LIVE Thursday night Call-In Show ☎️

Okay, we are live. Barashem took us a little a little while. Yeah, I'm back in the old studio. That's just what had to happen for reasons. I'm back in the old studio at home in my garage. This is my garage. You don't realize that we're back here. Better late than never. Most people watch this on replay anyway. Usually live a few hundred people and then over the week another couple thousand people usually watch it. >> Um, so most people aren't even going to realize we started at 9:55. We're supposed to start at 9:30. It's 9:55. I'm going to make a on my orange juice. Yum. Okay. Um, we had an amazing event last night at the Soul Words House Barashem in honor of Tuba of which is called Y Mashidim. Special holiday uh historically connected to the idea of marriage, matchmaking and marriage. Um yeah, it was beautiful. Last night at Sward's house, we had Sapora Grodco from the um Stories of Hope podcast. We had an honest discussion of Shidim. It was Gavaldic. I don't want to give you the link right now because then you're going to leave this and go watch that and you know can only do one thing at a time. But yeah, it was pretty awesome. The live stream is you can replay the live stream. Um I forget what it's called. honest discussion of or something like that. It was really good. Anyways, um so that's that. Also, I want to remind everyone that we're still in the midst of our annual campaign. We're almost done really. It was supposed to be over a long time ago, but whatever. Hashem had different plans. So, our annual campaign is still going on, but we're almost there. We're so close. We're almost 90% of the way. Um, if you could donate any amount, really literally any amount at charity.comst, that's charity.comst. The link is actually in the description of this video. So, if you're watching us right now on YouTube, just look in the description, click on that link. Any amount, even a dollar, gets us closer. Uh, and it helps us to do events like we did last night, which was a beautiful event, and just in general to pay for all the technical stuff. If you guys don't realize how much technical stuff is involved, my gosh, it's so much more complex than you realize. Okay. Um, and I'll write it in the chat for the people who are on here. Live charity.comst. And if you donate live during the calling show, uh, I'll read your dedication as long as it's not um, pornographic or blasphemous or threatening or hate speech or weird. Well, it could be weird, but it has to be benign weird. It can't be like hostile weird. Okay. Um, that's that. And oh, I want to do one more thing. One more thing, which is I want to tell the Instagram people, you know, I have like 57 something thousand followers on Instagram. Is that crazy? Is that crazy? Yeah, I have 573,000 followers on Instagram. That's amazing. Okay, I'm gonna do a little something real quick, though. Um Uh, okay. I'm going to go live for a second. Uh, yeah. Okay. All right. All right. I'm simultaneously the people on YouTube see me um which call it I'm simultaneously live on Instagram right now. Okay. Um there's no one coming on yet enough people are saying to join. Okay. Uh I'm starting this live uh Instagram because Bahasham we have 570,000 followers on Instagram, which is pretty cool. And we want to let you know that we're doing our live weekly Thursday night call-in show right now on YouTube. Okay. So, what you're going to have to do, just YouTube people, one second. I'm going to talk to the Instagram people. Okay, Instagram people, what we want you to do is go to YouTube. Okay? Um, it's in my bio. If you care, you can go to my bio. go to my bio and look at my YouTube channel and go to my YouTube and um go to the live call-in show. Thursday night live call-in show. Okay, I think that's it. That's all I'm going to say. All right. Okay. I don't know what the point of that was, but maybe it'll gain us a couple more viewers. All right, I'm going to put on my headphones. Okay, is the phone system working? Is the phone system? >> Yes. Did you hear me? >> I hear you. Yeah. All right. We have Can you hear me? >> Yeah, I hear you. Can you hear me? >> We have our first caller. Yes, I hear you. >> Our first caller is anonymous. Okay, great. So, should we get our first caller on? >> Yep. Hello. Welcome to the Thursday calling show. >> Hi, Rabbi. How are you, >> Barm? I'm very good. How are you doing? >> Good. Thanks for taking my call. >> My pleasure. My pleasure. Okay. So, what are we talking about tonight? I don't even know. >> Okay. Um, I have a question for you. >> Okay. How does one deal with co-parenting with a parent who does not care about the child's well-being and is doing the opposite for the child? >> Okay. So, I'm going to be uh very forthright with you here. I'm going to skip all the nicities. First of all, I want to validate that I believe I believe what you're saying, but I also need to give push back. Okay? So, I I I it's not nice to start right away with push back, but I think it's just going to be helpful. Okay? And and I my point here is to be helpful. Um, so here here's my push back. You made a statement. This is a very sweeping statement, a very strong statement that the co-parent not only does not care about the child's welfare or well-being, but quite the opposite, which the opposite of that would not only be they don't care, it would be like they have some a vested interest in, god forbid, undermining the child's well-being. So, that's a very strong statement. I'm not telling you I don't believe you, but I want to push back against that be just because >> it's so exceedingly rare. It's not unknown, but it is exceedingly rare for a parent, even a parent who's not particularly um emotionally well. It is so ex exceedingly rare for a parent to actually purposely willfully undermine a child's well-being. So, can I push back a little bit and let's kind of figure out where where the truth is because it it'll it'll just be more helpful for you in navigating this. >> Sure. >> Okay. So, do you want to adjust this statement or do you want to double down on it and and back it up or help me understand it? What What do you mean the co-parent doesn't? Yeah. Okay. >> Um I can go with an example if that will help. >> Yeah, sure. That that >> Okay. My daughter came to me with a concern that is a big concern and when I addressed it with her father, he denied it and is denying help for the child. >> Okay. And I'm assuming in this situation you're talking about because people can use the term co-parent even for a married couple, but we're talking about you're not married >> to the >> Okay. to your child's father. Okay. So, your daughter came to you with a concern, >> a general concern or a specific concern about her father, >> a specific concern about something happening in the home. >> In the home, you came to him and said, "Hey, >> she's not okay with that." And he was like, "What? >> Well, that that didn't happen." Or, "Yeah, it happened and who cares?" >> You're lying. >> No, you're lying. It's not true. >> Who's lying? You lying or your daughter's lying? >> It was told to both of us that we're lying. >> You're both lying. Didn't happen. >> Mhm. >> Okay. >> It didn't happen. >> Didn't happen based on your experience >> with this person who I mean, you have a child with him, so I assume you know him somewhat. Um, obviously you can't know with 100% certainty, but is this is it consistent with this person's history to gaslight like that? To just flat out deny something that everybody knows is true? >> Yeah. >> Okay. