Life is a Choice - Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik

[Music] [Applause] I'm imagine imagine um it's the beginning of the school year and your daughter comes home and says to you IMA I love my new teacher I I have a science teacher he he's the greatest teacher ever I love my new teacher and you're also happy like your your daughter's happy and you say why and she says because he said there's going to be no tests there's no test he is moonlighting at a community college and he has no time to grade all the papers so there's going to be no test I love my new he's the greatest teacher ever and what are you thinking as you're calling up the school to get this guy fired this is the worst teacher ever why anybody here a teacher teachers teachers what do you teach math math so math it brings back bad memories I'm sorry all right so imagine imagine oh no so obviously you give tests right do you give tests okay so why are you giving your kids the test how old are these kids high school high school okay perfect so how so why why are you testing them they won't remember it otherwise unless they review it right to force them to review so they'll remember what's your goal in the Year what's your goal um my goal to challenge them to teach them to become motivated and um to give them study skills okay great so she wants them to to realize their potential and to get all the skills that they need to realize their potential in this this subject in math you know math you know some of my kids got my husband's math Gene he's like a walking calculator and some of them got my math Gene poor things all right um but I tell my daughter who's like you know they always say in math like they're always saying this doesn't apply to me Al who cares I go shopping is math Okay cooking is math onethird you double the recipe like there are practical applications to this all right so that's what your motivation is that's what you're thinking I'm giving the test because I care about these kids I want them to get the right skills I want to know if I'm teaching properly right they're absorbing the material and her goal is that they should realize their potential in the subject what are the kids thinking when you announce the task thank you so much for caring about me so much that's not what they're thinking they're thinking like she gets off on giving us pain I can't wait this subject to be over another T they can't believe it they just they don't even care about they're thinking the opposite so too with the almighty the almighty is sending us tasks because he cares and he wants us to realize our potential in what subject the subject of life life but when the test comes are we thinking thank you so much my Creator who cares and loves me so much brought me this challenge in this test is that what we're thinking no we're pointing fingers blaming other people around us complaining woe is me feeling sorry for ourselves everything happens to me you're pointing fingers instead of turning it around and realizing that this is a test between me and my creator and the almighty sent me this test because he loves me and he wants me to be great when you realize it's a Tas it's 90% towards passing the test you already got a 90 if you just realize that this is a test instead of blaming and complaining and pointing fingers how do you know that something is a test from God how do you know it's a test you know it's a task because it's hard and what's hard for you is not hard for me and what's hard for me is not necessarily hard for you but if it's hard for you it's a test so 90% towards passing the test is just realizing it's a test how do you know it's a test because it's hard the next 5% is realizing what category of test it falls under the next 5% is just following through based on it so most of it is just realizing it's a test all right so I'm going to um walk you through the different categories of tests and there's an acronym with it so you can remember it because when you're in the middle of a test you're not going to call up don't call me because I never answer my phone and you're not going to have your notes with you and I'm telling you this wisdom works it's life-changing wisdom I adapted this from something I learned from s rler who learned it from Rabbi Le Kean and I've adapted it and put it into a form that people hopefully can be able to access so easily the acronym is gcam GC a m like God's camera God's sending you a task and he's waiting to see if you pass and why is the almighty sending us a Tas because he cares that teacher that science teacher doesn't care the if a teacher cares the teacher will give tasks because my kid who came home on the first day and said I love my science teacher because my science teacher doesn't give tasks how how is she going to do that year H is she going to learn anything is she going to try is she going to make any effort at all no think of uh a test that you went through in life something hard you got it if somebody would have said to you before you went through it this is what you're going to go through what would you have said to them no way no no no no no no no that I couldn't handle not that but guess what you did you're sitting here as testimony to the fact that somehow you did handle it and I would put money on it that you became a very different person because you passed that test because you got through it all these women who come on our trips this Jewish women's Renaissance project that I have this birth right for mothers so this year we had 1,200 women from 15 different countries and next year I'm actually one of the reasons I'm here is we're signing a contract with the Israeli government because they want to double our numbers next year because they came to us they saw what we were doing and it's really a tremendous thing and some of these women a lot of people ask me oh do you get to know all the women