Rabbi Yaakov Salomon

hello everybody hello be friendly be friendly okay enough it's enough shane i like to tell a story very often about something that happened to me a few years ago uh i was asked to speak at the term missouri convention um this is about i don't know must be five years ago maybe more and uh it's a huge crowd in terms of a convention bigger than here big eighteen hundred people so as uh gracer keyboard my spot was shabbos afternoon two o'clock i wanna tell you what happened on that day maybe you heard already but it's worth listening again there were two people speaking that day myself and rabbi moshe weinberger my mosha weinberger was not the one from woodmere the one from flatbush tremendous thomas very special person he was speaking first this is what happened they introduce him he comes up to the podium and he says this i'm standing here today and i'm remembering my high school graduation i graduated from the great torah institution of the telstra yeshiva in wycliffe ohio at my high school graduation you know every high school graduation has a special prize it's called the valedictorian said i was not the valedictorian but i was the second prize the salutatorian i was sitting in the audience waiting to speak and first they called up the valedictorian somebody from my class we were 17 years old he got up at that graduation and he gave a drosha you wouldn't believe he was var fingers joining mach reigning svargas he was saying unbelievable pill i'm sitting in the audience thinking i can't do that well he's um i didn't even know he was such a time with hogan he's 17 years old he's tremendous what am i gonna do when he finished he said then it was my turn to go up so i got up and i did what i do best i told jokes everybody loved it he said i was murdering them you know what that means i was murdering them they were rolling in the aisles he's very funny by the way he's right everybody in the audience loved it of my my my comedy routine there's only one person in the entire hall who was not amused some of you can predict a very serious man he was sitting behind me he said i didn't realize that but he was not very happy with this in the middle of my speech he said he got up he walked over to me and he whispered in my ear and he said these words he said weinberger we expected more from you trauma we're going to speak a lot about trauma this weekend that was trauma he said oh my whole life these words are ringing in my ears weinberger we expected more from you okay then he gave his russia and he's a beautiful speech at the convention this is not finished not important then i got up to speak after him so i get up and i say you know i remember my high school graduation also i said i was not also the valedictorian that's true but i was not the salutatorian i was i don't even think i got a diploma they gave me one of these sheets you know come to the office tomorrow or something okay i said but i said i am standing here in front of eighteen hundred people and i see in the front row here is sitting my roof my muradasra for so many years with hill david's alzheimer's is going to be here soon he's sitting right in front and i'm looking at him and i'm thinking oh my only tv is that he shouldn't come up to me and say solomon we expected more from you but it's not over so i gave my speech very nice about an hour later three o'clock shabbos aft shabbos afternoon true story i'm walking in the lobby and in the lobby of the hotel at the other end of the lobby there he is for phil david i said oh now i'll get the review of my speech he comes towards me i come towards him and as he gets up to me he says to me don't worry uncle we didn't expect more from you oh yeah you know true story yes hard to believe you know i have to tell you it's a tremendous coverage for me to be here i uh rev gaddalia zangasund he uh i think he heard me speak a couple of months ago at the agora convention and he heard me speak about a certain topic and then when he called me and he said to me this topic that you spoke about at the convention this is what you should speak about here today i said life is about expectations we expected more from you we didn't expect more from you you all have expectations of yourselves of your kids of your families it's all about expectations i spoke there about marriage that's not what people are expecting here tonight he said that's okay speak about it anyway and i understood because i think what he meant was and understanding the things that we are all going through i think what he meant was challenges in life can bring out the best in a person and they can bring out the worst in a person that's what challenges do and it's the same with marriage when you have challenges in your family that can bring a husband and wife closer together and kalila it could drive you apart like nothing else and sometimes both if you have a strong bond with your mate it will make a big difference it'll make a big difference to you and in my opinion it can make a big difference to your children the stronger that bond is the greater your children more secure they will feel the more love in the house there will be and it can make a difference it's not direct it's indirect but in my experience whether it be 35 or 40 years or whatever it may be in my experience the indirect way is sometimes the best marriage is not what it used to be things have changed drastically i sit in my office and i hear people couples come in they discuss problems you know what they discuss they discuss old problems and they discuss new problems the old problems we all know the basic problems of marriage everybody is familiar with there are problems relationships are very complicated i don't have to tell you and people are dissatisfied in all different ways all problems are there but there are a lot of new problems are some of the new problems that we face that i see i'm just going to tell you three very quickly new problem money money is a new problem what do i mean the lack of money yeah that's the old problem too much money that's the new problem there are a lot of people not everyone of course but there's a lot of people with a lot of money let's face it and you know what it's not a free ride and it's not an easy ride those of you who don't