Kiruv Training by Rabbi Simcha Barnett

all right ladies it's it's great to be here for those who don't know me where my name is rather simple Barnett and we're going to be conducting a training tonight for the J inspire mentors right for the trip of ladies coming back from the Gina BRP trip in Israel so J inspire for those of you don't know is a division as a project of project inspire and we work j inspire works to our audience or our market is the person we're trying to be required private fireworks was from people Jane's by our subsidiary all the cure of programs we do that's James buyer so the most exciting where the most exciting things we're doing now is starting J inspired branches all across the country mostly new york new jersey area and the Queen's this Queens division has launched this year right with the James Barr division maybe the ladies here that prime movers of the of the of the project and the peer program we've been using as our vehicle to reach out to women in the area families in the area is the JW r 6 highly successful JW our women's trip to Eretz Israel so now we're at the stage where they're coming back they had a very successful brush em program in Eretz Israel they come back and now the real work begins and that's the follow up that's the Cure fall so our goal the real goal is to try to get every woman matched up with a mentor and we'll try to use a hallucinating and I'm going to I'm going to describe and elucidate general some general Kyril principles it's a very important general Kyril principles that you can use with anybody and then we're going to have to redo that we're going to focus more on the mentor process and the whole rooster process okay what's going to be about an hour and a half you know I'm going to get a lot of information in I you can ask questions as we go for clarification but rather take the bulk of the questions towards the end because I do have a lot of material to cover so as some of you this is going to be a little bit of a review particularly some of the general cure of principles if you're very involved in cure if and if you go or if you come to our project inspire care of training so please review is always good but II but will I have everybody every teacher has its own its own personal stories and so forth so I'm hopefully I'm sure you'll get something something I have that as well so the first I just want to mention is that even in terms of the learning even in terms of the hover ISA that we're going to try to set up learning is not your job learning with the women is really not your job the job is really to have a develop a strong relationship with the woman and hopefully with their family as well not just the women the husbands and husbands and the family and you're using the learning as establishing the kiyose the learning actually gives you regularity in terms of contact with the person i might have a my mother's has been grown in learning many many years and getting involved in utich kite but she never had a learning partner and i was able to set her up with one of the ladies surprised the spire that i met i thought it'd be a good match for her and the three years that they've been learning together she's grown tremendously more than she ever would before because now she's has this this person that's in her life constantly and the learning has just provided a vehicle for a friendship and a growth and a movement in a friend and incredible respect of this woman and she's really growing is quite more than she ever did the last 10 or 15 years so that's the power of this type of a situation now I tell you even being a professional you'll have people come to my house for shabbos as an example and they'll come from one shop is maybe I'll come for a second Chavez I'll come for a class and then even though i have the question well what's next you know how do i keep it moving how do i keep it going what's the next step and when you have a learning a loose relationship you have the the next steps come naturally because you're in contact and it's it's simple but it's a very it's an incredibly powerful care of tool because a lot of cure of situations burn out so this is a way for it not to to go forward now it would be very nice is it general cure of principle going to start with now it'll be very nice if everybody we met every secular Jew were not yet observing jus that we would meet out there that they were Parv when it comes to you to skype but that's this unfortunate not the case not every it's not most a lot of the Jews we find there can be a little combative they have misconceptions hala vide should they should be part so I want to share with you a few misconceptions that that non from Jews have many of them have and we even have it in our from way as well so we'll get a little a bit as well but if you understand these misconceptions a lot of then you can actually understand what psychologically holding some people back from getting more involved with each cut so it's probably quite important for us to know that you know just to illustrate us with a story in Israel very famous story any of any Makar can tell you this two people would come to a class 8a shotaro by the western wall and 11 of them would be on the edge of their seats soaking it up excited and then phenomenal it's is great and the other one would be a little nervous on serving the back of the seat and invariably we all know what it wasn't variably the one that was really excited was not Jewish and the other one was nervous now why was he nervous and something not something he would articulate it would articulate well why was he nervous because if I get him might get him he had these misconceptions that if he was going to be interested he might become firm that his life was over okay so in other words when you have that yeah we know gay but govern that way you have an emotional block no one's ever going to get through okay so we want to go through a few of these blocks so bahasham I'm sure that many of the misconceptions that these ladies had before they came on the trip they were either softened or completely eradicated you nobly anhara bahasham now is I'm sure that's the case but they still have vestiges of it and if shortly their husbands will and their children might so it's very important to go through them so what's the first one the first one is that yeah sure says it if she comes religious will she have to throw it if she won't have to throw up her high heels yeah sure there's also there's all sorts of fears also to misconceptions and we have to we have to cut of you ladies have to speak to what's bothering them not necessarily what they say what they do but what's under it under it all so what's the one thing one of the things that's a prime misconception is that we Orthodox Jews are judging them but they feel judged they're not a full Jew there's somehow not quite doing now we don't really try to give that off but this is something out there that they're feeling now our Torah says I don't really have much time to go through the sources but it's also to judge a fellow Jew you can judge an action this is uh sir this is motor they make their attention ish bah they didn't know you can judge an action but you don't know you didn't walk a mile in their shoes the gamar says my husband we don't know whose blood is redder we do not know if the greatest cybo generation is better in a secular Jew who resist eating court that day we don't know that's a freshman fresh em not for us but what happens when people feel judged even if it's not true thank you rejected and they shut down they shut down even though my children know when I'm judging and unfortunately parents sometimes do this for your children might judge my children they shut down they don't want to listen they don't want a lecture so it's the same thing so you can't they can't feel judged it's a very very important you know idea so I just want to say so one of the the practical points that comes out of this and I said pee a lot of people up for shabbos I do shabu Toa set people up quite a bit so someone will come for shabbos and a lot of times from people think that because they came over my house for shabbos or because they came on a program there they're one of us now like they really want to be like us like one our way of life and somehow I'll rethinking their own life I just want to tell you that's not really true it's not true just cuz I came for shabbos just because they weren't a grp trip does not mean they think their life's bad there's not where they're not willing to admit it at least at this point right I know sui we get to know people we see what's really going on their lives but we sometimes people will say and therefore you can say things like say example say a woman talks about a bat mitzvah that her cousin her cousin's daughter just just did and I was his traitorous can make this bat mitzvah and a fun person can maybe say oh that's that's that's such a shame nabla what and you would thinking that they feel that way that it's not really not authentic it's not true it's not true so you have to really be very that because that's judging them they're saying anything you'll say that they're not really at that point what you thought they were with you but they're not really fully they're gonna be very careful in casting any aspersions at their expression of utich click that's just an example right but but I don't realize this i remember one woman she was interviewing for Jinna the gwr p trip and she asked someone about keeping kosher do you want to keep kosher and the way she gave it over was as if it's the right thing to do now we know it's the right thing to do but you can see they don't dinner coming to the trip because they want to be from because they want to keep kosher they want to want a wonderful experience and connect to their jewish cultural identity but so it's very important that we stay away from those type of things and be sensitive right now we say whenever you are unsure don't say it if you're unsure of whether they'll be censored now when you know someone is so bought in that they really do want to express themselves as authentically even if they're not holding their how lovely okay then you can speak to them a little bit more open and they your sympatico so to speak they share your viewpoint we got to be careful not to jump ahead just because they've shown interest just because they've even talked in spiritual terms it takes a long time to get fully cooked to get seasoned as a present balance chula about chuva okay now Carla another car light of this is whenever they say something Jewish like about the Bat Mitzvah or something else they might have done it's very important us to validate