on no okay I can barely remember my kidss names let alone these women's names all right so I don't get but who do I do I do get to know a handful who do I get to know the the hard cases the women who are really going through heavy stuff because the women who come they we partner with organizations around the world in order to do this and these organizations are recruiting the women and they're Staffing the buses and I tell them we call them city leaders the uh often their their rabis wives or their Educators who come on the trip to leave the women and I say to them you are the first line of defense if a woman is having an issue with her roommate or she misses her kids or she's struggling in her marriage or whatever it is that she's dealing with you're the first line of defense you handle it but if you can't handle it or you feel I would be better then send her to me that's what I'm here for so the women I get to know are the women who have been through a lot of stuff or going through something very heavy and just when you think you've heard it all you haven't heard it all professional Jewish women you can't even imagine what's going on in their lives you can't even imagine so one so I do it my best to try to help them but sometimes it's a situation where you just no matter what you say you're not you're not going to be of any help but one thing I do tell them and I really I I'm telling you I I see it and I believe it that people who go through stuff become people of substance and people who have gone through stuff they have a little bit of disdain for people who are complaining that the throw pillow came back with the wrong Fabric and that's the worst thing that's going on in their lives really when you become when you go through heavy things you become a heavier person and you see life in a heavier way in a deeper way I wish it was that we grew tremendously when everything is going great you just clinging to the almighty you're just really growing as a person going up that lad of potential I wish it was true but in general we grow when it's hard when you're testing and when I said to you to think of something that you went through and you didn't think that you had it in you guess what you had it in you you reach down and you found some something with inside you and the support of the people around you they got you through it that's pretty amazing now we don't want it to be that we cling to God only when times are tough but it is human nature so gcam God's camera that's our acronym because there's four different categories of tests remember most of passing the test is just realizing it's a test the next 5% is what category does it fall under so I'm going to go through all four categories and each category comes with a choice this or that the first category is Giver versus taker Giver versus taker here's the scenario and try to be honest all right you know somebody in the community and you don't really get along you had a falling out all right this is not your favorite person somebody who knows both of you calls you up and says that that woman that you don't really get along with had to leave the country go abroad for medical tests and the test came back it wasn't good news she's going to have to stay for an extended period of time abroad so we're all getting and she has to give up her apartment so we're all getting together this Sunday and we are going to pack up her stuff are you in so for those of you who said I'm in this is not a test this is not hard I'm in I'm in for those of you said I'm not in it's also not a test I'm not in for those in between it's a test I didn't I don't really want to spend the day packing up This Woman's stuff I had other plans imagine your daughter was let's make it because Sunday's not really a good day here in terms of using the scenario let's let's make it an a Shabbat okay so it's a chabas it's Friday all right okay so now now it's becoming a test okay people are switching sides already okay okay it's AR Chavez and um you were told your daughter your daughter was having a a little bit of a tough week you told your daughter you know what I'm going to make sure chabas is ready AR of chabas it's you and me little TLC day all right we're going to just you and EMA we're going to go out we're going to go shopping we're just you know your your daughter needs special time if you choose to spend the day with your daughter and not packing up This Woman's stuff are you choosing to be a taker no you're choosing be choosing to be a giver to your daughter but imagine you were having a hard week and you decided you know what a of shabus I'm going to make sure shabus is ready and a Shabbat I'm going to get my nails done I'm going to have a TLC day cuz if I'm not for myself who am I for okay got it all right so now you get the call about packing up This Woman's stuff now it's getting a little a little little murky all right do you hear even with your daughter because you don't want to go spend the day packing up this woman stuff but even with your daughter you're choosing to be give with your daughter but maybe for for 45 minutes that day you and your daughter could go over and you're doing together do you understand imagine you are chairing the school fund raiser and you have very important meetings you're setting up because there's going to be a malava Maka and a of chabas you're going to be setting everything up and you're in charge can you pack up This Woman's stuff no no it's not a test you can't go but imagine you are going you're planning to uh just be another volunteer at the fundraiser and you know contribute financially to it so you could send your check in you could spend time do you see how things and how easy it is to rationalize our choices and life is choice you made a thousand choices today should I get up should I sleep in should I wear this eat this be with this person do this it life