Rav Ashi Newman - Dealing With Your Childrens' Schools and Teachers When There Is a Problem At Home

my own perhaps reasons for credibility is that the bar hashem and the story will be told over probably a couple of times over this weekend as a sham we had a Kip in berkshire we call her equip the kid who wear hashem was in pain so the w is was in pain and we CIT dismember hashem it's already almost Rakesh at least three or four years since Parker Shem things turned around and hostage him she's married and an amazing amazing they spent yonder with us and it's incredible incredible just to see the issue so on one end I lived this journey and it's a continuous journey another hand my profession by by by what I do as a living as I'm a man now so I see both sides and if I hope that I could bring some clarity to this issue and what I find is many many times is that as parents were very very frustrated because we understand our child and we know intimately what's going on with that child and a lot of times we feel that the Han hala whether it's a man alum and he'll us whether it's a motor whether it's a Rebbe are not getting it and they're missing the point so I think I think that a lot of times it's easy for us to say this is why my child is suffering this is my child is not succeeding in school and I think we need to go ahead and say okay what are we going to do about it so the first thing I think we have to understand is I always considered myself a Midna hell who was always championing the underdog and sometimes I got a lot of flack for that because I was always the one that the child that would get sent out of class I was always his advocate of her you know what case I have Tommy them not tell me those and so I always thought that I got it that's what I always thought but until you have a child that's going through what these chose to go through you don't really get it so I think the first thing we have to understand is whether it's Amanda Heller Amanda helis whether it's a more rebby they may be the nicest sweetest people but they don't get it they just don't understand and all the explanations we're gonna tell them will only get them so far I didn't get it I thought I did but I didn't get it now I feel like I got it and bar Hashem I have a whole different approach to Hennis than I had before so once we get that I think we could take a step back and and and and deal with it differently it's a different Mahalo Cantina I mean I think we ourselves can attest to that did any of us get it before we got it we didn't it's called twisted parenting for a reason right we it's twisted once you understand it and it's successful it there is no other language and anyone else is crazy and we're normal but from their perspective we're crazy we know better but they don't borrow some they should never know that I think the most important thing we can do is communicate and sometimes we can do that and I'll say this again I've had over that over the past few years Sbrocco shrimp as the years move on so there are parents that are aware of my situation and if I've had parents call me to discuss these specific issues and one thing I've always often I've done this is I tell the parents give them in the helis or the minal my number and I can talk to them because I can talk their language so one thing you can do is it doesn't have to be me it could be avi it could be someone else that you or that you know over that gets it if they can communicate and understand and it's amazing how the light pole goes on with these principles when they realize that oh I didn't understand that and this is also something Jenna has come a long way in the last 20 years there are a lot of really good principles out there that really understand that want there are a lot of them there are some of them that are not and when you have that difficult situation you have to deal with it but many of them really do want to do the right thing and we all know that times have changed and in regular mainstream Hashanah it's not this it's a whole new world and we all understand that and I think that once we have that understanding I think we deal with it it's a whole it's that we can deal with it differently what your child needs is an advocate someone that's in their corner now a lot of times that's us and our children have to know no matter what we are in their corner we are there for them and we will do anything for them and a lot of our children have this mentality and I want to talk about that for a moment or at least it's very very shortly why and that why this happens of it's me against the world and our children have to know that we're there for them and we're there to do anything we can for them it also helps to have an advocate in school I'll give you just a little bit of background our daughter even though despite the fact that I am the minal but I'm not in charge of the girls it's a different division through her journey she ended up getting kicked out of school she was kicked out of school [Music] it was particularly painful obviously because you understand you know you're the man I'll what's going on dealing with that we had two wonderful people one in charge of this school one of them who was really sweet and understanding didn't understand the whole if I could do rewind which percussion we don't do maybe I would handle things differently maybe I were to sit down with them and explain to them I myself was going through it so it was hard to do but brakesh em everything happens for a reason I make him inside the governor punish him put us on this journey there's another minute Alice who didn't understand it all but what we did have was a few very understanding people in the school tomorrow's they were makin FS who were a lifeline for our daughter lifeline because there was someone there that was her advocate someone that were only interested not in what she was learning but who she was and what she was going through so that's extremely important to have someone an ally in the school that gets your daughter and your son etc I'm touching a few different topics there and then again I do want to open up I'm in a few minutes a lot of parents struggle with the child that doesn't want to go to school they just don't want to go they don't want to get it a bed they don't want to go so something very wise