Mordechai Schmutter: Fear the Mask

so um so here's the thing I realize that a lot of people are you know suffering right now and you know people like how do you make jokes so tonight no I am I don't mean to be insensitive or anything but there are people out there who need humor and who need laughs and you know what they say laughter is the best medicine is that true I've always been a big proponent of that merely guess I can't afford decent health insurance but I mean it's laughter the best medicine I don't know it doesn't hurt on the other hand did you go to a hospital like that you're gonna see me doctors tickling their visions you know could you get to how are you breaking reps now any better no they don't tickle the patient's the medical community tends to fan on that in fact the medical community tends to fan of pretty much everything everything if laughter is the best medicine then why are doc there's some of the least funny people you'll ever meet I mean they're heroes but you visit them and they were like you need to lose weight and stop eating things you like it definitely does work as a medicine you know it helps people deal with stress depression social anxiety heart disease and if you see someone fall and hurt himself you could laugh and laugh and it makes you feel better so I definitely we should promote it more as a medicine you know get it out there so more people know how to use it like we should have commercials sort of like those other drug commercials where they introduce some medicine and it's usually has some weird alien sounding name like Zola X or Kandahar but they never say what it's supposed to come back but apparently if you take the medicine you can throw a football and help your spouse across a brook we don't know exactly what laughter heals either so if it right in like you could say ask your doctor about laughter all those commercials say that like that's my job now to go to the doctor sister's just he ran the medicines and I don't even know what they do you know should be taking them all to work yeah that sounds good you'd be able to do magic though if we did if they did commercials for laughter I mean of course I have to put in you know all the warnings you know laughter is not for everyone people who hate life should not take laughter do not take laughter if you're holding the soup side effects of laughter includes learning their breath dizziness uncomfortable by Stander's we using spitting out of food watery eyes less abilities and uncontrollable urination but the thing is people have to think before they make jokes because not all jokes are factually accurate like there's a famous joke going around that goes I used to cuff to cover this end of my farting now my fart the cover gets down to my coffin but the thing is that there's a flaw in this joke because I just read last night that and this is true you can't just spread coronavirus from breathing and coughing you can also spread it by farting which is kind of obvious you know in hindsight that was bad if if it's inside you it can come in the matter which direction you come from an upper cuff or you know a lower cuff this is a real study real doctor said this in Australia I don't want to say down under so if you go ahead for goodness sakes wear a mask there you have to just you know figure out how to get your legs in right but okay so it's not an issue if you wear clothing because the layers act as a mask just make sure that we're clothing there it's more of an issue that everyone society is basically stopped wearing pants and that's why they say if one person in the house has it probably everyone has it I'm just saying you know we need to start farting into our elbows or what's the area behind the knee the cover gets don't get a buddy system we should if we do the six feet thing no hey how'd you get Karuna while they were standing in line for the elevator um I'm just saying this is why they closed all the men's necklace anyway I actually I actually have a mask for my face right first they were like don't bother wearing masks mess don't do anything and that's suddenly one day they're like okay everyone needs masks what changed then one thing to make sure that doctors got their masks first before there was a rush on them that's called flattening the curve all right so one day my local grocery says when that can a lot of people in anymore with that face masks and I'm like great we don't have any face masks and they said it but don't worry we have some available for purchase in our store good luck I had to hold my breath and run in by mass run and then but went on so I can go back in food I've learned that for the whole family actually but we're reusing them so I told all the kids to put some kind of identifying marker on them and as the leader I went first right so I wrote a T on the inside of mine all right I figure it's on the inside no one's gonna see it right I wrote it in a sharpie and if you could see it right Patti and anyway then I put it on and I realized the Sharpie went through you can see the Sharpie went through which deftly inspires confidence in the mask so when I walk around now ever could see that my mask says ye tat well not to you guys look the cameras reflecting it it's ripping the jug okay but then right I usually notice that every time I put it on my glasses fog up and I'm weathering am I wearing it room though most doctors have glasses are they wandering around the hospital's blindly where the patient scoffs oh I can hear you anyway I wear my mask outside a couple times and then one day I watch my wife put on her mask and she has glasses too cuz you know she's Jewish and I'm like wait that's how you wear the mask see apparently I've been wearing mine upside down basically there's a bending metal piece that's suppose that pinch your nose keep it from fogging up your glasses so the earliest hand-washing tutorials nothing about putting on a mask there were no instructions or anything so anyway now now I need to wear my mask with a metal piece on top and the tattoo backwards and upside down alright that way people know who they're dealing with and never in my life been so scared to cough in public you know no one's even pretending to coughing every days we use the cuff to get people's attention nowadays you can't come if you have to make that stand where you stick your finger in your mouth you know that gang right except without touching your face and with a mask on my family and I are trying to make the best of the situation you know like their abundance say that when you dab it on Shabbos morning you should try to pretend that it's a real jewel sooner I gather all my kids and they take turns learning it at that one for the omelet I'm solely teaching them are dabbling with how game and what we say and what we skip right and I passing on my inability to remember any tunes in Sheol except for the first ones I memorized when I was five and then I Lane animal Commission the old ran outside to play and my wife pokes her head outside chased in the back in right the annoying things that sponsor kiddush every week every week I surely even has a name it's in my living room so I was like how do you say living room in Hebrew I mean well I am his wife living so I guess basic I am um so we're gonna need from from tweet explaining for that one so so one of my columns that I write for Hamid II is in his vice column and someone actually wrote in and asked me that he said his new Malcolm Kahlua in his basic I am I mean in his how straight conflict' sup the one to his wife uses and it's causing a lot of tension in their marriage they're fighting over a mahkum Kahlua it's like what should I do I mean I'm a paying member in this show too you know so I wrote back and it's in this big time with you that my first instinct is to tell you that you and your wife don't both have the diamond at the same time unfortunately the rabbi's keep saying that the best time to the the best time to Devon is the time that you would normally Devon and if you would normally go to the same menu business puts you in a bind right so first of all you can do what you do in shul when you have a seat issue take it up with an one in church unfortunately that's your wife another option is that most people do is they try to beat the other person to dabbling in the morning so they could get the despot fair and square good luck with that at least it gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning alternatively you could better stand there there the night before so she knows it's your spot I'm the best option the rabbi's say is the diamond of a second and this is why in case you were wondering the rabbi's know what they're talking about anyway this whole thing is why a lot of men seem to be debiting on their porch these this um another thing that I that I mentioned in my in one of my hem of the articles this week is that younger couples have stuff finally stops freaking out about making their first taste which is nice right never moved on to freaking out about making the first move okay so if you're able to make paste a truce is easy you don't have to cash or your house for this I mean putting us don't have to do that first year but that's about it right and anyway you could probably buy like a schwas box or something and then a push through his backs right okay but okay so what would be different this year for sure us well for one thing a lot of people are still gonna realize that they've been consistently counting your day off for like five weeks um another difference is that you're gonna do the all night learning thing in your own house I guess I means the whole family's thing up oh it's a shrews night learning a pyjamas also the truest nights spread in your house is definitely going to include an omelet station this year plus you finally have another sneak in for once and your three-year-olds gonna have to say breakfast a shout-out for everyone oh so your wife is basically getting flowers that you pick up on your lawn most likely ones that are planted by her or your landlord there's no way the florist is an essential business at this point most flowers probably think we went extinct but that's about it when does I'm not so worried by Shoeless what I am worried about everyone doing on their own the seriously boomer