Maamar V'Im Ruach HaMoishel #4 1924 - Rabbi Chaim Dalfin: Empathy vs Sympathy

good morning today we are on page of what page are we were a page race huge tests right or no no yeah pace race your tests and middle of the page and we're learning here about the criteria very very important the criteria for giving that money admonishment which is Musa tokoha and the first thing that ever said is that you have to do it but not embarrassing a person that's that's a that's a given if you if in any way you embarrass the person in public or any other way then it's not acceptable another thing that happened but that he said in the parentheses on the previous page erase your press then he said that at the time when you give the admonishment you need to notify the person make them aware of the magnitude of the transgression if the person doesn't know why it's considered sinful or a sin or transgression the person won't you know won't stop doing it so he spoke about that then he spoke about the the idea going on to ratio test that the person giving the masseur has to put himself into the shoes of the person who is giving him muster to in english there's a word sympathy and a word empathy two words here we're talking about empathy empathy means not only are you standing here and he's standing there and you're shooting at him which in that equation in that equation it's not really an acceptable equation for musser because who promoted you to be a Mooser Sayer and and we see that even sorry lovey what a great man but and he had really great year hosts and he had a great pedigree and he was a rabbi and he was a judge and and he was a calling in the circle all kinds of wonderful accolades and and and true gifts nevertheless he became pompous and he and he he took the the prophecy that God gave him in the wrong direction what I'm in the wrong direction he spoke with arrogance he spoke with Guyver so though he was a great man but when you speak with Guyver you're not really in the position of giving Mooser because what no they killed he got killed he was where he was killed afterwards and they stand and and that was a punishment good morning Yehuda that was a punishment for his arrogance which is excuse me which is a very important lesson a very deep lesson from cannot this is not Gomorrah and not considers but it's enough souvent the right was the lesson is that even though he was so great and he had these four things going for him but because he used in other words he abused his power he abused his authority and the the the line between abuse of power and proper power is a very thin one and we see it now with our wonderful president and you guys with your leaders you know I mean to say is that it's so the greater you are the more you have this Taizo for authority and leadership and I'm the boss and I'm gonna tell you how it is and it's my way or the highway well from the tightest perspective that's not acceptable so therefore so therefore Safari I know he was punished and he did not feel the pain ultimately of the Jewish people who were in great pain yes they were transgression progressing there were sins but you need to understand their pain and that's what that was making the point that you heard they were learning all about Chris criticism who and how do we give constructive criticism and criticism I didn't get a chance to really elaborate on this and I won't take much time now but briefly criticism is probably it's not the number one thing but it's up there that breaks up relationships employer and employee children and parents friends spouses you know we you know do you know how many people do you know that don't give criticism everyone does criticism and everyone tell you I mean I love you I care for you it's for your best well are you fulfilling these criteria here are you being empathetic with the person are you putting yourself in their shoes feeling their pain and and and and that's the way you build your constructive criticism and when you build your criticism based on that it's a very different criticism it's not the same criticism it's the the the the meat the the feeling of I'm out to get you or AHA you know is lost I told I told you the story of the cellular that briefly when the holy one of the Garrett rebels was a young boy so he stayed up with his caboose and they were learning half a night all night up very late and the morning the grandfather came in and said get up get up get up why are you sleeping it's Christmas trying to say smile and he scolded him heavily and the grandson didn't say anything so ft left the room so his friend the have Rousso sleeping nearby said why did you tell your grandfather that we went to sleep at 4:00 a.m. so we got up instead of 7:00 7:00 7:30 or whatever 8:00 8:30 whatever it was and yes and and and it's getting late for Christmas but but we weren't playing cards we weren't you know while running around the Vegas and we were we were or you know whatever else the bars in Tel Aviv we were we were we were learning Torah so he said he said like this to scoff Russa when my grandfather gives me Musa I don't hear Musa I hear a lot of sweetness and honey and I say to myself grandfather give me more and more and more if I would have answered him to told then grandfather I'm sorry but you know we were up so late the grandfather would have said excuse me I'm sorry for criticizing you and it would have left the room and that said this way you had more of a chance to hear from his grandfather so it's the attitude when do people feel and resent criticism what what's so funny when do people feel well listen listen listen to what I'm saying when do people feel and resent criticism when they sense you have an agenda I have an agenda we have an agenda and when they sense we have it it's any agenda it backfires but when you feel that it's coming from real love and concern they'll actually say I want to hear more and more right to two spouses that don't have any arguments are not really in love you have to have disagreements do you know any two people that are alike it can't be but the issue