is choice so when it says in the Torah to make a choice we're supposed to choose what we're supposed to choose life what does that mean choose to Breathe No choose life choose awareness choose understanding choose to question choose to strive be alive eternal life choose life make choices that are only that are going to change your life here and in the world to come choose life so when you're faced with a choice again and the choice is a test and you know it's a test because it's hard so the first option is Giver versus taker now when you make a choice and you have to be real with it and you know it's hard and this is a task you have to stop and say out loud this is a test this is a test sent to me by God because he loves me and he wants me to be great I recognize it's a test and I choose to be a it's very hard to say the word taker but sometimes you have to say it I choose to be a taker if you choose to be a taker in the ladder of your potential you're going down but there are times we go down cuz sometimes it's three steps up and two steps down but at least you're up a step but just know you're going down but going down doesn't mean you should let go of the ladder and fall into a black hole in an abyss no you made a mistake and then you get back on track but at least know you made a mistake I tell my kids everybody makes mistakes look look in the Tanakh okay it's filled with people making mistakes what you do with that mistake is the test of who you are do you grow from that mistake do you make good do you become a better person do you or does it become Define you and you go down and then you label yourself and all the bad things that can happen from there but I tell them if you make a mistake at least know you made a mistake don't rationalize that it's not a mistake you blew it at least know it the author of my last my co-author of my last book um his name is Bob berg he's like the zig Ziggler motivational speaker and he has all the lines he says rationalize are rational lies so be careful not to rationalize your life away and we do it because nobody wakes up and says I'm going to do the wrong thing today I'm going to make poor choices today this was no we all rationalize why this was the right thing and you can fool a lot of people but can't fool the almighty all right so first one is Giver versus taker the second of gcam C is connection versus estrangement connection versus estrangement my by my reacting what I say how I say it when I say it is either going to bring me closer to this person or far away when it's a test between you and your husband you never have to wonder what category is this it's always this category always when it's a task between you and one of your children you never have to wonder what category is this it's always this category when it's between you and your siblings or friends SI 60% of the time it's this category when it's between you and your parents 40% of the time it's this category this is either going to bring me closer or far away when it comes between when it's between you and other people for sure with our spouse and for sure with our children there are no neutral interactions there's no par of interactions either this is being interpreted by the person as positive or negative either this makes them feel closer to you or farther apart there is no neutral you think that it's just instructive to remind your husband to take out the garbage right it's part it's not positive it's not negative you're just sharing information and reminding him nicely how is he interpreting it you're nagging you're it's negative you're just reminding your child to put their backpack away or to do their homework this is just po this is constructive information but how are they interpreting it as negative there are no neutral interactions things that you think are simple and nothing are something everything is something so let me give you an example let me give you the example that Sor gave publicly this is a great example she said that um one night her husband said to her honey do you want to go for dinner she's like great they live in the old city of Jerusalem they came into town and now they're having dinner and he said to her over dinner I have to tell you something she says what he says remember cousin deadbeat well he came to me last year to coign on a gamak loan and he didn't pay it back so you know the $2,000 we've been saving up for a family vacation in Nat we have to give it to the gak if you're the wife at this point and you have to react is this a test no I was teaching this in Washington DC where I live and there was somebody sitting to my left who's very wealthy and I said is this a test she goes no I go let's add a few zeros it's $200,000 she goes now it's a test okay I was teaching here some Cola wives they're like $200 is a test okay so whether you have to add zeros or take away zeros for most women your husband didn't ask you he he he co-signed on a Gak loan to to a dead beat cousin and now all the money sa up for vacation we're going to give to the gah for most women this is a test how do you know it's a test because it's hard so you know what she said to him I have to leave the table for a few minutes she leaves the table she goes out into the Jerusalem night and she says out loud this is a test this is a test sent to me by Hashem because he loves me and he wants me to be great I recognize it's a task and I she says it took her five minutes to say and I choose connection she went back to the table and said to him clearly I would have preferred if you had come to me before you did this but we're we're in this together and we're going to get through this together she said it's been 6 months and they've never come for the money why because it has nothing to do with the money it has nothing to do with her husband it has nothing to do with the cousin dead be it has nothing to do with gak this was a