Latest Talks Podcast - Ep #15 | Topics: Shulem Bayis - Cults - Chinuch.

you want to lose your daughter open that envelope of us join other smart people stupid people at the same time crisis is a real crisis you you do a lot of things do you treat paper cuts cuz I [Music] just this is your show thank you I'm honored yeah um our guest who are you um that is somewhat of an easy question to answer um I'm a son of Rabbi Rabbi JJ he he was on the secretarial staff in Greenfield Park 52 of the 55 wow [Laughter] so in America 18808 and in 1887 also he's my first cousin do and yet in the Next Generation so do in the next we're going back to the same thing 1880s American Family trimmings and what what do you do what what in the 1800s in when so they okay so wow wow so they Amic American flag is this so by way okay where is rash who is r and what does he have to offer not to us only to our listeners and to CLA [Music] Ro I [Music] oh where is RAB who RAB and what does he have to offer not to us only to our listeners and toled information UCS in the entertainment so the new book that I'm I'm now writing we're using uh the uh the title is going to be the title of the book is going to be whatever it takes again whatever it takes I I strive strive strive I strive I strive on that okay so what do you do I have a very high Benchmark M From My Sight is in America a crisis counselor someone started the philosophy so you have a you have a PhD I got my pH yeah you know and my approach to them is one second I'm sorry for yeah hacking you how we say interr do they come to you or it's something that the manal or the moas you're involved with whom so it's a very it's a very very very good question what you ask most of the people he will meet with me I have no problem to go I'll go him oh thank you by the way anything in life what you want to get what you want to get done is the number key factor today is yet the yet Factor as the host from them from their program is is a okay okay one of my father's closest friends was y when he finally got at the governor okay for we got carried away for a second so who hires you so and this is from all walks of life this is of Life yeah yeah at the same time yeah yeah and and the success you know is is there's no one like our Jewish kids I'm telling and and and BR you know you know somebody somebody did something to them or or or or bothered them and and and all the naive and they all of a sudden s certain things the problem in today's generation is over exposure Manhattan and the East Side the men came from the west side to the east side to sh sh whatever from the west side to the east side we say sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never harm me no no noal abuse for we have to be sensitive with our words you have to be sensitive to the vi the man even to the neighbor to a multimillionaire them job when the Bal in the bakery the we're honest you know councel um crisis counselor was basically what immediate help crisis happens do to help but no my pleasure is is in we are crisis is a real crisis uh in in in the in the I don't whatever it made a trust for the that maybe it looks in your eyes that it doesn't work right after the wedding but the you knew that you don't have a home to come back to in the back of your mind England in 1975 convention the chief Rabbi then Chief Rabbi Rabbi the chabbi my father we talk my father was he was a very very entertaining speaker he was on the radio okay good you know and so so so he says we have to make it to mention in compromise compromise in Europe okay you know it's it's a fascinating thing and and I don't want to sound you know sour 35 years ago I wrote when when when the gold with all sudden one day they walk up and you know the the gold and silver I realize my my my my jewelry is missing MH th writing an article aate living like the of the we we live in Manhattan two youngest boys my Y and my mle Katana in Manhattan most of it was a very very good school it was a very school and in kindergarten we lived three blocks away from the school of picking the the your Babysitter Is Here listen babying and it's mindboggling Park Slope he's a Methodist hospital he's there over 25 years another another chap so VI a preschool you know they went for counseling it's a true story a true story I told right insane I told my babysitter to hug my child more I was sitting with somebody just a few days ago a teenager little bit and my and M care about me that's what all I want to know that's all I want to hear they care about me and the job of parenting is not that [Music] hard whatever Zas they were very spoiled and myep filed and they can't something is going on there for the rest very interesting hugging and wrestling look exactly the same one is pushing no no sometimes the only the only attention that I can get the only closeness I can get is that's right okay so you're right but think about the difference of the power you know longlasting power 30 something years the kid has to know that is why he's hitting you the that do the same thing but they're clearly nervous they're clearly angry I made the decision to give you that patch two days ago and you know but but I heard a lecture from some real love you know the from the from the yard and Skip Ro from the from the van with the powder with with the baby powder as a k mmy oh you smell so sweet no no no no no the park it's not it's not a a a um a love that's based on something you know F sh shl Shad in the drawers in the drawer in the drawer of of of of their children looked at very calmly he said to me you know when we were kids tatt and the [Music] host luxurious [Music] in a kitchen [Music] host host symb and his 16-year-old daughter gave him an envelope sealed and told him do me a fav he tells me I'm leaving tonight have the envelope in my pocket should I open the envelope and see what's written