Where is Hashem in my Journey ?

have this to be able to be present in such a mimish with so many parents came out of their comfort zone to come to such a shabaton. We know it's not easy. By the way, the badge is a good idea to wear. People need it. Be able to communicate. And also with this new thing as first time attending really helps. So important if you can wear the badges, it would help everybody including yourself. It's extremely important to understand that we the people putting together the shabaton have thought many times about the sensitivity of every person and I have to thank the team in London and Huffman and all the women's teams especially the teams from America that work 24 hours a day tirelessly to answer the calls and make sure the processing of everything should work out. And the thanks to the videographer and the the music and everybody else and the team that helps that's helping you all the came to help and thank you for the translator. [applause] It's the first time we have it translated that's willing to translate from English to Yiddish Yiddish to English the same person the same time. So initially the topic was supposed to be seeing Hashem in our journey but being that I'm meeting with parents over the last 11 years and in the last couple of weeks I've had this to meet many parents and on one of the occasions more than one of the occasions I said where is Hashem? So I had a thought yesterday when they were talking about the black box backs. If you remember the black box backs where and talk about the regular backs that you come here with that box backs and you have to put everything into that box of the regular and then you take a hammer and some nails and you nail in that box and you wrap it up and you put in the safe in the room. And now we're going to be talking about the new backs about crisis which basically means we're not giving up regular just to clarify to go away from but the shabas over here is about the crisis situation that we are all in to be able to help our child and if the regular pops up which will always do throughout the time then it's going to hurt us from understanding what we really need to do and how to conduct ourselves with the child is struggling. So this morning a thought came to my mind when I asked where is Hashem and we're hearing douches. coming here for Shabas this beautiful Jewish prepared with the top top speakers and somehow we find ourselves by Monday completely deflated completely feeling again where is Hashem so I said to myself so what's really holding us back you have all these and all these duch and all these medush and all these beautiful Titus and and proofs and mishum and we don't get anywhere so what's really happening is which is I have experienced over the last 11 years speaking to parents and including myself. The reason I believe Rabasel is present in our in our Shabbat tones is because I personally listen to um when I started out which is speeches they did not give to parents. It was speeches that they gave to actually and was probably some other places but not geared for kids at risk for them to parents. It was good for Torah Misora and other places like that to understand struggling children and I realized that that resonates with myself. So I said to myself, so we have now a different black box. It's called our inner child. Our inner child gets awakened when we experience this trauma of these children and we start listening to we start hearing things. So besides the shame, the yiddish shame, the yiddisha guilt that we are facing on a daily basis, what does the neighbor say? The the friends, the theim, we have our inner child propping up and is really hurting us saying, you know, we also went through trauma, we didn't go off, so how come they can't? And that's going to keep on popping up. So not that we should give up that inner child but somehow embrace that inner child which I mean to say listen from a different way. Say to the child listen these people are talking to you. You finally have somebody that understands you. of Shimul spoke to a Shabas in Yiddish in the Yiddish speaking Shabas that's why is before Yiddish English and he spoke for two and a half hours in English to people from Kil and from Mia from Williamsburg and in the morning on Friday morning and I'm sure he shared it with you yesterday I don't know if it came up this the speech altered see the comes over to him and he said yesterday I started crying and I'm standing there listening to him speaking to and says why did I say something wrong he said no the whole douch I'm trying to concentrate and trying to figure out what you're saying because English is not my first language and I realized this is how my child felt all the years So us as parents have to realize that while we are dealing with our own children, while we are dealing with our pain for our children, these are things that come up in us. They come up in our pain. They come up in our struggles. And then so what ends up happening? We start blaming and we start thinking that where is Hashem? So I had the opportunity a couple weeks ago to meet with a parent and he said it's too painful and he said to me where is Hashem in all this? I cried along with him. I understood where he's coming from. He has a small family and in his way of his picture of how he felt his family should look all the boys and all the girls should have the same crowd the gapas and the same outfits and they should all look beautiful on the wall as we all would want