Living with Shaar HaBitachon - Mrs. Jen Airley

I'll give a little background to how we got to learning the safer. Um, essentially when war broke out and um, my binyamin was sent off to Gaza. So, Binyamin's in his uh, in his se in his group in his team. So, there are a few English-speaking mothers. Um, two of them that I'm friends with. One of them is Binyamin's commander's mother. And so as war broke out, the commander's mother and others were just uh really struggling as all of us were. And um but the commander's mother, I think, was having the hardest time just feeling like an extra level of responsibility, which obviously had nothing to do with her, but she felt that. And that's also her personality. and she was just really struggling as we all were and then um I just said yala so let's let's learn together and so right probably by the next couple of days we did we started learning shi together uh our little WhatsApp group is actually called 8 at 8 shi ton that we would learn 8 minutes just you know cuz how do you like know when to stop so we just said 8 minutes at 8:00 at night and obviously I had in mind you know and whatever but that was how shon in our little world um came about and so we were learning for a few weeks and then um and it was doing us a lot of good. Uh thank you so much. It was doing us all a lot of good just to channel all of our nervous energies and our painful energies all into something that we felt was a little more constructive. And then 6 weeks into war, Arabin Yemen was killed in Gaza. And then the crazy part was that I at the Leva I really it was a very conscious decision to speak. I could have not and uh and I had all the reason to say I'm not going to and it's fine and I is um but I um I guess I was speaking and I made a comment how we're learning like we're learning about we're learning shi um to which the next I found out afterwards there were no copies of shihon in all of Ver she after that um people had started learning was safer And um and then um a few weeks later, maybe a few months later, maybe um somebody comes to my house and we got all sorts of gifts. It's so sweet. Amro wants to keep doing I have to find place in my home for like little gifts that people bring. But this lady came over with a bag and I I just I was still in like the parking lot. I just came home and she's holding this like brown paper bag and she's like, "Hi, I my cousin, you know, I guess sent me something to give to you." And I said, "What?" You know, now when somebody hands you a brown paper bag, you're like, do you open it? Like, not I didn't know what to do. Um, I decided to open the bag. And inside were five copies of Shi. So, I said, "Why? Why are you sending this to me? Why is he sending this to me?" And he she said, "Uh, no. My cousin just he and when he hears of families that are going through this, he this is what he gives." I was like, "Does he know that like there are no copies in this whole area?" She's like, "I I don't know anything." Okay. So, I asked for his number. He called me before I even called him. And I'm like, "How are so nice to meet you?" He's from Canada and he prints these. And he's like, "So, I just hand them out." I'm like, "But do you do you know I like we learned this and I share about this?" And he's like and I and there are no copies in the whole area. And she's he's like, "So then should I get send you a 100 copies? Like how many do you want?" I'm like I'm like, "I don't know 100 people. Like I don't know, you know." I said, "Just 20." He's like, "I'll send you 50." And then wherever I would go, I'd bring them with me. Even like put stickers in them for binyamin. And wherever I would go, I would then I see somebody struggling, I bring them. I don't know. I sh I share about it. I talk about I was in all my journeys and all around America and where and and I I literally give them to people for those who are ready to learn it. Um he subsequently just gave me another 100 copies and um and we're we're and it's unbelievable. And and that's how I got here. um with Shi Ton um it also I feel I feel it's been a lifesaver um I share beforehands before Binyam like Hashem and I were good buddies beforehand I had the kesha with him before and I counted on him before and we always had conversations like can you just let the kala come out good and can you just you know help me find my other shoe can you help me whatever like you know um but obviously it's taken on um another deeper meaning of our relationship. Um I was just uh I was just I I now also do downstairs with the girls and as I was um with the program and I was explaining to them so we're not going to go through the intro even though the introduction of any safer is probably more priceless than the book itself but um but it's a very long introduction which is why you should be doing this on your own. um get homework at this age. Um but um but what he does discuss the main my personal main takeaway really is the serenity that comes along with trusting in Hashem. Uh just a a typical example mash no today we're yesterday we started this whole cause match events for uh Byamin and um we're fundraising and you know and everyone's on my case Jen you have to call and you have to speak to this donor and you have to call this ambassador and make sure