Living With Emunah (Part 168): Not a Checklist, a Relationship

good morning Boer to and welcome back to living with amuna so grad you're uh joining us again as we have our little support group to reinforce what we already know which is that Hashem is involved in our life not only involved he's running our life and that the more that we welcome him the more we defer to him the more that we have a relationship with him the happier the better the healthier Our Lives get and we just need to reinforce that message to ourselves at least each and every Wednesday morning I want to thank our generous sponsors for the year Dr zavi and Bella Morgan in memory of RAB Dr Brian galet and in memory of Bella's mother Dr Ellen shanzer thank you so much for your sponsorship we don't take it for granted truly appreciate it also want to thank this morning sponsor for the class this morning EST and Mike Lupin and this for's father my friend Mas should have a speedy and a painless and a full ra a speedy and a painless and a full recovery if you'd like to sponsor a future episode or Shear you can contact Lee BRS online.org GS online.org okay good morning we are back to this amazing safer that we have begun called Morganstern a phenomenal safer and we've been studying the chapter onus the message of clinging to God gluing ourselves to God attaching ourselves to God putting our destiny in the hands of God and the more that we let go and let God the more that we realize we're not in control and we're not in charge in fact by forfeiting our control sub mitting and surrendering it's not that we become more unhappy we find greater happiness that doesn't mean that we don't take responsibility we take extreme ownership of Our Lives it doesn't mean we sit on the couch and expect the livelihood to flow in from Heaven it doesn't mean that we don't go to the doctor but miraculously expect to get better we have to take our initiative we have to do what we need to do but after we've done it we see the place of Hashem we relate to we submit we surrender that he is in charge that he is in control I posted yesterday there was a map by The Weather Service of the tropical storm that hit us the other day that's now formed into a hurricane and apparently is coming back to Florida North of us but we of course pray for everyone to be healthy and well and uh if you looked at that map the spaghetti map the strings basically they were going in every single possible Direction they might as well have put out a message that says we know nothing we can predict nothing we know nothing we're useless we're worthless and we just we give up we hereby retire here's our resignation thank than you for having us and I don't mean to rank on meteorologists or weather people they're doing the best that they can but between the pollsters who got it all wrong with the election and the weather people meteorology people who can't tell us literally what direction a tropical storm is coming in 2020 is the year of modesty humility and giving up control 2020 is the year of surrendering to think that we know or we can anticipate or we can predict or we can be in control if anything we have to submit and surrender to God with the great sense of modesty that hasm we don't know what you have planned for us next we don't know what's coming next this has been the most insane year and hopefully it doesn't even get more insane Beyond this and that shouldn't depress us it should Inspire us to realize that we take our initiative that we do what we can that we have to be responsible and take ownership in our own lives but once we've done that let go and let God he's in charge he's in control we spoke about Deus as the notion of knowing god is no he's opposite us and last time we spoke at length that the relationship with hem should be a relationship like a healthy marriage a loving marriage where you don't only have the status of being married when you're physically in the same room you're married whenever and wherever you go that you don't only think about the person while you're talking to them you think about them throughout your day what you want to communicate to them what you want to share with them how you want to experience life with them the ideal marriage the ideal relationship and we sometimes forget that a relationship with God is like other relationships in our lives as UPS it has Downs it has closeness and it has distance it has richness and longing and love and it has times where we feel frustrated or disappointed but like a healthiest marriage it's not a relationship we only have when we're in sh it's not a relationship we only have when we're listening to a class it's not a relationship we only have when we're in the base medish the study hall the relationship with God permeates every aspect and every fiber of our being it's with us whenever and wherever it's with us at the gym at work in the supermarket and at home not just in holy places because we're dovic we're clinging we glue we attach we stick ourselves to him and then we feel his presence throughout our life and that enriches our life it gives us a greater sense of confidence of strength of Courage of comfort of Peace of Serenity and therefore the greatest beneficiary of a life of Amun of a life of faith is in fact ourselves