Rabbi Shimon Russell - The Essence of Shalom Bayis; The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Child

Shalom Aleichem everybody it's a pleasure to be back it's a physic for all of us I think presenting is a physic that there are so many people who want to hear the world has changed in the last 15 20 years 20 years ago could have imagined such a setting as this with honesty and humility to do what we can to help our children it's an unbelievable kiddush Hashem in my humble opinion and we're all here together through has a key chaplains on labels to help in that this weekend the Shabbos will turn into a tremendous physical of us and that will translate in tremendous Yeshua's for all our children this Russia Adam is a little late you know sometimes the speaker comes late this is last year's Russia that we didn't have time for so I'm not sure I've ever been quite so late in delivering a rush of it we felt at the time it was too harsh of - to just do it quickly this is too important this Indian this nicer there is no greater gift we give our children than the love you give your spouse there's no such thing with all that our undertook fullest everything we try everything we learn everything we do of your sudd there is no greater gift we can give than the true love the true Ahava that we give to our spouse that do we develop in our marriage that is the bosses every Shalom bias Russia you know talks about the who Sheba's and it that it's the Gateway to everything it's the Gateway to a vadas a sham it's the Gateway to building our families our children it's the gateway to everything else and be fraught with our children there is no greater gift but we need to take this very very seriously because we're so busy you know putting the doggish on fixing the crazy kids you know let's go fix them you know how about fixing the crazy ourselves because that's that's the Paris of taking care of ourselves I absolutely guarantee you to greater Paris I may have a great harsh war and a longer more meaningful deeper hash for that any possible intervention even something that IVs gonna come up with this gonna be so passionate so amazing such a bomb he's gonna drop from somewhere I think some of you know what we're talking about here right Albert with all that this is a greater bomb this is it this is this is the real thing I hope to be able to walk us through this to understand this this we talked last time if you remember about safety secure scene and sooth about attachment by now I imagine Davi sent out thousand clips with pieces of what we said well Bucky ultimen safe secure scene and soothed oh but this leads to bad shown bias however when each Lee ish the leads to that you can't do that without this it's not you know it's like when I go into schools and the schools always asked me you know they once like copy techniques they always want give me a technique that all the kids will just like basically shut up and listen you know the old learn and they'll be committed and I tried to explain to them all the time it's an Amish nothing to do with technique it's to do with your relationship with the children children feel you love them and you're there with them and you relate to them and understand where they're at not where you want them to be then they show it from you they can hear you bosses of all of this is all nice and in fact the whole Sookie of resilience as we will see at the end emits a Shem up to tie it in and help everyone understand and explain it that the suit give of resilience comes from derives from and is nurtured from this place of Sean box of have been Easter this is where it comes from so this is the aside how you say this this is it this is the of everything else is told us this is this is the key marriage is a vehicle most people you ask young people why'd you get married he asked young people tried to get married please my mother thought I should go the show was time you ask a boy in you know and achievement like he want to get anything his time my friends are getting married I guess I should get married they have this amazingly deep philosophical understanding of marriage and then you get the ones through ha ha me well the boys is like what am I going to I got my talents like a tables I got do some my tables you know what a husband the lack of Havanna this taught our children to understand this because we don't have it claw we had a core they would see the dogma bus is what is marriage is a vehicle versus a vehicle imagine math of a diamond young man go to school graduates eventually during his years in school he sees all the time on the way to school that successful people hurrying to work you know he thinks this is this one immature mind you know they polished the you nicely shoes a polished it looked very nice they go down the subway they go to work briefcases newspaper they look successful he wants to be with the successful people come today he graduated school and he goes this is their D borrows a briefcase of his brother and he polishes the shoes all night long when he gets an old suit this is the I can move the successful people it follows them they go down the subway it comes to the toll booth the ticket move there and the man says ok so where you going it's I don't know I'm with them wherever they come you know just give me a ticket where there everyone's been different places like where you going I I don't know I just Pope I want to be with them the successful people I need look some business sugar what are you crazy and they push him out the way and everyone goes to work and he's standing like a lemon ah if you want to go on a journey you got to know where you're going where are you going with your marriage what is the task list of your marriage where is it taking your wine how are you gonna get that good of a picture we don't just get married there's a reason and purpose and I children me to feel this from us maybe see it and experience it feel it the tragedy of the world around us replace our were affected by it we live in a world the secular world around us where marriages is is being devastated we're living in a world today in the Western world where most people the majority of all people will never be married to the same person for 10 years most marriages are in the west of the world today are dissolved the majority within 10 years people cannot maintain 10 years of a marriage we get affected by this I was once in a doctor's office fascinating and I saw a secular rag magazines Psychology Today you know is interesting I figured I saw on the front cover ten ways to improve your marriage so I couldn't resist it Pasha couldn't resist it so I opened up the magazine take a look ten ways the column of the secular world are gonna guide us and advise us marvelous how to have good marriage so I think was number seven or eight state consider being away from each other more you need your own time your own space this is the haha meme from the gaya chicag consider being away more it's much sugar and yet in a certain way we're also a bit on the sugar because we don't sit and analyze and think what am i doing my marriage how many of us have sat down I don't mean what am I gonna do I'm not gonna fight what am i doing my marriage don't II was just sat down and seriously fought I got married why what's it for am i doing with it I was once there was once a dash of a tongue and they asked us an interesting question I was talking or shabbos about tarot psychology so some bright spark challenged me and said Mary Russell what if you keep told my terrorist psychology so what's the difference between between secular psychology and tarot psychology had yet mag there the difference was their eyes in the question Roxie after the schmeyer the following thoughts came to my head is nageire to us I said like this secular psychology seeks to help a person be the happiest most fulfilled person you could possibly be while causing the least harm to everyone around you this is the tactless of secular psychology you should be happy fulfilled because the least harm to everyone around it would to you your wife your husband or how to handle all the problems of the key is me Tyra psychology I would suggest is