Marriage: Build a Family - Rabbi David Orlofsky

[Music] [Applause] [Music] how at a CH bras once and finding a good Chev bras speaker is a rarity you know some you get one of these guys who wants to give a long pill pull to the one RV who's sitting there well everybody else is spacing out he goes on for like 25 minutes and the RV is nodding he doesn't know what he's saying either but he's just nodding along you know well people come and say all kinds of things so this guy gets up once and he says I came to the and someone asked me are you from the side of the K or the kala and I said neither I'm from the opposition because I oppose this well that certainly got everyone's attention and he meant it he says I thought this was a terrible idea you know and I advise each one of them that they should break it off you know when he reached the end he decided it was a good idea after all but um I want you to understand this this is extremely important it's all over the world is over everything that you know no longer applies and I I will prove this to in a simple way if if you want to read a horrible book there are three books in the series each one more horrible perhaps than the one before yeah it's by a guy named David Peltzer who is one of the worst child abuse cases in America the first one is called A Child Called It the second one is called Lost Boy the third one is called Man Named Dave and his mother gassed him stabbed him starved him beat him you know what she didn't do to this kid burnt him and in the third book he has his own teenage kid and and the teenager says Dad why did you let her do this to you now you have to understand this kid is younger than me and he said because when I was growing up there was one thing a child never said to a parent you never said no when my parents told me something it wasn't an option to say no of course you never said no you did whatever they told you cuz they were your parents that was understood you know if they weren't looking you could Mumble under your breath what were you saying nothing but you did it cuz that's what it was you did whatever you were supposed to do today I could tell my kids something and they look at me say no I was like what no I'm not going to and if you don't like it you can throw me out I've got places to go and all the was to they say oh it's very true you know can't say anything to your kids so now my kids mouth off to me and I still Mumble to myself when they're not looking you know otherwise they say what' you say no I stopped talking in my house years ago I walk in now you know I could walk into the room and one of my kids says what I said I didn't say anything I saw you looking so I walk so all of you read any saer is all based on the following principle there are the parents and there are the children and the parents tell the children what to do and the children do it that's gone so now every book on is worthless because the assumptions of which society was based upon are gone yeah and in general everything that Society is based upon no longer exists now when it comes to marriage it is completely obvious okay I will quote the line from uh my friend Dr and learn he's a psychiatrist he's a friend of mine it's not professional it's just we're just friends anyway so he said to me when I told my father I was going to become a psychiatrist he said if you're going to spend all that time ready why don't you become a real doctor so he says because I think I help people he says people are going to pay you for this says yeah he says when I was growing up people were too busy making a living to be crazy and that's what it was people were too busy trying to build a world my parents generation which is for most of you your grandparents generation you know my father was born in 1925 my mother 1928 you know my father lived through the depression he dropped out of school to be able to help support his family because there was no food to eat he had to teach himself English because his his father never learned English he spoke yish his whole life and you built a business and you built a home and you got married and you took care of your kids cuz that's what you were supposed to do and everybody got married cuz everybody got married and you built your home and nobody was perfect my father compared to my father I'm a saint but my kids are sure that I should be taken away by Social Services you know what I mean CU I looked at them the wrong way you know what I mean my father's only educational technique was to take off his belt and beat me that was that was called back then you know and uh you know that was all he knew cuz his father was a real tough guy he wasn't like my dad he my was pretty easygo but uh you know but there was there was this attitude of you have to do what you have to do you know and I had chores when I was growing up not because we made a list and there were chores and if you did your chores you'd get an allowance and then you could save up and you could buy something with it you did chores because you were part of the family and everybody in the family had to do chores and everybody worked together today the cleaning girl comes the teenagers all sitting on the couch with their phones and she's like uh could you move so I could could vacuum here and they're like you know okay fine you know because nobody feels an obligation that's why when that's why there's a billion doll pesak Hotel industry you know because my parents made pesak everybody I knew when I was growing up made pesak you cleaned up the house and you bought food and you cooked it and you served it you made a s and now was called PES and everybody made P today P am I going to make PES the clean in the house after to BU for the let's go away we could take the whole family away for only $35,000 and besides I deserve a vacation I'm so exhaustive for having to get off the couch you know I'm getting a crle tunnel from all the texting you know so there's there's no assumptions all the assumptions that Society has been based on that you get married and you build a home and you take care of your children have you ever heard a mother say this I've heard her mother say this I can't deal with these kids could you get them away from me just leave me alone I can't handle this you know you're