Rav Yitzchok Loebenstein - The Derech where all our struggling and healthy children meet.

shalmar I am happy to see all to meet you all anybody is here anyone who's listening to us obviously has a good reason for doing so and is obviously looking for answers looking for answers looking for guidance looking for help inspiration the title whatever written here is the derrick where all our struggling and healthy children meet we all share similar needs let's get to know them the tear away we're not going to be discussing therapy today not going to be discussing so much the practical application of what we're going to discuss but being that the so much Bella gun and so much so many people out there who are just throwing theories hash goofus perceptions and often making a big mess so I'd like to take one one look CUDA and try and bring out from Cazale something comes out something has L teach us about the nephesh about people and if you understand a little bit the house L taught us how to look at the nefesh it will by default it will give us the tools to know what's bound to work and what's not going to work when dealing or having to deal with a troubled teenager challenged teenager the situation is always very dynamic it's not just we have the kid here who's acting out and we have an agenda he's got to be back into your Shiva and Mary into receivership family and that's our goal no matter how that's a very immature way of looking at things and do and doesn't work when you have a challenge child you've got a very broad dynamic you've got the child himself who's obviously not just woken up one morning to say I'd love to spite my parents I'd love to really give them a hard time what can I do okay I'll be my house Shabbos and you know that will give them a hard time no kid woke up one morning like that this child has obviously gone through a journey and has got to a place where unfortunately he is today but he's not the only one in the picture you've got parents and believe it or not the parents also human beings and the parents are also on a journey and they have they're getting triggered their own way there's obviously something that made this child act out the way he is and there's something that's going to make that's going to be the deciding factor as to what how the parents are going to react are they going to react maturely are they going to react in maturity are they going to have their own needs in mind are they going to be there for the child you've got the siblings which is a very major factor here number one there's the fear of you know however I'm dealing with this struggling teenager often bringing in negative influences into the house and strange ideas how that house that can affect the other siblings and then even if it doesn't affect them negatively in a Rockne's way but how's the brother dealing with the fact that they have a brother who's off the derrick you've got the broader family the uncles the aunts the neighbours you've got Rob on him you've got the killer the society the neighbourhood and all these each and every one of us whether we're a parent of such a child guiding such a child or we answer to child all those factors exist as parents of kids like that we have to worry about the neighbors or maybe we don't have to worry about the neighbors but we have neighbors to take into account if you're a neighbor of such a kid well then you have a neighbor who's got a kid like this well that's my that might be my habe you something as well let's say Borah clash em all your kids are doing fine but your neighbor's kid is not doing well well that's part of your story and that's something which you have to do something about that or maybe not there's a Gomorrah the Gomorrah says an errand afternoon give Muhammad Aleph there are none and today is Shiva it's one of the tannoy him the early Amir I'm in that yeshiva they had a tea they had 12 tell me them 12 tell me them all in all it says he spent 18 days in that yeshiva and he says I didn't open my Gomorrah once I didn't teach them anything all I did was got to know the Talmud him he's talking about rebuking on I got to know the tell me them it was clear to him that if I don't get to know my tongue meet him I'm not going to be able to teach them I'm not going to be able to influence them that means having kids or being it's not on you with kids it's with anybody if you want to influence somebody it's not just about where my goals are and how am I going to get there like I'm gonna go straight for it with her with a bulldozer you've got a no than the Farfisa pilots you've got to know who you're dealing with there was a common phrase going back over 2,000 years ago and the way the reason I know it was a common phrases because the Gomorrah in two places in Shas tells us that people used to say this the question is what they meant but people used to say Oh Marie and she people would they would say oh you have Russa or in me Susa either I have a have Russa a companion like me so so if I don't and I'm good as dead well what does that mean so the gemara in two places discusses it in extremely different ways and amid such a MOBA shabbos maybe we'll discuss the other Gomorrah but I want to focus on one of them today so the Gomorrah says in ballbuster Rashi explains in Bob Randolph design there's a concept called an early --have often translated as a friend somebody one loves it's difficult that the word our vote which we're going to be discussing today the question is what does I have a mean what does a ver mean I know that in spoken English is something you fall into the Nitish cut you don't