is how to work out those disagreements to work them out right but but you know I do that too but if you heard the way for example way my wife says clean the room is a very different way it's a very different way and it's much more I see it daily for 30 years it's much more received much better because she has a much more refined and sensitive way of saying clean the room and you know that's the way it is I see with my own eyes and I don't mean bad to us as I said clean the room but when you say clean the room but clean the room the language the write the wording the sound of clean the room what does it sound like as you better do it my way or you know you're not good enough if you don't clean your room and it working it's not going to work that's a criticism that's due to failure so that ever says here that in order to feed to another criteria this is only one of the few criteria that he mentions you but another criteria for successful for success with prescriptive criticism for criticism to be constructive and not destructive is empathy really putting yourself into the other person's shoes and and I'm you know the more I think about this and what we should think about it you'll see it's so true because if you feel the other person's pain and where the other person's coming from even when they're doing something wrong that you aren't talking about it it's it's gonna be a whole conversation of love not a conversation of anger not a conversation I'm better than you not a conversation you're a sinner understand this this one this is not one we learned before the good mother says the Torah says very fast if here the semi says her skull show you scold your friend that the governor says you're obligated to do to do that even to hoc or even to the point if you're gonna get hit right the the guy says you only stop already on the slug you shut up be quiet and he sees turning colors and he's getting ready and and you know he's gonna slug you he is gonna slug you right so the DA mother says you should allow yourself to be slugged if you know he's doing something wrong and you need to give him criticism that's right now the interpretation of that camara means not that you're saying that with anger because if he's saying with anger your criticisms not justified and then he's allowed to slug you you should be slugged because you are arrogant and you're being vicious and you're being mean when you're not that way and you mean his best and he's getting irritated but he's getting irritated it's like you've you've put him into a corner you know you you've boxed him into a corner where you've proven to him that what hi Moshe welcome back so so you put him into a corner and and and it's uncomfortable but if he sees that you're coming from love it's a whole different relationship it's all different relationship and that is very very important very important and so we took about children when you talk about your Hillel you know talk about the raising children and telling him usually I would say most of the time we are telling people what to do we're telling our children what to do our spouses what to do our friends our employers employees were always giving instruction and giving lessons and basically saying I'm better than you without saying those words that's not gonna work especially today's youth it's not going to work for sure all that works today is we love you we care for you we understand you we might disagree can we talk about it let's go out for a pizza let's go bowling let's go for a walk let's go for a hike let's go for a swim let's go for a drive let's let's go to a ball game you know Hiro and Ava he rose and Ava I saw this when I was an older young adult when I took boys through the yeshiva who were younger some of which you might even know because they became speakers and all that and you know they were wobbling in various ways with the Judaism and their you know the who leave etc I took him out to the LA Dodgers you know I believe me I wasn't interested early John first of all I used to be a Mets fan not a Brooklyn Dodgers fan because I'm a little oh the Dodgers left so you know if anything and I you know so I yeah right so if anyone will go for the Mets not for the Dodgers so I had that was the game was the Dodgers against the Cardinals st. Louis Cardinals I had no but I knew that this kid loves the Dodgers he grew up in LA so you know so I took him to the Dodgers game meanwhile in between innings I got to talk to him a little bit and talk to him and talk to them and you become his friend and that's what we need today and I say this here in Brooklyn that no one here no one listens all these deceivers are spending money in girls schools each even and girls you know they need beside teachers they need friends they need women with women and men with men they need guys and girls and achievers who become friends with the kids and hang out with them and they become their confidant in Habad we use the word my sphere but you know in you know to become like a social become a a buzzword Oh like the young kids the teenagers they're embarrassed to say I have a much spear that's like a black hole of poopoo you know okay don't call it a cover a friend a friend a friend you know and and it works the other the other kid that was at 20 years old he wanted to commit suicide at least the parents thought he wants to commit suicide I said their parents just give it to me just just just asked him if he's willing to chat with me what we didn't do we're gonna go to the pizza store we're gonna schmooze he came and chilled and spoke and this and meanwhile he's trying to tell me you know he was in Hawaii and even in the yeah he wants to commit suicide but he's scared to commit suicide and why and we're talking or he came front stays a married man with a child you know suicide I'm not saying it always works this way I'm not foolish you know but but my point is we gotta become their friends and you should know sometimes it's easier to be the other person's child's friend that you owe something tortoise friend so guess what if you become