that expression well so many people today aren't even getting bar/bat Mitzvah isn't that great that you wanted to do it that your sister wanted to do it you know some will tell you i just got bar Mitzvahed at 35 in my you know non-denominational reform movement class I went to and we you know they tell you what they did not like oh my god well that's so great that you at thirty few tweets so many things look what you're doing what what I what I share must be getting such knock us from you okay and that's you know how we validate you build them up now what is the best way to really turn around this idea that we're that they are feeling judged the best way is to make a relationship with them the best way is to is to show I want to be with you I want to be a friend of yours I want you to be in my family because that tells them in no uncertain terms your every much as every bit as much as you as I am so that's the surest way to get to get to deal with the idea of them feeling judged is you don't judge them and you accept them as even being as a Jew and you relate to them in that manner so and you're going to also find just going to we'll talk about a lot of this a little bit later but it also underscores the most important thing about Kyra the most important thing about care of is relationships anyway that's involving care of knows that relationship building is ninety percent of care of really ten percent the hawk ma you know lots of people think that I have to be able to answer questions like the rabbi I have to be able to you know do all sorts of amazing things and I'll know the answers and the truths that matter is is that care of is about forming a caring warm relationship and it retreats the matter is is that if a secular person or not you know a growing person formas relationship with a front person who is caring and who is a person who is living an authentic from life who is a sincere person that's trying to grow and and they that's what makes them from they see that in you they see that they used to say if I can get anyone to to be with her moshe feinstein look like it he would make this from because the Torah just exuded or rational combi Netsky usually can be well you know these kind of people it's at the Torah they are walking safer Torah so to speak so the more that we can have good me toes all the things we strive to do in our lives it's the greatest care of tool there's nothing about tools the best thing is to be the best evidence you could be and then authentically care about them and that's what they want that's what they see the neshamah in you and that's what they over time that's really what they aspire aspire for so relationship is ninety percent of it now that's why women you guys a relationship beans that's what a woman does I mean men have a hard time you know that I once went to a seminar and they said relation women our relationship beings men are nuts they're not relationship being salient if as's of and women have to teach them how to make a relationship so you have a back leg up on any man out there in terms of care of because you naturally women naturally make relationships I'm telling you it really is ninety percent of the job now relationships do thrive you know we know a commonality you know if you can relate to somebody person relatable that really is good and care of on ostensibly someone who relates to can relate to a not from june and can speak in about things that they know about that you know about that point of connection does matter but i just want to tell you one thing we're gets up berkowitz told me this one of my arabian shitara and he was so true he said makari means to Makai rave means to bring them close to you it doesn't mean you to go down to where they are you know I'm saying and we have to be careful because it's a balancing act you have to be relatable and you have to go to them meet them where they are so to speak to be relatable but you always have to remember what they're really going to move towards is the idealism in you is the the holiness and us is the thing which actually is a little over here and you and you want them so you don't ever want to compromise that for relatability you hear that so it's a fine line you know I used to know my you when I was single do it do I go to that quiet bar for a drink with this guy do I not like you know that this is this that was that's a single Cushman I had but like you half there really is a husband sometimes you make a decision to do something other times you you say no that's no but but it's got to be in your mind relatability but member Makai rave you want to bring them close you that the end is what is going to what's going to work and what's really best for them what they did bit craving right now let's go to the second misconception so the second is second misconception is the most important one really I'll tell you my own little story to illustrate this I went to Israel about 20 years ago 20 years ago I got to Israel I was traveling around the world bumped into Israel bumped into the Discovery Program which many of you probably heard about the famous discovery program I went to this discovery program in the old city and I was just blown away by this program I'd never had hava me know that there I didn't know there was a god and even if there was I had no possible authority that the tour would have been authored by God and that it would have been a blueprint for life so when I finished this discovery program and I had a javelina for the first time that this really was the case I was it was I was a feeling of euphoria I mean it was like hitting the lottery and my election thousand days in a row that's really what it means that there's a there's a God who gave a Torah and machine to come and the world's gonna we're going to bring the world to slay missin to peace and to everything everybody wants that's the King lottery a thousand days in a row better than that but in our lush and hitting their one thing you'd be on you be on cloud nine that's what it means that we have a tourist our Torah is ms and it's the blueprint for the world salvation no less than that and we this little tiny people rounded up to the nearest integer 0 we have the keys to that whole thing we have the winning lottery ticket in our hand that's unbelievable so for three days I was in kind of your fork then walking on a cloud and then all of a sudden day 3 our day for I got depressed got the press so how could you get even if you won the lottery where it wouldn't take would take more than three days to get to president Wei take at least a month so how is it that I was depressed after three days and I thought a dad and I really it doesn't make any sense so I really is that what's going on is that below the surface I'm thinking my life's over yeah I won the lottery but I'm not gonna be able to do anything with the money that I just won its over i can't eat what I want I can go out with who I want I get this i can't that restriction restriction you know so body was saying go get out of there run so it's depressed and I realized wow you know your problem is that you just must not be in touch with the pleasures of Torah because it can't be that God would put me in the Situation giving me a lottery ticket and then killing me it doesn't make sense it's a steer oh so hot it must be that I just don't know I'm not aware of the pleasure it's sort of like a wine connoisseur the first time you drink a glass of wine it probably hated it it wasn't so it wasn't good it's an acquired taste the deeper pleasures in life are acquired taste okay so so really that's what we have to show them in other words the subtle the more deep the spiritual pleasures in life the shop the pleasures that we you know we live on that is not as apparent to them off the bat I always say people in on my beginner services on Yom Kippur I say William Kidd were supposed to be a beautiful day a joyous day a happy day we're not thinking about food it's like the rambam you know you're resting from the needs of the body that's the ROM bob says is the anu you it's not it's not hurting yourself its resting from taking care of the body it's like getting out of jail free card for the soul for one day that's what it is but I said you're not really going to experience that so much today because the only way you can experience that is if you're more of a soul because it's a getaway freed a car for the soul but if you really feel like you're a body it's not going to be so nice you're going to feel a little hungry but I said when is the best time to prepare for your Kippur moti Yom Kippur motian Kippur they make yourself more spiritual this coming year you really be into now with spiritual pleasure okay so we're we commend everybody kids not gonna do it now but recommend to everybody that if you don't know the material already you get on H com you can get hard copy the five levels of pleasure but of North weinberg better you had to get the audio and really sit with it because this is a classic I think one of the it was it's classic for 30 years on the different levels of pleasure and you'll find that the way it's given over that the secular person they will relate and understand to every one of these levels and realize their living on the lower end of the scale and they want to move higher you this is required reading a required listening Eddie mentor for any person that's involved in cure ok it's the 505 levels of pleasure ok ok pard me sure sure you can learn that absolutely all of the rushes even offline Berg's Torah was very accessible to learn with people and there's a book will be on the reading list one of the one of the things we're going to do for one I want learning is we'll have a reading list of books that are very my team for different things so this what the angel taught you are these seven classes these classics that review of Solomon wrote but they're of knots classics very very good to learn and very very good to teach over i'll give you some handouts and mrs. free to actually help me with this a little bit as well things that you can read on your own ask the rabbi types of things that can crease your nut because the more knowledge one has of what questions people ask and what the answer is you know you get conversion to get fluent that's not necessary but it's good it's good to have these different things in your back pocket yes the rabbi that you can get every day on the daily list of age com is that right well that's what I have it but there's archives to you can go in and you can get anything you want i'm going to show it to you it is this here it's it's by categories it's for not fantastic very very very very good ok so the basic Derek of care of is you