inside or shouldn't I so I'll answer you tomorrow hey did couldn't sleep I didn't know what to answer the other morning I decided I'm going to give him an answer what I would do I said you can do whatever you want but I told him as follows I said I wouldn't open the the envelope the reason is you might be pleasantly surprised what's written in that envelope you might be hurt the next her look in your eyes you want to lose your daughter open that envelope so I'm gonna I'm gonna say what you say then all then the rules change that have permission to look at it that's not understand there's no right for the other person to see what's written in that yeah there's no right for another one second you didn't answer my question do you feel that there is a lack of love in our community I think we uh had a fascinating story Aina story from a woman in Williamsburg she also taught me a lesson in life that was unbelievable 9 years old isite there was something with the in the school something happened and then she found out the story and she came to me I should work with her her son I said did you get your kid to tell the story I used to then say and and night after night after two weeks the kid said and I I almost I don't know if what word to say I envy this woman of her her intuition that he had a mother the love and the devotion for this mother that CH for the kid it gives when SCH when you see mothers and fathers are so stupid you feel this hope locally went off told my son as follows I said no matter what you're going to do in yes if you're going to be a good boy or you're going to be a bad boy I'm still going to love you because you're my son I'm asking you to please go to Yeshiva bring me so there is a reason why I love you I'm going to love you regardless by the way we went through this in a different uh in a different episode by the way the whole story of his son we should talk afterwards episode no it wasn't wow okay so this time also it'll be after an episode you tell them the whole story I wanted to know you you're a crisis counselor you said you very interesting kind of topics that you go through kind of different situations the family A Fire you know anything else is anything very very interesting that you can tell us first of all you know you know don't worry about how do you become that wasn't an episode you know and that you have to love your clients mention so um every case is different every case is unique um let's say runs away from the community somebody goes extreme joint a cult or something would you take care of that kind of cases and this is it's not an easy answer to say does mention you know and you know now you know to the to to the position or to the person and um that's one of the differentiations you know you know yeah and he can be on you know on e parkway or or on Lee Avenue or on 13th Avenue Dimension there's a problem because that's one of the a cult uses that as a tactic isolation what we call from the family of origin feel I wouldn't let him finish I would walk out right right but they don't start off with that line and um I recently as as recently got call from from how do you say overseas to he didn't call us he anyways um I'll tell the story so but I gave him some advice of how they can get the kid to go home and the Taxi Driver Taxi cap tax driver to the destination to the destination go to airport you know I saw that I I connected boom boom you know the in when he got on the plane the I called the father an overseas callone very soon gave the telephone and and he was he was able to then confront him with information so I had very very tight information facts well you know I can I can make one person upset you know two people upet you know yeah yeah the wallet here's your wallet back thank for the donation um again I go back to computers the computers the telephones is there something that there is what to do about it what what's your message to the listeners what's your message to the that are watching this episode what's the message to the parents that are watching the show towards their kids and psych prove over and over that positive reinforcement is a way to go y I'm old up I'm old but it's when there's danger and again and again and the answer is is the problem getting bigger the problem is getting bigger first of all the numbers you know Hitler yeah me me and and almost touching each other konit with M Williamsburg and yeah if you're watching the show yeah yeah and and on the on we need to we need to so much the kids need so much we have to tell our children that they're important to us we have to tell tell me what does your shabas table look like we kick problem and many many years ago probably close to 40 years ago someone told me this is this is and of the K fil as you know turn around to your child give your child a little bit of love I always observe I always watch fathers and mothers how they're going to deal you know does he introduce each one of them you know keep that on to your sixy old your NY old your 12y old is and you ignored them and they ignored them by the way I'm not I'm not picking on anybody although I like to do that and I'm not knocking anybody Al my point is my point is something else you ask them what a solution there's easy solutions there's easy solutions about 15 years ago I wrote The Following article and from all the articles I got I got trem they printed in the Jewish press a lot lot a number of Jewish places I got tremendous feedback from this article I said it was an article to teachers theim know what we call still primary school the high school s in the in the in inside inside by by by by write something nice about yourself and then they feel I'm not being judged because you had my brother last year because we had had a fight with him gave him to you put me in the back seat in fact no so the kid comes into the office Kass and says