test between her and Hashem and once you pass the test often it goes away because the reason the almighty sent you the task was to make you a greater person and once you become a greater person not always but often I have seen it it goes away there's a couple that we know we live uh in Suburban Washington DC in Rockville Maryland and there's a couple that we know there she started coming to my classes and she started getting excited about her Judaism and she brought it home to her husband her husband was like no way Jose okay this man was not moving jewishly and I coached her and she sort of brought him along brought him along and he was one of those guys that you know he would say absolutely not we're not keeping kosher and once we got him over that line then he become like the poster boy for kosher everybody's B kosher okay so but everything was like that coming to Shou Shabbat everything was like that and they got to the point where I said to her listen you got to move you got to move cuz they were basically Sher shabas at this point except they were driving to sh because they lived outside the neighborhood so uh she comes home and she tells her husband we gotta move and he's like that's it that's my line no way okay okay like stop talking to Lori so some of the husbands you know after the trip I'll go to the cities and countries where women are from and I meet the husbands and sometimes the husbands are like oh you're Lori and some of them are like oh you're Lori okay okay all right so anyway so so she I coached her and she got him to the point where he's like fine okay fine don't they're gonna move so every Sunday they would drive around the neighborhood going to open houses looking for a house and week after week after week there was never a house he was like Goldilocks and the Three Bears this one's too big this one's too small this one that Den is on this side I wanted to be outside there was always something she's just like just buy a house already and she was really getting upset so I learned this wisdom I came back from from Israel and I sat down with her and I shared it with her the next Sunday she sends me a text message she says we're outside another house and this one's to whatever and she wrote I choose connection and the next week he bought a house and they're pillars of our Community like it changed their whole life they went on to have more children it's like unbelievable amazing why because it had nothing to do with the real estate market it had nothing to do with her husband's pickiness it it was the test between her and God and once she passed the test and spoke to him in a different way and reacted in a different way and realized that oh my gosh he's just being sent by Hashem as as my task so that I'll become a better person the test went away my husband uh I fly people often ask me like do you like living in Washington and and the best part about living in that area is there's three airports because I'm always somewhere and um and I wasn't like you know my kids were little I was at home with them but they're they're grown now and I have lots of options okay so three airports means lots of options I can fly into this one that one so one time my husband offered to drive me to the airport sometimes I get a car service and sometimes uh he'll drive me so it's great so now we're driving and my husband decided that day to use a different route okay we were in the worst DC traffic I I it was unbelievable and I'm looking at my watch and I'm going to miss my plane and I'm the speaker at an event I'm the only speaker at this event and I'm freaking out and he knows I'm freaking out and things started getting tense between us and we started getting into a fight I'm like well why did you why did you go a different way don't you this is rush hour traffic why did you go through DC we're fighting we're fighting fighting and I realize as we're fighting oh my gosh this is a test cuz this is hard cuz I was phoning and there was no other flights afterwards like this this so while we're fighting under my breath I'm like this is a test this is a test from because he wants me to loves me to be great I choose connection and I said to him listen just drive carefully everything's gums a little to everything's for the good it should be the if I miss the the plane obviously I wasn't meant to go and should be the worst thing that ever happens to us we get to the airport I run out of the car I run through the airport okay it's unbelievable I got I got on the plane I'm like huffing and puffing I I called my husband I said I got on the plane he didn't even leave the airport because there was no way I was going to make this plane he was just waiting to take me back because when you pass the test often it goes away you got it all right so that's connection versus estrangement and again every inter you have for sure with almost everybody in your life but for sure with your spouse and for sure with your children is either going to bring you closer or farther away and it's your choice it doesn't mean that everything they do is fine and you just let it slide no but the way you say things the timing of how you say it you're either building them and bringing your bringing you closer or you are breaking them down and farther away it's your choice which is very empowering because you can't change people you can only change your reaction to them and once you change your reaction to them that often creates an environment where they can change the next category a of Gan is acceptance versus rejection acceptance versus rejection either I accept that this is from God and somehow this is for my good and this is my opportunity to grow or I reject him and I'm pointing fingers and getting upset and mad and freaking out you think your situation is creating your emotional reality well this is going on my life that's why I'm upset or depressed or angry