Jacob Blau

good morning everyone thanks so much for joining i think i by now i have met most of you uh but if i haven't met you my name is jason blau i reside in philadelphia good to see everyone i know that there's so many options and great speakers so i appreciate you attending this session today i think you'll gain from it we'll see last night was really special and transformative i think for a lot of us so thanks for being a part of that couple quick thank yous uh always a thank you first to hashem for the opportunity i feel like i've gained so much from this weekend more than i thought i would gain i want to also thank both kidalia and avi for their invitation to have me here today my family my group my broken ties uh family here that has been supporting me throughout the entire weekend throughout the entire year so it's uh really a pleasure and an honor to have you guys all here you know this weekend we're coming into it just before i get started i knew i would learn a lot i knew that i would meet a lot of people but i never realized how touched i'd be by everybody's story everybody has a story a journey but when you get to stand next to somebody and feel that story it's really something special i think that's what they call connection right and i think that's what we're all really searching for is this idea of connection i think that's what made this weekend so special although we've come together after having so much trauma right the buzzword of the weekend we can use that trauma to empower ourselves to uplift ourselves to bring ourselves forward in motion to be able to take action and help us help each other really survive this horrible pain of family struggles really is what this is at its core so i've been honored to be a part of it and i hope to continue to be a part of this as we go forward today's topic change your thoughts transform your life now if you were in my session last night we talked all about how many thoughts you have in your mind how negative those thoughts are how most of those thoughts are about things that will never happen right creating this worry and fear and anticipation and it really destroys the nashoma it brings us down it depletes us in every single way our minds literally take all of the energy from us and we can't breathe we're grasping for air sometimes welcome so today i want to talk to you a little bit about how to empower yourself how to gain some inner peace because you need it to be able to deal with what's ahead right the toughness of these relationships we're gonna do a few things today we're gonna have a little bit of fun i think i don't think i'll do as much crying today which is good all right give myself a break but i want to start in a moment with a breathing exercise i know who would have thought right a breathing exercise the breath is so unbelievably powerful first of all your breath is free which is basically why i like it the breath also has this unbelievable ability to slow down your heart rate from beating so fast and when your heart rate slows down from beating so fast your nervous system that fight or flight that also slows down and then the mind slows down right you can't stop your thoughts you cannot clear your head and you cannot turn off your mind in any way congratulations you're all alive right so what can you do sometimes it feels like those thoughts are coming at you one thought two thought three thought like a freight train if you can't stop them what you can do is good morning thank you for being here proud mamas you could slow your thought down you know what's in between your thoughts space yes space you did okay well you get full credit for saying it yeah there's space in between your thoughts you know what you could do with space yeah breathe relax get set focus gain clarity right figure out where you want to go and then take action to it all right i want to teach you a very simple breathing exercise some of you may have been in rabbi russell's grounding exercise the other day by show of hands who experienced grounding was that the first time you heard of grounding great this is gonna be a little bit different but sort of the same okay what i'm gonna introduce you to now is called a measured breathing exercise i'm gonna guide you through this it's only gonna be a few moments like a minute or two do you mind shutting that door thank you so much all we're going to do is we're going to think about counting to four in our mind as we breathe all the way in and then thinking in our mind to that count of four as we breathe out that's it we're gonna measure our breath the idea of measuring the breath is to match it with the count i'm gonna breathe in thinking one two three four and i'm gonna breathe out thinking one two three four we're going to try to make this breath measured in a way that when we breathe all the way in there's nothing left when we breathe all the way out there's nothing left okay we want to keep it consistent all right in a moment i'll ask you to close your eyes if that's not comfortable for you that's okay pick a spot somewhere in front of you maybe four or six feet a little bit lower than your natural gaze and just stare at it not you know a spot on somebody behind you a little move pick a spot on the back of the chair on the wall something like that and keep your focus to fix there if you can close your eyes i invite you to do so now all right put both feet flat on the floor all right put your back against the chair right maybe even rest your hands on your knees or your thighs just tune in feel yourself feel the weight of your body the weight of the clothes on your body okay and just come back to the present moment the only real moment that exists and as you do start to find your breath you start to notice it maybe you begin to notice the breath in the belly you could feel the belly the natural rise of the belly as you breathe in the natural