Parents Navigating Turbulent Chinuch

okay good morning um welcome to the special session for parents navigating turbulent finish presented by kashanashi we prepared preparing for liberating paisa first i want to do some housekeeping thanking my team for encouraging me jinji ashley rosenberg painter coleman schleimer litzman also special thanks to coach menachem and us for allowing us to use their platform into helping us and guide us to make this happen i also want to thank torah anytime for being there for us all the time and helping us with all the recordings and being able to continue to spread words of wisdom physic tyranny and everything that comes along with it an inspiration special thanks to rashmi naiman for willing and accepting this covet of being with us today for 45 minutes or so and being able to help us in such a turbulent time it's only 12 months since last year right it's only 12 months since last year where lights lights were blinking all over sirens were were continuously blaring all over are you all nervous about paisa what we're gonna do everybody was struggling with calling to say what you should do what you shouldn't do and it dawned on me a couple of weeks ago we as parents dealing with struggling teenagers and not knowing at night where the child is or having a child in bed and struggling with these kids that are dealing with emotional distress as a parent some of us especially the questions that came in the last couple of weeks the parents called questions about uh different issues that are coming up for pesach and felt it's only the best time now to bring the person that has been dealing over the last 30 years with parents with adults with people dealing with ocd and being guru to be able to help us with these questions it's only the best time to have a person like kashmian lyman to help it's important to remember that if you have your own rule and you should have young roots your personal questions it's extremely important for you to ask your own group in your own diastolic this is this meeting is designed where there's so much confusion going on before pesach between minhogem hashkoff and the sauron and quite frankly a lot of times it's not having the knowledge not understanding that time of crisis you need to be able to do things a little bit different it's important for us to be able to have semiconductor it's important for us to have a professor it's important for us to be able to come into yantev excited calm that helps for the child that's in need and it helps with all the other children in the family kasha now she is always striving to be able to help parents to be able to be invigorated to have physic to be able to avoid we feel that in order to be able to go into this yantu it's the most important thing is not to have stress that comes along with the youngster and on top of that to deal with all the other issues around this financial stress emotional stress so i believe right now is the attuned time first i want to thank gadalia for giving me the opportunity to have such as here as host uh we would to be together but first i want to apologize my english is not the best i think it's uh it's okay but it's not the best it's not my first language probably it's the sixth language but i hope i will be as hashem be able to try to say he will understand why i wanna why i want to say the first thing what guidalia said before that we have to be in a very calm massive we should be able to be making the myth of nagato because [Music] shiro the same ashrae was in the same assurance comes every year in every hidden house the same cypher explains that asks how could a person say this maybe an outsider is a long line waiting want to join the seder well how could a person say who who wants to enjoy can come in so the server explains hazard hellos that invest one from the one from the nissen from the nesting was what was invested in them is and it it has place for everybody so that's the reason why but the same thing we say called the fin comes in every edition house and there's a gevalting opportunity to shine in the shine of amina in the turkan in our children and this is a the way we should give over to our children could only be when we are in calm massive we are happy we are not stressed because if we are we are stressed out like hazal tell us could not give over for the children when he is an amateur from kabdonna from from being in stress and a stressed matter we have to be calm to be able to give over so that's the reason we are placed overnight we are like all all parents are like milan and we have to give it over to the children in a calm way and that's the reason we have to try to be calm not to be nervous not to have like a lot of people there when it comes to the homuras of faisal they get nervous and this is a massa amassa once that we should we shouldn't have the opportunity to give over to our children and that's the reason he came with uh a mask from from kadisha from yiddish kite that we have to be worried about brock's about the other you know how him yeah you name it and we have to know one thing we have to be calm this is the first thing this comes for the the this comes before all humorous from pastor the most humble we should have that we should be calm you should be able we should be you have the capability to give it over to our to our children in a happy way so a lot of times we have homeless like let's say drugs or we don't take in food from other people but unfortunately when we have when we are in crisis like we have to deal differently like everybody understands when it comes like when you have a child who is mammoth sick then everybody understands when it comes to hummus of face that we know if parents are in the hospital and they didn't have time to cook everybody will take food from other people even we have homeless places not uh by other people the same is when when we have when we have uh when we have special our special children and it's also a matter of crisis and a lot of times we have to give up that usually we do but when it comes to it's not a usual usual matter we have to give it up and we have to understand this is what the revenge leader wants from us the reborn wants that we should be in a happy massive and even even uh because because of this special children we can't you can be in all this in all our homeless let's say even with gibraltar let's say there are people they have a homura they only eat matzah they eat the matzah because i smart