or fill in the blank it's actually not it's actually your thoughts I'll give you an example imagine there's a trauma in a family God forbid there's a divorce four kids one grows up and says I will never marry the second one grows up decides to become a marriage counselor to help people in their marriages the third one grows up and is determined to have the Great marriage ever do you understand you have four different kids and each one can have a completely different reaction not just because they're different people it's the same situation it's what their thoughts were because you can't control the situation but you can control your thoughts it's really an amazing thing when something is happen if you're freaking out the where where does the almighty want you to live in what emotional space does he want you to live he wants you to be it's called yesu vadas which means a settled mind because when things are going on in your life and they're heavy things nobody expects you and God doesn't expect you to walk around so happy oh look at the bright side you know what this is heavy there is no bright side every cloud has a silver lining really all the crazy and stupid things that people say to you that do not help you or comfort you or support you it's not happy it's Yeshua Das a settled mind what does that mean the three C's calm clear connected when you're calm clear and connected that's the space that the almighty wants you to live in are you going to make good choices when you're freaking out upset angry guilty regretful revengeful are you going to make good choices no when you're in that state of whether it's depression or anxiety or worry or fear don't make a choice that's the me that's the almighty's message to you your thoughts are wrong don't make a choice don't make a significant purchase don't have a significant conversation don't click Send on the email there's something that Gmail has called uh undo undo the greatest thing ever okay you should sign up for it it's called undo so when I send an email this thing pops up and it says do you want to undo this you literally have 3 seconds to decide and sometimes I do I undo I shouldn't send it or I see there was a spelling error or something or or I forgot something but it just years ago my husband and I were living in Denver Colorado and we had a radio show on Sunday morning called the platinic and I have a little bit of background in radio my husband didn't and when we were being trained on the board it was like a call-in show and it wasn't a Jewish show but it was clear we were Jewish because I'd say Rabbi what do you think of that and we'd have different topics and and values and wisdom that applies to you know Jews and non-jews alike so we were being trained on the on the on the board I remember in the studio uh they said to okay so this is the button where you take the calls and this is the volume and they're showing us all things and they go and then this is the most important button it's the 8C delay button when you hear something on the radio it actually happened 8C ago there's an 8C DeLay So they said if somebody calls up and says something they shouldn't have said uses a bad word hit the button and the last 8 seconds will never be heard and they said if you say something right and you regret it hit the button and the last 8 seconds will never be heard so what was I thinking I wish I had this button in my life 8 seconds 8 minutes 8 Days eight years when you're in a state and you're freaking out anxiety worry fear depression and anybody would say to you of course you should feel that way because this is what's going on in your life but if you're in that state don't click Send on that email you're going to say things that you regret wait for Yeshua do how do you get there don't replace your thoughts that are filled with all of these all all of all the the the worry the fear and anxiety don't replace them with happy thoughts you're just masking that and now we've got a bunch of jumbled up thoughts no let the thoughts go just let them go and wait for the three C's clear calm and connected what does that mean let them go where is according to the the studies where what is the number one place that we get that Eureka moment I got it you got the answer to to whatever thing you've been struggling with where's the number one place shower the shower exactly the shower why the shower because you're not thinking like what happens is we overthink things we think we think we overthink we analyze we we we we and we make ourselves nuts when you clear your head wisdom comes you have inner wisdom the almighty gave it to you came built in with the factory from the factory it's you're the it's your GPS your God positioning system the almighty is always trying to help you to turn left or right and make the right turns in life but we're not listening why because there's so much noise going on in our head we're so distracted we're so obsessing clear your head and wisdom will come where's the number two place that people get the Eureka moment no it's irony irony I that's why your maid is a lot happier than you are okay so we won't go there we'll just stick with showering all right you clear your head now whatever works works all right for some people you do you sleep on it you sleep on it and then you wake up with the answer for some people you know you know one of the worst pieces of marital advice is I'm sorry if this is your marital advice and or if you love this I'm sorry I don't want to insult you but I think it's a ter terrible advice is never go to sleep angry do you ever hear this so you stay up and you make your husband stay up you fight to the death because you can't go to sleep angry you know what sometimes it's better to go to sleep angry and you wake up you're not so angry anymore okay my husband this is part of a different talk on marriage but my husband has a 24-hour rule in