another person's child's friend and you help them hashem sees that and he'll have someone become your child's friends and help them you know davis to god keep score he hasn't forget he doesn't forget to score and the inning and how many outs it is he knows what's going on so there for you know you could this is every something I know those a guy benyamin Rothstein he used to live in remark that Shemesh so the young man is a friend yeah you know so the young man is very athletic so he told me he would go Friday night up there to the hill and hang out with the kids at 12:00 1:00 in the morning you know and and and he made a lot of friends you know to say oops well my days at Flemish York said so it's appropriate to say something with Davis of the Smurfs Lee what was his power of course his power was music but what was his power his power was behind what was behind the music he became a friend he was genuinely interested in being your friend when a person is genuinely interested being your friend people love that people and they gravitate to that you know you could see that people who are very bright and very intellectual very gifted but if they're not friendly they don't they don't they don't score as many points that they don't have as many accomplishments in in the area of relationships they have it as a professor as a lecturer and as a scholar that's fine but criticism warrants friendship and that's what we need today the number one thing that we need is friendship and friendship means let's just go have a pizza or a sandwich or a bull game just let's be friends let's sit on the porch and talk and yes it takes time and you know some people say well I have to go learn and have to go there's that I have to do that but here you're saving a life you're saving the life of a young man or a young lady you're sending you're saving their life to become obsessed upstanding citizens and Jews and leaders for the future so your investment to them is valuable and everyone here every one of you at myself all of us we can do this then we need to do this when you have an opportunity to meet a young person say hello what's going down let's talk you know you'll be surprised you'll be very surprised how many young people are low and they're aching inside and there's a lot of pain and a lot of people have issues with their parents and there's anger and and right and you can be the one to build up that kid that that kid becomes a tremendous youth and a fine person okay let's continue now in the moment because we we have to learn inside we are on page ratio tests in middle of the page and we are V he may revise ice that's like ten eleven lines from the top after the period the two last words on the war on the line is vahini lavars ice yellow you have it okay everyone else have it okay Mohini Lavazza is in addition to everything we just said in the Sun of lys - or a slave how much he have possession insulator the person who's scolding the one who's giving the monster has to be subjugated and and feel humility that he has something in himself that even in a very fine way is no good remember we discussed that yesterday processes Ferran is good cuz then that the fact that there is the issue that that you are scolding the person about exists within yourself has to bother you and I heard Azula Nisha who may hear who I'm her they get cozy Benari since fazool us the person who who's the bokya he had he's at this level which is a low level meaning if you have this issue in even a refined way but you have this ailment set of leaves have no sleep boy you have to humble yourself my year might do a year but later in your legs because then why should it be in my generation there's no good issue in other words let's say now there's a big issue in the world with the whole idea if I you know gender identification right so a very big issue so the fact is that we know that the Torah doesn't you know is against that type of behavior and all that right so now you have to ask yourself why is it that I'm hearing about this now why obviously it's a message for me that's the point is making don't don't say Oh get as we say sis vetting gain them Yemen you know it's about the other guy and there's no connection to me no no no no if you read about it and you hear about it even those from another part of the world or it's someone else it's relevant to you that's what he says for Zell Kenya kosyay oh sorry butter cocoa remember his his his safaris I think grandson Kezia he was amongst the congregation the community but the hijra absolute like oh he became he made himself similar equal to the rest of the congregation the father I love her truly actually Acacio he evaluates the barony of koalas haha mine are surely a Kezia was much greater than the rest of the nation nevertheless because ii l didn't boast and brag and didn't feel I'm a like I told you I rushed her behind I'm a II know who I am rabbi so so you know who I am rabbi so so mister so so he didn't have that attitude sha'a'lu you ain't my medium partners Alex eboard L&K yes boy how you strangers have Lucilla fondness we don't elect someone to be a leader over a community and a congregation unless he has you here this guy's unless he has the virtues that are necessary to be a party's a leader okay when we coach came he was to say you Cassio this individual choice all over to Hashem not only was he a good leader but he had the spirit of a Shem within him that means he had like Ruth ha kodesh right Moshe he was a holy guy when we call welcome for you because I call it says the language only in the in the Tanakh is he was betrayed Socko he was within the congregation he didn't stand outside on the sidelines you know sometimes a rabbi stands at the sidelines he does stand on the sidelines he got involved but Icicle she history actually leaked oil he looked at himself that he's similar sullen he's similar to the congregation so if one of my congregants is having a certain issue it's my issue you hear that it's my issue because Jaco choice' bleep even son of them lajas recites with a call he had the