Rabbi Shimon Russell

pleasure to be here again each time we come my wife and i come to give and each time we go home we go home with more than we gave just said that that we're here to be honest with each other to uplift each other to support each other to be honest with each other and i personally in my life have never experienced anything like this islam together humble truthful struggling and doing hashem's work i'm not taking it for granted there's one thing we can all agree on when you have a struggling child in your home your home your family is in crisis you're in crisis mode that's for sure there are those years gone by who and i challenge them this goes back 25 years and i challenged them very stuck when they told me that children in crisis are coming from dysfunctional homes it wasn't my experience i didn't think my wife and i were particularly dysfunctional at least not more than other people i saw and what i recognized and started my journey of being honest and speaking out about this was let's put the cart are we putting the cart before the horse can we put things in perspective it's true that when your kid is in the middle of the struggle and you don't have proper hydra you don't have a philosophy you don't have yet a picture of how you're meant to be handling this chances are you're doing everything wrong we all did we all did and so we threw our homes into dysfunction usually that's when some well-meaning person pointed out ha ha take a look your family's in dysfunction the fact is none of us were prepared no one taught us we never got classes ever about what happens when it goes wrong what happens when it doesn't work out what happens when your kids get abused and you don't know about it from various sources of trauma that happened to them did anyone ever tell us that was there a manual or a book written in advance that we were all required to read just as we got married just as we start having children just in case not so one thing we can all agree on that when you have struggling kids in your home you're in crisis mode and this is the subject i want to attend to i've been asked you know i take the feedback at each conference people tell me what they want to hear more of this this is um working together this is the the subject we're going to speak about today about working together parents us working together to help our children so here's my thinking let me see if i can build a picture and then we can put into that picture what we're going through and how to understand our struggles and what to do about it but the primary goal of this presentation is us parents this is not about the kids this is going to be about us husbands and wives for those who at this stage of life do not have a spouse think about the significant people in your life you interact with that you work out life with think about them as we talk for the rest of us this is a this is a journey of us as husbands and wives as parents of children what is it that we have to do with ourselves because we're being asked something enormous this challenge of our children needs to take us to a place beyond excellence as parents as husbands and wives as spouses this is us working together so here's my thinking about what i call our psycho spiritual functioning who are we what do we come back with so the fact is we're all born we come into this world to fix ourselves not the neshama my he didn't efficient often reminds me that we come back with the nishama tahirah as we said phil in the morning tikkun nishama is not exactly precise the clippers on the shamans what we're wrapped with because alaka nisha mashin hassan to be tahereh we're all tar kids us but the wrapping the clippers the mouths of around us needs fixing and so we all come back with impediments none of us are perfect we all come back to we need to fix ourselves in this world the svara makhadesham both hasidis everyone talks about it gone talks about it yonah other places that we need only to take a look at what our struggles which are various that we pulled to and which mitzvahs do we find so difficult to get a glimpse into why we're here if we're honest with ourselves you see when we see our struggles and we see what we're struggling with that's what the storm is saying that's why we're here it shouldn't be embarrassing it should be exciting we should be seeing an opportunity okay that's why i'm here that's what i got to work in it's not in the way as we always say it is our way nothing to be ashamed of i mentioned the other night something that frustrates me so deeply when the citizenship and he mentions the three reasons that we're here in this world adam what are we here in this world for lassos and by now i hope the world will be doing something about the third one lahmad binisayan lamid you know we've been busy with mitsubis and we're busy busy with aveda but how busy are we honestly with la ahmed binisayan with having a deep relationship to and understanding those niconis are our gifts in this world to help us become who we have to become to me it's a plea at summer we don't teach this we don't recognize it and we almost see it like the the saying this are in the way and as we know for us at keshavshi our problems are not in our way problems are our way our problems are our way and we have to see that and understand that what we're doing here why are we in this world what do we what's our job so we come back with that picture every single one of us has certain flaws certain tikkunim that we need to go through and life will take us through the various stops on the way that will force us to address to attend to those flaws and it's just nothing to be embarrassed about we hide from that stuff instead of embracing it and understanding our weaknesses of why we're here that's what we're here to work on we have to stop being ashamed of it but instead understand it and recognize it and embrace it this is why we come back this is what we're doing here but it gets a little worse what happens when we come back what could happen so we all had everyone had serious challenges in their childhood in their life we all went through stuff i don't think of these things as disorders i'm going to go through a few of them now to make sense i think of them as life is the natural course of life they're not they don't make us disordered they're not mental problems they're just the reality of