the one who achieved this we spoke about it yesterday in the par year with SAR IMU our great matriarch Sarah which describes kova all 127 of her years of her life they were all equal and defined for the good what does that mean our life was riddled with challenges and problems how could you possibly say it was for the good so we shared yesterday from the Reb abusa who himself emulated this in his own life we've told that story before if you go with an attitude that there's a God and I surrender to him and whatever is happening is what's meant to be and it somehow is the best for me it doesn't mean it's not painful doesn't mean it's not frustrating doesn't mean it's not difficult but somehow it is what's best for me if for going with an attitude like that then then everything is for the good okay picking up we're in giml now this notion that we're concentrating that we're focusing that we're developing the Mitzvah ofus of clinging to God of attaching ourselves to God of gluing ourselves to God it is actually a Biblical commandment we don't think of it as such we think of it as I got to hear the chauffeur I gotta shake the lulov I have to sit in the Suka I'm going to observe chabas I have to keep kosher but you know the notion of also being in a relationship a romantic loving intimate Embrace of God is a Mitzvah like those others it doesn't manifest itself externally or physically it doesn't manifest itself with any uh stimuli but it's an internal emotional connection it's something that happens in our head and in our heart and most of all in our soul K and how do I know this it's from a it is repeated several times in several places in the Torah there is a positive commandment there is a Mitzvah ofus to attach ourselves to to God now here listen carefully it's not just that is another Mitzvah in the Torah it's not just that we have a positive commandment to think about God and to focus on God and to concentrate on God and to remember there's a God it's that it is the essential Mitzvah of the Torah it is the core Mitzvah the central Mitzvah all the other Mitzvah are there to reinforce that feeling to cultivate that feeling to PR OTE that feeling so it's not that the real Mitzvah is I got to take the lul and put on the and light the candles and keep the shabas and keep the kosher and oh yeah by the way don't forget occasionally remember there's a God no the whole essence of our life is to remember I'm in a relationship it's not that I remember today's my oldest daughter's a happy anniversary Rael and Mikey you don't just feel you're in love there's not just a romantic relationship on your anniversary every day is an anniversary the anniversary is the day that there's an excuse and you don't have to wait till then to ride a card to give a gift to watch The Wedding Video because why else did you spend all that money to produce it if you don't at least watch it once in a while hint hint so anyway that's that not the only day that you're in love you're in love the whole year you're in love each and every day you're in love all the time so God the Mitzvah of that notion of De I'm clinging to God I'm sticking to God it's not like oh on our anniversary God on Kipper or on shabas I'll set aside sometime or whenever it's every day it's every moment I'm walking into the boardroom the operating room the courtroom I'm walking into the kitchen I'm walking into whatever room I'm walking into I offer a a prayer to God God you're coming with me I need your help God tropical storm scheduled to hit God I got to give a big speech put the right words in my mouth God I have a difficult meeting God it's parent teacher conferences please let this go well let me hear good things God whatever it is you're walking in he's coming in the room with us we're gluing ourselves to him so it's not just that it is another Mitzvah it's not an ordinary mitzvah it's not a tangential Mitzvah it's not an also Mitzvah it is the essential Mitzvah the essential Mitzvah is you're in a relationship there's love there's romance there's connection there's Reliance there's surrender and then all the other Mitzvah are there to promote and to cultivate it so for example from the moment I wake up in the morning mod mod reminds me that before I even get out of bed I say thank you God wow I woke up I'm alive how many didn't wake up how many aren't alive how many didn't wake up to Good News God I'm alive it's a miracle my eyes work my legs work my arms work my faculties work still have a roof over my head I still have a car to drive I still have a job to go to I still have breakfast to put in my mouth I still have the same headcount in my home as when I went to sleep thank you I'm so grateful to you and my last words at nightma and also the book ends that surround my day I begin my day and I end my day with God it's filled with the richness of life and living it's filled with engaging and encountering the world it's filled with relationships with other people the relationship with hem is not exclusive of others a relationship with others but it is the core essential relationship and so then I DAV and then I have to do whatever Mitzvah I have to do and they're all there Hashem says hi it's the middle of the day you're busy now that the day is shorter because we changed