R Shimon Russell - Understanding Your Child; The Pathway to Healing

first of all stripes everybody sky for the physic that you give a meat over this weekend I appreciate it you don't hear do you hear you still don't hear it do you hear yeah so I said quiet is a you've all given me I guess I wasn't meant to say it so we have a challenge today we have a short amount of time we have a massive massive nicer the MS this what I'm going to try and lay down here but see at the dish Maya in a very brief time is the gun susumou tsugi of us is again to our children and the suger this Nagar to asked his parents the whole thing acaba got the Russia broken in truth we all know this is a this is the the protein-protein of this sugar is a lifetime of a vada - per state pala Pacifica's the lifetime is partial life ties know that I'm learning all the time I have to tell you I listen to Russia's on my own which are kind of painful from years ago and I'll say this much bothers him I don't dings I hug myself I actually agree with what I said however I will tell you as I go back over time what I recognize is that I was lacking Schley Murs in the sodium and all the time I'm trying to work on on creating a better Sheamus a better picture that captures the Saudia and I'm going to try and attempt to lay down today the summe as best as I have it today it doesn't contradict everything I've said in the past but I think it's a Binion that I've been building an understanding and this is probably the best I got it yet we'll see what happens next year over the viola this is where I meant in front of me I'm aware I've been told and I see parents on Shabbos is we have a Halleck goggle probably a little more than right people who have tremendous education and knowledge and awareness of this so again for some of you you may find that it's a little primitive what I'm saying it's basic you understand that you knew that I get on safe he does Russell you know let's hear something new I can only tell you that I myself in training over the years consistently went to workshops and you know I had to for my license and all that kind of stuff and after a while it got very frustrating as I basically spent a lot of money took off time went to hotel you know lost income to here basically what I knew and it got frustrating and then one day they which they shipped such a beautiful my shop in my brain as I was stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike in snow coming back for like a six-hour drive and snow it was miserable and I was feeling miserable and then he gave me this year I went to a conference on abuse and one of the world experts was speaking and I realized I walked out this bitter feeling that I basically knew everything that I was told but I felt very like a wasteful and then I hopped Wow are Hashem but here's a guy got hearing from an expert that basically I have the suniye gave me his other by the way all my clients everyone commented is good they they knew he went to a conference right how did they know I was more like I had more confidence and so those of you who find some of these things perhaps a little bit you know you knew it have his look don't be disappointed be confident in yourself be strong and then be secure that you are professional and then hopefully you'll get a few nuggets of solution to that will help us all be more handsome we're going to divide up and walk through the sukhiya starting with what should it look like what should happen because lava Teshome hain by understanding what what this was meant the see out the dish Meyer for those who can pull it off which is very few what is it meant to look like the Sookie appeared to bring up the kids and I think we'll understand better from that where it goes wrong and then we'll know what to do to try and help fix it if it makes sense and then I want to talk about the journey of a parent what we go through I want to break it down to you through the steps so you can understand what steps you have to go through and they're inevitable so that we can all understand that journey normative parenting we're going to start with that is essentially break it down into three simple steps and if you think of it as a foundation an almond I'm your pillars here holding up the building is not an armoured the holds are a person throughout the journey through life and if we could do this right if we knew this before we got married then we understood this we were trained in this we worked on our marriage in our mirrors and we spent 80 years in the world before we got married working on all this and then had children maybe we could do it but anyway I'm going to lay it down what it is there are three stages what's meant to happen as a child is born into this world and they see her to nurture nurture that's the first stage zero to two unconditional love that means whatever they do doesn't matter what they do wrong we look at them and we love them and they feel from us through the words we say which is preconscious they're pre verbal they don't understand the words but they're just feeling it the cooing sounds that we make to them they see the facial expression they watch your body language and they feel your body language as you hold them and you nurture them the tone of voice the way you speak so through facial expression tone of voice and body language and the words that actually come out zero to two a child is safer to know I am uncondition loved and like all parenting remember when I said even in marriage in all relationships where love occurs when there's a conflict in parenting is true to that love happens at the moment of abyssal crisis for example a child is dirty makes in his diaper and is dirty and it's a pain and it's hurting and you come and nurture it through that experience and you change it lovingly and gently and kindly and you crave but the cream on and everything else you make them feel good you're you're you're nurturing your babies neshama you're teaching your child you feel safe and secure in this world it's an opportunity more than the rest of the times when you think up now I compress they're asleep no no no that's not when you create nurture and love and resilience in life it's when they when they're hurting and you pick them up and nurture them Culver Hyman if you're on the way to a hostel one of your relatives make a hosta you have the baby on your lap and the lady the mother is wearing a gown that she bought for the occasion and as you get out at the house that you see a massive stain on your gown from the baby that leaked through onto your clothing and not only do you not freak out and the baby has to hear sharp words or angry sounds but you laugh you laugh and you you take pictures if you finally convince your husband to actually paint the living room because it needs repainting what man thinks it needs repainting but the ladies know and we agree there is one here one guy put his hand up you repaint your living room and you have a toddler one and a half year old toddling around when everyone's busy has been repainted and you're looking forward to enduring this living room this dining room and suddenly you hear a shriek and discover that somehow someone left a red permanent marker