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. So, you believe your daughter And >> yes, they do. >> Yeah. >> And you think that her father is just flat out gaslighting, denying? Well, okay, >> that's a tough one. Okay, so that's essentially your question, but I want to push back and say like this. Remember I said I I I have a hard time accepting the original premise that the co-parent yes >> doesn't care for the child's well-being or even the opposite like actually wants them not to be well. >> Okay, I want to put I'm I'm going to actually still push back against that and again for the purpose of being helpful I want to help you here. And I think because right now if you just say I'm dealing with somebody who doesn't care about their own child and and actually has bad intentions toward their own child, that's like so basically it's it's an insurmountable problem. How do you even deal with that? You don't deal with it. The only way to deal with it is by by not having to deal with it. But I I want to push back and say maybe we could reshape this narrative a little bit um and be a little bit more accurate. How about this? I'm gonna throw something against the wall and see if it sticks. Okay? And and I'm going to trust you to guide me >> if there's truth to this or not. >> I would say like this knowing very very little. I know nothing. I really know nothing. But I'm just, you know, chat gpting it over here and using, you know, like, well, you know how chat GPT, it's b it's basically predictive text, you know, like when you do predictive text and okay, that's how chat GPT, it's a language model this predictive text, but it's based on on on patterns. So, I've been do, by the way, I've been doing it >> be long before chat GPT was doing it. Um, it's called pattern recognition, and I'm 90% of the Yeah, I would say 90% right. Um, but that's why I say if I'm if I'm wrong, just tell me. Okay, here's what I'm saying. Based on the tiny tiny specks of information that you've given me, I would like to reframe it like this. Your ex, your child's father, instead of saying he doesn't care about his child's well-being, I would like to reframe it like this and say something a little bit different. There are things that he cares about way more than his own child's well-being to the extent that those things cause him to do things that if he were thinking straight, he himself would be ashamed of. And and in fact, maybe even is ashamed of, which is why he lies about it. Is that possible? >> Yes. >> Yes. You're agreeing >> it is possible. >> Okay. Is it likely? Meaning to say, let me let me explain what I mean. It's not that he doesn't care about his daughter's wellbeing. It's that he cares about do whatever doing what he feels he needs to do. And if having to compromise in his parenting in order to do what he wants to do, if that's what has to be done, then you know, okay, when push comes to shove, he's going to do what he wants to do. Meaning to say, I'm trying to say it's not like if he had the option of doing right by his daughter or not doing right by her, he would willfully just pick not doing right by his daughter. He's picking the option of not doing right by his daughter because he's forced to pick that in order to get something else that he wants which is more important to him. Does this make sense? That's what I'm saying. >> It does. >> Okay. >> I'm still trying to figure out what that is. >> What that is? I I I know what it is because it's it's 100% of the time it's always the same thing. It's always safety security. It's basic basic stuff. Safety security. That's always what it is. So, I don't know what dysfunctional behavior he's engaging in, which his uh brain has decided symbolizes safety and security to him, but that's why he's doing it. And then you're telling him, well, you can't do that. That's dysfunctional. You can't do that around a child. And you know, he's not prepared to say, you're right. I'm going to stop that thing. Because that would be like saying, you're right. I'm gonna forfeit my own safety and security. >> Does that make sense? >> Yes. >> So, you know, let's say you didn't tell me what the behavior is at all, but let's say it's like an addiction, you know, let's uh let's say it's like, hey, you're using drugs in a house with a child. Well, I didn't do it right in front of her. I did you did it in the next room and she knows that you're doing I'm not saying that's what it is. I'm not saying it's drugs, but like let's pretend that's what it is. So, you know, somebody could say, well, this person doesn't care about their child's well-being. And I would say that's an oversimpl over oversimplification that's not going to serve you well in the process of strategizing what your next move is. >> I would say go back to the drawing board. Instead of saying this person doesn't care about their child's wellbeing, say this person cares so much about what their brain has been twisted into thinking provides their own well-being that that becomes paramount to the to the extent of of thrusting aside their concern for their child's well-being. >> I hear you. >> So >> I hear it. Is this helpful? Is this kind of making sense? >> It makes sense. It just >> it's like how do you deal with someone like that? >> Um >> when there's a real issue at hand. >> Yeah. So I mean can I ask you another question? >> Sure. Is this related to what led to the divorce? >> No. >> Okay. Um, but am I right to say that it's some type of behavior that he feels he needs to do and it's super important to him? >> Yes. >> Yeah. Okay. I and by the way when I say that 100% of the time it's safety and security um because that's just the way the brain is wired it's it's I don't like using these terms because a lot of these terms are uh these secular terms are based on uh models that I don't believe in um and which yeah have a have a certain uh lack of of spiritual uality in them. But for instance, you know the term like the the lizard brain, right? Or lyic system, right? Brain stem. So um yeah, just for a disclaimer and people can decide to not trust me or like me anymore, but the one of the reasons I don't like it is because it's kind of Darwinian. And no, I someone asked me once, do you believe in Darwin? I of course the man existed. There. I think they're pictures of him. But no, I'm not into the whole evolution thing. Yeah, you could decide that I'm a barbarian and you could stop listening to me and decide that I'm stupid now. But no, I I don't. So, I'm not when I say like lizard brain, I don't I don't mean like in an evolutionary type of way. But what I do mean is the way that people are wired. By the way, if I would use the theidic mystical metaphysical terminology, I would say the nephew of Bahamas, the enlivening animal soul. Okay? But at any rate, there's this basic impulse for survival and self-preservation that's always looking for safety and security. Now, it's a funny impulse because it gravitates toward really basic stuff, coarse stuff. It's not interested in abstraction. In fact, it can't even comprehend abstraction. So things like spirituality or even things like morality are completely foreign to it because it just doesn't have the the the ability to to grasp abstraction. What does it grasp? Very physical physical physical things like bodily needs. So basically I'm going to say you know food and sex. So basically what it comes down to is self-medicating or self-numbing behaviors, addictive behaviors. So it's basically either, you know, like drugs, uh, pornography, something else that's sexually inappropriate. Those are the types of behaviors that people get really, really locked in on. And then even though you come to them and be like, "Hey, as a moral person, as a as an adult, as a who's who's charged with caring for a child, don't you know that's wrong?" Like, don't you? And it's like, well, that my thinking brain knows that it's wrong, but I'm not in my thinking brain right now because I'm just trying to get safety and security. I'm feeling I'm registering some type of cue to um you know some cue of threat to my survival and um and this is what I have to do to self soo and now you're going to come talk to me about morality. I can't afford to have a discussion about right and wrong over here. I'm trying to survive and that's why like when you're saying like how do you even talk to a person like that and you're expressing that frustration. Yeah. It's the frustration of I'm trying to talk about right and wrong and you're checked out of any ability to speak about such abstract concepts because you are in fight or flight like live or die absolute like you know you you're down in that lowest most basic level of impulse and so we can't even have a discussion about morality and when I get called out what am I going to do? I'm going to lie about it. Well, it's so stupid. Why would you lie? But like, we all know you're lying. Yeah, but you know what? I can't afford to have this conversation with you. So, what am I gonna do? I'm just gonna be impossible and I'm going to stonewall you by lying. I know that you know that I'm lying, but if I can just lie and it's it's so exhausting, you'll go away. >> And I know if I lie long enough, you'll just go away. You'll leave me alone. I can go go back to my numbing behavior. Is Is this consistent with reality? I'm chat gpting it over here. Um, yes. Yes. >> Very well said. >> Okay. So, so everything