Rabbi Goldman - Getting it right with our teenagers

good evening everybody thank you for joining again so tonight is the last session of the trilogy the last three weeks that we've been meeting and tonight was supposed to be a question and answer session where people are setting questions and indeed we've had lots of questions so Aminta jam will get the questions shortly obviously I won't be able to answer all the questions that came up but some of the questions we repeated numerous times so I'll address the ones that were asked by a few people rather than individual questions and we'll see how much we have time for first I'd like to start with a story that happened in the in the 1930s there was a year who lived in Poland called Bharat Frankel and Bob Franklin a friend of his were suffering and poverty was rampant in Poland and they felt that in order to better the lives of them and their families they would take the opportunity to take a ship to America the land paved with gold the golden of Medina and they would go over to America and try and make their fortune over there that's what they did they said goodbye to their families and it wasn't like nowadays away you can keep in touch with with social media with video calling there was only snail mail if that and telegram the other telegram not a telegram that we have know these are small phones we had the other telegrams where if there was an emergency it was very expensive but they could keep in touch somehow but they knew they weren't gonna see their family for a long time so they kiss goodbye to their wives and children they said goodbye to their loved ones their friends are the neighbors and off they went into the unknown and they traveled a long way they came to America and they went to set up businesses and bar owners friend when their own separate ways they both went to set up a business bar off had trouble securing a loan because he wasn't an American citizen so he searched around and he found somebody who was an American citizen who would be able to secure a loan I was willing to invest with borrow so the two of them went into they went into partnership together they did very well and did very well and they would send money home to their family back in Poland you can imagine those two very very long years before they felt that they were able securing to be able to go back home and take their money with them and so that both bought a ticket on the ship and finally after so long of having shibata's alone of not being not having their friends and family they were ready to go back to Poland just as ba was about to get on the ship he gets an urgent telegram that his father has passed away and he needs to sit Shiva so he asks a Shila and he's told you should sit Shiva over here so he tells his friend you go ahead I'll get a ticket next week I'll come and join you so the next week so bar sits Shiva his friend goes back to Poland and on the first day of schiller boss business partner comes into and he says borrow we've got to take an urgent loan out to expand the business I need you to sign these papers in your hands a machine I'm sitting Shiva just give me a chance get my head together can it not wait seven days his business partner says no no exclusion we've got to do now you don't need to do much just saying I'm Boris all very muddled he was expecting to be in a ship on the way about opponents already he signed the papers and his business partner goes on and borrows sugar after the sugar bar goes round to the shop he wants to pick up some money to buy a new train ticket he comes to his shop and he sees it's boarded up the shops closed down can't believe it he's built up a whole business over here and it seemed so close down he runs to the bank and he wants to take money out his cut his account and the teller tells him I'm really sorry your account is empty two years what do you mean I have a business account here together my partner she goes I'll put you in touch with the manager he meets the bank manager and the bank manager says then I'm sorry your business part is taken out all your money so he says how can I be but we just we just took a loan out together just a week ago alone yeah says I sign the papers so bossy bank manager look same years you didn't sign your loan papers you signed transfer papers those papers that your business partner brought to you were papers to transfer all your assets in all your rights to him and he went off with all the money you can imagine how devastated baraka was now that's picture for a moment somebody's been away from home so long desperate to see his wife and children he's worked so hard to build himself up from penny nut from from nothing to an entire business which is all gone in a flash Baro had every right to complain he came out he turns to Hashem and he says thank you Asha Thank You Hashem because if you've done this for me I have total amana it's for the best he picks himself up he looks around for jobs he's a butler somewhere he takes on odd jobs here and there and he scrapes around saving money here and there and at the same time he applies for American citizenship himself he doesn't want to trust partners again and it takes him time and it takes him ages and he works and the most horrible horrible jobs and eventually he scraped up enough money he's applied and he's he's gone to the offices and he's finally got American citizenship and he get his own loan-outs he takes out a loan and he starts again from scratch and never does he complain he always has a monitor Shem ham doing this for me it must be for the best it's another three years before Baro feels stable enough by now he's got a flourishing business he's an American citizen that he's ready to go home again he takes a ship home and he can imagine after five years of not seeing his family how excited he is missing out on his children growing up so many shell bosses Neyland to them and just impossible to imagine the difficulties that he's had in those five years but with a happy heart and trust in Hashem he takes the ship home by now it's the late 1930s in Europe and we all know what was going on in Poland in the late 1930s when Hitler did blitzkrieg and he came through the Nazis your master arm came through Poland borrow picked up his family and took them on a ship to America because he was an American citizen he was able to go to America and be saved whereas we know so many other millions of eden' died under the Nazis in Russia were killed now we see in this case that in this case Barr was lucky and Bob's family lived in America and thrived in America and to this day he has any class in America and we often don't know we can't see the future but at the time when Barack lost his business party he was sure the whole world has come to an end yeah he turned and he had their monitor if I was doing this film it must be for the best and this I heard this story for mr. Charlie Aurora he says himself that when a sham is guiding us sometimes he's testing us for sure he's testing us but what's he testing he's testing our money on him how much do we trust them and he gave an example of children who climb on a climbing frame he relates himself he had a climbing frame in his parents house and his children would go there and play and when his children were little he would say to them become climb with the climbing frame jump into my arms then he stretched out his arm to the child's obviously nervous to just jump off and tentatively they jump and the father catches him this happens once this happens twice so eventually the father you know the kids are ready to just freefall into the father's hands they know the father's gonna be standing there watching and he relates now once he was talking to someone at the corner his eye he saw his little child