Rabbi Shimon Russell

okay so we were in the middle of a mach lakers so we're going back into makhalakis suppose it says initially upon him can leave just like water reflects back the face that's looking into it circus if it's happy and smiling then you see a smiling face if your mouth was thoughts of us if it's miserable you'll see a miserable face can't leave adam adam so is the heart of man to man if you have a heart it's time on your friend his heart will be happy too and if you have bad feelings they'll feel bad too you do the capacity shot we all know come on upon him but you know what science finally caught up with hazal finally and we learned hidushim from the world of science that is reflected in this ghazal and it's always like that we just see it time and time again and i want to just mention something that a concept that i'd like to you know again to share with you we should take home with us and understand this concept so there was a big machadish in the field of psychology his name is dr stephen porges fine person and he was behind you something called polyvagal theory we're not going to go into the whole thing but there were three concepts he was makhadesh in this polyvagal theory the first was a tremendous kidush called neurosception what's new reception so a word he made up no deception it's just like we have perception i perceive through my senses we perceive things and what he recognized is in the world of safety there's something called neuroception your nervous system long before you're cognitively aware of what's going on around you but your nervous system is already picking up details of threat this is called neuroreception everyone knows this when you walk into your house one night and there's a mood there's a massive yeah you know what i'm talking there's a feeling there's something there that you're you're nodding do you understand what i'm talking about this is called neurosev good you know like what's up and you know something's up your nervous system is already putting you into a place i don't know if you're aware of it where you're already entering in defensively this is one of his big you you're consciously perhaps not aware yet but internally you feel it if you can tune into it you know you're aware of it and you're already acting defensively which of course you can imagine combined ponder my upon him what happens when your spouse picks up that which your nervous system picks up in your spouse of their discomfort with you because you're late the supper's burnt you didn't come home on time where were you shopping too long who knows what the issue is but you're already picking it up and bouncing off each other before you even said a word this is called new reception and we have to learn to trust our new reception and i'll tell you why because if we can tune into it we'll become aware it is exist if you can just accept it it's true and when you start picking up those feelings recognize the likelihood is you just became defensive you just became protective and the next thing out of your mouth if you're not careful will be something that protects you from the person you perceive your spouse who's threatening you and of course how do you think they'll receive that exactly and so it goes by to invite inviter first concept i want to talk about this idea of neuroreception that we could embrace and understand when you're picking something up you probably are and you need to own that quickly or you're going to get defensive i know i know what she's thinking no it's true there's nothing i share with you that i haven't suffered through miserably myself this i promise you this is first-hand experience i promise you there's a second kind there's three but i'm going to leave one out hierarchy we'll leave that alone but i want to go to a second concept that he talks about that is so profound and so crucial to us and again it's sort of where science catches up with hazal and it's just so beautiful when you see it as a concept he called co-regulation and it's such a profoundly important concept that we i'm telling you when we go home from this conference please embrace these concepts write them down get them think of them and live with them neuroception and co-regulation what's co-regulation co-regulation is something so awesome and powerful it's a gift that a mister gave us that you can change someone's heart you can change their feelings through the way you relate to them co-regulation means that i when i'm faced with the awareness of the neuroception that my wife is upset with me and i'm feeling it and i don't know why co-regulation when i see with my own eyes that her face has dropped and she seems upset that i calm myself and i tune in and inquire tell me honey what's that about what's going on and i do that gently i do that lovingly i do that respectfully honey help me out what's going on what is it you're feeling and she observes in my affect she observes in me caring for her feelings and her feelings change as always tell my wife you can't not love me not possible all i have to do is act loving all i have to do is tune into her feelings in a loving way and you can't not love me when we spoke at mesmer's the last conference this niftledicker conference that we had that was so life-altering it was so incredible i spoke about take a look at the if you haven't yet seen the videos from that conference the one i spoke about been sir of america and i spoke about meta communication you see when we communicate with each other there's the words i'm saying to you there's my facial expression there's my tone of voice and there's my body language and when the words are inconsistent with the facial expression tone of voice or body language which one do you think we listen to and trust absolutely should i do it again i can say the words i love you in a way you know damn well i hate you i love you your honor i said those three words i love you yeah i love you co-regulation means i harness the power of my facial expression my tone of voice my body language i own that i recognize the gifts hashem gave me in my facial expression body language and tone of voice and combined pawn him upon him can lay for autumn i can change her feelings these are gifts hashem gave us that we need to use we need to recognize that neuroception that there's something off going on if we're picking it up it's real instead of the again you're in a mood what now okay what did i do honey i'm picking something up can i be helpful can i understand what's bothering you can i know you because what experience for a human being for a husband and wife is greater than being known what is more meaningful to any of us than when our spouse knows