Keynote Kesher Nafshi 2026: Learning to Love & Respect Myself Is the Best Gift I Can Give My Child

[music] the yeshiva.net. >> I have found and I think many will concur. Maybe everybody will concur that sometimes the hardest person to forgive. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Of course, it's hard to forgive a perpetrator. It's difficult to forgive a person who's caused harm and pain even if it was inadvertent and by mistake. It's sometimes even hard to forgive even if it's hard to admit. Your own children, our own children. We may not admit it. We may not acknowledge it. But it's part of being human. Sometimes mothers and fathers experience so much pain from their children. The question is I'm not as justified or unjustified but the question is can I forgive them? And yet deeper than all of that is sometimes the difficulty to forgive yourself. It is so profoundly difficult that sometimes we don't even go there. Yeah, of course I forgive myself. I'm just motivated to do the right thing. But I want to ask you a question. If you don't forgive yourself for what happened to your child, if you blame yourself consciously or unconsciously. If I would have been more alert, if I would have been more present, if my husband wouldn't have been out for lunch, breakfast, and dinner, if I would have been regulated, if he would have been regulated, if we would listen, if we would be quiet, if we would monitor, if we would notice, if we would observe, if we would not pressure, important questions. And as a result of that, deep down, so many of us parents carry a very deep guilt. And maybe even deeper than guilt, shame and embarrassment. And it's very very deep. And then maybe so much of our work maybe even coming to Kasherni is more than it is forgive me about our child. It's about our guilt. which means the energy that I can actually be investing in building a relationship with my child, most of that energy is busy avoiding my own guilt and shame and it's all unconscious. So I'm going to ask you all at this moment to go inward. If you need to breathe, you could breathe. It's a good idea. Everybody knows what breathing is. Okay. Hallelujah. And forgive yourself. Try to forgive yourself. I don't know anybody in this room who woke up one morning and said, "You know what? My goal in life is to destroy as many of my children as possible. My real happiness would be if they have the most miserable school experience, community experience, home experience. Even those of us who are out for lunch, have been offline, shut down, fight, flight, freeze, fawn, amygdala, limbic, whatever it is, internet down, trauma, 3,000 years, 2,000 years, 491 expulsions. So, my amygdala has grown on steroids. My prefrontal has been out of the equation for 1,900 years. Danger, no danger, danger, no danger. Shut down. Shut down. Shut down. Disassociation. Freeze. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. I'll go to a no problem. Don't ask me for my harder presence. Even those of us who fit that bill mahadin mahadin and like hill I don't think anybody here of the nation of raman woke up got married and said let's try to really create a dysfunctional home that would be an amazing idea where there's no attachment there's no connection screens instead of love, vacation instead of presence, religion instead of godliness, rituals instead of vibrancy. I don't think anybody consciously did that. Even if many of us live that way and some of us are still struggling with this and therefore I say to you it's time to start trusting that you could forgive yourself. Your children will not be neglected by having mothers and fathers who forgive themselves. Your children will actually have mothers and fathers who are more alive, more present, more loving, more interesting, more charismatic, more vivacious, more vibrant, and more present. I could use another few adjectives, but you get the point. So that's what I want to suggest to you right now. I'm going to pause for 60 seconds and I'm going to ask you all to do something that's very, very hard. Forgiving your children is a big one, but it's even harder. Forgiving yourself. Can all of us, all of us, fathers and mothers, we've made mistakes. We acknowledge our mistakes. Nobody's perfect. Some of us made big mistakes. Some of us have been blindfolded for many years. And by the way, some people even after Kesha navi go home with blindfolds because the fear of removing blindfolds is sometimes so deep and confronting pain is so profound that it's sometimes easier to be dead than alive. At least I don't feel I get it. So let's take a few seconds for what they call a moment of silence. But this is not a moment of silence. It's a moment of forgiveness. Try to lean into your heart and say beyond my shame and guilt and my mistakes and frozenness and trauma and issues and problems which many of our spouses can explain to us very well all of our problems. If your spouse can't go to your mother-in-law, if your [snorts] mother-in-law can't go to your therapist, somebody will explain it to you. Chad GBT will not give you honest feedback. Forget about that. They will tell you exactly what you want to hear and how charming you are. But uh your mother-in-law will give you more honest feedback. We know we know all those mistakes. We know it. And now can you really touch that beautiful heart, that innocent heart who really wants to see our children happy? You wanted to always see your children happy. You even want to see yourself happy and your spouse happy and the whole world happy. That's what we pray for. Let's forgive ourselves. And we can only forgive ourselves if we have real trust. We need