go the climbing frame and just saw freefall and he dived to save that child he died to catch his child and he says which father wouldn't dive to catch a struggling child and the same is true with a sham a shams orchestrating every single step of our way and we fall into our son's hands we just freefall we know you can a catch as a sham we know everything that's going on is being orchestrated by you and therefore we're happy to fall into your hands now sham says clown one step higher I want to twist a screw a little bit I'm gonna give you a more difficult the same stand one step higher I want you to jump into my hands and if we recognize that all the time that no matter what goes on in our lives and especially what's going on in our children's lives is all orchestrated from Hashem it makes it much easier to deal with all the questions that come up in funeral all the questions that come up as a bringing up our teenagers and we know for sure without a doubt that sham is the senior part in this case and since he's a senior partner he's the one who's pulling the strings he's the one who's guiding us what to do and if we just let ourselves allow ourselves to just fall into his hands to just free fall and know that a sham is with us all the way and it makes him much much easier much easier to be able to fall into his hand so with that in mind that at the end of the day whatever is happening to our children all the answers lie in our shams hands I'm going to try and address some of the questions that came up so the most common question that came up and it came out and putting back three questions together over here because these came out many people were asking me these questions so the first question is how do I deal with the sudden changes in my adolescence why are they suddenly so distant and I want to put this together with another frequent question that was coming up with it was are there any signs to look out for to see if my child has been abused being intimately abused what can I do if have suspicions that he or she has been abused and why wouldn't they tell me I've asked them so many times why can't they just tell me if they've been abused so let's deal with the first part of this question first and that was why what the how do I deal with the sudden changes in my teenager and why they suddenly so distant now what I'm gonna say is really most relevant for for teenage boys although although it does apply and it applies more to boys probably although my wife disagrees my wife says I should say that that it's important that mothers prepare their daughters properly as well for the teenage years well often the mother the mother and daughter relationship can be much closer a boy can be much more introverted and distance himself and I want to speak about this because I think it's really really important it's sunny which has been asked by many parents and it's something which comes up I see by working with teenagers this is something which comes up later on in their teenage years and they really struggle with this so I think it's extremely important to address so should help me say the right things but when a boy reaches adolescence when his when he reaches puberty when his body starts to change there's not just major changes happening in his physical body but also in his emotional mind as well which plays a huge mental strain on a teenager when they're growing up but I shan't gave this allowance we know I shall give the allowance to teenagers shares are punished before the age of 20 so we know there is muscle there is an idea that a teenager is that difficult and we know for sure are difficult in turbulent years but this crucial stage of their life when they start to hit adolescence 12 11 12 13 it's crucial that they do not think at that point they become disconnected from Torah and Judaism they cannot in any way think that the Torah doesn't deal with my situation today in 2020 the toy is irrelevant because it's a toy I knew what my struggles are or what - Jonas are you don't find that anywhere in the Torah we cannot allow that to happen under any circumstance it's really really important and I'll explain a little bit further bara Hashem is Vera to bring our children up big - avatar oh we have this of course we have beautiful schools we have beautiful moistness and especially the primary schools the children grow up relatively innocent and they've kept far away from the ideas of intimacy and sexuality they don't know much about these things compared to the honest I lean on them right yourself because for a young these are foreign concepts it's not something the brain can deal with so easily and it's something that is very difficult for them to grasp and understand now suddenly a boy hits adolescence his body starts to change and he starts having different feelings towards the opposite gender he has different feelings about himself and unless we're there to support them at that time through Torah through Yiddish guides and through Judaism to show them and this is how the Torah deals with this and you're not alone Hashem is always with you and we're always with you then they can start to feel extremely isolated from mainstream Yiddish kind unfortunately the schools are sometimes and advised by well-meaning grab on him on a certain way to tell our teenage boys about the changes they're going through they're told to tell the fathers the schools are advised bringing the fathers especially when his son goes into year 7 year 8 when you hit the bone it's fear that bring your child in which is very important you must bring your child in and or if you don't feel you can do it they tell them even worse go with your child to the RAF and sit there with the rock with your child at the RAF and your RAF should tell them now again I'm not speaking for it I know in America it's very different as well see soon I'm speaking about here in England and the RAF should all the father should tell them about what is happening in their body how their body shape and tell them how strict alvaro of hr0 vittala is of wasting their seed the boys have to know how hard our Veera is you tell them to take out with kids who show Honora show them the clay mahadeva show them the punishment show them how strict it is about terrible aver it is now even heard from him and now explain to them as like matzah it's like killing Shabbos that's what I'm an L told that was actually there to tell your children explain to them it's like little shadows now I have a license to say this because I've worked with so many teenagers the damage that this does to our teenagers and beyond to young married men and further is unbelievable if we are telling our children that Anna Vera like this which 99% of them one point in their life are going to be mixing it they're going to fall in the severa at some point every teenage boy of alcalá almost is going to fall in a severe at some point in his life and we're comparing it to fiddle Shabbos we're telling our teenagers if you give in to your strong yet to hora which of the eights are of the day then it's like being makalah Shabbos why should they keep Shabbos because they're gonna try again and again to be Omid binisaya they're gonna try and stand up to this Tyler to this Yates ahora which is gonna push them throughout the teenage years til they get married they're gonna think every time that over a Miss Alvira every time they do this they're gonna get such strict punishments they're gonna think to themselves this is like being my fellow Shabbos they might as well not keep Shabbos if I'm already being over if I'm already doing such a virus why should I keep Shabbos and if a sham hates me so much that he gives me this in the same these are words that I've heard tens of times if a sham hates me so much that