it to look and it doesn't look the way he would like it to look. So my question to him was that who sent you here? I don't advertise. I don't put anything out there and you're here. So obviously, Hashem sent you here. Hashem is here. We can see Hashem and everything. And it's important for us to want to see Hashem in everything that we do. You know, when I started out, it wasn't easy. We didn't have a we didn't have Yes. I had this to go to Kran. He gave us my wife and myself and we got a lot of from there and he gave us tips and ideas of how to deal with it with our children. And after doing it for three years, I realized that we don't have any stars in our own personal bucket because there's nobody giving us. And that's why we created the Shabbasum to give us. But me listening to all the that he said, I realized that this is what actually everybody has to hear. And so far to impact thousands and thousands of families and different different areas. So where do we go from here? If we can basically realize that we are here for a purpose. Everybody that came for Shabas which I mamish appreciate that you came I know how hard it is when I started out my wife and myself started out wasn't easy came to a group meeting and unfortunately or fortunately we met a lot of people that we knew from before one of my old guilds I was a distributor for a company called Herbal Life. Have anybody heard of them? So when I walked in there, I said, "There must have been something in their diet program that all the people's kids are going off of there." So I said, "What's going on here?" But I said to myself, what is it? It's extremely painful. So a hand to everybody here today. Give yourself a hand for having the courage to come and to be part of this shabas. [applause] So what what I'm thinking is a Zoy. I'm going to give you a couple of stories of things that I shared with people over the years that gave me and the way I think and the way I live. Number one, I took my experience and right away started helping other people. So when you walk away from the Shabas, not that you should become a uh person that's running around talking to everybody, but ask people in this audience that actually reached out to people to come for Shabas. When you see and hear a friend that's in this para, just share with them to give them to to be there, be a listening ear. You know, I when I started out, I called a friend of mine. I told him about it and it took two or three years till I finally brought him on board. But it's something that everybody here can do. Everybody can take their pain and do something with it. Turn around your pain to help others. It's something that everybody can do. You can use your new awareness of what we spoke about before. Back to the black box. Every time when you push back but but start thinking, is it your inner child that's coming to you and saying to you, you went through something similar? something whatever that trauma was a car crash bullying or anything else that is similar to it and you didn't offer you didn't react the way it's reacting so why can't they tell or see so that's really the question we always have that so basically let's break it down you have the where is Hashem you have the kaik of the shame and the guilt that we all feel it's not going to go away so easy. And then you have the that you that you feel that your inner child is pushing back that why can't they sue and then you have on top of that where is Hashem? So the way I look at it and the way I summed it up for myself was that actually we can take this whole journey into a healing journey for ourselves as well. If we go out there and take this experience every single time when we hear over the shabas say to yourself how does it help me what is it here that I can use for myself what would I want you know when you do meditation when you listen I don't do it but but when I listen to hear other different um speeches and heard sometimes why I do meditation especially during co other ones it's basically how you're relating to yourself. How do you relate to your inner child and to embrace that and to hold the child? We could actually grow from a shabas like this. So instead of thinking a whole shabas, so I'm going to use this tool for my child, I'm use that tool for my child, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that. In my experience, all the years that I'm doing this, anytime I tried doing something for a matra that I'm going to do this, this is going to be the outcome. It never worked. Never worked. So by trying it to do it for the other child for somebody else shared with me a good thing yesterday. He said he met with a very person and that person said to him very clearly an affluent person of a person a person that's not a young person that's dealing with a child that's not young child that's struggling from around 20 years and now he's coming to this professional of Shimul and he wants all his answers so he's going to come to him he's going to say to him give him the secret source as They say, "Give me the secret recipe." And he asked, "Can I ask you a question? Did it ever occur to you?" That this whole process of working with these children or with this child, it's not about the child, it's about us. And this fit right into what I want to talk about. It's about us. We're going to be sitting here a whole day, whole shabas thinking of how we going to do things to change our child and a lot of times it's not going to work. But what I've gained and what we are