Mental Breakdowns Addiction and Fatherhood

hey Rabbi how you doing thank God I'm good how are you doing all right so what's up so uh well all right so I got a one-year-old daughter she's beautiful she's perfect I got a uh three-year-old son he's beautiful he's perfect he's a little speech delayed but he's doing great he's a three-year-old now he's getting a little defiant getting his own personality throwing tantrum for the first time but you know comes with the territory he's a great kid uh I uh the first kid I wasn't really ready I was going through a hard time but I didn't tell my wife and she kind of pressured me and I kind of didn't tell her the truth ended up having a mental breakdown when she was pregnant I relapsed on drugs and alcohol that I've been sober like almost five years and towards the tail end of that uh my wife like wanted me to get better she thought I was going to die maybe all kinds of fears she kind of got me to have another kid with her and uh that was insane and people were like so you get an abortion all this stuff luckily thank God I got sober I've been sober a couple years and like uh again and my life is great and I'm happy healthy I'm a great dad we're happy but for the last like uh eight for a long time my daughter's only one but for a long time she's been bothering me to let's do it again I have a third kid now I'm like whoa like we're finally okay I'm a great dad I did some Financial damage when I was you know doing my thing and now I'm like and I'm like H Do Do I Stand My Ground this time and say like no we shouldn't have a kid or like do I just do it because kids are a blessing and she's a great mom and now I'm a great dad even though I screwed up but what do you think wow so you've been through a lot I mean all of you have been through a lot um yeah saying I me very bad very very bad and now how how long you've been sober now two years about two years uhhuh and quality sobriety you feeling good yeah great I mean I uh I go to uh you know meetings 12ep program every day I help other people with problems I have a sponsor I very active in the community I uh I'm in therapy MH all that stuff so you're taking care of yourself yeah yeah I'm actually happier than I've ever been in my whole life to be honest and that's that's real a real gift because like you're saying uh you did some crazy stuff and you could have lost it all and uh Hashem was very kind to you yeah no by by by a lot of Statistics I could very well or should be Deb yeah or at least not happily married with Children oh certainly not yeah I mean she was do I don't know like what she was really thinking if it was just a threat to get me back or whatever but she was getting the you know restraining order divorce all that I don't know you know if it was actually happening or she just was so desperate for me to get help um but you know she was I know for sure if I kept going on the path she was probably serious yeah she had no reason not to be when you were an act of addiction there's exactly there's no reason not to be so I don't think it was just a threat I don't think it was a like a tactic I think when you were an act of addiction that you really probably couldn't be around and it was uh yeah it was a safety issue but thank God you're telling me no sure you're sober for two years and you're active in your sobriety and you're working daily on your sobriety so that's that's beautiful that's really wonderful to hear that cuz like you say statistically you're you're in the minority that unfortunately that's not the typical way this this story ends so what's the real c yeah I've been around five I've been around five overdose deaths in less than two two years friends uh friends and connections and people I used with and all that stuff yeah wow so guys are buying from the same places you were buying and they're dead not necessarily but you know similar circumstan ances some yes some no uh fting all overdoses heart attacks uh car accidents M murders um all that stuff uhhuh not necessarily overdoses but the whole lifestyle leads to various yeah most mostly overdoses but the heart attack wasn't overdose so yeah the whole lifestyle it's all the same to me you know if you're if you're an alcoholic and and you drive off a cliff I consider that kind of like an overdose you know yeah that's right okay so at any rate thank God you are sober today and you are actively and I'm repeating this for the third time actively working in your sobriety and the reason I'm saying this so the people listening can understand the conversation that we're having is that if somebody just tells me they happen to be sober and they don't know why they're sober then it's just luck so to speak and I don't know when their luck is going to run out but when somebody tells me that they're in recovery and they know why they're sober today because they know what they did to work for that sub today then I'm fairly confident when they tell me that as long as I continue doing the things that keep me sober then by the grace of God I will continue to be sober and then I tend to believe people obviously people have free will and they could stop doing the things that keep them sober in which case their odds are not very good but you know uh we could all uh decide to just you know drive your car off a cliff God forbid so everyone has free will but when when somebody is in recovery and they take the recovery super seriously then I think that uh should count for a lot at any rate um so the real question is that your wife wants to have a baby yep a third third yeah and you're not sure about it yeah I'm just like well what I said to her is um I said you know I'm loving being a dad it's actually part it's a little bit of part of what's saving my life and I love it and I'm a great dad but I said bab why don't we just have a baby in a couple years we're a little more stable you know yada yada yada and she's like no you know I need them to be two years apart for work and for the things in the baby books and I want to do everything together and this is my plan she's very taip also she she makes like a lot of money she's a very high ranking corporate officer um so she's like you know the money's not a problem even though I got my own money issues but we keep our money separate with a whole thing but uh you know so she's just like you know I should get to decide because you screwed up your life so it should be my decision and I'm kind of like it's a team thing you know baby's gonna be here 18 years it's not like painting a house you know I know look generally the way that we view children is that uh children are a blessing and therefore whenever God is ready to give that blessing we should be grateful for it it there are plenty of people who want to have children and they can't do it they're trying everything they can and they just aren't able to receive that