us and they know how we feel when they reach the side to connect and know who we are even if they disagree even if they feel differently but they want to know us what experience is better none this is so crucial to what we're attempting to do all of us by creating this environment for our children well they'll want to reattach to us because after all what happens when our children go through their struggles and we didn't know about how to do crisis we never heard of twisted parenting never heard of me if avi of anyone you never heard of anything what did you do well i'll tell you did everything wrong that's what we did i need a heritage i was first in line for doing everything wrong we all did everything wrong and our kids detached from us because it wasn't safe to be around us and the life we were trying to give them didn't feel safe to them because we didn't know them and we didn't understand them the place where they learn to reattach to us is through us is with us is witnessing that willingness and desire to know each other to reach into each other to love each other that creates the environment within which the magic can work when you have a macholicus husband and wife there are three options in front of you two bad ones and one great one the first option is where you believe in your head that essentially i'm right and you're wrong i don't know if anyone's ever experienced that but if you have you know it has a very bad outcome the problem with i know i'm right and you're wrong is that chances up your neuroception will help and when you hop you will not be happy to know that i believe you're wrong and i'm right so i activate you because i believe i'm right and you're wrong i activate you to make you defensive i put you offline which basically wrecks everything for both of us because then you attack me back to protect yourself so the moment you believe between husband and wife i'm a hundred percent right and the other person is wrong you're both wrong you're done it's a very dangerous place to be because you know you're going to activate your spouse who will then activate you and you'll both be offline and it'll be very miserable what's option two it's also a bad option option two is you're right i'm wrong bad option number one is you don't believe it you don't believe it and guess what your body language facial expression tone of voice and body language will tell her or him then i know you're wrong i'm just saying it yeah you're right you're right okay you're right fine you're right how convincing was that it's like just slap him in the face now you're playing games you're patronizing me any belief based on i'm right and you're wrong or you're right and i'm wrong chances are you're both going offline and you're going to have a miserable much like us it's not productive what's the healthy place to be is we're both a bit right and we're both a bit wrong i have what to learn from you and your uniqueness your perspective is not mine and i have what to learn from you and your spouse can respond and i have more to learn from you when i it's not about right or wrong and when you have that your body language informs your spouse i care about what you have to say i value your opinion and in that act and in that moment you are co-regulating do you understand what you're doing for each other you're co-regulating you're picking up this is like incredible darker stick and neuroscience but your nervous system is picking up the i'm safe with you and when i'm safe with you i relax and i don't get defensive and i breathe and i feel cared for and understood and loved and then we can have a productive disagreement this couldn't be more crucial for everything you're going to learn this weekend and everything we try to do to try and help our kids without this we basically undermined everything we're doing there couldn't be anything more important than working out how to do this and i'll tell you why because of the gift of attachment you see when you do this when you co-regulate when you tune in and respect the fact that you know what i'm a little bit right you're a little bit right i'm a little bit wrong your little brother you know we have what to learn from each other let's do this together we each have different perspectives not only do you attach to each other not only do you connect to each other but you provide an environment in which it is safe for your child to reattach to you and after all what is this all about what is keshianovshi nafshokura banoffshire it's about reattachment we all recognize we're losing the attachment to our kids they've disconnected from us they don't want us or our values rahman al-islam they don't want it and they've gone through their traumas and struggles and we're desperately trying to reconnect them the primary reconnection is through the environment we create at home if we don't create the attachment to each other then we don't create the potential for their reattachment to to us does that make sense it is crucial this is not just living a nicer life this is fundamental to everything we're trying to teach and bring awareness to this is an absolute critical fundamental piece of this puzzle for how we're going to reattach and help our kids to come back to us we do not we do not create the magic of inspiration that brings our kids back we don't do that that almost always happens somewhere else a mentor a rebbe a friend a girlfriend or a boyfriend who knows where it happens but it almost always happens out there it doesn't happen from us but it almost never happens if we don't facilitate the reattachment with our children the environment where they want to fantasize and believe that this is an environment they want to be part of and the way we create that environment is through the authentic reattachment or healthy attachment between husband and wife is where we create the primary attachment the the environment where they want to be back in our lives i cannot understand how crucial this is i want to say again as i said at the beginning that for those at this stage of life who do not have a spouse to practice this with practice this with everyone around you practice this on the phone with friends practice this with relatives practice this with the children create an environment where around you your interest is connecting attaching knowing creating safety this is what we have to do if we're going to get our kids to come back what is validation so validation means that i acknowledge to my spouse that i respect your right to feel differently to me about life i respect the fact that i and you don't agree on everything it's impossible we can't but i utterly respect your right to feel differently than