living in this world for example let's start with the most obvious one i mentioned before this negates us to so many of us which is still affecting us to this very day the holocaust we think we got over it we didn't get over it you ask any therapist working with our community today and we all know that the holocaust is high became is still there the damage is still there affecting us we all know it we all know families who are still wounded terribly wounded by what happened to our grandparents parents and grandparents in the war for example there were those families and who can even comprehend what it was like and what it felt like but we understand that many families let go of love they let go of love to survive they had to they didn't love in a natural way because love was too painful it was too hurtful to see loved ones taken from them and it was like they shut down love and replaced it with acts of service they were really good at feeding you many of you know that right you got fed they were good at sheltering you if it was raining the amount of clothing you had to wear and umbrellas snowing forget about it they smothered with protection and caring but what the children didn't feel was love not love that's how they survived and so many families their culture became built around that we don't love kissing all that stuff i know families to this day that have a hard time the parents giving a kiss to friday night benching the kids and kissing them is like you know we don't do that that's very condition stuff we don't do that and the kids are craving it craving it and the shamans are craving that closeness that kiss that love and it becomes like a cultural like a cheetah but it's really a distortion and then there were those whose reactions we're just full of anxiety and fear shelter protect any moment the nazis emotional any moment they could be coming we have to watch and guard and protect and shelter and hover over our children stifling their ability to grow up as independent healthy confident people the holocaust left a horrible indelible damage on our community that we are still digging out of and it will take generations till we're free for many families the damage of the holocaust became your cultural base on how you're living and how you're functioning and how you're bringing up your children whereas it's really a distortion it's an unhealthy distortion it was necessary i get that i mean totally and we have to be wise and aware and knowledgeable so that we can get rid of that distortion and we can be free to love because our children need our love our spouses need our love without love we don't thrive can i just ask if all the phones can make sure your phones are off please thank you if you could here's another one growing up in israel anyone who grew up in israel or your parents grew up in israel see people are grinning by the way i see it you see i'll tell you a story i was once on a united airlines flight this is a true story an amazing story my wife and i were flying back from israel on a united airlines flight and it may have happened to you it happened to us they didn't have a kosher meal no no it happens as the stewardess came by and was giving out kosher meals she offered us a regular meal and we said no no we ordered kosher and she snapped back at me no you didn't you're not on the list okay it's fine my wife and i looked at each other we laughed we said it's okay i and i said we are on the list we ordered a coach but no you didn't she snapped back it was like crazy it was like weird and we said it's fine we don't have to eat we're good it's okay and she was like irritated at us that we wanted this kosher meal we went to sleep in the morning i got up and i went to the back of the plane and uh i asked for a cup of coffee i said is it too late you know you know they were landing i said excuse me i asked excuse me englishman you know what can i do i was polite there was no embarrassing i'm not from there because i say please and thank you i'm sorry okay so i asked is it okay can i get a cup of coffee please and she said it was this stewardess was there with all the seventh of the united airlines and they say sure she makes me a coffee i say thank you i really appreciate it and then she looks at me and she said to me these words she says you know you're different and i said what do you mean she said well you're so polite i said what do you mean i was like i hadn't stopped what she meant and she said well this is the television flight she said it's unbelievable she said they punished them in united airlines by putting them on the televip flight i was shocked i said what do you mean she said well people are so impolite they're so i said is that why you spoke to me the way about they said yeah you know everyone's so impolite so tense the soul so i said to her look i'm embarrassed i'm embarrassed that you're telling me such a thing i'm telling you straight up is wrong and we shouldn't be impolite but if you want i could explain it to you if you want to explain it and she said to me okay and now there were nine of them the whole seventh of the plane in the back listening to russia in the back of united airlines and i said to them like this again i want to repeat it's wrong and there's no excuse we ought to be polite it's not respectful i apologize but if you want to explain it to you i said after the holocaust when the nazis mushmon tried to kill every single one of us destroy us off the face of this earth the united nations voted barely and gave us a little bit of our land back a little bit they gave us that we could survive and you know what happened the next day after we got that land back all millions tens of millions of arabs tried to kill us all the next day and then they tried again in 1956 and they tried again in 1973 and then they sent their families and children people onto our buses with bombs blowing us up in the streets killing us where terrorists try every day to kill us just because we're a jew and then there's people who want to travel and they get on a united airlines flight and they're not polite about this cup of coffee i said they're trauma victims what do you want you got a whole country of trauma victims give them two weeks they'll be in america they'll relax they'll say please and thank you you have a whole country of trauma victims of people who grew up in a certain toughness a