Making the Shabbos Table Your Own - Yaakov Shwekey & Rabbi Shlomo Farhi

How are you? >> Nice to see you. >> How's it going? >> Welcome. Fantastic. Let's go into the dining room. >> What an exciting project. >> So, Rabisha Mo, welcome. It's so nice to have you. you're uh also of mine for many years ago and we we have a lot in common. We have uh we're part of the greatest community in the world. We're in deal for the summer although I'm in deal all year round. I try to make it to this city every now and then to your home and to realize what you're doing in the Saffra synagogue and and what you've done for Kiru over the years is well known but it's something that uh very very proud of and I'm sure you are as well and it's tremendous kavod that you came and to to give your time to this type of project and I really feel that you also be this Shabbat project in many different angles because by you doing Kiru roof for so many years in London which I was there when I whenever I was there for a singing engagement. I was able to really a little bit see what the power of also your Shabbat table to bring people in to be able to sing with people around the table. How do you feel in terms of bringing somebody to Yiddishkite um through the the power of music is something that uh should be used more and what is your experience in terms of you know people coming around the shabas table and singing and becoming more gravitated to you know to to Yiddish kite >> you know you say uh the Shabbat table and it's um it's very very uh powerful for me those words the Shabbat table Um, I moved from London to New York about uh seven years ago and I left all my furniture stayed in London. I didn't bring anything with me. >> The only thing that came with me from London is that table. And it's not a pretty table. It's not a nice table. It's not uh fancy. It's not designer. It is a very very very long table. It opens up, you know, very But that wasn't why we brought it. We brought it with us because there were thousands of young people whose first experience with Shabbat was at that table. You know, um people who as they were growing and started to keep Shabbat, uh this was one of the only places they could go, their families didn't keep Shabbat, they would come and be with us. I remember one guy set the record. He came to us uh seven Shabbats in a row, you know. Uh it's kind of like a debris and then you let him free, you know. But uh he he uh he was drawn to that Shabbat table and it was something I couldn't part with. So I kind of brought it with me. I always joke about with the kids. >> Shabbat table in the city. The one that >> that Yes, that one you just ate at. That's from from it's been with us for almost 20 years now. And um and what's crazy is that you know they writes that there used to be these um that when they would pass away they would bury them in the table. And just think about the holiness of that of that and of the kadusha that's latent at that table. But that's the the nature of it. But what makes it a Shabbat table and not a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday? You have nice meals during the week. Also, what makes a Shabbat table so different and so holy and elevated is this mirror Shabbat that you're singing at the table. And without it, it really is lacking that feeling, that that warmth, that uh joy that makes it so special. In a Kiru Rabbi's arsenal, probably the most powerful thing that he has is is to invite people for Shabbat. to the point that there's all these chuvot written. What if the guy's going to drive on Shabbat? How do you know if you're allowed to, not allowed to? But the post dealt with those questions because they understood how important uh a piece in the trajectory of someone coming close to Judaism is around the Shabbat table. And if it's true about someone who grew up with no background, it's also true that part of what makes our children who they are is also no doubt that Shabbat table experience. It's just that it's more it's more usual. It's more regular. They've had it their whole lives. But that that element is something that is unbelievable that this about whether it's the so the slow ones, the the fast ones, the of the of the ones that have a beat and as well the the yearning for that's latent in whatever slow song you sing is something that really kind of seasons the table with the flavor that it needs to be able to be so effective. What do you feel about your yourself as a person growing up before London before being marv before your house? I spent Shabbats at your house. I spent Pesak. You bringing big hazanim over there. I'm doing the ashkanaz. He's doing the I mean you growing up I I'm writing this book about Shabbat this art scroll and I everything that the memories that I thank God your parents are living they should live and more >> but after my parents passed away the memories that I really gravitated to were not the ones so much that my father the drushim on the table I don't remember any of that it and I realized that the the power of the legacy Y of us being parents and our grandparents is not so much the preaching of the the the the pilpim. Yes, of course, Allah is at the table. It's nice. Ver of course is important, but the the the joy and the happiness of being a yid was really taken from those moments around the table. You growing up, did you feel that? Were you long at the table? Did you hit the couch right away? What I mean, what do you feel pisin were like? What? What? >> There was your musical family, Slma. >> Yeah. Yeah, we are. >> There was never a meal that there was no singing. Never. I don't remember any. Not one that we were not singing. My mother would tell us after having the first course, she would be like, "Sing for your supper." Like, you know, we would have to sing something. My father had a funny thing. Drove us crazy. Um he said, "Pick your favorite uh pick your favorite pismon." And he he waited I don't know exactly the amount of time it was. you know, if it was a sh of I don't know exactly what the time was, but after that time passed, however long it was, he would say, "I know Schlommo's favorite song." And then he would launch into the song that we all hated. >> And I don't think we hated it because we hated the song. I think we hated it because that was the default. If you didn't pick one, this was what it was. And it became that was very funny in our family. And it was the hilarious is the irony of which song became the song that he punished us with was sing a song of happiness you know right you know that on the medley >> that was that was the song >> I have no idea what that song is >> well it's good because it would trigger all the farhees and and we would and that would be the song that he would pick that he would you know that we have to sing but there was no such thing and it was it was the ziro it was the pashot it was the songs from that were sphartic that were ashkanaz. >> Would your father sit at the table for a long time? I mean, it's a long meal. >> He did not leave the table ever. My father sat at the table and even if he fell asleep at