he gives me this Messiah I've got nothing to do with it and then he punishes at me for me as what for me as well he punishes me for doing this a Vera I don't know how to do it that show I hate a sham for it that's what the teenagers are saying because they're told it's a holy mahadeva we're telling our children these are strict are various and these are the punishments for these are various we cannot we can't afford to teach our children now this Avera is something which you get a punishment for we are losing so many children because of it then we certainly cannot compare it to cuddle Shabbos we cannot foretell our children feel like they are a shame because they end up feeling that they're so far from where they really need to be we have to talk to them in their language we have to realize and address the world that they're living in it's full of all the information if they want they can get their hands on it and as soon as we're speaking a language that they can't relate to that these are our various and this is a frame Adama and this is a terrible terrible thing and the punishment is this and that and the other then we become irrelevant and all that we stand for becomes irrelevant what Hashem there's an amazing organization in America which is called gy e which is God stands for guard your eyes which helps adults with teenage addictions and they brought out together with a B lambda who's a chef and one of the achievers in they brought out an amazing and amazing country it's an amazing booklet this booklet is called the kadesha talk and this is unbelievable it's written so well to bring out the best way to speak to our teenagers in their language for 2020 I've discussed with my Rob before but this is the correct way of doing it then he said of course it is and it's no different in American children to English children but they're all made the same way back at historical they're all made by the same Hashem and allow me to just read out from the bit from the endorsements written by rabbi Rafael and the Russia Shiva of Maryland Baltimore and also from le abroad me to put this into perspective about how we must and it's such an important topic cuz we could save our children like this there are a thousand rights like this that we would be negligent in the education of our children if we permit them to grow into adolescence without preparing them first with adequate tools to help them live as Jews in the unjú ish world that they live in the only way is to teach them before that adolescent drive sets in how a Jew is obligated to deal with his reproductive drive it's vital we get our message across to the child before the messages of the culture around him begin to inundate him says about famine it's so important to get there first before the friends in school before the internet before the outside world and an outside culture around them we need to be there first and rebellion broadly rights like this in his introduction you're right this booklet successfully strikes the balance of making sure bokram get the information they need including some of the secular terminology and the understanding that they can come to us with questions on any aspect of this area of life while not presenting information after the only presented before marriage it's only when we mentioned some of the terms that our youths are hearing in our society and we put in an accurate and Kaddish framework that we can really hope our children will come to us for further clarifications and guidance and he finishes off by saying that if any community or school feels uncomfortable using the terminology which is put in this book which is putting the safer then I would encourage them to edit the content however says rebellion brought me the receiver of mere in America he says very clearly that do you feel the way it's presented in this booklet is there a cat kill away is the best way for this to be implemented so this book is something which if anyone emails me after is I'm happy to send in the PDF for it has strong endorsements as I said bio valium Brittany and Ribeiro Feldman and it has saved lives I know ourselves that the way it's been presented in a sensitive topic that it speed the way it speaks the most beautiful beautiful way how it presents the secular world through the eyes of the Torah how it presents how a boy should understand his adolescent years how his body is changing how he's going to have difficult tests in these areas of kedusha how all these things turn up and how its dealt with in this booklet it's the most amazing amazing way and in fact they actually used this booklet to speak in our Chicago discussions with our bokram who are between the ages of 16 and 19 and it turned around to me and they said why have we never heard this before why not tell us this you know we were told we were 13 and they go on again to say about what I was saying before how they're told what a very one and a very is neither had a boy many years ago in yeshiva became a schizophrenic from the from the pressure of being such a Bala vera of hating himself of even being over this Avera on Rosh Hashanah he couldn't cope with it and he would suffer mental breakdowns because of the pressure of being a phony severa and we cannot afford to lose any more children like that more than more than that if they're feeling alienated if they're feeling that we don't understand their worlds remember they're in high school children are coming to school in all our schools and they're repeating words that they've heard somewhere on the street they're repeating words it seen on billboards on adverts on the streets they're repeating words they might have seen in books even if they don't know what they mean or if they have a warped understanding of what they mean they're saying those words over in school other children are hearing those words and if they feel they cannot have an open line of communication with us if they feel that us as parents are not the first address to turn to then unfortunately today they're not using dictionaries anymore they're not going over to a dictionary and looking up what a word means they're going finding a friend who's got a smartphone finding somebody on an Internet stopping off at an internet cafe on the way home and they're looking it up on the Internet if they look up one of those words on the Internet we all know Sholem god forbid that anybody's bully should stumble across something because once they stumble across something on the internet we have a huge huge problem on our hands they must come to us first they must have that open communication and with a boy I feel it's right that both mother and the father if that's the type of relationship you have with your child my mother and father can sit down and prepare this talk together and then give it over to their son so the boy should feel I can turn to both my mother and my father and ask them any questions with a girl a girl must girls must also be spoken to in a different way however is probably more appropriate than my own opinion that girls who speak with their mother but the mother should let them know the father can also be asked any question and of course the Father knows they're having this talk it's really important in fact we've had on the helpline before as well here are Manchester we've had people calling up we've had teenagers calling up to ask for clarification of words that they've heard in school and he didn't understand it and Baraka Shandy turned to the helpline and not the internet and lots of friends of smartphones we must take it seriously and we must see what we can do to open up those channels of communication so before anyone else gets for them open up that channel of communication let them know the Tyra is there with you I shan't put you in this test