Love & Friendship - Shmini Atzeres - [Archives]

There's a topic we've studied together many times that's on my mind right now. So I want to learn it with the camera for a few minutes and we have to get to say there but it's on my mind now so here goes. It's fascinating that a day on the calendar that in some way maybe more than I owe you maybe more than any other day on the calendar is a day of expression of Hashem's love of us of our tremendous tremendous connection to Hashem and that day is atzeres. She said day of cool of it you may stay one more day. It's the end there's the months the year of my Adam the my Adam go Pesach Sukkot. So at the end of the last my Adam we're done with my Adam and we go into a winter a period devoid my Adam but there's one more day of like the bits of Adam a day of you may I love you I love you I need you to stay I don't want to part tremendous tremendous day of love and on that day of supreme love is the most quiet day there are no meds with Shmini Atzeres has no meds with of course but the rest of Shmini Atzeres is a day devoid of meds with and it seems so strange on a day of supreme love I would think a meds with our way of connecting to Hashem a meds with our way of connecting to Hashem there should be some meds with we could like it's almost like Bachmann always complain the sideways hug that we don't know what to do is not fear to me. What do I do? Shemini Atzeret is like a sideways hug, but Hashem, why won't I hug you back? It's a sideways hug. Hashem, you love us. No. No mitzvahs. What's the pshat? >> [clears throat] >> There's a topic I discuss in Yeshiva a lot because the Western world Yeshiva is so messed up on this topic. Remarkably, remarkably just confused on this subject. As a society, maybe from the most confused subjects is this topic. So, I speak about it to the guys in Yeshiva a lot, and I want to talk about it here for a few minutes. A bochur's dating. So, we've discussed many times a trick, how he knows if the girl's good for him. We discuss silent compatibility. Now, I always have the 10th grade version of silent compatibility, but you're older than 10th graders. I want you to know the oimek. And the oimek is very, very important because this is probably from the most missing ingredients in a Western culture. Silent compatibility, of course, means that if you're dating a girl, if it's quiet and it's comfortable, it's a very good sign. When you're with somebody you don't like, or you're with somebody you don't know particularly, you guys bochurim get rides up to Yeshiva, from Yeshiva back. If you don't know the person and it's quiet, it's murderous. It's like awkward. There's a tension. I have a somebody I'm very close to who like always quickly falls asleep. Whether they're sleeping or not, they fall asleep. It's like there's a tension. It's quiet. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable. Today some people just put on headphones, all different tricks how to avoid that. But the in the silence there's something tense. Somebody you're close to, there's complete comfort in silence. You sit there mommish comfortable. Silent compatibility. The deeper vert to silent That's the the external vert. The deeper vert is as follows. There's something called tools of friendship and there's something called friendship. A handshake, a hug are tools of friendship. The purpose of tools of friendship is friendship itself. Tools of friendships over lay overrated. Tools of friendship are completely completely overrated topic, tools of friendship. Completely overrated, tools of friendship. Deeper than tools of friendship is friendship. Friendship's not overrated. Friendship's deep. The purpose of tools of friendship are for friendship. Silent compatibility means that you have friendship. Even when we're not speaking, even when the tools aren't there. Now speak. Of course you should speak. Nobody should Silent compatibility is not talking to his wife. Where kids talk in the car. Always be machazik with tools, but make sure you're producing friendship. A husband and wife to a secular person the shadow of the laws of neither. To a secular person they have such ridiculous understanding of periods when a husband and wife are taken away tools of friendship. And the secular person, this is so western, the bizarre western person who thinks the Icarus tools of friendship says, "Ah, keeps the tools of friendship exciting." The sugar in that's it. That's where the marriages go, not to very good places. The purpose is friendship, and we have periods every month of from Tyra Deca home where you remove tools of friendship because your Icarus focus is friendship. It's two people that are hold of each other, care about each other, trust each other, keep are are deeply interested in the benefit of the other one. Friendship. Friendship is the most profound feeling that you and I crave. It's fascinating when you hear guys speak last night of the year, what comes out the most more than anything in the world that plagues people is a feeling of loneliness. It's the deepest deepest craving of a human being