I'm saying is consistent with the actual facts. >> Mhm. >> Okay. Um, does looking at it this way give you any insight about how you may want to deal with it? >> It gives me a new perspective of how I how I view it, but it's still feels impossible to deal with someone like that. >> Yeah. Well, what if we were to introduce some truth? >> What if Okay. >> Well, what if you were to say, "Listen, you can tell me I'm lying. That's okay. Um, I think you know that it's not a lie." And and here's the thing. Um, I don't judge you for this. I really don't judge you. I know that you're doing what you feel that you need to do. Um, but here's the thing. When your daughter is home, you're not going to be able to do that. So, I think you need to make a decision. If this thing is really super important to you, uh, to the to the extent that you're not going to be able to refrain from it when she's with you, then I think you need to think about this. Make a choice. Maybe it's more important for you for now to do that thing than to have your daughter with you. And could you maybe make that responsible as it would be very selfless of you. It would be very selfless of you. Maybe you'll make that decision that you for right now are choosing your certain behaviors, your certain I don't know if it's a lifestyle, but um because that's important to you and you need that right now, but it's not compatible with having a child in the home. Maybe you can make a selfless decision right now that while you still need to engage in that behavior, you're not going to have her around. Or you could decide you're going to refrain from it when she's around. But who are we kidding? We You and I both know that that would be too stressful for you. And why should you feel stress? I don't want you to feel stressed. >> See, I like it. I like it because it's compassionate and it's honest. I love, you know, they there's an expression brutal honesty. I love gentle honesty. Like, let's be so real. Realer than real, but not in a hurtful way. It's not to the contrary. I'm trying to help you. I know it's too painful for you to act the way you need to act. Like, ho how how long of a stretch is she with him for? >> It's not too long, but >> a couple days. I've definitely tried that that no hours but >> it doesn't >> Yeah, but it doesn't that that doesn't work. It doesn't work with him. >> You've tried the approach of being like, "Listen, I don't need you to admit or deny cuz I know the truth and I'm not faulting you and I'm not blaming you. I'm not even judging you. I'm just saying this." >> You can have a conversation with him. It's impossible. >> Impossible. Okay. So, he's Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. So, he's totally locked in >> the the survival mode. >> Yeah. So, even even more so than I thought cuz I was imagining he kind of like >> fades in and out of survival mode and has moments. No, he's always in survival mode. >> No. >> Which is why he's always lying because he says whatever he needs to do to get what he wants. >> Anything. any issue that's addressed, you're a liar. It's not true. And then he says conversation over and that's it. >> And it's because it's so effective. It >> doesn't work. >> It's so effective because he first of all, he knows he's not fooling anybody, but he doesn't care. He's not trying to fool anyone. He's just trying to get you off his back so he can continue doing what he wants to do. And he knows that it's so exhausting to be lied to right to your face like that. So exhausting that eventually you'll just stop talking to him. And that's what he wants. That's his goal. Just make you be quiet. And and and he probably feels probably feels better about that than something like overtly hostile or or or uh violent. You know, if if to get somebody off my back, I'm going to have to scream at them. You know, I'll do it right. But this is so much more pleasant than screaming at them. I'll just lie at them and lie lie lie in their face until they get tired of talking to me. And then they'll just never talk to me again. Good. Problem solved. Right. But it's it's dealing with that and then dealing with other people a step above him such as therapists or schools, different things that you know, let's say we address an issue and then they he says it's not true. So then it's like you can't get anywhere with anyone, >> right? >> That's that's where the issue is. >> I bet you everyone's super curious what the issue is. You don't have to say if you don't want to, but like what's the thing that he's doing? >> I not going to say it on here just for privacy purposes of my daughter and myself. >> Good. Respect that. Okay. Um, >> thank you. >> And it doesn't matter, by the way. I mean, because we all know the the category of things. It's it, you know, whatever. >> Okay. It's unfortunate because we always want to be able to talk with people and reach some kind of compromise, but he's you're saying he's not he's not capable of that. >> No, >> I mean it forces you it forces you to then sidestep him. Um, I mean, now now now we get to the domain where you got to call a lawyer basically. I mean, I'm sure you do have a lawyer if you're dealing with this type of situation >> because now you're talking about Yeah. Because now you're talking about, you know, I I would wish we could just talk it through, but you're not ready to talk. You don't want to talk. You find it excruciating to talk. So, so now, okay, fine. So, there's no conversation. If there if there's if there truly is no possibility for a conversation, >> then you're forced to just I I I hate to say it because I just I don't like I don't I don't like having to function that way. But there's someone you can't even talk to then and comes a comes a legal matter, >> right? breath. >> It's not it's not not ideal, but >> that's kind of what you're left with. >> Any Yeah, I can give you a lot of physic. First of all, you know, your daughter is learning from you how to deal with difficult situations and she knows that you're taking care of her. She knows that you care about her safety and security. Uh, and she knows that you're able to to deal with it in a calm way even when they're difficult situations. That's important. >> Mhm. >> That's important. You know that she told you something and you believed her and she knows you believe her. That's super important. >> Yeah. >> It is. >> Definitely is. Especially when, you know, I hate to say it this way because it makes it sound like, you know, even when you have a co-parent like this, I'm sure you have zero desire to vilify him in your child's eyes. I would hope so. And if you know, you need any reminder. Yeah. Even when a co-parent is totally dysfunctional, you gain nothing by vilifying that co-parent in your child's eyes. Um, but >> right. >> Yeah. So, you know that. What I will say is in a especially in a situation where >> you took her word over an adult. That's very powerful as far as you know her feeling of connection to you. >> An adult called her a liar and you know that she's not. So, I would say I'm sorry you have this difficult co-parenting situation, but I would also say I think you have a I think you're doing a pretty great job with your daughter as a as a as a as a mother, as a an adult in her life who provides safety and protection. >> And you're doing it you're doing it under difficult circumstances. Sorry. