Rabbi Shloime Ehrlich

i guess we'll start uh it's the second i'm setting up my phone this place shouldn't turn off on its own okay i guess we'll start today's topic we'll talk about the four questions your child wants to ask you i'll do it for them the reason i gave it this title is because really the children have way more than four questions but i was trying to uh compress it and to uh to make it easier to understand but first i want to quickly introduce myself for those who don't know me uh why why is this topic why why was i compelled to talk about this topic is because for the last 17 years or so i am dealing with teens mainly boys teenagers that are struggling trying to find themselves i have i work with them hands-on one-on-one we have many different programs that i do with them in muncie where i live so i'm out there i'm out there with the kids and i hear their questions and see what's going on in their so i think it's very important for all of us parents to understand what's happening in the mind of our child as much as we can to make it easier for us to know what to tell them but not to tell them how to connect to them and how to have a a better relationship the the most important part of these conversations that our children would want to have with us is the most difficult for them to actually reach out to us many of us feel that we have a relationship our child comes home from school even the kids the younger kids coming home to 10 year olds nine-year-olds boys and girls that coming from school and mommy asked them to talk to you how was your day oh it was great phenomenal yeah you test i had a test today yes it was amazing you got a 70 you got a 90 wow great amazing that's not a relationship we don't really know what's going on in their brain i was talking to a manal outside before there's someone that's manala big and i asked him how do you see the world now you're being a nile already for so many years why did you change did you change anything in the last season for highest 30 40 years he tells me one thing i could tell you when i go to shield shabbos the boys see me they come running and tell me oh this is my manal i said that's the greatest compliment you could get i didn't want to see my mana when in shabbos when it was enough when i saw him on my rebbe so if he that's that's that's what it is so really the relationship that we need to have that we want to have with our children have to be and we're trying it should be is much deeper than just the surface of high how was your day what's going on and even more so when we're dealing with our children that are struggling that are out there therefore i felt i feel that it's very important to understand there are certain things even if we feel close to them they're still not going to feel comfortable asking you or telling you so i was trying to put together the last the last couple of months of what would be the greatest the most important questions these boys would want to ask their parents and they just don't feel comfortable doing it so again kasha so that's what we i decided to put into the four questions the four manage standard questions i always say that on my shabbos table we have pace excited every single shabbos my children could ask questions every shabbos they could ask any time but shabbos by the meal would try caspering cashes all kinds of questions it's a very good time that's how we we connect our children that's how the yiddish guide is all about questions all about freight favors encourage questions but we need to understand there's always going to be certain questions that a child would not want to ask a parent even if they're very connected to them how many times do we have children say i had it ready once my my daughter came to me i need to talk to someone i have a few things i want to discuss i said sure i got something she didn't feel comfortable her therapist whoever it was came and told me what the questions were to me was like wow big deal but guess what i respected it i respected her privacy i respected what was important to her i think that these four questions that i'm going to enumerate now are the ones that are so important to them that if we are going to answer these questions before they even ask them before we even ask them oh yeah thank you there's someone showing me to put on the mic we need to answer these questions before they ask them that's that's basically what it is i just want to give a quick introduction the um you know in today's days we have these quotes running around everybody gets to the phone every day inspirational quotes there are many groups so you sign on and they send you i always think it's too many it's like give me one quote a good quote and let me sit on it let me live with it at least 24 hours let me live with it let it i want to absorb it i want to let it saturate let it get into my system but that's how it goes we keep on hearing quotes and here and there there was one quote that was circling around and it caught my attention and i'm living by it for the last couple of months and i want to share that with you and i think that that's what's going to help us understand the four questions and then ultimately the four answers the quote goes like this don't judge be curious simple don't judge be curious naturally we judge things we judge people around us we judge situations if someone came in and they look at you a certain way in our head we make assumptions if we make an assumption you just judged that person's action you judged your child comes home and says there's a new takuna in our heidi in our school we right away judge ah not allowed to wear this kind of sneaker really from now on let's not judge let's ask questions you pick up a phone he called the principal i am very curious why did you implement the new a new law a new rule in this this school most of the time you might agree with them you might say wow