our marriage and I didn't know seriously for like the first 20 years of our marriage that he had this rule all right he the 24-hour rule is is that if I do something that upsets him which has happened twice okay if I do something that upsets him he waits 24 hours before bringing it up why because 24 hours later most of the time he doesn't even remember and when he teaches this to men he tells them to use this tool the guys get angry they're like I have to tell her right away because then I'll forget and they're serious okay they really mean it and we no if you forgot then it wasn't that important it's not worth being upset about it's not worth even bringing up but if 24 hours later you remember now you're not you can talk it out but now you're not so angry anymore clear calm and connected so for some people you sleep on it for some people it's yoga for some people it's it's it's prayer for some people I know somebody she says when she gets when she's freaking out she realizes okay my thoughts are wrong she takes her thoughts in her mind she actually she personifies them and and uh she puts them into a balloon and she lets it Go a helium balloon so in her mind she just lets it go you just let it go and let it flow and I'm telling you wisdom will come think about something that's going on your life right now right now okay if somebody a friend of yours came to you imagine this wasn't going on in your life it was going on in her life and she came to you for advice you would have really good advice for her but we can't see it for ourselves because there's so much noise when I learned this I applied it my my daughter uh she was writing finals and she was in New York and she's on the phone with me freaking out I can't do it there's too much work I'm going to flunk out I'm not going to get it I I'm going going to give up the degree I'm really sorry but I can't do it it's too much it's too much it's too much and she's like freaking out and I said shashana take a breath I said if your do if your roommate Rebecca came to you with the and said exactly what you said to me what would you tell her she goes EMA you're not listening to me it's too much work I can't do it I could do this there's no way there way Shana if Rebecca came to you and said the exact same thing to you what would you say to her she said I would tell her don't freak out divide up the material do a little bit every day you'll be fine I said I think that's good advice we really can help other people because the noise is not there you have wisdom the almighty does not send us a test that we can't pass you think you can't pass it but you can and one way to know that is to think oh if my friend came to me with the same situation try to be objective you would have great advice for her you really would all right so acceptance versus rejection is not easy imagine whoever's hiring who whoever is handling your finances calls you up and tells you that your 401k is now a 21k for most people it's hard uh we just did this whole thing buying a place in erel all right and buying and selling here is not easy okay so we were going through it because we had bought a place in betar many years ago we never you know it's so funny we bought a play we sold our house in just between us we sold our house in Toronto okay and we uh when we moved to the states and we had a little bit of money and normally we live month-to month no matter how our life goes this is the way the almighty likes us to live it's good for us clearly and I took we took this money and we ended up putting down uh because it was our Dream to own a place in there to well and we bought a place in betar why because our friends had just bought a place in betar and we very close with them and so we bought in the same building it was just being built we bought it from a fax plan all right we put money down fine so time goes on and uh we rented it out we had tenants there and the tenants are paying down the mortgage which was very nice nice of them and time goes on I remember saying to my friend am I going to fit into betar she goes absolutely not not okay fine so uh but not just that but listen if you're a young K family and you have little kids and it's a very beautiful place to live but my kids aren't little anymore okay they grew up and my work uh for the Jewish women's Renaissance project is very much centered in this area they stay at the King Solomon they they go to the a uh building for for classes so my life is very much Central here and it just would not work so uh our daughter had made Aliah and our son had uh he went to he served in the army he went to nak K and so we had kids here we needed a place for them and all this things so we decided um recently to sell in betar and to buy in an area called musara you know musara it's just behind City Hall it's off of shift Israel okay um it's not a place you would raise little kids in it's a little bit sketchy place but it's it's sort of turning over and becoming uh you know more safer and nicer and it's very Central and they have like it kind of feels like an old city apartment but it's not in the Old City okay so but buying and selling was really really hard I'm telling you it's unbelievable what we went through and it was so bizarre to us because the system here is not like the system in the United States United States is you close and then everybody gets their money but not here you have to give money along the way and you haven't sold chanon so you have no money so you're trying to buy something with nothing and it was very and they kept saying like all these crazy taxes and these things and and something that you have to decide and sign on but then later on you find out from City Hall but you can't until you sign you don't know from City who owes that money and I'm like I don't and every time I get frustrated my husband goes you don't understand our country okay so it