they took his eyes and then they take off the whole the the they take off the the there are people that have the human i'm not saying i'm not laughing of them of this summer if people have this height but i want to explain you what we have when you have such a such special type of children and they can't stand this humorous uh probably everybody who is in the line understands exactly what i'm saying they they want to eat normal they want to eat matzah in the in let's say they want to break they want to eat the matzo together with the fish with the soup they want to put in muds in the soup and the way we are the way we we we dealt till the in and when when we didn't have such a special need of children it wasn't such a thing that we should rock but but if you if we have the special children and he wants to broke don't try to scream on him it's okay if you want to use plastic dishes because in the height you don't have to use your corel dishes but if you want to dusky use your coral dishes and he breaks in the don't get nervous it's okay doesn't want we should be nervous now and we should be nervous about blocking yeah it's a big thing but because this will bring out that we should be nervous and this child will not will not be happy to sit by the seder so we have to we have to do whatever it takes that this child should be but decided not with pressure usually usually our special children they want to be better said but they want it should be a happy atmosphere if we if we will come with the with the atmosphere that we had like uh unfortunately this is the way we are brought up that when it comes to the seder it comes to pace like everybody is stressed and i in when it comes to the hummus of faith everybody like gets freaked out and such such children they don't want to they don't want to sit by such as either but if we will be in a matter from no it's happiness it's something and we want to be happy we should take all this type of humorist and put it on our side because this is the first thing we have to do tells us you have to understand you make a sader for all your children and you can't say i'm only making the the sadie for for the ghost i have uh i have hashem six children a victor and it's like a welding thing i should i should make a sata together with them it could go till three or four o'clock in the morning with the devil toyota and the madrosh the so why should i take this child more than the other children the answer is the bala god says when you have four type of children the shiny delicious you have to make us say that for all for all type of children and if this this child wants to sit by say that only for two hours he doesn't have patience to say this should take like for six eight hours he wants to me he wants to start to say that eight o'clock can be finished by ten o'clock if it will go like a fast seder like the mats you make you make a pose and in he will be calm if you see he wants to he wants to join and he wants to like uh like say that he wants to listen because into hate if you see that he gets nervous you have to know you have to continue deciding and you have to keep on going you have to finish this if 10 o'clock you finish with the whole seder and you want to spend the time like says you should be up a whole night and talking about this is and that child was by the whole cedar because it was it was short and sweet so that way your makhan the mitzvah you had like like your children all the children were decided and then you can be making the mitzvah synthesis with time all night but has a challenge to say i i i i i don't wanna like if he destroys to say that i don't wanna i don't wanna have him he shouldn't be about to say that no maybe the banished loyal wants you should be to make a salary with him more than the other children like i said before it hasn't shown you have a child who is sick physically like everybody understands that that this child will take first the same thing is when it comes to when you have a child who is sick emotionally or is especially child this child comes comes first and if he wants to like enjoying the seder with the whole family you have to take it you have to you have to yeah you have to spend time you should be together with the whole family the same thing is when it comes to like let let's say this child wants to buy all the nasirai the all the what's in the store the older snacks he wants to wants to buy the snacks so he doesn't he can't stand the pacer that he only you only uh should eat matzo with with the witch mouths and and and potatoes and again potatoes again wine again in the kitchen the five foods he doesn't he doesn't want he and so a lot of people say okay they buy they buy all the snacks but they say for the other children has a children to eat it this is this is only for this special child don't go this way you can say you can yeah you can say for the other children that uh like like uh usually we don't eat it you can eat it if you want but usually we don't need it but buy it it should be in the house and if that that child don't make feel that child oh this this snacks is only bought for him it's not it's not made for the whole family it's only for him he's the special need child so this is the no you should you should you should buy all the snacks water all type of chocolates and cookies and cake and you should be comfortable and other children if they will eat they will eat don't make an issue from it even by us we don't miss we don't we don't eat from other people no we have to understand when we have such a type of child we have to we have to deal the whole family differently it came in a shiloh somebody asked that um [Music] we have a child he he doesn't the mechanic that is the mahal shabbos he is he eats comments and he brings in comments in our house what should be our response are we here like to take the hummus throat out of the house or to tell the child if you're bringing comments you have to go with someone yeah yeah you're not you're not you're not allowed to be here with comments if you want to have comments there is one thing you should you should comment is only a lot in the outside of the house not in the house and the question is if he bought some some comments and he burned in the house if halakhadik if we arm a cliff to throw her out the answer is no we can keep her in the house if he brings this brings it in in his room you can keep it there it's not a problem even it brings it in the middle of the dining room