and make sure and I'm like okay I'll do it like but we're only at 50% of our goal okay like it'll I have to make the calls I have to do I have to send the messages but if Hashem wants to He's going to do it. If he wants to give the funding, he's going to do it. If he doesn't want it, I can make all the calls in the world. It's not going to make a difference. I have to make the calls. But I'm not stressing. I'm not worrying. It doesn't help. If Hashem wants it, it'll be. If he doesn't want it, it won't be with all the efforts in the world that I can put into this. This is just one example. Yeah. Here, I'm going to give you another example. There there are there loads um another example. Yeah. Here I'll give you this on Shabasim. We collect kalas that um people make kalas anyway you're making kalas and anyway then we so I collect them. I have all these drop places around and then um they get delivered to um a a central location that single moms come and pick them up. And we make a hundred, sometimes 200, sometimes only 50 kalas. And this is what gets then the idea is that then they're put in, you know, they're they're wrapped pretty, they look like they're gifts. And then they, you know, the kids are like, "Wow, we got a gift for Shabas." And it's a and it makes Okay. So one time I got a um a lady calls me now. Let's say deliveries. Let's say they they're picked up like at 1:00 p.m. Yeah. We bring them over. So, at about 2:30, somebody calls me and she says, "I have my six kalas I want to bring over to you." I'm like, I I delivered them already. Like, what what am I supposed um and I made a very big mistake, one that I will never let, you know, I I forgive myself, but because it makes a good story, but one that I learned a major lesson from. What should I have said? Like, yeah, let me sure. Let me have them. next I'll put them in my freezer. And silly Jen said, "I'm sorry. I delivered them already." And she's like, "No worries. You know, I'll I'll take care of it." And she called me about 20 minutes later. I had obviously learned my lesson. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I realized, but she called me about 20 minutes later to say, "Don't worry. I found a place for them to go. I'm going to bring them up to dov and I got an address. It's the same place I bring the kalas to. was the greatest lesson because it's going to get where it needs to go. I lost the opportunity to be part of the process. I missed out. But it all everything is going to get where they have to go and the money is going to get to be what who's going to be the person to donate up to them. But that's not up to me. I'm I I And that was my greatest kala lesson. Um, and yes, so this shabas, it happened to be the same person, our last shabas, brought them over very late, and they're in my freezer. And they'll go next time. And we said, "Thank you very much." with a big smile. Um, this is the serenity, the tranquility that comes along with understanding that Hashem knows what's best. So um it's going to be a little hard without everybody having theirs but beside there um first of all this is not going to be a saliloquy it will be interactive and I'm very happy for people to be part express share stories examples ideas insights um I made that clear from the beginning um when I agreed to do this that this was going to be mutual a little hard to do mutual when you don't have the book in front of you I understand but Um, can I say I can hear distracts the microphone behind Do you hear the microphone? No, no, no. Just I hope I'm watching my videos. I'm trying. Thank you. Um, I was like, "Oh, maybe I should cover it up." But thank you. Um, yeah, I'm still new to all this. Okay. So, um the introduction is is really giant and it's really great and it just really talks about just feeling independent, feeling financially free, feeling always happy, feeling serenity, feeling complete calmness inside, and happiness inside because yes, when you when you please God, we'll get to the place where you can say we've mastered it on whatever level we can. It is that um and obviously this is those who know me know that this is this is the life I live. This is the life I've known. Um obviously losing a child. In fact, just today just just today we had a um we had a major flood in our house a few um few weeks ago now. And um so they keep I don't know they keep sending more people to check on it as opposed to saying we're going to start fixing it. I don't know. There's another Shamai and another Kablan and another and another through the insurance like new just bring a worker already and start but okay and um so uh so another Kablan through the insurance came to the house today and he comes to the door and he sees pictures of Minyammen like you know the bumper stickers and you know that and he sees that on the door and he uh he kind of froze dead in his spot. Um and then he comes and he uh he was He was he said at one point he literally said to me, "I feel like I'm just off balance. I need to His son was um severely wounded in a Yam soldier um Benalia Tali for he's in rehab and uh by a sniper and um and he um enjoy and um So, as I'm talking to him and I'm just, you know, he's apologizing and he's feeling bad and he's shooken shaken up of of just trying to and I'm like, "No, no, there's