to be able to trust. It's a privilege to trust. Can we tell our nervous systems, you're a lot of trust? and to build that little trust and that little forgiveness. Allow me to the master and teacher of trust was David Hamelik who had a difficult life. And if you think you don't have nas, learn about David's nakas, okay? I mean, just a shalom could have killed all of us. But he lived with so much trust. And we say and that trust never ends throughout. It's somatic trust. Somatic. It's not intellectual. It's somatic. He trusts. It's trust that allows us to forgive our children, to forgive ourselves, even as we hold the pain of mistakes that we made and we make and things that are not resolved. Oh yo, you know I yo I You know king of me will see. Ve you am. So this morning was early in the morning and I came to get a coffee. It was pretty empty around here late late late night. And as I went to get some milk in the tea room, somebody was standing there and she said, "Oh, I get to see you." And within seconds, there was a story that was heart-wrenching. And when she finished, I told her, "You gave me my speech this morning." So, I'm sorry. This afternoon, actually, or we almost midnight already. When is the next skit? The next skit is at home. [laughter] Just imagine it's all a skit. That's what it is. It's a skit. >> [applause] >> The truth is Gansai Lamaza is a lang skit. That's the real truth. That's the truth. The medish calls it a kiga. A long circus. It's a long circus. It's a skit. And everybody plays their part. And if you don't take yourself too seriously, you're doing very, very well. And if you could be a hero instead of a villain, at the end there'll be more Gishmak. [laughter] So, but everybody will take a bow at the end. So not sharing all the details, a child, a beautiful young man fell in love with a non-Jewish young woman. But that non-Jewish young woman is not really a woman. That non-Jewish young woman is a man who went through the transgender dynamic. They have a good relationship, but he's demanding that they bring his girlfriend, cuz she declares herself as a girl today, or he declares himself as a girl today, home. She said, "I I have a problem. My 15year-old was once in a store with me, and she saw a transgender fellow, a man who turned himself into a female. And without knowing anything, she became so nauseous that when she came home, she almost had to vomit from disgust. It was extremely difficult for her emotionally. So she says, "How can I? He wants me to bring his friend home. It's obvious what happened. My 15-year-old lives at home." So I say, "Why are you asking me? Why you asking me? Because my husband feels that we need to be here for this boy. We need to save him. We need to be here for him and we have to do what he wants. And he's telling this to me and I'm not sure. So I needed to ask. So I wanted to ask you. So I said, "Listen, I'm not an expert." And I uh suggested somebody she should actually speak to who knows very much this suga. You'll guess his name. What happens at Kashanavi stays a kashavi. So whatever I was once giving a speech somebody I told a story about somebody somebody without names. Who was it? I'll give you a hint. Starts with an R. Okay, figure it out. Whatever. But I said, just using my common sense, you have a son who you love. He's 30, but you have a 15year-old. Your 15year-old is your 15year-old. You can endanger and make one child sick for another child. She says, "Okay, but what happens if there's a few days that my 15-year-old is away from the house and she's not going to know? Oh, she's not going to be home. I said, "Okay, that's a different story. She's not going to be there. She won't be affected." So, she looks at me and she says, "But I'm going to be crazy. I will become crazy nauseous and I will become sick." I'm like, "You also have a 15year-old inside of you. You're also a 15year-old. You know, you also have a life. You also have a heart." She's looking at me. So, I'm like, "Whoa." I'm like, "Yeah, you need to live." I said, "What about your husband?" She says, "He's fine." Says, "I have a great idea. Your husband books a vacation with those two to the Bahamas for 4 days. [applause] You take those four days, you take your 15year-old, you book a second vacation. She looks at me. I'm like, I just arranged two vacations for your family. Your husband goes with two guys or whatever you want to call them. Your wife, your daughter goes with her mother. I said, the only thing only question is, do you have a credit card? She said it'll have to go the same bill like all the other bills on the same credit card. I said, "Send us pictures." I didn't say that. As I listened to the question, as I listened to the question, something dawned at me and I feel it's a theme important to say goodbye with even though we never really say goodbye. The Gmorra says in it's a very fascinating question. and two people are stranded in a desert and they only have one barrel of water. The other person didn't come with water or their water is finished. Now their cell phones are dead so there's nobody to call. That's important even though Rashi doesn't say that. So one guy has a bottle of water, the other one doesn't. And here's the question. If I share the water with my friend 50/50, we both die. If I give him the water, I die. If I drink the water, it's my water. He dies. What's the It's an argument. Of course, everything is an argument. Ben says, "You cannot drink and let the other person die. Share the water. Don't watch another Jew die. But we're both going to die just a few hours later. Better than watching a Jew die." This remained said and said no. The