Good Vibes Eps 6. Intention, Boundaries, and Emunah: Balancing Family and Spiritual Growth

[music] Welcome to Good Vibes, [music] the podcast that brings the timeless beauty of Asia Kyle into the rhythm of real life. Each week, we unpack one puzz, [music] but as a spark for honest conversations, refreshing insights, and a little tower light you can carry [music] with you. Because meeting shouldn't feel heavy. And connection doesn't have to wait for quiet. This is good vibes for the Jewish woman who's doing a lot and still reaching deeper. Hello everyone and welcome to the good vibes podcast. Today we're going to take a look at puskv. From there we will init learn a more surface level lesson as well as a deeper lesson on this topic. States Sheriff Leesa Larosa. This translates loosely to she rises while it is still night and supplies provisions for her household and another portion for her children or her maids. Different mafarian define it different ways. At face value, we see that the Asia Kyle wakes up before it gets busy and takes care of her family. She takes care of her husband, takes care of her children, takes care of her home as a whole, and she arises early to do so. So that's really like the phat of this puzz. I want to delve more into what this and what this like direct translation can teach us and we're going to touch on a deeper level as well. So luckily to enlighten us on this puzz we have Mrs. Shane Gross. And Mrs. Gross with over 30 years in education as a classroom teacher and a high school principal. Mrs. Gross has dedicated her career to inspiring and empowering women. She's the founder of Tahila, Torah Education with Heart in LA, a vibrant learning platform offering Torah classes to women of all ages, both in person and online. Her classes focus on self-development, personal growth, and building meaningful connections. In addition, Mrs. Gross is the founder of HeadtoHeart, a coaching practice for singles and couples seeking guidance in dating, relationships, marriage, and intimacy. As a kala teacher for over 25 years, she combines her passion for education with her commitment to strengthening relationships and supporting women in every stage of life. To extend her reach, Mrs. Gross hosts two podcasts, Teahila Torah and Head to Heart, available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, offering listeners to the opportunity to continue their growth journey wherever they are. Welcome, Mrs. Gross. Thank you so much for being here. It's so exciting to be here. It's actually an honor. You and I go back a long way. So, it's exciting to be learning Torah together with you. So, to enlighten us a little bit on what makes Aisha very exciting for me as a Torah teacher, as a coach, as someone who's always looking to empower women, to empower couples, is that really what ASA is, it's the written Torah version of what the optimal Jewish woman should be. It's if we women want to think to ourselves like what are we aspiring for? What are we reaching for? What's the optimal that we could be? Ask Kyle sort of really presents us with that. And one of my favorites to use is rabbits and helers on more precious than pearls. And she talks about this particular puk and she notes that when it says one of the ways that the mafaram look at this is that this is pointing out to us that the ishas is not lazy that she's willing to rise before dawn. And the other idea that we can extract from here is that she gives to all those important people in her life, whether they're employed by her or whether they are related to her and very dear to her heart based on their individual needs, who they are and what their needs are psychologically, physically. So I'd love to take a look at those two ideas. You know, zus is a tremendous mida that ourim always talk about and the is being praised for trying to tap into that being able to wake up a few minutes earlier when we need to. So for most of us women it's often the morning that calls us calls upon our zosas the most. So we'll focus on the morning hours. >> It may be that uh I was thinking you know a shabas afternoon nap. You know, I mean, there's a lot of ways that we women can wake up earlier, but let's focus on the morning. It can make all the difference when you give yourself those extra few minutes in the morning. And sometimes those are the hardest times to give that to yourself and to your family. But the calmer atmosphere that then is created really allows family members to face the day with a better self-image. Because without that chaos and that morning stress which often creates a sense of frustration, maybe siblings are fighting more, mommy, daddy are raising their voices, whatever's going on. You know, it's often not the best way to arm yourself for the challenges of the day. You know, I remember talking with a parenting coach and she saying that type of morning stress. You drop off your kids and you're like, I love you. And then you like drive away with that really awful feeling in your heart cuz you're like I love them but this didn't feel loving at all. Right? So the fact that the asyle gets up those 10 minutes earlier is really something that she's praised for. She's being praised for her foresight. She's also being praised for that discipline. Something that is very hard for even us adults, even those of us who are very driven to muster that. And especially if you're not a morning person or especially if your work or your life tasks keep you up late the night before you're folding laundry frantically, you're finishing, you know, Shabas cooking, >> you're waking up for children at night. >> Exactly. Not hour after hour with a nursing baby or a screaming kid or a throwing up kid or who knows what else, you know. So the first thing in this pock that we could take note of is this is something that the ish is being praised for and it's something that we could try to see which part of this is practical and adaptable to our lives. We never want to let perfect be the evil of the good. So we're never looking for perfect but what could we implement? You know could we just do a few minutes earlier? And if we can't could we focus on the con and keeping out