I shall put you in this Anna saying it's for a good reason Hashem will guide you through it if he gave you these tests he's gonna help you through it I'm not gonna say exactly how he speaks about it in the condition talk but it answers all the questions your son might have over there it gives opportunities for you to be able to see where is my son up to what's he already heard and it's a real real lifesaver so just let's recap the question that we had was how do we deal with the sudden changes and a distancing that's we find in our teenagers in our adolescence suddenly they change so we said that they again this is not the only cause they can be other reasons but this is one of the major major causes they are going through huge changes in themselves that body's changing their mindsets changing and it becomes very difficult turbulent years if they feel that they've been told things in a way which doesn't relate to them and they feel that I could never explain how could I ever I'm so uncomfortable to tell my parents what I'm going through it doesn't invite them to be able to become close to us to be to speak to us when things are bothering them which makes them distant it makes them feel like they're struggling in a world all by themselves so we really really have to focus again I don't know if it's the only reason but that's one of the main reasons that I've seen with hundreds of teenagers no struggling because they feel their parents are distant from them they don't feel that parents can relate to them and especially when they're told that we used to tell children in the olden days maybe that there's a home and other people have you ashram I am but today when they don't have the amount of your ashram I am they don't feel they can stand up to us Jonas like we may have been able to which we probably didn't stand up to in the olden days but what they're being told is equal to fiddle showers they feel like they're the biggest restroom on this world and we really have to put a stop to that they have to show them not rashon it's in a very like any other very you can do to show Varsham loves you it's easier to do to show her for this we have to make them feel and we're there with them with our show with our parents all three partners are there with them on this journey through the teenage years now I did say that I was adding the other two common questions which were what any signs to look out for if my child has been abused and why would they tell me even if I'm asked many times so let's explore this concept a little bit further and then we can answer these other questions you said a few weeks ago that the first session we spoke about that the the reporting of children who've gone on their own wave not on their own Dara who've struggled have not followed the mainstream path that we've tried to bring them up along we even noticed that we said that 80% of them reported that they'd have been intimately abuse sexually abused so again there's 80% that we're talking about in most cases we're talking about we're not talking about the big cases we see that gossip that are things that go on in the news those are about five percent of the cases where a rubber or a therapist or or a headmistress takes advantage of people in their charge those are the very rare cases the most common cases is when an older child in school sibling a friend teaches now even if a boy just finds a newspaper on the street he finds a dirty newspaper he sees an inappropriate picture even if such a boy sees that or a girl sees that that is enough to give them the same effect as if they've been abused by somebody sometimes it actually cause sexual trauma can cause intimate trauma and the reason is because we're bringing our children up in such a beautiful way we're bringing them up with dish Avatara with teaching them that we're only we're teaching them that Jewish people are a light unto the nations we're a step above and we bring them up with no concept whatsoever which is the right thing to do with no concept of whatsoever of the terrible world around them because it's not possible as a young child to cope with now take one of our children has for Shalom if any Jewish child stumbles across anything of a pornographic nature something which is inappropriate he comes across a picture or she comes across a picture you can imagine how they hardly even he hadn't even understand such a thing they their mind gets blown and they don't even know what to do themselves they've got to hide that fact but then they live with a guilt there living with a strong guilt that if anybody would know what I've seen they'd have nothing to do with me now because it curiosity has been aroused as well you might go back and look they might keep that newspaper they might start looking they might pull it out again and have a look might tell themselves I never didn't look at it again and then they do go look at it again but all the while they feel that I cannot tell anybody about it because if I did it chucked me out of here they'd never have anything to do with me suddenly we find themselves in a different world in a lonely world in a world where they feel that if anybody would really know what I've seen what I've done I'd be in prison maybe I've been in such trouble they was drawn to themselves they test the boundaries to confirm that they don't belong they start to push the boundaries when they get older because they keep telling themselves I can't belong in the world that I'm hearing about in the classroom all the time I can't belong in this beautiful Jewish world I'm like somebody on the street because what what I've seen because of what I know and he tests those boundaries to confirm and they get told yeah you don't belong in this school you don't belong in this house that's not how we behave in our house and then they believe that underlines for them that notion they've told themselves that I do not belong then I become distant and become sensitive to when you show them affection to the to your hugs and kisses they start to pull away because they feel they don't deserve that love they feel they don't deserve your affection and when we see drastic changes in their movements there's all signs not only about abuse but these are signs which we need to look out for and be concerned about again if they were drawn to themselves beyond the norm if they test the boundaries to see and in an extreme way and they become distant and sensitive and it used to be much more open and when they have drastic mood changes which are unexplainable these are possible signs that something is wrong and it's not gonna help her ask them have you been abused so again these are the signs to look out for and the reason why it doesn't help to ask them is because there's many reasons a child won't say if he has been abused and I'm gonna say a few of them although there's many many reasons but I'll just put together a few the children why child won't tell apparent that he's been intimately abused first of all they're scared that the parents won't believe them we brought them up in a very insular world that is changing that we are we are helping them to understand what is danger how to be aware of danger but still if a child actually faces the danger of an abuser of a molester they're scared that parents won't believe them they're scared often to talk about it because the molester or the older child or an older boy in school has threatened them he's told them that if you turn him on about this your family's gonna be in such trouble if you turn it on about this I'm going to beat up your younger sibling if you tell anyone about this I'm going to come after you and kill you they threaten them and he thinks that if his younger children or as other members in the family are at risk he's got