that your little toddler decided to do some Picasso type artwork on this brand-new freshly painted dining room wall and what doesn't happen is the Spanish Inquisition who left the marker what's going on how could you do this what are you thinking who where and you run around with a marker screaming and the child is either to hearing unfortunately angry sounds and voices and hurts and pain instead of everyone breasts out laughing and you get your camera out and you pose in front of it and say yeah the Shelf of ruffles we're showing this one and it's loving it it's natural its kind and it's meant to be like that it doesn't matter what they do they're colicky they keep you up at night and you know you've got to go work tomorrow and you recognize it's going to be a business sign um I got a headache right now and my husband has Eddington we both have headaches we both and the baby is colicky but we find this garrison nefesh to gently rock that baby and not do this you know you take the baby no you take but I gotta go to sleep I don't work Michael Aurora there's no angry noises there's no sounds of hurt and anguish and pain of frustration where the baby is surrounded by these hostile noises in zero to two years that teachers are somehow this world is not a safe place and my parents aren't safe people it was meant to happen is to be home energy we love them doesn't matter what they do doesn't matter how they test us because there's nothing deliberate and we just simply nurture them through that that's zero to two and that's all we meant to do nothing else that's it that's the whole saga zero to two by the way doesn't stop it to his men to continue it's just all we do zero to 2 and we meant to keep doing that the rest of our lives and when they struggle with us we natural that we love them through it we don't anger them through it we don't get frustrated and communicate to them that you're a pain in my existence you've made my life hard but they know we love them and I want you unconditionally that's 0 to 2 if we do it well what we meant to do is build on that to two roughly 16 15 14 - there used to say 18 the Gemara in ink edition diplomat you know the graph a little bit darker is my thickness whatever but or I meant to do zero I would say from - rather to about probably today's 14 15 16 somewhere there is we add on the basis of nurture limit setting we're meant to teach them to settle limits and guess what if we was like her to do this Circuit correctly thank you Scott he knows me already okay there's another box I got two boxes here I made it Roger yeah if we do it properly then when we start the limit setting when we lay on our children limits to them which we believe to do toddlers they can go into dangerous things women who have to set limits and from 2 to 16 15 somewhere around there 14 we're constantly setting limits on various behaviors whether it's walking near a street or a sidewalk or coming near the stove and touching how special on something or going into and they get the fingers caught in a door has fish on there's unlimited opportunities for us and our fear is to teach them limits and so we set limits on their life in a safe and healthy way so they feel safe to separate from us but they come back home because they feel safe also with us you know they keep in a certain relationship and safety with us the whole time and we set limits and if you've done it on a basis on a bed of nurture then the Assumption the internal neshama assumption of your child is likely to be that that limit setting is not punitive from a horrible parent who hates me and just wants to make my life inconvenient and hurtful instead my child experiences the limit setting to a degree as the extension of the nurture and the love the unconditional love I gave from my child the zero to two and all those times when we took the pictures with the crayons and the markers on there the dirty no gowns and we took those pictures and we laughed about it what we built is the basis on which we can then set limits that the child hopefully will experience as an extension of nurture and therefore not feel they're being punished and hurt but feel they're being cared for and as much as they resist when it works like this and you have to for example in extreme case and the kid acts out and you have to set into bed and early that night and they go to bed frustrated and upset with you but tomorrow morning they love you and it's gone because they know it was right they know that what they did was wrong and you set limits on their behavior and tomorrow morning look to who they love you it's gone that's what we meant to do nurture built on that limit setting and if we do comes the end of the limit setting years 16 17 18 but basically you're not setting limits anymore you hope by then they have internal self-imposed limits they've learned then they turn to you for guidance they want your guidance because they see your whole life the focus was only ever to help them in their lives so they look to you which school which is Shiva which seminary which shedder what job or career how do I manage money everything they turn to you for guidance in life and for Kant as you get older you want more guidance your kids actually as they get all the turtles they begin to realize they have their own children and then they really well this is much harder than I realized and they turn to you for guidance and they come to Bob and Amy they come to you for guidance because it was all built on this nurture that continued through life when interaction with you as for you was to help you is for me or my ego it's not about me getting nervous you know novice machine is my obligation I brought you in this world I didn't bring me this world for me I brought you in this world for everybody sure lady I probably know Shauna I've got a gift and you're my gift and I'm gonna help you fulfill that get your jest your journey your destiny to be a nova - mmm - enough us rules - oh boy - Ally and that's what you're here for it's all right mighty go a monoshock if with zypher to have an uninterrupted 0 to 2 with nurture on which we build the limit setting to 14 15 16 and then they turn to us for guidance this is what life is meant to look like this is how it's meant to be that's the armored that's the almond of the pinion of their life that we meant to be building that's what it should look like ideally now take that moment and imagine we built this armored and now we're going to ramp cables around this armor to hold it strong throughout life we're gonna be in a wreck like nice strong cables all the way up all through life around this armored to keep it like reinforced concrete something strong it's again something amazing how do we do that so those cables are the four s's that I talked about last time those cables are where we make sure our children always feel safe secure seen and soothed those cables we wind around the armor that's what's meant to happen as they go through life and they don't feel safe and we help them to feel safe we make sure that you don't get abused and if you do get a house for sure abused this external its environmental it happens we make sure we're there for you we make sure you feel safe