have are thinking i'll take it we'll take that problem you understand but i see a lot of people with a lot of money who have a lot of problems what do you do with the money how do you spend the money suddenly it's a problem where do you go to vacation do you go where we always went or no no now we go to saint martin and we go to cancun and we go what do we do with the money what kind of car do we buy do we buy the tesla or the mercedes or the range rover or the chevy maybe we said do i have they're still chevy's i know there's a shuttle chevy that i know are they still shut how do you spend it what kind of car do you buy what kind of home do you have how do you furnish it where do you spend your money it's become a new problem another new problem the kids of course but not only in the kids that we're struggling with here today but in the way the kids become so spoiled as you know that's a whole other topic a different difference different situation and finally of course the cell phones in my opinion perhaps the biggest problem we have great wonderful thing we wouldn't rate it in for anything advancement progression technology wonderful we love progress but cell phones have become so much of a problem i don't have to tell you we don't even look at each other anymore they could sit there all night together on their phones texting whatsapping who knows what the problem with cell phones is much deeper it's not only that there's no interaction but something else happens believe it or not i've heard couples tell me we don't even need the relationship so much anymore do you know how many friends i have on my phone how many contacts how many likes i don't know what they're called anymore the the basis of the relationship is different now everything is just cast away so we have new problems but in my opinion new problems need old solutions i know you thought i was going to say something else new problems need old solutions the old solutions can work if they're applied properly but before i tell you about the old solutions you may notice that i brought up something here with me today i want to show it to you it's very interesting the most interesting is of course is the bag which is the shell station this is an advertisement for everybody those of you who know us yes shelter my wife is here thank you here i have a mug rip trimming to see the mug yeah and well it doesn't matter that it says fjj another plug i get thousands of dollars for doing these things by the way yeah this is my coffee mug it's the mug i use every day i was never much into coffee i'll tell you the truth once in a while but really not i look around everybody's drinking coffee coffee coffee all day all night one after the other and everybody's addicted what's going on with the coffee so after many many years i don't know how many years ago it was i finally gave in i said you know what i'll have coffee too all right so i tasted it the regular instant coffee i said it's a gun skit i started drinking coffee okay i have one coffee a day i learned in lutzkin lakewood every day 12 o'clock you'll see me there you can come we could schmooze there 12 o'clock i'm there take my out my mug this is the mug and i have my coffee it's good it's okay it's fine there's only one day a week that i don't have this coffee and that job is you see shabbos my dear wife she makes me the coffee she makes coffee for me i have it every shabbos morning i began to notice something you know the shabbos coffee tastes better than the coffee the rest of the week it really tasted better it wasn't my imagination and don't tell me was the kedusha chavez it tasted better so i said to my wife i said what's going on how how are you making this coffee so much better than mine she said it's just insane coffee so it's water with the coffee with the splenda and the milk i know it's it i know it's in there that's it i said that's not possible so one day i said you know what i'm gonna watch i'm gonna watch how she makes that i'm gonna study it because there must be something different she says okay you'll see it's nothing different she goes to the coffee she makes the coffee i'm standing there like this like a nudge and i'm watching you know standing there like that and looking looking at yeah she's she's looking back at me and she's finishes and she says you see nothing to it just like i told you it's the water and the coffee the water first and jabba's the water and the coffee the splenda the milk in the city i said no it's not true so what are you talking about that's all i did i said i watched very carefully you put in less coffee than i put in you also put in less splenda than i put in and you also put in less milk than i put in there were actually three different there was a fourth thing she stirred the coffee before she put the milk in isn't that fascinating aren't you glad you came to this convention so that when people will ask you what did you learn well first of all there was this nut up there told me about the coffee whose wife makes and shabbos i don't know what he was talking about anyway there were actually four differences in the way she made the coffee why is this relevant stay tuned the one thing i want to tell you about only one dakuda because i only have a few minutes the only one the coup that i want to tell you about marriage one little thing states there's a famous book the five love languages by gary chapman and i want you to know that i started using this very often in my office with couples and it makes a big difference it basically says one thing we all speak different languages what's important to you is not important to me that's all and if you can understand what's important to me and you'll be able to help me with that and i'll understand what's important with you we will connect better it's the most basic simple thing in the world and he says there are actually five languages acts of service what is that you know if if you uh you pick up something for your wife on the way home if you do something in the house if she finds something for you number two quality time what's quality time i don't know whatever you think quality time is sometimes it's just sitting on the couch doing nothing quality time words of affirmation very important gifts and physical touch five