says in your brother shall live with you. If you're not alive, it's not going to work. Your white life comes first. So says, you can hold on to the barrel of water without guilt, without shame. You're not evil. Even if tragically, the other person will perish. Of course, we hope that we'll find a well. We hope that we'll be able to reach something. But even if not, asks the first student of the he asks a question. He says, "Everywhere in Garwood, there's an argument." [clears throat] Here it says benatur says share the water until came. Why? And the kadushim says this open your hearts. He says none of the sages felt [snorts] the right to argue with Benetura. Nobody can argue with him. You know why? They thought he was wrong. But their conscience, their Jewish soul didn't let them argue with them. Benetura seemed so yiddish. Aid. You're going to WATCH ANOTHER JEW DIE IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES. SUCH SADISM. What are we European coldblooded apathetic people? You can't do that. At least share the water. You die together. You call together. How could they argue with Benetura? People who argued with him. What would they say? You're not arguing with Benura. You're here to protect your own skin. you're narcissistic. Remember the tanoyim had to always think about one thing. What does God want, not what I want? And anyone who argued with felt maybe there's a confirmation bias. MAYBE IT'S MY SURVIVAL TEMPLATE WHO'S TELLING ME AND IT'S not based on authenticity. It sounds a little selfish and not Jewish and nobody can argue with him. Till came nobody could suspect. You know why? Because when he was killed, he told his students, "My whole life I was waiting for." Hashem didn't want I have TO LIVE HERE NOW. GOD wants to take me. I shouldn't do it with joy. And when said nobody could say, "Oh, he's protecting his survival template." Rabbiaka is in his amygdala. Rabbi is coping mechanism. Rabbi is busy looking after himself. I'm not giving up my life for somebody else. I come first. My therapist told me my needs come first. My me me. iPhone, iPod, iPad. And even when there's a game called we, it's spelled with two I's. I was the only one when he came and said, everybody knew this is not a copout. It's not it's where was saying is you have to understand there's no way of giving love. If there's no container, if there's no giver, if there's no everything falls apart. The same God who said, WHOA SAID, GOD SAYS, "Of course, I want you to love somebody else." But who's going to love if I don't exist? if I'm not here. And maybe perhaps it's even deeper. And this I heard from a good friend. He said, "Maybe if I'm giving the water to somebody else, I may be giving them water, but maybe I'm killing their soul because what am I teaching this person? What am I teaching this person? I don't come first." which means good people never come first. Learn from me and make sure you never come first. Forgive my bluntness. But part of our deep Jewish survival has been you're now allowed TO COME FIRST. IT'S PES. WHAT ARE YOU SITTING ON THE COUCH HAVING A COFFEE? IT'S PES. IT'S PURIM. IT'S WHO GAVE YOU A RIGHT TO SIT ON THE COUCH AND have a coffee. You're reading a magazine. There's 11 kids who don't have a mother cuz you're on a couch reading a coffee. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. My prefrontal shuts down. Don't worry. I'm not talking here about going to a therapist and a therapist saying do a little yoga, do a little Pilates, do exercise, good nutrition, sleep. Yes, I'm talking on a much deeper level. On a much deeper level. There's no way I can give a $100 to my child if I don't have $100. I can be the greatest magician in the world and I can have the biggest heart in the world if I don't have $100 in my wallet or bank account. All the love in the world cannot allow me to give $100 to my child. So now I want to ask you a question. With $100, everybody knows that if you don't own it, you can't give it. WHY DOES ANYBODY think that I can give love to my child if I don't have love? If I never experience love? Why does anybody think I can give a heart to a child if my heart has been shut down 53 years ago and not to be opened? Why does anybody think I can give presents to a child if I don't have it? With money, it's clear. You think with emotions which are infinite, it's any less. Everybody knows that the greatest gift anybody can give their child is not money. Money is nice. Gifts are nice, but what's the greatest gift I can give my child? You can give your child. You can give your child presence, yourself, your heart. It's not words. It's an energetic communication. A mother once told me, "I stay in the kitchen all night and cook the most delicious food standing by the stove so I don't have to be with my children and I could tell myself I'm preparing the best food for them." What an insight. I was like, "Wow, you got it. You just nailed it. You just nailed it." Sometimes it's easier to stand 3 hours and make the most healthy food that includes kale and quinoa kougal without cholesterol. The most delicious, delicious food. You even squeeze your own green juice and celery juice and mango juice so they have no toxins in their body as long as I don't have to sit and look you in your eyes and remain regulated. Because the moment I look at you, it's like, "OMG, oh my god, you trigger my worst fears inside of myself. But my kid doesn't need anything more than my heart, my present. Not my brain, not my speeches. [snorts] I don't talk at home. I'm smart. Not my brain, not my They need my heart. They need your heart. Our hearts. But I have a question. How can I give my child me if I