this comet is not yours it's it's the child's it's not yours it's your child even says you have to throw it away but this is not when it comes to this type of children like it's uh it's not only but we spoke a lot of the when it comes to others in we understand our children they are not considered like they're not considered that even they eat hummus and pasta they're not considered like children we eat it's a it's an amateur day they don't have a choice it's not how to show them that uh that they're hive courageous they're not high of course and uh and you shouldn't like be excited even you see them eating humans and pastor don't be excited it's nothing it's not it's not a sin and uh i understand it's very hard thing a lot of times a lot of times i think uh like like everybody is different yeah like everybody has this type of children and everybody is not different massive but we have to understand if this is the massive kadhishvaraki maybe you should be in this massive that you your child wants to eat comments usually if you will not make an issue from it usually he will not want to bring your comments in the house because usually they only want to do it because they know that you will get nervous they want to see how they want to see how far it goes if he brings the comments in if if if my parents will get excited so we have to be prepared for the fireplace so i'm not getting excited it's okay it's okay to have to have like like a like a a a big pie of pizza middle of my dining room table on the pacific underpass or kiki cloth it's okay i'm not making an issue from it when he finishes the eating he goes out like then he can throw it away but don't make an issue on the front from this child get out you have all the questions no but if somebody wants to ask a question they can send me a message to 718 578-7799 and we can post a question or they can put it on the chat possibly somebody asked if the if the child made like weed brock and he he made like uh [Music] scrambled eggs would matter so he took the pan and made the pan like he he brought in the pan so what we should do again the answer like i said before we shouldn't scream at this child are you're broken don't do it don't do it don't don't get excited like your own broke is only a humra and it's not a humor we should get excited and like the the best way you should do is that um that you should you should uh you should if you can have already a different uh fry pen like like you tell them like in a nice way you don't brock if you you want to break you should use this fry pen and we like this is okay but um but if the matter is that he like like i said before he wants to like he he wants to test the warriors how far the parents will not be angry and he wants to cook an older and all the frypans he is using it to block then you should also broke it's okay don't get excited even you have to give up the humor of rocking and pissing it's okay you have to show this child that i'm okay with you okay the question came in question [Music] now basically based on what the rose said that after bringing in comets um it's not our problem what happens with the rest of the hummus that's laying around like for instance if there's crumbs laying around that's falling apart all over the place what do we do with that what's our our cries on that you throw to the garbage when he finishes and goes out but don't like not in the front room no no when he finishes his pizza you should take the crumbs and fruit in the garbage you don't have to burn it it's not yours you have to you take the like you clean up the house and then you throw it in the garbage somebody asked it's not a child of mamish for pacer but for dallas courses my child is a michael shabas and he wants to know if he has to buy like uh wine what's my bushel if if if he has a wine he has to watch the child shouldn't see the wine the answer is it's not it's not a place of kishan it's a shallow for a whole for a whole year he is not considered like in the in the wine is not yaya he could touch the wine it can be he can it's it they are not considered like this it's clear somebody asked the question that dealing with a child that's basically spiraling out of control right now um basically the let's say maybe still wearing the bush but in the room they're being called chavez and they're trying to be from the door put on film they don't put on film but we see that they're sleeping all day in bed they're depressed they're frustrated but officially they are still from do we still go with that does that also apply because officially outside the officially trying to show that islam the director is struggling but we do we find the leniencies on this situation the answer is like um yeah when we have a suffix when it comes to the toilet we have to go legendra here is the homura when you have a suffix we don't know where the child holds we have to call the comrade to go on and uh no we have to have the commerce officers no you have a suffix you have a doubt maybe this child will take the homura on a hard way and because of this humor he'll throw away the whole yiddish guide like we see a lot so then we have to we have to be lenient and you have to say okay maybe maybe he is stressing him out so the humdrum is you shouldn't be mahm it's now a question came in can we give him money to buy hummus the kid is completely over there yes you shouldn't tell him even i'm giving you money but don't buy comments no give him money and you should buy whatever he wants um you shouldn't go buying comments but give him money you should you should it should buy whatever he wants like the story that they say from the khazanesh somebody has the hazard that his child is shabbos and he wants a shabbat makar if you should make katana with him i'm giving you the car but with one tonight that he shouldn't ride in shabbos and told him no no no buying the car and he should do whatever he wants and the same is here give him money he wants to buy homage back it's not a problem so now now there is a emotional question is coming in right now that i guess this is somebody that's new to the massive of having a child is spiraling out of control and being very very demanding the person is asking a intellectual question emotional question the child is coming to this either but he's making it very unpleasant for everybody he's screaming he's upset and to what extent do we put this child first over the other kids oh it's a tough one again we have to try to make the