that avi always says and again I'm sure you've all heard this from him if your child at 103 fever would you send your kid to school would you force him and say would you start bribing them and pleading with them of course not so of course that's a mindset to understand that our child is a wholly nefesh there's something something's seriously wrong so you have to be in tune to that you have to listen to them because it's possible that there's a reason they don't want to go to school specifically and there might be something that happened it might be something a person that's happening and you have to listen to them and you have to really try to be my violin to try to ascertain exactly what is wrong another thing is is that as parents we have a very hard time because we had this preconceived notion in our head we had this picture when our child was born this is what is going to happen our child is going to be here they're gonna go to this school they're gonna go to that seminary they're gonna go to this yeshiva you're gonna marry this person and some of the hardest things we have to do as parents is readjust our thinking in my own personal situation are our daughter was asking to go to a different school and we were not listening again that's what to banish unwanted and brush em the journey is amazing and it was great but that needs Sheila's calm you have to ask that's Torah for this but the main thing is not to be married to that preconceived picture you had in your head again I think all of us understand that we have to readjust our thinking and it's not compromising its understanding in the inner core of our emunah and and be talking in the Rhenish room it's understanding that what we thought was wrong we were wrong and this new picture is the real picture the one that's gonna get us to where our child is supposed to be I want to share with you just before I get a little free I wanted to share with you am I suppose I think this is really really also very crucial for us without a moon in be Tahoe without understanding that every step of the way was preordained by their benefit just heard with Shimon Russell talking about brought me I'm Chi to meet serious of lad this whole thing was was predestined for us to go through so sometimes it's not unusual and it's nothing to be ashamed of we asked the question and why we ask the question why and something I'm gonna hopefully talk about resolution and Sunday is that we we used to walk around and see other normal children and say why what what did we do wrong what could we have done better why is it like that why can't it be normal but it's we understand with the moon if we talk me and send it there's a picture here there's a whole journey we're going through so I want to share with you just just one my so which I to me spoke very very strongly to what we're going through miles Biederman mentions the story in his over paisa that there was a rough in a small town in the oppressed burg that was doing bris Mila against the government's wishes they acid it they did not allow him to do it and he was doing it anyway one day to deliver its meal on a Gare and unfortunately the wound would not close and this person was bleeding profusely and the rub had a big problem on a sense because if he takes this person to the doctor they're gonna find out that he did the bismillah and his own life he wasn't worried about but what would it do for all the people of his entire town who knows even surrounding towns could be in trouble doesn't if he doesn't take him to the doctor and the person dies faster shown again it's gonna be a big problem so if he takes him it's a problem if he doesn't he didn't know what to do she went to the Sam cipher in Pressburg and the Sam surfer told him the only choice that you have is that you and the gare should go to the river and jump off a cliff into the river and be mercy and nefesh give up your life to save all of the hidden all the surrounding towns so I kind of sifakas to everyone if they would like to jump into the river the rub was Makabe Ava and the gear was Macau boba Ava and they went to the river and before they jumped off to set Iranian movement I'm assuming we're ready to do this and suddenly a man walked by an older man he says what are you doing we look like really sad didn't want to tell him the man was insisting you have to tell me what's wrong they told him what's going on he said Wow aren't you lucky I happened to have in my my bag over here a special bandage will take care of this care will take care of him and he'll be healed so they took care of this person quickly the door did what he said and Berkeley chemin stopped the bleeding turned around and of course the person was gone and he understood that it was Elio and Navi that had come as asked was for his mysterious nefesh he went back to some savings as rebel if I was gonna be safe it to Cle own Navi why couldn't you just tell me I was gonna see her Liana me why don't you take tell me and obviously they think he knew the answer before he asked the question the some cipher told them that if you want Gilly Elio if you want to see a yeshua with that mysterious nephesh you can't see it after you were willing to be most inefficient that's the music I see all of you our children our children are so so special we know this they are special missions and we as if it to have a child that was chosen by the ribosome to be unbelievably brilliant brilliant in in in every facet of their being not just a child that goes along with the flow who so many do but a childhood questions a child that is in a shaman at once and desires and that's when they get into because they are thirsting for the answers to their questions and that's why they struggle in school because they ask and when they're told not to ask they ask more and then they get in trouble and they resent that because what they want is the Amis and many teachers where Hashem again we're getting better at this because we've taught teachers if Rashi can say I don't know then we can say I don't know but there are many teachers who struggle with that and they say what kind of asking or hutzpah Kira etc etc etc all the worst things possible for a child who just wants answers because they are at their inner core M s many of them are also black and white and we all know this and it's either