certain you know a protectiveness living within a veil of trauma and that goes on generationally too and it's hard to see it in yourself that you feel reactive if you've lived there long enough you know exactly what i'm talking about it doesn't take long then i want to say a sensitive one the world of bali trouba the world of bali trouba is a fascinating world because most bali chuba erlah wonderful bali chuba discover that when they're young they're very much wanted and welcome in everyone's homes everyone wants them everyone loves you they can't do enough for you actually and then you get married and they're so happy for you and then you have children and they all gather around your kiddish and your brace and you feel like so borussia so wealthy so valued and then your kids go to school and you discover that people don't want to send their kids over to your house because there's exposure you know that word exposure here there's a lot of nodding heads so you know exactly what i'm talking about the exposure no one prepares you for this how is someone who grows up out of the community and they're desperately trying to do god's work and bring up their children in a healthy way and send them to moisture satire so they should be imbued with tyra and yira when for example there's a little tiny girl who wears little tiny what they call them bobby socks what is that what they call them right when is like the cut-off apparently everyone else knows except the bali juba everybody else knows when you're not on you know there's a mitzvah in the tower thou shalt not wear those socks anymore that everyone else knows and only the idiots don't know and guess what when god forbid there's you know there's like they're a day late in changing over to tights or whatever they wear they're condemned as if like are you an idiot you didn't know what are you doing and so in such a cultural environment of confusion where there's so little hydra little guidance and very little sensitivity what there is is the veiled criticism looking at people as if they're stupid which almost always without fail translates into the shame and embarrassment of parents who will then react to their children to micromanage their lives to control them to get those stupid socks off now because we're embarrassed and we feel like fools where's the sensitivity where's the kindness where's the understanding there isn't there i assure you there isn't and all this translates all this stuff the trauma the stress of the things i've described so far all translates into our children [Music] where we want them to be model citizens so that we don't face our own shame and our own embarrassment but we don't get triggered in our own trauma place and it all hurts our kids here's another one this one i really hope i don't offend anyone so they wish to stealth and i was governing earlier that i won't children of yes i'm not going to say in other words can i just leave that one i'm cringing i yeah should we all just like sit with that one for a moment it doesn't have to be bad by the way oh but the the burden the children of yikus you know in my office children with certain famous names have told me stories of their experiences growing up how they hated themselves in that name little kids who walked into class and the reverse said stand up you know who's here and they meant well everyone means well the damage so profound inside unrealistic expectations for such children that just bury them in shame and embarrassment feeling i can't be that and i've disappointed the legacy i've let everyone down then of course there's the twenty percent minimum and i say minimum of sexual abuse victims in our community the 20 minimum the one in five that we know have been sexually abused in our community where even to this very day the struggle with denial about this sugiya is as alive today as it was 25 years ago when we first started working at it where the denial is so deep the difficulty to face it honestly and humbly the lack of recognition that the true kiddish hashem is in being honest about ourselves and our weaknesses being honest about our struggles is the true kiddish hashem not hiding not pretending how many kids walk around and how many adults you know every time i speak whenever if the subject is on sexual abuse how many adults i see in the community or adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse still hurting and struggling [Music] still finding their lives difficult their marriage is hurt and wrecked because of it and the wounds run deep as any survivor knows and we're still as a community we're both like we're not there we're not honest we're trying to be but we're not and then let's add what happens to us when we're coming when we come back let's add to that all the kids with either true learning disabilities or with de facto learning disabilities you know problems issues struggles in life that simply for stop the cup where you simply can't have an open mind to be able to learn properly in school because you have soros thesaurus medical physical emotional financial soros in the home and the kids feel it and they can't learn and in our world if you can't learn well we know what that does to a person we know how destructive that is what happens to us when we come back is all these kind of things happen to us when we come back and impact our lives on top of the tikka neshama that we came back the ticket on those clippers that we came back before we came to the world and then we come here and have to face all this this is not disorders or both sides this is life this is our very life this is how we live did i leave anyone out if i did do me a favor come tell me like you're a mystery i'd love to study you so we have these two layers on us what happens so what happens to us when we come back to this world with our clippers our tikkunim the kamen is why we're here and then we go through these struggles these life issues by chance we were brought up in israel by chance we had holocaust survivor parents and grandparents by chance we were abused obviously by chance this is the ambitious world and we go through these things and that's vita struggle for us to fix ourselves and then we're meant to have like healthy marriages and bring up like you know nice kids so what happens to us so i want to say and i'm open-minded if anyone wants to come and after uh after the weekend think