the stress and really thinking about that. And the second thing that the Asia Kyle is being noted here for is this individual treatment. The way she looks at husband, children, relatives, those close to her, right? Meaning that there's different lonos in the puzz meaning it doesn't just say basa or it doesn't just say and the far speak out the different ways to interpret that. >> Exactly. The praise of the asyle seems to be here another very beautiful quality that we women can tap into and that is that it's relationships are not a one-sizefits-all >> and so the way the pusk sort of explains this to us is with a very interesting lushum the pusk says the family members can go into the pantry and tear off the food they want they could take whatever they want whatever they would like there's no formality or restrictions because that's how it should feel when this is your home and you are a family member. The employees, right? Let's just in this case scenario paint a facicious scenario where she has her business in the basement. So the employees have a different status. Maybe there's a special place where they can go, but they wouldn't come up and go into the main family, you know, kitchen pantry. The employed people in her life, say the mafarim, they're told from the beginning what they're going to be paid. There is a formality and rightfully so. It's more of a businesslike relationship. So the asyle is being praised of having the sensitivity to grasp that people and situations are different and they require different treatments. It's fascinating. That's what makes Kyle such an unbelievably incredible limud. There's so much to learn from and so much to be empowered by. And as a parent bar hasham and a grandparent, I see two very important concepts that we can extract from this that I believe can be helpful to us as women. One is really seeing yourself, your spouse, your children for who you and they are and not trying to wish and push for them to be what they aren't. really a a tremendous level of acceptance and not comparing them to another or someone else in your life that you wish they could be more like. It's the celebration of the individual that's extremely empowering and it really applies to ourselves too, right? I think the comparison is social media today is a killer for, you know, everybody whether you're exposed directly to social media or you're not. you're influenced by this culture of comparison that could be really very draining. Sometimes it could even be dis you know destructive. So a lot of times women will say well how can I make sure that I don't compare? How can I really accept my child or my husband for who they are? And I always laugh and say there's no magic pill. I wish I could just say do these three things or swallow this vitamin in the morning and you are good to go. But the truth is, it's wanting to that brings you to it. There's no real way to fake that. It's recognizing that it is such an important quality and it is so empowering for husbands and children that should push and encourage and motivate women to reach for that. You know what I'm saying? But it really does require internal work, >> right? Meaning I of course it's internal and of course there's no magic pill but maybe you can walk us through a scenario of a thought popping up and how you can speak to you know self-sp speak to help yourself get from one place to the next. Yeah sure 100%. The best way that we build confidence and self-worth and self you know concept in our children you know and the trust we build in our deepest relationships our spouses and other relationships that are very meaningful is this acceptance of the self and the self-t talk would be I think seeing the good in that person. So sometimes when we compare a husband we compare a child we compare a scenario. So something that I recently said at a talk that I gave to a group of moms is one very practical advice I could give is surround yourself with people who encourage your positive >> self-t talk. >> Don't hang out with neighbors, friends to the best of your ability that encourage your negative comparison. Put down your spouse and put down your children. We sometimes don't realize how strong those voices live in our head. But an encouraging friend, an encouraging sibling, someone who sees the positive, and I'm not talking about a happy dancing clown, that isn't realistic, >> but you know what I mean, right? like sometimes. So when you surround yourself with people who naturally want to have an ayen tova, then you're going to also be able to strive for that versus when you have someone saying, "Really? Your husband does that? Well, my husband never does that." When you're exposed to that enough times, that's a very negative voice. That's a very hard thing. It starts to make you doubt yourself, right? But when you surround yourself with people who understand that husbands and children aren't perfect. So there's a there there's that dynamic. I also think you do sometimes need to get support around your relationships and especially with your parenting. Children are very challenging when they get older, the teenage ages for sure, but even the younger ages, they exhibit a lot of behaviors that are hard to understand. And I think when you can get support around that and you can start to see, you know, and really work with them and see those behaviors improve, I think it can also give you a lot of Does this make sense? >> I really like that. I think that it's something that we don't even often think about that some friends are probably more positive. You know, when we're younger, when we're in elementary school, our parents might tell us, you know, when you hang out with so this friend might, you know, encourage you to continue in the right path or whatever whichever way a parent may phrase it. But as we get older, I think sometimes we forget that it doesn't actually change. It just presents itself in different ways. And I think that for myself, I can definitely think of friends that are extremely encouraging and extremely supportive. And as opposed to people that are in my life that might not be and the feeling that you get and that you're continuous of