to talk to me so you can be resilient to life struggles because some of life's struggles I don't care how much nurture and how much limit setting a guidance you do things happen the anguish the shaked his knees Jonah's in the world there are bumps in the road that are inevitable unavoidable in its often reminder shillelagh and around your head miniature mind is no rats what we do with it is right it all comes down is there for us it's all there for us so when they feel unsafe we make them feel safe when we start winding those wires around the reinforcing the armored to keep them strong we make make sure they feel secure that the environment of our Shabbos table of a yontiff table of our home is one of security where they can be confident in the log of parents for each other in the case where there's only one parent where that parent does the best they can to support them and a lot of them and care for them it doesn't make a difference every one in each is just a different design and isn't like you can do it if you're not it's just a different set of misogynous you take your set of circumstances whatever it may be and you help your child feel safe and secure you protect them as best you can and they know that even if something happens they become talked to you're going to be there for them you're not gonna get angry why'd you let this happen why'd you let that happen what were you thinking wait to go there they feel safe with you but they feel secure and confident about the type of home and environment that they're living in then they feel secure that they can talk to you they feel secure there's going to be a breakfast and a supper and then the laundry is going to get done they feel secure in a certain environment that the basics of life are gonna happen for them this is rattling wires around the home would they feel seen we have to make sure that our kids they're all unique - Layla and I hung up it doctor is not a line this meant to be said in Josh's for inspiration only it's real each one is different and children are entitled to ask spending the time to work out what are they who are they what are they about what's unique about them not us simply imposing our Watson our will my needs on you to try and shaft you in my image but other other who are you and we're looking from day one to understand what's unique about you until our children feel seen in their uniqueness they see we rejoice in who they are so we whined more wires around the omelette because we help them feel seen and then soothed then we make sure that when they have their bumps in the road when they fall and scrape their knees that we don't always like you know criticize why are you doing this and who said you should do that and you brought it on yourself especially I told you not to do this what were you expecting but first you soothe them you want to give them a dresser wait two days wait two days tops them two days later but when it happens put them on your knee and soothe them hold them soothe make them feel soothed help them over their struggles and pain and hurt and so with safe secure seen as who we wind these wires these around the reinforced concrete we make a pillar for life this I submit to you is what's meant to happen ideally and when it happens ideally so children are resilient children can go through life this explains in the few circumstances where it does happen it does happen sometimes it actually does happen with some children sometimes just like I've described or enough of it enough of it's not an on/off right or wrong black or white true or false it's commerce it's it's it's enough of these components occur the crate resilience and so kids even if they go through difficult to severe difficulties they will survive they would do well they actually may grow from it actually most organizations such as this and others seem to be run and helped by people who themselves went through a lots of struggles isn't that interesting and it's always like that all the greats organizations and the great leaders of the world who've done marvelous things and helped humankind are always people who went through traumatic difficult experiences why is that because I submit to you they was a hit in their own childhood to this this model I can tell you I was pretty much life into this that was my eye as my mother gave me these things this is what she did I was lucky I was fortunate I don't take any credit for it at all I wasn't involved they didn't ask her I didn't understand she never heard my brushes and then naturally I think she gave it to me and so as we went through life with all the trauma the struggles and the difficulties we kind of bounced back you know we were resilient to me and then you turn it into something positive that's the inner eye your n-terminus right that's what it means it becomes a positive your life and it actually taps into who you are in your essence to bring out more this is the picture the haters the gamers this is how it's meant to work so question is what happens when it doesn't honey doesn't in most cases and the reasons why I don't think isn't again to go into right now but is it's passion that the world we live in doesn't offer it doesn't offer us naturally this picture I think it's fair to say the world we live in the world our children are bringing up their children in today disappea doesn't offer this is a natural picture yes you have to work for you have to know this before you get married notice when you get you have to show this to you children and grandchildren's they know and they have to understand what they're doing because without it they're going to be in real trouble in the world we're living in today because it isn't Pacha to produce this this pinion with these wires as I've described described it is not natural or pocket it has to be work for what happens when it doesn't work so if you don't have all these things that nurture the limit setting the guidance you don't have before s's but you have some of it and there's no drama chances are no struggle through life chances are even without it if trauma doesn't happen chances are you'll muddle through you may not be the most happy person I think is what we call in the mental health world you'll be from the walking wounded you'll be the walking wounded you'll go through life your schlep alone you're never quite aware that there's a ball and chain around your ankle that you're pulling through with you it's heavy feels off but you know what your regular lead your Dominion and you do things and you dress right you basically with the soldier although you feel the heaviness you just don't know what it is if you have money you're going to therapy if you don't you want it's like but your model through lots and lots and lots of people muddle through who didn't have these things they didn't have this foundation well didn't have trauma and our Saudia starts now you see where trauma hits because when trauma hits and you don't have enough of what I just described then forgive my language but all hell lets loose when trauma heads without what I've described you don't have the internal ingredients for resilience you don't have it it wasn't given to you you don't have it so the neighbor