about it first through the weekend but if you want to discuss it with me if you disagree with me i'd like to hear we discussed the previous i think at the very first keshinashi conference i mentioned something i'd learned from dan singles book parenting from the inside out the four s's all right so we're all familiar with that you've watched the josh's i'm sure safe secure scene and suit and we talked about it as a concert the reason i liked it he mentions it almost in passing the reason i liked it so much is because that model safe secure that we bring up our children making sure we try and help them feel safe secure seen and soothed is a model of career in my mind is a model of creating resilience that means that as we go through the struggles of life that babysitter puts in front to us if we can put into our children that model of safe secure scene ensues if we could develop those four theses with them and and help them grow in those four areas we're helping create resilience that means the the power to bounce back we will help them bounce back despite what happens and in fact even grow and become who they are because of the problems we're giving the the tools for life when i saw it first in the book it blew my mind i hear it was almost like agav by me it was it was i saw it as america's as a a concept it was so profound so what happens when you don't have which is true for most of us let's be honest most of us did not grow up with a solid bedrock of safe secure seen ensues from our homes i believe that i was one of those fortunate people that my mother there shalom gave me all for made me who i am i think that's why i am who i am because she gave them to me most people are not zaika to have all four of those in their childhood and so they're not resilient so what happens to us as we go through life this is the kiddish i'd like to share and i'd like everyone to really drink this in because this may save your life what i'm about to say this may be one of the most important things you're gonna you're gonna hear that could change the course of your life and give you a focus on how to develop yourself in a way that's always been elusive this may be it what i believe is as follows everyone when under severe stress when we feel threatened everyone regresses we all regress and essentially conceptually we have two states inside us that we regress to those who've done the therapists here and others who've done somatic work will be familiar with what i'm saying but i'm going to say a focus in this work that i'm not sure you would have heard before maybe i believe that we all have two states that we go back to and if we think about ourselves but maybe better is think about how our spouse sees us we might be able to find those states more easily one state is like a five-year-old well here's the two one is a five-year-old and one is a fourteen-year-old i wanna explain the five-year-old in us is when we act like a baby when we realize that we've been threatened criticized unloved uncared for actually the five-year-old reacts when there is a profound lack of safe secure and soothed those three when you feel a lack of safety or security or being soothed and cared for especially by your spouse we regress into like a babyish state and if we look at ourselves honestly i think we can all notice when we've sort of been that sulky moody babyish you know just not myself that child you're actually when you when your spouse could even say to you you're acting childish or when you know you're acting childish there's a wounded little child that we all have like a five-year-old inside and when we don't get our safe secure or soothed enough we regress and become that baby that child we're looking to be safe and the child takes over similarly what is a 14 year old i used to say 15 but it's now 14 i think with you know over the division a year a year earlier the 14 year old is when a child actually thinks they've become an adult like you know they're big you know boys of 14 can be as big as their mothers right so as far as they're concerned i'm a player in the adult world and they want to be seen they want to be noticed they'll debate the kishkas out of you on everything whatever you say they'll have a comeback yeah but why but what but where but when who says but what if they debate and argue because they want to be seen it's part of a normative development of a human being when you grow up you want to separate from your parents ultimately s a person leaves home that process of narrows of separation happens around adolescence of 14 it's there by 15 for sure you know ask any 15 year old you know i always say to them please can i talk to you they say why i say because there's nothing you don't know you're 15. this is great i have opportunity to learn everything 14 year old is this child who wants to be seen so badly you march of them makhab them value them they crave that need [Music] and frankly most of us didn't get enough of that when we were fourteen and so there's another wounded part to myself that i regress into when i'm not seen when i'm not noticed not taken seriously not thought of where i regress into that 14 year old and start fighting for my needs and arguing and debating and trying to get my needs met these two childhood states accompany us throughout life and when we're under stress when we're under tension that's where we go we go back to one of the and it's not pretty ask your spouse what it's like when you regress to that place just ask them tonight privately to watch how you feel when they answer you here's the interesting thing watch your nervous system like just like i'm serious take a deep breath and watch your nervous system when you ask that question of your spouse do i ever act like a baby am i ever like argumentative and debating and don't agree and just fight with you ever no honey never not you you're mamish wow russell doesn't know what he's talking about you're who but watch what your nervous system feels like when you ask your spouse that question and you satan please be honest with me and tell me it's not pretty we've talked many times i'm building up to something i hope you stay with me on this journey so you'll see where we're going we've talked i gave one of the keshinashi conferences we talked about trauma and how it affects us you see we have here a beautiful thing called a prefrontal cortex it's the