Hashem, whether it's between you and Hashem or you and your husband and you and your children, you and the community, it it really has an effect. And I'm so grateful that you brought up that point. It's something like to me that I'm just thinking about now. >> I'm so glad that it resonated because I think it's a very powerful piece that we sometimes forget about. And I would just add sort of to conclude that piece that another practical application is recognizing that your child is on their journey. And even you and your husband, you're on a journey of life. So looking for the positive in them and seeing the positive and promoting the positive often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And it's challenging because there are also a lot of challenges that come along. So when you're determined to sort of keep working on these relationships, they do ultimately become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The hardest part in life is to stick with your goal. That's one of the hardest things, right? You know, so what we're basically saying about this first concept is that is that because the members of her family had she has a very individual relationship with them and she recognizes that close relationships need individualized attention. I was extracting two very important ideas and we just concluded this idea which is seeing people for who they are is very individual and very empowering and that's how this concept connects to when we can look at an employee when we can look at a child when we can look at a spouse we can see who they are as individuals I often say when I consult for high schools People are always cracking down on employees and wishing they were like this and wishing they were like that. But I always say there's a limit. Sometimes you just have to accept a person for how they are. You have to accept their strengths and recognize their actionable parts. And it's the exact same thing in our families. And so the second idea of this very individualized concept in terms of seeing people as individuals and the idea of the employee and the personal relationship. I also see this as the asyle having something very clear and that is the concept of boundaries. Boundaries in relationships is also a very special and important thing. Everybody benefits. When boundaries are blurred, everybody struggles and suffers sort of everybody loses out. And the people who lose out the most from blurred boundaries are the people we care about the most. So if we have a blurred boundary at work, the people we care about the most in our work environment, they struggle the most. >> And if we have a blurred boundary between work and home, then that's also we're going to see that. Something that I noticed in my own life is throughout all the years of raising my family until today there are always incredible students and you know clients and communal events and opportunities in my own and my husband's life in some capacity or another. And I remember many years ago one of my students asked me when my family was still much younger. They said do your children resent us? you know, because as a teacher and as a community person, I spent a lot of time with them and I clarified and I said, "Barashem, they don't." So, firstly, shout out to my husband and my children. They get a lot of credit for their support. >> They really do. And I I definitely I would be remiss if I didn't say that. But one piece that I believe I focus tremendously on is this idea of boundaries. I would make sure to the best of my human ability, remember, perfect is the evil of the good. So, we're not saying perfect. We're not saying always. We're not saying never. But to the best of my ability to never put a student's needs ahead of my own children or my husband's needs, there were extenduating circumstances. And even today, when I'm running classes for adults, you know, I'm no longer in a formalized school setting, but I'm still teaching in a different capacity and I have clients and I run my own coaching practice. I'll really try my best to revolve and make sure that my work life revolves around my family life, that family always comes first. And I think in addition to always knowing where our boundaries are and that our family comes first is also that the people we love most deserve the best of us. You know, we don't want to be that we give the best of ourselves away, right? you know, our best waking hours, our best creativity, our best patience, our best level of, you know, strength and capacity and interest, etc., you know, and the people closest to us don't get that because when they do, then they really know how close they are. And I also think that then children and husbands could have patience sometimes when we're not at our optimal or when we have to ask them to wait because we have a meeting or something else that we're taking care of. You know, when their needs are truly met, when their relationship with us is not invisible and it's clear, I think that is what the Asia Kyle achieves. That's what I believe that we're being taught here. She knows who's an employee and who's a close relative and who lives in the home and who deserves to know that and to feel that. You know, someone once told me, she's a school psychologist, today she's a principal, but she once told me that she worked with a top therapist here in Los Angeles. And she said the way that woman when whenever they had meetings and for whatever reason it was appropriate. Obviously she'd never do if it wasn't appropriate. She would answer the phone and the way she responded to grandchildren or to children who called. She said it was a life lesson for her. Right? That's exactly what the Asia Kyle does. The Aishas Kyle knows that here she's surrounding by her co-therapists and she's warm with them. This was a very warm relationship. But when children and grandchildren called she was a different person. And I know years and years ago when I was still doing bach mitzvah lessons so this is back in the day like I'm not doing it now for close over 20 years someone I was and I used to go to children's homes when I did this and I got very close to parents and their children