I have a I have a possibility and then the to the m day I read it oh you know you told me S you know it gives the child and then you're halfway there you're halfway there you know we don't send them for for for knowledge knowledge you know no we teach them about life how to get along with other people these are the important things in in life and this is what we teach them in school back to the question the question was the H does technology blab do and part of it and we have to take care as much as we can or Facebook Instagram and WhatsApp on down for a long time anyway so um and we'll be back it's just going to come something else that's going to top that listen as as have to say we got to use technology but as a parent I say we have to limit technology control technology um again I I I was not not so inclined but my children to their children they they my my kids who know how to use computers they're a lot more careful with their children they know how to watch technology understand the the boundaries how far it goes and unfortunately I don't know if those boundaries that's also an understanding you have to understand always a work but again but again another question um um you want usually basically because have so many stuff to say afterwards that I don't think I should talk about over here yeah but because whatever and by the way I'm marrying off my son my third child on Sunday let me tell you now you talk about marriage and I'm saying it in I'm going to question form but s in theel gra psychologist has that 80% of questions are really suggestions are we preparing our sons and daughters are we preparing them right are we comparing them how to interact I've done I've been doing this for the past 21 years by the way by showing him okay by showing him you know how you respect your spouse so sometimes I of uh of Shalom Bas but I start off and say like this the investment in of school of college of oh we get no formal learning no formal learning into the greatest investment that we're making mention to me it it sounds pretty stupid I think I'm been I've been outspoken in my community that we waiting too long that's one of the problems why we have so many singals today we have to marry them off younger we won't talk to the to our friend there I we MH mosh a question so you have to introduce me every time every single time I ask a question so I want to know once let's say you get someone out of a cult you take someone and and they leave what now where do they go they have to start over something okay it's a fascinating question why you ask and generally speaking um if a young man or young woman is under somebody's spell when you talk about cult my no this is It's a manipulation manipulation because how do you think because you can get them to do things that are against their own nature you can get them to harm their father or harm their mother or harm their own children Cults that I dealt with I had a Jewish cult um in a different state that he would the cult leader sadist shim you know R just to show the control and the answer is when you walk away that you need a lot of time to come back to normal it's not like you just okay no no no there's a m shift the cup ver used start when you when when when I when you start calling white green it's you can oh I realize it's white then it's and it's a thing it's it's a it's a transition those who leave Cults I feel very strongly they need a tremendous support system uh Community recently prison like literally in they had massive plans to escape but they didn't have it's it's a common thing Z plans us to escape in the prison but once they're out they don't know what they're doing right so the question question is it is BL because his life is to be in a better I got a call one day I got a call one day there was a cult that was uh in Guatemala uh Jewish cult and a young boy at a 17 years old ran away and and because long all his life Mex um but because of the pandemic I couldn't even get together with him because he he's now in in in in Canada and America but but gave them a little bit of guidance of of how to work yeah when when when when to change a flavor you know in your ice cream is is is easy and to change even eating habits although sometimes much harder but when you're changing your whole mind frame that was really um um something that didn't fit that wasn't healthy it's a it's a big transition mhm um that you have to go through like even if your mind knows already that something is that that's the way to go you still have to catch up so I guess it takes a long time right so so when I dealt with cult members one of the places I used to take him up in country to not to force them back into the real life right away you know they took they took their time coming back and and that has been successful wow well so so it's not a hard it's not an easy thing basically it's going to be a thing on his whole life life another question do you you do a lot of things do you treat paper CS cuz I just I just C myself very very bad no but will give you a little kiss and my business with with the joke that we say is uh is you know the father like he's reading a new paper the K you know my doll you know little girl comes over and the doll hurt herself you know so uh you know and my doll made a boo boo my dolly made a boo boo you could have said you know you you know yeah yeah we don't listen with our ears we listen with our eyes with we listen with our entire being end with my father again a a a fellow lawyer the Bush President Bush you know you know you tell him about a problem a fil M A fil M you know listen it's not only about listening it's you got to listen with your entire being there's no reason because it's thing sometimes a kid sometime they're looking for something and sometimes mention mention cult feeling like they actually so the to take advantage of people