front part of your brain it's fabulous it helps you be empathic it helps you have attuned communication that means when you actually listen to your spouse and hear them it helps you be sensitive and thoughtful altruistic compassionate that front part of your brain is where you get stuff done it's where you have relationships that are fulfilling when you're there but when you get threatened it's not exactly an on off switch it's more like you know a dial but as you get threatened you go out of that part of your brain into the limbic system where the only thing you really care about is am i safe in that place correctly so the question of safety is all that counts in that place you appear to others to be self-centered maybe even selfish focused only on your own interests which is the way hashem made it it's the way it should be when you feel threatened but just imagine if we don't own the fact that this happens to us frequently more frequently than we would be willing to admit and acknowledge and we actually regress into one of these two states quite frequently offline in a place where we're disconnected because of safety because i just want to feel safe not to own this is to guarantee i keep going there and when you go there you do not create an environment of safety in which your children will be able to flourish we have to own this and respect it and understand it if we're going to create safety for our children so this is life under normal circumstances normal circumstance this is life this is not you know this is nothing to do with you know mental health this is life i'm describing how people live so how do we deal with it under normal circumstances we recognize we reflect upon ourselves and we use our void of hashem we use musa we use our marriage because there's nothing like your marriage to reflect back to you what's wrong with you nothing like it and we use our vedas hashem a musa a marriage to help heal this this is our journey this is life this is nothing to go into therapy this is just the way life is or should be where we struggle through life trying to get rid of that ego when we struggle through life trying to keep ourselves online so that we can be connected so that we could be other centered center on someone else and not in ourselves because when we're offline i just center on me because i want to be safe so we use our voids hashem to get rid of that ego we want to identify the flaws in our self and we see them when we go off when we act like a baby when we debate like a 14 year old or act childish like a five-year-old and get pouty and sulky and moody this is all a process for us to see ourselves perfect ourselves grow so we can find the reason we're here and recover from whatever it is that akaneshwar who puts us through so we may become who we're meant to be this is life recognizing this helps us see what we have to fix and most of all it helps us if we're honest about it it forces us to develop new skills new strengths new talent new awareness new understanding new compassion new kindness and sensitivity to others it forces us into a road a journey towards our own perfection that's just it's just awesome it's awesome this is life this is the way life is the way life should be where we're constantly working on ourselves trying to grow and trying to be honest if we can about those two child states within us where we go off an act babyish or act teenage-ish this is just life under normal circumstances that's fine we can take our time doing that and the journey of our life is that that's what our life is cannabis man son said you know by the end of we all hope we got somewhere you know halawa i'll say on the you know might say but he got somewhere alive you know halawa but when we have the sugiya that we have when we're gifted with our struggling teens with our struggling children we have to address this regression this is not a joke this is not something we take our time with this is not something we can afford just to spend our life working on [Music] when you have struggling children in your home this is your work this is your kardash this is the most important thing you can do with your life and you cannot afford just to do it the rest of your life and hope by the end of your life you got somewhere because if you don't address this then you're not going to be able to help your children because frankly the greatest thing that gets in the way of us helping our children is ourselves let's be honest it's us it's our own struggles and regressions and difficulties and our imperfections and ego to get in the way of us doing all this wonderful work we know we have to do with our children to help them back for us we can't be patient and wait we have to throw ourselves aggressively into this work to work on ourselves and get the ego out the way and understand our own regressions and what takes us offline so that we can work on those things so we can recover from it because our children need us to and if we don't then we can never model for our children healthiness we can never really help them back because josh's as we all know that doesn't work with our children we all tried that right we've all given that up right if you're here you gave up droshes i remember once i gave it to russia it was probably one of my early josh's it was fantastic it was if i may say so it was a fabulous joshua it took about 15 20 minutes our daughter was in baltimore at the time she called me from a park from it was days before mobile phones so it was a uh corded phone box on the corner of some park she called and i gave her wonderful jesuit russia wow did i give her a good rusher and at the end of the 15 20 minutes when i said to her so what do you think about what i said nothing and i called and called until someone picked up the phone said what do you want who is this i gave that russia to the wind in the park she probably left about three seconds into it we've done drushes we finished with brushes brushes won't work modeling on us watching us seeing us working on ourselves seeing us working on our regressions working on maintaining ourselves as healthy people that is the essence of avoiding hashem the essence to work on my middles it's the essence of all of hashem when they see that maybe we have a chance and the worst part of that regression is when we trigger each other when husbands and wives when the parents of our