to be the one to protect them and therefore he'll allow himself sometimes to be abused again and again in order to protect the family he's scared about what happened to the family maybe all the children will get chucked out school if I say anything he's confused about what's happened he doesn't know how to verbalize it how to explain what he met himself not know that he picked up a magazine and he saw a picture there that's my fault it's not an abusers fault that's something to do with me how am I even can I explain that to my parents and if you're confused and guilty because if they'd be molested then they're made to feel that it was their fault and not only that but because there might have been some sort of satisfaction they might have felt that they were necessary to an older boy or to a big you know one of the cool guys in the in the school or they might have our physical satisfaction so they're confused about it and they don't and they feel guilty and therefore how can I even speak about it was their fault that wasn't abuse this is something I enjoyed this was something that I don't really mind in a way if it happens again more than anything they might have tried to find the time to talk to us about it so many times children try and talk to parents about something in their life but first there has to be a long conversation about nothing they want to just talk about any random topics till they feel safe and secure enough to open up about what's gone on something that's happened and we're very good at giving children all the time that we can give them but we're not so good at giving the children all the time that they need we have such busy lives we have such so many obligations we can't often give them all the time that they actually need that's why shabbos ascending which is amazing if we just like you said in one of the previous sessions they just sit on the couch and just chill with your children and just shoes there's so many stories that have come out my children just sit down and talk with their parents or shadows and I know myself when bottom have come and opened up about something in my office it's after talking about random topics beforehand that's why I never feel a talk with a teenager is a waste of time because you never know much that teenager needs that talk and you never know right at the end just nonchalantly they drop out of pawn shop you may feel that if they do report something that happens the abusers going to turn the tables on them they're gonna be the guilty party not be scared of that they're scared of all the whys why didn't you why did you go with this person why did you pick up this magazine why did he go along that road I told you not to why are you friendly with that boy why didn't you tell us earlier you know we're here for you why didn't you tell us and for these reasons and many other reasons children are very very reluctant to say anything to the parents about abuse even if the parents are asking them were you abused and again we said they might not see it as abuse which is important to bear in mind so I think that answers first of all why are there any sides to look out for yes if your child's behavior is changing in an abnormal way if your child is more distant that is these are signs to look out for and why will your Bible my child not tell me why will they not say something even if I prep them and I've prepared them and told them to tell me that's because of the reasons we just outlined now but finally what is there that we can do if we are worried about our child so first of all we've got to constantly constantly reassure our children at every stage of their life that there's nothing especially when is struggling now there's nothing in the world that can get in the way of your love for them you have to be able to look at them in their eye and this gets much sometimes we're going to do this in the most difficult situations but even if they're doing all the things in the world wrong you have to be able to look at them in the eye not turn a blind eye if they turn up our shadows here without a couple of a shot or any other anything else that might be out of the world even with a regular teenager they have to constantly know we have to reassure them you should know my darling there's nothing that you can do in the world that will change my love for you you don't have to approve of everything they do you don't have to improve if they do something wrong you don't have to approve of what they're doing wrong but you have to approve of them and you can say that if you're struggling with your child's behaviors you can say listen I don't approve of the way you spoke to me just now but I approve of you and I can see something's frustrating you something's really really bothering you acknowledge and validate their struggles so apart from reassuring them how much you love them but acknowledge and reassure them you can see how hard things are for them you can see how frustrated they are with the way life's going tell them you're so proud of the effort that he's that he or she are putting in to just getting on with everyday be free-flowing with the compliments to them because you want them to know and continuously tell them they have to hear it that we are always here for you look for opportunities to just talk and chill talk with them about what they enjoy chill with them as we've said quite a number of times over the sessions and if it comes up that they you can ask them although it works out to say to them did you ever suffer abusing they say no then explain to them do you mind if I just explained to you what abuse is you might not understand what abuse is and then go and hear from a professional how to explain to a child about abuse make it small make it something as small as if you've seen something wrong in a magazine if a friend told you something which you weren't comfortable with in school make it as small as that because then they can say well you know what I'll let you in on that I'll let you in that a friend did tell me that and it's loaded but surely they'll actually let you into the bigger picture so explain to them if you have the opportunity that abuse can be something as small as a boy telling you something or a bill telling you something that you weren't comfortable with or a sibling trying to be something that you weren't comfortable with that can also be abuse and let them feel you're there with them give them those opportunities to know and reassure them you will always be with be there for them I'd like to move on to another question which came up if that's okay someone's put the link to the padishah talk on the chat so thank you very much for putting it there it's very very helpful the next question that came up and this is again is okay so I'll say the question there and we'll see how how to address this so I have a 15 year old boy he's had lots of difficulties in his life he hangs out with the wrong group he's smoking and he's vaping he has a younger brother who's noticing his bad habits how can I explain to the younger siblings not to be badly influenced now this is an excellent question and not his an excellent question but it's probably most commonly asked and the biggest concern for any parents when they have a struggling child what about the siblings but this has been asked in a really clever way that I see there's a mother or a father who asked this question they didn't say how can I protect my younger sibling not to be badly effluents it says how can I explain to my younger sibling to the younger sibling not to be badly or influenced which is a very important ekkada so let's try and work this out see if we can answer this in any way so first of all we have to remember like we said in a very first session that the child is in