don't have a me? If I never had a Mi, if I'm embarrassed with my Mi, if I think my Mi is evil, if I think my eye is filled with shame, unconsciously, nobody wakes up in the morning and says, "Besides, why? Why Jacob? I am evil." It's these are deep unconscious messages that some of us relate to, but our children feel them. How can I give a self that doesn't exist or a self that's worse? Not only that doesn't exist, it thinks it's despicable. That's what I'm giving my child. So says because your child more than water needs to learn from a parent what it means to have a real self that they can value. So if you're guilty, two children in a psych word ward, a child who's struggling with this relationship, a child who's addicted to X, Y, or Z, I have the now of talking about myself, friends, holy brothers. Remember this from everything we give our children there is no substitute for soulful joyful presence regulated internal presence. If I never learned how to do that internally everything I give them forgive me will be superficial. I don't speak from an intellectual space. I speak from a lot of experience. Rabbi Russell can testify. I tried many years to live life with my brain. It brought me places. The only places it didn't bring me was it created a disastrous marriage and disastrous relationship with my kids. In terms of career-wise, brain much better. Shut the heart. Send it to the basakarus. Put on the brain. move. It's called artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence. [applause] I once went to London to Madame, what is it called that wax? Madame Tusay to wax museum like a Valdic. SO SUDDENLY I SEE, WOW, CHURCHILL. I ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK TO CHURCHILL. I HAVE TREMENDOUS ADMIRATION FOR CHURCHILL. ROOSEVELT. I always had issues with Roosevelt. I even had a teacher, little absent-minded professor and a genius. And he was also a chain smoker in the good old days where smoking was a mitzvah. And somebody took him to the museum and Churchill was holding a cigar. And this teacher wanted to smoke a cigarette. So he goes over to Churchill. Husta match. Husta match. And then I realized, wow, this is true about many of our lives. Wax museums, wax, I look perfect. I say everything right. Everything is perfect. There's only one problem. It's called lifeless. And the ones who suffer from that are our spouses and our children most. And people who give us honest feedback. Not everybody gives us honest feedback. Some people just want to say nice things. Your children somehow don't have that issue. >> [laughter] >> whatever for whatever reason I don't know they did not get the memo they did not get the memo so dearest brothers and sisters we're all family here gave us a profound lesson not because he didn't know what love was because he knew what love is he is the one we quote He knew what love is. And he said, "You want to give your children what they need, presence, eyes, ears, soul, heart, regulation, an internal openness. You can never fake that. I can't substitute it. I can't do it through speeches. I can't do it through a good vart. I can't do it through a brilliant vtora. I can't even do it through an amazing pesak program. I tried. You can't. There's only one way and that is it's called open heart surgery. It's called facing our pain. It's called dealing with stuff some of us never dealt with. Not by our fault. We tried our best. In fact, we did this. We shut down to help ourselves and we think we're helping our kids that way. Rabi Aka said, "Don't give them the water. Drink the water yourself. And you know what your child is going to see? My mother IS DRINKING WATER. WHAT A NARCISSISTIC personality disorder. Got to call Sherman Russell. Is my mother diagnosable with narcissistic personality disorder? I went into the kitchen 1:00 in THE MORNING. AND INSTEAD of her being miserable and in fear and like mal, can I get you sushi? Yeah, there's sushi in Lakewood. So we'll go an hour and 45 minutes 3:00 in THE MORNING. AND INSTEAD OF MY MOTHER BEING THAT SELFLESS MALIK MALIK MALIK MALIKO, my mother was actually enjoying life. She was drinking her KETO IN SHAYIM ICED coffee latte not with sugar, a little splendor, healthy mamish agaldic and eating a sugarless muffin. A sugarless muffin. AND IT WAS ACTUALLY SHE was at my mother's calm. Oh wow. What is this? Borderline narcissism maybe schizophrenia. Yesterday she was anxious and was like I I CAN'T DO THIS. I CAN'T DO THIS. MY SISTER MY DAUGHTER IS DYING. I SHOULD DIE. LET'S DIE TOGETHER. Soaka said if you sit on the couch and smile and you drink the water and you actually talk to yourself. We heard Hashem speaks to himself that's why I also talk to myself constantly and the truth is and if I listen to what I say you talk to yourself this is a delicious drink h and you know what you just taught your daughter you gave her a gift much greater than any drink you would have given her you taught her to value herself you taught her to respect herself You taught her that her emotions matter. You didn't teach it through a lecture. You taught it. And it's even true for us heroic, selfless fathers. Is not about narcissism. is true selfrespect of an I'm respecting the ani and the ayen that God is channeling through me so I can give you the greatest gift that I have which is the divine energy Hashem is choosing to flow through me right here right now. Forgive yourself. Love yourself and in all the chaos, take care of yourself. Enjoy the skit. Thank you. [applause] This class is [music] brought to you by the yeshiva.net. Please help us continue the classes. [music] Make even a small contribution at ww.theshiva.net/donate.