next door who did the same parenting you did the same model of not quite enough for nurture limit setting a guidance I can hear her screaming at her kids at night right through the window it doesn't make sense our kid to go to school they dress him right and he doesn't make sense and you eat your heart out wondering what's the difference I don't get it I don't think I'm any worse than they are guess what you're not not a drop not a dot the difference was unfortunately trauma it and without this foundation when trauma heads you have not got the child doesn't have the ability to have resilience I want to explain why in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual American Psychiatric Association they talk about trauma PTSD post-traumatic stress disorder rather that's not in my opinion the real sugar for most of our kids is not know the Seattle issue I explained that too so different type of trauma they don't talk about it properly now it's sort of becoming we call it a complex trauma I'll come to it in a moment but let's just for a moment talk about in the books PTSD and I want to isolates just one descriptive piece of PTSD as it's described in this Manual of the American Psychiatric Association and it says is followed that the trauma victim will have listened to these words are repeated a severe psychological reacting about your kids please as I'm talking this line just think tune in close your eyes and just tune in to your child's crazy behavior when sometimes they seem to freak out or look psychotic and crazy just tune into that moment that's such a painful horrible and these listen to these words your child will have a severe psychological reaction if you're a trauma victim you'll have a severe psychological reaction an exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the original trauma let me say one more time they will have a severe psychological reaction at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the original trauma that doesn't break your heart and then we blame them we blame the judge them when trauma strikes and you didn't have what I described at the beginning they didn't have it which most people don't but for you do then there is no resilience to hold on to and every time they get exposed to a teacher' something an internal or external cue the symbolizes or examples on a spectrum by the show while armies come on everything and anything they have a severe psychological I'm not making this up Riverside this is in the books they have a severe psychological reaction and never we blame and judge them for that reaction we killed for that reaction we hold them accountable for that reaction why can't you just beg I kind of just go to school I can adjust right and all we're watching is a severe psychological reaction to trauma but that's what we're watching a rough moment is like we blame them we attack them to which they have another severe psychological reaction to my attack on them and my critique of them a beside cherished niche massive what they want to do is be loved and what we offer them we the world is her to pain misunderstanding discouragement shame because we didn't have the we didn't but she Arthur wasn't our fault but we once I her as most people and to give them the tools of Brazil we didn't build that almond we didn't do it didn't do it deliberately it wasn't her fault we didn't know couldn't help we tried the best we could but we didn't give it to them and we didn't know that if trauma was strike we we have not given them the wherewithal to code and then we blame them for that and we judge them and critique them for that Manos long so what does the child do how do they live with that what do you think have any cope with it what do they do to cope so they have to shield themselves from pain they have to find a way to free themselves from hurting because the pain is so unbearable they want to die as they find something that should make them feel some sense of happiness something they look desperately for something because there is such pain and sorrow they have no clue what to do they don't understand what's going on you know how to deal with it they don't know what talk to them they that no sophistication or knowledge nothing they just don't want to hurt it's not harsh gothic choice they make they just don't want to hurt and nobody told them the difference between happiness and pleasure don't want to inform them how do you actually find happiness how do you stop hurting a being happy and they don't know that they don't know that the only place you find happiness in this world is in the embrace of a long-term meaningful relationship that's where you find happiness everything else is pleasure it's all pleasure and the reason it's that way is because your mother should have made it that way that we should find happiness only barak in the embrace of an long-term meaningful relationship because we meant to take that and transfer that to rebuy initially long Shizu atonic a meeting me Khaled dunya she heard only Martha so from the solution Lena Smith Ziva Sheena a long-term meaningful relationship burgonia Shalem and so he gave us one vehicle in this world to find true happiness the embrace of a long-term meaningful relationship is only once that's where everything else is pleasure it's a pleasure it's a schmuck but his pleasure doesn't last it's like a hollow my trip right it's been a fortune of money aggravated the kishkes out of yourselves you've left to some idiotic amusement park we spend tons of money wondering what am I doing here trying to shield your kids from all the lack of sneers as they beg you to go on four million rides and complain bitterly about the long queues and then they come off and they just on to the next one as if nothing happened and the painful part is when you get in the car on the way home they're all miserable a mothers are intelligent enough to bring tons of food stuffing them with food and the backseat of the car because they're so miserable because if she doesn't there's gonna be a war between their father and them for all this money he just spent and wasted advice and that's pleasure that's not happiness happiness is a farm a trip where you find a completely empty part somewhere and take a picnic and a frisbee and a ball and you take your kids and you play with them in a park with nobody around it doesn't cost anything and everyone comes back and they don't want to leave you don't want to go home that's happiness and it isn't by the way guys it doesn't cost anything it's amazing but our kids unfortunately they don't know no one told them about happiness and pleasure so instead of seeking happiness because they don't know they are in so much size severe psychological pain a reaction of such sign because of their trauma that they just want the pain to go away and they're little they're little they can be 9 10 11 years old and they start already a process of desperately trying to suppress their hurt and pain and so they look for something that takes away the pain and they find you know music that's a little bit edgy for your culture or community and they secretly listen to this music or they read a book perhaps from the library this not appropriate and all