the clock is never convenient but remember me don't forget about me don't forget who's in charge don't forget who you need to turn to don't forget who you rely on remember me you're about to drink your nice hot cup of coffee you're about to eat lunch you're about to have your afternoon snack make a Hashem says hey remember me you didn't check in you didn't make a bid for connection you didn't affirm to me that you know I'm here a 100 bras a day ding three times a day the Mitzvah throughout our day it's not that Deus is yet another one of the 613 Deus is the whole goal it is the core is the essence and then the other mitzvos reinforce it they reinforce it by time with time bound Mitzvah that remind me they reinforce it oh there was lightning there was Thunder I got to make a br that's nature lightning is Hashem taking a picture of me you know Thunder is Hashem reminding me he's here he's in control the bras that we are obligated in are not to take away or distract from our lives they are to actually recalibrate refocus Our Lives to remember what's most important and to welcome them back into the conversation of Our Lives footnote he says in the following footnote the his commentary on the tour the back go so far is to say this is why we learn Torah the whole Torah learning and certainly forner and for that school of and for the the the centrality of Total Learning as the centrality and the measure of success in our lives by being occupied and engaged and involved in Torah learning the reason Torah learning is so Central is not because Torah is supposed to compete with God it's that through Torah we discover and we learn about and we nourish and we reinforce that relationship with God how tragic that some can learn an entire day and never talk about God you could learn from early in in the morning till late at night and you've gained a lot of information you've downloaded a lot of facts you've broken through with a lot of intellectual gymnastics and never ever talked about Hashem never talked about the Reon what's lacking or missing in our Jewish Education if you come out of your judaic subjects and you didn't talk about Hashem Kish is not just to memorize names in places and dates Kish is to see how Hashem was involved in the unfolding of that story those narratives how he's behind those laws Novi is not just to memorize facts and dates and places say nvi is hashem's guiding hand through nature Mish this is hashem's blueprint for the world so says theak Torah shouldn't compete with our feeling close to God Torah is our journey of discovering and loving God but John gotman talks about again in the world of relationships and marriage that healthy marriages have to draw love Maps you have to date long deep into marriage you have to keep having this curiosity and inquisitiveness you have to want to come to know and to learn and to love even after you've been with that person for a long time Torah is the love maps of coming to learn to love God because to know him is to love him most of the mitzvas that are external and physical that we do with our arms in our legs we build the Suka we shake the lul we blow the chauffeur we put on theill WE light the candles keep the shabas we most of the Mitzvah that we do externally physically with our body they're all there in order to reinforce and to cultivate and to promote internal feelings there's the external Mitzvah briskers would say there's the Mitzvah externally but the there's the Fulfillment in the heart the root the core of Torah is the heart and the Soul so all the things that we're engaged and occupied in all the external manifestations the minutia some people become distracted they become preoccupied with the minutia and the details and they forget the reason for it all so of course the details matter and of course want has to be scrupulous and Vigilant when it comes to Jewish law keeping chabas keeping kosher keeping all of these things of course we have to be extraordinarily careful and mindful and on top of it they matter but they matter because what they're supposed to promote and reinforce and draw out internally you know it's like again come back to this metaphor and I apologize if I keep coming back to it except I'm sorry I'm not sorry that imagine I give my wife the card and I give her the flowers and I give her the chocolates and I take out the garbage and I do the things but there's no love so check check check check check we spend no time I don't confide I'm not curious I don't draw love Maps we don't date into marriage there's no romance there's no fire there's no flame there's no energy but I say well what's the problem I gave you the card I gave you the rose I gave you the chocolates I took that the garbage like you asked me to check check check check check what's the point of all those things you don't give a blank Hallmark American greetings card you have to underline the words and you have to write in your own message it has to be delivered with love it has to reveal something inside you you don't just deposit flowers or chocolates or whatever the other person wants here done check I did it but this is what it reflects it's coming from my heart it's because I want you to be happy I want to be the cause and the source of your happiness so the same is true