fall into anything in English can't you grow you need this cat you build if you fall into something you're failed so if you if like love is something you fall into and you miss the point miss the boat so what is it is love something we feel is love something we do is love something we are is it a state is it a consequent is it a requirement now what is it how well talking about it and it's not very many people actually know what it means so we know the Mishnah tells us in other simper okay that one of the unique properties of Alva is that a knot or bow Davo it's it's totally not dependent on anything which means whatever you do won't be enough to dissolve it well how many of those do we know the kymaro says in Broca's a mcauliffe the concept of alpha referring to the Rabbinical item after sashimi liquor on the whole of alcohol Navajo home Idaho and the Camorra there says a feel annoyed Tillis Navajo even if showing love Taschen well after a session requires that you don't survive requires mysterious nephesh then that's what you have to do now there's no there's no mitzvah natira that's my high view that's my high vows to be my Senna fish it says what I blame there's nothing that you do that is more important than who you are it is anything that you do that the consequence is going to be that I am no longer then you don't do it because you are more important than what you do and it comes to laughter so family care how that stops being the case it's not it's obviously not something you do after such shame is obviously not purely a mitzvah it's it's beyond that there's obviously something about dying that is not as strong as the love version in other words we understand this in a few minutes we're better but death is not going to get in the way of the recession death is a temporary state it's a state that temporarily we move into consequent emit so called a possession but the end of the day what's going to survive is the Arve to the extent that is this a ver which is the CIPA which is the maha vaakya summation somebody who's who's who's got no shakers to what we call Alva is not going to wake up 40s amazing that's what people would say oh you have Russa or you miss Yusa what do mean I have rose I'm a sorcerer so the portion that means if I don't have a companion I don't have a friend I don't have somebody to love I'm as good as dead it's much deeper than that if you have a how if you know what the sugiko have Rosa means if you know what love means then Mesa is never gonna get to you yeah after 120 they might we might enter a temporary state called me sir until two years amazing if we are avoid if we don't have the Alpha then there's no deus amazing it's emotion the kymaro so we know that in in hazael when two people want to make a covenant a bond what's it called in the Taira a bris the brace is a covenant David made the bris with with Jennison it was the Brisbane up Soren now if anyone would ask you what ingredient what factor do I need to merge to bond to combine two things what do I need so I'm not sure if I would have an intelligent answer but I know the one thing that I would not use the only one thing I wouldn't use is a knife I might use glue I might use water water bonds things I could use maybe wind you know to put things together I would not use a knife that's the one tool which the Gomorrah says explicitly that you're not allowed to put a knife on them is bear because knife cuts people away from life so if you want to make a bridge with somebody the only thing you don't use is a knife now a problem with that is that there's only one thing that the tyro tells us about making a bris and that is that you do it with a knife it's called cleaner a stab risk you cut a bris the first British mentioned in the Torah explicitly was the Brisbane up soaring with Avril Lavigne oh how did he do that he took the animals and he cut them into two what a way of making a bris we have the Bruce Miller the famous for is Miller which is some type of connection between the child and his neshama between the child's and Hashem which is not we're not going to discuss that so get length now but how do you do that by being carry Cerberus by using a knife so the Vilna Gaon asked the question the Vilna Gaon in his parish and safely at syria he says I don't understand how you can make a bris with a knife I'm going to read you the words of the gun I'll read it to you now I'll translate it for America says the gun I'll explain to you now go Indian Bruce who Adam or Eve cannot sir if you have somebody you love like you love yourself the rods are shallow you perish remember and you want that this friend should never be separated from you I believe Shelia is Exley you can't it's just technically not possible to always be hand in hand the noise Saint Mary dove or shackle Mogga mercy or tu casa ll right if I want to always stay connected to you what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take a piece of me and I'm gonna give it to you now since I'm always connected to myself because I am i if I give a piece of me to you then wherever you are part of me is gone with you the hey Nick Shaw Ramallah dead over ah whoo that's something that was once me and is now with you that make that guarantees that were always going to be connected FLP sure know it when women want over attention the lottery in bris who have targets guarantee shall you day heard of or vat dye Lewis parrot is no it's guaranteed there's not going to be any separation but they're who Indian washing Chris so that's why we use the notion of severing of cutting Chakiris me men who had double