crisis the 15 year old in this case who's struggling hasn't chosen this in any way whatsoever remember something has happened in his life to push his car off the road something's happened to push his life into the gutter it's not his or her choice it's their pain which is forcing them to take on take on this lifestyle once we understand that this is the case that it's not a life choice then just as with any physically ill child that class was shown in order to ever have a physically ill child but when only now somebody does have a physically ill child the child is suffering from an illness it disrupts the family and can have a negative effect on the siblings and the same way while fears of physically ill child disrupting the disruptive house and you will not be angry with a physically ill child you will not resent the fact that your child became physically ill so - you can't resent the emotion your child either there will be a risk there's definitely I can't say there's gonna be no risk for the other siblings when you have an emotionally ill child in the house yes there is a risk just that can't be physically your child there is a risk but however we can we can lessen the risk as I'm going to explain soon but I want to point ours other of the alcohol of it so I think he writes a column in one of the magazines one of the Jewish magazines and he's been in a psychotherapist I think for many years and I think 30 years or so he's been dealing with at-risk families families who got at-risk children and he said that in all his years of working with his children he's found it to be extremely rare that another child follows the older sibling he says can happen and we know of cases where where unfortunately there's more than one child in the household is affected but he said it's usually because of an underlying issue that's taken place with that other child or within the dynamics of the household because of the older sibling or whatever it is but not as the child copying the older siblings behavior there's something wrong with the dynamic and that's what's causing it to go on and that skews the perception if we have one child in the house who's who's has emotional problems who's on his own theraph or her own Dara that's going to affect the rest of the household it's gonna make them go off the derrick as well that is not true if there is underlying issues then that can cause the child to go off the Dara but not just because they have another sibling in the house and in fact you'll find so many families especially families who work with a baby fish off who have got peace in their homes who embrace their child don't often see that a child who wasn't struggling it happens but don't often see that a child who wasn't struggling whose solid inside himself who doesn't have issues himself that will follow an older sibling just because they've got looks like them a free life and doing things wrong we have a choice to mitigate that risk we're able to lessen the risk so while there is a risk we're able to lessen the risk of the effect is gonna have on our children so since we can't stop a child going on their own Derek we certainly can't prevent our other children having a sibling who is gone on his own Derek or her own Derek so the sibling if they're just like you can't prevent your child being in that situation you also can't prevent your other children from having child as a sibling but what you can choose is to make your home and living hell or a calm and positive atmosphere if you choose to battle a struggling kid if you're choosing to fight with him then attentions gonna rise the tensions going to affect the other children that's for sure there's no question about it if the home is full of negativity and tension that will have much more scarring effect than the other children and anything that all the sibling could have possibly done not only that but I've heard unfortunately many times from different about him that they've advised parents to throw a child or one in it's lung they've advised parents it should throw a child out the house we come up with some sort of morality my luck around him that you can't be macro they're out in because of the akkad which isn't true for a child at home every child is have been Yakut every chances are right to be in that home and contain him of PASOK and often the healthy children meeting about the home if they're if you're worried they're being affected and the child needs to stay in the home and in fact I had this as a sacrum of ROM Horowitz as I had a Bach in yeshiva who was in a real real bad way I was worried he was affecting another child another boy in the yeshiva the ROM gurov has told me to find his Shiva for the other boy and keep the boy who was really struggling for us where it is being the bad influence so throwing a child at the home only makes it more traumatic never never never does a God will say we should throw a child out the home you will not find one God would be a strong ever who advocates throwing a struggling child out of your home really not and if you're wrong tarzie such up sac you must go and get that sack verified by a god abuse troll because no God that will ever tell you to throw a child up your home and I'll explain something else as well when I'm on this I once got told by I've been told actually numerous times I've run through Shmuel out of the house so I had to thank I was by electrician Asha shava from last year and of Isaac Miller was there who himself had a struggling chatting he told me why he answers to this he says if you are saying that your Shmuel chucked is struggling Chevron Shakti Shmuel out this home because Ishmael was off the Dara then why don't you taking a good child and offer them up on the on them as their one of our Ron's tendinous Jonas was to throw Ishmael Albert home a test is not the natural way of things a test is something which is extra it's not the natural way to throw a struggling child out the whom has Shem tested our arm in that and since we're not being tested in that way we're not being asked to be macron our children on them as payoff we're not being told to to wonder from our hometown to the summer where we don't know we're not being given all these tests and therefore we don't have that test enough throwing our child out the home and not only that it becomes very unsettling for the other children in the home if their older sibling has been thrown out because suddenly your love has become conditional your love is Tyler on my behavior so the other child realizes that my older brother my older sister's been thrown out the house because they didn't behave like they should and subconsciously they know that if they did behave as they should they might also not be allowed to stay at home which becomes very unsettling very unsecure for them and can make a child go wrong so what can we do what can we do this mother's asked what can I say to my younger child so the Miss Eva Shoen says in a severe female that the atmosphere in the attitude that you create in your home play the greatest role in educating the children even without any verbal communication without telling them anything the first thing that we can do for our children for our younger siblings is create an atmosphere of love be an example of love as in a serious crime excessive Shoreham says that by being the example of an atmosphere and an attitude of all accepting every single need if we have an attitude or and accept it or an atmosphere in our home where we judge other yidam who don't dress like us who don't same clothes as us who don't go to the same bottom and Russian wear the same shoes as us if we have a judging atmosphere in our home then yeah the younger sibling will learn to judges all the sibling and they themselves as move on in life and