Letters of the Rebbe: "To Parents Who Are Worried About Their Adult Son" (Class 24)

Shalom. Good evening. Welcome to letter number [clears throat] 24. Before we get started tonight, just wanted to mention uh tonight's shar is dedicated to Mrs. Lifsha Weissman for tireless efforts in arranging the 30 letters kickoff event in Chicago and also in honor of the Goldman family of Oklahoma City for their pulis in strengthening his cautious to the also we want to mention that if you would like to support and sponsor a shir to go to 30letters30days.org org and uh.com. I'm sorry. 30 letters30days.com and also to RSVP for the women's Fabangan Monday night, April 11th. There is a maximum capacity in the venue of about a hundred people. Uh last night it was already at 80. So, and I think people have been registering all day long. So, really, you have to RSVP uh right away. Uh the the venue is going to fill up and then once it does, I guess the only option will be people will have to join by live stream, but uh there's limited space at the venue. So, go to 30letters30days.com to reserve your spot. Okay. Tonight's letter is a short letter, but I feel like it's an intense letter. It's speaking about an issue. Well, so many of our letters were speaking about ideas that people struggle with in real life. But, uh, this one's a particularly, I think, uh, poignant issue. And we've had letters that speak about parenting. This isn't the first letter about parenting. But let's look at the letter. And I think you're going to agree with me that the particular situation that these parents are in and their feelings and their concerns um it's something that uh it touches a nerve and hashem we have the Reb's a glimpse into the Reb's perspective on such a situation. It's a letter about parents who are concerned about an adult child and his future because apparently he is not doing very well spiritually. And I will leave it at that and allow the letter to uh speak for itself. [snorts] Brooklyn this is the 18th day of and but this is not written to an individual it's not written just to the husband it seems it's written to the husband and the wife to the parents together your request for a blessing for your son plural yours uh was conveyed to me your son. May he be well and regarding his conduct. You understand what's happening here? [clears throat] parents writing into the rabbi asking for a blessing for their child because the way that he's living right now is not the way that they raised him and they're asking for a blessing. So you can imagine the the pain and the concern and the fear that these parents have. And it's evident from some clues in the letter. This is not a child. It's not even a teenager. It's an older child. I'm not sure if that makes it uh less scary or more scary. They sayurus grainder graurus. And uh you know the bigger the kids are the higher the stakes are. It's fairly apparent. We'll we'll read in the letter that this is an an adult child. [sighs and gasps] At a propitious time, I will mention your son at the at the resting place of my Reb, my father-in-law. Shayim specifically regarding awe of heaven, meaning that your son should progress in the area of Shayim of heaven, meaning of Torah observance. and proper conduct. There's the shim that's the perspective means the application. So to have the right beliefs and the right behaviors and also I will mention him when I mention him for a blessing at the in addition I will mention a blessing for him that he should be able to build a house within Israel that means to get married to start a Jewish home. We called it we call it bignyan bias bis but it really means to start a Jewish home built upon the foundations of ty mitzvah. In other words a f observant Jewish home. So the parents that's why I say this is an adult child or at least it's not a overly uh young child. He's not a not a not a teenager I don't suppose. And the parents are very concerned about this child's level of Shamayim and the fact that he's he should be or they wish he were starting a family at this point. And these are the brahas that the Reb is asking that the parents are asking for the Reb to uh Davin for them. Um, and as I said, you can well imagine the the feelings of the parents and the and their fears as they write this letter. Okay. However, it is self understood now the just said, I got your petition for prayer. I got your requests. That's taken care of at a propitious time. I'm going to mention this all at the specifically that your son should be blessed to gain in yamayim and in proper religious conduct and to start a Jewish family that's founded upon the right morals and principles. Got it. That's done. However, the Reba says, I want to mention a couple things that should be understood on their own. Alf regarding this what you write that you've done according to all of the advice and it's still dot dot dot. that Eba doesn't finish the sentence. It's apparent that they wrote and said, "Listen, we've been taking advice." Perhaps even they are referring to the Debb's advice. Maybe they were in correspondence with the Reba earlier and the Reba gave them advice how to deal with their their son. Uh or maybe they mean advice they got from others, maybe from rabbis, from professionals. Who knows? The point is they wrote to the Reb, it's a parent and said, "We're doing what we were told to do and our son is still the way that he is." So that's something that they said to the deba basically like, "What are we supposed to do? We followed the instructions. We asked for advice. We we took the advice. We implemented the advice. It's not working." [snorts] So listen to what the Reba says. In such matters as these, you have to do and repeat and do. Do do again. And with each doing, with each action, you will bring closer that which you seek, that that which you're trying to accomplish. You will gradually bring closer with one act at a time. Especially if when you act, you do so sincerely. What the Reb refers to as words that come from the heart. So that's the first point that Eva makes after telling them I'm going to davin for you because the first answer is you want me to din for you for your son. I'm you got it. I'm domining for your son. Now comments I got two comments. Comment number one is you told me