the table with the he was still at the table. I remember when I got married so I I you know I was by my in-laws for Shabbat and I saw my father-in-law he should live and be well for sitting at the table with his or his gim open sleeping. I was like now I feel at home. But uh we would try and escape to the couch at some point but our escape to the couch was you know after two hours you know a long time >> when you became a parent and wherever you you you started off at London I remember if you started there started after you got married >> when I got no I went to study in seven years >> about six six and a half six and change and then and then we moved to uh to Israel to from there to London from Israel to London I was there for 13 years and then I moved here about 70 years ago to to be the rabbi of saffra. Um, but all throughout there's always been this mirror at the Shabbat table and I I've had to teach my kids also. That was interesting, you know, because I grew up with the Pismon and all the Ashkanaz songs as well. >> Explain that to the Ashkanaz listener what a pis >> I'm sure you could explain amon. I think you have to experience it. >> Experience it. Pismon. Okay. This is Miroad. The short version of it. This actually I got from Davidid Hill, my friend who got it from his uncle the cabalistak of Hillel who I cherish. So I take it and I I did a song um Eloh O from here because it's not in any of the other ones. Truth is maybe I should put it in the art school one too. >> We sang that song this Friday night at my >> this one. And you have the words. >> Yeah. [singing] >> [singing] >> I did this song with my son. It's bar mitzvah and we got arts grow to actually translate these words. gives me a good uh memory to to now a reminder to to really put in my book also because it's a special song. I I just felt certain kaduca I think I think says that Evan Ezra wrote these words hundreds of years ago. They say by the way which I'm not sure maybe Rab Far will that when you hear something so beautiful when you hear something that triggers within you a spark of really a holiness it might have came you know from the place that they sang actually those type of notes in the bas it's like a certain there are certain songs I don't know that there is a song actually in the Ashkanaz uh velt one of my favorite songs it goes I'm Sure you know. So I took that tune. I felt that that tune or diamond also agreed with me. When you hear that tune actually recorded it in Yiddish, it just brings you to a beautiful place in your mind where they just it's it's it's a pure it's a pure place. It's a the beta mikdash of your brain because you just close your eyes and you want to just be in a pure place. I put it into Anyway, that's not a pisman. What is a pismon? >> So, in the old days, if you used to go to a seb, a seb is the equivalent of an ashkinaz kdish, >> right? >> Okay. >> Called seb. >> Seb. And that's what they would sing. And every person knew every one of these songs by heart. And it's page by page, right? All these songs everyone might not be in there. Maybe >> this the next one's my favorite. I sing with the kids all the time. >> It's not in there. I should That That's got to be in there. That's >> Well, because that's the only part I like about this song. >> No, no. My fa >> The favorite part is afterwards when they go uh That's the closest ever got to rap. [laughter] Do you feel that the the youth today with the pism that we remembered growing up and the elder statesmen were at the table at the seb singing and everybody do you feel that a lot of it is lost today and if you do why is it that the youth are not gravitating to to Zamirus what's the >> look I I'll tell you the truth um there's a there is a big challenge that that we're facing in communicating that I said if you used to go to a seb because not all sebates have this anymore, >> right? >> And it wasn't only the religious people. Everybody in the community, everybody knew that they were going to sing. They knew that that and and you know, they were all involved. Mousie, right? They all did it. Now it's not the case anymore. People don't know. And I think part of it is there's like a change in the music. Remember these songs are they're old. They're Arabic. Part of it is that the music is an older style music and it's like if you go to the Arabs, the Arabs, the young Arabs are no longer listening to the old Arabic music from Arabic. >> Yeah. They're listening to the stuff that has more of a beat. So, as an example, when you sang, you know, >> Arabic DJs now, I'm like, "Wow." >> When you sanglo >> and you kind of refreshed it a little bit and it's one of those songs that has like a good beat. So, those songs are the ones that kind of stick around. Hhabibi Nagila songs that I gravitated to that I put in the me >> and they stuck around. But as an example to me the equivalent of that song and we've got them all from like you know I remember being struck when Morai bin David sang >> Esro right I was crime eyes I didn't know what it was I didn't know what he was talking about I was a kid but there's just a there's a doot in that song >> there's another [clears throat] song >> that really just kind of it just cuts right cuts there >> and I didn't speak Yiddish and I'll still remember his song. >> Remember that's we we made up the words me and Aron Dwick. >> Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> You know that was the other song. >> Whatever ones it was [singing] >> then I wanted to get the words. >> Yeah. And it's gorgeous. >> Wow. >> But as an as an example, if you were to port that feeling over to a sphartic song, it's not it's not habibi. Those are like you know like you know you're dancing. So now you're getting into a different kav you t you're touching on I I said it I might have said it in the book or not when I dab in yam and yeshiva I find I found myself crying tears really tears he was the composer of tat that god he's still he's still around tremendous going he used to compose brand new songs and it was the ashkana's way of bringing out the tears and the emotion of daving and singing was the same thing I gravitated to that more. That's why people even at a sebet the guy really you reminded me this guy really got upset at me many many years ago and he he was like why are you going Ashkanaz what what is it that despired them I told him it's not about that I said my heart >> and my emotion is stirred tremendously by that type of song my and my father shalom sang everything around the table we did everything so I told him it's just a different channel does have the happiness channel. You come in there, by the way, if you guys ever come in here and you and if you tap in, yes, it's it's it's a joy. It's a joy. It's not tapping into the cav. So, there's two there's there, >> you know, it's interesting. I'll agree with you >> two different ways >> for for a large part of but as an example like this specifically is a song that that really plays on those heartstrings you know again I can't sing like you but like when we would sing this at my Shabbat >> sing [laughter] and you