driving me crazy I just want some time for myself can you my mother never had any time for herself it wasn't even it wasn't even a value everybody was on top of each other you know and I I went to a relative who had brought me in for a Sim and he had uh four kids and each one had their own room and me and my wife had to sleep on the pullout bed in the living room in the middle of everything because no kid could move into another kid's room you know Phil Zach says when we lived in Roden we had only one room and there was room for everybody and and Company and everybody came to say we had one room that was the whole house so we moved to a Lakewood to a two-bedroom apartment there was no room for me I had to sleep in Yeshiva you know what I mean because now we have two bedrooms so there's no room for you you know when there was one room there's room for you but that's it nobody why should I so now these people get married and if we get married make it clear we're only getting married for me and if it works for me and I'm willing to share with you as much as I have to to get what I want that's why they'll tell you the most important thing in marriage today is good communication so you can communicate your needs to make sure that you're getting your needs met because I don't feel like I'm getting my needs met I'm giving and why is it my problem why do I have to do this let's face it the death of marriage is fantasy it's all fantasy now I'm going to tell you something that my wife hates she always hated it I read this in the Jewish press like 20 years ago and I said it over a speech my wife hated it and she repeats every year how much she hates it and I always use it because uh many of my decisions in life have been based on Annoying my wife but uh that's because you know I I had to do chores you know I was one of six boys we had no gender appropriate jobs you know so I wasn't considered intelligent enough to go into the business you know so I would do the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry my wife was raised to be an intellectual she just had to study and get hundreds you know if I my my mother would come and say what are you wasting your time studying why aren't you cleaning the kitchen you know so uh just shows your opposes ATT track so uh so you know so uh this guy wrote a thing and he says it's very interesting he says a person comes home you know and uh his wife you know was wearing you know the ratty robe and the fuzzy slippers you know no makeup the snood pulled over her head you know like one of the seven dwarfs you know it's got the coffee cup got the stature then they ready ready to go out and the team of professional comes they do a makeup and a hair and her nails and and now she's ready but he's not looking at her cuz every other wife is also all dressed up so he's like wow everybody's got some good going over here and my schlump okay she got dressed up tonight but usually she like a schlump but everybody else goes home looks like like a schlump also he says because we have It reversed we dress for out there instead of for in here so then everybody looks at everybody else and I think it's a fantasy but it's not only that right yon takes out the garbage I see him every day taking out the garbage why don't you take out the garbage I don't know schy he's in the park every shop is with his kids you're sleeping why don't you take your kids to the park you know oh look Ry I saw him in the supermarket he was doing the whole shopping and he was bringing everything back into the house you don't do the shopping you know have you ever seen this a couple that's married for like 25 years and they're like the perfect family and then they get divorced you know and you're like wow what happened oh he was great he took the kids to the park you know and I went shopping and then he came home and molested them you know what I mean we forgot to mention that part you know what I mean you don't know what's going on behind closed doors nobody's perfect my wife got the last one and every Guy believes that by the way my father went bankrupt just around when I was born my mother said each child brings their own luck but um he was sitting at the table he bought all the old racing forms and he was trying to figure out a a system to to to win at the horses you know and this went on for a few days and my mother said to him listen you got five kids now you got to support the family you can't just sit home said I can't do it says then I'll go with you and she went with my father mother every day from that point onwards you know I only saw my mother at night she parented long distance you know you know somebody would call up and say momy hit me put him on the phone I'm going to kill you when I get home you stay you know and that was it and we and we had to to a certain you know my my younger brother always says I was a latchkey kid I had to come home and raise myself and you know yeah because my father was falling apart my mother said what am I going to do we have to earn a living I think that's what Ivan learner's dad meant when he said we were busy just taking care of everything unfortunately for many of the people in this room you were raised by my generation we never grew up we didn't have to things weren't so desperate for us our parents took care of us when we got married and got divorced we moved back in with our parents we left our children there so we could go out do what we wanted because we couldn't handle these kids because we can't handle pesak we can't handle making shabas we can't handle anything because everything is too much for us and so we raised a generation of kids who don't feel any obligation whatsoever but there's no way to get married unless you look at it as a sense of obligation it's not about [Music] me and that's why people are getting divorce so quickly because they walk into a marriage and it's like whoa I know and this is the phrase I hear all the time when I talk to these young couples where they're getting div voice I don't need this I don't have to put up with this one girl said to me you know how many guys I went out with you know what I could have had you know I don't have to take this I don't need this you know and and instead of saying listen we have to make this work we have