me about anything and again this is crucial because we're here in crisis mode i don't mean this second i hope i'm not putting you into crisis this moment i don't mean we'll get jack of solomon back up here to get you out of crisis mode no what i mean is in our lives with our kids we all know this we're living a life where we feel under siege when we feel every second who knows what could go wrong what could happen next what crisis we're facing today tonight tomorrow it never ends every moment seems to be another twist and turn we're in crisis mode in crisis mode you go offline as i said before in crisis mode you go into self-preservation in crisis mode it's very hard to connect with your spouse naturally because everything's so scary so frightening therefore how much we have to work we us and i want to tell you it's a beautiful thing because what do we have what are we saying suffocate we're going to create love we're going to create loving marriages loving homes loving environments we're going to thank our children as i said to our eldest daughter when she asked michaela from me and i told the libra you gave me more than you took from me i was referring to this you gave me more than you took from me because you forced me to go to a place to create a loving home and environment that i probably never would have stumbled across if not for the desperate need to help you this is the gift we have here when you're in crisis mode it's incredibly easy to undermine your spouse because you feel desperate you feel like no no no they can't do that they can't don't let them do that and this hand is basically wiping your spouse out no please come on no making them feel like two cents and stupid when you're in crisis mode we feel desperate so we need to contain that we need to recognize that we need to ground ourselves and hold ourselves and recognize the power of co-regulation that by me controlling myself and smiling lovingly and warmly at my spouse as we process the difficult questions we're constantly going to have the difficult decisions we're constantly going to have that we are we have to process them with love what could be so bad we are forced of all people in the world to create the highest level of loving homes that could exist that's what we're forced to do is that so bad i don't think so we are to do it this is what we owe to our kids and so we must validate the right of my spouse not to be me to feel differently to think differently to be different to me they're not me and you're going to see it differently and i have to control the way i engage you when i recognize that you want to do it differently to me okay i hear tell let me learn what can i learn from you let me learn your perspective let me see what you think and how you feel let me do that calmly and if you can't go into the other room for a minute and ground yourself go sit in the car and ground yourself and come back and say honey i'll speak to you in a minute trust me they'll be grateful when you come home at night and you're walking in expecting who knows what before you if you have a combination number on your doors you know the old days we have keys because they don't have a key anymore i have no clue i think everyone's like oh the you know the combination thing but before you walk in the house ground yourself ground just you don't know what's behind that door you don't know what crisis is lying there for you now when your spouse calls three times in a row before you answer ground yourself because you have no idea what's coming co-regulate each other let's use the power of co-regulation combined polynomial that our hearts should be in love and caring and supportive of each other we owe this to our children do we get this do we understand this this is so crucial validating doesn't necessarily mean you agree this is the big mistake most people have how could i validate her you know then she'll think i agree with her it's just not true validating means i believe you have a right to feel differently to me and i honor that right and i have no clue maybe you're right and i'm wrong i don't know validating doesn't mean i have to become this yes i agree with you you're right i'm wrong that's partial patronizing validating means i respect your right to feel and think differently to me especially in this crisis situation we're in right now you come home imagine the following you come home and there's a massive there's an atmosphere it's gone on for a few days now eventually one of you says something like you know you've been very cold these last few days big mistake by the way mistake to which she responds i've been god and she burst out crying what are you crazy you know how horrible you've been to me this last week me horrible to you i'm just asking walking out on eggshells around you i i know what's going on with you with me i'm telling you i'm reacting to you and before you know it we all know how unpleasantly that ends not validating your spouse's experience puts them on the defensive instantly puts them on the defensive your spouse says i've been feeling your cold to me be curious really i'm unaware i didn't know tell me more about it ground first hold yourself together and be curious about what that means i wasn't aware imagine the difference now in that conversation when you look at her and say i i truly wasn't aware tell me what you're seeing in me and guess what maybe we'll learn something maybe we'll learn something that we can humble ourselves and be more honest about ourselves maybe we'll actually realize that i was completely disconnected maybe i was so scared about what's going on my kids i was just shut down and frightened and disconnected and maybe my spouse is really hurting because i'm so cold and disconnected and they're taking it very personally and i i'm clueless because i'm just in my flight and flight i'm just scared i'm just shut down but imagine how horrible it turns around the other way when your reaction is you know you think i'm cold let me tell you how you've been treating me it's a disaster ground and be curious this word curious is a beautiful word by the way it's a wonderful i'm just curious say to your dry it with your spouse you'll see that it puts an instant smile on their face it's a magic this is for all the guys here next time your wife's upset with you go out and say i'm just curious i really want to understand that better you watch her face like grins instantly what is that because you're interested you're curious you want to know her most of us men are not deliberately out to lunch i want to be honest this isn't a choice we made we didn't drink the out to lunch coffee every morning right am i right we're going to be