children observe us triggering each other that's the worst that's the most damaging for them that's the most unsafe life our children can have when they see us arguing debating fighting regressing protecting ourselves which i understand and i again i repeat i described all the natural processes that unfortunately bring us to that regression and bring us to act in a self-protective fashion when we're offline i understand that but when our kids see that it creates the greatest unsafety for them and takes any desire they may ever have to want to be part of our lives it takes it from them each other is to use our marriages our lives our relationships with each other as the primary tool for helping our children recover from their hurts and wounds and struggles and crises the primary tool is us and it's our marriage it's our relationships that help bring our children back when they observe and see what they see it helps bring them back to being healthy people it helps them recover from their own traumas and without it it is exceedingly difficult for them i pressure can't overstate how important this is that we acknowledge and face our own imperfections particularly the regressions that we do when we go offline and we start feeling threatened because remember i started i said we're in crisis mode without struggling children we always feel in crisis mode and in crisis mode we get threatened and when we get threatened we get scared when we get scared we get controlling and then we put each other offline and our kids need us to be online compassionate present if we're going to help them so what's the four steps i want to give four steps towards recovery from this how do we do this how do we do this how do we get ourselves back online is everyone familiar do you all understand what i mean about offline are we clear about that offline when you know you're not yourself when you know you're acting in a threatened state when you don't have access here where you should first of all you have to recognize you actually have those two states first you have to recognize we all do it it's a matter of degree some do it more some do it less more frequent infrequent more intense less intense but everyone does everyone does it so we have to be humble enough to face it that we actually do this and we do regress and we do go offline we have to be honest that that's what we're looking at to take control of that experience to help ourselves stay present we have to accept that when you're offline chances are you're hurting the person you love if you want motivation to really work on this it's knowing that when you're offline when you're regressed chances are you're hurting the person you love you're hurting them and not only hurting them but you're hurting your kids because your kids need to see that love between you that respect between you so we must work on this we have to commit ourselves to healing these wounds if you know you have them heal them find someone whether you need therapy or you can do it yourself or sell self-help in our work with struggling kids we don't have options and choices we have to deal with this we have to we don't have choices we can't wait and just shove this aside if you know you go offline if you know you regress and you know it gets in the way you have to deal with it and the fourth thing is learn a way to ground yourself learn a way to bring yourself back and be present some of you i believe have learned grounding am i correct about that some of you have done work on that did could i just have just for myself does anyone have anyone who doesn't know everyone who knows exactly what i'm talking about when i say grounding technique do you mind just a show of hands okay so you're going to forgive me but we're going to do a grounding right now for those of you who know grounding and enjoy grounding enjoy yourself because you know you will for everybody else i'd like to teach you because what's the point of us talking about it if you don't take home this tool so you're going to do this well let's do this together can everyone get comfortable just sit in your chair put down whatever you're holding and let's get comfortable is there any way i can sit and do this either would i end the microphone can i hold one now can i hold a microphone with that is there another one working yeah yeah i'd like to sit should i take it off and hold on oh he's gonna he won't be you know what i'll stand i'll do it standing i'll do it standing till he comes i'm gonna do it standing till he comes if you can find him i'll sit okay if you can but let's do this together i put this down yeah but the camera i think is up there and i'll be down there so so i'm going to do this standing you can see it if i sit one second let's have a look you see me i'll put the leg turn yeah do you want to shake it gosh i didn't expect all this mess you want there's a wire okay no no i don't want to i don't mess with it you know what i don't want to mess with the camera that's good okay so let me just let me just okay so let's just do this let me explain what we're going to do yeah can i i just want to sit facing them and talk can i do that can you get the camera on me you're the best he's gonna move you're gonna move the camera down amazing technical people here are the best by the way [Applause] okay is okay we're ready can i sit can i sit down good okay so again i want to repeat for everyone who knows grounding enjoy yourself this is going to be geshmac and for everybody else let's go home with a tool but when you get incredibly stressed and you recognize you're going offline you understand offline means you're not here anymore it means you're in your limbic system it means you're in fight and flight it means you're in a place where you just want to be safe you'll know it by the way just notice how upset your spouse is with you now i don't know if you ever had that experience me personally never i mean [Applause] i had the best teacher but this is a gift from both sides such a gift it's such a beautiful gift if you recognize the gift of your spouse is to reflect back to you when you're not yourself you ever had the feeling i'm not myself and you know you're hurting your spouse you know that just see it take a look at their face their facial expression you're hurting them you're offline chances are you're offline so we're going to learn grounding here's