gaining and everybody that's here in this room will mem gain at the end of the shabas I'm not talking about weight is that we will gain a new clarity about ourselves. you will gain a new clarity of what is really pushing us back. What's pushing up in the backs the whole time that why it keeps on propping up and why are we in pain and what's hurting us and what's bothering us because that keeps on coming back. And if we can actually take this experience and grow from it, we can grow. I once had a consultation with Mashita when I started out and we spoke about I'm the oldest of the family. I had my issues with learning. Um I started learning actually 41 years ago here in London um by Damita. I didn't know a Mishna Ablad Gimmura came to London in 1985 and I'm very grateful. I actually spoke two days ago in a small yeshiva with 13 boys. um I think and I started talking about my experience because I wanted to relate to the boys that are struggling and I said I was one of you guys. I came here as a little 14 year old and dump we had a small class I think 11 boys and he basically helped me to where I am right now and he said is my he learns with him every day this so I shared with him this is my experience starting off over here so basically everybody here could take these experiences. Take these experiences, grow from the experiences and it can be galdic. The whole your whole life will change if you can actually identify and work with where you are and where you want to be. It's not about your children. And I could tell you from experience, your children will grow from it. You will grow from it. You will be mik if [clears throat] you do it that way. And I'll give you a couple of ideas of concepts of things that I I've seen and I spokeen to parents here a couple years ago without mentioning names or people or and I sat one night I came here a couple years ago was emergency appointment sat down with a couple and everything is they came they sat with me for a few hours with family members going through a pure of children of child that's in the system that's that's from everything is going on everything is fine and took me two and a half hour conversation the father met me the other day he said to me I want to thank you met with me a couple years ago I want to thank you basically this child today is married successful not exactly the way we wanted our picture on the wall to look. But I can guarantee you that if the parents wouldn't grow from this experience and they wouldn't be able to hold this child when the child was going through this struggle, the picture would not look the way it is because when I spoke to the parents, I thought maybe the offer maybe they're wearing pants sorry trousers without that and Bashem she's wearing a She's from she's like I said maybe not exactly how we picture it should look but this is the experience that we have. It's unbelievable when we ourselves work on ourselves that we can change and we can change the trajectory where it's going to be in a couple of years from now. How do we do it? We breathe. We take our time for ourselves. We're going to be so busy with this one child. Number one, we're not going to pay attention to other children. And I know many of you are here the first time and many of you are mamishnu in the pasha. You know when we started out it was only parents that children would be we call stage four out of the system or six out of the six mentioned yesterday and basically it sounded hopeless. We have this and especially thank you zasun again over here that we are bringing in parents here that the children are leic they're still wearing the lavush but inikash so as they say the lights are on there's nobody home they've been broken by the system they've been broken by learning trauma by by other things by bullying and everything else etc which they're still wearing the lavush and it looks to everybody as they assh pleasure paradigm they're having fun with their friends looks like it to us. But inside it's those parents that are here today have an opportunity to become the parents to become parents that will be there for their child and be able to embrace that child where they are to be able to even that child and we will there's no question to me that that's what's going to happen. Shal is when I once heard that the check didn't clear. It will eventually clear the is when. But how do we do it? We take our time for ourselves. We're proactive in the mahalak. And and I always say it like this. You have a couple. I never meet without a couple. Basically, I try not to. And why is it so important to meet as a couple? if one of the two of them can't do the work and it's important because I I had it many times and and people it causes sometimes shias issues as well and I want to take that away from you let's say a husband and wife she's not a proactive person she can't run out and go and do things she doesn't drive a car she doesn't go to restaurants she can't go definitely bowling could be definitely not to a theater um certain things she can't she can't do it. So she will always feel that she's not really a partner in this avoid of helping save this boy. Let's use a boy for example. It's not true. When this child comes home at night and you have fresh chocolate chip cookies or if you have something freshly made for the person or more important us men sometimes like to talk and not listen. we have a hard time listening and women can listen and this boy can open up to his mother and be able to share with