with Hashem when you just read the sitter but you don't concentrate you're giving a blank empty card when you just do mitos but you don't communicate love you're just depositing flowers when you just put a check mark next to I keep chabas or kosher it's like saying I just I took out the garbage but I didn't do it because you asked me and I want to make you happy marriage relationship with Hashem is a romantic loving relationship it has to be nourished it's nourished with time and it's nourished with communication and conversation and con confiding but it's nourished most of all by realizing it's the core of why we're doing it all so it's so tragic how many observant jues how many Torah observant Jews so tragically are entirely preoccupied with the minutia and the details again I can't emphasize this enough all critically critically important but they are so um obsessed with it to the exclusion of nourishing the Romantic part of the relationship with God to the exclusion of realizing I have to talk and spend time and fill your presence and fill your presence and listen to what he writes and the observant Torah Jew who says to be in a loving relationship with it's enough to do the external check check check check check I'm doing it all right I'm scrupulous and I'm Vigilant and you can't catch me on anything and I'm doing the all at the highest level but there's no heart there's no mindfulness I'm not really present I'm not invested I'm not engaged such a person is living a robotic lifeless life you could be dead even while you're alive and you know in marriage when you're just putting those check marks when you're mailing it in when you're getting away with the bare minimum when you're doing it with no feeling with no energy with no love with no sparks it's dead you're dead even while you're alive it's the end it's the kiss of death to the relationship and the same is true in a relationship with God don't just mail it in that lightning the Thunder you made a broa you're to eat that food you pause it takes a few seconds you come out of the bathroom the miracle of everything working right you woke up in the morning the mod throughout our day these bids for connection these bids for connection these recalibrating the compress these coming back to that anchor that reminder that we're in a relationship and who matters most and what is important and they're all there to reinforce that keep coming back to it don't be in a dry or a stale or a lifeless a dead relationship even while it's alive such a person as lost they forfeited what is Central you're like a Golem you're like a body without a soul if you want to be walking through life like a body without a soul God forbid you're like a car that has no engine what does want he wants our heart what do parents want from children don't just do what I ask check check check and then you go to your room and you have nothing to do with me I want your heart I want your emotion I want a relationship the almighty wants our heart he wants us to be invested he wants us to give and to place our heart into everything that we do he wants our heart put your heart into this relationship now if you put your heart into it and you've tried and you've hit a wall because life is challenging and tough and you struggle to see where Hashem is it's a whole other conversation and my heart goes out to you and it's a difficult conversation but many or most of us have never even tried we've never even been there we've never even put our whole heart into it we've never tried to have that romantic we've never been dovic we've never clung to God we've never welcomed him into the room we've never answered his bid for connection or offered our own try it your life will improve I promise you it'll be enriched you'll feel calm and peaceful and Serene I don't know if I said it in this context I've said it in others and again I'm not going to tip my hat about who I voted for because this is not the time or place but I will tell you that While others are obsessed with checking the news and following the story and listening to all kinds of theories and worrying and wondering about the ultimate outcome when you tap into that amuna you say I pulled the lever I did my vote maybe even privately I tried to persuade people now it'll be whatever it'll be I'm not going to get bent out of shape or exercised over this it'll be the way it's meant to be Hashem chooses and Hashem uses them as puppets to bring out the outcome he wants so when you see people too emotionally invested they're losing their peace of mind there Serenity in both directions those celebrating excessively those grieving excessively those worrying excessively there's a lack of faith so living this life of deus that says Hashem whatever the election results whatever the hurricane projection results whatever the Financial stock market results whatever the medical testing results God forbid Hashem I know you're in the room you got your hand on my shoulder we're going through this together we're in it together there's a sense ofas you're clinging to him someone was talking to me recently they're going through an especially hard time with their child and there are very few things worse than than going through a hard time with your child either medically or uh