thank you for doing that but naturally we don't do that we grow up we constantly judge situations we judge people around us not after judging in favor of judging it's just we make assumptions and it becomes facts never let assumptions become facts our child behaves a certain way they do something they change a certain dress code the girl decides to come up with blue hair we make an assumption and we react right away to that assumption because we judged their action in a certain way and we usually are wrong you say i'm so curious to know why did you do that if we ask questions why we're inviting them to tell us or they'll listen to us so we'll be able to rationalize with them or at least we'll change our mind to say you know what okay i get it i see where she's living and where he's living in in the life and they they need to be given the opportunity to talk so the point is that if we ask we constantly ask questions of people around us our children anybody we are going to stop judging and we stop judging they'll ask us even more our relationship would get deeper and deeper children question number one that most of the that i was what i compiled what i think that most kids would want to ask us but they don't feel comfortable is why do you think you need to understand me from our perspective we think we need to understand our child we need to understand their journey we need to understand where they're heading to what do you do we need to understand them guess what they're they're made up from different things of you maybe they have your genes in certain parts they had a different life a whole world that they grew up in a very different kind of different friends different neighbors different natures they have a very different life and they're sometimes they tell us stop trying to figure out my life what do they want figure out how you could help me go through my life they want us to help them with their life now that we should try to understand what is it that they are struggling with why are they doing it we don't need to understand them and ultimately most of these kids tell me my parents are never gonna understand me so we need to get past that so what's the answer for that question that we we we have to initiate to say my dearest child i'm not trying to understand your journey i'm trying to understand how can i help you go through your journey and be curious ask questions so do you want me to answer you this time when you come home and you slam the doors or when you say you're coming from 10 o'clock and you walk into the house one o'clock and i can't sleep i'm waiting for you i don't know where you are you ask them a question do you understand we need to understand something very clear over here our children are not ready to invest any time to make us feel comfortable they're very selfish in that stage when they go through this phase in their life they're very very selfish they have their own life they see themselves and if we tell them i don't need to understand you i don't need to understand your journey i think it's gonna help them a lot they're gonna they're gonna say okay so this question is over their mind it's fine my parents don't need to understand me but they hear from me they're trying to help me they want to help me go through my life in the best way possibly go through my stages the second question that most of the kids i think would want to ask us and they can't tell it to us in our face why do you need to show me that you're hurt i want to tell you something most of the boys that i worked with in the last 15 20 years i'm going to tell you they are so in pain that we are in pain that the parents are in pain these are usually the kids that have very a lot of guilt in them i know their vocabulary the way they talk they say now i don't care again with them you know all these kind of they say but it's not true they are the ones that care the most they care so much that's why they fell out of the system that's why they were hurt when someone told them something wrong that's why they they have so much trauma them from different events that they went through in their life because they do care they do feel guilty we don't need to tell it to them and if we tell it to them or if we even hint it to them you're making me so much tired i can't take the pain you're giving us you know that tattie mom you're in so much pain but you just did you're gonna put on this you're gonna put on an earring you're gonna put on tattoo you know how much pain we're gonna be in do we really think this is going to change them or it's us needing to vent if we need to vent we need to have someone to talk to our children are never going to be on therapists they don't they know that you are hurt absolutely good news they know you're hurt they know every single thing they do when it hurts you and how much it hurts you but it hurts them so much that they're hurting you but they can't resist there's something in them that doesn't let them they need to go through this stage and there's something in their life that they need to go through not to feel alive they need to go bungee jumping or do or take drugs whatever it is that they're doing go go speeding and risk their life and they need to do it they're struggling with themselves they don't need us they need they don't need to carry us as well what they're saying is tati mommy i can't carry your pain as well they're not going to tell you they're in pain i mean most of them so the second question is why do you need to show me that you're hurt there's an old-fashioned thing in our life that we think that would tell someone ah so guilt is going to really help yeah this is going to make them it's not going to help it creates amazing creates and between us and them so what do we do we tell them if they asked us tati you heard about something you know if it does come out in conversation you say yes it is yes none of your