and one woman said to me what you sounded like when you answered the phone for your husband was a side of you I didn't get to see it made me really happy. >> That's what I want. I I want to sound different. I want it to be different. I don't want it to sound the same when I talk to him and I talk to everybody else. Rabbd Miller said that sometimes, you know, husbands and wives speak to each other in a way that they would never speak to anybody else, right? And we don't we want that to be for the chevak, not for the you know. >> So those are my thoughts on the shot of this beautiful. If I can add, I think that up until now in the series, we've discussed a little bit about the Asia Kyle's constantly revolving role and a different hat she wears. And whether you're married without children yet or with children, I think it's I think it's true from the second you get married that you're just constantly wearing different hats. inspire Hashem. And I think it's something that we see how much Hashem trusts us to do this. And I'm so inspired. I'm so taken back thinking about how there are people in our lives and we know this. We know that our number one thing is our husbands and our families and our homes. But I'm taking it to heart that when different people in my life call me, I want to respond accordingly. And that only with those boundaries. Obviously, we're not just saying it's about the phone that you answer. It's just that's, you know, like the tip of the iceberg example, but that it's because of these boundaries that your students were able to look up to you and to have such a close relationship with you and that your children and that your husband because of the boundaries. And I think that sometimes boundaries get I mean, in today's day and age, I think that more and more people know that boundaries are important, but sometimes they still get a bad rep. And I think that this is like almost showing the beauty of it and what happens when boundaries are properly instated and properly and it can take time. It takes effort. But Lameisa, we have so many different people and so many different types and categories of people that we're constantly dealing with. Even the cashiers, you know, are from grocery store or you want to be respectful, you want to say hi, but they are them and they're not your children, they're not your husband. And I think that only when you can behave in different ways can you show true importance and true connection with the people that are most important to you. >> 100%. Rabbi Urich said at a college teacher camp conference this year he said all the halos around kavode for spouses. He says it's almost just semantics for what you're really feeling inside. >> I love that. >> He said if you feel true covid for your spouse. So he says, "Yes, the Torah and the Gumar and different Sparum are giving you specifics. Don't say this, do say that. Treat like this, treat like that." He says, "But really, what is it really? Cabote means that I see you. I see you for who you are. I see you for what you bring to the table. I believe in your intrinsic value. So if you the XM believe in the intrinsic value of your spouse of your bestest friend of your mother of your daughter of your who these your closest people right it comes across because you ask and believe that right >> and that's what the asasyle that's what she has and that's what we're taught to sort of look at and admire in her >> that's so special that's so special I think that I really appreciate that you brought out this idea that the two different lonos A lot of my farm define it as husband and children and you took the path of like family, husband, children and employee which I think again shows how many different aspects of our lives we have and puts a like an emphasis on how the is behaves differently toward each person. And this isn't even talking about sne aspect of the way that you speak to your husband is nowhere near the same way that you speak to the person bagging your groceries. Not even for sure not even touching on the sne aspect of that >> but even just the overall perspective is when you say no to one thing you're saying yes to another thing. >> So is there I wouldn't even say that this is like the shot version because you just gave us so much but is there a deeper version of the pock that you also want to touch on? >> So you know what's interesting is this is why I love love love the teachings of rabbits and heler. I think the level of Torah teaching that she gives us is often very deep, >> but it's so practical and it's so applicable that I'm consistently drawn back to her Torah and her Torah teachings. And she actually says that there is a deeper level to this. and she focuses on the deeper level in the first part of the Puk right until now we've really been focused on the second part which is now Rabbit Heler says on a deeper level we could look at the first part of the which is so really we did that in the beginning we said she wakes up like when it's still not so you know bright and sunny outside and she has the fortitude and the discipline to get up early and we discussed that. But on a deeper level, she says obviously using mafarian, you know, Laya refers to darker, harder times. >> Right. >> Right. It refers to a sense of gullus when the going gets rough. >> And we know bar hashem that we women are blessed to be very strong in our amuna. What does it mean to be a mammon? to the ammon is one sees hashem beneath the surface of everything beyond the current situation and the circumstance presenting itself. I see this with a greater level of hashem in this moment right now because we know that the show of amuna is amain which can be translated as true. >> It could also be translated as so be it. So amuna is I attest that this is true. Amuna also comes from the concept of affirmation. We affirm Hashem's existence. So what we're really saying with the concept of a like when we say amen to Abraa, we're saying true, >> right? But living ama is the affirmation. Each time we live with amuna, it's like saying a main with your being with your action. Each time you face a situation with amuna, what you're really doing is you affirm