sing like you >> the song like it would be you know right? This is it was like you're crying to Hashem and you know when you you're just saying and even the high parts were just like you know uh like it's like really like you so there was certain songs like this if you ever went to Rabbi Ruven >> it rips you apart >> because you hear thousand >> not only but you're right still the upbeat but as an example when they're You know, it's like like go tell my mother that the joy of her life has gone away. You know that >> that's the the >> So the Syrian tune is right. But we also we have a tendency in the ADD generation >> to take these things and speed them up by like a 2x like on WhatsApp, >> right? And then they lose that kind of that nish that heart. So I I always imagined that there's these two elements. There's the joy. >> Well, why do we don't appreciate it? >> I think in general we don't have time for anything. and and happiness and a beat is faster than touching an emotion which is a real a deeper level you know of of so that takes a little bit more time you know um when when you're singing one of the old old style kind of yearning songs that's not as fast a medley that's just the nature of it >> you're saying it's just time and attention >> I think yeah in general that's that's affecting all Jews I think so I I think that that's a huge part of it too and I think that both of them both of them are like unnecessary. You know, there's um uh I I I feel that as well, like if you didn't get one or the other, you really didn't give the full experience at the Shabbat table. So, that's why I do all types of music because somebody asked me, you know, one day you're doing an Israeli EP, which just came out with uh you know, whatever songs and then you're on a Shabas project. I told him, "Yeah, because first of all, there's many different types of backgrounds of Jews that want to listen to music. They want to gravitate and they like different things." I said, "One thing about," and I say it in the book about my father, love Shalom, as old school as he was, and my mother being born in Germany, totally different backgrounds. as as much as old school as he was, he always, you know, took in the the newer shalom, for instance, the newer is Jacob, you don't want to sing that, let's sing it. It it's important for and I I I realize it now and back then I was like, okay, it's normal. I realize it now to be rigid in one way and yet it just does, you know, there are spare eating herring in deal now. Okay. There is there is Ashkanaz buying like it's like it's like it's part of their my friend Yity Waller was just at my Shabas table right here at this table. I gave him real tahina you know not the tahini with the I and it's all water. I gave him the real story. The guy went nuts. So it's important to embrace the different the different but in a way that's in the key is and I find it with music to be inspirational with the message. Meaning even if you're doing a beat, even if you're doing a fast beat, to give them a message they could take home with. Oh, oh, it's it's a it's it's beady. It's got the Yeah. But what are we saying? What are we, you know, to do it in a way that's of course bump in a way. It's can't cross a certain line, but also to give. And I feel the Shabbat table, if we're open to it, if we're open to different types of channels and being able to touch on different backgrounds and different it could be a different experience. >> Well, you know what? It's not only I think that um that there's all different kinds of Jews. Um but I think the question is a misunderstanding. Like imagine asking him back, you know, you're all over the place. You're eating in the morning breakfast and then lunch and then and then dinner. Like make up your mind. No, I need to eat three different times in a day. You know why your songs are everywhere and touching everything? Because Judaism touches everything. You know, Judaism touches joy. Judaism touches sadness, right? You have to you have to sit you have to sit and mourn for the beta mikdash. There's a day called Shaba. We have everything in the human experience. And the Torah and Yiddish kite is supposed to touch and inform and color the way we interact with all of that. And there's nothing like a song that really brings that home. You know, I was talking about this in my a little while ago, you know, um the the puk says at the end of the Torah, right? You have to write down this song. And that's one of the the a person has obligation to write a Torah, right? And I thought it was it's such an interesting thing like it comes all the way at the end of Torah. Fine, cuz you're going to tell me to write it when the Torah is almost finished. Fine. But why are you calling Torah by this name at the end of the Torah? And why are you telling me calling it to me in the mitzvah of writing a Torah? And I think that that's really the nikuda that if you don't have a way and if you can't figure out a way to sing every part of Judaism, then that's the part that will wither and die. If you can't turn this into something which is as we said shira doesn't only mean happy it means connected to right that's why the Torah is a shir because the nature of music is that it rises even higher than the words themselves because it's without me without words and I think also on a certain level it represents >> uh the Torah in a time when there weren't words to be spoken we know the Torah came before the world even existed So in a world where there are no conversants what is what is it and that element is that's really part of what Shira is it's it precedes everything it describes and connects of every kind of type. So you know the famous statement that they say you know attributed to that when people find that their kids aren't what you know what they would hope would have hoped that they would be you know they could blame it on the fact that they weren't Shabbat songs. And I think he means that as a mashal to everything. But if there's, you know, if there's anything more obvious than the value of family, than the value of mitzvot, it's got to be the thing that's most most blet in the week. And that's and that's I think at that at that Shabbat. It's interesting you remind me that little of a Reb told me and on and the night before October 7th happened I was in his suka and he told me uh I was talking to him about the you know the ais part of my life and this and that and it was hard to deal with and I find that it was hard to sing. It's hard to sing when you're not in the right state. You talk about connection, Rabbi Schlommo. You talk about connection. It's your heart has to be there to connect. Especially Jewish music is about heart. It's about nama. It's about being in the right place to connect. And I found I was I was just sharing with him my personal sadness. And he was saying the truth is you're saying a little bit what you were saying, but that's why we gravitate to a sephr called. to Haleim is from King David who by the way came from Balak. There's a whole story but but the point is Balak also connected on his level. He he was such