business okay i i had you i'm ready to carry whatever it takes it's not about me it's about you i'm here for you i'm here to help you go through your journey it's not about me it's not about my hurt and if this comes into conversation as a by the way that you don't have to worry about my pain from your journey you know how much easier it is for them how much quicker they're going to go through their journey they have so much pain and so much guilt that we are suffering because of them number three the third question the takashi what's the third question are you comparing me to others i know what rents ran through most of you your mind when i said it i'm not sure i never compare my kids to others i understand that every child needs to be their own every don't shive it there's something much deeper in this question i find that most of the boys that i worked with throughout the years they always felt that they need to be compared to someone else with the older brother the older sister the better sister the neighbor's child in shul that guy's kids is much better than you and many times the kids make it up in their own mind they think that their parents comparing them to others but even that if we can help them and say you are you and say it again and again every time you have a conversation with them just make sure i don't need to compare you to anybody before they ask you this question just say it this should be part of your vernacular the part of what you have the way you talk to them you say i never in my life cared about other people how they are i never compared you i'm not trying to compare you you are you and every year there's a us on the side of a toyota and you don't need all the aussie's nose habitually to look the same we all know right every os the tories has another we are a one big sigh for toyota because everybody is different and we need to tell them again again you know the teenagers you need to tell them and forget we tell them again i told them already tell them again we all know the famous birth of a vehicle put on top of your heart not bilbao we say i'll live you put it on your heart you should put it on your hearts let him put a honey heart you put it in your heart it's just say bilvo but one of the sudden said you put it on the heart when the heart is closed you put on top of the heart again another vert another word one day the day that we're all waiting for the heart is going to open and everything we put in is going to fall in all the quotes are going to register everything's going to register that's a shame hopefully very soon by all of us but what are we trying to do we are trying to accumulate a system in the house in the relationship between the parents and the children where the children don't feel that my parents are my enemy my parents are not the ones that are trying to get me to like others my parents understand me i don't need to carry my carry my parents hurt i don't need to be compared to anybody else my parents don't even try to understand me all they're trying to do is help me help myself i think when we understand this message these three questions i think what's going to be we're going to come into a place where the relationship is going to speed up much faster and much deeper they're going to feel much easier to tell us things that bother them there's so many things bothering them that these are the three things that mamma's bothered them what's the fourth question i need to give a tiny introduction before i'm saying the fourth question yeah exactly that's exactly what i'm saying yes he wants to be yeah so is there any need to bring it up as a conversation or a positive conversation in [Music] you decide to be like your father and his father his part in the past assuming that he's okay he's suddenly he's working he's learning that he's just living his own exactly you see it's hard we could really talk after the ship but i'm trying to flow because it's recorded also no you have to wait you have to wait for it don't try to that's my suggestion no don't let it flow let them go through their stage and it's gonna happen what we need to do is give them tools and show them we're here for them and we're not here to we're not obviously we're not judging them and we're not trying to compare to others and we're not trying to to understand their journey what we're trying to tell them about what essentially what we're doing what we should do is give them the understanding that we are here to help them with their journey even if we don't understand it we don't need to understand we don't need to get into their brain it's okay that's what i'm saying i just want to say that when mushroomy when he was inaugurated quickly what is it sick and tired of talking about it exactly exactly they don't even want to talk about it so much was the first time when he met up when his first navy when when he spoke to the ibis that we all know was the snare one of the most interesting parts when mushrooming was called to when i'm super sharp he was telling him i want you to become the leader of claudia to go help me take the eden out of mitzrayim we know the snare absolutely take off your shoes there's many different reasons why did hashem take him to take off your shoes fine atmask it's a holy place you take off your shoes i get it but what's the message why was it written in the toilet in such a way that we need to understand what's happening here moishe rabbini was raised in by spadoi malchus then he married coin midian's daughter and hashem told him if you want to go out and help your brothers you need to feel the pebbles on the floor take off your shoe step number one you walk in the street without shoes feel it get into the blotter guide on the blotter it was first time in their most horrifying place where claudius was the first major trauma that we went through as a nation you need to take off your shoes you need to feel the