need to show them pleasure that's what you need to show people because the main thing that they're emotionally feeling is that I'm going to be restricted and pleasures going to be taken away in my life right now this is sort of like what you said not seven ish my will do and then we'll hear the Derek of care of as an issue of a NASA mission of an initially means what's in it for me I'm hearing I'm giving I'll give you a hearing what's in it for me how is my life going to be better how am I get more pleasure more fulfillment more enjoyment okay then we get around for the NASA all curve is like this you know that's why shabbos is the number one thing to do with for with Kira you've noticed challah baking is also as quite as it's quite good we Carlebach white car buff mini on him pleasure its spiritual it's nice it's good food good wine it's it's attracting them on their turf what's in it for me and then as you enough you get enough nishma then you come around to NASA okay and unfortunately this generation we're not as intellectuals they used to be 20 30 40 years ago so it takes a little bit even longer to get around to the not set okay but that's the derrick of Kira nishma vanassa okay so you want to give them shabbos and Carl buff and spirituality and simplest hisana you know that in air to throw we used to look for a hosta to bring our college groups and pay them you know for more caking whatever because invariably two or three of the kids would come from because of the hasana they will tell you when they that is the reason I saw what they had and what I could be and who I could marry and that set me off to being from more the girls than the boys but still even boys as well so simplest he's shown them the pleasure trip Tara to Sorel now you see that with the women themselves but even with their husbands or with their children and part of being being care of being a mentor as being a shotgun trying to see how you can match the other family members up with things that are good for them the main thing is birthright you have someone who has a child whose between 18 and 20 26 whatever they're the ranges will help you set them up with the appropriate program it'll change their life so you'll be thinking about Asha I'm going to be a shotgun over here show him the pleasure and also Taurus high and tourists Heigham is is relevant tora tora that makes a difference it's again this would the river of not what he specialized in with Torah that was relevant and that made a difference in people's lives and it was accessible to them and that's tourists tourists hi and you know living torah instructions for living that's out that was the Darrell Hughes and that's very pleasurable particularly to a lot of young Jews who aren't getting a lot of a lot of stimulation you know there's one article i'm going to show you my rabbi rabbi black that's on this week's ich komm in the front about that Jews are less academic now than they had they had been you know and he's worried about that and it's really true Jews are solar on so much into making money now using their brains to make money that they don't know the pleasure of intellectual pursuit anymore of them so this is important this is something that people can really enjoy because they don't get that in their lives this idea of tourists Khayyam so in the beginning really the idea is what's in different man you got to give them the pleasure show the wonderful stuff that we have the wonderful things we have now some people ask for one of that truth what about the not set part so I just want I just want to tell you that most people most people out there today don't even know what you're talking about when you bring up the word truth because you have to understand they've been brainwashed to let all their lives in school to think the truth is relative true this is what I choose to believe in so that therefore it's really it really goes back to nishma again I'm not that nobody can tell me or impose a truth on me that's your truth and people are holding by that even if they can articulate that you know what's the riot in when discovery when I took the scarf even 20 years ago so 40 people would be taking discovery right and five people would stay and follow it up and 35 to go to the beach wrapping that was green what an amazing experience I have Jewish pride now and I'm going to beach I'm like go to the beach just now you have a half of you now you have a possibility that God wrote a Torah and gave you the keys to everything do you want to learn about it don't you want to get involved with it oh that was pretty badly I feel so proud to be a Jew I have to go to the beach after agrees right so so there's about ten percent of the population 10 to 15 maximum that are truth seekers from the get-go now people will come around to truth once you want you you get to they see it they feel that there's something here it's not just you know that everything is what they're used to such a wash of things in their life that nothing really is is is is resonating with them is true but after a while the Torah after a while the truth of this will come to them and then though it'd be a whole different ballgame but initially people are not drawn to truth ten or fifteen percent are so those ten or fifty percent that a real true seekers real persistent those you can gauge and they want to be engaged on that level I'm telling you you can assume not until they hit you over the head that's what I want as a matter of fact even if they give you challenging questions it's usually just throwing you off they don't mean it they couldn't care less about it they'll talk about the Holocaust I'll talk about it's you it's usually just how do you know it's true i didn't get or even care about it I'm telling you they don't care about sourav null used to do which was always great when someone would give him a challenging question or something about truth or something about the Holocaust and he and he was trying to see whether they really be bothered by it he would say tell him a joke he would push him off with some type of a joke they would say you know why are women second-class citizens and and there and the rabbi would say you'll think I'm crazy push him what they say nun and I really want to know I really want to know why but lava and I'll push them or forget I you don't want to know right and I'll go through two or three iterations and finally if they say you know they bug them right then the end you know they really wanted answers like a convert right the third time you learn it but you just push him off a few times so then here she would give the answer and they say that's the craziest thing I ever heard he said I told you you would say is crazy otherwise you have to what I was trying to do is always you know initially push it off make a joke don't take it so seriously they'll let you find out whether they really want to address an issue or not most the time I find these challenging issues from the get-go they're not that's why you've been a Chavez tables a lot of times i would just steer away pilates thing especially with men men like to argue it just make a joke make a joke move it around you know say something we'll get we'll get back to in terms of question and answers we'll get back to that in a moment we'll get back to it okay so let's do a practical Derek of Kira from these first two misconceptions okay so that we touched on the first one the first goal is building a relationship right you connect you become friends show care concern this is your foundation and I'm telling you Kemp put too much time into laying this foundation this is the most important thing that a person can do now part of that is you can't have an agenda I know ultimately do have an agenda or agendas we want them to come closer two shims Torah that is our agenda but you really have to keep that and filter that through an agenda of I want to help you I want to share something with you I that you cannot have them feel they'll pick up in a second if they think you're doing this for you meaning that I want them to come from somehow it's you know it's sort of a notch on my belt so to speak and and that's it's not so easy to do it because you do want it to move along but you have to really try and the you know the little picture here to really reach out to them as another human being here for them and maybe look at it like this my job is to just give them free will they never had before they don't really have free will to get close to you despite they had all these misconceptions and all these brainwashing so I'm sharing them with my life and I'm trying to give them open up their field of free will and i hope but i pray that they'll take it that's it that's a whole diff a little bit off a little different qivana and it comes across i think much more authentic and it's much more caring and that's what you have to develop not again I still think women are probably better not having the agenda then than men are but it's just something to very much keep in mind you cannot have an agenda absolutely them around tomorrow absolutely absolutely and that's also another thing isn't LED you mention that because that's another point is that are we never make anybody from right we never do it sort of initial island and them all we are as Ashley have to try to do a stylist to try to help them point in the direction that they can choose a pledge you mention it it's a very important point and that's so if you look at your job like that you're right it's not so as the one thing and it's not and also it comes across much more natural and it doesn't have an agenda very very good very very good I want to make a comment about observance also you do want to make suggestions to people as your relationship with them grows about things they can they can do and they could take on now but again it's all based on a strong relationship if you have a strong relationship you can suggest anything if you have a strong relationship you can discuss any topic as well any topic I tell you story when I first was in I had I was already had a branch of a chitarra in Philadelphia I was singled two time and I was at my friends my partner's house is his wife and he had she had her aunt over and they were talking about something and it was during the Clinton era and I really wasn't a Clinton fan and I mentioned something about homosexuality and it was so it was dumb dumber than dumb because I didn't have to use this as my example it was dumb it was just to throw out that we didn't want to who you're talking to and we just slept I didn't realize it you know and then as I'm going you know I get a kick on the table a kick and looking it's my it's mike the rebbetzin my friend's