they're trying to do is to shield themselves from pain it's an anesthetic it's aspirin it's Tylenol it's not a harsh gofer and no one told us this so we turn it into a hash buffer because the kids don't know we will catch them and we always catch them and predictably unwittingly unknowingly we turn it into ash gopher why are you reading this what are you doing you're not a buzzsaw you're not mentally what this is not appropriate and we make into a dancer sukiya of inappropriateness behavior missing the whole point that all of us happening is my kid is hurting and what we yell at them and we scream at them when we hurt them and we control them and discipline them and punish them for doing this inappropriate musical stuff was only about anaesthetic that's all it was so they get a hole in the heart to get bigger because the only place you find happiness is in the embrace of a long-term meaningful relationship which when you scream them it opens that hole in the heart even more and when the hole in the heart gets bigger they hurts more not less and unwittingly we propel them to do something more because apparently that wasn't good enough and they need something else they turn to even more inappropriate music even more inappropriate literature clothing behaviors and all they trying to do is shield themselves from pain nothing more and then we catch him again and the school catches them and we start screaming to them of Threatened you're gonna get thrown out of school what are you thinking you crazy and if someone tells us it's fake pet I'll fix everything and someone says you've got to just tell them I never knew what that meant but just help tell them what well they didn't know and apparently I tell them that I'll click the hills they did not just tell them people thinking the answer is they weren't they clueless but unfortunately in our idiotic desperation without training we believed them for a moment because we're desperate and with frightened so we just tell them them then the hole in the ha gets bigger because it breaks down their relationship with us because they don't feel safe with us they feel less secure with us they totally don't feel seen by us and the zipper not soothed by us and so we make them less resilient they hurt more and they need now they need drugs now he needs a girlfriend now she needs a boyfriend and so they go downhill step-by-step and we catch him again and we scream at them again and all they're looking for is anaesthesia they're looking to stop hurting because they suffered trauma we know for a fact when I first used to say this people they vilified me for it now everyone agrees that of the sugah of the children who are in crisis the kids the children in crisis cold hildren in pain 80% of the way through sexual trauma 80% a 9/10 of the others they went through they had severe learning trauma they weren't able to do well in school there are a variety of reasons why they may have de facto learning they may have real delaying disabilities imbeciles who know it doesn't matter but they're experienced because of it was that everyday going to school is traumatic what does it feel like to go to school every day knowing in advance I'm a loser I'm a failure and being forced by my parents bribed him forced to go to school to a place that is a hostile environment that affirms that I am worthless do you realize what we're doing we're shoving our kids into an environment that absolutely affirms you aren't a worthless human being we're happier when you don't show and we find all sorts of tough Bullis thinking we're so clever to get them to go to school but get to go to school and we wonder why it breaks down their relationship with us as we make them feel less safe secure seeming soothed and they don't trust us and they feel lost and in pain and of course they go down and down and the whole and the heart gets bigger and bigger as this is all occurring they predictably go through alienation they get alienated first place they feel the alienation is sit in school they realize they walk into school and they get the evil eye from some well-meaning uninformed teacher or Rebbie who thinks I'm gonna put this kid in their place they're gonna just know and they gave him the evil eye and they know I am persona non grata s' I am NOT wanted they feel the feeling that the one place their home life what is a child's life let's be honest what's their life from five to eighteen what is the life of a child school that's what they do for a living they go to school imagine we're forcing our kids into schools knowing full well they are we made to feel worthless and we don't like you or want you and you're a threat to us you threaten us we look at you as a rebel a mire it has fish on we look at you as dangerous and all they are is from Metro mattias young people who are hurting and trying to soothe their pain that's it they're sweet lovable nice human beings I'm just don't wanna hurt them they feel entitled not to hurt they thought they had a right to live in this world and not hurt and seeing as we didn't take care of them and show them how not to hurt they acted in their own defense and were adaptive to this world and starts doing behaviors that soothe the pain it's adaptive they trying to survive and we kill them for that and we alienate them from the place where they're meant to be every day and then we wonder why they don't want to go to school and why do they want to sleep never never wake up and think why does my kid want to sleep till school is out why there was is why they sleep till 3:00 4:00 o'clock isn't it magic they sleep till 3:00 4:00 o'clock why why you know why because I don't want to deal with the fact that I'm not in school and school made me feel like a worthless worm like a predator a disgusting human being yes I'd rather go to sleep all day then think all day I should really be in school because all I think about when I have that is in to external and internal cues that simulate and resemble aspects of my original drama because I couldn't learn and they made me feel like a worm I feel trauma all day gee I'd rather sleep - school's out thank you very much then people comes hi generally sleep till 3:00 4:00 wake up that's why so they get alienated from school next thing of course is the friends you know they'd be good friends and I understand it I hope nothing should be confused with critiquing I'm not trying to explain and describe I'm not trying to critique but the good friends as if there are good and bad people this is such a sick language it makes me vomit the non struggling kids who was either not to be traumatized those kids have you'll come up with the Russian Davis I'm sure he has one already I'm gonna hear about in two minutes the non traumatized people you know it's better not to be friends with her it's better not to be friends with him and drag you down so suddenly not only are they alienated from school but what could really hold them together and give them a sense of being cared for and being a person disappears to their friends friends are more important than anything in this world for a child the young person friends is their life the drama with their friends is their life and their so called non