the existence of akadeshu. And we all know right you and I and everybody listening that this is not easy to do. There are circumstances in our lives, small circumstances like carpool frustration >> and large circumstances like things that present themselves at work and in our relationships that are very challenging. But also explains keel are the rashos of amain. >> So what we're saying when we have amuna what we're saying with that am with that amuna is the raonum is the faithful king. We affirm that hashem is the life force in everything around us. There is no other force in life to reckon with. He is our king. He's the ultimate ruler and controller and he is always faithful and which means we always could depend on him. The raon shalom is consistent. We women are blessed with a kak and have the capacity to see all these three things in our life situations. The force of the raon shalom, the kingship of the raon shalom and the faithfulness of the raon shalom. And we have the capacity to do this more clearly, more definitively in our day-to-day lives than men do. >> And amuna is developed through our dabining. It's developed through studying Torah. And it's also even more developed by the glasses that you wear, the paradigm by which you see life, seeing Hashem in your day-to-day life. And we have this very special kak. The Rambam says that a person would be able to see Hashem if there wasn't such a mitzvah as amuna. If there wasn't such a concept that we were being taught, we would just live life and see the incredible world that Akadesh Baru created. And we would naturally have amuna just by looking at his world. So in a way amuna is a natural organic intrinsic reaction to the amazing world that Hashem lives in. And we women in a certain way connect with that. And the garra says that we could develop amuna just by observing the rain. The rain always falls to the earth that tea that hashem created and the earth always absorbs it. And just seeing this says the garra could also foster amuna and the maharal sees this rain coming down and earth absorbing it as the mushel for the male female relationship. this very famous concept of no sin and makabel >> and he says the men are compared to the rain that falls and women to the earth that absorbs which again is showing us that women have the quality the ability to absorb what they see in a way that men don't see and absorb in the same kind of way and there are many examples in our day-to-day lives when something doesn't work out for you the way you wanted it could be minor frustration more major difficulties. Women have a way of spinning things, you know. But if we just look in the Tanakh, we see in Mitim, the women pushed the men to maintain family life and to continue to build families when it really seemed hopeless. You know, when Amram separated from his wife and all the men did the same, that that wasn't just like a petulant reaction. That was like a serious reaction to like massive torture that Claus was going through. And to think that the women rallied the men and wanted to have families, you know, it was just really incredible. When the Maraglin came back and there was so much crying going on, etc., you know, it was the women who could see beyond these circumstances and say, "It seems really terrible now in the moment, but really we're taking a look sort of at this larger global idea." And this is the special co-ak of women. This is what the Mish is telling us. This is when the as rises and she peers into the darkness. What she's doing is she's relying on her true perception of Hashem. When things look bleak is often when women can be the strongest. Rising, you know, in the dark is a reference to this stronger amuna that women have maintained. And there's so much to say about amuna you know it's such an important topic so this is the main way of why said you know zatal teaches that why will we be zoh and ard from msiach as opposed to greater do before us because of our amuna because we've held on through such a dark gullos so amuna is a topic that is constantly talked about and I sometimes think about you know what can I bring to the table that maybe has a fresh perspective on a topic that has so much to say but people your listeners are wise I'm sure they've learned a lot about amuna you know and so what I decided to circle back to that I think maybe we can take from this puk on a deeper level sort of as a practical application is amuna in our marriages amuna in raising our families and in our life circumstances since we women have an incredible ability to push through when things are darker and harder. You know, there are situations that present themselves that are hard to accept. Acceptance is the most difficult thing for a human being. Psychologically, acceptance is a lot harder than action. We human beings prefer to live in a place of action in pushing for change in do in the doing the being >> the sitting with something the acceptance of something that is much much harder and granted there are times we need to push action is called for change is called for but acceptance is one of the hardest things for people and acceptance the being the sitting with something the holding something is actually the kak of a woman that's her kak of gura because a woman is a vessel she's in the cab and that's what she does and so I thought that in the dark times in the hard times when our closest relationships challenge us women have a capacity to have amuna to sit with what they know and to have the patience and the endurance and the resilience to work with what they're being given. This is real women, real time, real growth, you know. I think we women give a lot of >> Yes. Yes. >> men do too. Not excluding them, but >> Yes. Yes. Yes. >> This is a podcast I think for women. So, >> thank you so much, Mrs. Gross, for joining us. If you would like to connect with Mrs. gross. You can contact her at shandi g s h e i n d y ggmail.com or you can also listen to her podcasts to Heila Torah and Head to Heart. Thank you so much for joining us. Please reach out and email us with any questions or thoughts. We would love to hear from you. Stay tuned for some more good vibes.