choose to judge whichever niche they don't fall into so if they decide to fall into a different niche than Europe they will judge your niche perhaps but we've got to bring them up not to judge everything to love and accept every other year and not speak badly of any youth no matter where they come from and more than that if we give our child that knowledge that they're gonna be safe they're going to be safe in your home no matter what when your child sees a atmosphere of love that even if there's an older child who's really struggling and he's doing terrible thing but yet you're showing him love your younger child will learn from that and that atmosphere will prevail in the end and second of all the sit-down with the younger child and explained that you're looking at what's bothering the older child now really to explain to a younger child what's going on the older child needs up an entire session in itself there's a lot that can be said to a younger child to explain how to understand the older child the older sibling the older brother or the older sister who are struggling the city a younger child that we're looking what's going on with with Yoli we don't understand understand but we can see that it's been through tremendous pain we can see that things are not easy for him at all and I want to explain to you that as a parent we're gonna always be there for every one of our children whether they're struggling or whether they're not struggling we're always gonna be there for them and just like we're here for you and we always will be here for you we are also going to be here for Yoli who's struggling we're also going to be here for Devoto who's struggling we're always gonna be here for whoever it is that's struggling and we're so proud of you because we know it's not easy for you it's like having a not well child in the home because he might need more attention sometimes and his pain suddenly disturbs a family sometimes late at night when he plays music or he comes through the house and he stamps and leaves a mess and eats the food that you wanted to eat and doesn't take care and doesn't clean up and doesn't do anything else on the house we can see how difficult it is for you as well but you're doing such a good job of helping us we're gonna try and understand this properly we're gonna get the help that we need to be able to be there for URI and Avera and to be there for you as well and I want you to know I want you to know that we're here for you we're always here for you and if anything you're unsure about are you struggling with we're here and come and talk to us if we tell our child and then it makes it so much easier for them to cope with the struggles for them to cope with the comments they're gonna get in school about their shy Gertz or the brother or their shakes or of a sister or whatever the comments are going to get in school you need to have that open communication and you need to be sensitive to the younger boys or the younger sisters can't sensitivities and to what they're going through as well so you need to make sure to give them positive attention as well and compliments it's very very difficult because you all your energy is being zapped by the child who's struggling emotionally and you think that you know the other children on autopilot they'll be okay so we need to look after ourselves to make sure if we're looking after ourselves properly then only and only then can we look after other people as well so we need to make sure that we're sleeping at night we need to make sure eating well we need to make sure we take out times for ourselves we have to deal with our other children but definitely definitely don't neglect the healthy children don't think it's all gonna be okay we've got to be there for them we've got to be there with them give them that positive attention at the end of the day in reality a child who's not in crisis he may test you a bit at the end of the day he's gonna follow your rules he's gonna do what you ask him to do and he's never going to defy or she's never going to defy you in an extreme way unless they're really really struggling that answers that at least in part that question of what to say to a child a younger sibling and how to educate them when you have an older child in struggling I know we're running out of time so I'm going to finish off with the story of the airline clown I know about a fish off he finishes off his parenting sessions that they say mr. filler together I'm going to explain a little bit there was a big salad called the channel it's are off who was the bear mine came it was a very very special to show me right the bear mine farmer Persian the trader and he wrote the safest delicious Shabbos which is a safe one Chaves and he's buried in so fast he the way he was actually as neshama came down to this world was is an interesting story his father was a whisky manufacturer and 1 year before pasted up very briefly he was a very influential person very wealthy person very friend with the local parents and one year he asked his friend going into the neighboring village the neighboring town who's selling his home his peace sell my comments long story short his friend forgot to sell the comments denying claims father on lots of peace and lots of Thursday's yontiff lost his openness he had to burn his whole Factory he hired a band say you shouldn't be depressed while he was doing it he made a huge fire and he burnt and brought all his whisky all the local gentiles saw it was going on they all came and they were taking barrels for themselves and enjoying themselves and the poet who is a good friend of the of the baron clans father was terribly upset what was going on and he told him to come to him at once and he said I'll come soon and he came down his saw was going on says you've lost your senses this isn't Harrison for me to consider you a friend you're dancing around burning your factory all your paranoia in the bin and he expelled him from the town and the Sherman caused a bigger role this person's done a mixer and the best way possible and they decided they were gonna give him a special child and this special child was the airline crime the mo home had a son who was irreligious he was a horse thief and he was uh he wasn't a very nice character didn't keep any Terrier mixes and yet the bear mouth I am kept him very close to him like we said last revolver he kept his child very very close to him and they say this is a Tefila day he said every single morning before he before he went to Dublin he would say this to fill it every single morning and he would say this is the notion of its Phil I'm gonna read down he say replenish alone a master of the universe habit nationally same Bernie please look how I treat my child happy Shane a halo with Eric Tommy even though he doesn't follow the correct path and he isolator ives cleaver festered i still provide him with so much good and so much kindness well maybe possibly DOM and I just a flesh and blood when we call chicane how much more so at avi know over a phone you are Shem you who who are our merciful father Taylor native you couldn't giving birth I said and you have an abundance of good and and and professor the valet Rover Hagen of a NASCAR certain his proper for you Hashem mace nagging Bonnie cocaine to treat your children the same way I thought Peter Kostis on an animation is finished and lock him even though got a bit they're not doing what you want them to do Karl flame until many many learn this color Homer from me Roberto in a master of the universe the bear Mohan were two nights are shown see look how I actually my son my son doesn't do what I want but I do I care for him and we have to think about that we're soon gonna be standing in rosh hashanah not so long we're gonna be standing