right or wrong it's a hundred percent this way or zero percent the other way that's also part of the package but at the inner core they just want the truth and they get knocked down and knocked down and unfortunately that puts them in where they are but this is also haschke that's part of what we believe in they're banished and depression does all this reason because ultimately these children are going to be the light of everything they're the leaders as my daughter says I was put in this position to help so many people who work wanted to know and she thanks to Bernie from every single day for the Swiss that she had to go through all the pain that she went through that's where oral children are going to end up as the attitude is man but we also are going to see this gilli elio we're gonna see it but in order for us to see we have to have mr. selfish and I know that all of you understand what we do is mr. snappish we give our lives we give our soul we give every part of our kishkes to these children and I could be Mufti R to you that it will be reciprocated a thousand times over even when they can't express it and even when they can't themselves can't always see it later on they will tell you that they appreciated it and they were there and they appreciate everything that we do but we need to have that mysterious nefesh that's the way the question created the world we talked we just heard we Shimon Russell in order for a marriage to work it needs me serious nephesh that's what mysterious nefesh to me mysterious never shouldn't mean willing to jump off a cliff we serious that means giving over your what you want for someone else so I think that's important but there's also another aspect I want to talk about want to make sure that I have time for questions at the end okay good I'll get about five more minutes I just want to just a couple more things in most situations our children who are struggling were once our should say are the most brilliant gifted and we're doing great and then the wheels came off into other situations it's because of a learning disability perhaps but in other ways they were brilliant and gifted because they brush em that's the British rim creates us each one of us has miles and Coronas and therefore they were gifted in some way and all of a sudden they stronger and they're struggling and these are children that they know how good they are they know how talented they are and it pains them to no end that they're having such a lack of at Slava and it's a cycle that gets worse and worse because the more frustrated they get the more they act out and the more trouble they get into and it just makes it worse it's really important that our children have the hybrid Satomi them to presents and says that a person has to have hot slaw a child needs to have things that they're successful at in order to feel good about themselves in the secular world they hold Islands of competence that's what they call it so our children who are so gifted are suddenly struggling so if you can find something in school where they're good at where they can thrive that is so so very important let's say that situation is not possible after meeting with the principal and discussing it because that's really really important as we said sitting down with them in a helman Alice and talking about trying to paint the picture for them to understand where we're coming from if it can't be in school should be somewhere else it could be after school there could be and most of these kids love our children these are kids who want so much to give it's what special-needs children if they can have that little hour a day of feeling that they're successful it pays dividends way down the road it's so so important to do I said before again if some people came in late if you can't convey this you know I make available to anyone that once my telephone number I'm always available to speak to the administration to try to get them to understand I had a situation of six months ago with a pet with it with with parents that call me we called the Mara helis she was fantastic changed the whole schedule one thing that principals struggle with and and and I understand where they're coming from is because I think we should look at it ourselves one of the questions parents always ask is what's it going to do to the other children in the family if we do this house it can affect or think it's oberkugen once you're doing TV for a long time you realize it only helps but for man for principal it's understandable they're worried what kind of harsh ba is this child can have on other people they have responsibility in that at times behind the scenes their parents pressuring so we have to be sensitive to that too but at the end of the day at the end of the day we need to advocate for our child and if our child can be in school they should be in school we talked about before I have make sure it's the right school but if they can be in school they should be if they don't want to go to school so that's the situation we have to handle on a day to day basis you can't force them like we said but at the same time we have to be listening to them and try to encourage them as much as possible as far as again going back to the Shimon Russell we a husband and a wife have to be on the same page I can tell you as sitting as a minal sometimes at meetings and regular mainstream Ahana when parents are not on the same page it's very obvious and the child suffers in this situation it's even more extreme we have to have united approach to what we want the Manalapan tell us to do I want to finish with one thing I recently wrote this you may have read it's possible I know that I'll be sent it out but I think this is so again a lot of times you see something and it talks to you this this talk to me all sort of mild sweet have been on Pesach wrote this is foul she said that a lot of times we sit at the Seder and we take the lady matzah the middle mats then we break it in half and we put the bigger piece away and a person who doesn't know the end of the story sits at the Seder and cries obey its poor piece of matzah it's broken in half hidden hidden away who knows where it is everyone's running around and handling it which have made even you up and what that means it's being handled by this person that person this person that you