out to lunch we didn't drink that cup every morning just so we can be out to lunch we have a gift men it's a wonderful gift we have the gift that we can like create dissociative disorder in ourselves like this we can disappear into a sugar into work into anything other than listening to you let's be honest it's a gift hashem gave it to us it's not our fault when you personalize that gift that hashem gave us we don't take that well mostly because we're still not hearing you and we have no clue why you're so hard on me we have to be curious if a wife says to her husband i'm curious honey i don't know if you're aware and i'm sure it's not deliberate have you any idea what i'm feeling most men have no clue what you're feeling let's be honest we don't have a clue but when you ask us like that we often say nothing am i right we have no clue what to say how are you feeling for us that's like i think i have to go to my room [Applause] we thank you vervino for my riff trust me it isn't personal it's because we're men but if you're curious about us and you smile it's amazing and you smile at me and say i'm just curious does it work absolutely she said look at that absolutely and you smile that's co-regulation do we understand this co-regular i have the power to turn what was otherwise going to be a disaster when she says have you any idea what i'm feeling this will not end well again you're upset what i do this time but when you're curious and you say to him honey have you any clue what i'm feeling have you any idea it's okay i love you just give you an idea what i'm feeling i'm just curious okay i think i can work with that you're curious about how said again what i'm feeling no what i'm feeling oh right i got it one thing you're curious about do i understand what you're feeling can you give me some options let's start like give me a list let's do multiple choice like but at least he's interested co-regulation we the world of crisis that's our world we're always in crisis so we're always partially offline that was the other joshua we're always offline so we're always in crisis it's always scared it's always protective so we have to create these marvelous marvelous relationships between us where we co-regulate each other we bring each other online we help stay present and the word curious happens to be a marvelous word i'm just curious honey how you feeling i'm curious if you know how i'm feeling i'm curious if you know i'm scared i'm curious if you know how frightened i am and so we connect because we do it in a way that says i'm not your enemy i'm your friend i'm with you i'm here with you i want to know you this creates the foundation on which we hope our children will observe and feel safe with us and desire to be with us around us because they see and feel that safety they witness it they experience it we co-regulate them it doesn't make sense this is so profound if you don't do that you end up you end up arguing about the mathias i never said that i never said i know you're talking about i never said that yes you did you said it i heard you say it actually what they're really saying is i know well they're not saying this but this is what they're actually saying if we could like annotate i understand the words you said did not say that when you said to me leave me alone you thought you said i need some space i just need some space that's what you thought you said but when you said i need some space you said leave me alone bug off leave me alone get out of here you're bothering me and you actually thought you said i need some space honey i need some space just need some space which is a totally legitimate thing to need but your body language facial expression and toner voice didn't say i need some space they said leave me alone get away from me you're bothering me you're threatening me your happiness in your marriage depends on your ability to co-regulate because there will always be conflict between us sign me said what i have explained time and time again that men and women don't get along naturally that's obvious but in the world of crisis with our children in severe crisis with their really difficult problems and struggles and pains and embarrassments and shame and protection of other children and and the neighbors and the school and the phone calls and everything else we got to deal with and all that while she's walking out the house barely clothed in the middle of the winter we're in crisis mode we have to respect that in crisis mode the worst of us comes out not the best of us and what our children need to witness at that precise moment is us co-regulating each other tuning into each other being sensitive to each other being kind to each other validating each other's right to be them if you're scared i get it for years my wife and i took turns when one of us just blew a fuse we'd step in and send the other one go take some time out i'll take over i'll take over it's okay and you give them time out and it's so appreciated because you can't live in crisis every single second so you have to tune in for when that viewers is about to flip and reach into it with your spouse and say maybe i'll take over now you go take some time off go to sleep go for a walk go for a drive go shopping whatever you need i'll take over we have to tune in which means we have to be curious about how your spouse feels all the time and we have to express that curiosity with our facial expression our body language and our tone of voice because if you don't they will hear the opposite our goal is to validate the right of our spouse to feel different we're going through crisis with our kids all of you have had the painful experience everyone here of trying to get absolute clarity from someone about what you should do next has anyone not had that experience when you were desperate to get someone on the phone who could just tell you what to do next because you felt desperate and you can't get that person on the phone and you don't know what to do next and you're in a desperate mindset you feel desperate and such a massive the f such a such a situation engenders fear anxiety pushes you offline again into fight and flight back into a safe space and in such a pace we're going to hurt each other and the very thing we're trying to achieve is undermined by the fact that we just hurt each other because whatever you do now is worthless i promise you it's no no benefit at all none if your child is experiencing dissonance between their parents then whatever you do fails we have to learn that even if i disagree with you i'm going to validate your point of view i'm going to respect how you feel just as i would hope you would respect how i feel and we have