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Extremely difficult. >> Listen, I'm sure that many people will gain from I I appreciate your willingness to have this conversation uh in a public forum. I I'm certain that there are people who will gain from this because as you know, I'm sure you know there are people who deal with similar situations. some, you know, yes, >> more challenging, some less challenging than yours, but >> I think many people will relate. >> Yeah. And I appreciate you taking the call and the time. >> Of course. >> Of course. Certainly. >> Thank you, Rabbi. >> Okay. All right. >> Have a good night. >> You too. Okay. Be well. All right. Byebye. Okay. All right. I mean, I love to be able to solve people's problems or show them how to solve their own problems and tie everything with a neat bow. Um, but yeah, that's one of these tough situations where the challenge persists. There's really no Yeah. Who do I hear on the other end? Is that you or is there another caller waiting? >> This is hiro. How you doing? I just want to take a moment to let everyone know that if they um may benefit from the these calls or enjoy these calls and take a moment to subscribe to the channel and I think you mentioned previously about donating. >> Yeah, >> now is a good time to do that. Also, I want to make a special mention and thank you to the sponsor of our call-in system to make it possible to have calls like this happen. Uh 9x9, that's 9x9.com. Um, if anyone has any phone system needs or um could benefit from some uh super cool tech and uh options with their phone lines, you could visit the website and uh reach out regarding anything related with uh phone systems whether it's for a small business or anything of the like Yeah. Okay. Any any other uh messages you want to share, you people want to hear from you. They want to know more about what you're into, what you care about, what's important to you. >> I'm on the spot now. >> Want to share with us a message? What do you like about the Thursday night call-in show? [Music] >> Calling to the show. [Music] >> Anything else? Um, not off top of my head. >> Okay. We have any other callers? >> I'm not currently on the line. I'm not sure if anyone else uh Oh, that's a that's a good time to mention if anyone would like to call in to the call in show. >> Um, if they have a question, >> I'm going to write it in the chat. >> That's soul words. >> They would like to discuss. Yeah. any any anything of the like, they can email [email protected]. Um, if they if people are listening to this call and they find Rabbi Tab's advice helpful or insightful, they can either call in. Um, if you don't want to do it on a public forum, they could visit forward.orgconultation. Um, we have uh options there for people to call in as call you as well. >> Yeah, but it's expensive. So, save your money and just call into the callin show. >> Call into the call. >> You got to call into the show. Call the show. Call into the callin show. I don't see any new donations coming in. I'm ready to read I'm ready to read dedications for new donations to come to charity.comrst. That's charity.comst charitywithd.comrst. You emailed your number. Somebody's writing in the chat. [Music] I don't see any emails. >> Yes. In the meantime, >> Yes. >> Can you tell us a little bit about um how we go from the three weeks, the nine days dish above? It's like a full like three weeks of like um restraint or you know um I don't know exactly how to word it and then just in one day we go back to quote unquote normal life like how do we take all that we lived with the past three weeks the nine days and then tish above itself you know all like it's an experience going through it and then in one day we're we're switching right back to normal life like it kind of feels sudden. Is there like what what could you tell us about that transition or how do we take what we grew with or learned throughout that 3-week experience into you know into the next day into the quote unquote normal? Basically what you're saying is um we had three weeks of mourning of grieving the destruction of the holy temple in Jerusalem and that came to an end after tishaba of which is the anniversary of the destruction of the temple and you could you mute yourself because I hear your street noises in the background. Okay, awesome. Um, and then you're like, "Okay, so for three weeks we're mourning and then all of a sudden boom, back to normal." And not only you're back to normal, I will I will make your question even bigger. We say that tuba, which is the shabas, the 15th day of the month of of is one of the happiest days of the year. There were no greater holidays among the Jewish people than the the Mishna and Tinus um than Yin Kipper and uh so how do you go not only you were saying like you're going from like this low point all of a sudden back to normaly but it's even more than that it's you're going from this low point boom to this super high point. But ain't that always the way? if you're going through >> I think my question is a little bit my question is a little bit different. And I I think I use like the three weeks and the nine days and as example as an example, but I think it it also I'm I'm asking kind of like experiences in our lives when let's say we have a hard day or something's going on which is stressful like the low you're talking about and then like it kind of it's over in a sense like you've been through that experience, you experienced it, you grew from it, you learned from it, whatever it is and then like the next day you're kind of like it's normal. You're not in that like grieving process or that that you know low low time anymore. You're out of it. It's over. It's behind you. But it's just the next day. And like >> Yeah, but that's like how do you >> transition? My dear son. My dear sweet son. That was right in the middle of saying >> my dear sweet truly sunshine. Listen listen. Yes, I understand. And you're not just talking about the three weeks, you're talking about life. But listen, this is the nature of things. That's what I was saying. Ain't that always the way? That when you go lower, it's not just you come back to normal. You come to a much higher level. Why? Why does that make sense? Because seemingly logically it doesn't make sense to go from one extreme to the other extreme. But when you understand the nature of the low points in life, then it does make sense. It's called urita kalia, a descent for the sake of a posit a subsequent ascent. You go low in order to go high. So it's not just, oh, I was going through a hard time and now it's over and it's behind me and I'm now I'm in a normal place or even an awesome place. No, no, no. It's not like those two things are detached. It's one process. It's not like, oh, I was in a low place, now I'm in the high place. No, no, no. It's one process. It's I went through the low thing in order to get to the high place. And you know, this is what it explains that the reason of is such a great day. It says, okay, let me go slowly here. So in some places it says the reason the 15th of A is so awesome is because the moon is full. And then the question or the challenge to that is but every month the moon is full. And then the answer to the to that question is yeah but this is when the moon is full after the worst day of the Jewish year the lowest point to the anniversary of the destruction. So when you have a high point that comes after a low point, it's not just subjectively it feels greater. It literally objectively is a higher level because you cannot reach those higher levels without going through lower levels. So the point is that when you're going through a low point in life, a lot of times we think to oursel, "Oh, I just want to get out of this and have some relief. I just want to have I just want to have this be over. Have it be behind me." But the truth is, if that's all that happens, then it would have been better to never have gone through the low point because all you're gaining after it's over is that you're out of it. It's like banging your head against the wall so it'll so you'll feel relief when you stop banging your head against the wall. I got a better idea. Don't bang your head against the wall in the first place. But what we're talking about is that there are certain levels that you can only come to through going through pain. And if it were avoidable, then you're then your loving father and I'm not talking about me. don't you know you're you love although I do love you and I am your father but I'm saying our our loving father Hashem he would not put us through a challenge that could have been avoided if there were a challenge that we could have avoided then we would have avoided it he wouldn't he wouldn't put it in our life but when we do go through a low point in life even if it's an exceedingly extended period of time you should know that it's part of a process to take you to a higher level and that when the low part is over, it's not behind you. You're actually bringing it with you because that is what has put you at this higher level. And let me try to put it more practical. Whatever lessons that you learn while you're going through your hardships, sometimes they're lessons like it's a cognitive thing. Sometimes it's more intuitive. It's like a sensitivity that you gain only through going through a hard time. But whatever it is that you gained as far as insight, sensitivity, knowledge, that is something you bring with you into the the good times. Which is why anyone who has insight has had a hard life. I don't know anybody who has insight who