you're doing what you were told to do and it's not working. It's not working. [sighs] Reb is saying it is working. It works gradually and you're in a marathon not a sprint. So don't give up and don't stop. You know there was a Reb was speaking about which is and Reb was talking about lessons that we can learn from a tree. One of the lessons you can learn from a tree is that sometimes it can take many many years before the tree bears fruit. And we should take this to heart that that when we're dealing with a person person is compared to a tree says that a person sometimes you have to be ready to invest in the long term and don't think that because you acted once and twice or even a hundred times and you didn't see a change that nothing's happening. It could be like a tree where a lot of the growth is happening in ways that the naked eye cannot perceive and you have to just wait season after season until finally you see fruit. So the Eb tells these parents, don't tell me you did what you were supposed to do. You got to keep doing it. Don't stop. You know about the the guy who lived to 100. They came to the nursing home and they asked him, "How did you live to 100?" And he says, "Well, uh, there's two things. I drank a glass of buttermilk every day and, uh, I walked a mile every day." So, uh, somebody said, "Well, my grandfather, he also did the same thing. He drank a glass of buttermilk every day, and he walked a mile every day, and he died at 70." And the hundred-year-old says, "He didn't do it long enough. That's [snorts] a problem. He didn't do it long enough. So, the Reb is saying here, I hear what you're saying that you have taken the advice, but you haven't done it long enough. You think that it's something that you just do it and now it's over. You got to keep doing it and don't stop. So, that's the first comment. In other words, if I can just sort of use my own words here, this isn't a quick fix. It's a way of life. You're going to have to change the way that you deal with your child. And you cannot expect to see immediate results. It doesn't work that way. You have to be ready to invest, I would say, even more than a than than the long term. I'd say for a lifetime. This is a process and the process never ends. So, it's obvious that somebody who's in a crisis like this wants to be out of the crisis and the deb is telling them, "Look, we're going to davin for him and God willing, it's all going to get better soon." But even if it does get better, it doesn't mean that uh you stop doing what you were told to do. You got to keep it up. And what are you supposed to keep up? I don't know. It doesn't say explicitly here, but you can kind of glean from context that says devot that it should be sincere. It should be words from the heart. So it's talking about some type of [snorts] genuine connection with their child. meaning it's something that has to do with an actual emotional connection, something sincere. Um, in other words, it's not just, oh, these are the magic words that you tell your wayward son and then he'll come back. No, no, no. These this is not just a line from a script that you say. It's a whole change in attitude that you're going to have to maintain. Okay? And it's a change in the relationship that you have to maintain. Okay, that that was olive base. It is imperative that you have trust [snorts] in Hashem who works miraculously. I think it's interesting that Eb says here mafilas says Hashem who acts miraculously. In other words, don't even discount the possibility of a miracle because if you're in need of a miracle, okay, then Hashem will make a miracle, too. Don't worry about it. You just need to rely on Hashem. You have to put your trust in Hashem. That what? Let's read. that ultimately sooner or later your son's heart will be transformed to the service of Hashem. How how does the Reban know? Maybe he's just telling you, look, it's not worth it to worry. So convince yourself that it'll be good in the end. No. How do we know? It's not possible that it will be any other way. It's not possible that it'll be any other way. How does the Reban know it? It's not possible. Because no will be utterly thrust away. That's how I know. Because every nishama comes home. Every nishama ultimately is true to itself. [snorts] Okay. So, it's going through a crisis right now. That that's all part of this craziness we call embodiment and exile and all these exacerbating circumstances that that the nishama is beset with. But the nishama itself knows who it is and ultimately the entire person will realign itself with that truest identity. And it's not possible for it to to to for it to transpire any other way. Ultimately, your son is going to be who he really is. And I think this is such an important concept in the Reb's worldview, not just about parenting, but yeah, really important to apply it in parenting. And sometimes the hardest place to apply it is parenting. And that is the belief that the natural state of every Jew is and mitzvah that it's native and instinctive to the truest deepest self. And therefore, when the rabb tells these parents, relax and trust in Hashem, this is all going to be good. What are you trusting in? Not that Hashem's going to have to intervene and make your son do something that's unnatural for him, but actually something that's much more of a slam dunk. Ultimately, your son's going to be who he truly is. Mitzvah are the most natural thing in the world to the Jew. So relax and trust in the fact that your son has a nama. What your son's doing now is a betrayal of his true self. Don't be afraid. Oh no, that's who he's become. That's not who he's become or could ever become. That's a false self. And ultimately he will have to come back to his true self. So relax, be confident, be happy in the knowledge that inevitably the truth is going to come out and your son will be who he really is and who he who deep down he continues to be all along even during this this time of crisis. your trust in Hem and your ability to serve Hashem joyfully even while you're going through this even though it's undeniable there's a certain the Reb calls it which means bitterness that's unavoidably mixed in the Reb is not telling them to be in denial I Understand it's painful. Your child's in pain. Even if you know