two different opinions let's process it together let's work it out but let's not have a battle here of wills about proving who's right because i'm desperate and feel frightened and we're going to bash each other and hurt each other in this desperate process to make the right decision people fight about mathias all the time i did say this i didn't say this you know my office people always want to roll the camera they wish they tell me they swear and it's fascinating the two people would both wish that we'd roll the same film the same video to prove that they are both right how's that possible he says you didn't i didn't say that i never said that it's not true and she said yes you did you did say that and they both want to roll the camera because they're 100 convinced that the camera will show they were right how's that possible and the answer is because your body language facial expression your tone of voice said the different message to your spouse and they learned that message and fighting about messi is a waste of time if your spouse says you why do you treat me like that you were so patronizing don't put me down in front of the kids to debate whether or not i put you down what a waste no i never put you down let's try imagine this this love this logic no i didn't put you down how many of you have a spouse who turns around and says oh well thank you for correcting me i feel better now that feels better no no i really okay i didn't realize my feelings obviously are wrong it's good great thank you that feels marvelous no one was ever angered into agreement think about it no human being was ever angered into agreement they might be angered into compliance but it's a total fantasy internally they totally disagree with you so what's the point co-regulation tells me that i have to tune into who you are and how you feel and i have to validate your right to feel differently to me do you have a right to feel that you're not me making you should be me and maybe you're even more right than i am and maybe i have something to learn from you and we have to discipline ourselves to learn to be curious about those differences i want to know you and when you reach into a relationship willing to know your spouse especially when they feel differently to you you create love and your children see that love and they feel that love i want to review none of these are there i just want to bring out this issue of validating like deeper so i'm going to review seven different ways that we validate each other and we disagree right we disagree with each other there's seven different ways none of them are more important than the others each one talks to different people that's why i talk about different ways because we relate to them all differently you don't have to have them all whichever one they all say the same thing but they're all nuanced to relate to different people because we relate to this word validation differently listening let's start with the first one probably the most important way to validate your spouse is by actually listening to them now that sounds like obvious i think no okay so now for the record all the ladies just went like this just for the records and all the men did this let's talk about listening listening what does it mean to listen listening means and this is incredible hiddish amazing shocking actually means you do not interrupt your spouse till they finish speaking try it don't interrupt them till they finish speaking wait and actually when they finished and you have a suffolk they finished because it's only a sophic they might just be getting air inside so they can recharge and go vita notice the ladies all know that we stop when we run out of air see there's some guy visiting yeah don't interrupt till they finish speaking and you know what when you think think they finish say honey did you finish [Laughter] is coming you see these ladies they are mushy is coming before the shabbos is over honey did you finish do you have more to add i would love to hear more of your thoughts and feelings don't interrupt to disagree with them don't disrupt interrupt till they finished and inquire have you finished i'm happy to hear more don't defend yourself there's a word it's a common word in english language i would like to suggest you get rid of it when you're talking to your spouse the word is but never start a sentence with but you can say and you say honey i heard what you said and i feel this way. but you could never say hani i heard what you said but i feel this way because usage of that word says you're wrong you're stupid i'm not interested in what you have to say don't say but say end don't if you have one look at your watch when your spouse is talking oh excuse me let's be precise don't look at your watch when your wife is talking women don't do that because they love it when we talk to them don't look at your watch you know you should only look at your watch if you're worried about sofa and krishna and when you finished eating flakes otherwise keep that thing covered when you're in the house definitely not when you're talking to your wife don't peek at your watch but jacob mentioned about the cell phone okay speaks for itself let's move on okay enough said it's too painful let's just move on from the cell phone but i think maybe in the oven we got the point when you're listening to your wife listen to your wife listen to your spouse listen to them even if you disagree even if you feel differently don't interrupt don't defend and definitely do not say but when they finished talking say if you really have to say end and i'll tell you the best thing to do the best thing is if you really disagree profoundly you say i hear repeat back to them what they said so they know you heard and then ask for time to think about it ask can i have some time i'd like to think about i hear what you're saying this is what i heard you say did i get it right okay let me think about it that's like am i right that's like top run home run whatever you do don't say but don't interrupt we have to listen to each other because listening says i validate you i validate your right to be you i validate your right to think the thoughts you have and i even validate that you may be more right than me i don't know we'll find out try and repeat it back and if need be ask for time just to think it over and then address it later that's listening supporting supporting means like this even if you believe that the goals of your spouse are unattainable or just stupid it's crazy it doesn't make any sense what you want to do you want to open a whole school somewhere with cows and a ranch you know you're gonna you know you can import you know 15 you know