educationally or developmentally it's very very difficult it's very difficult because you know you're only as happy as the happiness of your least happy child that's that's a rule in life and if that's true about their happiness it's much more true about their health so to go through it and to feel that you're doing everything you can to help them and support them but it's out of your control and their pain is your pain and you so badly wish and maybe you're filled with regret of things you could have or should have done differently there are fewer things more painful than that so I told this person that you know I've gone through those episodes and I think if you have children by definition you have in some way or another and certainly in 2020 there's no house there's no child there's no adult who doesn't struggle emotionally spiritually in some way God forbid physically and I told the person I said you know when I went through it I also was in that very dark place and feeling very down and out until I had this major breakthrough moment I had this thought and all of a sudden it occurred to me I remember it happened while I was driving I said you know the gamar kadan says that there are three partners that make up every child we think there are two parents there are three there's the mother the father and Hashem the parents contribute the genetic material and God contributes the soul and it's only the combination the partnership of the three that yield that child so I remember I was driving and I turned to Hashem and realized instead of turning to him from a perspective or a position of I need you to do me a favor you're in control and I'm not and here's something I need from you all of a sudden I realized and I turned to him and I said said Hashem what's going on here it's your it's your child too you're a co-parent this isn't my problem it's not my problem alone he's your child she's your child this is your child also step in I need your help let's do this together I'm clinging I'm sticking with you we're going to bring this this is going to bring bring us closer God forbid when those challenges come up they could either drive that couple further apart or it could bring them closer together that choice is ours and the attitude and in the perspective that we bring so I'll never forget I said this is your child too you're a co-parent you're a partner don't do this for me as a favor do this because it's all of our responsibility we're in this together whatever we're going through in life we cling to God to vake us to cling to him to be with him and so there are people who are Living Rich scrupulously observant Jewish lives and yet they have zero relationship with they've never had that conversation or any they've said every word of the sitter check close the sitter done 60 years old and never ever had a conversation with god never said here's what I'm grateful for here's what I'm thankful for here's what I'm happy about I met this week with someone not connected to the Sho but I've I've become connected and we're going to be announcing soon a formal connection with a major um rehab Recovery Center in our community and I met with somebody who's been through recovery please God coming up on two years of sobriety he really deserves tremendous credit such a beautiful beautiful accomplishment he having certain challenges certain issues legal issues and and was very very concerned and very worried and I said to him a very special person I've come to know I said you know you probably think you can't turn to God because you feel like God would say to you oh sure you need me now but where have you been you dropped me you got rid of me you moved on from me but now that you're stuck now that you're in trouble now that you need me all of a sudden you remember me so you're probably feeling like I can't call God I can't reach out to God because he probably thinks where have I been so I said to him I want you to know something you're not married yet you don't have children yet I want you to know something if a parent is estranged from a child and the child calls after a day a week a year years of not being in touch the parent doesn't say Where Have You Been or you need me now the parent says thank you so much for call I'm so happy you called I'm so grateful to reconnect God's your father and he loves you and you don't have to worry and so start the conversation I told him and start the conversation by saying god dad I know I haven't been in touch in a while I know it's been a long time but I need you and I want to connect with you and it's not all or nothing because for a parent again the parent doesn't say All or Nothing the child who says I want to reconnect I want to reconcile I'm not ready to come home and live at home I'm not ready fulltime incrementally small steps the parent says I'll take whatever I could get I'll take what I could get I just want you to be healthy and well I want to be connected and involved in your life I'll take what I can get and God Theon Our Father in Heaven also says I'll take what I can get so I said to him you need Hashem In This Moment don't not come to him because you think he's saying where have you been come to him and start the conversation and say God I know it's been a while but I want to talk