mysteragen and the blood that is the only way you could really understand and start to become a leader for claudius that how much blood are we going in when we deal with our children they bring into our house so many blotters that we did not want to see in our house we didn't want to deal with this we wanted to create a house with his mamash you don't even feel the pebbles on the floor you want to have the most comfortable shoes so what is it hashem says i sent you on the shimala and i want you to deal with it take off your shoes go up isla rana the blotter together with them go into the mud feel the pebbles that's the only way you'll be able to help them that's the only way you'll be able to connect to them yes you want something why do you need to understand me correct i've had this reaction right okay that's very common that's good i mean she loves you she needs you but really what she's uh again we're not trying maybe at that time she felt like you're trying to invade her privacy or trying to get there but you're saying you go through you you are you're going through your journey i don't need to understand your journey but if there's anything i could do to help you i'm here for you that's it i don't think she'll reject that that's something that that they're gonna take from us you see i want to say something agadank we say every single day by davin the king of the world imagine if there was never such a thing as a king on planet earth if there were democracy from muda media until today there would never be a king there would never be such a concept where there is a person that's in power usually most of kings were narcissists that are trying to dictate and create power and wealth and everything that they wanted and the whole oil was was in their hands and they had all the abilities to give us and to take away from us if there wouldn't be such a concept as a koenig as a mailer would we ever say we would never use that phrase because it wouldn't exist what happens to so many kids today they never heard such things as melancholic how could they relate to that ovini malchini and what happens to a child theoretically speaking would be raised in a little town where there's only single mothers raising their kids alone and these kids would never be able to say ovini or malchini they don't know what a father is they never saw a father they go to haider and the rabbit says over there where does that come in so what happens if someone does know if such a thing is immediate but doesn't have enough information on me look fine we do know this in our history there's enough this is but what is the father essentially father mother if a child had a father that betrayed him hundred times in his life you think he could relate to hashem of inaudible his essence his whole being does not know about the word talk to mind that a father and a mother would go on fire for the kids without judging selflessly giving for the child a healthy mother a healthy father gives to the child we give them we give them for the second they're born the mothers give before they're born even before what are we doing we're giving them and giving them so now we could relate our father so what would be imagine if a human would be born on a tree like a like a like a frogt like a pider it would be such a thing that on trees we are all nine months hanging on a tree and then you come out and say okay i'm a human this tree gave me all my nurturing it gave leaves and watched me from the sun it brought up from from the earth the water and nutrients it gave me everything i need you come over that tree and you look around and you see this tree there's many other trees so someone created the whole world and you want to connect it at someone so what how would your broker look like the tree of all trees when we talk to hashem that way is the boy that's that's what we would say but because whatever tree was to me that that's what hashem is to me and this is not only the father and the mother this is the rebel kaider this is our menuhalam as many different psychologists used to say that our first god is our father our mother the first god is and if that wasn't perfect the person has a big issue being away for the rest of their life they're missing the understanding that you need to surrender to someone that cares for you that when your father your mother when we tell our child our six-year-old seven-year-old we tell them we're going out to the doctor if the child knows that the father and the mother are here for me forever the child trusts they surrender the mother said that's the best thing go take a shot okay they take a shot it's hard for them and they see how the mother cries but the mother says he still need to take the shot you still need to go to the doctor why we surrender to someone that cares for us that someone that takes care of us forever we need to surrender to hashem if we don't have a healthy surrender to our father mother our malamute our teacher our principal or many other people in our community that mean to us so much or if one of them betrayed us or if one of them violated us if one of them promised us something they're not going to do it i had two days of thinking i had two days ago that that comes to me from one of these sheets of money the 73 of the book the regular booker you should just hear their issues he tells me the manal hotzigazookt that by the end of the week if we learn this this amount is going to take us the trip this is the third time and it didn't follow through i called up the manal and i gave it to him over his head he's get out against a normal match i thought so because he's the one that's sending me he understands that the booker sometimes needs to talk to someone outside the achiever you have to hear his response he's lucky i wasn't near him i said you just this kid is going to have an issue connecting hashem also it's not conscious it's subconscious