people to run it and you're going to pay for them and yeah you can raise the money don't worry it's easy you know it's like support them support each other even if you think that the goals or ideas they have for saving your child or helping your life are unattainable or just not realistic but support them that okay i hear let's think about it let's think it through maybe fighting about it is for sure worse for your kids so even if you think it's crazy listen to it support it i hear you let's think about it you go uh you go to avi and he tells you the husband here you gotta i'll tell you what you do you're gonna take your kid and you're gonna go to alaska salmon fishing for 10 days get him out of brooklyn 10 days salmon fishing in alaska five-star hotel you gotta go come home all pumped this is what i'm doing and your wife looks here and says i don't know i don't know if it makes sense you can't do that first listen maybe it's a great idea i hear let's think about it support the idea you come up with a crazy idea it doesn't matter maybe it's a perfect idea i don't know the fact that i think it might be crazy does not mean that you think it's crazy support the idea and acknowledge we'll talk about it we'll discuss it even if you think it's nuts it makes no sense and anyway he just wants to get off work and go fishing you know with his you know and you're left at home with like you know nine kids and eight of them have covered and he's off to alaska in the five-star hotel very nice i don't blame you i'm going to what kind of business is this support him even you think it's a tremendous investment in time and it just makes sense support him discuss it later i hear the idea i hear encourage each other even if you think the choices you're making or the things the projects you're trying to do are unrealistic or unreasonable encourage each other you're trying don't knock it you hear someone comes up with a great idea right you can't no no that's never gonna work what kind of business is that where's the co-regulation where's the love and caring don't ever say no that's never gonna how do you know you're nobby maybe it will work you have an opinion you think it might not work okay we'll discuss that later but encourage you're trying to come up with ideas we're all in crisis we're all in crisis we're desperately trying to come up with ideas and answers and some of them are going to be crazy someone once told me years ago i met someone who was a very young executive in advertising on madison avenue they taught me something so amazing so profound it was life-altering for me young lady she was an executive and she told me that she changed her i said how did you become an executive in advertising so young she was barely 30 and she was like a big executive already she said she came up with an idea that changed her firm what was the idea she said when they had a product to sell you know they bring the product i don't know a cop a bottle a plane something they want to sell it say a group a team is given the idea come up with a marketing idea how to market this product and they come up with the idea and they meet weekly and they come up with the ideas and they present their ideas to each other and she noticed that when around the table they went round the table presenting their ideas you could see people's faces going like this you know and the ruach the spirit in the room dropped you know who's going to be willing to say something nutty creative if everyone's faces are going like this where's the creativity it's all gone so she came up with the kids and they promoted her to executive this was her she said every time someone presents an idea everyone gets out their seats and start clapping like crazy as they wow amazing amazing they're blowing you know what they call streamers what are they those things called and that it's a party and everyone jumps up and claps and applauds and cheers doesn't matter how stupid it is the idea everyone's applauding and going crazy and what they discovered was the creative juices of everyone in the room was freed everyone got freed up and she got promoted amazing amazing thing i realized how profound that is in life we're in crisis we're desperately trying to come up for ideas to maybe maybe improve the matter and help and when your spouse says it really yeah it won't work i'm a navi i know things and everyone just feels like okay be joyful support them it doesn't matter how crazy it is now she turns around to her husband and she says you know what i get a great idea i'm going to alaska with him you stay home with the kids okay great you want to go as long as one of us goes i don't care let's go you really want to go support the i one second you just told me it was a stupid idea now you're going to alaska support her she changed her mind she wants to go leave you home with a covered kids see how you manage even if you think they're unreasonable their ideas are crackpot nutty ideas cheer rejoice encourage make them feel special you know why because when you do that we all get creative and when you throw count the vasa every time now we can't afford it we got this i don't have time everyone the okay encourage them be excited about it doesn't matter whether you agree or not it's irrelevant but the more excited you are the more together you get creative and you find solutions and you find ideas and you create love respecting you have to respect the right of your spouse to think and feel differently to you you know we all float around in a deus bubble it's a bubble right there is the ramus is there is harvey island we're all in a bubble and we're all floating merrily around life in our bubble thinking i'm right about everything everything in my bubble's true everything outside is false i'm right about everything and we're floating around this deus bubble until someone comes and goes usually it's our kids by the way you have to respect the fact that your spouse is floating in their bubble totally as clear that everything inside their bubbles right and yours is wrong we're all floating away we're also in total world of demian thinking i'm right she's wrong and she's thinking i'm right he's wrong you know none of us are right we're all right we're all wrong we're all we have to respect each other's days bubble that we all see life different we have different life experiences we have to respect it you have to respect the fact that even though obviously go to alaska the only one of you agrees that alaska is a great idea but that doesn't mean you say you shouldn't go i don't have to agree that it's a good idea maybe it is maybe it's not i how could i know but if you believe it is i'm with you if you believe