how do I become the ultimate native to everyone around me while preserving the ability to be happy and fulfilled Obama my focus has to be on everyone else not me not my ego my needs Avada I have to do it in a way that's healthy and gesund so I preserve my ability to be happy and fulfilled I'm because initiative doggish the dog issues how do I become a mate if to everybody else that's Tori psychology and in the framework of a term marriage that's the doggish that's the lacunae most people when they get married it's for what I can get out of it they're fantasizing projecting what am I gonna get from this marriage yeah whose money these stupid things forgive me but it's yeah I sit you know in comparison I don't mean oestrus all matter what I mean is I hope you understand it's it's about not what I get it's about what I can give it's about what I can do with myself it's the point of my marriage it's a fascinating tomorrow this gets a little um dish I the ladies will forgive me if I lose you I hope I don't but just you know the men neither Bissell tailor or we lose they start falling asleep you know okay they start falling asleep so we have the mistletoe to wake up the men I think the ladies will follow just fine but oh okay perfect Kamiya says like this and won't say to you do it I buy my own kind in your tears are glad yokes at Baskerville Mary's Bass play kneel upon you 40 days before it's mic Lakers I'm gonna go with conception forty days before the the moment of conception it's much like this but I'd like to name on that shot a bicycle goes out to sham I am and says bass play Nene look blind everyone knows this tomorrow they said over my share of rockers Lonnie is not you no one has a clue what it means and no one's ever analyzed it at all I'll show you let me break it down I by the unkindness of my first of all bass call yes of a mess butter jelly money available what's the point to this bicycle anyone ever hear other than someone saying in addition ever brothers did you hear the bass cop so what's the point of us go over that's the easy question the basket comes out before these days before conceptionist says fast pony the daughter of plainy will marry climbing began it was thought you still with me right okay so forty days before the conception of whom does Abascal go out and say the thoughts of this one is going to marry that one whose conception the girl or the boy to taste us asked the question that Isis says is done with the boy because there was probably older than the girl which is pretty much the min ago lon so therefore we can now analyze Harris for these days before the conception of this boy that Vasco goes out and says bass plane II will marry plane e that means this uncle sieved boy forty days and now he's going to be conceived yeah let's follow but by me I'm kinda mute serious have allowed forty days before you sit we're going with conception a Basco goes out and tells us the daughter of someone else yong-chol is gonna marry this boy who will be conceived in 40 days from now we're still with it yeah let's play this out a possibility I'm not saying has to be this with us a possibility of what we're talking about just so we can understand the the profundity of this Gemara young couple they can read each other let's say if you don't mind we'll start with that lead to the show is that okay hope so okay so this boy is 23 let's say and you get surrender Shiva 19 year old girl he's in brisk she's in BJJ sounds all very good they get ready should if they come home page Affairs my name it's good they meet two three times a let's go bald they're gonna get married like by me okay so now 40 days before let's say there's a her to conceive Leo Rishon of the Kastner they conceived okay she conceives never the right she has a conception is 14 days before the conception that's about when I think we passed the date already no bro same thing right 40 days before like Bowman we already passed that was somewhere like before Payson that's when they met right so 40 days before Pesach when they met they already had a shiver for their son we with this their son has a shiver because 40 days from now they're gonna get married like bimah and they've rushing this thing through equations wrong it's the dates the holes it's just hard to find holes or a boy say so they found the hole whatever just the Baba's York site saying that kids so the kids are 40 days before was already before pacer this couple meet and they've already in Shu maíam conceived a son and super pastor this son is a for the daughter of someone else and a less fearful that's why got who's the daughter here who's the caller to this boy that's not conceived yet who's the Karma turns out the Kallen is the oldest daughter and oldest child of a young couple she's their first and she was also magically conceived first night they got married so let's think where if her father a mother today so the fart the boy her husband's parents he's 23 she's 19 let's say the girls three years younger so that would be the boy is 2021 the father of the girl we with it how old is the the wife we're falling here she's about 16 17 in fact this couple with me they'll both get thrown out of school they never get a sugar meanwhile I'm belong to them in shin myeon they're married have a doctor who has a sugar a bath Colgate diamond says last point in the planning this could another thing this has to be do you understand I'm just saying a possibility of what is included in this basura thoba is this story why it's an unbelievable thing Oh miniature Mayan is good Drazen exactly who you're gonna marry emission right before conception it's all worked out why because the Civic is gonna bring you absolutely unique challenges the only hakodesh sparkle in his infinite wisdom could possibly have worked out how to give you that balance of goodness and hardness and love and difficulties and struggles in the series the home is ERG the guarantees you achieve your tactless in this world what is Lamar let me not ever thus it's supernatural Chrissy I'm surprised it's like moving to LA gomez like it's all lamella not ever because that person you get contains within them such a unique perfection of the balance of the good and the bad to force you to work on yourself the only neighbors that could work that out so I can't even go work that they have see after the schmeyer to pull into this maybe they hear the bass call Parker we thought if you hear the bass call the real bass call is the voice of your own neshama that tells you this is my devil myth a la probe lemon with everything that I'm challenged with this is my syllable that's the Bosco and if we listen deeply the neshamah if you listen deeply inside you can hear it and you can know the truth we have to embrace that truth marriage has two goals what's the purpose of marriage there are two purposes in marriage I'm not too mad the Rambam they just received earth to bring in children the world would say the collision took a tactless of marriage is dodd Cabaye through marriage Srilanka bite the drake has been Ashley each day the difficulty to work had to be my bottle myself to overcome my ego to get rid of me to get me out the way in order to have the marriage work properly they have to get me out of the way because what gets in the way is only me and that teaches me dunka boy that teaches me to my battle myself to be dogged with I wish them the taslitz of marriage brings me it's the Aiza it's the greatest days I've ever had to bring me to take us by a spark to connect to a punishment because the only thing that stops me connecting to the rabbi nationalism is me is my ego my self-centeredness and that's what gets annoyed if I get that out of the way I can connect to a reminder shillelagh and you can't have a good marriage unless you get yourself out of the way because the only thing that gets in the way of a good marriage is yourself self-centered needs I need this my ulcer freaking kind with you that's what gets in the way so the work of marriage to overcome that's the primary goal of marriage is to get me out of the way and through that I learned of caballo through that I can come to Vegas to Rivini shillelagh and the second purpose of