a plan." No, we have to this and we have to I'm like, "There's a plan. Byam's part of the plan." and all the soldiers and even your son and everybody ding for your son. They're all part of something bigger and I just thought like bite this is my life. Like I don't think that it's necessarily strong. I think it's just understanding that Hashem has a plan and he couldn't get over that I wasn't and the army this and they have to keep fighting and they will because that's Hashem's plan. It it'll happen and we're going to get rid of the rish in the world and init and all when are we going to see that this is all for the good but it will but to him he just couldn't understand like he just wanted I I saw he didn't want to leave he just needed to like be in that place that of a calmness um and that I think is um and I'll just share one other piece Trusting in Hashem is not a copout. Trusting in Hashem is not saying I don't have to take care of things. I don't have to worry or because I trust in Hashem it means that you it it's a it's avid situation like because things are difficult now I'm going to turn to Hashem. No. No. We're turning to Hashem because we understand that this is Hashem's plan and the difficulty is part of it. meaning I'm not saying because my life is hard now I'm going to just sherk it on to Hashem and not own it up myself. Um we're you know we'll get into it a little more. I'm going to it'll it'll all come clear soon. Um okay. How are we going to do this when you don't have your own? That is a good question. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to put this out here. What is a definition of yala? Here goes the interactive bit. Okay. That's the literal word. What does that mean? Um, let me ask you this. What's the difference between amuna and bahon? Faith and trust. Trust is faith. I think it's actually the opposite. I think amuna is really um is faith and is actually trust. Okay. But what's the difference between the two? I feel like trust is much more like tangible, practical. Faith feels more broad and abstract, right? I have faith. I I believe that Hashem runs the world. I believe Hashem is omnipotent and omnipresent and he's completely capable and all the right all the 13 principles of faith. I believe that. But so say it again is like I know that it's gonna happen in this situation and this situation and that situation is actually making it uh depend not on here um depending on it in a physical way. So if it's happening with the muscle technically like that you're like strengthening all the time and is like just a general thing that like we believe but this often is what we have to like strengthen every day. I mean we have to strengthen our as well but the is am I going to act on how much I believe in hashem okay the practical application yeah yeah yeah into action right I can say hashem is uh yeah somebody other people had insights and anything different so there are also other from little other innuendos that uh yeah so I think we talk about is what you call let go of my god but I don't know how that works I know that that's what you mean I just don't know what that means so that's what we're going to get to how do you do that how do you do that right how do you actually let go of God right so the the then the amuna behind that is I know God I I know I should trust in him because I know he's capable but then to actually let go Um I think the the nival just describes it a little differently and he says we're as amuna is understanding Hashem created the world. Hashem is is is really in charge of everything but is that he's in charge of me right? That there's the Hashem and then that I took you out. I did this all for you. It's not just I created the world for every being under the sun, but now I'm doing this actually for you. I'm not just in charge of everyone. I'm actually in charge of you. I'm running your show. Okay. So again, it's personalizing it knowing that Allah, right, is really watching over me. Um, anything else? Okay, so that's the general intro understanding of the concept. Um so when he opens up his safer then he then goes through I this is one of my favorite parts. So, first he opens up with just very general concepts about faith and about what does it means to trust someone. And then we're going to go through seven principles of what it means to trust in someone. And then you're going to realize that you need all seven qualities to trust into that person with complete, you know, trust. Sometimes, you know, when I uh during the war uh during when Binyammen was in Aza and I was like, you know, you have a hard time falling asleep at night because your brain is conjuring up. And I would literally like the only thing that would give me any comfort was picturing that I was literally like a baby in Hashem's arms like Hashem's just like holding me and like you know like I got you. I'm holding you. That was the only thing that would that would calm me. um just literally visualizing Hashem's just cocooning and you know swaddling me and and um and that's that's the idea though of just really understanding or amun I should is both understanding he's completely taking care but he builds the case in the most gorgeous way and he says before we talk about Hashem Let's let's talk about what