for friendship. It's the deepest craving. And a human being feels a certain loneliness. He shouldn't be afraid of that. He's craving friendship. He's craving nafshi chola avasecha. I'm sick Hashem for connection to you. I want friendship, closeness. I don't want to be alone. That's a craving, the most profound craving. For many years, guys, I for many many years, I I I want to understand things. I would try to figure out. There's always in the group we have 200 guys in Yeshiva. In the group of 200, there are always two or three guys, four. One is always in that range, one to four guys, who crave having friends, and all other 198 guys run away from him. >> [clears throat] >> He's like clingy to a degree. If you become friends with him, your life's over. Like, you have to give too much. Everybody runs. And this guy's trying to get a friend. He goes around the Yeshiva. He's crazy, clingy, and craving a friend to a degree. He needs it so badly, everybody runs away. Cuz to be friends with him, you have to like give forfeit your life mamish. You You get owned and overwhelmed, and the natural instinct is you run away. And for many, many years, I was trying to figure out that guy. To help him, what can I give to him? And I know the behavior towards him has to be assertive. You have to be extra assertive, cuz if you're not assertive, the way he does friendship, you'll be a just another person who hates him. So, that person, you have to be extra, extra assertive to No, not now. No, I'm sorry. And that's for sure, but that doesn't solve him. That just solves that you can like him. You could be the rare person who likes him. If you're not assertive, you'll be joining the rest of the world who can't stand him. If you're very assertive, you'll be the rare person who actually likes him, cuz he doesn't eat you alive. But the question is, how do you resolve what he has? And what I have figured out about that guy is he incap- He doesn't hold his lovable. The guy himself doesn't feel lovable. If you don't feel lovable, you'll never feel the love of somebody else, which precludes you from friendship. He's addicted to tools of friendship and can't get friendship. He only has tools. That's all he has. A lot of Western society relates to this. I have seen people who are not capable of relationship become very, very driven. In the Western culture, there's a lot of disgusting things people are looking at. They're addicted to physical because they're missing what's much more deep and satisfying. They're missing friendship. So, tools of friendship and all its pretend things become become the focus of such a society devoid of friendship. Tools of friend Tools of friendship not It's It's just all shallow. Nothing satisfies. Tools of friendship never are satisfying. That guy you're so clingy you're friends with certain people and if you don't spend time you're still very close. Sammy and I don't get to spend much time together. He lives in Arizona. I promise we both feel deeply close. We fought together. We worked in the Yeshiva and we brought it. I want to spend We both want to spend more time. We still feel a deep closeness. You'll You'll even think you have some friends you spend less time than a guy you spend more and he doesn't feel anything. There's something called friendship. Two people who know there's a care for each other. There There's a appreciation of each other. That's friendship. Friendship is very not overrated. It's very satisfying, very very deep friendship. Somebody's in your Parents to their children are profoundly and and we can give our child friendship. Deep and profound friendship and relationship. Unequivocally, no question. No matter on your behavior. You can imagine When we speak about parents loving without without unconditional love you're giving friendship. Conditional love you didn't just steal sometimes you're angry at him. The kid doesn't walk around friendship. A lot of the loneliness of kids they didn't get a love from a parent that's deep. That they feel friendship. Just friendship. It's not I see guys even there guys who do something they're like worried. That's it. Maybe I mouth like that. No, it's not like that. It's not friendship. Friendship's not that is not fair weather. Friendship. That guy who's very clingy is addicted to tools of friendship because he can't feel friendship. The only real solution I told the guy in Yeshiva this year the only way you're craving friendship until you know you're lovable. He has to work on walks and learn he's lovable. Then he'll feel love from somebody else. Then he'll be shy to friendship. He will not be addicted to tools of friendship. It's a Gamara. What I'm saying is nothing short of a Gamara, but we're so don't take Gamara seriously enough. So we see Hazal and we tend to just We don't take what was being told. What I just said is a Gamara, nothing short. The Gamara says in Sukkah that there's an aiver acha, there's a limb on the body that must be a If you seek to satiate it, if you're always into that limb mar eva, you'll always be hungry. If you're into tools of friendship and that's