marriage is tequila - it's the greatest possibility to do tequila me this is marriage there is no muscle seder on earth or Moses safer there is as profound as looking your spouse in the I humbly and saying I was wrong I was wrong but I hurt you I'm so ashamed embarrassed I hurt you there is no Moses Aidan almost the same for the continues of that place of humility honesty painful awareness I got in the way I allowed myself to get in the way and I hurt you marriage is the dual tactless of two kilometers and Vegas boys but it's the holy vehicle of our lives it's what out it's what we were born for it's the I by me oh you guys even see us I'm glad they just don't put it all together with this unique matter that's gonna be mobile that's gonna take me to the AVA stir the inner Purusha everything else is just a parish on this this is the heart this is the Assad if we don't see this vehicle where we going where are we going what are we doing all the Mauritian was created do parts of it under my regime was both man and woman he was the tactless of schlemm's right he had the man and the lady on the other side he was the absolute tackler sir she is the perfection of the Bria where man a woman have a cussing Gunson totaled waker so much so they go below beyond schliemann's they've asked us there one and a mr. Sedley tobias are talking about that's not good to be one to be one like that you're alone like that that's not good you know why cuz you can't work on yourself like that it took him apart he's separated and then sit go work it out go work out how to do your debeikis go work out how to connect again and everything in marriage is bringing person back to the matter of our deliberation that we should be this ultimate Vegas husband and wife and work out how to get everything out the way so we can be double with each other and they wish to took all the Mauritian the science thank you now mankind go on this journey work it out find out how to do it you see the cherem is afraid to call a shield kinda share she is polish a collision what is Europe can't read sure sure the translator can read it ah it's a love song a poetic and then in the language is a as a poet why this example to show us the highest level of kedusha of the makers base part the highest level of acres with a college park of cloudless old Vegas with RM is shown through language of intimacy and closeness between husband and wife because that is the ultimate Vegas comes from there you can't get higher Ziya cottage says mushara base I'm English from the after base by base on McClure's where did sea otter dish Maya come to cry so bill approve him and the problem we're facing each other the sea otters might came down dispersed to all of Carla so Misha Horeb a salmon fish amazing fish as husband a wife her together unbelievable thing in the secular world this the best most profane thing on earth in our world thus is kinda shocked edition it brings the strainer down and sends it to your family it sends the screen into your children when husband a wife could work out how to be done look together in sensitive caring loving kind totally focused on each other and get yourself out of the way and all the hush paws come to your family from there like I said everything else is talk will not serve us that's the ego that's the foundation and it's a very sad thing it's not easy Shrek left imagine you know there's our lockers fascinating huh lockers is how losses like loose is going to give an example lerka thought this is the come on we shouldn't have katate we should be fighting so good as I would head to Connors that we shouldn't fight with each other they should be Shalom between people's as various high losses have a to condom than their because of Shalom see you find baguette it's a strange thing we get is the miss better than shroom ayam is yella demas siarad the mouse it should be the other way around there was katate the husband and wife were fighting they weren't able to work out the Shalom they didn't have the cfd schmeyer didn't work happens but they didn't find one of the other of the Seattle issue I had to make it work it just didn't happen and they had katate they found so either our but they did what the Torah says and they give a gift and they move on and try and find a life without katate without fighting so the MS bear should be dancing or akedan not come she come out down so they box Ram is less katate in the world go find happiness what surface is yard the most I think Chad is passion it's the last opportunity it's the last opportunity because in that I vying Yom kinda be serious a flood leak the opportunity to find the ultimate lamest ultimate of acres and it's only in as if oak and it's dark of them is bad that we mckerrod ourselves through buying a shalom through them is bad because it's all about curvature a bi-national and that's something to cry about that said the opportunity that was lost about them let's cut autumn makes sense of lost opportunity that's the sadness because the whole task list of the marriage is this people that's me I have to get rid of myself I have to understand I've got a big fat ego and it's always getting in the way so it's prov ring for me don't need two types of people who don't have this problem you should know with ego they are liars and deniers all the rest of us we have the problem one way or another and the evader the journey of the marriage is to schlep us through life getting rid of that by giving to someone else by putting someone else first that's how you get rid of it imagine those poor Mina shamaya where you bring to your children your family if you could bring this into your student if this is what your children grow with and we'll show you later how profound this really is years ago I gave it to Russia and Lakewood I went to my review before my forever let's see oh she's no fooling me and I told her I want to give it to Russia the title of the Dasha is this men and women were made by Rebbe initial alum not to get along naturally this is the title of the Russia you look to me said a little bit extreme Russian do you think extreme no I think it's true there's nobody I said no nobody he said to me I'm sitting right next to me I said no it's unnatural men and women do not get along naturally they wish them made it that way so we do the work taking a medicine make a spice plan he looked to me said really you really think nobody and I said I absolutely know it's true nobody close designs thought for a minute yeah yeah yeah yeah nobody I would tell you're by sight I gave this Russia my and those days I had an answer machine I don't have a mnemonic a little bit with an antigen it was full every day every time I got a cleaned up as forward people who resonated to that message they told me in their lives had never considered this truth but it was it resonated so deeply to the eylem men and women were made by a bi-national item that we do not get along naturally we can get along don't get too upset don't bring out the tissues it's okay we can get along some of the ladies are thinking of leaving the men left but it's a fact we don't get along naturally it's unnerve later on I found the morale rather that says it by the way later on I found in my round bye-bye is a connector she's a nazar by being connected she's opposite him it's through the opposition to him that she helps him and that's how the whole thing works but it's unnatural he says all TV is awash and all t buy things in the core area but he says data I found the lotion later on this talk of supernatural men and women do not get along natural and that's a gift we have to see that let me explain how that works explain that sukhiya we don't get along naturally I want to say a needle in the CUDA to start with it's very adel in the kuda I don't want to cross any boundaries of offending anyone I'm gonna mention a little tiny piece about intimacy will tell you that I discussed this with good olya soil son rebus principle of a notion parabolas this is true of course and I'm not going to speak about any praten but a concept if I say what I'm about to say if anyone feels a little bit offended or you felt I could say this in a better way a more Adel way I would