Clavin not only as the Vilna Gaon how he explains what is a bris the bris means that there's some understanding some recognition that you and I at this point in time you and I share the same entity we're part of the same being so average is not something you do you might have to do something to create or to to awaken that love but it's not something per se just an act it's not even something necessarily that you feel you have to feel it you don't feel it that's not the determining factor here it's something you are and it's clear but over right it's totally it doesn't make a difference what you do even if you become my biggest enemy you're still part of who I am because part of me is with you nothing can get in the way a slave and eviden it keeps his title as a slave all the while that he's not rebelling against his master if a slave wakes up in the morning and says today I'm not doing what you asked me to do then you're sacked you're not a slave anymore a child born in being a child is not something that's determined by what they do a child who can rebel against his parents is still a child still a child since in the Camorra said the pot success in part is for a that born in a time now a medication we're all sons of hashem and the path success and so what and therefore when somebody loses a relative don't move too much what's the association between those two things is one thing Bhanumati master there's another thing when you're mourning make sure that you stay within the biologic boundaries like to see more coral is different her locus of what you're not allowed to do when you're mourning keep the morning with its limitations now answer is that if we are born in lush m what does that mean it means there's something about me that and something about Hashem that has merged into one when it says in the passage that I shan't blue and the Shama into my growth ie Papa up of knishmas Haim then there's something in me which is coming from Hashem now we don't need to understand that we're not discussing Kabbalah now it's deep concepts but there's something in me which is a headache le carré malice some days some godliness in me now there's also some godliness in you in each and every one of us now there's only one thing that can't be cut into two and that's godliness Schmeiser ajamila can wash our hoods Hashem is one so if there's godliness in me and godliness I knew the two of us must be connected by default if we're not connected it's either because the only way we're not connected is either that I don't have godliness or you don't have godliness or that godliness can be cut into two and since all those three are false by default we connected kimono sizing edition of the flam involve the Gemara says those mock Lakers about the Russian Premier the mayor said Bangkok or Bangkok born I'm I'm clannish so irrespective of what their situation is they're always born in tertian the raja baath says that even though normally dialogue is like Robbie Hooda and the Gomorrah their Bureau has a slightly different approach The Rasmus says in this case that lockers like Rome it's almost fun the only places in chess we pass connect Ramaiya been Kaka been Kabana him so where's this taking us as Akuma Rock Morris hasn't imagined that his royal Shikata when Crowley so and he doesn't have era is sure FLP she is strong FOP sure Jota is royal who even though he didn't are Vera he's still cool during his show everybody knows his famous phrase FLP sure hot or his royal who I would have written it the other way around I thought Pai sho who even though he's Israel he's he is a Jew Hato who is a hater he deserves to be punished mainly if it wouldn't be a Jew showing who cares what he does but you didn't have Vera we know that her c9 we all made the schwa we made the promise we're gonna beat Sadiq a moose moose before in mid Merisi night Gamora needed a flam it says before each and every one of us was born we made this sure that we're gonna beat a deacon so I would have thought it should say FFP she is trial who even though it's this royal court is a hater little more doesn't say that the Commerce is FLP sure Jota is sure so how're we supposed to understand that see see it he didn't have Vera even though he did nivara he still is Jo what's the other turd what was he like laughs ookay words in contrast to what they even though he did not very he's not eat it's clean the Gomora at least mascone of the Gomorrah is that there's something which is beyond hit which is weight transcends heads and that's the fact that you use show the now being your show is in its innate it's something you were born with something you born as so I fell P Shack hot or you can do all that various in the world there's one thing that you're not gonna get managed to destroy and that's the fact that you're born ears show and the kymaro says don't think that because you've done so many are various you know something else I hope you have to know that the naquadah called is show that state and that's the new could of Birnam at him that's the new could've Bonnie somebody who feels completely disconnected where there's disconnected from themselves disconnected from their spouses disconnected from their children their parents from Hashem they've lost this vital ingredient called connection nothing exists if there's no if it's not connected the kymaro says in barb after everything in the world is only half everything is half there's always you're always dependent on somebody or something else there's a man and a woman cesare on the caver there's always one is dependent on the other there's day and night the