an anti-semite that he was able to from the depths of his heart connect and Hashem put in the bria no matter where it's coming from then you could connect but Shira he said David the reason why we turn to Davidid always when somebody's sick when somebody needs a Yeshua somebody all to heal him because Davidid hame found a way to sing in [clears throat] every point of his life remember you said Judaism touches There's every the full gamut of somebody's life. Tish a is sad and and and and and but Pereim is really really happy and you're all over the place on the pendulum. But the point is do you find a song? Do you find a way to sing at every challenge? And David, even when his son was going against him, it was the deepest saddest time for him and he was running. He still said mismo. He still said a shio and he was able to find a way from the depths to be able to. So you're right a lot of but that's why in a concert people come and they tell me what do you find they ask me a lot of times what do you see what's a successful concert that the sound was great. Yeah of course I want the sound to be great and I want the lighting to be it's all great. It's all great but really the depth within my heart tells me what success is. Success is when people walk out more connected. People walk out more in each one in their own way. You're right. It could be a a happy song that really guy came over to me the other day that there's a song I didn't even there's a song that I even forgot that I even recorded and he's telling me that this song makes him the happiest to be a Jew. And I would never I would never connect that song with that message. Every day I get messages from different people, different ways, different Why is that? Because we all want to feel connected. The depths of really we all want to connect. But how do we do it? Different types of songs, different different That's why I feel the Shabas project that we're talking about now. And I feel that that's uh this project is going to bring a lot of different types of we're using by the way the greatest arrangers that we both grew up to. Mona Rosen Bloom, Moa Alfur, Suki Berry. It's funny. Suki Barry came I brought him to America the Donnie Gross studio >> and he's writing the arrangement for Proaso and he's the original writer for the original one. >> He's like okay. He said, "You want me to do it a little different than the one?" I said, "No, no, no. Maybe a little tad of it, but but it's great that I was be able to bring the arrangers, Moer, who who did a Mona Rosmo did the original uh whatever songs we're doing, and they're they're working on this project as well. And now we have obviously new technology, new sounds, and and to deliver it to the next generation. One of the things that you just said, you know, I I I was with you in in this room when uh when you were sitting. I remember the last time also and I got to see you sitting low, you know, and that's something which is really remarkable about you. But I think you model it for for all other Jews also. I just want to share with you from my heart. You know, there's two different songs in uh in Taim. One is a song of a sense of going up and one is alot is when you're already up and you're going up and is when the song itself is that which brings you up. And you know I remember reading the most beautiful about how was singing Shira to Hashem and the angels were all in a tizzy that this non-Jewish king is singing Shira and the angel comes aliv he smacked him in his mouth he stopped singing and the question is what kind of thing is that you know the guy say you because it's going to be a kug you know it's going to make us look bad we want to stop the answer is no what he was saying is everything's going your way that you're singing What happens after I give you a patch? After everything he received, he was still he still was just his he was just his prayers. He was just his songs. And one of the interesting things and it'll be I think Ashkanazim will find it interesting is that the songs are much longer like the nigim that we sing the like the one-s sentence songs that we sing are are more you know kind of expanded and then you know I mean look at the length of this of right and look at that >> right you know have one long one uh right no right that's the they call that the durge you know It's it's a long song, but for you know in Farad style that's a that's pretty it's a part of the course. Um, but I I do think that there's there's something really really special and in being able to bring out each one of these and I think different exactly like you said, how many times as a rabbi as a rabbi does someone come to you, you know, you said that in the speech, it changed my life. You don't remember saying it. It's not one of your favorite. It's not something that stuck out in your mind, but um I think that designed um a specific set of notes that would speak to each nisha throughout history. And you know and that's why when Jews came to the beta mikdash it wasn't enough to have a and a kohhen and a kohhen and the big and the and all that kadusha you had everything still need they still needed singing on top of that and the answer is yes and I think sometimes what would help people kind of connect is to recognize that everybody knows you can't sit on a table well what was going on around the misbehing and when I'm sitting at that table and my house is like a beta mikdash to raise those kids if we felt that it was a holy responsibility to be singing just like the living were songs that lift up that raise up again happy sadish it makes no difference you know that is an integral part of of of this mitzvah >> no question. But I find it that today is a much more open space. What I was trying to say with the herring, it's it's a joke, but when I was growing up, wasn't that accepted to at the table do everything. >> It was like people came and >> I said the word chant when I got mad when I to in front of few like old school Friday. What? We don't we stew you mean? No. I said no chant. They they got nervous. Ham. >> Ham. [laughter] >> No, they got nervous at me. They made fa and and anything Ashkanaz was I brought by mistake. My friends of mine had a tallet. So I wore the black stripe one. I don't wear the black. I always wear white. But I didn't have a tallet. So I just >> the guy came over. He he he almost felt like I I trampled on the the flag and I tradition and the tradition and I'm burning the flag in the shul >> black shak. this is what we're doing in the and and and now we don't get that nowadays because so I feel it's the time is ripe I'm saying it's it's it's ripe for I don't know the open space of of everybody is welcoming different sounds different and to do it in a way that's of course it's inspirational I'm giving by the way all the Isra is ashkanaz guy very guy everything is you know and he's like whoa these his notes and this chord and this and and and he's he's wondering like and and it's but he's saying it's also a a um it's a breath of fresh air for him. It's not getting the regular traditional, you know, song to arrange. And