definitely appreciate if you don't walk out mumbling about me and just come and tell me how I could have said it better I'd appreciate that we're all mature people here so there are four reasons why and my humble opinion men and women do not get along naturally for reasons I'll give you master what they are the first you see the first is about the different physical needs in the way that a beshte made men and women because they wish to made men you know it's pakir my men so there's a muscle of timeless notion notion don't have a reciprocal muscle of thymus and motion no there's no reciprocal level of Tyva that exists amenda men struggle with pious notion there's no reciprocal same level of time astonish invasion no such thing and he shaped chukar say no wow people caring and protection and kindness it's not the same there's not the level of pasha haver that exists by men does not exist by notion and its causes cause problems causes problems because for most men in the journey through their marriage especially in the early years of their marriages is an experience of you know the needs not being met enough should I say I must be polite by noshing is an experience of needs a too much requested nauseam no the experience of I got a headache not in the mood tired and it creates a dissonance between husband and wife an inevitable dissonance between the husband and wife where there's an image and even you know it would be their suggestions in Halawa Gemara care doer of man and frequency and all these kind of things in the sugi of physical intimacy avila miser is not a hard fact of what ya Dinesh and I beside leaves men often feeling rejected disappointed hurt every man knows that experience or an issue feeling pressured guilted also pressured my favors to me is what it favors to do this to us why didn't he give us the same needs and feelings and desires so which Tim are you long SAT upon it they wish to create in the world to Hess it with us wouldn't that have been a convenient method if he'd like steamed it for us or maybe no one should have any needs at all and it's just there's no need just a cold you know cut and dry mitzvahs as man the shear without needs involved they were goes to make it easier they used to gave us these needs why if a limb has hit upon the wine why do you create that dissonance that struggle that conflict subtle sometimes and less subtle other times why it's out because he guarantees we have to work on ourselves it creates a matter of sensitivity and tuning in where you have to tune in you have to be sensitive you have to put your own needs aside for the other person you have to put your ego aside your knees you have to put it in a cyan't take it under control and not be a baby but control it to respect and love and show that caring to the other side establish to gave us this dissonance this imbalance as a minority gift that's if we know this one that's if we know where we're going as if we know there's a vehicle that's taking us somewhere so then we reorient towards this gift as an opportunity for us it becomes like it's like a gym you know if a Martian arrived you know from Mars and he saw Jim he think these people are meant you know he works out after a while they're paying money big money to go into this funny room strap themselves to all common a machines and then grown in misery in pain the Martian would look Meshuga these Earthlings they crazy they're paying a commodity called money that's very important to them a lot of it to go in and make themselves miserable what are they doing we look like a modern or cook equally strange was B if you went into a gym and paid a lot of money then you start and they've run over to you the people run this your old quick take off a few pounds there yeah I see that's too hard for you until you can oh yeah that's okay that's fine that's right that's good now sugar L of us every bone mavin understands that the resistance of the machines that causes the sweating and the work is exactly why you're mayor this world drug Boise is a home gym your marriage is the best machine you'll ever buy in any gym with perfect resistance [Music] sorry it got a headache that's perfect resistance none the rush I'll explain how to handle that it is a hazard from the a mr. to create that dissonance and it never goes away it's always really there and it shafts such a beautiful opportunity for all of us to the housing ourselves and work on a mythos and character personnel is management gift from rabbi initial island that's reason number one we don't get along naturally reason number two everybody knows but I want to be Merv I anyway reason number two men who you do the family anyone has read the men are from Mars Women are from Venus the first the original book was a very very good book and he said the basic Assad personally I hate him I wish I'd written the book I didn't finish the muzzle he made millions of dollars over there it is it's a wonderful book and in there he explains that men are primarily outcome oriented and nauseum rubadoux Kula our primarily process-oriented now that does not mean that notion do not like outcome they do they do they just love the process by not sure the process of life is as much life itself as the outcome of life my men the process is driving me correctly the book was written for nauseam it's a fascinating mistake he made he wrote the book for women i guess he assumed not me women were gonna read it because each time he says he Assad he gives five or six examples of the same Assad that's process women love that they could read again and again and again no prob they could hear this Russia tomorrow again they don't turn up a promise you the men are barely stained you say it he gave one example of she would never give a second example for I got a cop to move on move on it's dragging striking that's what they're feeling already they're laughing they know I'm right see they've barely began looking at their watches give you a Marshall a young couple this young couple is Shiva she young couple they moved out to Salt Lake at Merritt beautiful couple they learning coil many years first you know four or five years they come home for pacer the parents bring them in and five six years into the marriage their parents have small arms they made many more fasteners so they come up with an iron file they really don't have room there's a couple already have three little kids and there was talk of maybe staying and making their own pacer so the parents both sides discuss it's okay if you want to make your own pacer you know anyway it's hard with the rooms and everything else we'll give you money make your own Paisley took a Baltic they want to bring they want to bring one night boy is you know probably trooper boys second night not being Valley trooper girls and we can all dig they'll make a kiddush Hashem this thing for peso parrots a small cobalt and it was the first place of everyone knows pace of his niche pocket organizing pacer so they get there tried to get the pace of organized and they're running very late they have a four year old they have a two-year-old she's nursing they got a little baby it's a mats of over there the kids and he's running around clueless about what to do she at least helped her mother so she has a mousou he was always in you see there's no clue pacer you know what you meant to do she is too thick she's nursing she's taking it they're up to two kids and she's giving him instructions from the bedroom what to do you know and they're working it out the kids are they're pretty close there's not much room here to solve the closets the cabinets they stopped the Hammad's Kaelin under the sink they seal it up with duct tape she of course goes back with duct tape he has no clue what it is women always know about duct tape men really should know this women always have as a role somewhere just in case anyway so she's got the duct tape she says you know she seals it up is good and mice of the sink is now forward there inserts is full of Kanan she has to make her suitor she hasn't even started yet late in the afternoon when he announces she's in the bedroom nursing and he announces I think there's water dripping out from the