different languages words of affirmation are fascinating my good friend my colleague dr may wickler actually told me this he said he was working with a couple believe this this woman said she never heard a good word out of her husband nothing she never said anything nice to me so what did she do she finally got sick and tired of it so they were getting ready for a hasanah and she was getting dressed and she was waiting for him to say nothing to her she wrote out a sign and on the sign she wrote read this out loud you look beautiful and she gave it to him she got dressed and when she finished he took out the sign and this is what he did with it he read it he said quote read this sign you look beautiful and you put it down the fascinating thing about the story is that she told dr wickler she said to him you know what it felt good [Laughter] i wish i wasn't laughing it's very sad she said it felt good he said he read a sign and she felt good so desperate was this woman for any words of affirmation so desperate that she felt good that's how powerful it is find out what your spouse's language is talk about it if i'm gonna if i bring home flowers for you but she doesn't like flowers you haven't done anything but i bring flowers every shot what are you doing if i if i tell her if i tell him what uh what a wonderful husband he is but he doesn't care about that you've done nothing you need to meet you need to understand the language just that i ask you to look into it find out what your language is find out what your spouse's language is and start talking that language it will make all the difference in the world and your family will change your relationship will change your marriage will change it'll get stronger you'll feel better your kids will benefit now you'll ask so what's with the coffee what is that you see life is complicated coffee pretty simple right pretty simple but you know what everything has nuances everything the small things matter a little less splenda a little less coffee a little less milk it makes a difference but how are you gonna find out it's not so simple words of affirmation quality time physical touch gifts what what is it what's the language you're going to have to study it you have to lean over your wife while she makes the coffee and watch and watch every ingredient and see oh wait a second it's a little oh it's a little less oh i get it now and that's what makes the difference and when that makes a difference then you're going to speak that language and then you're going to be working on all cylinders that's my message to you my simple message to you about how to get your marriage on on track and let me just end before we introduce the the feature of of this whole this whole convention let me just end with one one final thought from my rebbe rough palm i remember him saying this more than once it's a lesson for life that i want to leave you with if you want to know how to build a relationship you want to know that you have a whole world that you have at home and you want to know how to build it you know how you know how to build the world ask the reboundish loyola how did he build the world so he said ravpam he said take a look how to abish to build the world when he was all finished building the world vayara ali kim is called looked at everything he made and he said you know what god's good really fake draft palm really that's what abrasive was doing he asks he said i i take a look he's taking a look at what he did he says you know what good job why is he doing that why is he giving himself the evaluation but even a greater question is was it really time well let's take a look the the first day he made the order light very good not so fast he made the ore that was so bright that it had to be put away into gnizal or asid lavoie for the tzadik it was too bright he had to change it the second day he made the mayan the miami mata you know what happened fights broke out uh oh my name was jealous he said why why can't i be on top you'll get yours you'll get you'll get your your your part there'll be there'll be malach that'll come for you there'll be different things in this third day fighter problems he creates a tree how's the tree supposed to be ate spree oyster pre it's supposed to taste the bark is supposed to taste like the fruit the tree did not cooperate i don't know what that means the tree didn't cooperate he said no good the fourth day you know the story of the fourth day the chemistry area they were supposed to be the same size the area got jealous he had to make it smaller fifth day comes he made the fish makes the fish makes the livios and the vessel too big gotta put it away sixth day comes adam and every day had problems let me ask you says rappam he was almost crying couldn't the amish to make the world perfect every day had to be problems he had to change every day the plan didn't work how is that possible and then at the end when he's all finished he says vahene toiv it's very good what listen to the aside and i let you go he says you know what of course abused could have made it perfect of course he could have he wanted to help you he wanted to help you to understand that when you build something and when you create something it may not work you may need plan b [Music] plan a is a good try even the amish that needed plan b and you may need plan b and you better be ready for it don't get discouraged when plan a doesn't work that's the way the world goes that's the way the world was created don't be discouraged move get ready change get to plan b you'll see it'll be better why are you saying what an important do you say i remember walking out of the schmooze rabbi reisman was there and he turns to me and he says you know if this plan b is so good we might as well start with it okay so my message to you tonight is that enjoy the coffee but watch it the little things count enjoy it take a look each ingredient as it goes in take notes be careful learn from it when you understand it you'll be able to speak each other's language well the coffee can be delicious and if it's not so good spill it out and have another one plan b but don't get caught up if you speak that language you'll be able to build that bias and be strong and everyone will flourish like i am thank you