it, that's what you look, you're always craving that, mar eva, you'll always be starving. But mar eva, if you don't always If you're not so into it, you're not you you don't always satisfy that, mas pi'a, you'll be satisfied. And that's precisely what the Gamara is expressing, that if you run after tools of friendship and that's all you want, you'll always be hungry. You'll never have enough because just it's not satisfying. Tools of friendship are not an end game. They're only a chitamsa to make friendship. Friendship is profound. Friendship is like We live for friendship. We live for for friendship for the deep deep sense of being close to somebody. We live for friendship. And that's the that's the ikri aside is that the Western world is is is going to sugar from tools of friendship devoid of devoid of devoid of friendship itself. So they're going to sugar for tools of friendship. We are craving friendship. Of course, they're tools to create friendship. To me it seems obvious that the day of greatest expression of love of Hashem in us, there are no mitzvahs silent compatibility. There are no mitzvahs the day of friendship. We had tools. We had seven days of Sukkot. We had a Pesach. We had We had Yom Tov and leading up with tools of friendship, but then there's a day itself, a quiet day Shemini Atzeret. You leave your Sukkot, put down your lulav and etrog, no no tools. It's just friendship. It's you and I friendship itself. No tools of friendship. Understand I love you. Understand I'm into you. Understand that I care about you. Friendship itself. That's all of us are striving a relationship for friendship itself. I think in a in a marriage to understand this, we're striving for friendship. Two people whose minds are on each other, two people who respect each other, two people who are there for each other profoundly. I'm there for you. I'm there for you. And profoundly there for you. I want to I want to say something about marriage. Akiva Walls and gives a share every Shabbos. He says some wonderful things. He says some wonderful things. He said something that He said something that I think that that I that that I he worded it in ways that I liked a lot. It's something that I have felt for a while. I want to share with you. I have asked guys I have asked guys for for for a long time. You married 10 years and in the middle of the night your wife asks you to get your medicine to get her medicine. She has a toothache. She says 3:00 in the morning get get me medicine. Why are you going? You heard the mercy in this question? Guys married 10 years and his wife wakes up in the middle of the saying, "I have a tooth ache. Could you get me medicine? Could you run to the pharmacy? It's a 15-minute drive. Pick up medicine and bring it home. Why are you going?" A Western man says, "Cuz I love her." It's the worst answer. It's the worst answer you can give in the world. Western and not A Western man says, "Cuz I love her." And he's so proud of his answer. Says, "I love her." They're not doing so well the Western marriage. He goes, "You know why you you go?" He goes, "You know why you're going to go? Cuz you're not a lawyer, cuz you promised. Cuz you made a kinyan at the chasna sheyva, ksuva, v'ina sala yigara. I committed. I committed. Cuz I committed. I made a kinyan. You're going to pick up You're going to do chalifin. You're going to make a kinyan. It's part of your ksuva that I'm going to take care of her physical and emotional needs, and I'm not a lawyer. And get it done. You promised to take care of her. It's nothing to do cuz you love her. You promised to take care of her. Sheyva. Now we sound so unromantic. The gishmak cuz he loves her, and the yid like the the Lakewooder us Lakewooders chazra. So us Lakewooders, why is he going? Cuz I made a kinyan. It's like It's real like romance is flying there. >> [laughter] >> So we sound pathetic. You're all You've been Westernized, and I want to tell you that we are producers of love, and they're observers of love. What if your wife asks you why you went? What do you tell her? Cuz I made a kinyan. I want to ex- I want to explain it. She could understand it, too. And I want to explain it that we are producers of love, they're reporters. In the Western world, if a guy says to a girl, "I love you," what I would recommend to her is run. Run fast. "I love you in the Western world means you make me feel good. It's like saying it's raining outside. I have no say. I love you means you make me feel That's what it means. You make me feel good. It's raining outside. And then they say you I don't love you anymore. The Western world I love you just means you make me feel good. And then one day they say I don't love you. You don't make me feel good. It's just not raining. They come so earnest. The Westerners come to the rub's house. This happened many times in all different versions. I just don't love her anymore. She just stopped raining. Shrug. So earnest. They're so sincere about it. They come like this couple we just fallen out of love with. Such a nice people. And they're like so innocent. Like they observe