cabinet under the sink there's water he's trying to wash the dishes there's water she said you're probably splashing over the top he says no no I can tell you it's coming out I see it the duct tape is beginning to peel I think of vault she tubs in a moment you master stuff too many calum in the bottom and it moved the you thing under there and him got weak right and there's water coming out she says what should I do what does any man say what should I do she says first you calm down calm down we're gonna make pace it's gonna be fine take all the kale amount well I should think commonalities after this Miley so far this guy's a brisket guy he's gonna burn in hell any moment now he's taking comments Kayla melt anyway the kids so she says take a bath towel put it on the floor put the calum on the bath towel we'll clean up your okay fine he's got the Kayla mouth now what do I do she says take a look see if it's from yes it's loose it's dripping okay dry it off dry it off take some dump okay wrap some duct tape around it put the stuff back in it'll be fine and then she says but he doesn't hear I take my hair dryer dry it off because the back paint is not gonna stick this is not a nice fine I won't did it with paper to take the hair dry paper towels is fine kid said he duck takes it he puts the thing toast with it drips he has to take it all out again he's lying in the cabinet under now he's lying in there with a hair dryer drying the you tube under yet forget this picture on his back on the floor with his back on the cabinet trying to drive this ethnicity and as he does he notices out of his peripheral vision the foyer open to your honor playing hide and seek with let's see if we can hide the hum it's Calum around the house so he sees notices though and right away lifts his head to tell him not to the waxes hair on top of the cabinet and he starts screaming and she say watch what's going on she's still in the bedroom nursing the kids the kalyan bear she says gentle what will find the cane them no one's gonna use the kale in the kids are not cooking onion dip don't worry the kids have finally finally finally he rises he tests it it works he duct tapes it he puts the hummus now it's mamas minta is just starting in the local stable forget the mikveh forget everything and she just says get out the house goad oven I'll take care of it and she I think someone had this experience so very she just says get out the house we all know that feeling and he goes to mend her so he runs in they started mint already asleep pulls himself together feeling misery didn't go to the mikveh his first piece of but there it is tisha cabin in the shower man he got the shower from the drain there and he starts diving him in and he finishes by the end of Middlesboro and now he has to think I got boys from Bali trubiz he's got to get 50 million Tigers ready for these boys which type of players you know he can't speak brisket tire hisses like I got a heart squirrel to see if he could work something out here the kids and he sits down to one of his friends sees him and he says them Yanko how you doing down low you don't cook he says no how is it making your first yontiff and he chose to save your profession action that's good that's it okay we did we fix the pipe is there water leaking so why we can talk about they make a beautiful Tuesday on to first they follow my she has a Bubba in in Malay brac so they go to Bnei Brak first a young turf they come to me better walking problems ADA sitting there up in here knew how much you first yontiff and she says let me tell you Bobbi it was amazing and she goes through the whole story with the duct tape and the pipe of the kids running and he practice and look you can see the mark on his head you see and she's not us you can't imagine enjoying this story a Hal and then finally we got it together he went to shul and he came over we did this and we had a beautiful saved and it's all part of her picture of life and it was Mac in the Baltic bubble sitting there we should join this story wow this is amazing kids that they leave on the way home they get out of the house and he is burning Bernie why just embarrassed me I'm so embarrassed about what she says what the whole story you made me look like such a fool yeah it's just a story it just happened nobody thinks you're a fool you fixed it it's just life it's oh no you made me like a fool any time and the whole way home he doesn't talk to you so miserable it's just like sitting there what did I do what'd I do okay they make up life goes on he goes him into my chakras next day by it begun he's got an uncle they go visit the uncle they walk in and his auntie his auntie gives her a kiss ya know how much you first Johnson auntie let me tell you this story it was so interesting and she goes through the whole story again two years later they go to another another relative and she says let me tell you about first yontiff she'll be an altar Bubba with a McClure and they let me tell you shameful about my first pacer to nosh in the process the story line is just as harsh of as whether or not the drink affixed to us I got my toolbox I fixed it what do we have to talk about it for what is it relevant what happened what's relevant is the sinks working now she'll do something else is interesting they do something that for men is unbelievable self-imposed sour it's called the window shopping women they work part they look in they look at what they can't buy and they enjoy that experience is fascinating most men I want a suit I walk in what do you need a suit what else would I be here you so soothes no ok ok what kind of suit blue dark ok they bring one out you try it on it's dark it's blue I'm buying it you do the hems you're out in about 15 minutes if you're lucky buy notion is days of shopping - buying and bringing and trying on and taking back you come home one night you see why what do you do today Oh unbelievable yeah what a day what you do because he went to a shearing Charlaine bias he knew he had to ask her she asked her what to do and she comes and she said well I went to this I needed a top to match the shoes to match the thing for my sister's cousins coming up here has to be and the theme is blue and it has to be this and whatever and I had the skirt right they never thought that so she spent all day looking for this top and she brought back they did quite match in the light is the wrong light switch lights you know you have to be on the streets and it was overcast but the hall has fluorescence which father's the hosta in as she had never - not sure about which Hall because they know the lighting it's amazing so they know what they're gonna look like amazing and and meanwhile what does she do at the end of this next hour and a half story about what she did you find out she returned everything not a piece did she keep and she calls this a good day she went shopping for a man this is self-imposed kinam I'd rather die [Music] women are primarily process-oriented the process of life talks to them the process doesn't with us what was the average to thinking we should get along most men as soon as she starts with the process you know we look at the watch mask you used to say there's two times men look at their watch one is when the wife starts talking to them and the other is when you stop pinching because it's the end of the meal and you want to see how long do you play for so you're looking at watch otherwise they're always late they never look at their watch why is a Burris to do this to us what was he thinking and the answer is because it forces us to be patient and sensitive and tuned in because that the need of an Asia is to be tuned into we have a sign in my wife's office it says I think it says something tell me yeah I'm in trouble I think it says like this within women I think it says they don't need chocolates flowers or jewelry they need focused attention focus the tension what's the hardest thing for us to do focused attention yeah I gave you some jewelry you're not happy didn't I buy you something and they mister did this for us as a gift could have made us all have the same temperament but he'd after didn't in order that we should work on ourselves