if someone was raised in a lifestyle where they're not they don't know such a concept that you could totally surrender to your caretaker which could be your tree kidding you can be the irish to your parents your father your mother your allah the web is out there for you you have an issue connected to hashem so sooner or later somehow our children have an issue relating to hashem so what's our job is to give them such selfless love and again and again and again people are asking me the whole time throughout this whole shops and every shop is that we're here when they like not have giving for my child for five years already and he's still in the basement still doesn't want to come out it doesn't see the world my child is still doing i'll tell you when they're gonna when they're gonna when their subconscious is going to heal when the subconscious is going to know that there is such a thing that someone could be 100 selfless and someone is here for me even if i'm embarrassing that someone my own parents and they're still here for me that's the moment we're waiting for that moment but it gives a click in their brain in shabbos majbesh we i don't know how many of you were there but i i said a story that right before it was bashert i spoke to the manaal of my sons of shiva and he told me a story he said i want to tell you soreness and i repeated the shabbos measurements i want to say it here it's quick he said like this he said he has an uncle that's a magazine and a yeshiva for many years his uncle's already already and he said that it was a boy a book at all that was impossible many ill 20 25 years ago and the manal throughout that the book of leftie shiva cut off his pious three of the couple the end of it this thing this manal tells me that his uncle was so hurt for that he called him up on friday and he wanted to tell him come to me ignore this phone call he called him again the next friday ignored this phone call his uncle called him 20 years every single friday he called he ignored this phone call 20 years later i'm not exact number 18 or 22 but a long time this booker changed this he was writing amanda was already he changed his life and he came back to hashem almost like a switch he said if that could be a mensch it should be so selfless 20 years this guy's children and anika and he's still calling me i know why he's calling i know what he's calling it clicked unfortunately it took 20 years there was one telebabacher of your book that worked in a nursing home and in that nursing home they were always trying to put together a minion they had like eight nine frima eaten over there and they always take so there was one fry eid whenever they asked if they came up to minion they used to get angry and scream at them and yell at them don't ask me again one day this book is rolling him back in his wheelchair to his room and asked him you don't want to come to darwin anymore we're not going to ask you why are you so angry he says let me tell you something open up my drawer he opens up the top drawer of his in his room there's a pair of film very old pair of film it says i want to tell you a story about this too you have to film all your life he says i was in the holocaust i was a very tall child mengele took my father to one side and sent me along although i was 12 years old he thought i was older he said he was in the barracks together with his father and his father was a elohit a polished and he wanted to put him on the film by his mitzvah he found out that the next building next barrack whatever it's called there's a yid over there that was just left and yet film hidden so he wanted to get that film to put it on for his son this ulti it says for me my father wanted me to put on film and he risked his life in the middle of the night he ran in the dark he said i was looking out of the window i guess the crack whatever it was and i saw my father go to the other side and he has the thrill and his pocket came running back and out walks the nazi and the nazi says jidak what are you doing outside at night what do you have in your pocket and he saw that film he said he shot my father killed my father my father wanted me to put out film and he got killed for that you think that's hashem you think i'm ever going to put on 20 you think i'm ever going to dive into my life and this says i'm sorry i will never ask you again i understand you it's way deeper than what we thought i'm sorry a few weeks later there was another there was a good friend with they became friends over there in the nursing home that he had your side and they couldn't find the 10th dominion so the bachelor went over to this to this yet and he said i would never ask you again but he's your friend you don't have to die just sit in the launch room you're gonna be you're doing him a favor not me come be the other saint of our minion he said i'll go but you're never asking me again i'll go he wheels him towards the launch room with the davening he says wheel me back to my room let's take my phone i'm going to put out film but this is the last time in my life i'm going ready i'll do it he put him on film for the first time in his life puts him on this film the seed was sitting there and he was crying like never before everybody left the raidiness crying mamas and then he told us to help him take off his film so this book asked him what happened this is something that we could take home he says i want to tell you something i was so stuck with the fact that my father got killed i was so angry at hashem i never took a moment to think how my father loved me so much for something that he believed in he wanted to do it for me he was ready to risk his life now i connected to my father the first time i was able to connect to the second part of the story for the next few weeks he put out film every single day and it was nifty right after that and his children came to the heaven and they said that