hasn't had a hard life. And you're going to say to me, well, how about this? I'll forgo having insight and then I won't have a hard life. How about that? I don't care about having insight. What does that gain me? The answer is, who said it gains you anything? It's not for you. It's for others. It's not for you. It's for others. If it were for you, how about this? Don't put me through hell and don't give me the insight that I gain after going through hell. But it's not for you. It's for others. Hashem is turning into source of help for others. So let me ask you like this is if you're going through difficulties because that is the only way to turn you into the person who can help other people. Isn't Isn't that a different proposition than saying will you go through hell in order to gain something personally? No. You know what? Let's not. I'm not interested. But if I say we need you to become something so that other people will benefit from you. But in order for you to come to that level where you're going to be able to help others, you're going to have to go through a period of hardship. It's a little bit different question. Okay. Go ahead. But tell tell me >> also what I was saying is that like the low points have rules, you know, like let's go back to three weeks. There's regulation, you know, there's rules to it. like you're guided in the path of the low points. And if we're not talking about the three weeks, we're talking about experiences. The experiences are in your face. Those low points are kind of guiding you. Like you're have you kind of have instructions and guidance of the low point. My question is the next day after that low point like you lived it. It's over. You don't have instructions like the moon is just full. There's no there's nothing you're doing. It just is the next day. It just is good. There's no instructions. There's no regulations like like the positive half of like the flip side of the coin of regulations. There's no dues. There's no instructions. It's just it's in your face like okay the the the regulations the down below is over. We're now in the past. >> You don't get instructions >> all of a sudden. >> But that's what I'm saying. You said you don't need instructions. The going through the difficult time did something to your brain. >> It changed your brain. Now when you're in the quote unquote good days, your brain is different. You will see things that you wouldn't have seen before. So you don't need instructions to open your eyes. >> Oh, so that's boom. That's exactly what I was looking for. The instructions are open your eyes. You have all the regulations and and instructions for the low. And then once you get out of it, you're now instructions are it's there. Just open your eyes like the moon. Okay, I'll take that. Thank you. >> You You know everything you need to know. You were prepared for this moment. And the preparation is what you just finished going through. So you don't have to Here's the thing. And and >> if if you're if you're if you don't live something, you can never really know it. Even if you learn about it, you're just memorizing somebody else's knowledge. So then you need instructions typed up on a sheet for you. But if you lived it, if you went through that hell yourself, you don't need any instructions typed up. Your brain got changed. Your eyes get got changed. Just open up your eyes and you're going to see things differently. you're going to see things the way that you need to see them. >> Okay. And how do you how do you open your eyes and and live differently when like the the low points is just is just one heel step behind you? It's like right there. Like sometimes it's hard to like it's like harder to open your eyes and like live with the experience you have. It's sometimes easier to fall back or think back to like the right behind you that low right there. like how do you exercise? Meaning I guess there's a lot of like I'll say again rules, instructions, regulations when it comes to the low in the in the high you're saying it's just open your eyes to what you've just gained the the change that happened in your in your mind and then go with that and and grow and and help others grow. But like like it'd be nice to have like a I don't know a slogan or a mindset or kind of an instruction to like ground you to the to the new phase and like without having to look back at the low and like go back into it, you know? I'm seeing if the people in the chat have any uh have any insight. Someone writes, "Learning Torah can also make you insightful." Yeah, sometimes you got to learn it firsthand. Like we say, what are you asking? You're asking how should you look at that period of time, the difficult period of time? >> It's it's it's easier to be in the low phase because it's like happening. It's right there. there. It's like the the the experiences are are more like more apparent. It's more like in your face kind of or like the three weeks there's actual regulations to the to the high. It's just a matter of keeping your eyes open. >> Hello. >> Yeah. >> Elaborate please. That's the That's the struggle, I guess. >> I'll elaborate. Um I like I don't know like how to describe it. It's more like you have an experience which you know there's a lot going on in the experience like the lower exper the low experiences are like a lot more like tangible versus the high which is you're saying opening your eyes it's not very tangible and like us being people in this world it's a lot easier to go back to the tangible going back to like the regulations the rules the you know the the tangible things. So yeah, essentially you're out of that period of of the low, but it's so easy to think back or or go back to the habits or the regulations, the rules of the low. It's a lot harder to just open your eyes and live a new, you know, with those experiences. You're talking about two different things. You're talking about the habits that perhaps you form when you're in survival mode going through a difficult time as opposed to the insights that have become the second nature of your brain. Those are two different things. >> Yeah, that's that's >> I'm also referring to the emotions emotions you go through >> emotional habits >> like you're given three weeks of of regulated emotions. uh and the nine days of like okay this is morning and yeah emotional habits correct like let's say I'm out the other end you know you made it you went through the experiences and you've grown you did you you see the growth you had but but the emotions the emotional emotion emotional habits whatever however you described it they're right there and like the new period is kind of just like a passive experience and for people like for being a person in this world and being earthly You know, passive is a lot harder than active. >> Yeah. >> Like surrender. Surrender fle is very very hard. >> The hardest thing, >> right? >> Someone wrote in the chat, by the way, I think they're talking about you. They said, "What does he expect? Unicorns." You have a good response for that. >> Someone wrote, "There's a part of our brain that only grows through hardship and it makes it easier to handle hardship in the future." That's an important point by the way also interior midsulate cortex. So the growth and value of the hardship is intrinsic. But what's the question? How do I know if I surrendered or gave up? Oh my gosh, that's deep. You said, "Oh, you ever heard that before? How do I know if I surrendered or gave?" >> Whatever. What? >> You were talking about BL. >> Someone said, "How do I know?" >> Exactly. That's exactly my question. >> How do I know if I surrendered or gave up >> the line, >> right? You're saying that this next period is just about like kind of existing and and you know, like opening your eyes, but how do I know if I'm surrendering or giving up? You know, >> someone wrote here, "It's like moving out of your home." I realized today I can do it in two days, but that would suck because all of the boxes and work >> or I can do it slowly, one hour a day for an extended period of time. By the way, uh Tybo wrote in the chat that we have a caller, another caller. Did they call in? >> There's no one on the line yet. >> No one on the line. >> Once they call in, we'll uh >> hold on a second. Um, [Music] Let me just check the email real quick. [Music] See? Okay. So, basically what what's your conclusion here? You tell us wrap it up for us. Give us some clarity. What what should we know? >> Um I think you I think you