it means to trust someone. And now he's going to build the case with seven principles of how we're going to depend on that person and can that person come through with that. Right? Is there a person that is like that with having all seven principles? And you'll see some of them you're like, "Oh yeah, you know, my parent, my mom, you know, she takes care of me like that or she makes the best food and she knows what I want and uh but all of them combine. There's no physical being that can do that. And then it's approving in a very methodical way of ah but Hashem can. Okay. So we'll start um going through I'll just I guess briefly say them outside but please go by next time. Um we'll do some inside because his writing is uh is great. Um okay so he talks about the first of the seven qualities one that in order to trust somebody the first factor is um that you have to have that that person that friend must have the traits of compassion of empathy and love. Okay, we can probably find that in a person. Um and knowing that that person will completely you will have complete peace of mind knowing that that person whatever when you trust them with whatever matters they are treating you with all the compassion all the empathy and the love. Okay, I we we hopefully hopefully all have at least one of those people in our lives, if not more, the Seda. But then he goes on to number two um 46. But then he talks about that if he even though he wants to take care of you because he wants to give you things because he loves you. He is compassion. He wants to shower you with whatever. Well, is that person um going to be able to fulfill those wishes? Is he going to be lazy and taking care of those things for you? Is he always going to be diligent in taking those taking care of those things? um that one. So we know he has to have great compassion and he has to have attentiveness to all the matters that you will need that he can count on that you can count on. Okay ma still possible to find that in a person. Yes. But now we get to number three. Number three is talking about that he has to be strong enough that nothing will stop him from fulfilling the request that he has to be one who is physically strong enough and emotionally strong enough. Um and he will not lack the means to take care of anything that you need. possible still getting a little more challenging is that person I I remember [Music] um I don't know if I should say this publicly probably not will say okay I'll say it like this I love my husband I do he's not the strongest person kilo like still he's not that's not beyammen was I counted on beyammen more than I counted on my husband for many things. He was skillful. He was creative and but he physically able to do things much more than my husband. We would go on hikes and beam be the one pulling up and helping everybody out. My husband couldn't bes which is fine but I counted on Beyamin for that but did he always have the compassion? No. So it's like take care of it yourself. Um but he was physically able to. So, okay, we're starting to see already like is it possible that everybody can have everything? But here we get to the fourth one. Um, which is actually my favorite one. Let me just do the Hebrew because it's really no moment. [Music] Um, I'll do it in English. I'm just going to read this and then I'll explain. The fourth factor, the one who is being trusted knows. Actually, somebody else has the book. You can also read. No. Okay, go for it. The fourth factor, the one who is being trusted knows which things will be of true benefit to the one who is trusting in him and and that which is good for the trusting one will not be hidden from him. Knowing what is for his benefit in concealed matters just like in revealed matter and he knows how to create a situation that will be for his good. So I mean the next part is also but does a person always know what's actually good for you? You know there was a there was like a reality TV show that was in England. I remember like um I mean I don't know where they else they have but where they like come and remodel the homes of like people who were so poor, right? What they have it in the states. They have the space and they come and they like make it like all the dream kitchen and they and new beds and new carpet and new and it's and they're so excited because they just got this like gorgeous new house that like their dream home. They have no money to maintain it. They don't even like they can't keep it and everything starts falling apart. They don't have the ability. So they thought they were doing good for that person, but then they caused more depression because it was more painful to realize, I had it. I tasted it and I can't even keep it. Sometimes we think we're go doing something so good and we're helping somebody and it's not necessarily what's best for them or we're showing them some tough love. We're not giving them. I mean, as parents, we can relate to this. The children think that. But why? Why? Why? You hate me. You don't like me. you don't. No, no, I'm doing it cuz it's what's best for you. Understanding what's in the person's real best interest is not necessarily what is in front of our eyes. Not many people have the ability to really do that, to know what is best for that person ultimately. This