this was the happiest time of father's life he died he died about shiva again it was achieved all his life he eat like this we don't judge this is something that we need to we want to get to a place that sometimes our children are so stuck on something we don't know what it is so we give them this unconditional we go again and again and again and again and again and again there is no time limit there's no expiration date we don't know how long it's going to take and guess what's not even our business we need to do our part it's a famous verse that said in many different names but i know it comes from the vagina because you got to do you don't have to accomplish you have to do yours we are doing our part and having said that the bashante said another says hashem is your shadow whatever you do your shadow does so machanto says whatever you do for something else for someone else's shaman that's a day you don't judge anybody hashem doesn't judge you we are doing for our children even if they're spiting us and doing again and again and again whatever they do all of us have different stories but aside of the shiva shabbat shadow and what do we do unconditional love patience and give you don't give in order to get results the results will come it's going to happen whatever it is it's just easier to do it if you don't not waiting for results do it because this is the right thing for a tattie mommy to do for the child i'm not saying it's easy i'm going to say it's i'm speaking now but i'm the same master i also have a child that i'm dealing with i'm not some so i'm coming to lecture people i live it and i deal with so many children like this and parents that deal with such children i know how hard it is i know what it's doing i know that it's destroying we wanted a total different showers table we wanted a different house we didn't want to bring in the blotter but guess what hashem says take off your shoes you want to be a leader you want to deal with your kids hashem gave you this the summer take of your shoes walk on the pebbles feel it that's the moment that we become our own motion albini the salvation the alphas are chemically but this is not the goal the goal is to be there for them and to put in all the questions we could and we don't need to wait for results it's just going to make our our journey easier and it's probably going to bring it faster because we're naturally going to say different words we're naturally going to react to them different if we're not waiting for results if we want them to change radiation they feel it these children usually they feel vibes from across the room these children are so in tune and this is the reason why they fell over the first time first place because they know if they ready if they teach you that with someone around them was a little bit of a hypocrite it wasn't sincere wasn't honest they smelled it from the other side they couldn't be makable from a magician one of the boko haram told me to make she what exactly did that do there was once a a study and it's a cereal and body land university they have a section where they train people they get people to stop smoking and they give them all the facts they have like big screens how long's look like it's like an eight-week process whatever it is 99 i don't know the exact number of people that go through that class never smoke again so they want to do a little study they took the teacher should smoke while he's doing it and i bet i smoke i'm telling you facts he was telling them the whole fact and showing them the zell bazaar that hundreds of people have quit smoking he smoked there was mamash i don't know the numbers but it was a tiny percent of the class actually stopped smoking why is that is it facts after all the facts after all the facts if the teacher that's teaching it to me is niche act doesn't really mean it it's not going to go it's not logical it doesn't make sense because it's logic logic somebody teaches an idiot but he's smoking he's ruining his logs he wants to die early fine and all the the facts that he was told no it's not going to go even for adults whenever we talk about the little kids culture even more so little children teenagers the kite the emma's kite is the greatest thing i remember the times when i grew up homicide to finish they showed me have to finish when i grew up 100 years ago okay it was definitely a different world there was this whole idea of respect of parents the children the whole idea was we weren't allowed to know my mother's name or their age hazel shulam or you remember those it was because they felt the only way they could help you and connect to you is if you i mean to raise you if you have respect and although we can respect someone if you're not close enough to them finish them as anymore our children today all the shamans from today's generation they want the real truth the emma's the emma's the endless machine levisham nothing they want to know exactly if i could tell my child and i always do it i share with them my shortcomings it doesn't take away their respect they respect me even more tati's human mom is human yeah i'd have to spell out to him every every await i have and every thought i have but if i had a shortcoming of his i yelled at someone on the phone and i told my kids i shouldn't have yelled at a guy was really not good that's not something to do but there was a reason why i was upset at that person what's wrong with that now tati is perfect tati is perfect mommy is perfect the magic is perfect one of the book told me that his magazine talks to him this book is a is a real feeler he's a you know these thinkers feelers he's a real feeling an emotional driven being in the shiva he's naturally being bullied on a daily basis smart kid everything but he's just a feeler and he and he tells me that this market always tells him that he says this magnitude is the biggest carson in the whole system you