I think you wrapped it up pretty good. I think you summed it up. It's about that experiences and not in the past, but it's you're present now. Also, like those regulations that were put in place are to learn, to grow. And once it's over, you have to open your eyes and live those experiences, but not as lows as highs. And the ultimate high is to go and then teach other people as well. >> Yes, that's beautiful. And that's what I think the meaning of life is in case you're wondering. Someone's writing in the chat, please can we discuss surrender versus giving up or numbing the pain? Yeah. Okay. So, can we discuss this? What's the difference between surrender versus giving up? Okay. So, uh, here's how I see it. Surrender is when you are prepared to accept the reality without any buffers, without any escape, without any numbness. You're just going to be fully present even if it's excruciating. That's surrender. Because basically it's saying, God, I'm not going to try to edit this reality. I'm going to be just completely present and lucid in whatever reality you choose to create. And it can be very painful. Giving up is h cares. Reality isn't that important anyway. You know what? I'm just going to go back to my dysfunctional coping mechanisms and uh got to do, you know, like the previous caller where she was talking about her co-parent who's basically just in survival mode and constantly just doing what he wants to do and lying about it so that he can continue doing it. That's called giving up. Giving up is like I'm going to be a slave to my survival impulses and that's it. I don't care. Yeah. Do we have this next caller on the line yet? So when we say I'm reading the comments. So when we say how does that fit in with surrender I don't know does it does it say we say toem open up your hands or you actually saying it as a description you open up your hands hashem He opens up his hands and satiates every living thing with its desires. Now, how does that fit in with surrender? Um, yeah. Well, part of surrender is realizing that this is true, that Hashem is taking care of every living thing. And if Hashem is taking care of every living thing, what are you straining so much for? Let him take care of every living thing, including you. [Music] One second. I'm checking the donations. Okay. So, one of them is anonymous. $9 doubled to be 18. Everything's matched. Anonymous. No message, but for $9 effectively 18. No, hold on. There's one before that even. Nathan Lax, I saw you first on Instagram reels and I'm excited to see more. Thank you. Anonymous then. Oh, hold there's another N. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, fine. All right, cool. And then there's an anonymous gave to the for the cats team. $7 doubled V14. Fantastic. All right. If that other caller didn't call in yet, I don't think we should wait around anymore. Tired, too. >> Uh, we have our next caller. >> Oh, we do. Great. Hello. >> They're on the line right now. Welcome to the call, Joe. >> Yes. Hello. >> Hello. >> Yeah, you're on the air. How are you doing? >> Oh, great. >> Fantastic. Okay, so what are we talking about? Okay. Um, so I saw your post and I was just wondering about, you know, stepparenting and if you had any words of wisdom that you could bestow upon me uh, regarding that. >> Okay. So, you ever seen this show called The Brady Bunch? >> No, but I have heard of it. >> Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was going to say to you, it's not like that. So, you don't have to [Laughter] anyways. Is is is there a specific thing about stepparenting or just in general the challenges of stepparenting? Um, well, one specific thing is like, you know, loving a person, another person's child, but just always feeling like you're on the outside, you know, because you're not like the real parent, but you do wind up becoming a parent, you know, like completely. >> Yeah. >> But it's just kind of isolating and very challenging in that aspect. So, I'm going to tell you something, and if it doesn't resonate with you, I want you to completely just reject it. You don't have to grapple with accepting what I'm saying. If it doesn't fit, then just send it right back. >> Okay. Here are my thoughts about stepparenting. I think that stepparenting in today's day and age has become inordinately difficult because of an expectation that's been placed on stepparents. And it's fairly common. I mean there are enough remarages today, second marriages where happens pretty often. You have a stepparent type situation, right? I think today's day and age, >> I don't know how long it's been this way, but you know, I'm 51 and I think certainly like most of my life, I've seen this and I've seen it growing and growing. They they whose they I don't know society created this message of like where this unreasonable expectation that you're supposed to have the exact level of relationship with your stepchild as with your own child. And I think that sets people up for failure. And really great stepparents who are really devoted end up feeling like failures because they can't live up to what a parent is able to do. And and and I I just want to like explain that a little more. >> A parent is given a special superhuman ability from God to take care of their child. It's a special thing that a parent has for a child. Now a stepparent can be a very important figure in a stepchild's life. They can be a mentor, a guide, a protector. Um they can be you know like like having I don't want to minimize it by saying like a really important teacher who changed your life because it's more than you know a teacher. A teacher you might have for one year and this is someone who's in in your life for many years you know or for the rest of your life. But what I'm saying is I think we do a disservice by just telling a stepparent be a parent. It's a different role. It's not the same as a parent. >> It's a loving >> adult in a child's life who can meet a lot of that child's emotional needs. But at the same time, there has to be some recognition that there's certain things that just you can't do because it's not your own child. And >> right, >> you know, I've seen that stepparents who have the humility to recognize that limitation end up feeling a lot a lot better about their role as stepparents and having better relationships with their stepchildren. So, I don't know if that resonates with you at all, but you know, I definitely think that it's it's a if if you com if you compare yourself to a regular parent, you're you're doing yourself a disservice. It's a different category. It's a different type of relationship. >> Like, >> yeah, you know, I that does resonate. >> It does. Okay. And and what it means is like you can look at your role as a stepparent and like you know you're a person I'm sure who you work on yourself and you try to grow and you try to be better every day. So you can look at yourself as a steparent and say how can I be a better stepparent today >> than yesterday. Like what can I do >> to provide >> more guidance, more love, more support for this for this child. But that's very different than holding yourself to the standard of of feeling the lack that let me let me put it like this. You cannot be a substitute parent. There's something that your stepchild can only get from their own parents that you cannot fill. And it's wrong to expect you to fill it. >> What you can be, yes, you're agreeing with that. What you can be as a supplement, >> a supplement you can add to your stepchild's life. You can enrich their life, but a supplement, not a substitute. You're not replacing their parent, >> right? Yes, I I agree with that because it's impossible to replace someone like that, you know. >> That's right. You only have one mother. >> Um, >> and by the way, there are cases where, let's say, a parent is dysfunctional, god forbid, and where the steparent is way more helpful to the child than the actual parent. There are many cases like that. And yet you still can't compare the two. They're fundamentally different roles, >> right? >> Yeah. Yes. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. It's uh the expectation to fill those shoes is pretty impossible. >> It's impossible, right? And when you try to do something that's impossible, eventually you just give up >> and then you don't even do what's possible, >> right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. Uh I think uh what some people say is, you know, like the love that you have for your biological children is >> different than the love that you have for your stepchildren, but they're both unique and special in their own ways. And I can say that that is true. >> And you know, it's not wrong. >> No, it's a reality. Yeah, >> thank you. >> All right. I'm glad that that helps. >> But yes, it does. Thank you very much. >> Hey, my pleasure. Thanks for calling in. All right. >> Yeah, no problem. >> Okay, that was a nice call. Byebye. I'm going to read a uh dedication here. We just had a uh another Oh, actually two donations. Another anonymous donation, $5 doubled for 10. And then we have another anonymous, $36 doubled for 72 with a comment which I'm going to read. Barak Hashem, Mashiach. Now, I can definitely get behind that. It says BH, which I'm assuming is Barak Hashem. Mashiach now. All caps now exclamation point. I can agree with that. We want Mashiah now. Okay. Um second [Music] Yeah, I'm going to take a look at the chat. Call into the calling show. You got to call into the calling show. Call into the call in show. Call into the show. [Music] I'm looking in the chat right now. Any more callers coming in? [Music] to the calling show. [Music] Uh, we have another caller on the line. >> All right. Hello, caller. You're live on the air. Hi Ra. >> Yes. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Hi, this is Manakum speaking. Uh but I prefer to stay anonymous. Okay. >> So just a few quick questions and I just have to jump off the call. >> Yes. >> I firstly I would like to thank you very much. Am I coming through clear? >> Yes, we hear you loud and clear. >> Okay. So I think you know who I am and I know who you are. >> Yes. But uh just for the public, we're going to keep this uh anonymous. >> No problem. >> Um quick question. Um Okay, good. Um regarding tuba of which is Shabas. >> Yes. >> So do you mind you could probably do a better job than me. What's what's what's the history brought on Mishnice and Tinus that the women of your Shalim would dance in the fields in white >> and the boys would come and check them out. >> Yes. So like just I just want to first just establish that briefly. >> Okay. So you are correctly uh conveying what is described in the Mishna as you also cited the source correctly the Mishna and Tinus that the Benoyalim the daughters of Jerusalem used to head out into the vineyards dressed in white and uh it was sort of like a pageant of sorts and these were single girls and then the single guys would come and sort check them out and then the girls would have an opportunity to sort of pitch themselves and it's described in the in the Gumra that those who were beautiful would try to emphasize that aspect. They'd say marry us for our beauty and those who were from illustrious lineage would sell that. Uh and then those who didn't have either of those qualities would appeal to the altruism of the young men and say, "Marry us for the sake of heaven. Marry us for the for the mitzvah." Um yeah. So that was the scene. I don't know historically when that stopped. Although if anybody tried it today, I think they would have uh I don't know how Manakim, how do you think that would go over if somebody would just open up the Mishna and follow >> Right. That's I was wondering that that that's that's exactly what I was leading to. That's exactly what I was leading to. You literally took the words out of my mouth or >> Yeah. >> Work them out. Took them Yeah. >> Right. Um, if someone did that today, like everyone meet up at uh, let's say in Crown Heights, give me an example, or in somewhere in Chicago or somewhere, let's say in the Van Horn Park on Westbury in Montreal, Canada. Okay, call them old single buck and and and uh, and seminary girls and age 18 and up, >> right? >> You know, come hang out, barbecue tonight, blah blah blah, and on a tuba of >> speed dating. It's basically a speed dating. It is a speed dating. Yeah, it's it is it's a speed dating. It's a singles event >> and I think you could get away with doing it for people from a secular background, but if you did this for like the religious community, I think you would be shut down pretty quickly. >> So, I believe it's it's it's yeah, I think they it's very popular. They call it tuba of white white party and and no white party. Did he >> I'm sorry I forgot I don't know the exact uh word for >> Sean Puffy parties. Those are that has a very I don't know maybe the Kabad houses did tuba of white parties but they're definitely not doing white parties anymore. Pdy his his beckanalians were called white parties. So I think that name was spoiled. >> Call again could be I have the name wrong but I believe Kabad also do something in honor of Tuba of where the men and women young men and women >> like the YJP programs young Jewish professionals you know. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. But if you did this let's say for yeshiva and seminary girls >> you'd be shut down. >> Yeah. It wouldn't go down. >> It would not go down. >> Yeah. >> Right. >> Yeah. So, so I'm just wondering like like what's what's up with that? >> I don't know that >> seemingly this is this is based this is based in and furthermore what's interesting is and this is an interesting thing. It seems like what you based on what you said that the woman would approach the boys and not not vice versa. I always understood that the boy has to ask the men the woman out the girl out >> right. Yeah. It's interesting. the girl would she would uh I guess I don't want to say make the first move because that might sound crass but she would initiate. Yeah. >> I just that was very fascinating. Yeah. Obviously there's other details why the vineyard why specifically the vineyard. >> Yeah. So you want to try to revive this >> you want to try to revive this customer. No, no, no. I'm not going I'm not I'm not I'm not going there. I have enough on my plate. >> Yeah. Yeah. Enough going on. Yeah. It would be interesting to find out historically when the last time is that that was done. >> Yeah. I was thinking maybe your brother David can make a rabbit hole on this. He he would uh >> he would do well with that and he probably could find out with his research team when the practice >> um fell out of >> Yeah. popularity. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. It's I just I find it fascinating how, you know, culture shifts and things, you know. >> Yeah. >> Things change. >> What was normal then today would be would be like it would be who knows what. >> I just can't even imagine if I made a fake fly on chat GPT and I put it out on WhatsApp. It wouldn't go down very well. >> Yeah. Things change. Like could you imagine if you started a restaurant in Brooklyn where you where you sold kouta khabavi? >> What's that? >> Kouta khabavi is one of the most scrumptious um talmudic snacks. Kut kabavei is breadcrumbs and cream and salt and it was really popular in Tamuric times and it's probably someone could Google this but it probably appears in shas like a hundred times. Kutabi comes up all the time but nobody eats that anymore. >> So I'm saying you know things culturally uh change they evolve. If you tried to sell quit the kabavei today, nobody would really, >> no pun intended. >> No, maybe there are very good in these things. They they could maybe revive it, you know, package it. >> Mhm. >> Maybe we could pitch it to them. >> It's interesting. Do you think do you think um how did it go down on Chabas? Shab like what? Tuba like >> Oh, and when Tuba fell on Shabas >> Friday night. >> Yeah. There's nothing about that ritual I can think of that would be problematic on Shabas. He's just dancing around in a field. >> So maybe maybe it's time to revive it or you get up again. >> I certainly I don't want to do it cuz you know, who knows? Who knows? Maybe there's a good reason why it >> but I know I know I know at s I know at soulwords.org/tuba05785 you're accepting names up until chabas. >> Yes to be for names of singles people can submit names of singles uh to be brought to the oil in honor of >> right >> so I was wondering maybe you had you have names maybe you could even start getting into the sham business. >> That's interesting. Like it's a good idea to bring names to the Reb, but but maybe you could start matching names to like I don't know how you would do it because you're not really taking any other you're not taking resumes. >> No, >> but maybe maybe that could you know, >> right? I don't have any other information names. >> You mean do do you do you do have you