his mother something that he couldn't share with his father especially sometimes the father is a type of personality and before that he was basically got a washdown for for whatever he did so why would he tell his father what he did so the wife the mother has a very important role in this mahalik So many of you are saying I'm not going to be able to do what's what they're talking about here in Kashi. It's not true. Now we have sometimes the other way around. There are women that are able to go shopping and do things with the child. They go to a spa with a child and and do things with the child. And by the way, while you're doing that, take care of yourself as well. Uh whatever they offer the spa or whatever you can take care of. Sometimes we can actually enjoy this journey if we try to experience it as a as a as a good journey. I'll give you an example of a story that happened to us personally. It was one winter that was it's called win midwinter vacation and my daughter Zangtak was able to get a free um one of these Airbnbs in Orlando, Florida and she flew down with her kids. My wife myself felt that she would need the help for us to go there and be there with her. And I picked myself up on a Wednesday. We flew down there. Took a long stuff to cook for Shabas and Beck and everything else. And I'm saying to my wife, I'm middle of working. I'm managing a company. I'm sitting in the pool with two little a whole Friday and playing there. Says, "Hashem has a good sense of humor. Where would that ever happen? But if we don't want to enjoy the ride, we will never get to enjoy the moment. That's why it's called the present. Be in the present. And it's a presence from Hashem. We have to see it. We Hamish Mameish have to see every single time that when Hashem is there for us, it's very hard sometimes to see it. You know, we just had a journey flying out from New York to Prague, from Prague to here. How many how many uh airplanes were delayed? How many airplanes were cancelled the night before? Friday night. My flight was the the flight same flight was canceled Friday night. A flight left on time. You start seeing Hashem and everything Allah issues Allah problems mid. It didn't change. It didn't have to change. But look at the good and everything that we have. We learned. We put on a new set of glasses. See everything for the good. One of my children got married. The new style today with getting married is after 11:30, I don't know what time it's in London, they start dancing this music with the DJ club. So I had family members that were never sitting there because they have to be there for the mitzvah. I would have sent them home. Didn't have the guts. But they're sitting there and the lights go off and his friend was a had a company with his lighting that everything starts blitching and the whole room looks like a different room with the lights is dancing together with the music and it's all synced and they're singing but they're dancing like like let's call it. So look at the difference between way I looked at it and the way he looked at it. I said without saying a name and think about item what's the difference these days the t was want to be part of. They want to be part of what Hashem wants. They're singing to the divine. They can't do it right now, but they will do item. So, this is what we need to do. It reminds me of a story a couple of years ago. We made and my mist decided to invite my daughter with her um this acquaintance and we were not very happy about it for Shabas and she invited to stay in their home in home. We were not very excited about it. What is my going to say? What is my parents going to say? What are the makunam going to say? What are the broaden laws going to say? So we could do this for a lot of years and we still have shame. We still have guilt. We still feel like the world is not does is not kind to you. We could still say where is Hashem? And came for the and I'm like what do I need this for? It's enough that he came to the wedding stuck out like a thre and was there the whole kasa couldn't even hire him a very high tall person not exactly what he envisioned our is going to look like and uh he says he's only coming to say malv but I guess still looked very exciting stayed till after the mitzvah and now she invited him for shamas so was is in America and I called it up and I says what do I do? So he said first of all you have to tell your parents they cannot show up there Friday night and he's there and they're feeling like what do we need us for? So for sure you have to let them know also for sure to tell your child that her spouse her person her friend is not invited. Okay it's very very very important that she be there. And he explained to me at the time, I don't know if she's not, but this definitely could put a person into knowing you're unwanted and you're not welcomed into such a shabatone of the sabas. But then he said something very profound which I want to share with you. He said to me and that gave me Shabas. He said, "We get praised for the work we do." And he said, "I'm afraid had I not have these ninness, I would be a very arrogant and judgmental person." He said, "Take this as a gift from Hashem that when you have these challenges, you yourself get an opportunity to change and not to judge others." It was unbelievable. Gave me Shabas. I was not upset. I was not ashamed. I was not angry. I was not nothing. I called my parents. I said, "Mommy, I'm sorry, but and she said, well, it has to be that way." I