I just don't love her anymore. Shrug. Shrug. >> [laughter] >> They come like it's such a serious shock. What do you want? Like What What should I do? So they have the solution to the Western. You fell out of love. Okay. Gershon is that you're allowed to get divorced. So ends it. We I just don't love her anymore. That's what I love you means in their world. You're completely a reporter of something. It's a place where like like they come so earnest. Like I just don't love her anymore. Because they once observed love and now they observe no love. Shucks. Okay. It's never tragic they get divorced. In our world I love you means I'm committed to you no matter how you make me feel. That's what it means. I love you. I am committed to you no matter how you make me feel. That's what I love you means. We make a commitment. Shayna susa vinasala you got I'm committed to you. I love you when a Yid says it That's what he's saying to her. I am committed to you no matter how you make me feel. That's my commitment to you. By the way, we're creators of love. So, the guy three and what's he telling his wife? Of course, I'm committed. I'm in. I love you. But, I love you not the Western love. I'm a reporter of love. I've committed my love to you. Yeah, I've committed to you. It's not about I don't look into how I'm feeling. By the way, we create tremendous feelings. Of course, when you give, of course, we're not observers of love. We're creators of love. Shayna Tzoosav Enos Salai Yegara. Press the loose like that. We committed. What's wrong with you? You committed. What are you doing? You're still a liar. See your commitment inside? That's what it means. You committed to something. The difference in schools and yeshivas. This is when I call the school. I don't care. Do you know that you know people have it artificial? What's a Jewish song and goyish song? Like what song is a yarmulke? I don't know how you put yarmulke as gear. I don't know how it works. I have my own version of Jewish Is it Is that a Jewish song? The things people call Jewish that I think are The You know, everybody has this conservative view of what Jewish is also. I don't So, a school and a yeshiva, the difference to me of a school and a yeshiva is secular love is a school. I love you to a bachur. My commitment to V'shinantam L'vanacha. God said to teach banim. If the school is if you make us look good and feel good, we'll be good to you. If not, you're out. You're a secular school. You're public school. I don't care what type of yarmulke you wear. You're still not a yeshiva. A yeshiva is V'shinantam L'vanacha. I'm committed to you no matter how you make me feel and look. If you're a yeshiva, so then the commitment to the bachur you you took him in V'shinantam L'vanacha. He's now your ben. If you don't know what a ben is, okay. So, that's them. You have secular love. You're a public school. Public schools are places people study stuff, good stuff. Your public school has better subjects, better classes. The different ones. You have Talmud in your public school. That's not a yeshiva. The yeshiva machine and the house you're building. Hello. So I love you. You're I love you means my commitment to you is no matter how you make me feel and look and it's not about that. I've committed I've committed. That's what I love you and our world means. I have committed. When we live with this commitment, we have what's called friendship. We don't just have tools of friendship. You know somebody has a commitment to you. And is committed in that relationship is profound. There's somebody who's made a case committed committed to caring for me, committed to my success. There's somebody out there with a commitment to me. That's profound. That's deep. There's there's big shylock's Yes right. Yes right joins the Yidden. After the battle with Amalek, Yes right comes and joins the Yidden. After battle, he hears Krias Yam Suf. And Yes right doesn't come yet. We battle Amalek and Yes right comes. The war against Amalek was like I don't even know if it was a nice. You don't find specifically it was a miracle. We beat Amalek. Some some people attacked us. They even knew they would lose Amalek by the way. And we beat them back. In a six of we're actually a very confident nation. We had just gotten out of Egypt. We were really at a powerful state. The whole world was scared of us. Amalek attacked us. Seems like even Amalek knew they would lose and we beat them. And Amalek just wanted to show we're not untouchable. We beat the stuffings out of Amalek. Yes right comes and he joins the Jewish people. And a lot to bury Yes of Yes of Salant S. He saw he saw much bigger he saw Krias Yam Suf. That move him to join us. We beat Amalek and he's in. So much is written what about Amalek, why he came. There's a beautiful answer from the Be'er Yitzchak that I don't want to talk about now. What I want to say perhaps is in the relationship, okay, so they're excited about each other, Hashem and the Jewish people. Amalek came when we doubted Ayeka Hashem B'kirbenu Im Ayin. There was some Sefek Sefek. And they pulled through this