in the basin measures we're gonna be standing on rosh hashanah in judgment before Hashem and we're gonna say carafe him of our bond and came to wrap in what in us just like I share my father's mercy on his sons so too I shall have mercy on us we have to have in mind which type of father are we or we the father that thinks that was such a good child to Hashem that we're an example we're an example with such a good example of what a son should be and if we can expect our child to be like that as well or maybe we're not such good children to Hashem yet Hashem has wrath malice on us and so too we have to have rough monitor on our children this has four shown on we don't cross for shauna we don't feel like that then how can we even say on Rosh Hashana Shem have mercy like a father's mercy on his sons like me as a father we want to be that father like the bear my home has mercy on all his children I just want to finish off with a beautiful story that I heard from a piece of chrome Peter Crone relates that he was by a he was by a high Shabbat on four or count simple Shabbat on in in America and there was a speaker who's speaking on who was one of the speakers and he said the following story he relates that he was a baka from Australia and he was diagnosed with a terrible illness and he came to America for treatment and he he was going to the treatment and he was doing where he was recovering there wasn't it was it wasn't funny in remission he was getting he was he was getting there and someone decided you know what he's a 22 year old guy let's suggest a sugar for him people saying how can you suggest should that he's still not well they said yeah no good has also been diagnosed a terrible illness and she's doing well as well she's also responding well to treatment let's suggest a sugar and they suggested the sugar if they went out and they loved each other very very much and he decided they were gonna get engaged but before he was going to get engaged if this one had been in America for a while for three months he decided he was gonna go home first for treatment for to say to see his parents and then was going to come back to America travel from Australia to America is really really difficult so he had to first write to Los Angeles and then to Australia and it's a long long flight he flew to Los Angeles and he got from Los Angeles he got on a plane to America and he got on a plane to America and when he got to America and when he got a plane to Australia when he was on the plane to Australia from Los Angeles to Australia he found that the he found that that the just a second sorry he found that his wife if in America the wife had taken a terrible turn for the worse they didn't know what to do things went from bad to worse she was admitted to hospital she was put on life support machines and they needed to get hold of this cotton because they didn't know how much time there was going to be left they called us kaanum they managed to get hold of the pilot on the plane and this cost him before he knew anything the pilot had come out together with one of the Stewart's sat down next to him and he explained we're really sorry Tim for me we've had a message from Air Control that your bride-to-be has taken a turn for the worse and you really need to get back to America as soon as possible we've arranged that as soon as we land is going to be a flight waiting to take you back to Los Angeles and from US Angeles to America for to to New York the boy didn't know what to do obviously was very Sbrocco in 2000 he was darling and darling he got on a flight straightaway back from Australia the guy hadn't slept now for he's lost track of the days because of the time zones came back to Los Angeles and we arrived in Los Angeles he called his rodriguez rabbi please whatever happens I don't care if he's gonna die and of course I care to get to that but I want to marry her if she's going to die I want to marry her beforehand rabbi please please meet me in the hospital meet me there with 2a diem I want to be able to marry my color so the Ralph says listen come back here to New York we'll do what we can if it's feasible if it's possible she's well enough we'll do whatever we can come back here and we'll see what the situation is when you were right the fussing takes a flight back to New York and he gets to New York and he came to the hospital and he comes into the hospital and he sees his cameras connected to these tubes he looks at her and there's no way they can his rants waiting for him there I mean realize there's no waiting to do anything she's in such a fragile it hardly recognizes this healthy more or less healthy girl they had been going out with just a couple of days earlier she looks so fragile she looks so great she looks so terrible and there are strands to him and says I'm really sorry there's nothing that we can do right now you know what because if you down chakras so he says no you haven't yet done chakras have been so submission there's been such different time zones and everything the rabbi says them gone down and let's see what happens after that so the young man goes away and and it comes to shwayne astra anytime - ooh - laughs he's never done before we asked her Shem to give her for sheelane to his wife then he comes to the broth of same Shaolin and he says to Hashem keep the open air from a salon because you have shamless at all - I'm Latino you have shine you'd give us from the light of your face and burst out crying he says to Hashem please Hashem please give from the light of your face to my color make her look human again make a look alive again please Hashem cries in the a sham - please no matter what make his wife look good again he goes back he comes out he finishes down a chakras and the doctor can't believe it his wife is looking great again his wife is looking much better than she was and she starts to recover and as he saying this story in camp simcha on the stage come to little children and he says in these Baruchel of my little children that Shem gave me with the kindness of his face and we can apply this to our children as well sometimes you look at our children and we think to ourselves these are the children we brought up these where we look at the pictures we have with them when little toddlers look at them and it was so beautiful when they were so innocent and we look at them today as his rough sometimes teenagers and these teenagers are distant from us and don't show us that same love that we used to have for them but mothers look at the teenagers that they fed that they carried for nine months and they can't connect they don't have a shy person this is like a stranger in their home I have to ask a sham to please shine his light on them once again and we can know that we'll be able to share in their knuckles one day and as one as children now they know that if you're not there with them and they do have errors then they're not going to be there with you and they do to shove it because one day they will come back one day you need to be what you need to always be with them every stage of their life even if they're not struggling even the good children the boys who are doing well we must be with them at every stage of their life it's so so important and I shall help us that we should all be safer to have a moaner in him to remember that Shem is always with us to jump into his hands we should be so eager to enjoy our children at every stage of their life and be with them in good health and happiness shall help us to always see the beauty in our children even when they don't do what we want even when they're struggling even when they don't look like we want them to look like and I sure should help us to see the beauty in ourselves and in area that you as well thank you for listening