wife she could she did kicking me and I'm you know men are a little dense so I kept going up so she kicked me again so I get a second time I god i didn't me three kick that ass so she tells me later that our aunt has a gay child fish this is a mistake you make mistakes in America mistakes but the point is is like you know it's like believe me if I had a good relationship with the woman really a solid laceup you can even talk about that you can talk about the most sensitive of sensitive topics but you have to get the cure of is a principle cannot outpace the relationship Keir if cannot outpace it's like if the you're trying to build the first floor or second floor that's too big for the foundation it doesn't go it doesn't go you have to have the proper foundation proper first floor and then you can then you can go and you can add on get on from there who also in terms of observance sometimes we're shy about suggesting to people they take on something and by the way I think that's important lushing by the way I always say have you ever considered x have you ever considered keeping kosher now what that does that that turn of phrase it's very successful for me because what it does is it puts it totally in their court giving them tremendous respect it's not saying do this it's a it's getting in starting a dialogue and they actually enjoy it have you ever considered like it's like you're giving them creedence for being an intelligent thinking mature person and it works wonders so I always introduce any time I'm trying to get someone to go fight visor have you ever considered x it's a beautifully and they say no it just doesn't it doesn't hurt your relationship in any way so it's a very very important thing the other idea that I had a bunch of people like this in Philly I would teach them and I thought you know my great or is gonna my own humility is going to really move them they can become from and then a couple of people were lagging you know they weren't they weren't they were coming it there was swiveling notes everywhere but they weren't moving forward room servants and then I set him up at a Bella bus for dinner you know on a Friday night program we did and then all of a sudden I get I heard the story that this guy is not eating pork now and he's not listening to the radio in his car because the guy said to him you know you know the ever thought of because he was in on the way said you ever thought of you know doing something with kosher that's the whole thing they said what can I do is when I maybe don't you know just take one thing like pork he said great fine then he says when you have to go to work because i know you you're a lawyer you have to work on sorry but what about way in the car don't listen to the radio he said fine you know you know what that that was an amazing lessons for lesson for me because you know he did he asked for the order and my in sales and those that he asked for the order but we assume sometimes because they're not doing something that they don't want to do it it's not true they just sometimes ignorant of it and they never had they never thought about this fellow never thought about it never thought about it at all the other thing i just want to i want to mention is that we have that patients we have to have patience because we want people to come from like that we love these stories you know we always hear stories of a person they went on the trip where they went to a class and you know and then there went to nevada learn right are they you know the incredible success story the home runs story and we always think we're if I really want that to happen to me right you want to hit the home run we don't want to just have a situation for ten years of working with it the whole month we have to be very very we have to be patient and we have to trust in the cottage particle three people I was working with a Philadelphia when I was there I was frustrated ready to give up I left they all became from and vary from some of them in Aaron you know working for the cloud now really amazing amazing people sonic toss is not on our time schedule and it's tough particularly when you have married people it complicates things so it could even take a little bit longer so you really have to have patience is miss Friedrich said before you have to just do stylist that's your job not to get them from its to do your stylist okay now so what can you do some of the things you can do for the relationship now you can make periodic calls to them apart from the learning right check in hiding before shabbos that's what happened with my mother and and this woman I set her up with is it they became friends and they check in they treat they treat each other on that level and they probably talk to each other more outside the learning now then they do inside the learning which is great which is exactly you might think oh that's bad because not learning as much anymore no that's good because they're building a relationship my mother turns to her for advice should i do app should i do why then she's considering not to me she'll say you know Jim kipper what can I take on it's all because of this all because of this relationship making me for coffee two shoes these are things you know I'm just going to run through it very quickly though periodic invites for shabbos column would so kiss konica you all know this holiday gifts you know a should probably the Sparta made it very easy with these easy outreach gifts but you know something before Hanukkah a little like little gift book something maybe a birthday so we don't deal with Bert see so much in our world they vary in two birthdays right so you give me a perfect opportunity if imperfect the opportunity to give them something that you think we'd really hit the spot on their birthday now one other thing sending out periodic articles or videos this is very very effective over time and I brought a couple with me I just want to show you can do your own whatever but I saw today just today endangered Jewish genius with Einstein on the top acecomm now this is a great article to send to somebody you don't a total contemporary topic about this whole Jewish brain drain and that they're based on a study that was done i think by non-jew so it's very interesting now even better if it wasn't in h calm if it was from The Wall Street Journal of New York Times that they're very much of any type of second of publication but okay this is good rabbi black talks about you know really talked about it from from a you know a very contemporary port of you and puts the Jewish twist so it's a beautiful beautiful thing and I even looked up he had another one a couple weeks ago you know Lena's grovel in the Bible this is crazy yeah they've all been to the show they all know lame is I mean to have this any part of a very interesting point about it so this would be something good to show you know a lot of people who like science and I had this great article of us you know the multiverse call this was a very cool thing which for the first time in my life it said our universe is perfectly tailored for life that may be the work of God or the result of our universe being one of many I never saw on a science article my entire life they gave the possibility that there would be a god as a premise and I actually say it's this or this theory to be there was a major breakthrough someone interested in signs will love an article like this from the Discover Magazine now just rules about giving at an article or or the or video these Charlie harare videos as an example they're unbelievable and we know 1 good video really truthfully 1 good video is worth you know really about 100 articles you notice that in the in the learning series that some of you have seen that we'll get to in a bit I put two videos in here featured videos in the series because i know they listen to one or two videos you get addicted to them and you can really move tremendously so this is a way to do when you send a video when you send it an email never send the chain too many people now if it's your group that's a little different because then they know like oh you know it's from Tobin I could send out to 12 and they're all my friends that's fine but but usually in curative if you're sending it to a person don't ever say it's got a personalized it can't be part of a you know thing wants to be personally dear Jane really thought you would like this you know Sarah PS please tell me what you thought very important to say that because you want a dialogue you want to dial with them now never inundate some people think it's like my kids one jelly bean is good five pounds is better one article is good 50 is better no 50 is not better when people there's a guy who sent you 50 articles that's the guys you don't open span it right you're spamming exactly so my rule of thumb is you don't send more than two a month what every other week unless you know that this person really either wants more articles reviews because they told you or they like a particular topic tremendously stuff on Israel so it also watch Israel in the news because that's also something that rub that's something they might like as well during a day make a personal ask for feedback but over time this is really this really creates a worldview for people and then by the bottom line if they go on this H calm thing and rabbi block he's got 50 articles on there that are amazing they'll go to one and they'll see and they'll like wow they'll become an H calm groupie and you know many people become from and then you do they do you work for you then your your work is done as a fob Russa and you have them flying on a strim articles like look what I saw on the bottom of the are at the bottom of the article from a rally blacklist this week was it said the hitchhiker's guide guide to God that's a cool title Hitchhiker's Guide to God I would look at that the Jewish haiku haiku and the Kabbalistic life of pi those are cool titles that those are things that any secular person would take a look at so you're going on you give one girl article they like now if you could also give them there's some some good parsha things every week that are really good and like rabbits and bars you know from the grp her husband is a genius and he's got some very interesting partial stuff so I love him so I I said one or two out and a person gets hooked on one of those you'll say hey Jane you know he writes every week really does how can I get it then you really got something as well so it's good to throw in every once in a while something on on the parsh now the general of thumb to is don't make it too religious to begin with you know kind of Parv you know Taurus time and over time you can make it a