what we're going to do okay so get relaxed first of all everyone get relaxed are we okay here we're going to enjoy this right i know you didn't expect this but this is good stuff this you can take home with you a gentleman i recommend you do not do this in the middle of schminister okay so here's what we're gonna do okay feel your feet on the floor just wiggle your feet a bit so you can feel the feet just feel the floor and you can feel yourself sitting in the chair and i like to do it with my eyes closed i recommend that for everyone but you could certainly if it doesn't disturb you so feel your feet on the floor fill the chair the seat underneath you your weight on the seat and feel your back against the back of the chair and feel held see if you can just pause for a moment and just feel held just feel yourself held by the chair let's take a few deep breaths and maybe like just wiggle your shoulders a bit just to get the kinks out of your neck and your shoulders take a few very deep breaths and feel yourself on that chair let's take a few more deep breaths just notice if you feel any tension inside just be aware tension you feel like a little stress a little pain maybe in the chest stomach you feel a little little stress somewhere just notice it just be aware of it [Music] and breathe deeply just deep breath breathe deeply and see if you can draw your mind to a memory a memory of a place maybe a vacation somewhere you went an object maybe something that when you think about it could even be a person it could be someone in history maybe but when you think of that place or that object or their vacation that scene it brings tremendous relaxation and happiness to you and just breathe and see if you can notice that and think about that place for me it was a fishing trip with my father shalom i was 15 we're in the south of england on a shingle beach i can hear the waves as they lap up onto the beach i can hear the fox iron from the lighthouse down the beach can hear the seagulls i can taste the salt in the air i can feel the warmth of the sun as it comes through the clouds see if you can find a place a memory something from your past that when you focus on it when you just train your mind to think of it you feel that little knot inside you relax you can feel the tension melt [Music] as you sit and just breathe and take your mind to that place and just enjoy that moment this is your resource this is your gift that when you feel terribly stressed when you feel offline you take a moment and you go to this place and you focus your mind only on that great memory that wonderful scene that peaceful picture and breathe slowly till you bring yourself back online until the threat has passed until you feel yourself become you again this is a simple grounding consider it a gift to yourself that when you're under terrible stress and anxiety and fear before you react before you say anything before you act out of your five-year-old or your 14 year old go here take a moment and go to this place and then return to life okay [Applause] hello hello hello hello we're there it's offline we're very good it's offline are we online no okay i'll go here and oh hello okay so i really hope everyone enjoyed that take that home with you when you recognize you've gone to that place take a moment it doesn't take long just ask for just a few minutes and go and sit somewhere quietly and come back online and then we go back to life we are under crisis mode almost all the time we live in crisis we have to be respectful but because we live in crisis chances are we will frequently go offline respect it don't be afraid of it don't be ashamed of it but take a moment to ground yourself so we can then go back to life with the prefrontal cortex back online where we can have a tuned communication where we can really connect where we can be kesha davshi we can be in cash air we can be connected because that's what this program is all about is teaching us how to connect and reconnect with our children and the person you want to connect with most is your spouse modeling that connection with your spouse is the greatest gift you're ever going to give your kids there is no gift greater there are no bombs gifts you know allowances there's actually no drugs or anything else on earth that benefits a child even in their mind more than when they observe the love between their parents it's the most healing and stabilizing thing we can offer our children and that brings us to the title of today's presentation working together to help our kids this was a preamble this was an introduction so you can understand why it's so crucial this subject of working together to help our children because without it it's exceedingly difficult to see the paris results we look for what time do i have to go dalio what time okay so let me introduce an idea and then we're gonna afterwards go into the meat and material here's an idea my good friend rabbi schwartz who joined us in mesa bush and he joined us here for the first time maya did nephesh he and i talk a lot about these in yanum and he has a favorite joy when he speaks he used to speak as a rav about shalom by as he gave it up and he and i feel the same way he likes talking about mach like a spice not shalom bias it's our favorite subject why because much like a spice is really the issue shalom is easy the problem is when you're having a much like us that's the problem when you're different when you disagree with each other especially us who are in crisis mode and frightened and terrified and start disagreeing with each other the question is how do you have a productive much like us how do you disagree in a way that can help your children and not hurt your children and it turns out actually it's the best thing in the world much like is through that we teach so much to our children the stabilizers and makes them feel safe and secure by them learning how we disagree how do different people get along with each other and respect and love each other this is so meaningful and powerful for us to help our kids recover and to come back to healthiness there are two common outcomes of mush lakers bias one when it doesn't work out very well and one when it does when it doesn't work out well it leads to regression at least of feeling threatened it leads to criticism to blame to shame to argumentativeness and that almost always forces a regression