to work together you know so was my father a difficult guy sure he was he gave me marriage advice once when I was married because he hated wasting you know he grew up in the depression you know food was a so my mother would make a brisket for shabas and nobody in my house would eat leftovers you know God forbid so uh she'd be left with a half a brisket first cut brisket that's expensive you know so she would wrap it in two bags instead of the bottom of the garbage bag and he would tell me go she would tell me hide it in the bottom of the trash bin you know and uh I was doing this for years every week and so my father's talking to me he says listen your mother she's so loyal she's so good you know listen I'm not the easiest guy in the world you know she's so good to me but she wastes gets me crazy you know she wraps it up and hides in the bottom of the garbage can things I don't see it but I find it every time you know see you make it work nobody's perfect you make it work this is worth getting divorced over but the answer is because there's one question in dating that nobody asked and there is no answer to this question and that's the following you go out with a nice girl nice girl go with a nice guy you know and everything's more or less there he's not perfect she's not perfect Nobody's Perfect it's pretty good looks pretty good but how do I know the next person I go out with won't be B there is no answer to that question so you you drop number two and number nine is not as good as number two but it's pretty solid pretty good not you know I I should at least be able to find number two so number 27 you know it's okay you know anyway by the time you're in the old age home you know you meet the Widow Mrs Brown you know in the next thing you know in her walker you know well you know she's okay you know like but how do I know the next Widow find created the Heaven and Earth how hard is splitting a sea that's a big deal I'll tell you what's hard about it because he says to B Israel go into the sea and they're like but it's a sea no it looks like a sea but you go in and you have faith and so nakan says I have faith they said go ahead nakan we're right behind you and the is up to his waist and he says I have faith and he says go ahead and action you're doing great and it's up to his neck and he says I have faith he said keep going action and it's up to his nose and they say he's dead and then it splits in half and everyone says I knew it all the time eventually you're going to have to hold your breath and jump in and hope that you don't drown there are no guarantees I'm married to my wife now for 31 years thank you very much much on an anniversary she thanked me for 27 of the happiest years of her life as we're married 31 she said the first four like anyway anyway married 31 years people look at us and think wow what a wonderful couple you know you're so insane ET you know I I'm going to take issue with r tats we have many deep and meaningful conversations whenever we can get away from the kids which is okay not that often but we love to talk very very deep things and by the way I never got a second date from anybody including my wife because I'm too intense I don't know how to make small talk you know how you have to go on a date and make small talk I don't know how I don't know how to tell boring color War breakout stories I don't want to make small talk you know I always talk about deep and important ideas you know that's that's the only thing I know how to do you know so I would go with these people and you know of course I got personality they would set me out with these loud you know crazy girls who are like dancing on the tables you know there was one girl I have to be fair who wanted to go out with me and that was I was very sick and I really couldn't talk she had a great time but um so I'm very intense so with my wife the first date was 11 hours we spent the last hour analyzing the date you know how do you think it was going so uh she was also very intense you know and uh she just thought was this was just too much for her cuz she knows that the next day we would get married so you know so she needed a little time to get used to the idea but um but uh you know we have deep and meaningful conversations you know we're we build things in this world we do things you know it's unbelievable thing and somebody asked me so your wife is for sure your B Sher I said I don't know I don't know she doesn't have a sticker what I supposed to do a check put the bar codes you know I hope she's my bed but I don't know you'll never know how do I know this my I Shar you don't you'll never know and you'll live and have children and grandchildren and die and maybe you married the wrong girl no no see you make do with what you got there comes a point where you have to take a deep breath and hope nobody's perfect and you go into this marriage with the following attitude I'm gonna make this work by hella high water I'm gonna make this marriage work you know the person's not perfect neither am I we'll work on it you know and you don't know I had this guy I was doing marriage counseling the marriage was I never do marriage counseling because I have no qualifications but sometimes that's why people come to me you know but usually people call me and say we've been to three therapists two rabbis and a cabalist and that's it we're on our way to base in the right to get you really can't mess this up you know so in almost every case I was able to save the marriage but you know this one guy I a whole laundry list of complaints and one of them was his house is such a mess his house is a wreck and his house is a mess everything a messy you know I met with him a few times then I had to meet with them at my house and after that he stopped complaining about his wife we set a standard you know cuz that's not what's real important does we much rather be able to have deep and meaningful conversations and you know clean off the dining room table you know what I mean or you know put the cushions back on the dining room chairs which became unscrewed and keep falling off when people were sitting on them you know create its own entertainment value but uh you know a person has to go in there and say okay fine so we're going to work this out so so so she's