on our mythos on our character personality that we work on ourselves to work out how to skin that's the gift that's how we reach dog Cabaye and that's the second reason why we cannot get along naturally the third reason is personality this applies both to men and men men and women but can't become men and women because the nature and personalities of men and women are different there are shift the gaunt owners there's as our College that says there Shivan coitus Lynette wish that means there are 70 qualities the makeup personality like sensitivity and kindness and anger and frustration and happiness and love there are 70 different qualities to the knavish I was wondered the Rambam says a shame sure pantsu Fame in a dime then can't they're saying ain't a dog just like your faces are different not even diamond your dais your personality or your philosophy of life ain't a diamond don't even diamond Hannah brahmam know this for sure I once said this the Chevy Broncos I have a brothers a Bissel mathematician so you said well he's it's very simple it's a and chaos and knavish and let's say each each mid differs in two ways acres and colors you could be very sensitive and you could be frequently sensitive you could be not so sensitive you can be infrequently so frequency and intensity rheticus and commerce would define less assuming it's just - it's on or off just too so what's 2 to the power 17 well 2 to the power 36 is more people than have lives inside the Mauritian so 2 to the pound 70 I wouldn't bother trying to work it out so it's not shiet that two people should be dimer and before at that women nauseum have a different set of personality traits sensitivity is a perfect example women is simply because of their maternal instinct what's demanded of nauseum to be the mature that to have and carry a baby and give of herself to a baby the way she does demand a different type of sensitivity but men don't we do not have a maternal instinct we don't have it in personality the chances of an Asian each having the same personality is zero zero so how exactly you meant to get along your personality defines how you experience or relate to life how you feel about things but ain't no diamond and so that's the third reason that men and women cannot get along naturally it's impossible so sure our personalities are just different as much as you think you could come from the same steeple the same you know the same little place you know where the same town same village I don't know my sir personality is a completely different there's eat actions impossible that a man and woman will have the same person now it's your personality traits that means we will perk each other we will bother each other there are things we do that will bother the husband that will bother the wife the wife of bother the husband in personality and the way you do things the way you think about things the way you function and think and everything so what was neighbors to thinking how we meant to get along and have this love that have this the Shona bias when our personalities is so completely different as this meant to work Appa Seguin the same you Sud if force is asked to work thus is the gift is the home gym it makes us work there's three reasons and the last reason is culture culture the chance in this world especially we live in but it's always been this way but we France in the world we live in today was the chance of two people having the exact same culture people today marry people from different countries from different backgrounds different receivers in each one has its own cultures own flavor I grew up I'm English I think is pretty obvious correct yeah it slipped through somewhere my wife married me for my absence I have to keep it so you know I'm English she's American I got married you know I expected supper I thought that was normal I didn't know and Americans don't have supplement you know everyone's like busy working you don't showers you have supper price the mother was busy giving the kids from 4 o'clock to 7 o'clock it's like non-stop she's gnashing with them your husband will come and help himself take something not take something we kind of run into a board to run for Chancellor supper happens somewhere but there's not we grew up in a family 6 o'clock was family supper my father came home for work so we sat around we had suffer we talked that's culture European culture is very very different to American culture I want to get back to Russia I don't say where I got such trouble I can't even tell you after this rush usually people come out with meself shipments beautiful your sponsor nicely you know you get like this couple came over we must speak to you I figured okay there was some prison they pull me into a room and they screamed at me who gave you wish us to embarrass us publicly which robbed set you up we want to know we demand to know the site and what they're talking about I made it up I never ever say over exact stories of anything I every story I say is really a composite of bits and pieces of different people's lives and pods I'm very much with on I never say a story that you know except in my own life my own stories about me but otherwise I never say a story but actually you know bits and pieces and I mean I maybe I'll tell you the story stories as a young couple get married she was a couple nice nice young couple and they go live near the girl's parents wealthy people and after a few years they live in various rentals there says it's time we should buy your house before the house for them to need after renovations renovations they fixed the house on he the husband that comes from a real Yakuza background Shiva sure posh it yegesh Rebecca she comes from a classic Hungarian home did someone say oh no so they're doing renovations and they get to the dining room everything stops they cannot divorced over this dining room wine because a Hungarian dining on bye-bye sorry everyone knows see this is such a yucky showroom and the Hungarians are okay with the chandeliers they're having a problem they're still looking for the moldings where's the mold miss her voice I mean even mold the Hungarians very nervous sitting in a dining room without moldings you need more preferably like three layers of moldings and real Hungarians the middle one should have grapes carved into it right it's a tussle the dining room was it thank you mom without moldings crammed up a wall hits the ceiling ELISA this is like it's bear it's like walking around with that clothes it's like not nice the Hungarian that's a Hungarian dining room a Yankee sure dining room it's amazing a wall hits the ceiling and there's nothing in the middle it's just like a line this is painted this is painted and everyone's happy what do you need molding is this Moises and in moldings all right I'm asking you what why molding one thin strip to hide their line masking and she's crying ahead of her dream of a whole life is like hers either and above her they have three with their grapes I need the grapes I must have taken my father's bankers and this whole thing ground down to a standstill over moldings turndowns I made it up I thought you know it was like a bit crazy by me and khakha but my sister sure yeah it happened and they were sitting in the audience cultures a funny thing in England or if you buy a table in England and he's sophisticated Englishmen noses you put your hand under the table and you feel the finish is it finished underneath if it's finished you know it's a quality piece of Abel you know you check underneath to see because a craftsman finishes underneath maybe someone will drop something on the floor they'll kneel down don't notice underneath so a craftsman finishes a table in America everything gets thrown away so we're finishing under the table it's a total waste of time as long as it looks fancy and Blackard you know it looks like a piece of work of art you know we'll throw it away anyway after a while who cares we're gonna get a new one in two years so thank you so it's a different culture dressing acting a Shabbos table has a culture too you run the shaba state you know how many places you have a home where the culture of your home demands that if