relationship is permanent. It's not a fair-weather friend. He joined the Jewish people. This is not This is not one that is romance, that is I love you. It's not a secular I love you. Say that I'm into you. This is a different he saw in the relationship Hashem and us to come join. Yisrael had like the thoughts of Chachamim. Arayos Anoyim, he doesn't see the moment. Okay, so there's some excitement, romance. But he saw Klal Yisrael fell. Ayeka Hashem B'kirbenu, Amalek attacked. There was Rifui Yedeim, there was some Rishyon. There was some falling out in the relationship. And Hashem is with them. This relationship is not This is not built. This is not an I love you, you make me feel good. This is an I love you of commitment. Said I'm going to join that people. This is a connection that's lasting. There's a connection that's deep. This is not I love you, you make me feel good. This is an I love you, I'm committed to you. I have a commitment to you. I want to I wanted to share these couple of things that's on my mind and I think we're we're in a Western culture that has so many beautiful aspects. Beautiful aspects. And I dare say I'm not here I am to look the country and Hashem so kind to us. And each thing is what we need. Any observer of this country knows that it's bringing out by the yetzer haras, by the taivas, this country is announcing we crave connection. We crave relationship. So, we have to study it better. But, the country's at some announcement is a is a is a world that's craving something in a profound way. In a profound way. A bachur spoke to last night in Yeshiva. He described a lot of difficulties he went through. The place it was very, very moving speech. And he spoke beautifully about experience and traumas he went through. And he expressed, he had the courage to say I was looking for something. I was lonely and looking for something. Instead of just when a person's even looking at inappropriate things and just beating themselves up and try, of course they should stop because it's not giving them what they're looking for. But, that core that I'm looking for something is very good. Then, we have to study I'm looking for friendship. What is friendship? How do we acquire your friendship? I'm looking for that friendship, for that connection that a human being so desperately wants, so badly wants friendship and relationship. I think these two parts, these two suggios, there are many suggios in friendship. The two suggios of friendship, the commitment to the next person that's not totally how you feel. A lot of the guys who expressed loneliness, I think much of the commitments to them were not one of friendship. The commitment of friendship is I'm there no matter how you make me feel. That's what a parent is to his child and has to be to a child. It's this friendship is not That's it. That's I always tell parents don't go glo That's it. You've lost my trust. I'm disappointed in you. They're going like global. They're going like big picture. No, you did a stupid thing. Yell at the kid, but my friendship is not touch. I see the way guys respond when they do something wrong. They defy. So it's So it's over. It's over. What? I thought we had a friendship. By its nature, a friendship means when you make a mistake, it's not over. That's what friendship means by its nature. It's not over from a mistake. We have relationship. I'm going to share a word. I'm jumping around because my mind is jumping around right now, but I want to I want to There's a word I've shared with the guys, but it brings out relationship and connection, what it means. And by its nature, that's the real time of relationship and friendship when there's something your kid did that's not right. I got a call this summer. Wonderful parents who get it. Their kid was arrested this summer. How should their response be? I said, "Mama, what are you feeling?" I love my son. That's the This is the time not to There's a suggia enabling. All these things tell them all to be quiet. You feel ahava. You feel ahava. That was the >> [snorts] >> I told I've said we The kasha was asked in Sullam. And I want to share a different answer that a yid spoke from right there a little near with Shlomo's in the asked us a kasha, a beautiful kasha. And I would like to explain what I think the answer to his question is. The yid asked this halacha that if picture this and be visual, you have a flock Binyamin, you have a flock of sheep. Shmak. Sheep, somebody spoke this Shabbos. Sheep are very vulnerable. Sheep are remarkably vulnerable. Rabbi Braunstein said, "He's right." Sheep have no protection. Like every animal, it's interesting to think about the protection. Some animals are very fast. Some have a gishmak cake, a schmuck a bite. They have all different a little poison after something that me and Yisrael Meir are very into animals. Yisrael Meir could talk to you for a long time about it. For a long long time about it. The guy Yisrael The two best who know animals that I know of in my life are Yisrael Meir Kalish and Daniel Munchick. We were in my back I was I was in my dining room after the