You're Not Listening! - Rabbi Tzvi Sytner

tell me if this scenario sounds familiar a wife comes home from work she says oh my gosh i just had such a hard day this was so difficult my boss is giving me so much work i can't handle it anymore and the husband says you know you really should say something you should tell him go into his office and set up a meeting and tell him you know i can't handle it anymore it's just too much work and she says oh my goodness it was so frustrating and then my co-workers everybody's so chatty at work and everybody's gossiping and talking about each other it's such a negative environment and the husband says you know why don't you stay away from those people you don't have to talk to them at work just ignore them don't sit with them by lunch just totally ignore those people and she says it was such a hard day i feel so frustrated and he says well why don't you try this and she says you know you're really not being helpful you don't get it you don't understand and he says what do you mean i can't win with you everything i say if i try to help it's not helpful if i don't try to help i'm not being helpful it's a lose-lose or how about when a woman comes home and says oh this morning the kids they were so difficult david i was trying to get him to go to go to school today he just wasn't getting out the door he wasn't listening and sarah kept changing her clothing over and over and over and we were so late and everything i said they just weren't listening to me and the husband says why don't you just tell them you have to get going why don't you tell them the bus is waiting why don't you just give them an incentive or make a chart or something and he's trying to fix and she says you know you're really not being helpful right now forget i said anything just forget it and he says everything i say is wrong sound familiar here's a stereotype but i think it's true men want to fix they want to give answers women often want to be heard they want to see that somebody's listening and they're being supported know there's a famous line the line goes it's a line from proverbs from michele which means that when a person has stress going on inside of them they should speak it out they should share it but it only helps to speak it out when you know somebody's listening it doesn't help to talk to the wall so how do we listen how do we be a listener so that the speaker feels like they're being heard simple things when we make eye contact when we affirm with our own words in our own words what it is that the other person's saying to show them that we hear that we understand we can repeat to them in our own words what they're saying they will feel heard when we're giving them our full attention when we're trying to imagine in our own heart and our own mind what it is that they're feeling and they're experiencing it's amazing you'll be absolutely shocked but sometimes all you need is just the support when you're just being a listener and you're really good listener you'll be shocked at how much it resolves the stress or the situation or whatever is being escalated in the conversation it's amazing so whether it's a spouse or whether it's a friend or a family family member just give them the support by listening be an active listener and remember just breathe [Music] you