don't know what is gonna be and a person doesn't know they're safe mice it doesn't know the under the story could feel bad for this poor piece of life you came in what's going on what happens at the end after you come in comes back to the Seder it's the most hush of all no matzah sits as a clock urban pest has the last and we eat it's the thing that stays with us for an entire year so I thought isn't this exactly what we go through our biggest piece our most precious child it's broken taken away it's not leaving and leading a normal life isolated who knows who has it a little but the end of the day Ezra Chevy spark see out the dish Maya what's gonna be is this piece this child is going to be the most harsh of of all the one that's gonna light the way for everyone else but my experience is what happens everyone gets presents from the afikomen these children is precious precious Nokomis give all of us the greatest gift and I have thanked my daughter over and over and over again for giving us this Montana of being able to become better people to understand other people better our children all grew from this incredible journey each one of them is a better person because of it and the brach is that all of us should understand it's so painful along the way but we know that from pain comes growth and from growth comes the ultimate yushua so it's painful it's difficult understandably but the beneficial bench each and every one with it just like we saw our you sure they weren't eventually also you'll see your you shoe as well and along the way we have to make that inch tablets to fight for our children to believe in our children to accept our children to love our children not despite as if sherman Russell said not despite but because of what they're going through how brave are our children then of putting up with so much pain and so much suffering and they get up and they work and they try and failure after fair but they're continuing to go because that's where they are so we have to be marketed and appreciate that and burnish your benches all with tremendous issues now I'll take some questions perhaps once that gonna just yeah okay good because you asked me before so yeah she's not happy so yeah okay mm-hmm right okay I know we have to listen to them but can teachers are like make them abet them they just I continue another one here and maybe we'll think of a seminary disability mr. they are - already because you kind of like throw anything it's sad I was like why don't you anything working I'm trying - why why are you so insistent that you should finish up one more year why what and another school is not an option oh you took my just for the rest of this year you say okay okay right right here time within the last six weeks of school that's what you're that's what the questions so we talked about little so we talked about listening right you have to find out why she doesn't want is it just because I is it just because she doesn't like the teacher she looks like or is it something deeper than that there's nothing deeper yeah that's that's well that's what you have to be number one thing you have to be we're wary of is is there any deep reason why she doesn't want to be there if there is then you can't you can't very judgmental probably not everyone right because of our situation let's let's play the other end what happens if she doesn't go back to school four six six what happens because of what people will say because of some other people that right right so and so I don't know your daughter so I'm answer this again anyway I always you know I always tell people like they're you know they have the attend them on the roundtable clinic discussions it's really it's very superficial because unless you know the situation you can't really answer a Shila it's not possible so not knowing you do it I can't really answer chef I just want to say is this you have to be - for hiker yourself to make sure that you have no that you have to take yourself out of it make sure there's nothing to do with what you want and what your daughter wants because no that's all I'm saying I'm saying is if we're worried about when we make a decision about a child they have to make sure that it's not because of what it will look like because of us but because it was a child that sounds like it's very important because we're all negated of it we have to be but we have to make sure the decision we make is in the child's best interest not a kit so then a regular clinic yes that you could assist you finish this is six weeks briber if you need to it's nothing wrong with that and once that's where Schmoll kamenetsky once about bribing and right he says if you can afford it do it there's nothing wrong with that give the money whatever it is no problem at all he's on my face if I have the money i bribe every kid in my TV told me so there's nothing wrong with that if it's a regular child you can insist you can bribe and finish the six weeks but just to make sure that you that all the eyes that make sure that you verify could really really analyze it to make sure that it's a regular normal typical situation just because of what it is and you can and also be empathetic I understand what you're going through if I had to do this I would also suffer but it's six weeks it's six weeks we can do this we can do this together and every day she comes home and appreciate what she's doing with yeah if that's the situation I 100% yes whistle teachers always right right right yes okay it's a very good question okay so what I would says is false 100 I think we all grew up with that you know I found that years later that my mother would always find later on would make the phone call they didn't even tell us that they did it because in those days you know we were growing up it is what it was you have to deal with it a child does need to know that you listen to them so the first thing is you sit and listen to exactly what happened the first words out of your mouth shouldn't be the Rebbe who's right the for instant of 30 words this schaeffler tell me exactly what happened just tell me what happened I I the empathy is real we're gonna get has to be real it can't be fake it has to be real I really do flew it but one thing we have to understand is and there's nothing wrong with saying this is that the Rebbe or the MOU