was really very and so but then I realized that the tment says that there are three things that take pain in acquiring you know this right there's three things that take pain in acquiring so one one is Torah okay if you really want life wisdom it's going to take a little bit of pain right to to grow and to face it and the second is Haba you really want eternity it's going to take some pain and ER is oh so I said we're doing the third one we are totally doing the third one all right so and at one point it was like they they said that the city hall apparently our mortgage broker said City Hall says that your apartment is not this big it's this big because when it became this big it was before the state of Israel existed so there's no record of it and so they can only give us a mortgage for this big so my husband so we had to put in we had to bore against my life insurance and and money we had put aside for weddings and put it into this apartment and so I told my kids okay new plan nobody gets married nobody dies okay for now just on hold for now we're on pause right now okay it was crazy crazy crazy but bar hasem um on Arab chabis we we were handed the key and everything everything's good yeah I'm so so happy I couldn't be happier yeah and uh I most of you I think live here I think you do and I don't we don't have the and people think I live here because of the video blog and I'm here all the time because of the trips but we really don't we don't have the we don't have theia to the Merit to live here because the land keeps spitting us out and whatever we're doing there but our kids slowly slowly are coming here cuz somebody told me if you can't live there send them ahead all right to send your kids ahead but now having this I hope please got one day to to be here fulltime all right so if it's a financial thing it's hard it's a task and at one point I was getting angry right who am I getting angry with sometimes I getting angry with my husband you know maybe he should have known or I'm getting angry with the mortgage broker I'm getting angry with the system but in the end I realize it's just a test it's a test so when it's Financial is this a test between is this Giver versus taker to your stock broker no is this connection versus estrangement to your stock broker no this is acceptance versus rejection either I accept that the situation is from the almighty and act accordingly or I reject it if I reject it there's anger fear worry anxiety uh uh depression and and revenge but if I accept it it's still not easy but hopefully you're getting to a place where you realize if I accept it what this is a test from the almighty this is a test because he loves me and he wants me to be great I recognize as a test test and I choose in this case acceptance acceptance doesn't mean I go to bed and I pull the covers over my head till it goes away you have to make a decision you have to put your effort in Imagine you get a call from the your doctor and God forbid it's not good news is this a test is this a test is this Giver versus taker to your doctor no is this connection versus estrangement no this is acceptance versus rejection either I accept this is from the almighty or I reject it and again accepting it means you must make decisions you have to make choices you have to but don't do it in a state when you're freaking out wait for Clear calm connected Yeshua does a settled mind all right Giver versus taker connection versus estrangement acceptance versus rejection the last one of gcam God's camera m m is my will versus God's will my will versus God's will this usually has to do with um taking on a Mitzvah our level of observance where we are in the latter in terms of our own Jewish Journey so let me give you two examples from two different worlds so let's do the world that I live in mostly which is dealing with the secular world the I tell the women who come to my classes especially around rashash Shan and yum kipur time this is a good time of year to take on a Mitzvah and this applies to us too because nobody does it all right there's there's uh there's there's doing the Mitzvah in a better way there's is taking on a m you know you should be doing all right and the Jewish year is not a cycle whoa it just seemed like it was just on a Cup yesterday and it was so it's not a cycle it's a spiral you're going around but hopefully from year to year you're going up and again sometimes it's three steps forward two steps back but at least you're up so if you take on another Mitzvah every year this is a very good thing I told them you should take on one individually and one is a family so she go up the ladder for yourself and as a family we're also going to embrace something all right and that's a good thing to do for everyone so imagine my the women in my class take this seriously and they do I said okay so so that let's say theyve decided okay listen I'm not going to be totally Sher Shabbat I'm not GNA be totally totally totally sh shabis but Friday night's going to be sacred I'm going to turn Friday night into Shabbat and we're going to disconnect in order to connect we're going to disconnect and unplug all the iPhones the iPads the IIs all right and we're going to connect so the first Friday night that's what happens right the kids are like what's going on whatever but she makes all their favorite food and it's kind of nice okay the next Shabbat right she lights candles on time she her husband's making kidish right they invite some friends over the next Shabbat he's giving it deart she made Hala with the kids that week this is great okay that Sunday she gets a call from a friend her friend says you know how all the girl cousins in my family how how once a year we take a girl cousin trip well this year we're going to Las Vegas but one of my cousins had to drop out at the last minute and she can't get her money back but she can just give it to