most we could again so uh one one thing we have to we have to know that um a lot of times because we have expectations before they say that we have expectations we have an expectation the way we want to say this should be and we want it to be like a pleasant say that everybody should be calm and no no dramas and unfortunately it doesn't happen so then when it doesn't happen we get nervous and we have to understand we have to we have to know when we have this uh this is a thing a person has to do all the time not not even when we have this this special children but especially when we deal with this special children we have to know not to have expectations and before they say that you have to know whatever happens it's okay it's a it's a it's like a welding a night from ashore college comes to us and we will do whatever it takes now this child when this child makes trouble you can try you can try to again we a lot of times you can see what bothers them like we can see again but but it will be like i know for a fact most of the time when we we are prepared that it could happen drama usually we are prepared for more words and when it happens okay okay we we we were prepared for uh like for much worse if we are prepared we we think from beforehand art will be a cider yo it will be such a smack everybody will sit in a seat and everybody will listen it goes so then when it comes the first the first thing then we get nervous but we have to we have to do the other way we have to we have to like expect it could be the worst and then whenever it happens it happens again if it comes to a point that uh then you can't deal with it you have to make up your mind what you can do if you can't deal because it's not the way you are exp it's not it's not your expectations this this is the you can't handle it or you can't hold it that means you know for for real you can't handle it it's not you it's not the ego it's uh you can't help it because you see the other children can can stand it so then again i want to tell you you know we always make mistakes and we will continue making mistakes we can know like beforehand like a lot of people are telling me i want my benny should be with me 24 7. and then i could ask him every shiloh how we should deal now how to deal now nobody like has the answer from the first minutes of the second what they do we always make mistakes we have to be ready to make mistakes but it's a shine of what comes in that moment and we have to be we have to be amnestic with us and it could be we will make a mistake and it's also okay we have to be masculine to make mistakes and usually in that way usually it happens it goes good so now a question came in that my son loves to cook and he loves to make matsura or make something with matzo meal uh cake or something am i allowed to taste this food because it's going to give him the office he's going to feel as a parent this is coming in from england wow wow wow the answer is yes you should eat it yeah it's a mitzvah you should make it it could be you have to make a broker before he eats it but it's a mitzvah it's a myth we should eat it and make the child feel good yeah so the question now is also coming in that um let's say for instance the child lives in your home i'm selling the home and selling for for mkhitaryan so what do we do when a guy at the room itself or or do you sell the room with the child without the child so the question is what do we do because we know that we have one room designated for this child and do we have to sell the room what do we do it means it's his room it's not his room should i sell it and then tell him should i not tell him that i'm selling the room should i clean his room before face up or not would make him uncomfortable should i clean it or maybe not even clean it at all do i have a horizon to clean it do i have to be by the hummus in that room that's another question that came in okay the answer is like this um usually when we have such uh such children we try to make them comfortable usually and this is the way we have to do it not only for pastor we have to do like uh like in every like to make the child really feel comfortable we have to try like every week like to clean his room the i hope that uh you know it took time for me to understand it but um there are parents they they say if if he wants to have a clean room they should do itself he should do it by himself but we know that it doesn't work usually they don't know what means they don't know what means rules and uh the cries from uh from us parents is that the child should feel good should feel comfortable and we we should we should clean his room we should have made older times not not only for placer so now when it comes to pastor we have to clean the room like we clean the room uh older times it's not that's not we should clean the room special for pacer to take out the comments like if the child would be like you say for the child okay i want to clean your room because i want to make sure that it doesn't have comments no no no don't no not this way i want to clean the room because i want to i want to make you feel comfortable i want you to have you should feel comfortable you should have a clean room so now when it comes to mercedes hummus in the in the star when you sell the comments and the heater says wherever you have comments is sell for the good you don't have to like usually you make a place that that place if you have comments you put in that place but clearly it says in the start from the mercado's comments we sell for the guy all hummus wherever it is so this time you don't have to be mafara that he is selling the whole the the room of the child it's automatically if he has comments the place of the comments gets gets sold for the go automatically so don't make a like a point i'm selling the the this room because of comet snow and hazard to tell the child i sold your room because you have comets in the room so now questions coming in regarding pet food person has a pet in the house and you need to provide the food so it's hard to change the diet for the for the pet before pace after that week but realistically speaking the pet belongs to the whole family and now what do you do let's say you can't get uh push the price of the pet food so what do you do in that situation you only have the pet really for that for that child but the pet really is the old family well i don't know i guess that's the question that came in i know in the past they were they were