modesty to see himself boys as pathetic oh this is a tradition that this is a this is Yehuda a sensitivity for a leader for a rabbi a leader to Humble himself and say is one of my comments or one of the people the community has this issue it's my problem it's really my problem how many of us think that way it's their problem not my problem I'm great so yes Asya who although wasn't a leadership position he was a real part nice and he had the rule of Hashem the spirit of Hashem within him nevertheless he didn't do what Sakarya did was which was abused the power but rather he used the power properly to facilitate relationships of healthy relationships amongst the people my shaking conversely this is what he says next line Zakaria sahaja Hasan MLF Zakaria was what he was the son-in-law of the king the Kohen Gadol and he was the high pay high priest na'vi a profit for Dalian a charge for four four wonderful virtues ruler arts my god Nicola that's why any saw himself greater than everyone else they might become so you start scolding them you chuva you're gonna die you're gonna suffer ranting and raving a preacher there is he from there floor I'm sorry chef lovers are news and he steps up there he says you guys are gone if you can't in your ways you're gonna burn in hell and you'll have not to eat and you're gonna eat the kids meat because it says so to take haha and he goes I'm ranting and raving them preaching with all kinds of fire and brimstone thinking that's the way he's gonna get the people to do true though so that ever says the fee that could ever says here the mind learner look at the difference between your class ZL and Zakaria hello this is very good importantly very beautiful because II al used power authority Dominion Sonata and a healthy way and in the fact that it says he was bateau Huckle he was together with the people he he he humbled himself to the point where he said I'm one of you guys and if you're suffering I'm suffering if you're in trouble I'm in trouble for us but Zafar you know it's your issue and I'm gonna tell you what you're doing wrong I'm gonna tell you how to do Dhruva and if not you gonna burn what happens to him boom out the door you go up to heaven next you're in no position to espousing this type of Hashem did not appoint you as a rabbi as a leader and what it does how you guys just a that I heard this from their ever in the 80s against certain leaders and rabbis in in a neighborhood that's not too far from you called Bnei Brak okay where they were that where once the pork was given and and and and and they said that the reason the Holocaust came was because of the assimilation in Europe and boy did the river the river take take their part was the mid eighties and the rebus said the for some cipher the holy for some safer rules that that any person that passed on in the Holocaust of the Inquisition or anything like that is the kados is a is is a holy person right mysterious nefesh kiddush Hashem so how can you say that he died because he was a sinner because of the sins of the generation and by the way I heard that the previous celebra the author of our mind said the same thing to the sutler of rabb-ul Teitelbaum in the late 1940s he saw the brother towards 4849 one of those years and he said something similar and you know the previous trevor set them yoni must miss good get out don't justify god we don't understand them and it's all from God but don't go and start finding justification to what happened in the Holocaust that fov here in this mindler is saying the same thing really when it comes to criticize critic criticism you don't become kind of God and play God you let God play himself he's doing a good job a good job at it at it okay right I would say I would never write a book if I were God I don't want to be God I don't want that responsibility what a responsibility you are Shem you're big enough and greater or some enough you get Wilson I'm a little person I gotta take care of my issues in my end my death and our issues together the point being that yet has ZL he was betray huh Cole mashenka scar he wasn't let's continue inside is the he may be he may actually collapse with the fact that the carrier didn't include himself amongst the people is that exact 8co cos it's not such a grave sin Charlie of Encino came to Malaysia we find a similar issue with my chef Tracey athletes royal he scolded the Jews for like our last summer in Miami and he didn't include himself with my show with the Jews so therefore the rebus says that you know that's an issue but it's not the the real grave issue why Zakaria was punished and lorry kiddo the real reason why Scalia was punished and the grave transgression that he did she'd dug deeper by a flood I saw illness it's that he spoke so vastly and so elaborately about the punishment he emphasized the fryer and brimstone po ke Liu Shan and the gala how sound you see and it sounded like it wasn't relevant to him the pain that sir ma'am I shouldn't say I'm a loop for Ava door miss was a sham of the fact that there are those that are desecrating a Shems name in other words you can look at a person you've seen doing a sin what do you see you see a sinner or you see a person who unfortunately has this issue and can't control himself and your end end and you see the pain and you and you relate and you empathize with the pain and the RepA says this is what's a car you didn't pick up on and that's the main reason why he was punished because as a leader dice as a leader as you have to have the the mindset you were given a power of leadership Authority smell the coffee realize what's going on here what's going on here the guys in pain so when he's holding it for you holding him how are you scolding him he's in pain relate to the pain that's what he says let's go further the necks of zealous hate therefore this was considered for the higher enough favourite transgression of hate leaves Gogol Kazan for such a great person come in sahaja trade God left there for you and I both said this wouldn't be a big deal but for a leader not to feel the pain of