struggling are all disappearing in droves and alienating them where there's nobody left itself minded trauma victims who are all looking to find a way to cover up our pain and sharing drugs and information and sex with each other because they don't want to hurt not because they're evil not because they're bad but because that's all they've got so they've got and he'd rather not type and then the community sees them she's the way they dress is he's the hairstyles and their tattoos but sees that there will be no boys and girls doing things together so the community then decides you know we better reject them too this is not good for us phenomenal stommer that homes lot of if they Polly children their bells it's crazy it's like suddenly it's wrong to be about sugar it's wrong to be a Belgian is to achievers they're very livin Englishmen are those people there something about the Memphis so they start alienating the home the community cut off you start feeling isolated until now you had a you know if you were in like in a month C or Lakewood you had your backyard if the kids played with their friends suddenly a new fence goes up around the backyards around your house expensive trees appear to block the view from the neighbors no we just thought it was nice to have trees I know it's February but you know we thought so the alienation continues where the child feels what they're doing to themselves and what's happened to them and the family and they are bitter and angry imagine the habit of safe secure seniors soothe of what they're experiencing now and then without coming here without getting educated without going to army without going to mask without going to all the wonderful organizations trying to help people monoliths lon the final final final blow is when they feel their parents gave up with them god forbid and now they truly want to die this is the journey of ajanta this is what happens to our children it's never there formed was never their fault it's not I should offer some values we're not gonna get in so much gothic guy giving you know he explained UCSB and it's writing better to them that's their problem let's get some explaining sneers its drama by sight its trauma built on a siren which is shared by Robin of the lack of the nurture limit setting and guidance the lack of the four asses the supporters which exists all over the place not just here in this room don't be foolish but when drama happens and you don't have that you get this is this a child's fault did any child do this did any precious neshama arranged for this and every single piece of their behavior was simply Tylenol are they not entitled to tylenol do we really want to take that from them too and not replace it with something the question we have to ask here today every one of us when you walk away from this conference what am I going to replace for my child what Tylenol am I going to bring them where is my spiritual Tylenol if I want them to walk away from those behaviors that we're all so aggravated about what are we gonna replace it with what are you going to give them back what painkiller are you offering your children that's the question we have to ask how can I heal their pain inside so they won't need that stuff well you think they'd want it nobody wants it nobody justifies every time they justifies when you criminalize them for wanting it then you can be entitled to hold Russia about what's good about marijuana when you don't criminalize it and you understand it you sit there with a man named Emma I'm with you and your pain then you hear from them how much they hate their lives and they hate their drugs and they hate their relationships they hate it all I should offer here this is simple tip just to think this is our shopping choices they didn't have inside the wherewithal to hold them through trauma why should they we were they gonna get it from and again I say to you there are thousands of families who didn't give it either but they didn't have dramas it didn't happen to them so they look like they're getting away with it they just didn't have trauma that the same as you they did the same parenting you're no different you're wonderful just like they are and had they had the trauma they've been looking like you no difference they'd be here for sure they didn't they weren't little better than anyone here in this room there are no better group of parents somehow out there because they're better they knew what they were doing that doesn't exist is no such notion they did the same as you but they didn't have trauma hitting their kids and the question we have to ask is what is my obligation how do I replace all that stuff yes I won't do it by debate and by you know sneaking into their room and point bleach into his marijuana plot pot you know to kill the marijuana in his closet no and getting the app on his phone to spy and see who is friendly with the money story on his Facebook account his answer foolishness anyway they can't you they're smarter technology than we are it was catcher in the end they know they're probably spying on your phone they certainly know how to crack through all the security on your windows protected computer they got a little dongle they plug it in reset the computer and they're in and you know no pig likes to they were ahead of us it's all idiotic foolishness is missing the point the question we have to ask ourselves we walk out of here today is what am I gonna do to soothe my child's pain what what am I gonna do how am I gonna change me so I can be the person to soothe their pain so they won't need that rubbish no that's right me Russell can you tell me how to talk them out of drugs no I can't don't ask me and while all this is going on what are you going through what our parents what did we go through what's happening to us while this is happen to our children they're affine predictable stages we're all going to go through and we need to go through it's not easy we need to go through if I asked for a show of hands how many people here in this room have been accused by others or themselves ever of being in denial about their kids okay most hence denial is the first stage all those parents they're in denial they don't know what's going on there's such denial from the schools and the Meister's and the relatives NASCAR name this word denial is thrown around the sick was used as an evil word you see denial is a punishing word you're in denial everyone hears that word to cringe when you hear the word denial I've got news from you the rabbi mission Lila created all medicine including denial denial is actually a very useful stage when you deal with trauma it's a very helpful useful stage because when you're facing trauma it is so painful it's so overwhelming you're so frightened that I guarantee you you will do something stupid bad or dangerous if you walk right into trauma so the a mystic gave us denial as like a soft landing it's a soft landing so we can get slowly into the Sigma and not make even more stupid mistakes slowly we become aware of the truths I don't want anyone to ever feel embarrassed or ashamed about being in denial it's not a bad word it's a it's natural I think it's almost healthy its adaptive the thing is though