blessing and therefore people who are able to have children generally our approach is that we don't refuse that gift so I understand that there are extenuating circumstances and yes in Jewish law the idea of birth control does exist and I am certainly not going to speak about it here on this show for one reason which is that this is something that should be discussed with your personal Rabbi who knows you and your circumstances and certainly there are dispensations for birth control it does exist um but I don't want to you know I'm in this public forum I'm not going to go into it but but I just want to say the general approach is that we view a child as a blessing and we don't say no to a blessing so I'll tell you this also if and this is this is sexist I'm going to admit that it's sexist if this would be reversed if the genders would be reversed and a woman would call me and say to me the woman would say you know I've got two years sober I'm getting my life back together things are finally stabilizing my husband wants me to get pregnant and I'm not sure I'm ready I would I think I would I would respond differently than I'm responding now I would be like makes sense understand makes sense you know because it's like at the end of the day she's the one who actually has to do it like she's the one has to carry this pregnancy so you know the yeah right okay so it's understood why if a if a woman didn't feel ready I think I would be like okay if you're not ready you're not ready speak to your Rabbi and uh you know make sure that you're doing it uh in the most kosher fashion but if you're not ready you're not ready but when the genders are reversed and you're saying your wife's saying she's ready and you're not sure you're ready I'm not dismissing your feeling I'm not saying it's unimportant but what I'm saying is her Readiness is probably more significant than your doubt yeah does that make sense I guess I no totally totally makes sense I guess it's just at a whole like I I know the burden is totally on her for the for the pregnancy and then also for the first like you know beginning of the child's life when it's breastfeeding when it's up all night when it needs its mother's nurturing but then you know I guess I just have I guess you know it's more about you know I just I just want to be there and be a good dad I don't want to screw any kid up I want to be responsible you know but then I look you know I look at some of my friends you know I have Orthodox friends a guy he's got seven kids he's happy his life's chaotic but he's like whatever it wouldn't Happ another way I got other friends who are now sober no I got friends who kids lives were screwed up when their parents were using luckily I stopped using when my son was 14 months old my daughter wasn't even born yet their kids saw them and now you I don't know I just you know I worry I want to be I want to do the right thing that's all I'm trying to do I guess a little selfish because I want to take care of myself too but you know so what what you're expressing right now is really a very Universal fear which we all have you know I have a parenting course it's a six week online parenting course which I offer it's a live course so it's not pre-recorded so it's not like you can just go download it from somewhere right now I do it maybe once or twice a year um not sure when I'm going to do it again probably I'll do it again soon in fact I'll tell you what if you email us you have our email so just email the office info@ words.org and remind them to get you a free um a free enrollment to the next time we do the parenting course because I want to give that to you as my gift but in my parenting course the very first class one of the very first things that I talk about is the universal Fe fear that we all have that we're going to mess this up and mess our kids up God forbid and that we just can't handle this so what I want to tell you is that's a universal fear not just people who are in recovery um but that's a fear that we can overcome and we overcome it by realizing that there's a partner and that that's Hashem and that ultimately it's not about our ability because we're finite it's about hashem's ability who is infinite and it's a leap of faith but it's not just a leap of faith to have another kid it's even a leap of faith to have the first kid to have any kid to take responsibility for a human being at all is a leap of faith and that's what I think is that maybe you need to just take that leap of faith but again could you send me an email and just mention the parenting course and we'll send you yeah we'll make sure to get you enrolled for free the next time we run the course yeah thank you Raba that's really kind of you and uh you know definitely I don't call my higher power Hashem you know I just well I guess I don't know what it is I but it's something it is the same idea you're talking about I mean I'm in the care of something greater than myself I don't fully understand but know that's been you know one of the most important things that gotten me sober and uh but I can kind of see how that works the way with the kids and and then also it's really cool too you know got to tell you one of the things I've enjoyed most about being a dad is not on a daily basis I get to try to make different choices than my dad made I mean he he beat he beat me up pretty bad and you know I've never laid a hand on either of my kids and uh you know it's such a beautiful thing to to uh you know have a different way and try to break the cycle and uh be sober and uh you know so yeah I can talk to my wife about it you know I think she's kind of funny you know I was like hey I'm I what if I talk to a rabbi she's like yeah make it a make it a a religious Rabbi he'll tell you I have the baby tell her tell her she was right yeah yeah yeah she's like she's like go to go Toad and talk to talk to those people like yeah she knows how to pick them all right Rabbi yeah awesome thank you so much Rabbi I appreciate your time if you ever if you ever want uh you know if you ever want anybody to uh you know talk on some conversation about uh addiction and and and Hashem and addiction and then and what it's like for somebody to go from like really dark you know Insanity to like uh you know that change let me know I'd be I'd be happy to help out you know I talk I go talk to places I just got accepted into a masters in addiction psychology uh program which is pretty cool so amazing yeah let me no amazing where are you based geographically where are you I'm in Gren Connecticut on the border of Westchester oh so you're in the trate area Okay amazing yeah yeah you're all right Rabbi well thank you so much man have a great night absolutely okay remember to send us the email and I'll get you the uh coupon code to sign up for the parenting course I will I will thank you again my pleasure okay