little more a little bit more serious I guess you would say get them to your simplest sympas are you know so very important the upsherin and a hosta any type of simpler you know even praying for someone like Lofton your ladies are praying for people to to bring a woman who's not used to that into that is a tremendous thing to pray for someone in the community or the family and similarly if you had a Hesed project you know making meals for mothers do any time they all say they're very drew on to cuss it so that would might be another thing to involve you're not from ladies into some of your husband projects it's a whole other way of getting the truth and feeling good and that you're doing and doing something meaningful so there's another very very good thing to do okay you need to try to be a shot girl and I mentioned before building relationships to her husband her kid now obviously it'd be great if your husband if he's the type of you can get the husband to do this to try to make a casher with their husband that would be the dream of of all of us right you have two people learning not to two men two relationships not just one so the extent that you can do that you can get your husband's to tithe give a tenth to care of his promotion for instance that we ought to do great but I'll leave that I'll leave that to you the truth no matter is also keep in your mind we can always make a one-on-one learning program for men we can start that if the men you know cease the curriculum to see the women getting something how would you like to learn honey I will get you and we'll handpick we're going to fry burger and he'll go and grabbing and all the men and women fit that will be the two such a success and we could generate a men's learning program from you know your interaction with with the women your local care of organizations you know in town here you should know that like let me maybe I can match this guy up with the rabbi or with another friend of ryan burger or he has questions you should be thinking about that who can I you know be shotgun who can I make the out within the community ncsy or other local organizations for the kids I don't know what you have here but you have to know the resources who's around who's the go-to person the truth is we should have this up on the we're going to have a internal website we have a Queen's to bla the Queen's division we should put all that on the on the this this internal blog so anybody in the group will know right away without having to go you know reinvent the wheel every time so we'll work on that camps very good jet Nagila is a fantastic a resource very very cheap college i'ma carving as well if you have women whose kids are in college are going to college you come to us we'll figure out who is the makari who is the person to talk to on that campus to try to make up with with their child very very important ok we mentioned before of showing the Shonan the pleasure shabbos yom tov konica holla my tuckus you know all the things the project inspire encourages encourages you to do we Israel as well I'm Israel is the greatest pleasure you could have because it just it's a place that your soul just lights up and that's just what happens it's a laboratory for the soul it just lights it up I was also thinking every once a while you can do something just for fun right just fun non nothing to do with eat us kite dinner hiking ice skating tennis whatever whatever your thing is I don't know what grass things are from people can have fun too it's important for them to I'm sure actually them assure you you're you're good with that but that's also something to do now the next thing is strategy for moving them along and we talked about the basic Darrell the basic derek was relationship don't judge them that's because the relationship is counters that show them the pleasure now this is a strategic step they what are the big gates of horrors that all human beings have and is that it's all or nothing now it's interesting they think that's a spiritual or religious issue like I have to do all the 613 or nothing you know in the eights of heart puts them in that position they think it's a religious issue but I point that it's not a religious issue it's a human issue you know what I'm trying to think do I eat do I not eat that piece of chocolate cake eat the whole thing you know it's not a religious issue it's made zahara trying to get me not to do what I really want to do if I'm going to go learn my usual state of an hour I learned somewhere I can't let an hour my it's our will say don't learn five minutes it's all or nothing either do the hour or don't do anything at all either go for the run three miles or don't run at all that's a human issue idea of all or nothing our gates a heart tells us all of us whatever is important to us oh if you can't do it all don't do any of it it's a human issue they it's interesting you get that across them like wow because they thought they thought it was a religious issue it's not you can short to anything there lies they're all or nothing features it's not religious it just points you in the direction that it's important to you because you're good so hard we can get on you in the oil nothing fashion if it wasn't signaling that this is really important it's a really interesting thing to bring across them so how do we deal with this idea of all nothing so I always say you know every Mitzvah a person who does it's like hitting a gold mine every single midst if you do is getting your eternity is giving someone a high like it all on my bot every single one it was like hitting a gold mine it's so precious and so unbelievable and you def where you validate them for it therefore you say the I always say there's no person that's totally religious and does all the midst vision is no person that doesn't do any Mitzvah and I tell them you're religious you just don't know it you give sadaqa you're nice to your mother you honor your mother and father you are ethical your ethical person you try not to gossip you also religious don't pull yourself you're not a non religious Jew your religious as well and we're on a ladder and the idea is to go up not to go down all of us I'm in the same boat as you I just might be a different wrong it's such a beautiful way of you know getting them with you that it's it's like you run your own race you're not comparing yourself to me you're pairing you sell anybody you have to be the best Jane you can be and that's what I should watch it it's very beautiful uplifting way to categorize everything again don't get impatient that they're not going up the ladder enough we mentioned that before now I'll give you a tool which I use which I found helpful you know it's the mission in Perkey in pirkei avos Ashley should devour my alimony Torah a voter give me those four sudden right the famous Mahara in that since there are three relationships in the world the relationship to yourself the relationship to God and the relationship to others so he says velocity obviously is your relationship to your fellow man banana Maha thero the your relationship to God is a voda obviously so what's what's the last one Torah your relationship to yourself that's how you discover it your neshama through Torah those are the three relationships in life and to be holistic they like this word a holistic human being a well-balanced you being like a stool which has three legs you know a stool does not stand if it has only two legs three is a minimum key to be holistic you have to have all these three developed you have a good relationship with God a good relation with a fellow man and a good relationship with yourself so I say pick a mitzvah in each of these three things to be working on and i would say for russian before yom kippur and I they love this because it's like it's very nice it's nicely laid out always be learning something to get more now self knowledge about something you want to grow it always have some of your learning in Tara always have something that helping you get a closer connection to God maybe take on the Sh'ma maybe doing a little bras you know people they people love bras when you have a concept that we actually thank God with our food it's a beautiful concept and the third is mitsuba Adam la vero they love that so I always say you know this is a well-balanced holistic person so it could be a good framework framework for you to for you to use now beyond that you just be thinking every once in awhile how can I move this person along what Torah should we be learning that's that one pillar what Mitzvah could I suggest in one of these two areas and there's one of the thing what experience can I give to this person what to their family which can help move them alone okay I didn't get this to a casa de they did the kids enjoy Garrett Cicero you know maybe we could get them to like the asia tour has these partner conferences it's like a extended shop it's like it's like another taste of Israel so to get a husband to experience that kind of brings a little Israel to them which they didn't have they didn't get the ability to have because they didn't go to Israel so you're the thing what's the next experience should I bring the moment to the mikvah I know you guys did that in Israel so that's a great thing but say you had maybe that's a great thing to show go see dinner grace that's a tremendous thing to do one of the ladies that we working with last year went on a general p trip she's already doing transmission bah I'm sure there are lots of others you know just because we my wife invited her to go and polar badish that's great I could do that it's like it's not changing my life it's like no one knows you know it was a tremendous tremendous thing candling so good shabbos whatever the next experiences you think they have to have okay so now let me move to the hover Issa okay we did all the general stuff let's move to the Russa idea and the mentor idea so again just to review the the first thing is that it's the cavies it's the fact that you're going to be in contact on a regular basis which is the the real kicker why we're doing this it isn't the learning learning is great it's wonderful i hope they just love it they can't get enough of it but it's the key is to build a relationship now framework well framework what framework are we going to use for learning now it's going to obviously change from j inspire location to location little change from women to women but obviously the best way to learn is in person if you can that would be the best way to learn now it's not always going to be possible it's not as they be practical what I think would be a good idea is if you can somehow structure at least once a month or once every six weeks