you just don't want to stay there you want to get out but take it as long as you need it it's okay because you're gonna make bad mistakes but you have to come out of denial going through it is not you're not stupid or bad or a full if you're still in denial about the realities of your children it's a stage with time you must come out of denial you have to move through it you have to look the Sookie in the eye to what it is you have to be honest about it we have to face it embrace it we have to deal with it the first stage predictably is denial move through it allow it to process allow yourself to come out with the right support the right guidance we all come out of denial we get real we start being honest truthful most people when they come of denial they do something called bargaining are goning is a mess - real mess and it's very expensive bargaining is we're in desperate moves we try to bribe our kids to behave it's a logically stupid step but nevertheless it's a step we promised them a trip to Florida if you'll just dress right one extra inch of your skirts of what go to Florida for vacation for three days I'll take you to show just one extra inch a flat one exchange of course you fall for it and so does she sure she gets the one two skirts with the extra hinge by the time you've reached Florida those guys oh my alright I get you a new bike if you just go to school I'll get you a new bike I promise you just just give me ten days of going to school like you Shiva time I gave you a new bike ten days they go to school get the new bike and then they sleep till three o'clock and you feel like such a fool you've been head with bargain with our Shannon we take on all sorts of things just do this for me I Sherman and I'll do that for you as if you know he's open for negotiation we're so busy bargaining money fillers also said the ladies by the benches on Friday whoa what a scene do it privately we have two sets of life though the one way you cry your head off from fall apart somewhere else then the one in the living the way you crime is smile you don't cry at all you smile you're happy to greet Java switched up to a sense you know bargaining it's a natural but completely foolish stage doesn't get you anywhere at all her aiya the way bargaining fails which it always does you get angry really angry you find yourself obsessed with anger that's the third stage and you just can't seem to spiteful the anger the range of the frustration you're angry with you kid which does a real lot of good I mean that's really helpful for the hole in the heart that really stops and doing drugs I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind she just got to no way back there good I'm gonna tell her I'm gonna said this is not acceptable in my house no your Bubba in gym I am you know she must feel like yo she went through such masseuse never this we get angry Gangubai kid we get furious with the schools blame them as if it's their fault it's not they contribute it's not their fault I'm a part of difficult society that we have to address we blame the neighbors for sure we definitely blame the people who like you know they they drew if they would just let my make kids be friendly with mine why did they have to pull away we blamed anyone we play meet each other husbands and wives blaming each other's constantly doing one false move and then we tak each other as if it's like the whole thing's your fault if you hadn't done that see what happened you see what you did and the worst is me blaming they're going to show it are you doing this to me I'm trying so hard wash and why are you doing this to me and we consume it with this anger that's just destructive destroys us yeah he says five minutes not a chance I didn't couch mantas all five it's natural what I'm describing is stages there naturally it's not a critique you understand I'm trying to validate I'm trying to help us understand and validate ourselves I got the go-ahead but the anger destroys us inside the anger is a half of why we got this problem in the first place someone showed me this morning I spoke on Shabbos about am a Jewish a I knew who's in my brain it was pretty close I was trying to think how someone showed me the rash here he brings it down but it was better than I said because I said the washing the car your tartar right the lotion is named Hareton who chosen for this you were chosen for this bruh she comes through for us I mean considerate he's given the Yiddish a kingdom he's the parent iron a kind of Yiddish akin de he's now the father substitute for clerical right for the Yiddish akin de Binet his father and the greatest catastrophe happens under his leadership as a father of cloudless well imagine what he felt like I guarantee for worse the winter and his the the magnitude of what happened under his leadership imagine bagel and my sure banal puts him straight in a moment the car need clarity you were chosen to this this is your job and beautiful ah you have to get rid of the anger we have to let it go I said natural stage producer I get that but we got to move through the anger the catnip hard you were chosen for this let it in drink it in drink it in deep the car myth harder this for you chosen for this is your journey and your child in pain in Sherman looked at you and said I think she could do it I think he could do it yeah yeah I understand I gotta go through this as they were shown mind the mulatto I understand that him who's gonna help me down there yeah let me show you all the new the new new genres the new goofin coming in the world I'll show you oh yeah yeah the ones about part those yeah yeah that'll take them no no no no the neighbor and then of them then the cosna fertile you were chosen for this drink it in let go of all the anger is natural I understand that the only person you should be angry with yourself his angry myself I didn't know this already I just wish I knew this that's ever nothing else and even that's destructive let it go let it go just be grateful I'm here now be grateful I'm here now are getting this getting the picture the circular the great one you made a fantastic choice to come in the shows [Applause] and when you get through the anger come probably to one of the hardest stages of all this is very challenging but is crucial and it's where you truly truly mourn the loss of the picture you once had you mourn the loss you let it go when you had that baby and you made that kiddush and you could remember it you remember the joy the heavens remember the feelings of dedication and wanting and longing to see a beautiful child a happy child fulfilled you dreamt about her life about his Bar Mitzvah her fastener you had visions of what you hoped and you longed for that exact picture that wasn't meant to be yours not that picture you have to mourn the loss you just have to mourn the loss of that picture you have a different picture trust me and it's a wonderful picture and it can be so special and it can fill you and you can have not us enjoying it can't have that picture not precisely the way you had into the that the kiddush or the way you thought of it of the shot is offer the way you dreamt about it in those early years no you have two more you have to