the father who happens to be the god loud or let's be real you know when he says it's not to everyone is absolutely you have to sit there and pay interest you have to pay attention for 20 minutes at least while he's dashing you know other homes you know he's lucky he gets in a two-minute vault with her thing and whoever's listening listening rubbers know it's not you know there's a culture to how people run their lives their homes what's the chance of a husband and wife having the same culture the exact same culture in their values that furniture we didn't find we first got married I told my wife let's not buy furniture let's get secondhand for the first few years it'll take I think four or five years and then maybe we'll have similar tastes kattappa five years later we have very similar taste before furniture but they originally we bought secondhand because he didn't care it just wasn't that important culture could destroy your life because people you can't debate culture see people think their culture is right it's so fascinating they everyone thinks my culture is the right culture there's a way you should you know there's one button you know people to use my kids will tell you not allowed to do two buttons when your button your jacket the only one but why who made this up that where which book I'm not gonna do the second one tie you look like nebby we're gonna be under two pounds I'm cold what no today the hats you see the boys I mean the brims got smaller why is this with the small prints right I walk into a store ask for a head they sound sorry we don't have one like yours see if you have an antique can I like what I'm wearing one of those small Briggs no thank you there has to be a big normal Brin no it's not normal anymore I'm sure it's not normal what happened culture culture Tate you can't debate culture culture doesn't have a right or wrong so the beauty of culture is tuning in to someone else's culture and honoring them and recognizing it simply is something that makes them feel good is an act of love not to any tuning it is an act of war to simply working on myself to tune in and say there's no right or wrong in moldings if this makes you happy and we can afford it because in paint because in things what do I care it makes you happy this is the Assad and these foreign Yanam intimacy needs being different process as opposed to outcome oriented personality and culture these guarantee that men and women cannot get along naturally impossible no such disease never was never will be and I wish that gave us this gift this beautiful gift this amazing gift that will force us to a journey this absolutely extraordinary in intimacy I'm not about physical to emotional intimacy the connection breakers take us both the real Vegas intimacy Vegas there's also four levels the lowest level is physical intimacy physical takers okay but if that's all people of God sooner or later they get fed up with it if everything else is going wrong and that's all it is doesn't work that's why in the secular world most people get divorced because after what doesn't work there's nurtured that it doesn't take you anywhere it only takes you inside it takes you to you it doesn't take you out of you it's nice okay so you get married so I love you because the physical pleasure and the physical you know things you do for me okay fine showings very there's a very very very low level of intimacy a low level of acres it doesn't take you very far anything it takes you to the ball so this doesn't take you what's the second level of intimacy I call it emotional intimacy you go to a love you go to a counselor mosh spear someone a maven or Evanson and they talk II uncouple what's wrong what's going on no see the thing is intelligent smart things like tell me is this something nice about the person you like I want to connect you to the person is there something you enjoy or appreciates about the other person you're married to now so you have an emotional connection this things I love about the person I like I admire you know it's not just the physical attraction but they they have good mythos they have good qualities this emotional intimacy this is way you connect on an emotional level where I can I appreciate you for who you are I see you're a good person I see you have wonderful qualities and I appreciate you for those qualities this is already a nicer level a higher level of intimacy of debeikis it's a beautiful level and unfortunately most people stop here most people spend the rest of their lives they stop right there that successful marriages most of them stop right there they stop with emotional intimacy they appreciate each other but they spend a lot of their life closing their eyes alone looking away from the things they don't like about each other which they can't deal with which they don't know what to do it so they look away they suppress their feelings because they don't know how to deal with it they don't know what to do with them and they enjoy that which they can enjoy the physical they enjoy the emotional connection when it happens other than the stops there it's not taking them where it's meant to go the next level is an unbelievably beautiful level I call it psychological intimacy psychological intimacy will say psychological intimacy means like this it means where I recognized fully and humbly that I am an imperfect human being I have flaws I'm not such a wonderful person I have great miners I have great qualities I also have certain flaws and I would be extremely honored and feel very respected if my spouse could accept but I'm working on those flaws I'm not denying them I know I have them I'm aware of that I'm not just accepting and saying tough live with me accept it I'm saying I know I got it and I know I've got to work on it then I am working on it but I really appreciate if you could accept that these are flaws which I'm aware of and I'm working on them and you know what in return I will honor you the same way in return I will accept that you have flaws too then I see you're working on yours and I don't have to be afraid of them I don't have to be ashamed of mine or yours I don't have to be scared of our flaws I can look them in the eye open it-- and I can love you with your flaws as I would like you to love me with mine I don't have to deny anything I can be really honest myself and with you it's a pretty awesome level of marriage pretty special it is there's no line or denying there's to humble people trying to work together to grow to work on their medicine to do the the work they wish they gave us to do in this world to use the vehicle of their marriage to come to Romania Sherman it's very special it's beautiful but it's still not the highest level listen to this see on the first level is I love you because of physical benefits and pleasures of the relationship from the second level and not just that I love you because you're a good person you're a kind person you have very many milers and I appreciate your mileage I love you because of that on the third level is I love you for everything you are despite the fact that I can be completely honest what Michael sign is our what your her sonís I can love you anyway totally does not get in the way I can look like a sinus in the iron love you anyway over listen to this the fourth leg which I call spiritual intimacy it's not just I love you because the physical benefit initially I love you because of the emotional the wonderful things about you and not that I love you despite your sonís I love you because of them I love you because fellows hiss - whose thing is my experience as the signers they will take me to the function they will take me to a Kurdish bomb my working out how to overcome my self-centered ego - stop looking at you and thinking of your his - as being in the way and embracing that you're a hard-working person trying to overcome your husband's I don't love you despite them I love you because of them because they are mine because I by enjoying kind of your suicide lad the a to gave you to me with that package because you're the best possible package that would force me to grow they will bring me to or by initially your mind that's why I love you