fall of the belly as you breathe out you may notice the breath in your chest right as you breathe in the chest floats up and away you may notice that as you breathe out the chest floats down and back start to bring some awareness to your nose and find your breath there it's always there but when you begin to tune in you can notice it there just feel the coolness of the air moving in through the nostrils feel the warmth of the air moving out through the nostrils it's just an awareness if you can breathe in and out through the nose through the mouth works better for you that's okay too together we'll start to breathe in deeply through the nose and then breathe out deeply through the nose this time we're going to try it with the count as you breathe in we're going to think together one two three four and then out through the nose we'll think one two three four good again we'll take a slow deep breath in for one two three four a slow deep breath out one two three four good again inhaling slow for one two three four slow deep breath out one two three four try with me inhale thinking the count exhale thinking the count and then try two here on your own two rounds of breath we breathe in with the count we breathe out with the count one more full round all on your own never rushing the breath and after that breath is completely left your body just breathe naturally here take a moment whenever you feel ready start to wiggle your toes your fingers bring some movement back to your body open your eyes and join me here simple harder to do when you're in that fight or flight so begin this practice every day wake up davin say your brothers and sit for just a few minutes and breathe with the count right when you focus your attention on one thing it tells the body there's no danger and it automatically relaxes so we use the count the count is also helpful if your mind starts to wander off into what to do today the pain that you're in how am i going to deal you notice quickly that you're no longer counting you can easily just bring yourself back to the breath and begin again right inhaling one two three four right the out breath the exhale is actually tied to your heart rate so if you could slow down your out breath slow down your heart rate slowing down your nervous system and then the thoughts in your minds make sense great practice somebody said last night practice does not i was a musician he said he said practice does not make perfect he said perfect practice makes perfect and in order to be perfect you got to practice okay great change your thoughts transform your life we talked last night about how many of our thoughts are unconscious we're unaware of them they're running in the background and destroying our lives okay so when you become conscious when you become aware of your thoughts you can begin to change them all right the yatzahara my daughter says that pesky snake you know the eight sahara is always helping us to decide what we don't want right i don't want this feeling i don't want this pain i don't want to be struggling but in order to invoke the answer to you have to ask yourself one question front row what is it what do you want thank you it paid off yeah it was all worth it for this moment thank you especially coming from you what do you want if our mind is telling us what we don't want we have to begin to think about what we do want we have to be clear and we have to be specific about what you want okay for the purpose of what why do we need to be clear and specific we have to be clear and specific as to what we want so we can take action right it's balchuva it's easy to wish and pray you know give it up to hashem but we also know there's hashtag there's the effort that you have to put forward how do you know what effort to put forward if you don't know where you want to go if you don't know which direction to move forward towards and that's the idea of thinking like what do you want now there's a caveat here most of us are thinking what we want for somebody else right if i say well what do you want they say well i want for my child to return to my guidance right i want my child to call me to accept my invitation for shabbis i said well no no what do you want and many people have a hard time with this really like what is it that you want right i want to be calm and peaceful i want to parent with love and kindness and understanding that's what you want when it's too big it's hard to take action right some people get very clear they want to save the world ridding out of its plastic bottles you know you see these missions out there i say okay well what are you going to do first uh you don't know so you got to bring it down in in bite sizes right i'm going to save the world ridding it of its plastic bottles starting with this one right here right because then i could grab this and throw it into the recycling there's action i can take a little step so if what you want is not clear and specific there's no action what do you want i don't know what should you do i don't know right you're stuck that's the definition of stuck there's nothing to do it's passive we're waiting wishing hoping when you went for somebody else that's derbahira you can't mess with that right and that's frustrating when i can't get somebody to do what i want them to do i don't have any control i freak out i panic i get frustrated annoyed many other emotions right so the idea is what do i want me it sounds kind of selfish doesn't it thank you you get two points today it's not selfish at all this is the idea of putting your own mask on before you're putting on the masks of other i remember i flew over during between rosh hashana and yem kippur to my twin brother's wedding and i was watching the you know the in-flight presentation what happens when you lose cabin pressure and after they gave the little shear the little you know put your mask on first this flight