somebody else and she's willing to give it free to someone else and you're the someone else and you're going to come with us and everything's included all the meals all the shows everything we leave Friday night 8 o'clock are you in are you in okay so for most of the people in this room I would say all the people in this room room is this a test this is not a test at a certain point in my Jewish Journey this would have been a test but now I don't care what you offer me what amount of money what experience I'm not getting into a plane and breaking shabus forget it this is not a not even a test not hard but for some people it is okay so I'm not you know show shs I'm religious I'm just doing Friday night I'll go back and I'll do it do you understand so let's switch it a little bit more a little bit more at home okay so imagine um you know you have your children and you know maybe you're not doing as much as you should and you're sort of cutting back and you're like well because my kids and that's my aoda now and and now your kids are driving and now you don't have much of an excuse okay in terms of your your own doting so then you decide all right like once a year I'm going to that's it I'm gonna get up early I'm gonna get up 30 minutes early every every morning and I'm going to Dove him that's it and I'm going to be all doing and fresh and ready to greet my children in the morning and get them off to school so the first after yum po the first week you're getting up this is beautiful morning broos oh I remember these all right and now you're starting to add things okay before you know it you're do you're you're you're you're doing the whole nine yards and one week goes by two weeks go by three weeks and then your friend calls you up and says to you you're not going to believe what my husband got me for my birthday he got me a private fitness instructor I I have my own fitness instructor who's going to come every morning and you can come over you come over and work out with me it's not going to cost you anything and you're like but you realize this is not going to work there's no way you're going to be able to do the the full doing and you're going to be there for your kids and get them off to school and something's got to give it's not going to be the kids for some people this is a test and it's easy to rationalize oh you know I have to take care of my body because it houses my soul and all the things that you can say and do and I'm not a man I don't have to go to Minion and d d and all the things in the end it's a test it's hard what's when we talk about my will versus God's will what are we talking about we're talking about what I feel like doing versus what I want to do that's Free Will is not chocolate ice cream vanilla I think I'll take chocolate that's license that's Choice Free Will is when you're choosing the right thing to do versus the wrong thing you're making a moral decision what I feel like doing versus what I want to do I feel like taking advantage in having a private fitness instructor I want to doin I feel like being a patient calm mother I want to yell at my kids right now I feel like being healthy and watching my diet but no I feel like eating a donut but I want to be healthy and watch my diet do you understand so you feel like yelling at your children you feel like eating the donut you feel like having the fit instructor but you want to be a patient mother you want to be healthy you want to Dophin do you understand so that's the choice that's the tension so fill in the Mitzvah here for all of us it's something different it might be the the uh how tight our skirt is it might be um in terms of lush Andora not rationalizing and and and oh but this is for we're trying to help people so we'll do a Gallop poll amongst our friends you know to talk about that person you you put you insert it for everybody it's different so what is it it's my will versus God's will it's what I feel like doing versus what I want to do I really want to do what God wants me to do but I feel like fill in the blank got it all right so let's review let's review The Almighty sends us tasks why does he send us tests he loves us because he loves us because he cares 90% towards passing the test is just realizing it's a test it's not that person it's not that school board it's not that politician it's not that it's not that husband it's not that mother-in-law this is between you and the almighty that doesn't take the own us off of them that they have to work on themselves and change but God brought those people into your life for a reason because he wants you to be a better person we don't go grow through our spouse's good qualities we grow through his challenging qualities we don't grow through the easy kid we grow through the challenging kid that's why God put them in our life because he wants to squeeze the potential out of us so 90% is just realizing the task the next 5% is knowing what category it falls under the next 5% it's just putting it into action so what are the categories it's gcam G is Giver versus taker okay you're not going to have your notes with you when when this happens okay and I I I apply this all the time because there's always stuff going on there's always things going on that are hard and you apply I'm telling you the stuff works like like magic all right Giver versus taker C con con con connection versus estrangement either it's going to be bring me closer to this person or farther away there there is no neutral inter choices here okay a is accept acceptance versus rejection and M my will versus God's will what I feel like doing versus what I really want to do my broa to you is that the almighty should send you easy shmey tasks and you should grow really grow through the easy tasks and not wait for them to get harder but when the tests come whether they're easier or they're hard you should pass them with colors thank you