there are some people who think that I'm happy to take advantage somebody else and the opportunity you do it's um healthy people don't understand why crazy people do crazy things people right and once you get in you can't see what happens like this when we would get a get K in a cult we' bring a kid from another cult question right um but the fact is is do different levels from Cults is do um let's say the cult leader why should he open it whyer um like the other guy spoke to before but power is a very big thing you know and this you so to a certain extent we're all controllable the and even in talks about we want sometimes a a a leader but the question is at at what at what point so there's a certain point that oh I know you want it ever so I'm now going to tell you I'm not going to tell you listen do me a favor just like I would tell you listen okay now again one when when you're healthy and well he said that will never happen one step at a time and and these guys I was I was dealing with the cult cult one so the member who ran away from the cult and had to get it family out he said let me tell you what we're dealing with if this guy was giving a Shear there was a tape and all of they got a telephone call so he stopped the tape took a three weeks later he continued the she so they took the tape we put the tape back on he says you would not know where we stopped that's how genius the thing listen but can sometimes get us in trouble so men of us join a cult the other cult and smart people stupid people so that's very very some them are very smart but usually a little bit less mature it's maturity versus uh smartness noan is is is uh you know it's a blessing but if you don't know how to use cluk shaft uh your your your wisdom you can get into trouble also I can give you reasoning reasoning is is is is not good where's the balance okay that's that's a difficult balance and when you turn over that balance mention where's the fine line between regular is leg because losing weight the first question when I ask people when they come to me and they say you know my son is an ult my daughter's an ult i yes the first question is does the cult leader do things against and once they say yes I say you have documented the you know when that's that's a good answer because so so this is a fine line between that's one of one of the parameters one of the test but is it one of in general Ault there's a lot of religions in the world what's the difference between a religion and our cult um one of the first things that we talk about is honesty a religion will tell you right away and the the the other one is going to lie who they are simp has to do with has to do with that's one of the things that one and but the interesting thing is it really works the opposite one of the cult things what Cults are successful is they destroy your individuality no it's about him it's about the leader it's about the leader it's about Yeah Yeah Yeahs you know you know you know that's why one of the things what the Cults do they will change your name they'll tell you to change your name well mention was going on the Cults change your name yeah yeah feel okay what happened what happens you really you lose your individuality and and right right right that's one way of putting it yeah Master number G to have you on the on the thing so he's he asked me how do you deal if you have some smart kids that get annoyed of their stupid siblings um sibling rivalry sibling rivalry is a very very interesting Dynamics number one sibling power is unbelievable the kids all stick together the kids will stick together against their parents so the sibling power the answer is when when when inquality I don't like you ands this is your brother this is your sister and now you say now but stupid there are things that they may know that you don't know would you like them to call you stupid the real answer to your question ISS what age child are we talking about we talking about you know six years old so we're talking about 16 year olds um in in in the little bit of life that I that I I find that usually brothers and sisters are pretty close in and um they got the same gen you know I had the same t as you had so let's let's not be although I must tell you in my you know healthy healthy qualification so uh as it happens in our home we we look very much to our oldest brother as a very very smart you know this Same by us and I'm the oldest he says Same by us and I'm the oldest good it rubs off a lot from parents on the kids let me tell you one thing I go and speak for yes crowds and what the things I get up and they say TI you know ti ti you know ladies and gentlemen you know you have to respect your children and I hear the room you know like wait wait yeah yeah yeah let me say it again you have to respect your children so someone picks up the hand RAB I don't understand it says in the T you have to respect your parents I said I'll tell you why well without we wouldn't we think we don't have to respect that parents but your children wow you have to be an idiot not to respect your child by the way by the way that's an amazing thing that you said that without to you would not know that you have to respect your parents why should you respect your parents fault it's not my fault exactly no it's not my fault I suffer because of you that's why he's in a few months you know you know why do we see that we we we worship our children and not oh let's conclude yeah what are we taking out from this episode as if we didn't have anything until now taking from episode is as follows um I happen to think across the board I think in the last Kan we got a we there's a lot we have to do because we're growing okay we have to we have to be more understanding more tolerant more loving you know if if you're gonna say certain jokes in the house you better not make sure doesn't hear you you know yeah