Guara even says that the day lends time to the night and the night lends time to the day if there's always the plus and the minus there's everything is dependent anything that stands on its own stand alone it has no score scheme that's why when you count people right we know that if you count somebody one two three four it's very very dangerous it says there can be a Magatha because if each one is just one then we're in trouble so what do we do we take the market it's a shackle where everybody is part of of a whole where everybody is the other half of somebody else and then it's okay then you have a score skill because what makes all of us part is the fact there's a one boy runs one a Shem that's connecting all of us and that's the part that no head can get in the way I know Misso can get in the way even death can't get in the way that's why there's no MacGyver the morale says there's one mitzvah that somebody who's transgresses that that mitzvah is not going to wake up 40s amazing and that somebody who lends money and takes rivers then who takes rivers rivers happens to be the same letters as bris when you're taking Ribbit's what does that mean it means I don't need you you don't need me I'm going to use you and you're going to use me right didn't understand this if I have to lend you money because we need each other we're there for each other if I lend you money and I make it into a business it means that you're there to serve me the morale that's how the morale explains got a whole pair can a civet stalker where he says that some duel ends with rivers he doesn't understand how each and every one of us are two halves of a single being and therefore he's not going to stand up for today's amazing well many of our kids or Kip's for those who know the term the kids in pain what most of them if not all of them are going through if you ask them does anyone love you and I do this all the time with parents when with the teenagers that I speak to I say if you were Hashem who had to grade you how much do you think Hashem loves you I'll get something between minus 50 and plus 10 right that's like the average if he tells me no no I get an 80 and I was in denial if you're an 80 then why you and off the dare a kid they're living in an existence where there's nobody who loves me and they'll even give you good reasons they have plenty of references he'll tell me I'll explain to me why it makes sense that Shem doesn't love him and he's like Daly he's counting though unfortunately it starts off or often it starts off with a mistake I once had a dog who came to me who was he even ate on Yom Kippur he was keeping nothing now seem like what made you drop everything so he said to me now I was no good I was finished you know long before I ate on him Kippur there was like there was nothing right about me so I said whoa whoa let's say what a various you did that was even worse than like what would tell me about how bad you were but what's the worst thing you did he says for years and years I couldn't just couldn't keep myself back and I only waited five and a quarter hours after meet before having my coffee and he was sure that was a terrible Avera and then after five years and doing every day you knows how many days and a thousands of days every day having a coffee we're not waiting the full six hours so that was it there's nothing left on my educate so it started with feeling rejected he felt how shams obviously rejecting me Hashem rejects me I'm a reject if I'm a reject and that's it nothing doing we have to realize exactly the amount that we feel that our kids are part of us in spite of the fact that they might be doing terrible things that's exactly what he feels about himself there's somebody I know now it's his child who once did a survey he had hundreds of people in the room and he gave them a form and he told them to write there to give a score of how much you feel Hashem loves you okay finally gave him the papers a little bit later in the evening he gave them papers and says now I just wanted to write down how much do you think your parents loved you he said in almost a hundred percent of the cases the numbers were identical it's if we feel that my parents are like crazy over me it doesn't matter what I did I came in at 3:00 in the morning and I were not discussing now specific or how to deal with a specific crisis and don't want to do that now because I don't know your cases every case is different and just taking the general rule right if your kid has like really tested all he knows he's pushed all the buttons he's broken all the boundaries and he knows you are there for him he's gonna be okay he's gonna be okay he knows I'm well anchored my parents are there for me if my parents are there for me Michelle's gonna be there for me so today I have a challenge in one area or another he'll get through it if he feels rejected he feels I have no sauce that somebody should want to should want me should want me to be connected to them or they to be connected to me we've robbed them of the most important ingredients in their in their lives how many parents have I heard saying yeah I told my child that if he does this and there's no one's gonna want to marry you no one's gonna want to be a friend have we ever said that to our kids what you mean if you go to show that without wearing your hats you know who's gonna want to deal with your shadow him you know I've had parents who tell that to little kids five-year-old kids if you don't go on diets no one's gonna want to ever marry you find your old kid I had a mother who said that term and looking down the line 