mourn the loss you have to let it go because it's gonna get in the way you have to see your child for who they are now for what you wanted them to be and what you dreamt what you fantasized because that wasn't for you that wasn't for us it was a different picture there are vendors on hand for us it wasn't that one it's crucial you mourn that loss and let it go you have to let it go because it will constantly get in the way it will undermine you every step of the way because she's still trying for the wrong picture and your time will not feel seen they will not feel secure with you they will not feel safe with you these everyone feel soothed by you so you have to mourn that loss that picture let it go just let it go and you have to go the journey was the new picture you have to find a new one is ever not that picture so sorry but it's not that one but I can reassure you it could be an amazing picture is a pink you never quite imagined has different subtleties different twists than you thought the cut Napolitan you were created for that picture we were created for this picture we have to accept that because that's the stage we're working for the fifth stage which is acceptance where we accept this situation as it is deeply profoundly lovingly non-judgmental manner not critically I truly accept rabbi initially that this is what you gave me and I embrace this design with heartfelt love for Europe I - eleven this is why you put me here this is why you gave me these and shoulders and you entrusted me with this there will be your faithful servant I accept that this is what I've got this is good for me and then I truly accept it we need to get to accept and service we need to get through there we need to get through all these stages they're all normal but we must accept amounts of and stop fighting it stop trying to tweak him so I'm trying to change it try try stop trying to get back to what we thought or what we wanted because it's not going there and I repeat it can go to a wonderful wonderful wonderful place of joy and Knuckles and pleasure it can it's just not that this we must accept that this is my destiny the CAF new fountain I was chosen for this and I accept it as is this is me in Korea manner of myself it's been a criminal so how do we do this you join a support group you get support you get help you let go of your own ego you get it out the way you go on a journey faithfully to embrace this is my child who did nothing wrong they simply experience trauma and if anything I was the one who was not safer to work out how to give them the Binion with the safe secure scene and soothe the reinforced column I was the one who wasn't safer to give them that that's for sure I should blame them ever for anything for any tylenol type thing they ever tried to do has to show them I should blame them for wanting their pain to go away I want to be the total I want to be the tylenol I want to walk out of here today is my new middle name tolerable and guess what I'm gonna be a dispenser and I'm gonna dispense parallel in the form of unconditional love acceptance non-judgmental kindness built on a full Havana I'm gonna take responsibility and I'm gonna do that by rebuilding before s's I'm gonna rebuild these voices I'm gonna work like a dog to give them safe secure seen and soothed that's the dispenser that's the tylenol dispenser but whatever their journey takes them whatever they do I'm going to dispense Tongva years ago I finished with this story I have a situation I worked with child Ben young man have been through his trauma days but we didn't even understand trauma and a clue about what had happened the tension in the family got worse worse and worse one Friday night the Sun comes down to the meal and the sooner he's wearing his undershirt the jeans angrily stands leaning against the wall with his arms crossed as we want to sit at the table it's forced to come down to the meal and in the middle of kiddush he flips the switch on the chandelier to turn it off just to aggravate his father father untrained uneducated those days what do we have 20 years ago last hit totally lost it and lunged at his kid in anger the middle of kiddush they chased each other around the table mother and their other siblings trying to block with their chairs hoping the father wouldn't get him kid ran out of the house and found a garden rake and ran round the house smashing the windows I ran off into the night such pain such horrible pain they came to me on Sunday we talked they didn't know where he'd gone parents came emergency meeting we talked turned out eventually he'd gone to some Lancome across town and it was agreed that he wouldn't go home for a number of months so we stabilized things the parents worked diligently very diligently they worked with me to try and understand I was pretty primitive in those days but as best as I could we went through this again until they found the place to realize he was obviously hurting this wasn't deliberate it's the result of some sort of trauma that we knew we didn't know what and about six months in I get a call from the uncle on behalf of this young man he'd like to come home for Shabbos he'd like to try it he wants to know are we ready are we ready and I met with the parents it had no contact six months been living by an uncle and parents and I went through this again and I prepared them for what I thought was likely to happen and we decided yes we should we should go ahead with that he came home for Shabbos fortunately they were prepared Friday afternoon he arrives home everything seems to be very nice and polite and respectful but as the day draws on the tension starts rising and by the time the father comes home from school the boy didn't go the boys in his room and they called him down and he comes down with his t-shirt jeans and stands by the wall Crossland this time the father makes kiddush and halfway through kiddush lung behold he puts the lighter and this time the father finishes kiddush as if nothing happened just finishes kiddush and then he starts handing out the crisis to the family his wife and the children and he picks up one case he walks over to so he gives him the case and he says Tim I'm so sorry I wish I'd known back then what I know no sorry he gives it in the caisson and the two of them slide down on the floor crying and the wife of the children join and everyone's crying on the floor at that moment the healing began young man is from young men's they married from young men and the healing happened just then when he gave him the kiddush with the expression I wish I'd known then why lie down down I submit to us all if we can go home with the knowledge we know now reconnect with our kids and make that apology each one in our way find the words and language and simply tell our kids I wish I'd known of them what I know now the silage to have made the healing begin for all of us maybe or beside to somehow we well if we could reach the acceptance and understanding the truth about the struggle if we can really reach that and understand the casually Ponte this is what I was chosen for maybe we all have the strength the hufana the love in our hearts to reach and he'll be a true confession thank [Applause]