they were looking for different types of food that we could use but i guess this is the question that just came in how we market the conversation how do we make it work wow the pet food is a thing that you you have to give it every day or you can put it like a air filter in the cage and you should eat it for a whole pacer oh i don't know i don't have a pet i don't know the answer and it doesn't matter why what path it is i don't know what that is the the thing is like this we should uh again if you could buy like there are crucial pasta food i know that pets but the question is if it's impossible again if it's possible you should have not uh not comments like a food you should do but if the situation is you can't change the food you should uh when you sell the the when you sell the hummus you should sell the pet for the guy also so the pet is not mines it's the guys and the thing is but the the the the pet food if you could put it in like in the cage it should be the whole place it's not the pet is not mine the pet is the guys you can play with it you can you can the the allergy is you can you you can let that child play with the pet even as the guys because in this home it says clearly that if you want to use it you can use it it's not like hello but now you're in a with the abbott situation so um you should sell you should sell the pet also for the guy and like it's not mines in the in the food for the pet is also the guys so that way we will not be over oh they say there is a company is called kosher paws that they make special cushion a pastel food for pets okay so maybe the roof now for the last few minutes can give the physical appearance that are struggling to go in with the semiconductor calm they also want to before we be closed um basically talk about the shabbat on the upcoming shabbaton which will match on the june 10th through the 13th thomas base thomas all are invited go on to our website kashanowski.org over there you can register if you didn't register yet also if you want a sponsor if you want to give donations it's also available in addition to that all previous lectures that are given throughout the weekend is available through our website and if somebody has it filtered click on our website and be able to go for any time to be able to see it over there it's not on the regular tour anytime because for obvious reasons it's not something for every person to be able to go listen to it and we have to understand that that kaddish baraki gave us this here to have this type of children and we have to we have to take it like like like uh i explained by you uh i was two times ago i explained it from desire the zory explains before mashi is going to come this type of nishamas will be in this world and he gives such type of of children for special parents and we have to look on it like it's not it's not an issue it's not a punishment it's a it's a he gave for us this type of children we should be able to be makazik them and it's the biggest what is in this world that we that we can be such type of children says if a person will live thousands of years he will not do it and he will and he will save her like like 1000 years in a row one minute after the other he will not give an the way when he tries to help other people and unfortunately this is helping our children it's the children of they're going to shallow them and we try to help them and and it's a swiss it's not it's not it's not a punishment and this is the way we have to look on it i know we have to be much hazard ourselves all the time it's a struggle from every day every minute and the shrapnel comes we a lot of times we have shame so we have to be much hazard ourselves like to put the shaman aside and to do whatever we should take we should take it like it's a he gave gave gave to us the the the privileged such type of children and the same thing is when it comes to assay there and when we think oh i have such uh such a such good kinder such i have with such a child or a lot of times we have a few from such children and we shouldn't we shouldn't look on it like like a punishment you should look in that book hashem because what he gave it to us and we will deal with us we will do we'll do this as an assailant he said before mashikh is going to come that with our with our whole heart and this is one of the ways when we have he gave gave to us such type of children we have to we have to serve kalisperki with the whole heart we have to all the times you have to choose will schmidt first which is which is uh which is more like i said before a lot of times uh broken is a thing we did in brock when it comes to such a type of children maybe we have to give it up and all the times we have to like what what what what once the bunch learning from me now this is all the times every minute this is the question what wants the revenge of me now and i'm i'm gonna serve the revenge lord and what he wants from us and this is the attitude we have to go to the enterprise because we have to give over for our children and this is the way we we will give over to our children that we are happy and we serve a kurdish barclay with happiness not to we are angry under the replenish loyal and why do you do this why this why that no no no knows exactly what's good for us and we are happy with him and this is the way the child will see happy parent parents this will make the the child healthy i'm not saying this will make the child be ashamed of mitzvahs not all the times it depends on us but it will make the child more healthy usually when the child is getting more healthy usually it comes today is ashamed of its two but this is not our our goal shouldn't be oh like it can be mispalo it's a time but the seder it cannot bench oil but um but but but we have to our goal is one thing to make the to make our children happy will will he sees that we try to make to make the children happy because right will make us happy and should help us everybody from us should have a friend of yakushariyamtev the first time was when abramovini the muhammad finn from the five uh that was placed of the night the the second time was mcallister went out from the time the third time is when the muhammad is going to of thor anytime it's on our website you can't go direct the tour anytime you have to go to our website again if you want to register for the shabbaton all the information is at kashanash.org thank you again for the rule for everybody else to have covers of das and a question of rights