Yeshiva and Yeah, I'm not going to remember anything. I'm for sure not going to remember. I'm for sure not going to remember, but I'm just going this way anyway, but I'm not going to remember. I lost my book. What? Very good. Very good. Very good. So, I was in my Yeah. >> [laughter] >> I WAS >> [laughter] >> BUT, YOU CAN'T BLAME HE'S THE ONE WHO HE'S >> [laughter] >> IT'S EASY. JOHNNY SAYS WE WERE DOING GREAT. Me and Johnny were great, but we don't care where we end up. The verses want to ask to bring us back. He's the GPS of my hands. So, >> [laughter] >> We were in my kitchen and I look at out the window out the window and I saw a gorgeous after this man Hashem sent me a gift and there was a stunning yellow bird in my backyard. Stunning. It had like a black stripe and a gorgeous There are a lot of stunning birds in Connecticut. You notice right there the gorgeous birds. There are a lot of cardinals, blue jays that we've seen all the time, cardinals and blue jays. And there other They're just other They're very large birds, birds of prey. We have living in my backyard now for a while wild turkeys. They come this season. There's a There's a mom and dad and a whole bunch of little We saw the mom and Yisrael youth. And there there a lot of interesting animals, very cool birds of prey. There's cool Connecticut has a lot of birds. In my backyard the first time ever I see this gorgeous yellow bird. So I showed my family we all looked. Donny Munch was eating breakfast looks up says wow a finch. I was like everyone was like Donny you made that up. Like you don't that's not a finch. Yoel looks on his phone like shows everybody a finch a golden finch. The guy knew like if I'm I'm waiting now for the next 40 years to see it. I want to be with the group of guys and I want to just yawn here finch. >> [laughter] >> Like you're not letting know that's a finch you just not ever heard of a finch in my life. Now I saw when Donny Donny Munchik eating his cereal said finch. Yisroel Mayer admitted he didn't know that one. He caught Yisroel you can't catch Yisroel Mayer many animals but he was right it was a finch. The bottom line is here a guy has I remember now thanks to Vezi a guy a guy has a flock of sheep and sheep are very vulnerable. They don't have many ways to protect and they're very desirable to schmuck a lamb chop and very little way of protecting. And comes some some prey comes some prey some wolf and decimates the guy's flock of sheep. There's his parnassah and it decimates his flock of sheep. His flock is gone. I can't the frustration. Whoever read the book The Holy Woman knows that the Kramers these tzaddikim were farmers and at one point they were raising chickens and it was worth a lot of money and their whole I don't know if you call a flock of chickens we have to ask Yisroel Mayer or Donny Munchik. I don't know what you call a chevre a kvutzah of chickens is >> [laughter] >> but but whatever you call them a coop maybe like a chicken coop. Is it is the coop the structure or the hevra? >> [laughter] >> Okay, a hevra of chickens. >> [laughter] >> We're going to fact check this if as you today with Google you can't make things up guys. The kids are at Varmus is that she was very very upset the whole >> [laughter] >> The whole flock it's called the flock guys guys. The flock of the hevra of chickens were all decimated. She was very very devastated. So here a guy has a guy has a whole bunch of sheep it's his livelihood and they get decimated and what happened? He had a watchdog. And the watchdog was chasing a squirrel and ran like a mile chasing some squirrel got distracted cuz his trusty watchdog got distracted comes the wolf and decimated his flock. Shucks. What's the guy feeling emotionally? He wants to ring the neck of his watchdog. He wants to all he can think of doing He's seething. He's watching you ran after a squirrel. He's pulling out his hair like oh, no, you didn't. You ran after her a thing of of squirrels a squirrel and then then you let the wolf came. What does God say? Look at all of the sheep and I say I think you should take all the guy goes back all his sheep are all a bunch of treifas. They're all us to shach the meat. I think you should feed it to the dog because it was a type cuz he watched for 10 years. He did a good job. That's not what you're feeling. And I say says I say and says I say I say I say gratitude Gratitude. He was a watchdog. It's time for gratitude. Ask this rab who spoke here. He said, "Gratitude? You're smoking mad." What do you mean gratitude to the dog? What I think the answer is gratitude creates relationship. I'm appreciative. And I think the answer is that the time what shows your gratitude is when it withstands stuff. That there's a There's something built here. I'm appreciative. I owe you. I'm committed to you. The time The question of your gratitude is what can it withstand? Everybody says thank you. Say thank you. Not say thank you. Oh, pay, have a sense of responsibility towards. The gratitude first he watched for 10 years. I'm so appreciative. I'm so appreciative. The question on your