it's something I don't know. I was telling them a story. This story always moved me to tears at a the way it was written, the way it was. It was a rabbi speaking at a Shabaton at a cure place. He was saying there was once a boy, you know, who was a wild ragged boy living in Israel. >> Just a ragged boy. >> No, not that one. >> Not that one. Maybe he meant that one. Maybe he meant him. and he's speaking and he's like, I I my family was religious and my brothers and sisters were all, you know, perfect and I wasn't. I just didn't I just gravitated away from Yiddishkite, got myself a motorcycle, leather jacket, and started to, you know, be the guy from the 59 Street gang from that same album. Remember that? Remember that? That's the guy with the chains and everything. and and he and he's saying like I was not feeling it. I was not feeling Shabbat. I was not feeling singing. I was just not feeling it. But inside my heart, just like anybody else, when they have parents that care for them, inside my heart, you feel a little bit of guilt that so from periodic from times just interesting times I picked, I just would, you know, uh, show up with my motorcycle on Shabbat. And it was one Friday night when my father and mother had a lot of guests over and I just showed up with my motorcycle and I just pulled up, you know, my jacket, my helmet, and I came right into the house. My father opened up the door and he hugged me and he smiled with me and he was emotional. He said, "Welcome." He brought me to the dining room table and he introduced every single person my actually he's saying my siblings just got engaged and they brought in the new family members. So there was double the amount of people and he's pointing to me and he's saying this is my son. I'm proud that he's here. And every single person even the outsiders with a lot of parents would be embarrassed of the fact that they have such a son. He was so proud of me. He pointed to every single you this is you know what kind of son I have and he would just point out my my my positive whatever I had my I'm I'm a great uh violinist or I was a great basketball player or soccer player in Israel and he does this and he cares for his friends and this is my and he pointed out such pride and the other family were looking like whoa this he looks different he's not he's not you're run-of-the-mill kid. He's coming on a motorcycle on Chabas and he's saying, this rabbi is speaking and he's saying, "As I walked out the door," he's saying, "By the way, as I walked out the door, my father gave me such a hug and such as this." And he said, "Please, I want you to come again. Don't ever, this is your house. this is your place to be and I will always welcome you with open arms to my house. Please please stay and come again. This is I walked away from there on my motorcycle on Shabas thinking I have such great parents. I have such a they have such greatness within them and the pride that they show in me. And he said he just became emotional and he said I I'm telling you this because obviously I was that kid and I became a rabbi to be macar of all of you only because my parents always the shabas home the shabas table was positive no matter where I was in life. I was the furthest away, he said, from Mideshkite at that point. But the raman and the the beauty of my father who was not embarrassed, this is my son. Every child is my child and I will take whatever Hashem gives me and sing along with that song. And he says the reason why I'm being able to be macar of so many people today is because I went through the journey and I was a but my father always wanted to love me to sing with me and not to place the religion as a as a as a burden to to to preach to the kid. You got to learn. You have to get up in the morning on Shabas with me to come pray with me. You have to No, no, no, no, no. Let it be. Let it come. It's not as always easy. I'm not saying it's easy. When I read the story, I still cry till today. It's not easy to do because you got to you got to get over your own perception of what you want your child to look like when they grow up. Let them go through the journey. Let them go through it and be there for them at every single point. When the son feels like he doesn't belong in Yiddish or the son feels like he doesn't belong in the family, are you going to be the one to embrace him and to just be able to sing with him no matter what the story is? I remember we had one guy um he came to our house for Shabbat and um and he sat through the Shabbat meal and he was new. He hadn't learned, hadn't studied with us, you know, he'd not been involved. He'd not really learned much. He'd not really seen much. Um he walked in and he had a Shabbat dinner with us and you know as you might imagine it was you know I sing kouch every week I try using different tunes for the kush to kind of keep it you know special we sing the hamotzi you know we're doing the thing I'm blessing all the all the kids around the Shabbat table you know I have a thing that I do also I would giveot um to all of my students that were not religious who didn't have a father or mother who were giving them a so I used to have in my mind I would see their faces and just do a for all those kids that never had anyone to bless them. [snorts] The reason why I started that was because a girl saw me blessing my kids and she came to me with a with tears in her eyes. She says, "I I have no one to give me a no one ever gives me a blessing." So I said, "Of course I'll give you a" She said, "But what are you going to do next week when I'm not here?" I said, "I'll have I'll I'll have you in mind. I'll give you a next week." And from that I started growing a list of these some of them now have their own families married [snorts] you know >> so anyway I'm doing the whole thing for me and you it's a regular Shabbat dinner end of the dinner the guy ready to leave thank you thank you one's thanking you for coming for for hosting them and on the way out he says rabbi he goes what do I need to do to get this like tell me whatever I need to do, whatever I need to keep, whatever mitzvot or you know prayers I need to say, you tell me. I'll do it all like just give me this. I need this. I need I said what do you mean? He said like like I live in a world where husbands don't talk to their wives, you know, everyone's on a phone. The kids are not respecting their parents. Everyone is sitting there. They come to you. You bless them. They kiss your hand. Like how do I get this? what this is the prize. Um, and I told him, well, why don't we start learning and I I'll I'll teach you the things that you have to do in order to have this. And this man now actually is a teacher in a Jewish school, the most beautiful nishama you could ever imagine. A wonderful, wonderful man. Um, but that's what it was. And you know I remember years later when he already was married and he had children that were themselves religious connected beautiful souls. I just remember um I was singing Shabbat and I just started crying and my guest asked me why are you crying and I said um I had never read these words in