attendant went up to every parent on the flight and pointed at them and said your mask first like to reiterate that point i thought wow like that was really effective because we forget especially as parents you know the one thing that i've really gained from everybody is you're all amazing parents right if you weren't you wouldn't be here right you wouldn't care so much you would say okay he'll find his way she'll find her way but if you're not strong if you're not moving with action if you're not feeling good about who you are it's very difficult to help somebody else through their troubles through their traumas we're gonna do a little exercise in repeating you ready all right it goes something like this we'll do it twice i'll say it then you say it that's how a repeat goes all right whatever follows the words i am your term all right follows me good we're going to put it all together i want to hear you really loudly this time okay whatever follows the words i am follows me go. great okay what does this mean if your mind is thinking i am so frustrated i am so annoyed then you will be frustrated annoyed right if your mind is thinking i am struggling you will be you will struggle this is horrible our minds are telling us what to think but we could change it we can change it the first part of this is awareness if you can gain a general idea of what's happening in your mind of these thoughts and you could do this through journaling right or writing down right you sit down for five minutes do you think how do i feel you write it down right i am sad i'm frustrated i'm annoyed i'm overwhelmed you know what you could do then think about what you do on do you want sadness no okay you want to be happy you know what people always say to me you want me to lie to lie to myself i say if if that's what it takes right no it's not lying to yourself right if you asked me what i was doing in six months i would tell you i'm climbing mount everest i am climbing mount everest you said no you're not you're giving a share here you're giving a talk at kesha nafshi well i'm getting there you know maybe maybe i'll get there but if i don't think about where i want to go i'm never going to go to the sporting goods store buy the boots and the tent i'm never going to train even take a hike outside so if i don't know where i'm going how do i know how to get there which direction to point myself in okay what do you want i am empowered i am strong i had to tell myself this morning right i'm awake or otherwise i would still be sleeping right a couple hours of sleep last night whatever follows i am follows me some of you may know these i am statements as affirmations you have to affirm to yourself right you have to put into your consciousness you have to invoke the gates your toef the itara is not worth fighting with it's too strong somebody told me actually i read somewhere as i'm learning we are all born with the yatahara but the acer toef doesn't come until no yeah the h13 it's got a 13-year head start i'm not going to compete with that right where do you want to go all right i like to put these on sticky notes post them all over the place or you take a dry erase marker and write on the mirror right i am an incredible mother who is empowering myself right to support my children in a kind and loving way sounds good doesn't it put it in your car in your tallest bag wherever you have to share these with friends and loved ones i am statements are so unbelievably powerful it gets your mind thinking completely different if you take nothing away from the entire weekend take away an im statement write the words i am on a three by five card i like to work with three three by five cards at a time put down where you want to go who you want to be how you want to show up for yourself and others you not for them for you and then carry them in your pocket or in your purse and every time you get more information you're like you know what that's not exactly what i want you can fix it change it or tear it up and start again all right i want to teach you about perspective now perspective how you're seeing things i wish uh razie was here she reminded me of this great technique i'm gonna all t i'm gonna teach you all right now the concept i call the pen i learned this from a great teacher i'm going to ask you four questions now and you can simply answer them i help you it's not a pass or fail don't worry okay but i want you to understand what perspective actually looks like you ready okay what is this come on yell it out that's a pen we know it's a pen because we learned it as pen right somebody handed this to me once i said i need to write they said oh here's a pen right so i clicked this thing on the top and i started to write it has ink in it feels like a pen it says those guys make pens it's a pen i know it to be a pen because i learned it and i took action with it that's how we gain perspective learn behavior and action taken that's it okay great second question let's say you were to walk out of the room great get a pen if you were to walk out of the room and instead a little puppy dog you know comes into the room what would the dog see yeah chew toy yeah something to you know put in its mouth good let's say you're in the room and the dog is in the room what is this now it is a pen to you right and a chew toy to the dog right it's both it depends on who's looking at it okay now i know humans love to say well i'm right i'm the human you know the dog's the dog but if i was to show this to an 18 month old they wouldn't see pen either right they haven't learned it yet as pen in fact they'd be closer to say chew toy wouldn't they it's kind of funny all right last question okay if i set this here on the table over here and we were all to leave the room right the pen stays here or the the object stays here right what would this be now what is it okay well it's a pen to who right