on someone to protect themselves because they feel threatened and criticized it takes them to a place of unhealthiness it takes them out of the prefrontal cortex machelechus bias not handled properly takes us to a place an infantile regressed state where we certainly can't help our kids in that place impossible it puts us into a fight and flight it brings out the worst in us let's be honest when we're in a massive where we feel threatened and criticized undermined it brings out the worst in us because basically what we're trying to do is protect ourselves that's the outcome we want to avoid what's the what's the desired outcome the desired outcome if we learn this properly or this is what we're going to be discussing this and now and in the next session the desired outcome is that it's goof for the much macholicas between you that creates love and harmony between you and love in your home it's the very fact that you're different and you feel differently even in a crisis mode about what to do or what to say or how to handle a situation where you handle it properly that actually creates the love that you really want between you and the security and stability of your children of their lives in your home it's the difference between you that can bring you to that love when we're as we've you know we've talked about this many many times that define me more than i can love you right the theme of how we try and help our kids as they defy us and we love them back more through their defiance it's dafter when they're defiant that we can heal them because if they're compliant then they're just doing it for us they're not healing but when they're defiant and we love them back and we love them strongly that's when they heal so the process for us is to learn to respect the reality that we are going to disagree with each other very strongly as husbands and wives we've talked as other josh as we've said in previous years the chances of us getting along naturally is zero men and women were made by robonautical not to get along naturally and it's that process of us working on each other or on ourselves rather to respect and connect and love and care and tune in while maintaining who i am it's that process that actually creates love what do we say i think we said it almost to every conference because it's so crucial love is the emotion experience or feeling that occurs when on a consistent basis husband and wife are able to put the others needs before their own needs when the two sets of needs are in conflict if your two sets of needs are not in conflict you don't create love you have pleasant life maybe but that doesn't create love but when the two of you feel strongly differently about anything in life and you have strong feelings and you work out how to attend to each other's needs and work hard to put the other first to respect their needs and you both work at it that creates love and it's that kind of love that our children need now if we're going to help them through their parties if we're going to help them recover if we're going to help them survive they need to witness and see this and feel this otherwise everything else it just doesn't work in practice what does it mean that we're going to disagree with each other and work out how to meet each other's needs what in practice what am i doing i'm getting the chance to recognize that i'm not always right now that's a novel idea for some people but the fact is what is the chance of me being always right the fact that i feel strongly a certain way about something that can't make me right and what's so interesting is that the chances what's the chances of my spouse agreeing with me fully with what i believe is right zero so in a healthy marriage what we're working towards is understanding that the first thing i get to realize is that i'm not always right unless like as i said that's a novel idea for many people because we hide behind the belief that we are always right and when we get married we very quickly realize it's not true when we embrace that truth and we go on the journey of discovery to realize i'm not always right and on the contrary my spouse can teach me and i want to learn their truth as i go on that journey i free myself from my ego you know i free my i do my job in this world i move on that journey to fulfill why i'm here in the first place but most of all i get to realize that i was threatened and therefore offline by the fact that my spouse thought or felt differently to me about something crucial something with the kids something with the family and i get to realize that i can stay online i can stay connected i can honor their point of view their feelings and stay connected to that by respecting it and the magic of love starts to happen as long as i stay locked into my own belief of me being right then i don't have the magic of love i won't experience love but true love comes to a couple to a relationship when you're willing to step outside your own ego and respect someone else's point of view and embrace it and in and love it and accept it as equally as you accept your own and that's when love happens and imagine the benefit and the gift to our children when that happens what is love then it's the acceptance of the other person your spouse the acceptance of their right to feel differently to you can i just say that again so you get that the deep acceptance of the right of your spouse to feel differently to you is what creates love and what we're going to discuss now is this is the heart of the crisis approach whether you call it twisted parenting crisis whatever working with our children the heart of this approach is the ability of us to bring love true love into our homes where our children will want to be close to us they'll want to stay connected to us they will want to learn from us they'll want to be in our world in our daladamus whatever that means because we've created a loving environment and there's nothing more meaningful for them than that and the place we create that is between ourselves husband and wife when we create true love in our homes we create the foundation the fabric on which we build crisis and unless we do that first the chances are that all the well-meaning interventions may not work so i think i'm going to stop here and we're going to pick up on exactly how we do this what is the process next in the next session thank you very much