always if this market she would have cycled he's a seven year old i don't have all these but if it would be me i would say yeah ichabo struggled with them i still struggle with it i'm much better i'm older than you so i worked on it a lot this is the work the things that worked for me this didn't work for me i want to help you get over it all of us have to work on something you think he would respect me less clownish they want to see us natural they want to see us real they want to see that we are also struggling with something it in other words they want the real truth they want it to be tell it to me the way it is don't fake to me yeah what's the fourth question the fourth question good that's that's the most important question yes i'll summarize it i want to say the first question then i'll summarize the street the fade akashi is would you ever forgive me can you forgive me now while i'm still hurting you can i have an open rain check open check that every single time until i finish my journey i'm going to be hurting you so many times can you forgive me now as we said before these are the children that are so in tune and so real and so guilty and so they have all these emotions and everything that's in them this is one of the greatest blockages from moving on you know the spiral the the the gal galactic the wheel that keeps on coming back if someone feels guilty for doing something they're in a bad mood and they're in a bad mood they're going to end up doing something wrong again so when does it end when you stop feeling guilty if we tell our children as by the way it's always all these questions all these answers by the way it's not like i'm sure you have this question i want to tell you no don't do that just bring in these four concepts and you say i forgive you schaefer they need to hear it from us as many times as us men need to tell their wives i'm sorry this is alba the same amount of times i'm sorry came up late i'm sorry you're right i'm sorry you're right i'm sorry you're right and we mean it by the way the men mean it this is this is the as many times as they need to hear from us i forgive you they know they're hurting us it's not a question they're hurting us or not and as we said before we don't need to tell them that they're hurting us we don't need we're not even allowed to hint to them that they're hurting us so the last question is the main things that they need to know if they know it and they feel it my parents forgive me they hear from me they understand that this is my journey they're here to help me they're not here to understand me but they're here to help me go through my journey and they even forgive me in other words they love me anyway unconditional love they forgive me for hurting them and they know i'm going to hurt them again because i'm still in that spiral that teenage spiral this is going to help them get over it so much faster and so much easier and this is the question that they want to ask us a hundred times a day tati please forgive me they're not gonna tell it to you some of us are lucky we get it once or three months if we're lucky but really every single thing they do i have this girl that's walking around she comes from such a shiny book and i don't really don't like that word but we'd say a prestigious per family in that community and this girl walks out with a miniskirt and mama she doesn't know she doesn't know that her mother is can't take it she doesn't know that she's hurting the whole family and her sisters in school are ashamed to tell their friends that this is my they don't know they know all of this you think they don't feel hurt that they're hurting you they can't resist a raccoon loves fish and monster wear raccoons and what are they you want to catch a raccoon you put out the trap you put inside a can of tuna this camera as you can see people have cameras in the house they see the raccoon walking around and crying he knows he's going to be caught when he goes in there but he can't resist because he needs the fish he goes in there he eats it up and then he gets angry but too late he's in his trap an animal cannot resist their temptations he knows he's going to be caught up in a person could what is the bahama the behind is the nepa is the emotional system in the physical system from us when our children are going through this stage then the shum apart their part is sleeping at that time they can't resist they know they're doing wrong they're they're beating themselves up every day most of them are not going to forgive us to tell us that this is what they're doing when they go to bed it hurts them this why did i have to do this again so they go through that pain the whole time why did i have to hurt my parents again it mama hurts them that they're hurting us but they can't resist at this time their never shall behave is warped it's it's very powerful and it's telling them to just get into that cage again never tell your kids i told you so i'm gonna end with that never tell the kids i told you so and just the four questions again someone asked me to say it again our child would want to ask us why do you need to understand me trust me trust my journey number one number two why do you need to show me that you are hurt it makes my cycle a much longer journey it hurts me don't need to hint to me that you're hurt number three why do you need to compare me to others in other words constantly tell me that you understand that i'm an individual i'm not just a number i'm a child number six in the family you're my ben you're my boss and every child has their own journey i'm never comparing it to someone else we have to constantly throw these words into the conversations i'm not comparing number four i forgive you i forgive you now i'm gonna forgive you even what you're going to do and i'm always here for you and absolutely back to us he sees the way we what we do for our kids he should do for us