said, "Mommy, I'll be honest with you. If you feel you can't come for Shabas, I will understand you." It wasn't easy to say it, but she accepted it. She actually came a few times to Shabas as a grandparent and she understands. But listen to this. M Shabas after of daughter says wife myself the fact that you accepted him was the biggest kesh Hashem. This is what we go through. This is what we have to go through. But this is what going to bring us to where we need to be at an hour of I have this want to switch a little bit to help others to be there with them. They give them let me see how long I have go a minute. So I want to share with you. I once called during co and I asked him a help here so many at that time there were people dying every day more and more. He said you also hear from people we also see good things in ourselves. We see good things with other children. We see good things in life and we have to identify and see them and I had the to meet with parents all the time. Not always do I get a phone call that there was a change that a child got married. Not always do I get a phone call saying that because of cash because of one phone call one meeting that I had we had this to change things but we do have that. And I'm going to share a few stories with you and some some positive things that I that I've seen over the last couple of weeks couple of months. So Bashem I had this to get a text message from somebody. So maybe read it maybe not. Person said to me like this. My son at that time we understood that he has a gaisha girlfriend. We were advised or ill advised to cut off all our contacts with our son as long as he has a guy girlfriend. We came to Ashi and the person comes many times and somehow Rabita ended up on his table and that he has to embrace his child in his home which is the only way to get your child to be part of your family and be part of Mameish. He didn't give up. You know, if you know Schwarz, he doesn't give up when he gets onto something. And he did that. That caused Bashem that this whatever you want to call him, ended up getting rid of her. Fast forward, this person sends me an invitation a few weeks ago that he's getting married. Who is he getting married to? So he the ro of the shul filled me in last week on the story in the middle. The ro of the shul invited this boy to be his gaba for the day. He said trust me I didn't need to need a gaba that day. I didn't need to go to anywhere. He took him to fly out somewhere else in the United States. He said I did what I had to do for the day. And then I said to him, you know, let's go air out a little bit in the mountains. let's go to a park took him to secluded area and he started speaking to this boy and when he spoke to him he said I see that you have a lot on your mind would you mind sharing they saw somebody's listening to them he opened up and shared all this pain came out everything that he had on his mind for so many years felt un not understood came out that's where the healing started That's why I'm saying to you, listen to your children. A lot of times that's the best you can do as healing is listening to them. All that came out when he came back to Baltimore. He said to the roof raita, "The Reb doesn't need gab. Why are you paying gab? Whenever you need a gaba, call me. I'll take you for free." The roof. A couple of months later, a year later, whenever this boy became from Davening, learning suggested, you're older. I have a older girl that's lonely, a basakov girl. It could still happen. A bakov girl that is lonely. Maybe the two of you should speak on the phone. Don't you shouldn't meet just on the phone. Be a listening ear for her. Now, for him, this was the greatest thing because the first time he can open himself up because it's not somebody he's going to ever marry. It's not somebody he's ever going to have a relationship with. He's just talking to her. And on the other hand, she felt the same way. So, she opened up her struggles. He opened up his struggles. And eventually, they called the says, "I have a feeling for her. Is is there any way you can arrange that I meet with her?" Cuz he was holding to his deal. And as they say, the rest is history. I was at that last week. Yeah. So that's one story. I want to share with you another story and and there's a meaning behind this other story. And I want to share with you what I shared with the book last yesterday and what I shared not yesterday, two days ago. And what I shared also have a story a couple weeks ago when I spoke Friday night for the I heard this firsthand from somebody who knows the story with saying this story because we have many of us the they they're still with the Levish and they're still part of it. with saw on the side of the road somebody stuck with a flat tire and even though he's not a mechanic and even though he's not a part of I know I I walked into a a mind when I said somebody was from a different place anyway so I didn't know in London organizations So get the organization and he decided to help this person inside the road of the goodness of his heart and he tried helping you know every car today the the tire is in a different place and until he found it until he changed a tire and he helped this person over half an hour the person took out $1,000 and said I want to give you this $1,000 house. So he says, "I'm not taking any money. I did a mitzvah. I want to help somebody." And by the way, these children, the most sensitive children, and I would always trust them to help