messy and you know and I'm and I'm and I've got a temper you know what I mean and and you know and you know this great thing with one people come from this family where everybody yells my father always yelled he always denied it says I just talk loud what' you leave this over here for I said I didn't what are you yelling at me for I'm not yelling you're yelling I don't yell I talk loud moay family what they do is you know when they're angry they make little sarcastic comments at each other we never do that we either yell or we hit you know that's how we express our we were six boys you know well five boys of me whatever it was I was like I was the sensitive one who used to sit there and hide in my room and read you know and I didn't like to have Rock fights with the kids down the block you know what I mean you know but uh you know you know and so I would get I would get upset and I would yell and she would stop talking you know and then later she'd make little sarcastic comments and of course that would just get me more upset I'd yell somewhere so we were in this really terrible pattern until we sat down and tried to figure out what's going on here and work to change it because it's just not going to work so okay so does that mean therefore oh we have to get divorced because he has a temper and I I'm passive aggressive and he's passive aggressive and I'm angry and I'm forget about it so you sit down you're working out but it starts from the point of view of responsibility it's not about me it's about us building something in this world so here's the deal my son who had an unpleasant time in the yeshivas because he's too smart they don't know what to do with people who are too smart so some people who are who are very smart also know how to keep their mouth shut my son never mastered that technique obviously takes after his mother and um and so he was having a hard time I took him to see Shapiro and he said to him you're right the Yesa world's a disaster and it's terrible problems and he said a whole bunch of things that I don't think he wants me to repeat in public yeah and so my son said so what do I do and he looked at him and said so what do you do so you don't have a RAB you don't have you don't have you don't become yourself build yourself I don't care society's crazy so society's crazy I told you about my high school I will tell you the number one high school in us it's called kadash that is for the best families the best people and the best kids and the best everybody they go to kadash you know so I meet this guy whose daughter goes to kadash and he says you know where's your daughter I said cook he says why and I told him why and he looked at me and he sighed and he said I wish I had the courage to send my daughter there but I could get her into kadash so why wouldn't I send her there I said because it's not the best place for her I know but it's the best school you know how many people I met who don't want to marry the best person they want to make the best sh I see this all the time oh do you know who this is you know where they're from yeah somebody said to me don't you want your daughter to marry the best guy in Kone I said no I want my daughter to marry the guy who's going to be the best husband and father I don't know if she would to leave him you know what I mean if he knows I tell some funny stories I'll get him a couple of gigs but that's about it you know I don't have anything to leave him but but look for what's going to be best for the person my first son-in-law who like my son is sick smart you know so he was upset when we was when he was married already he said to me you didn't really fare me when I came over I said for what I said my daughter has to live with you not me you know if she's happy with you and you I checked into you you're a nice guy that's it I have to make the best sh have to go around and tell everybody you know my son law is you know that you're a nice guy and you know he happens to be incredibly talented you know in in every way but uh but you know but that wasn't what I was looking for I was looking for somebody who would appreciate my daughter and want to you know live that life together does he have konos sure he does does he have miles tremendous ones but you know what the best m is he's right for my daughter yeah know and my daughter's right for him does my daughter have Kos sure so if you're not sure how to get past this because Society has changed that's where every is is setting up this system we didn't need Shum and Shalom bayas cuz who needed Shalom Bas you were too busy working we didn't have classes in everyone had a belt you don't need classes you know what I mean you need classes on how to get married because everybody got married friend of mine said to me you know I'm I'm married 31 years he's also about 30 years he says I know when I got married everyone got married if you were 12 if you were short if you were fat if you were thin if you were pretty if you were ugly if you were Rich if you were poor everybody got married cuz everybody got married everyone understood that that's what you do and so everybody has to say to themselves if I'm looking for Perfection if I'm looking for somebody who doesn't need marriage if I'm looking for somebody who's a finished product well you know wait till you get to the old age home and see who's there but if you find a nice person and they're not perfect and nobody's perfect you know and everybody has shortcomings and you're willing to say I'm going to invest in this marriage I'm going to invest in this home then R is saying we'll give you the help to be able to figure out you know what you can handle what you can't to get you over that particular hump that's why we're here tonight and in the of the hisas well you came here tonight and sat through three speeches I was here also at the beginning I also sat through all the speeches you know what I mean you know and and you know it's it's a it's a long evening you know and uh and the fact of the matter is that we made this isus and that's and with the of May is you know giving us these tools to be able to help us all of us should be to be able who are still looking for it to find our and those of us who are married should all have this to be able to build our home into an