appreciation is what happens when when he messes up. That's the question of the commitment towards. That's the question. Do you really have gratitude and appreciation? They messed up. When you have no relationship, when you just have tools, the feelings of the moment, so they messed up. Now I'm mad. Now's the time for gratitude. When you're angry at mom, when mom messed up, quote unquote. Now is the time for gratitude. This is This is the question of your gratitude. Do you have relationship here? Yes, something was different. Yes, they messed up. Now is the question of gratitude. The calf to throw it to the dog. This is the time. This is the question of your gratitude. If you know about narcissism, they one of the main things they have no gratitude. And if mom messes up, it's like they're livid. It's weird. You're behaving weirdly. She's done a lot for you. But there's no build-up of gratitude. They say thank you. I'm so appreciative. Thank But it's liquor that there's never a build-up of gratitude. There's no sense that I What do you mean what what the person did for you? And Hashem says the gratitude to the dog specifically is expressed when the dog messed up. That's the time that shows you have something that's permanent. It's not a love and an appreciation that that that that can't withstand an attack of a wolf. Yeah, they messed up and a wolf attack. Now is the time that there's gratitude, but there's appreciation, but there's commitment towards So these are the the real tuna codas that I wanted to share today is that we're striving for friendship. Don't be like Don't get confused from the Western world that wants friendship. Don't ever mix up tools of friendship and friendship. Tools of friendship are wonderful, but they're meant for friendship. Tools of friendship minus friendship is overrated, not important, temporary, unsatisfying, very finite. Friendship is eternal. Friendship lives. Friendship endures. We're striving for friendship. All that All that we're striving for when you marry your girls that you have friendship. Of course they're tools. Of course they're tools meant to use good conversation and much conversation and time spent. These are all very important tools, but the goal is two people who obviously firmly they're in friendship. The second point that I wanted to make is what it means the commitments of friendship. I love you. I love you commitments. Commitments that create friendship, that create love. We have the capacity to create love, to create the connections. I love you by the secular just observation. They're observers of feelings. It's raining, I love you. Literally, in the Western world, a boy says to a girl girl says, "Why I love you?" Just run away. Cuz you All their songs that you notice guy your songs end with frustrated love. It never works. They can't like it They can't understand it. She broke my heart. I broke his heart. Who the hell knows? It never works. Because they're not They're just observers of I have news for you. You know in 30 days, 6 months, there's going to be other feelings. They can't like come to terms cuz just I love you and then I don't. She loved me and then she didn't. It's just They're just observers of and thus the endings are what their endings are. We are not observers. We are people that have the capacity creators of. And so the term I love you by us means something different than by them, much. By us, 3:00 in the morning and the guy says to his wife, "What's say? I'm Yeah, of course I'm committed to you." That's a deeply good feel. "Are you committed to me?" It's not It's not an emotional what it what it's making me feel this minute. This I So if if you wanted to sound a little don't six, I made a canyon. I have a commitment to you. I have a commit I'm committed. That's a deep That's a tremendous feeling for any sophisticated person the other one is committed to me. That's the deepest any intelligent person the our world, our Lakewood world of I'm committed to you versus the secular world of I love you. I I love you of the secular world is shallow and ridiculous. No disconnected to the person themselves. It's not not not No shaikh is the person themselves. It's an emotional some reactor that went off in the brain. By us, I'm committed to you is very much connected to me. I'm committed. You have to means I have a commitment to you. By the way, when you take a bachur into a yeshiva, The line has to be to yourself. The second you say yes to the bachur, you return the call, I'm taking you, it means I am committed to you. I Ish Shanah you're my ben, I'm committed to you. If it's it's coming well, if you don't make me feel that you don't make us look at you're out. Is that I thought he was your ben. I thought he was your ben. Oh, he's not your ben anymore. You have a funny version of Anacha. Very fascinating version of Ish Shanah Anacha. If you decided this is your ben, he's your ben. Your ben means you're committed. Let's get about this what I wanted to share. Let's get Rabbi Seid to first say You've just experienced another Torah class [music] brought to you by torahanytime.com.