is going to come up a lot later. I'm going to I'm going to actually jump to that because it's such such a deep lesson and um I feel like I have like serenade now. I don't know. I'm going to talk different. I'm going to talk slower. Um, this is actually I think in my eyes this is probably one of the most important ones. Um, because we think we know what's even best for ourselves, right? Like we think we have to get what we want and uh and that's not always the case. And again, it's easier for us to see this in children. I had one time a very close friend um was doing everything for her very sick sister um spiritually. Yeah. She started every nishmat group, every thing and every group and she was literally doing so much and she is learning from like she literally had hundreds if not thousands of people rallying up and doing something for her sister. her sister didn't make it and she died and all I can think of is do you know how much you've done for your sister in the bigger picture do you understand how much you've done for Amisro how many hundreds of people are learning and saying to him I'm working on those improvements and so she didn't get what she thought was the right outcome I has this but look how many people have been doing so much because of her sister. I say the same thing about Byam. We can say the same thing about so many different things. It's so it's a hard reality to swallow. It's a very hard pill to swallow. But when you're understanding that there's someone out there that understands that there's a bigger picture and really knows what's best, not just in this world, but in Haba also, how much was done for her sister Beth in Olmhaba? How much she raised her? It's a very hard concept to understand, but I just I'm I'm jumping the gun plenty. But it's just something that I just needed to already like this is where we're heading with all this. When you understand that this person who obviously doesn't exist as a person, but as a Hashem is someone who can understand what's actually needed for us in the bigger picture is a really um big key. Yeah. Just like like with the VBA bus kids, we were all everyone was hoping and everyone was praying and you know like it was like a worldwide thing and then you know in the end they weren't around but like all the daming that came out of that. So it's I mean every I think everyone can understand that totally was a big thing. We can but to actually understand it as good we have to get to we can all understand it. We can all see the good that comes out of so many of these situations, but to have the amuna and to understand that there's this bigger process and this bigger picture and it caused good not do you know what I'm saying? Like it's Yeah. What do you think is the balance between like accepting love and faith and like a holy place of like turning to saying like no the world is supposed to look like this? Um, so we're going to get to that and that's awesome. Um, there's so much I have to say on that. I I you know what I'm going to answer that for like on because I don't want to wait until we get it in I think perk rev or something. So yeah. Wait, did you have something? Um, just something to add. Don't all these things like in a relationship grow with time? Like I'm saying I'm not a mother, but I'm saying from my relationship with my mom. I'm saying from when someone was born to me now, all these things have to go through the time. It's not instant. I'm saying all these things can come. But just it doesn't come on its own. This is where the muscle comes in, right? That's what she was talking about. You have to work on this cuz we can all say like STEM. It just happens. Like we're already at this point. Everyone in this room has a certain level. That's why you're here cuz you want to invest in your amuna. It's easy to not see it. We can I know people who like literally think everything as mikra. It just happened to be that you know all the rockets you know and you can see it that way or you can understand that no no there's actually someone running the show and reonam but it's it's investments um and it is time and it does take work and it is a process and sometimes the process can go faster and sometimes slower but um what you were saying you know They say about piano. No, I'm joking. Um, they say about Yeah. So, I remember I cannot remember who said this, but the idea is that Sarah, she didn't have to die. We say that like after you know her went out she couldn't you know and one idea that I heard was Sarah saying to Hashem listen I know he's making it I understand I got the going to make it Hashem I'm going to die because I want you to Hashem to understand that sometimes you give that are too big I'm giving myself cuz you have to understand Hashem you can't do this to to mothers. Wasn't that like a crazy vort sometimes she was saying sometimes Hashem don't give too hard again a it was one perish and b it's an idea but how much holy kutzbah do we have to have I think hashem wants us to ask and beg and plead he doesn't want us to take everything like okay so you know you want to send the rocket great I'm just going to go and enjoy my lunch no no no no say your davin hashem save us Meaning we can't just take everything and just say z whatever is going to be and even with the