it is i'm with you i don't have to approve i believe it too i don't i don't but the fact that i don't believe it's true doesn't make it false and guess what the respect we have for each other by respecting your right to be different and to believe different is actually far more important overall in helping our children than whether this particular issue i was right or wrong it's not relevant the atmosphere of love and caring and respect for each other is far greater than this particular alaska trip so it makes sense trusting we have to trust each other you have to trust your spouse and their feelings and opinions even if they do not align with yours there is no way we're going to see life identical it's impossible we will actually frequently discover that we feel differently about things there are things that are of value to me that are not necessarily to my spouse of value and that doesn't make them bad or wrong or me right it just makes me different can i mention the plants plants can i mention oh good i like plants i talk to them and they grow in my presence i'm one of those people with a green thumb i actually do you know those ones those lilies with the red the store the red lily thing comes up in the middle right they're like green right how many how many lilies do you ever get like maximum at one time four or five right four or five you know what i'm doing those plants right they like these like nice lily things right you get four or five i have one in my office that has 22 and when i came back after the summer it was dead and i brought it back to life in my office my wife zazaine gazinstag thinks i'm tight my sugar in love with plants what is wrong with you she thinks i'm a semi nutcase if she catches me talking to them she's ready to call a psychiatrist she would be happy if they were all so can we just leave him alone and fine done but she loves me so therefore she loves me and my plants and lets me be with my plants i know she thinks i'm a semi nutcase i got it i know for the records it's my indulgence it's my thing i don't know why i love plants so much i got them all over the house i got a whole tree growing in the living room why isn't it gorgeous you have to admit right but it doesn't talk to her and if i go away for a few weeks i'll convey on those plans and i have to accept that and not expect that she should feel towards these plants like i do and maybe she will or maybe she won't it's not her job she doesn't have to be me i have to be me i cannot expect her to be me do you understand what i'm saying you have to trust your spouse's judgment one of you is going to alaska this is the bottom line trust me one of you is going and you have to accept that whether you can afford it or not whether you think it's right or wrong if one of you decides you're going trust them and go get into it accepting you have to accept each other for who you are not try and fix and change each other but to truly accept you for who you are you can never intimidate or manipulate or attempt to to change your spouse to be you it's an utter waste of time it will throw them offline you'll end up again in the fight and flight being defensive the whole circle of negativity starts you cannot you have to accept just about this is who you are and i have to accept you the way you are you know what i wish you would accept me the way i am with my flaws with my co-signers so i will honor you the same way i will accept you even when i have strong differences and i'm scared that the choices you're making may be bad i still accept your right to believe those choices are true and we have to talk it out okay no problem but i have to really accept in my heart of hearts that i do not have access to emis absolute truth i only have access to my truth you know because i'll say true truthful truth what what is regular truth if there's truthful truth because ms really is just my perception it's my i'll tell you the truth let me tell you the truth you know i'm going to tell you the truth you know what that means i'm going to tell you my humble opinion that could be wrong that's what it means when you say i'm going to tell you the truth that's all it means it's my humble opinion and i could be wrong it's a lot easier to say that the first time it works better in marriage can i share my humble opinion that might be wrong instead of saying i'm gonna tell you the truth is faced if you go to your local hamisha supermarket on a friday an interview every third person and ask them what is the best gefilte fish is it the one with sugar in or the sugar free the hamisha the hungarian style i even know people who like jarred filter fish sorry if i just insulted anyone they still sell it man chevrons right they still sell it what get him there you go i know people who like it it's shocking to me but they love john kefilterfield what is that are they jewish but if you go to your local supermarket and interview every third person about gefilte fish you discover there's a bell curve about kefilterfish there's people who like the heimisha and the hungarian and the extra sword there's also the excuse me the gluten-free you can't have a gluten-free i think there's even a coffee-flavored one did you know that coffee-flavored gefilte fish what i don't know people have different tasting of the fish and never there are people who like the jarred it's true if you know someone i have appointments for them available but there you are accepting your spouse is accepting the difference the bell curve of life and i don't necessarily know the truth and when you're in christ it's just again when i'm in crisis we're in crisis how can i accept what you're saying who knows what could be her that's always worse than accepting them and accepting the fact that whether you like it or not he's going to alaska he's going and you're home with the eight how many kids were covered i think there's nine now all nine they all got it we have to accept each other and understand we feel differently about life and that fight we're going to have makes it worse it's much worse it doesn't create the environment of safety in which our children can grow up and be healthy and reattach with us and the last one is this is number seven i've lost count is this number seven ah kevaldic always negotiate disagreements always always negotiate you see we're dealing again in the world of suffolk fish let's be real hey i'm coming to an end i am isn't it oh it wasn't see i was so scared there could you co-regulate me next time you walk past they smile at me or something you see what happened always negotiate disagreements because i need it i'm telling you two times you walk in france it's like thank you [Applause] because we're dealing with suffolk fish we know what we're dealing with so we get so scared and frightened always negotiate disagreements always don't fight it out you know the battle it feels like this the battle should be you know this battle you're having about who's right and wrong you want to lose the battle i don't care and i want to win the war the battle is with your spouse the war is with your ego and you want to lose the battle and win the war i want to fight my ego i want to get it out of the way because i want to create love i want to create an environment where my child can feel loved and cared for and they want to be part of this environment this is the most schmuck this beats being out on the streets of four and five o'clock in the morning because i have a cozy home i have a loving place they want to be there that's what we have to create so when you look at the alaska trip here's what it should sound like he comes home obviously they're going to alaska five-star hotel gonna rent her cruises of boats and go salmon fishing you know in alaska 10 days and you're staying home with the kids that's what he said avi said and she says no problem if that's what we have to do that's what you really feel it'll be very very hard for me i mean in fact with all the kids with covert whoa it's gonna be incredibly challenging but if you feel you have to and he says you know what that is a bit crazy all the kids were covered now you know what let's not do it now i'll do it another day she says no no go go i think you should go and he says no i think you should go you take the kids and she says really i should take the kids he says yes you you go with him look you know and she says no no no no you go and he said really i should go on my own to leave my eight-month pregnant wife at home with nine kids with covert and they both laugh and they both realize how ludicrous the whole thing is and they love each other and they work out how to handle it where no one's pressuring and no one's forcing and we're excited about the idea maybe we should wait a week and go next week what do you think or after the baby like you know and you work it out and you create love and that creation of love and closeness is more important than everything else in crisis we have to create that loving home that united front and if we don't the rest of the techniques and the skills they don't work can we understand that they don't work or should i say they have partial effectiveness that's probably more correct they have partial effectiveness they're not fully effective that's probably more true i don't want to say they don't work strike that from the tape okay we strike that from the tape they are only partially effective to be fully effective you create the home of love where you validate and respect each other you tune into each other you reach into each other to know each other here's the bottom line i'll finish with this is the take home those of you that are writing write this down did we print all those little cards i wanted to give out did we ever do it i am me no i can't foul we should what we'll get it yeah yeah i really wanted to have it but we forgot we were so phenomenal i wanted to have cards magnus to give him we couldn't get on time oh well that's just not good enough cadalia cadalia i know you tried as hard as you could and i want you to know i really appreciate it noticed his smile now i'm not looking at him but he's smiling am i right see that and i'm not even looking that's co-regulation celia here's the here's the summary and we'll finish with this i am me you are you we are we i am me i have to work out how to live with my spouse where i'm authentically me i live within the truth of who i am i can always feel safe to tell myself spouse honey i feel like this this is my opinion it doesn't make it right it's just how i feel i am me but i gotta work out a way to live authentically with me in a way that doesn't hurt you that's i am me you are you i have to respect the right of you to be you you're not me and i have to embrace and expect you to feel differently to me and i want to respect that you are you you're not me you don't have to be me and sometimes especially in crisis mode we both have to give up who we are and how we feel we are we we have to be bigger than each of our egos for the sake of our kids to put them first and put our needs lost sometimes we are we and we will not go on vacation we didn't do vacations for about a decade we gave up for about 10 years we did not go away together ever for about 10 years because we did we even though we wanted it we needed it we knew we couldn't do it and there are lots of things we have to give up together to help our kids but if we live within those principles of i am me and i work out how to be me in a way that doesn't offend you that's my job and we each have to do that and i can work out how to honor you to be you without trying to change you to be me and we can both recognize that sometimes we are we and we have to both give up and give up in a serious deep heart-wrenching way sometimes we have to give up our showers table the showers table that we dreamt of that we thought it was going to be we're going to give up sometimes the kadusha in our home to accommodate things that we never would have accommodated we're going to give up long devito at the table panchamus if you haven't yet do give it up we're going to give up the dreams we had early on in life because we're going to create an environment of love and harmony where our children will find a way back where they'll be accepted and loved we are we and we each give up of ourselves to create that environment this is the formula i believe this is the prerequisite on which everything in crisis and tp will then have a foundation which will be built and we can really help our children thank you very much one more second we have a small surprise for abrasion and russell for taking all this effort and coming here one more second ginger bring it in what's this what are you talking about oh my gosh you brackets [Applause] i want to introduce my marvelous wonderful son-in-law the rebel bearish barry [Applause] and my daughter alicia who taught us so much about life about love about marriage gave us so much when they got married this young couple do you want to say it huh you want to tell them we're going to have a chance there's a oh there it is there is i'm on the schedule he's [Laughter] [Applause] i didn't look yeah by say friday night we're gonna have a treat with this young couple and we're gonna tell you the truth that's me right there oh my gosh surprise event okay surprise guest okay thank you we'll talk then what's okay