are human beings the human beings it's possible they made a mistake it's very possible that's not okay and the cover of the rough of the Rebbe oh that's not and hopefully again this is something we're trying to educate our bayum and Mauro's to say we made a mistake I'm sorry those two words are the most empowering words and not weakness its strength in children respect strength so you could have that conversation and say it's possible there was a mistake mate it's possible this is what we're gonna do okay I'm gonna call the Rebbe the more I'm gonna call and I'm gonna have a conversation with them but one thing we have to understand is that even when a rebel motor makes a mistake we don't lose our hearts we still maintain our respect because that's position of authority that's that's what the other exception for took my red memory there are you know there are mana so we have to respect that but I think it's important that the child understands that you have their back you understand where they're coming from and you will deal with it at the end of the day sometimes they're wrong and they could be wrong too but yes that I don't think there's anything wrong with approaching it that way yes the point about how many kids are seeking the truth yes so a lot of those kids tend to go off with arabela's yeah post post going through a dropper yeah sure so how would you say is the best way to initiate a way where we can educate the masses right right more and more schools are doing that I think we have to be careful about that is because you have to make sure the person who's doing it has two qualities the one is confidentiality the children can't be afraid that the question they asked is going to get back to the Manal mentalis the Manalapan ellis have to appreciate the fact that they're not going to know who asked the question a lot of schools they want to do the right thing but then they'll come back to the child and say we heard you asked this question and the kids shattered I'm never gonna ask again and then it's too late you know Ward will take years to repair the damage so you have to make sure that it has to be person who will be confidential has the ability to do that to tell the principal I'm not telling you who asked what this is a time for the kids that be able to ask also have to be a person who's honest obviously qualified to answer the questions honest and also that relates to the kids because the kids need to know that they can relate to that person to ask so those are very important qualities more and more schools are doing it and if it's done right it's a fantastic fantastic some schools do it like once a month some schools bring someone in which is also helpful but it has to be a hundred percent yeah I think we're getting there we're definitely getting there because children they just want enough as I'll put down because those questions that were irregular tasks you know and you really just wanted the truth you weren't doing anything wrong you just miss information right we're starting to get that now and mid-session let's hope we can all fix that but yes that that's it that's what has to happen the kids need to be able to ask and it's not a problem what other kids are hearing a hundred percent we're not we should be embarrassed and you shouldn't there's nothing wrong so we're thing you know it's a great question I'll get back to you tomorrow we all do that with regular person that's a cautionary key beggar can't say you know I'll get back to one same things we can ask our folk in to the same thing yes Shiba right he's upset by what he saw I feel bad so they drop off going to apology no and he that hurts him so he's having his own struggle you're 12 you watching they do about them who wants to do something about yes learning and he's there till the end of the day so if he's coming at so when my sons great yesterday I got a call call and right so some of the things that we talked about earlier will be very helpful to sit down because again where he's coming with us when I was coming from he doesn't understand right you know it again yes you do right so in most situations like for example it again and this is like such a typical example if a child was ill and had to go to the hospital every morning for treatment with the man I'll be afraid of what this going to affect the other children of course not because everyone understands that most situations other children do not look at a kid coming late and say oh I think I'm gonna do the same thing they want it but I mean I'll scared it's it's a fear but it's not usually an unrealistic one it's an unrealistic fair if throughout the asylum has always been kids will come earlier comes came late that's way it is I think that the Manila students and the the depth of why it's so important not to alienate yourself you have to understand that we're dealing with something which is very serious and and the more he understands that the better off we'll be in again this is one of situations where I have no problem conversing with this manner how hopefully again I don't know when it comes to I'm not so but kind but the hasidic eylem you know with the literature him does manam I know most of them but I think that it's more than when I was trying to do his job but his driver also is to make sure that your son is it's taken care from the right way and forcing him to come is not going to help and in most situations that will not affect anyone else no you can always tell my tell me them you don't understand a lot of times I'll make one say why didn't I get the dissing you don't know what other things are in place you don't know which other consequences or not consequences or so I tell each child each child is depressed if you walk past a hospital room I thought might tell me this all the time and you see this person getting a shot and you're getting a shot and that one's not getting a shot you wouldn't ask such a question cuz you understand that every person is it there every child is different and if a child does want to know from there now we're doing other things with this Thomas there are other things and that's it's not what's business but again you just you know what's important and you know how critical this is and you have to anyway you can't convey to the panel thank you very much a good nourish I was scared