trust me I'm dominating the cause match is successful meaning I'm not just saying like I'm going to do my hashm you wanted to we have to yeah and I think that sometimes it's those cries that come out at that moment that actually bring Yeshua I I sometimes I think I'm like too sweet and gentle like whatever you want to take my kid. No, maybe if I would have like fought it. I'm not saying it would have changed reality. I'm just saying he needs these people also. We have to have a for a reason. Yeah. You know has a great story. You know, she has when her kid was in Gan. Yeah. So, she got a call to the school was being and so she goes to her to the Ghana. She's called in and uh and so so she says uh okay he's being like and then it's like you know called her in to a parent teacher and she's like okay she's like it's good it's good to have some first of all can you imagine that if we didn't have any would we still be holding on to Msiah coming would we have the to wait we would have given up if we have to fight for things and we have to not fight you know with our laying down and uh and sometimes we have to just understand I got it when and where and how and how much he gets to it a little bit not so much but uh hopefully we'll get to some of that I don't know what time what giveouts um five six and seven should we do quickly I'll do 56 and seven quickly Um because next week I really want to go on. I don't know how many weeks this is but okay whatever. [Music] Um okay number five is talking about the fact that so we said has to be compassion has to be capable and not lazy about it. Has to be strong and physically able to do it. Not lacking the means to you know I want to be able to buy you a house but I I don't have the means to. No. No. So Hashem is strong, physical, capable, able. And then um and the fourth one we said that understands which when it's good and when it's not good what situ when the situation needs what. And then the fifth one is saying somebody who can watch over you from the time you were in utero all nine months to baby to adult to to teenage to adult to grandparents. Somebody who's able to understand you from all the stages in your life. Go find that person again. Appearance. Yeah. A parent is there for some of that but not all that. What happens when you know I'm a grandparents myself have everyone should my parents should live well until 120 but there's a reality they're not there um uh you know until the end. The sixth one is one who um yeah um this one is a cute one. I use this as an example of like to to protect from any harm. Yeah. That's why we can say with a kid, I'm going to lock the kid in the room and make sure nobody is mean to him and nobody hurts him and uh and that's how we're going to protect them from harm. It's not so realistic, but Hashem can do that without locking us in a room. Sometimes, you know, we don't even realize again we're doubting, we're thanking Hashem, he's saving us all the time. We're not even aware of probably 99% of the times he's saving us. This one didn't drive into this. This you didn't fall when this. You could have tripped down that stair and you could have choked on that food and you could have and that blood cell could have got stuck over here and that we 99 probably over 99% of the time we don't even realize how much Hashem is saving us. But um without having to lock us in a room and keep us safe from harm in in you know tied to a chain in order to keep us from doing things that would be harmful. Um and the seventh one is that um which is so gorgeous is that Hashem knows how to give. One who's being tr uh the one who is being trusted is extremely generous and kind both both towards those who are deserving of his kindness as well as those who are not deserving of his kindness. Hashem knows, you know, how many times do we say, "Okay, really, Hashem, today I'm going to be a good girl." And he'll still treat us with compassion and kindness and do all the things for us, giving us that second chance or third chance or 177th chance today. Um, but he has the ability to understand um how to balance his or how to have the continuous kindness never ending and uninterrupted. So to find somebody who has all seven of these traits, um if we wanted to live with a life of peace and serenity and inner happiness and find that one person or find even multiple people who can be those people and take care of every need of ours at any hour and be fully able to have all the means to do it, have all the sympathy, empathy, and compassion to do everything and know what's really best for us in the big picture and know what's good for us, what's healthy for us. Is there that person? Who can we trust? Who can we count on? Who's able to do that? He's known us from our infancy, from from before Afilo until the day we die. He understands every cell in our body. He makes it all happen. He knows which medicine is good, which one isn't, when we are in danger and when we're not. Am I? And when you realize that, you're ready to say, "Yah, Hashem, I'm in your hands." You know, I'm I'm completely trusting that whatever happens today is the way you see as best for me. And that's our introduction to Hashem. Next week, we'll go into the next stages of peace and serenity through life of living. [Music] [Applause]