the same way and all of a sudden this this man came into my mind. We say Shabbat. You know, a Jew works their whole life for reward. What are we doing it for? For this man looked at a Shabbat table and he saw something that was worth doing it doing everything for. Yum. Shabbat. And how many Shabbat do we go through? We don't realize that we're in. >> It reminds me of a story. I just went to the cleaners a few blocks away. I saw a very powerful story cuz it made a rush on me. It's in the book. I just want to say it because it's random Friday. I go to the cleaners. Matter of fact, nobody was at this cleaners. Nobody was there. Usually it's packed. I'm sitting myself and this guy Tony is is behind the counter and I look at the picture of his family, you know, whose baby his son and his b like Tony, you have a beautiful family, Tony. so nice. I wanted to start a conversation with him, you know, so beautiful your family. He goes, "The truth is, the truth is," he says, he started to cry. He says, "I don't see them. I don't see them as much as I want to." He said, "It's amazing that you guys come here on a Friday and I see you for years. you guys get your shirts for Shabbat and you go and you sit around with your family and you and you're pro I said yeah we do it every week. He goes, "Once a year maybe my son comes on Thanksgiving, like you said, he's with his phone and he's crying. This guy Tony is crying." He says, "I wish I had what you have. I wish I have this." Like you said, I want this. I wish I have that. Every week I'm running and people and I'm realizing we sometimes I walked out very emotional for a minute. He cried. I cried. I took my cleaners and I'm holding the cleaner. I I just get I said thank you Hashem giving us give me this inspiration from a who's crying by the fact that they have maybe one holiday that they don't even understand and the son shows up begrudgingly and and with his phone and doesn't want to connect with the family because he's so addicted. We're so addicted to everything that's around us without stopping. And Hashem made us stop and did us the biggest favor because Hashem knew I was thanking Hashem. Hashem, you knew that we would turn out just like that because it's humanistic to never stop and enjoy the creation around us. Like you said, it's such a fastpaced world with so many whirlwinds around us. And thank you, Hashem, for giving us the opportunity for Shabbat that I grew up in a in a home. I It's not You're right. So many of them did not. It's emotional what you said before. Some of these kids, Jewish kids, they don't have that education. They didn't grow up in in in a a background of any religion and they come to Shabbat and they just it's it sparks of of of just such angelic connection to to Aabata to a world we don't understand, but we have that taste in this world. And I felt that um sometimes we have to have these reminders from from people who did not grow up like us and just I walk out of there, I'm like, Tony, you're making me cry. But it's amazing. This guy, by the way, you give him a talis and he does it for free. He has a a spark of of just, you know, some sort of connection. >> Um only with black wines or white, >> white, black, any free because it's kadusha. It's amazing, >> you know. So sometimes people ask why, you know, why is this why is this the way it has to be? I find it really difficult in my house. Like my kids don't want to be at the table. Now instead of having a beautiful Shabbat, Shabbat was ruined by the Shabbat table cuz I had to tell them to come from the couch and sit here and they want to go. Could I may I be excused from the table? You know, and they want to run away and by keeping them there, I'm not giving them what what I want them to get. So, I let them go, but then they didn't get what I wanted them to get. So, you know, I just it's very hard. Um, and I think that there's a a beautiful parallel to this in um in you know sometimes a person I don't know if you ever use you ever use those books that have like you know for like when you're reading like on the and it's like and it's like telling you all like the deepest meanings all the and you know and you're reading this and you're like okay and an hour later you're up to like you know you haven't even got yeah you haven't even got past M Arab and the Kazan's already doing you know and and it's and it's nice to do on the high holidays you know but like afterwards and the crazy thing is >> you barely had any kavanote you really you never even connected to the davening because you were so busy reading the pirouch on the words but in the end you actually knew exactly what the words meant but you didn't mean any of them sometimes too much comes at the expense of anything and a parent really needs to know and understand the children and understand this the environment that they can create uh where it's actually going to be a net positive the time that they're sitting at the table and the kids actually will love the Shabbat table and not loathe it like you know so one of the things that I've noticed as well is that you know when you serve your meal some families they put everything on the table and then they start their meal It's very hard to pace a meal when everything's already there and we're just putting the things in the day and then they go, you know, but as an example, if you do this and then you do this and then you do this and then like my mother would say as a little bit of a as a little bit of a smile on her face like you know, okay, we're not bringing out the next course until you guys bring out a song, right? >> And and it could be a short song, doesn't matter. It could be a short divor doesn't matter but it's you're creating this you know almost structure [snorts] to the table where it's meaningful but not necessarily long. It doesn't say anywhere that there's a sh ofman that you have to sit at the Shabbat table. And sometimes because the father is remembering what it was like sitting by his grandfather's table where they sang the whole afternoon for the sake of that memory, he's actually ensuring that his kids will never sing anything because they're forced into doing it. So sometimes there's an element there's an element of that. You know what I found was really interesting also is involving the children. So just as an example, you know, today you have like oh there's Mike's chicken and this I don't know why like became an item like you know and there's this kind of chopped liver and there's so we know we know that one of the things of being Shabbat is in bringing the matim to the table the already talked about it you know bringing things that are more schuman they have more delicious taste that Shabbat. So what I found also helps is you let the kids pick up the salads that they want from Uries like you know they went and they got those salad and they got >> and then they got this kind of herring and which kind of kick do they want like today's kids are like experts in all of the gas in like gir culture like you got to know which meatboard is the item so you know what forget it don't worry about the the