done? >> I attempted like making a few times. I never successfully made a shiddok. Um I don't know. I don't I don't know if that's it's Can I tell you something interesting? Can I tell you? Okay. There's a mimer from the alter which explains the gum in uh about 40 days before conception. the um the bos the heavenly voice proclaims this girl is going to marry this boy. Okay. So, and it says that um it's like the the miraculous splitting of the sea. Okay. That's what it says in the soba meaning the balata the firstbad says being that this whole thing is proclaimed in heaven. It's like this miraculous supernatural thing. It's very hard to make it work on earth. I'm not talking about marriage. I'm not talking about shambias yet. I'm talking about just getting them together, you know, getting them to meet and and agree to to get married. It doesn't follow the normal rules because it's it's from a it's from a heavenly plane. It's from, you know, another level of reality. So he says because of that the only way to make it happen down here is you have to sort of break the rules and he says that's why every successful match has some aspect of falsehood in it and doesn't say this but in other places maybe you've heard this it says that shad the matchmaker is have you ever heard this shad is an acronym Yeah, no something. >> Yeah, >> speaks falsehood and he collects money. But the alter says that it's actually unavoidable. There has to be some deceit in every successful. Now, what does that mean? Because there's a prohibition in Torah against misleading people, dece deceiving people. It's called genevas das. literally stealing someone's mind. >> Someone someone has if someone is struggling someone is struggling with something I assume at some point you got to be honest if they're a girl into into marrying you. >> Yeah. >> Right. Or if somebody has uh some type of a struggle or an issue they're dealing with, it doesn't mean that they're not good marriage material, but there has to be disclosure, right? That the other party has a right to know what they're getting into. So when we say that >> has to be a right match, >> right? So we're not saying that you lie about important information. I believe what it means is this. Um actually I was the other day at the Soulwards house. I was speaking to Rifka Krinsky because uh Rifka and were doing their uh from what it was called from the inside out podcast at Soul Word Studios and she was going to a singles event in Muny I think it was she was speaking she asked me what to speak about and I gave her a couple ideas which I I don't know what she ended up speaking about. By the way, did you get the diapers? I gave Mrs. Krinsky the diapers to she lives on Carol Street and you lives on Carol Street so she brought the diapers in her purse. So you just let me know if you got the diapers from Mrs. Krinsky and if you didn't please go pick them up from her. Um what was I going to say? So what we were talking about the the deceit the misleading the >> diapers should >> the diapers. No no no it's a separate thing. My My son needed diapers. My son needed diapers for his baby. >> And so I had to drove halfway >> to pick up from my wife. >> My wife met me in the parking lot of the Lens Crafters. Listen, this is important. My wife met me in the parking lot of the Lens Crafters on on uh Sunrise Highway and then I brought the diapers to the Soulwards house and then you saw forgot them and I gave them to Rifkrinsky to bring to Crown Heights. She was first had to go to to go to my for a single event. She was speaking there. What were how did I get on there? I was speaking to her and Oh, right. So, she you know that she's a she's a shan. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Okay. So, um I I was saying to her that you know suggesting matches is easy. any anyone can uh suggest a match. What a shad really gets paid for and what takes skill and what very few are able to do is close a deal. It's very hard to close a deal. >> And in order to close the deal, there is definitely massaging of the truth that goes on. And what I mean by this is again not lying to people about facts about who they're marrying because that would be terrible to mislead someone to get married to someone under false pretenses. But what it does mean is sometimes after a date the shad calls the guy calls the girl and they give the report and the shad doesn't exactly accurately convey how the other side felt because the shadan's trying to push things in a certain direction sometimes to create some tension to keep things interesting to keep it going like suggesting oh you know maybe you need to push more this way And or sometimes Shan realizes, hold on, the opposite. You know, you got to step back. You're coming on too strong. So Shanhan will like say things that are not 100% true to like get the right emotional mix going on that will get things what would be an what would be an example? So instead of saying >> like instead the guy is to say the guy is six is six foot and he's really 5'11. >> No, no, no. What I'm saying is they went out. She calls the guy. She calls the girl. He says, "Ah, whatever. She's nice, but it wasn't so exciting." Now, she doesn't Shodgun doesn't necessarily have to tell that exact. Of course, she's not going to say that. And not just because it's impolite, but because that would kind of kill the deal. What you do is you try to like keep the both parties interested and you tell her, you know, he said that he really liked it when you did such and such. Maybe he didn't even say that, but it's just a way of creating more engagement. And then in the end, obviously, you know, they've got to make the decision whether they want to get married. But what I'm saying is a shad will massage the truth about how each party was speaking about their experience on the dates in order to get it to a to close the deal. >> That's what I believe it means. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Now, you asked me originally, do am I into making? So, here's what I'm going to tell you. That was my very long way of explaining to you why. No, I'm not into it and I don't think I would ever be good at it. You know me, like you said at the beginning of the call, you know who I am and I know who you are. You know me. I have certain strengths and I have certain weaknesses. I don't know if you call this a strength or a weakness. I don't know which category it's in, but I'm very blunt and very honest. By the way, that's why I don't like when people call me for shiddok references because I I will always tell the truth and People are so scared to tell the truth with the reference. They always assume that it's way worse than what I'm saying because what most people do is they take an issue and they like minimize it and that's what they tell you. But I do the opposite. I I just say it the way it is and then people assume they have to like multiply it by 10 in order to get the truth. You know, it's like if you see an article that says that the the Kabad House had an event, there were 100 people. So, you know, it means there were 60 people. That's the math, right? >> So, okay. Um, I So, I am not good at playing with truth. I'm so blunt. That's why I don't think I could be a good Sean. >> Well, maybe. Yeah. All right. I hear that. I hear that. We're not sure why to practice anymore. Okay, listen. You got the names. You got names and uh you're going to go before Shabas. >> Yeah, we'll take the names in. We have like a Google doc of the names. We'll bring them in and you know >> we'll see some uh >> soulwords.org org.org. >> Yeah. >> Tuba 5785. >> That's correct. So, >> yeah. And then I guess people people could go and then people could also submit their names and resume to maybe to Rainsky. >> Yeah. >> She has uh you got to do >> you got to do your list. That is correct. >> Her website is is >> Do you know >> her website is one soul.org. One soul o neol.org. Yeah, I know. I just checked it up now. >> I Google the name pretty quick. >> Okay. >> Okay. Well, thank you very much. Thank you for taking my call. >> My pleasure. >> Good news. >> Oh, man. Okay. Be well. >> Yeah. >> Okay. That was a great call. I really had fun with that. I'm just checking the donations. We have Rob Rom for the Cats team. $9 doubled to 18. Thank you, Rob Ram for the Cats team. Okay, I'm getting tired. Can I tell you? Yeah. [Music] I think we're done. I think we did a good job. I'm really tired. We're going to do this, God willing, next week.