with certainty that tomorrow he's going to come back to his true self, it's still it's hell for a parent to watch your child going through being divorced from his own true self. So I understand there's an unavoidable bitterness even though you know ultimately it'll all work itself out, but there's still a bitterness for now. Why does he have to go through this for now? So the deba says, "Yeah, you're going to have a certain amount of bitterness, but here's what you're going to need to do with and with even in this." And this, the Reb says, will hasten the change. In other words, I'm not just trying to make you feel better and make you worry less. I'm actually giving you a tool. We learned about this in a previous letter about what desire says about the law of reciprocity that our mood creates our reality objectively. It starts subjectively, but then it becomes mirrored back to us from on high. And the rich get richer. And those who are happy with what they've got already end up receiving more things to be happy about objectively speaking. So the Eb says if you can relax and realize that your boy has a nishama and he is a nishama and he will come back to himself and it's all going to be good because that's who he is and that's his essence that and itself is going to facilitate the process of him coming back to that inevitability all the more quickly. [sighs and gasps] And God willing this should be very soon with blessing. Um got a couple minutes here. I wanted to share something that I was waiting for a night when we had a short letter. And no, I'm not trying to sell this book. Uh, this is the the Ammy letters. This happens to be volume two. There's volume one. There's volume two. These are letters that I wrote for eight years as an advice columnist in Ammy magazine. And basically the story is that uh Yitzk Frankfurter, the uh editor-inchief of Ammy magazine came to me after interviewing me once. He never met me in person and said, "I want you to write an advice column." And I said, "I don't even know what an advice column is." He says, "And nevertheless, I think you'll be good at it." So, I had never read advice columns. I didn't know the genre, but I said, "You know what? I'll just imitate egress kesh." [laughter] So, that's what I did. And there's I just started doing a poor imitation of the egress. And uh it resonated with people and they liked it. So I just want to read to you something from the introduction to this book where I speak about how I came to write this column. I'm not going to read the whole thing, but uh I'll just write. As for my lack of experience writing in the genre, I decided to emulate as best as I could the style of the thousands of published letters of my Reb, the labbeenu printed in the collection known as Kadesh. These letters have been a personal treasure to me in my own life. So, I was excited when I realized I might have an opportunity to share with others some of what these letters have taught me. Indeed, all of the elements that have made this column so popular, Bashem, are borrowed directly from Egress. These come to mind as some of the more obvious ones. Always validate the person to whom you are speaking, even and especially when you don't agree with what they're saying. People don't care about what you know until they know that you care. Be positive. Don't let a person's problem define them. People are good and want to do the right thing. Always encourage. Moment momentum is powerful. Find what people are doing right. Label it, praise it, and ask them to do it more. There are no set rules when it comes to people. Every human being is different. The same question from two people can require two very different answers. Don't answer the question. Answer the questioner. And most importantly, look for the answer in the question. People have answers already. Listen and they will share with you the clarity they seek. [sighs] I mean the these are just some of the qualities some of the tools that I picked up from Igris and there are undoubtedly many many more and we could add to that list but uh just thinking about tonight's letter the ones that jump out at me don't let a person's problem define them right person's going through crisis that doesn't become the new them you have to always retain that clarity of who they really are and who they never stopped being throughout it all and that's the nishama and the nishama will ultimately have enough gravity to pull everything back into alignment with it. Uh also people are good and want to do the right thing. Right? That's one of the premises over here. Ultimately your son wants to do the right thing and and it's it's his truest self when he's doing the right thing. Um, and of course be positive and always encourage and uh probably some of the some of the other ones here that are listed, but [snorts] those definitely stuck out as I was reading the list as tools that we see evidence or demonstrations of right here in this letter that we that we just read. Anyways, a uh powerful letter and uh an important letter for parents and educators and really for all of us to remember that we have to be able to see in each other who we truly are. And we have to believe in it with a certainty. And that certainty that we know who you are is more real to us than whatever we're temporarily looking at with our physical eyes. Because that stuff, even though we give so much credence to the physical as if it's the absolute reality, to the contrary, that's fleeting. That passes in a moment. Physical reality comes and goes. The spiritual reality is eternal. And we have to just have that deep look when we look at each other, when we look at our friends, when we look at our spouses, when we look at our neighbors, when we look at our children, and [snorts] ultimately when we look at ourselves, and we have to realize who we always will be and never stop being. And even if temporarily things look different, we have to remember the truth. You know, if we could take that one tool from all these letters from the whole past three weeks, every night learning letters, if we could just hold on to that one tool just to remember you're looking at a Jew who they really are, that itself is lifechanging. That itself changes everything. Okay, we'll uh we'll see you tomorrow