15 years later we understand exactly the way that we understand the full picture it's so important that we give over this message to the kids who you are is far more important in what you do the children who feel that that the religion is what's causing them rejection because I just can't do it right I can't demonstrate enough I come from my finger in the citta every minute I can't come in time every time you know a comic my broca's loud enough and slow enough and clear enough and if religion becomes all the conditions on which the the love that I was dependent on if the only interactions the child gets from their parents is this is not good enough and this is not good enough and this is not good enough he's gonna say you know I've got a brilliant idea I'm just going to go off the Dera and that's it now there's no more conditions I don't need to keep anything I don't believe in anything so going off the Derick has become his solution not his problem and who created that I don't blame parents because I really don't think that parents are the cause for children going off the Darracq but that's not for now but whoever it was that convinced this kid you don't deserve you don't deserve to be accepted even though you you're not managing to conform on a 100% level those are the people who have planted those seeds of I'm gonna get rid of anything to do with conditions why are they breaking every rule because a rule just means that you'll only love me because I kept the rule and they don't want that they want the connection which is totally anal clear whatever and they will get rid of every dove er just in order to find the love they need which is anal clear but over and unfortunately and maybe fortunately for them but unfortunately for us and nowadays there's an amazing platform where love is served without any conditions twenty years ago it was the streets today is the internet and it's amazing you get everything you need there it's all fake right nobody we know that there's no substance to it but these kids they're finding the love and nobody makes any conditions all you need to do is I accept you know which has something Google you know ask some you I don't know which platform just I accept there's some conditions and nobody reads them beyond that point everything goes there's another point which is very important so we discuss a little bit the child right the teenager who got like this warped understanding or the feeling of like I'm not good enough if I don't conform what about us as parents how often are we projecting our own feelings of rejection onto the child so it's true that today we're all well-built adults who think that everything's you know we think that we're all okay and most of us are okay but the kimono says in words cotton that a 60 year old person has inside of him a six year old child now that six year old child is tilted a six years old which means they're six years old any of us adults right got that impression from a teacher from a parent from a friend that you're not good enough because there's something you did that didn't conform with some rule or other then if we don't work that do the inner child work if we don't take care of that until today we can be 60 years old and pluck and beyond and we'll still be something inside of us that says he does a sham really love me you know am i deserving of really being loved by all the people around us our spouses our families by Hashem now what happens why is that relevant to here because what happens when when our kid or Kipp on our challenged teenager comes home with with his earrings with the yellow hair or anything else that they choose and what happens so obviously there's how do you relate to the kid but what's the kid done to us when this kid comes in the parent says I can't see him like that and then we ask them what exactly can't you see what do you mean it's in a Vera and then we like feel like saying okay pull the other one it's like is that really what's going on here and then I ask them ask parents this I said if this kid was holding a big banner that said on it I'm off the derrick and it says that you are dot-dot-dot what would it be and many many parents say a reject what do you mean if my child is off the derrick it means that I am not deserving of being accepted by whoever I need to be accepted my parents won't accept me or they knew that my travels off the Darracq they would disown me when Hashem definitely hates me because my child is doing in a Vera and then all our own issues of of rejection are being triggered here and then we're in turn trying to protect what we call love and being deserving of love and then we try with all our goodness to tell our teenagers that you know if you do this wrong no one's going to love you and what's happening here we're hurting the kids and the way we're doing it and the reason we're doing it is just because he triggered our own our own rejection now what happens with all of us kids and I'm talking about the six year old kids so for those of us who are doctors therapists whoever it might be there's something in refer called Ras right in English it's the reticular activating system sounds very complicated but what is it it's very straightforward each and every one of us we see thousands and thousands of details at every moment we see color we the sound the smell is there's what people tell us there's every with seeing a tremendous amount of information if our brains will take in all that information then the system would crush our brains are not capable of taking it all in sir shem created a filter between our eyes and our