and you're his eyes are part and parcel of that package they're not in the way they are the way what is the essence of love what's the essence of love how do you define love I'm gonna say this twice what is love love is the emotion experience of feeling that occurs when on a consistent basis husband and wife are able to put the others needs before their own needs when the two sets of needs are in conflict if you want to feel love that's when you feel it the rest of the time you don't feel love you feel pleasure true love only occurs you can say it again it is the emotion experience or feeling that occurs when on a consistent basis husband and wife are able to put the others needs before their own needs when the two sets of needs are in conflict you're stuck in the house and the bungalow colony it's been raining a sticky humid hot rainy summer for a whole week finally midweek it stops up the wife says I can't anymore I gotta get out I gotta get out it's nighttime can we go out we just I just gotta get out and gone crazy let's go out let's go and eat you know we don't usually go to restaurants but let's go and eat I want to go out you know I fancy let's go outand and he's fine okay sure no problem what do you want to do she says you know a fish restaurant dairy I like to go with mean like dairy or fish you know that's a very preferred generally you know there he says like I'm happy to go out you know if we're going anyway we may as well go to our spaceship place you know let's go enjoy you know for going anyway that she says even hungry I just want to go and spend some time together dairy it's light it's easy if you don't mind all of them listen if you insist on Darry you know go dairy you know I don't like their gives me stomach pains you know I like a steak you know mine we just had supper well you know fine she says fine we'll go flat all right don't get so what are you getting so upset about I'm getting upset I want to go out and you're telling me hijacking my I'm high dragazine why are you starting up with me why I just want to go out and she starts crying which I don't want to go out I'm fine I'm just gonna go to bed now you got a bed with you with you you may decide what do you make a whole thing for here well let's go out or so go dairy we'll do dairy fine okay I won't even eat it's fine should you do for the hope whatever they do they're both miserable she'll be choking on a piece of cheese in the dairy place it doesn't work she didn't want food she didn't want there she wanted time out with her husband I just need to unwind without the kids for a little bit let's rerun this remember we said love is the emotion experience or feelings that occurs when on a consistent basis husband wife put the others needs before their own needs when the two sets of needs are in conflict let's run the story again speed rainy the bungalow colony it's hot and humid she says them one night it's late you know I think I can walked up the whole so we quarry I gotta get out I gotta get out and we go out I need to go out she says sure of course let's go pleasure where you want to go eat yeah well it gonna need to be great okay what do you want to do and she says a dairy you know I'm very light and he says listen carefully listen you wanted to dairy my pleasure personally I prefer meat the first thing nothing wrong with saying it personally I prefer grits but he won't do dairy whatever you want I'll do there and she says I would prefer Dairy Ibis fine you wanna do meat what do meat no problem he said none of us wish on you lose your idea let's do dairy it's fine I'm fine honey I'm fine she's no no no no I see you really wanted me I know man you want he says none of the fast fish on my herd Russell talking I'm telling you I'm telling you I'm good with the matter-of-fact like they're even that don't be ridiculous you don't like dairy it's okay wherever they go they experience love it doesn't matter if they dairy or meat anymore because each was trying to put the other's needs first doesn't mean you don't say how you feel you can you should you have to be you guess the honest she'll know anyway they always know when you try and say but honey you want to do dairy on my pleasure it's okay I'm good with that every Isha right away they say no no no that's fine I know you want meat anyway you know he's happier if you take him to meet but the miser two people are putting the other ones needs first that creates love that sharps loved jothika because there was dissonance because there was the difference there was different needs is what created love if she had said I want to go out and I what do you want I want a steak and he said yeah me too and they go and have a steak they have a nice time they're just not loving in this segment it doesn't shock you love in the same way they both have the same needs okay it's nice but love happens the feeling of being lodged happens daph go and the two sets of needs are in conflict and this is what they wish to gave us he gave us this gift he gave us this marriage that way two people can't get along naturally so that we could have that experience too great love that I've just imagine for a minute we have our children like her to grow up and watch that imagine what to Philip imagine how we would guide them than heal them and even if the kids have gone astray but we turn this is our primary vehicle in our life we create this in our homes you've created a compelling reason that your children should want to come back and rejoin such a home because a home where there's hurt and fighting and dissonance and disappointment and sadness why would a child want to do the work they have to do to overcome their struggles and issues to go back to that type of home why it's not inviting it's not a place I want to be at so where I would I want to recover why would I want to get my Yiddish kite back or work on my life to get it back to be part of that home but if I have a home where there's love genuine love losing out of such a home where people are honest about who they are they don't have to hide they can be truthful but at the same time love each other and respect and put each other's needs first I submit you that is a place your children will want to be they will want to come back to such a home they will want to reorient their lives in subtle ways so the one eventually they can settle down and marry they could come back to a Shabbos of the yontiff in that home because that's a place I want to be at it's a safe place where I can feel loved and accepted it's the most profound gift we give our kids it's the bomb of all bombs is that we make our marriages into this I'll tell you one last thought when we walk around miserable with each other how special we are telling our children I am NOT maritza with the Rebbe initially Hashanah we are communicating to her children I am NOT maritza I think that a barista cheated me he let me down he disappointed me and when my kids feel that Haas for Shawon from me why wouldn't they resonate to their - why wouldn't they look at their own agendas and their own strokes and say they'd be still let me down big time these things that happen to me should never have let them happened I don't love him either but when we husband a wife we look at each other we see the miners and the his liners we see the truth we see who we are we recognize we don't get along naturally but we accept they wish to gave you to me you are my gift in this world and I'm gonna live my life when my children feel that not dashing about it they see it witness it they feel it's they experience it they know I am a rudder I accept the revarnished love this gift he gave me that maybe our children could accept the gifts that he gave them in their challenges and use them to fight their only background the latest dolphin they really hope this is helpful I hope we cannot do it this is the aside how you say this this is into a place like this everything else is it official telling you this is the assault we have to put all our Titleist into this all-out effort all our energy to create true love husband and wife and our children should feel and experience it Shems help that will bring us all to the top Mustafa Kemal