the people that's a very big dent a very big blemish it's a very big transgression supporters would say but ultimately because a leader must find within himself sure who needs first the oven had it that he is part grant he's grasped his part of the generation and if the generation is sitting in a certain area it's his problem as well over Mahler had a us his concise are you date super surely the leader will correct the problem of the generation and the issue through his own chuhwa illness that he will do to vote for himself because obviously if he hears about it he sees it it's something within him and you know I'm one in this is like what do you mean we have all this gentle identification nonsense going up now it's our issue the fact that the world is becoming cuckoo and crazy and and and the answer is it's our issue otherwise it wouldn't be in the world now sham would not send something into the world if it wasn't meant to be so obviously and I met them talking I'm saying besides the howl of the issues I told you my daughter no seven and Tel Aviv she told you once if this person comes into shul and gives me their hand I'm going to let them have it because they know that I know that they aren't a woman there a man and if you know I don't shake man my daughter doesn't shake men's men's hands so I don't care that you got yourself an operation as far as I'm concerned you're a man and you don't shake my hand and if you're gonna shake my hand and you know better she's told me clearly I'm gonna give it to you right I'm not talking about that I mean there's serious issues and what's our leaders and men young and counting people you know they say in 10 years or so some people will know they'll count to have a minion and really one person there's a female now joke converts marriages I mean it's just the beginning it's just the beginning what we're seeing now so I don't know how it's not you throw but here in America it's it's a big issue in the Orthodox world etc etc so but the point that I was making here is that if this issue comes to our awareness and realization it's a message and a lesson that we have to deal with it somehow and again not just Halawa Clee because that's of course for those that are involved in that but emotionally okay in my daughter's building another example tel aviv there were two gentlemen who you know were in a relationship and they wanted my son-in-law to you know teach their son for bar mitzvah then what do you do why is why is the son to blame he's a pure a pure pure a Jewish child from a Jewish mother you know we assume we I think that was the case the fact is that you know his parents are two men okay but on the other hand it's it's it's a breach if you if you do that for one you have to do it for another ten and it was an issue that he had to my son will have to discuss with rabid girl it's keep the head of the sbatch awoken in Tel Aviv who by the way ruled he should not do it because as ya know because as much as your heart wants to do it but there is the greater issue here that will come about which means that we are kind of sanctioning you know these type of relationships and what comes from it so as much as you want to do it personally this a greater global halacha Jewish issue that takes precedence over your personal feelings the same is true years ago going into a conservative sure shoe you know you know the rabbi's many conservative conservative acts they were you know why you trained other youtubers and they came and they get for deferred job purpose they they took a position in a conservative shoe now most refined steve brule by moistur ruled that if they do that they're those rep if any Orthodox rabbi does that he his tradition his see the officiating is invalid invalid because he identifies with a commitment that has that that says not all of Torah is eternal Mitsy cetera it's a ruling of the most refined steam from the fifties or sixties so personally one setting up personally you you you know you feel for the people but there's a greater hollowfication yes because it's not it's not bill is he saying and this is what my wife said we're validating if you were to go to the kidneys and whatever like make like everything is okay you know then the other hand well yeah yeah and and and there's ocean there's a difference by the way between a rabbit like my son-in-law who's a leader of a community sanctioning a do something or person you know like you and your wife who are private citizens in a way so that there is there I'm not sure that girl it's key or rabbis would would say that you're not you shouldn't do it if you asked me I would say that if as private people you should do it for example I was invited to a good friends son's wedding and it was in a tyrant park for tyrant up at the you know George Washington Bridge over there overlooking the water beautiful and there was a female a female rabbi officiating and of course I didn't want to go but and I spoke to a few big rub on them and they said if I sit in the back and I'm not too conspicuous so I didn't wear my hat for example and my wife and I went my wife together so you know no one knew who really I was I was like a private citizen and my friend wanted me gone I didn't want to go my friend was about to shove it it meant a lot to him and and he was against the two but what could he do his sons going on to the hop-up and this is what you know right my point being that yeah all of these things have to be taken into consideration so I wouldn't necessarily you know dismiss you know the fact that if there if there's something you and your wife or your family can contribute spiritually internalize you think by participating and it's in a a private kind of setting you're not coming there as you know the gap I have the Karabakh shul you coming there as a relative know that or whatever check with your rabbis but I would say there's more room for leniency guys have a great Shabbos it's Shabbos Valley area I'm going to the oh hell I'm leading the shop at Owen at the oil I'll have you all in mind Saiga's onct and only good things