brains called ras it's something which is it's a physical thing which filters it filters what we what we pay attention to you know these people who always notice the black cars the new cars then the bokram always know who's got a new toy and you know different people who are like always noticing certain things and not noticing other things that's because in their world in their world they're focusing on the filtering and focusing on what they choose to focus on it's a Camaro the Camaro says in schwas fatah Mediacom him here Milt sturdily Romney enough shave alive a dirty right if you were a scene of crime but you weren't paying attention and you come to based in and say I saw something happened and basin asked you what are you paying attention to this detail or do you just seem to remember this detail and he says no I wasn't paying attention the basin will they won't be they won't accept the the a dose the testimony will will be it will fail so many of us and it's even more pertinent with these kids right since they are living a life of rejection the whole what we call the love tank right the need to be loved without any conditions is completely broken and dented by all sorts of different people or circumstances which again will be discussed over the weekend and not now about the different traumas and what causes these kids to break but if their tank is their love tank we'll call it and no it's not specifying that is because there are other tanks which are equally important but we're going to stay focused now so if this love tank is dented and the love tank is half empty every time this kid does something wrong another little bit of the amount he feels his deserving of love is leaving leaving the tank and the parents say what do you mean a Shelton was so much love but yes I'm sorry but the tank has got is dented there's a hole in it so we have to learn how to how to fix those tanks and borrow cash m1 can fix them if you get the right guidance you will fix them but the all of us parents and these kids because we feel we are so rejected because we're so rejected we walk around all the time thinking are they loving me are they rejecting me are they judging me are they not right that's all they're seeing that means you could be doing you could be giving them a compliment but if they think that you're only giving them a compliment because they did something that fits your agenda they'll just chuck it out because this they're super sensitive to them is their the RAS their system super-sensitive of is this pure love is this rejection there was this story which I hope never happened of this rabbi who's you know rabba have a community and you know one of the things that every rabbi has to do is he sometimes has to be there with people when they are through that transition to the next world she suddenly got a call from one of his community members that somebody is like you know on the ninth floor and it sounds like he's like it's hitting the end and he wants the rabbi to come okay it's the rabbi comes and you know does what you have to do and the Baraka shame I've never been in that situation I don't know what rabbis do in those situations but he was there and said this person had trouble breathing and you know this fellow asked the rabbi he went to him like this the rabbi thought you know he can't speak maybe he wants a paper he's gonna write down you know his last words shame it's the rabbi gave him a pen a paper he wrote something down folded the paper the rabbi took it put it in his pocket and and and and obviously five or six minutes later the machines when zero zero zero and that was it okay fine she hours later this rabbi his next job he has to speak at the l'viyah okay so he gets up and in the middle of his job he suddenly remembers he's got this piece of paper now this is like major this this is the what he wrote just before he passed away this is gonna make a good hispid you know he takes out the paper I reads it out rabbi you're standing on the oxygen pipe and it's unfortunate but it happens so often when we're so busy doing the right thing in that just trying we have an agenda we're trying to give a message over you know you've got to keep Shabbos and you've got to do this you've got to do this and we don't realize that we're stepping on the oxygen what's it good for so a doctor came out and said the operation successful the patient died we don't want successful operations we want live patients live patients become happy patients happy vacation patients become healthy ones and healthy ones they do everything i chen wants them to do this let's try and take that with us nowadays the world is all about contacts likes friends followers anyone who's under the age of 25 here knows what I'm talking about it's all about connection make sure that we give our kids that feeling of we are one with you we're with you we're okay with who you are just the way you are if they do good things of course you complement them depending on the situation we're not giving specific guidance now but build them complement when they're doing good things but make sure that they don't have any reason to believe that they're only good and only accepted because of the good things they're doing because that's going to give them a warped picture remember that when we do things that are shown doesn't want Hashem says Ben Kaka benka Bona him with the brain shame keeps us no matter what make sure we do the same to our kids and amidst a shame they'll all get stronger they'll feel that worthy of something of themselves and they'll become older Shem the way we all want them to