and by the way in the conversation tell him what you've been disappointed in him tell him your frustrated by be grateful for him for the blessings he's given you but turn to him because his loving parent he's waiting he's waiting so whether we're praying for our children whether it's a child who's praying for a parent or needs to turn to God as the parent even after it's been for a long timeas cling to Hashem what is boning is boning and we see it we see it in our Jewish Community today our our our Jewish life and living has become so shallow and so superficial that even though we're scrupulously in Vig connected to observing Torah even though we're getting all the details right in the and and the and the details and it is important it is non-negotiable it's critically important and our attitude and commitment to defines us I cannot say this enough times I don't want to be misunderstood or misquoted however all of that is there to promote a relationship it's like giving the card that's blank or giving the flowers with no feeling or taking out the garbage so you can put a check mark the relationship with God has to be animated it has to become alive it has to be brought to life with a deep sense and a profound of passion because wants our heart says even if you're you're a righteous person and you're involved in you're making and you're learning the you're you're going through so much Torah defines your whole day but if you forgot what is essential what is Central what is core you forgot that hem is opposite me always that he's in the room that his hand is on my shoulder that he's watching he's listening he's partnering and you're not searching and looking to live with him listen to what he says I couldn't say this he can you missed you missed the whole point so you'll look at the end of the day you'll come at the end of your life and you'll say Hashem Catch Me If You Can you won't catch me doing anything wrong I never ate N koser I never missed a daving I never violated chabas you can't catch me I never did anything wrong and God says you never did anything wrong my dear friend you never did anything right the reason I asked you to do all those things so that you'd have a relationship with me and yet you've never spoken to me you've never confided in me you've never welcomed me you've never listened to me speaking to you do we want to get to that point in our lives where we think we've done everything right and God says you haven't done anything right you've missed the point entirely hasem wants our heart he wants a romantic relationship he wants a relationship of a parent of a child he wants a relationship and a relationship needs time it needs communication most of all it needs authenticity it needs a sense of self it needs investing our self in that relationship that's a relationship that's a relationship that's what he wants and even though I wanted to say so much more we are running out of time we'll do two more minutes it's true that the beginning and the core the foundation of the relationship is to accept upon ourselves the Yoke of heaven with a sense of awe you can't be too overly familiar or casual to do our actions and to fulfill all of because hasem says jump we say how high it's not negotiable it's not optional Hashem says this is what I expect this is what I demand of you and we have to do it and by the way even though he wants our heart even when our heart is not in it you got to do it my heart's not in it and I don't feel like DAV I I still have the DAV my heart's not in it I don't feel like keeping kosher I have to keep kosher my heart's not in it I don't feel like putting on F or lighting the shabas candles I have to do it that's the basis it's a foundation but it's not the essence it's not the goal that is the core it's the foundation it's the first step non-negotiable meet the expectations meet the what Hashem has set for us as the blueprint of our lives but that's not the end it's the beginning it's the foundation but we got to build up upon it otherwise we've missed out on the purpose of life we have to want to attach ourselves to the sweetness of God and a person who merits who really feels hasem in their life who lives and walks through life with God by the way that gives you the strength to overcome the evil urge because if hasem is in the room and if you love him and he loves you then you're not going to cheat on God then you're not going to violate God then you're not going to walk away from God because how could you do that to him you'd never do that to him you're never going to become weak you're never going to grow weak because of any influence or because of Any appetite because he's in the room all that he's done for us we could never violate him and it'll bring the peace the serenity That We crave in every circumstance and every surrounding we will Merit to feel Hashem we will have gratitude we will have faith we will have joy the end of each class I teach I say stay happy stay healthy and stay holy and the the way to attain all three is to live a life of deas is to cling to Hashem and to attach ourselves to hem and to connect to Hashem in each and every circumstance of Our Lives join us tonight behind the beam at 900m wishing everyone stay happy stay healthy and most of all stay holy