where you can be in person and then you can even if the person has a tough schedule where it wouldn't work all the time the phone for the rest I find to have that in person touch you know at least once every so often really helps out helps out a lot now and now we were also saying it could be that as a group you can structure your group event that you did last multi shabbos that there's some aspect of the learning in that group event so you're you're bringing them together to learn but it's also in person and there's a power to getting the whole group together and learning it's like a basement raynaud's to get a TED and 15 pairs in a room learning like that based measures it's a tremendously exciting type of the thing so to do that if you can once every so often would be quite good how many times do you need to learn per month frequency to really make it effective so so am i learning with executives and different people that I've learned with I find that twice a month I think is a minimum touch but below twice a month is not enough of a Russian you don't make on a person typically so I always try to go at least twice the some people want to go every week but some people don't but I guess where I would phrase it to my hover is I said look I think if I you know let's get Taylor twice so we can get something out of it less than twice it's not going to really work for either of us in you owe it to yourself to do it twice how are we going to make it that we meet twice a month let's schedule every week and it won't work out that we're going to meet in other words if you schedule for twice a month what happens you never meet twice a month it's like ray don't do it so it's almost better to say you know what we're not going to meet more than twice a month you know to do that let's let's schedule it even if we just talk for five minutes how are you doing right that's what we'll do so you'll end up getting twice a month that I think is the best strategy saying we're going to touch base this time every week and you know sometimes we'll be able to learn sometimes you won't at the very least we'll say hi how you doing we'll just we'll shmooze 45 minutes okay so I think that's a that's a good good a good framework and again the weeks are not learning call on the off time you know members it's a relationship okay what to learn what are we going to learn so some of you've seen our curriculum that we developed some of you have it it's called the one-to-one Torah learning higher ground life series right so I put this together we have six classes here at a 10 and they're on tourist climb issues there are things like happiness how to how to avoid the roadblocks the happiness love relationships self-esteem bashundhara free will you know all these topics that we think from our experience they would be interested in and it gives it reason we put together is first of all it's professional it looks really nice they look well we're part of a national program and right it's kind of spiffy right so they like that it's more receive and go far so good and it gives the mint or something to do so they don't feel like what I gonna do what I'm going to do it's a good starting point it's a jump-off point at the end of the Libyan end all but it's a good jumping point and it seems to hope so far so good now in addition to that please feel free on anything go off the page the learning is just again a jump-off point some of the best learn you'll do is when you don't do any learning an issue comes up you talk about me do this all time with people you you talk about this issue in their life and they did more learning in this issue than the curriculum so don't fix it women are much more tune about this matter like i gotta get through the jury asked for question I gotta get through the questions I gotta learn this that's that's not it go with the flow and your best learning is done often off line ok off line book list is coming out so if you don't like this you want to augment it they want to learn something more specific we're going to have the best books for you for prayer and for all the different topics that they might have and I know in your group some of them want extra learning already just because they are interested in certain topics so we'll give you a very very good book list as well I'm also going to put this internal blog resources for pirkei avos and for himesh because those are two sources that cut across a lot of people a lot of interest a lot of things to be done in those two areas so we'll have have that now i just want to show you something and if I have all your email addresses i'll give them to you and also put this on the blog it's a jewish personality test it's called the jewish s80 spiritual assessment test my friend Avram goals are put together and brilliant and what it is all it is is a questionnaire asking people what are you most interested in if you're going to learn you like this this it's really fascinating and he says it's a cute thing the way he phrases it you ever take the Jewish s88 they're like wow they're very intrigued so he gives it to here are five tracks personal growth spirituality Jewish philosophy contemporary issues jewish practices jewish literacy and there's a one-sentence definition eat each of them say know what it is so he says right what you're most interested from 15 and may everybody they take the jewish personality test you know and i'll come up with numbers so he ranks them so the this one so he says he said he's cute the way does it but he says he said comes out me and he says okay so you are terrific so you're a 3 to 4 15 3 to 4 and 5 is whatever that i remember it was there that means that jewish philosophy topics are your greatest interest followed by spirituality that's great that's Jewish s80 said I'm curious have you ever read this or we've ever done that so he he shows that they were interested in learning because he just ranked all of this you don't need to do with orange didn't learning but there's a great way to see who's who's the person in front of you because if your fullest I'm philosophical so I like to learn with people at philosophic if I'm with someone who's not philosophical is practical or who is once Jewish literacy the big picture I need to know that so if you went with your ladies take down for this fun spiritual s80 you're going to know exactly what is going to hit the mark with them do I learn philosophy or do I learn ethics or run profile goes because that's where they're interested is to make the difference is this person to do or do they want more practical stuff it's this person to think there is this person want my Cabala light because they're more spiritual you don't always know that huh low so you have your own SI t you love your own SI t so you'll take it now look I Shem does it which we do the best we can nourish em does it should go home does the rest just because you're not used because you might not be philosophical doesn't mean doesn't mean that's nothing not the only part of a person but I just what this is showing is is what yeah you give it to them so you know what kinds of things what they're interested in right so to listen not every matter be not it first of all I'm just trying to say i'm just i say not all of these there's a lot of facets to people and there's a lot of things besides what they said it just gives you an inkling into what types of things to talk them about and there's sometimes should do home don't work so you'll say you know what I really think this girl is such an intellect and so philosophical let's find someone for her that's fine too no problem with that there's no probably the most the time I don't think it's gonna be as rigid as that but there's no problem with that so you go on a spectrum if they wish articles of velocity no but she might have but I understand somebody's but if your polar something like if one person saw it yeah I'd be like yeah show you baby right right but right so again again don't worry they we can make another up I mean that every shelf in the works yeah no problem doesn't know the right Edna and so then so yeah and you know and that but you know something that that's something we'll tell them and we'll tell you so it's it's okay that's okay that's that we we know that's going to happen though that shouldn't worry anybody but within that within the within the normalcy range just know what they're what the hot buttons are that's really what that the idea was I think it's a very good thing for anybody learn with someone to know who's this person in front of you so you try you try to tailor it that way okay so we're going to have this again again I'll give your email we're going to have this open box that net you have all this information you'll be able to come and get it you know if to rely on us you'll be able to do it yourself okay a couple more guidelines and then we'll ask when then we'll have two questions you're not presenting yourself as a professional teacher no don't get nervous about that you're learning together you're sharing what you know and you'll be discovery process that's the way it goes you're sharing it together you don't need all the answers in a matter of fact when they say something you say you know what what are the things wondering I love doing this because I grew up from and we never asked some of these questions because it was just part of what we did so it's so refreshing to hear this these questions and I'm soap side I'm on alert I don't know that don't feel the baddest girl know something it's also it's a built-in opportunity for another learning session really is you're not known for something to say you know what like men do I'll look it up and get back to your was wondering which safer they used to look it up does that look it up safer I'll look it up i'll get back to you so it's a great opportunity for another another idea in the session of learning it also makes them feel good makes them feel validated and it's it's honest you're being honest with them don't ever feel bad about not knowing something you don't need to do everything try to validate their points of view really try to evaluate their points of view and contributions the best the best way you can even if it's something that you get I didn't agree with but you say you know I understand how you can say you can see that see it that way or how you could have developed that understanding try to validate where they're coming from well so you don't have to be the defender of the faith you know if someone again as a challenging question you say that it's very interesting i'll think about it or or you know if you have a mihalik fine but don't feel you have to go back and forth don't feel you have to