somebody. And he insisted on giving him this $1,000. He says, "I I take a $100, you know, episcan the guilt." So at first he's he made it sound like he wants to give him the $100, and then he said, "No, no, no. I'm giving you the $1,000, but let me share with you why. He said, I have a child that's not from and I want you to d for him. So, I'm going to give you $1,000 not for change the tire to d for my son. Okay. So, he took the money. He comes home and he tells his parents, his mother in particular, mommy visk him. Three years he didn't put on film. He needs his film for tomorrow morning. Okay, fine. He's tired. So she calls up her sister and she says to her sister, you know, something very weird's happening. I don't know what happened, but the wants to film. I don't know why. She didn't tell you. She says, no, but how do you know about it? She says, why do what do you think I know about it? Whenever he's hungry, he finds a helm here. We don't judge him over here, which is his lifeline. One of the things I tell the boys is, you find a lifeline. I tell the boys to find a lifeline. And the sister was his lifeline, the aunt. And he said, "Listen," he told her the story that happened. But what's the punch line? So he has to go put on film. This is the sensitivity of our children, the skitite, the the what kind of children we're dealing with. So when I want to end with a story that I heard this morning actually had some other things to put to say maybe I will say one one more but he's begging Hashem he's begging Hashem that he wants to go into he said that the prior week the fight finishes is telling that she is going to become the Hashem shouldn't worry. Hashem will be there for them. So the says that I don't have it here. This doesn't have the I looked it up inside. Somebody told it to me says that says that the fact that I just was by saying in this maybe is going to let me go into so we don't realize how much a good vot we can use sometimes to say to somebody how much that makes a difference. I want to share with you. Somebody shared with me this morning by by by breakfast. I'm ready to give out. I have to find it. So he said a story that he had a child that was not well. And by the way, this person I met with a couple of years ago when everything looked nice and dandy and everything was fine. And I shared with him a couple of the ideas of what is looks like from me, from my experience, from understanding what his child is going through, where it could end up. And also because of us being trained as parents of how not to react and how to be there for the child, we are Bashem now three years later, four years later, and the child is healthy and growing in cloud. Maybe not from yet, maybe not exactly what we want, but we're getting there one day at a time. His daughter's name is Kaya and the daughter that had cancer many years ago. We didn't know if she'll be able to have children had a child and at that he was very very excited only invited family this came to this uh vakn and she wasn't exactly dressed like a bizakov girl and he was a little bit nervous and then on the other hand he had another child the question tati why you so excited going back to our point. Where's Hashem and everything? And the girl said, "You're so excited, but let me ask you a question. Maybe Hashem shouldn't have given this child cancer 20 years ago or whatever that was." And then now you wouldn't be so excited that she'd already have a baby. That's how this child is. It's a normal question from a child. The father said, "It's a very good question." And by the way, children ask questions. They're not trying to to as they say and not and having you have to answer them even when you don't know. So you say it's a good question I don't have the answer. It's very important. So he heard what they had to say and he was very excited about this because nobody thought that this child after going through chemo and everything else will have children at one point and this is his first child from this child got married. The child that got married's name is Suri. The child that's the kid in pain, kid in crisis, struggling child, the name is Kaya. And his mutton says, you know, maybe you say a couple of words something here. He says, I don't know what to say. You know, I'm I'm speechless. Said, let's take outish. And he opens up the says like this. Is there anything that Hashem can't do saying about that is telling she's going to have a child right next year. But in this in our story it comes in very very well. Hashem can't do anything. He can't help us. The the son once spoke by us and he said he said that we would ask any of these children that are struggling that if I would find some sort of a tra therapist, a helper, medication, something to do that you just go in there and you're healed a week later. Who would not pay the kind of money to be able to be healed? If I would is parents to spend $10,000 or whatever that's going to be to be able to heal your child, you wouldn't try to do whatever you can to heal your child 100%. He said, "Guess what? Hashem has that button to heal your child and he's not pressing it. So obviously he wants us to do something about it and he wants us to be the one doing the work." So Is there anything that Hashem cannot do at a certain time which means Hashem is going to come back to him the is going to come back to him but means also the child will come back to us what's the child's name and what's the po the point of the surah I get the shabas