the nigurim and the time but the minute the kid got involved olved in choosing that item. That's his moment to shine. >> Choose. Let them let them be a part of >> and then when you eat it, do like your due diligence and get in it like you know, oh wow, like this is this is sick. And the kids like, oh yeah, he feels like he did something. He did something good. He brought something beautiful to the table, you know. Um I also used to ask my kids things that were not only like, you know, there's the thing, do you have adver? No. Go get me your briefcase. Here's the in between the old potato chips and you know and half a sandwich like you know you pull it out and then you read it and then all of you are giving glances around the table because in that school that your daughter goes to like that was a darra that her sister said and then sister before her sister and the sister before the sister. I don't know if they're makpet on recycling for the Amazon or if it's just that you know that's what it is but you've heard it 64,000 times and it's the same story. I always remember this like you know what's ah Rabbi Rabki used to say a joke about it they tell a story about the um you know about this the this student that comes in and he's tells his rebby rebby did you hear may I got out of prison he's like wow few minutes later comes in again rebi did you hear may I got out of prison you know and he's the reby's like wow next one rebby you know and afterwards they're like you knew already the first guy yeah but I didn't want to you know I didn't want to deprive that talmet of the joy that he brought that he brought the you know the story to me you know and Rabki says and today someone's like did you hear the story about the yeah yeah I heard it we can't even hear the story about listening to the stories right so sometimes there's another way to actually bring something out from the kind you know I had a a minhag in our house that we would ask the kids what was something that you saw this week that you that you were grateful for that you had that you were appreciative for to hijab Because really that's what Shabas is about. That the world creation stops. We recognize who created all of this. And now the kids after one week, two weeks where they get away with the easy ones. My family, my father, my house, my bed, whatever. Eventually, they got to start being more creative. I'll never forget when like we started to get to a place where my kids would be like I love I appreciate when going outside after it rains because the leaves are all shiny like just a level of uh of tash for something beautiful. Then the other daughter was like I appreciate that the world spins. what she says, because that means that you're never looking at the same sky twice. You're bringing out in the kids this ability to notice these things, but because it's at the table and it's not a pre-prepared sheet that they have to read, >> you know, you're actually addressing the child. And what you said earlier is probably a big part of it, too. You know, what song do they want to sing? Is it that new song from whoever? You know, is it, you know, is it a little bit not exactly? Yeah, you don't love it. >> A lot of the songs my son sometimes I'm like I'm not connected. But let him let him express it. Let him sing that song. Let him My father I guarantee you the songs that I brought at that time that was coming out. My father was born in Cairo. You know what I mean? He went to Mir Yeshiva and he was an old school and I'm starting to sing these new whatever like now bu what what are you doing? >> Yeah. What are you boo? What's going on here? Booing javez. No, he like smiled and he just listened and he But let them So today >> I remember we used to have this thing. I mean it was um it was uh they would sing. So there was a whole song that kids would do from camp and they would be that's the one we know, right? That's how we said. But then they came over there like I'm like, "What is happening here?" But you know what? Because they were woof woofing and meow meowing and and mooowooing, they got all the way through draw. And I was like, you know what? Nished kasha, like we say in Arabic, you know, it's okay. And and they did that. We had this other one also. I don't know if you have in benching that we would do [singing] composed that He composed a new one for this project. Brand new one. We're doing it shalom. >> And it's the same style. >> So it's got that >> it's got that countryish. >> And you know what we did? >> So what we do? We divide the table into half. Everyone chooses either their shabas or their >> And when you say the word shabas or you got to get out of your chair. >> So So it's literally we're like And the whole table is up and down and this and that. And you know what? And the kids especially, they see this guy and he's like huffing and puffing and they're cracking up. That was, you know, that was what the kids will remember. I used to do in in London. We had a room and the the couches were in the same room. So we would do um shab and then there would be the end of that. I'll be like BACK TO THE COUCH AND THE KIDS WOULD RUN TO THE COUCH, you know, make it >> fun jump and then the end they get to the couch and they would be jumped and he jumped and he jumped and he jumped and he jumped and they're jumping up and down like crazy people, right? But that was shab ironically Shabas [laughter] >> that was they're jumping and running like crazy but this is their memory of of the Shabbat. And by the way, even when there were no guests, you know, it's not a show, >> right? >> You're not a show that you're putting on for the guests. I remember in CO my kids came down, no one's there. They're wearing, you know, casual clothes or whatever, you know, no one's there for the beginning of CO, you know, there's ones wearing t-shirt. I said, they're like, what what is where's the shabish clothes? They're like, oh, nobody's coming. It's we just be comfortable. I said, we don't get dressed up for the guests. Get dressed up for Shabbat Kesh. >> We don't sing for the guests, you know. You sing for Shabbakes for Shabbat. My sister, beautiful. My sisters um used to always beg my father some meals not to invite guests because he used to bring home from shu people >> so the girls could sing >> because the girls could sing and sometimes when we were alone the singing went on for hours and hours because the girls got involved and it was something special in the house. You should know the memories that we have is really from those moments. So the answer really is each one's home should be make it you know your kids find ways to make it interesting find ways to make it fun because really that's the memories of the happiness of Yiddish that they're going to take with them and that that that's what I grew up that's the way we try to do that today listen and even if the kids get up by the way in the middle it's okay get up go do your thing they come back and they the truth is if you feel it at the end of the day if you feel the joy of Shabas and you really day in like consistently not once consistently