make a defense that usually comes out of insecurity it's fine like i said before you can make a joke you can give a little mush on this you know what I'm going to look for a really good article or for someone to who knows more about this than I do to give you a proper answer your question deserves a proper answer and that also is extremely validating validating approach now again questions are not always questions they really aren't if someone throws that one you know the women are second-class citizens or or the Holocaust half people even got dialyzer most the time they're really not legitimate questions and again avoid it you know I yeah it is tough which is happy to Connecticut and like just but don't go into a philosophical discussion because also philosophy doesn't usually move people even philosophical people you notice that philosophy doesn't move people doesn't get its too brainy you know it doesn't go from the head into the heart philosophy alone so to get into intellectual conversations it's just I'm telling you it's typically it's typically not productive and then they feel judged like we're talking about before again there is a time in place I'm incredibly philosophical incredibly intellectual and my debater so I can't claim I don't get into debates I do but the issue is to get at them at the right time when it's going to make a difference that's what you want get to the point where the bowling I I put it like this they're like bowling pins scatter on the alley your job is to put them up in the rack and when they're in the rack then you take the ball and you could not depend on the the intellectual or whatever arguments going to get to do it the mock of a Polish the gnosis step but it takes a little time to get those pins which you've confused and scattered up in a row in Iraq that's what the goal of most of this is okay controversial issues push them off into the future you know I'll give you an example when somebody asking about the holla to whatever one of my push off moves is that I said you know it's a very complex question it's very important it shows you're really sensitive but I said I want to show you give you a analogy to just just think about and you've probably heard this before if you're going is you're from Africa and you come in to this place and you see these people attacking this guy with knives on a table he's out cold in it they're ripping him up right that's an operating theater right to one person who doesn't understand what's going on it looks like a murder look at the murdering the poor guy with a little context or understanding it's an operation to save his life okay so I say you know they say we are context our perspective it's hard to see where this is all going but it is really is a question of context question I think about it now I've stopped it there we can go into it but I give a marshal I say another Marshall about you know a lot of times it's interesting they have to accept the good people and different things it really is it really has to do with our free will because everything was great and everything was apparent we really wouldn't be human what being human is our free will so I say it's like this you know imagine the kids in the inner in a house and he's thrown a ball around and he almost hit his mother's beautiful flowers on the table and she said she's yelling at him you gotta you can't throw the ball and she's so mad right so okay he puts the ball down he's in his reading and the cat there's an open window and a cat runs in the open window knock goes to the table knocks over the Vaz the vons goes crashing down the mother comes in and she sees the cat you know oh my poor vaj I'm so and the kid is really mad how could he yelled at me you don't yell at the cat and he sings to me is like I want to be a cat things like no I don't hear the marshal the mercial is it's like it's like he's got free will and yeah it comes with consequences it comes with it might be to your mother's gonna scream at you but would he want to be you want to be the boy that has this ability to affect like we want to be cat yeah he has an easy life he doesn't get yelled at by his mother but you don't wanna be a cat so I out did that Marshall and move on and sometimes I don't get anything and I'll just oh yeah just empathize you know it is difficult is tough how da hah there I know they want to hear you say there are no answers so i might say there yeah I might say you know it really is there are no answers you really can't know the patents little answers big answers right but it's better just to not go there not go there at some point you can go there at some point you can build a foundation I'll even understand that will even understand least the intellectual understanding of it the emotional understanding i don't think any of us will ever you know in its era are other peoples but but at least intellectually there are certain answers to the question and then of course once they get more hush gothic basis moral foundation and they more they more see the bigger picture over time then a lot of these questions will be answered they leave the be answered or now you'll develop a context for the answer that's usually why people have questions is there seeing something out of context that's usually why person has a question if they understood a full context of something then they'd be able to fit this in so they see women's issues or homosexuality or whatever the case might be they see it out of context once they have the context then you can you can pop plug-in things fit things fit nicely together and that's we're trying to wait for them to have the context before getting controversial ok don't worry about finishing a module take your time as we said before go on tangents and I said some of the best sessions are those that totally don't even get you don't even know up with a book you don't even get to the topic at hand ok so that was my presentation give any questions won't lend up whatever questions you have they may not have covered ideas thoughts Nicky lights on again an internal site on English right so we have an internal blog that we're developing it should be done when the next couple of weeks which will have these materials the one of the learning materials it will have resources on the site as well I want oh I did want to show you what other thing thank you very good glad you asked I haven't asked the ask the rabbi site these are the things you can do a nice calm tremendous things they have life cycle Torah interpersonal issues all kinds God spirituality Mitzvah any question you have or your they're interested you can get me a rabbi probably the easiest way to do it there's also another website here called and we'll put all this information up on our box net there's a website called simple to remember anybody ever see simple to remember I set you disable to remember symbol to remembers is a great website and they have also tremendous article is there a creator in the world a rational approach to Torres divine origin for me video yes well but I these distribute topics will your grandchildren be Jews touching before intimate before marriage why do people hate the Jews different sects of Judaism intermarriage why not why don't you believe in Jesus difference between Judaism and Islam all these things are things which people are interested in will give you more understanding or fill up in fulfilling simple to remember mmm calm and I will put this on the website so you will get your email address please give me well I don't know but it's xicot effects like I sent one of my partners in its excellent as I had flexures my tats y excellence he was wrong and then you have and that's also helpful you get someone to see a hitter video of a rally cats or one of the great that's also can we represent heller can move them add so much or dot edu that's the that's the worst of math website it's also phenomenal or or net or dot edu and they have but i'm going to give them to you so don't worry about that's AOH r dot edu but they have you know God and rest god bless you sneeze in God's image God's appearance they have their own yesterday I and so in other words with these things you should have so much huh all right oh it's alright anytime yeah turn any time right they have anything you'd want so there's so much out there just to take a little bite size at a time believe me it's not rocket science the Jewish people are so so bright that really there are and you know you guys find there's no new questions under the Sun they really aren't it's amazing is that they you think of how am I getting new questions how you can answer it they're all people ask the same questions you know why because people are the same I have the same issues the same problems that's the size the same when they're living in so they all ask you the same general questions they have a little cage here and there on the question but it's like I don't remember the last time I heard a new question you know so once you get a little familiar and comfortable and again you don't your jobs not the answer all the questions your job is to befriend make a relationship and they hopefully will follow your more idealistic meaningful life and aspire to that that's really the goal be as good as you can be and then they will follow it's like build the field they will come build your own Mishkin asli Mick dodge Pacific Ocean County be so hot that's that's that's the idea yes that's feel oh so use that you take one of those recommended but so now I'm I my partner and we're on the phone that's right so is your like do I need a paragraph to shoot me the paragraph to read it beforehand we discuss it is i i i i i i mean i think you should read it together me know it depends when you picked two if it's a little longer you might have to read it on your own but i think it's better just to go through together but like you have to find that you know there really is no right or wrong there really is no right or wrong I just think you know sharing it together reading it together you little she reads a little it's probably better to do that but you'll see you'll see did it work if it didn't work with me try another method try reading it before you know but but I find that most people don't want to sit and read it before they don't have time a it's enough just to get to the phone you know where to get to the the thing and I think it just makes it nicer dynamic if you're both like kind of kind of revealing it together you know at the first second nice it's like a nice dynamic learning it together and that's what courses do write to you tell that's what people do they don't hoped i give a haru's is to learn together yeah the market called little mud