to think
before they make jokes because not all
jokes are factually accurate like
there's a famous joke going around that
goes
I used to cuff to cover this end of my
farting now my fart the cover gets down
to my coffin but the thing is that
there's a flaw in this joke because I
just read last night that and this is
true
you can't just spread coronavirus from
breathing and coughing you can also
spread it by farting which is kind of
obvious you know in hindsight that was
bad if if it's inside you it can come in
the matter which direction you come from
an upper cuff or you know a lower cuff
this is a real study real doctor said
this in Australia I don't want to say
down under so if you go ahead for
goodness sakes wear a mask there you
have to just you know figure out how to
get your legs in right but okay so it's
not an issue if you wear clothing
because the layers act as a mask just
make sure that we're clothing there it's
more of an issue that everyone society
is basically stopped wearing pants and
that's why they say if one person in the
house has it probably everyone has it
I'm just saying you know we need to
start farting into our elbows or what's
the area behind the knee the cover gets
don't get a buddy system we should if we
do the six feet thing no hey how'd you
get Karuna while they were standing in
line for the elevator um I'm just saying
this is why they closed all the men's
necklace anyway I actually I actually
have a mask for my face right first they
were like don't bother wearing masks
mess don't do anything and that's
suddenly one day they're like okay
everyone needs masks what changed then
one thing to make sure that doctors got
their masks first before there was a
rush on them that's called flattening
the curve all right so one day my local
grocery says when that can a lot of
people in anymore with that face masks
and I'm like great we don't have any
face masks and they said it but don't
worry we have some available for
purchase in our store
good luck I had to hold my breath and
run in by mass run and then but went on
so I can go back in
food I've learned that for the whole
family actually but we're reusing them
so I told all the kids to put some kind
of identifying marker on them and as the
leader I went first right
so I wrote a T on the inside of mine all
right
I figure it's on the inside no one's
gonna see it right I wrote it in a
sharpie and if you could see it right
Patti and anyway then I put it on and I
realized the Sharpie went through you
can see the Sharpie went through which
deftly inspires confidence in the mask
so when I walk around now ever could see
that my mask says ye tat well not to you
guys look the cameras reflecting it it's
ripping the jug okay but then right
I usually notice that every time I put
it on my glasses fog up and I'm
weathering am I wearing it room though
most doctors have glasses are they
wandering around the hospital's blindly
where the patient scoffs oh I can hear
you
anyway I wear my mask outside a couple
times and then one day I watch my wife
put on her mask and she has glasses too
cuz you know she's Jewish
and I'm like wait that's how you wear
the mask see apparently I've been
wearing mine upside down basically
there's a bending metal piece that's
suppose
that pinch your nose keep it from
fogging up your glasses so the earliest
hand-washing tutorials nothing about
putting on a mask there were no
instructions or anything so anyway now
now I need to wear my mask with a metal
piece on top and the tattoo backwards
and upside down alright
that way people know who they're dealing
with and never in my life been so scared
to cough in public you know no one's
even pretending to coughing every days
we use the cuff to get people's
attention nowadays you can't come if you
have to make that stand where you stick
your finger in your mouth you know that
gang right except without touching your
face and with a mask on my family and I
are trying to make the best of the
situation
you know like their abundance say that
when you dab it on Shabbos morning you
should try to pretend that it's a real
jewel sooner I gather all my kids and
they take turns learning it at that one
for the omelet I'm solely teaching them
are dabbling with how game and what we
say and what we skip right and I passing
on my inability to remember any tunes in
Sheol except for the first ones I
memorized when I was five and then I
Lane animal Commission the old ran
outside to play and my wife pokes her
head outside chased in the back in right
the annoying things that sponsor kiddush
every week every week I surely even has
a name it's in my living room so I was
like how do you say living room in
Hebrew I mean well I am his wife living
so I guess basic I am um so we're gonna
need from from tweet explaining for that
one so so one of my columns that I write
for Hamid II is in his vice column and
someone actually wrote in and asked me
that he said his new Malcolm Kahlua in
his basic I am I mean in his how
straight conflict' sup the one to his
wife uses and it's causing a lot of
tension in their marriage they're
fighting over a mahkum Kahlua it's like
what should I do
I mean I'm a paying member in this show
too you know so I wrote back and it's in
this big time with you that my first
instinct is to tell you that you and
your wife don't both have the diamond at
the same time unfortunately the rabbi's
keep saying that the best time to the
the best time to Devon is the time that
you would normally Devon and if you
would normally go to the same menu
business puts you in a bind right so
first of all you can do what you do in
shul when you have a seat issue take it
up with an one in church
unfortunately that's your wife
another option is that most people do is
they try to beat the other person to
dabbling in the morning so they could
get the despot fair and square
good luck with that at least it gives
you a reason to get out of bed in the
morning
alternatively you could better stand
there there the night before so she
knows it's your spot I'm the best option
the rabbi's say is the diamond of a
second and this is why in case you were
wondering the rabbi's know what they're
talking about anyway this whole thing is
why a lot of men seem to be debiting on
their porch these this um another thing
that I that I mentioned in my in one of
my hem of the articles this week is that
younger couples have stuff finally stops
freaking out about making their first
taste which is nice right never moved on
to freaking out about making the first
move
okay so if you're able to make paste a
truce is easy you don't have to cash or
your house for this I mean putting us
don't have to do that first year but
that's about it
right and anyway you could probably buy
like a schwas box or something and then
a push through his backs right okay but
okay so what would be different this
year for sure us well for one thing a
lot of people are still gonna realize
that they've been consistently counting
your day off for like five weeks um
another difference is that you're gonna
do the all night learning thing in your
own house I guess I means the whole
family's thing up oh it's a shrews night
learning a pyjamas also the truest
nights spread in your house is
definitely going to include an omelet
station this year plus you finally have
another sneak in for once and your
three-year-olds gonna have to say
breakfast a shout-out for everyone
oh so your wife is basically getting
flowers that you pick up on your lawn
most likely ones that are planted by her
or your landlord there's no way the
florist is an essential business at this
point most flowers probably think we
went extinct but that's about it
when does I'm not so worried by Shoeless
what I am worried about everyone doing
on their own the seriously boomer