happy to sing at the table eventually I see it eventually they they're like wow okay this is not just a oneanddone table that and my kids some of them are more musically inclined than others some of them it doesn't matter they sit they want to be a part of it even the kid that that's I have a kid that's you know energy and he's this that I see even when he runs out with his friend comes back He's always and you want you want them always to be that magnet to to what you you hold dear to you. >> I'll give one last tip on the on the kid going to the couch bit. And it sounds counterintuitive, but one of the ways you get your kid come back to the Shabbat table is to go and sit on the couch. And it sounds crazy because what do you mean now? Now the now the abba left. No, but the abba goes he stretches out. He's like, "Oh my gosh, that food was amazing." And you stretch out. Oh, this is so comfortable. Oh, yes. A minute, two, and they're like, "Come, let's go back to we're going to back to dessert." >> It's very different than when you tell the kid, "GET BACK TO THE TABLE." YOU KNOW, YOU PULL them by the ear. >> It's a great story in the kindergarten and deal years ago. So I know that the the teacher told this to my wife. They did a skit about uh about they did a skit that each one should do different things at these are four or five year olds. So one of the kid one of the boys going to make kouch like he has in his house. So they set up the Shabbat table in this kindergarten whatever it is. And they have the girls the boys and each one is sitting you know where they think they sit at their own Shabbat table. And this kid is supposed to make kouch. So the kid takes the cup and he's like his father. He comes says he puts it down before he even makes Oh, I had a hard week. [laughter] Oh, was it difficult? And the the teachers are laughing, but they're like and he's like going on and on with the whole week and he's telling the girl, you know, the little kids, hey, business is tough out there, you know, it's and they're like Mickey, I guess his father. So they the the the father who I know he said he changed his life because they called him up and he was embarrassed by he didn't realize that his kid is >> picking up >> he's picking up everything. The kid is sitting there mimicking the father. Oh this week was the business is tough out there. It's just and he and he's like you know what he's picking up. That's the my son is gonna be like me and this is scary. And he started to [clears throat] he started to improve himself. He started to really focus in. He said today is a different because of that story. And we don't realize that's that's in every single one of us. That the way we imbue Judaism, the way we sing, the way we pick the the food, the way we give them, they want to feel like a like you said, you said such a beautiful thing. Make them feel like a million dollars because they are. They're much more than a million. Make them feel that way. Pick a food. Pick a They don't have to say the devarti. But my son, by the way, also like you said, don't go to the knapsack. I know you don't want to say what you read. You know what? Me and you, let's read something. Let's you got to figure it out. >> By the way, those books that they have like the crazy hala questions. Oh my gosh, kids love that. >> They love it. answers the guessing you know this what if from from arts girl that that you know what I mean you don't know how many conversation that spurred at my table a lot of technical answers though this that but still it just what do you say what do you say get them involved and it's >> also best trick is telling them oh my god the craziest story I have for you guys forget it forget I can't I can't say it there's nothing [laughter] that gets >> teach you in the book. This is >> I have the greatest story in the world that just happened. >> I don't think I could say it. >> Not everyone here is old enough. >> Not everybody's here can handle. >> Come on. You can't do that. You can't do that to us. Yeah. Amazing. >> The curiosity peak the >> those but those those those stories are unbelievable. And what I find also is um when you have a kid or even a guest and they're just not interested in the so what I'll do is I'll pick something random from the news that I know that they really care about like you know and I'll be like you know oh did you guys hear what happened this guy he asked to be traded you know the kids love sports >> he's like yeah you know I can't believe it and he's already telling me you know I was just thinking you know the guy's been with all these guys I wonder how do you think his teammates feel like that he's just like wants to cuz he's a superstar now he wants to go somewhere else like they've been working together to put it to like is that do you think that's right all of a sudden the guy is coming out with mamoreim on and aas and right because you you you gave him a a place in which it's something that matters to him to talk about so bringing in those things >> what matters to them >> yeah and and then that sparked you know and uh I also would I find is awesome is when you can take a piece of of one of those miro and tell them like you know you see this line over here they just really reminded me of like this thing that's going on and then afterwards I give a whole little item on that piece and then let's just sing that song now now I have that in mind like when I'm singing it and then you you brought it really to life also using something that that really happened today you know or yesterday you know um >> my kids love sports >> so I always bring the sport like you said the idea >> of somebody something happened or my son who's very competitive, you know, the way he dealt with with losing, the way he so many different things that you could bring out character. You're right. Even at the Shabas table, it's okay. You know, you you sing Joe Deaggio. Who was Joe De? He was a great this and you see that the you peak into curiosity and you get you take that conversation and it just leads to to great, you know, love between a father and son. It's just it's it's a beautiful thing. Thank you so much for coming. >> All the people should be singing their own song, connecting to their children, having the legacy to the next generation of just, you know, uh beautiful to remember Yiddish kite as the happiest because it is. Hashem wants every yid. Hashem wants every and that's a definite. And he did the shabas. He gave us the songs. He gave us the music. He gave us the food. What we have in our generation is unprecedented. Anybody will tell you that the poorest guy with just even a few items is is so much richer than what they had. And if we just focus in like you said, shut off our phones for a minute and just understand that Hashem is shabas. It's just a it's madim and and and that will bring us to joy because thank you so much. It's so great to reconnect. It's an excuse also to sit here for a few. >> I feel terrible because we're all It's only Monday and I'm so far away from Shabbat, right? I can't wait anymore. >> We can't wait. >> [singing]