rahmat yes very good little alum it is uh yeah the truth in matters into their stuff for the one wash buffer questions right the one in hot Java is no Harsha okay they just came out ok one moment they just came out and again it's in your local Jews bookstore now yeah yes I just I saw no middle of it it's it's the something project that'll be on our blog that'll be on the blog as well one of them be one of the homeish lectures because I recently saw its back in print it's updated actually and it's fun it's very good as a summary of the parsha and then it has three or four issues in more depth that's very very good very very good they were they were great out that they also have one in a book they did on Scott fake issues as well which was terrific I don't know I have to look it says on the book who but lu lu lu lu laa me was their their their title but that's back in front anybody else the other questions you ask yes it's on the top one of that one of the buttons on the top pastor a bike and I'm telling you look at this look at this look at this archive look at this look at this than that it's unbelievable look what's on here so I Tracy one every day we get this daily with you here okay look at this look at this look at this I traced it one one of those things Bar Mitzvah I traced it back yeah really really is super it's super if you get the daily lift it has like a thought for the day and as this what the date is ones you outside or something in history it gives you all the other part oh and there's a nice to archive that's the archive anybody else have any questions before we uh we break yes yes yes sense that it's like a little bit too official I might little bit fake that you're saying like just building relationship don't monkey gearboxes so could I know what did it say it again thank you saying push off me a controversial question but depth until this relationship that what are they when they're agreeing to do this they're signing up with you all right bye but you partner up there looking for learning well you'll see that if you did you see the learning no to just did you seek learning that's you see ok so the Torah is insightful and it's just but it's it's giving that it's sticking to things which are a little bit more where they will immediately see the relevance and not going to not go to things which are where they immediately see controversy that requires context right I'm just saying that if I to choose what Torah to give them I would give them in other words take the book by result Plissken love your neighbors ever see that yeah so you love your neighbor is the every midst of an automotive arrow and the Amish he put in there that's what that's been on my heveir oh that's a phenomenal thing to do because everything there has been automotive air it's it's it's very in a line with where we're not from Judah holding so you that's me that's real Torah but it's been on Lacavera so I would start with that before we get into the autumn loma' poem and philosophical thing they start but I'm a Herrera so I just think it opens them up is it oh yeah that makes sense that makes sense and this I always held that's the Torah Torah says that Taurus is that then once they see a credibility of the Torah and the ideas the Torah are deep and powerful and meaningful then then they'll open their minds to the things which they do understand they find controversial that that's what I'm coming from the guy yeah yes is it artificial to set up ok so I have a fun until about two years in the beginning we were just learning and I try to call her and friday once in a while taking chavez and it was stilted at first there's no question but as time progressed and then she had things going on with her family and I think through and you're so told that i will call her probably two three times a week now and only one of those sons of the glory out of the store and cheese and we won't know as both of that power philosophy comes into it but we had a friendship now I've never met this woman I've never seen a picture of her doesn't want to send me a picture she lives in cleveland ditch is older and ugly I can't get to Cleveland at are going to get here but we are real trooper she we were speaking at last Friday and what I will do and this makes a bigger picture I speak on the headset so I can do stuff while I'm on and Joel called in the middle of the thing in he said he was just in a little four car pileup everybody was okay we got to a whole discussion about what do you do if you can't make sure this what would he do if the call is in dreadful what would he do it was a whole discussion that never break come up and also if I pick up another poll she hears me say I can offer my grandma you have to say I'm all of my partner entire business a quick question otherwise I have to write back but she knows I don't regulate that you know I just get rid of the car that means think up we hope this is just from the extra calls you saw the land yeah I know I don't want to make it ten I'm you know I don't want I just want to see we're trying to when person is learning they think they're very straight that I'm this is my assignment is learning and I'm just saying that the assignment isn't learning the assignment is is to be McCarver and care of depends maca root in the corral this it depends on making a connection relationship yes that relationship has to go in a idealistic Torah dick way with mitzvahs and with learning but it is a relationship and that's what to schmooze shamas are connecting and that's what it is that really is what it is so you got to always can't lose sight that that's what's going on if you learn and you're not making that connection that's glad to help that's going to grow it cure will be limited that's all I don't know if this is the mission of what's going on here but I think it's deeper than that I think that our job in this tiny district living is to come closer with each other as Jews as a family so if they get from or not yet from my perspective I don't even think it really matters just the fact that we can get along with each other them and they'll reform whatever us and our Orthodox whatever I think I should will smile on that and be very happy with that whatever we accomplished we accomplished but it's really not in our hands anyways but if we just approach this with you know these are our brothers this is our family you know we love each other yeah I mean that's how did you strong I mean that's obvious I'll bring us together and we're talking for the ghoul all right but but that's so true it's totally true but obviously part of that no but you put your your thousand to right but but part of that you have to have that right to us being gathered but the ultimate of me caring for them is that they give them I give them eternity so you obviously well obviously want them to go a little further if you can become but your hummus i right that's that's and that curviest part of obvious row right that's really what it is wait you know huh they're so happy that we care of that yeah yeah but that but that will move that that will move them yeah now move it and you know some a lot of times you never know where it's going to go so a lot of times you know I've had this happen often the the the parents you know people it's complicated life you know and they didn't get we measure you wanted to go all of a sudden the kid goes off from it comes from right because now the sudden the parent has a different attitude towards yudish kite and even if it wasn't he they have an effect on somebody else and and we just don't know that my husband and I shams letra so again it's back to our goal as their status I go sauce but again you know we do seagate the relationship relationships anybody that has been I'll end on this anybody who's ever been McCarver and you know as a belch Eva knows that it was not the total class that did it it was the one or two people had slept them through that was there for them that they were the bend bias or the bus bias and and they helped them and work with the right that's it it's always everybody could point to their these one or two people my having a rabbi it might not have been a rabbi but it wasn't for them you know really being with me dated they adopted me as part of the family that's what brought everybody home and that's the idea in with Lori clinic that we're trying to collaborate on his women to women family to family it's the idea you know she the goal would be to be beautiful imagine every from jew in America adopted one a family and really was Mitaka with that really work with them I mean the whole the whole the whole world would change so we now ur own small way of trying to you know put our feet in the water on that on that process okay great yeah yes any suggestions on how to you know if you get far enough with people there are different ages and different situations you know how do you like my you know you know I mean I guess the idea so you try you know you try to make a connection and you try to find some commonality and just because someone's all three young as I mean you can can't work with them again as you said before sometimes we might you know feel this isn't a off is a up because obviously the closer in age and the more similarity okay but but but you'll see you try to make a comment work on the commonality and you you a meeting of the minds and sometimes it might be over the learning it might be just that you really sink on the learning part and that's going to override even though the difference is in background or whatever and I guess sometimes it is in the change it that it there is a up but I'm hoping that you know like these ladies know the women that went on their trip as an example so they're looking they're not just rant they're there they're trying to okay I think this woman would be good with this one I'm sure they didn't pick you just because you know you speak spanish right there's a winning this big Spanish okay so that's one area of commonality right it makes sense but so they're using a little bit of say a little bit say all right to try to do it but again I've often found a shim runs the world you gotta do a lot of Shaba tones and we used to we used to go crazy trying to get the right host for these kids the exact interested in this than that and we drove ourselves absolutely crazy and then there were seven times we just house thing being three four five six seven eight and I went thousand times better than when we went crazy because there's a Shem does run the world so you're doing your stylist to make sure the matches work I shovel do the rest and then we have to switch things around we'll do that too it's okay take you ladies thank you so much you