because you and the dog in the hallway this here is in here what is it what is it glare here's how i like to see it it's nothing or nothing yet meaning it's nothing until a human comes in and sees pen or dog comes in and sees chew toy it's nothing yet okay and i think about all of our experiences the same way in our lives okay we're all looking at something it's our perspective it's our version our interpretation based upon learned behaviors and actions taken that's it okay saying that i understand your perspective does not change mine right it makes me with you in yours right we've talked about empathy and compassion and validation for all of those reasons why it makes somebody feel like you're together with them so they feel supported and safe start looking at your life as the pen ask yourself how am i perceiving this how do i see it without judgment do we know the definition of judgment i feel like i'm adding all these definitions and google's gonna have to change their uh the library judgment by the way is when you add good or bad positive or negative right or wrong to any experience things just are until we add our perspective right i'm gonna talk again about judgment in a few moments does that make sense the pen right you open up your refrigerator some people see you know nothing there's there's something in there right some people see leftovers some people see a blessing right we call it something different that's our perspective the way that we call it the funny thing about perspective is we're always trying to tell everybody that our perspective is the right perspective this is a pen no it's a pen to you right but not to everybody when we think about our children's perspective when you really try to understand you know going back to the talk last night tell me about your perspective right i see pen but what do you see what do you see i want to show it to you one other way not only can you choose your perspective but you can choose to change your perspective which is unbelievable okay what is this okay most people say sticky note that's an unbelievable marketing campaign that they've run here okay all right deliberately change the way you think about this think about it differently what is it now okay it's a piece of paper change your thoughts again think about it differently what is it a square okay sticky note square bookmark to-do list we put these on the door for reminders it could be anything that you choose it to be and if you have real vision right if you know where you're going what you want out of life you can make your perspective be whatever you want it to be right heart you could create your experience by thinking about it that way you could create your perspective it's fun right when you choose to think about something differently the things that you see completely change all the time i tell a story about my mother buying a purple car who does this thing i said mom a purple car she says you know i lose my car a lot at the mall i work at the hospital you know i see one of those alarms no she says no i said so how's the purple car working for you she says you know it's funny i bought a purple car i'd never seen anybody drive in a purple car i said i know why she said but the funny thing about it is the minute i bought that car i drove it off the lot go ahead purple cars everywhere yeah it's unbelievable yeah i have any um a friend of mine and uh he's he's also a life coach and he does a technique and he says i want you to go out and buy friday i want you to find a flamingo i think we've talked about this before you can actually go and search for things and they show up right i think that's the beauty and you could say that that's you know hashem sending you the love that you that you need but when you look for it it's there all the time by the way that works in reverse when you look for the pain the suffering why is this happening to me you'll find that too all right how are we doing on time 10 45 okay we're doing okay yeah we're good great awesome i want to say this again a little bit differently i want to give credit where credit's due get this beautiful teaching from rav khaimowitz in yerushalayim and he explains that when we talk about emotions right we've talked a lot about emotions some of us have shown a lot of emotion i have shown a lot of emotion i've been pleasantly surprised to see the men show a lot of emotion and i think it's healthy we tend to push our emotion down we think it's a sign of weakness that's a sign of strength by the way when you push that emotion down it bottles up okay creates more pain inside okay you got to let it go embrace each other build that connection be raw be emotional be authentic it's who you are all right here's the teaching i love this it's a little trick he says it comes from the torah i wish i knew where it was all right maybe as a follow-up we can put in the in the credits here turn any time when you focus on what is causing you to feel the way that you do the intensity of your emotion goes up i'm gonna say it again right like a little switch on the wall like a dial when you turn the light switch up when you focus in on what is causing you to feel the way that you do the intensity of the emotion goes up okay oh you're frustrated oh yeah this happened and that happened and you keep going and you get more frustrated more sad more overwhelmed right if you name the emotion sadness anger frustration the intensity of the emotion goes down right does that make sense when you focus in on what's causing you to feel the way that you do the intensity goes up of the emotion you feel it more deeply when you name the emotion right i am experiencing anger we talked about those im statements right when you think i am angry what you've done is you put on a t-shirt that says i am angry it becomes you it defines you mike's off it's back on all right it wasn't loud enough huh all right if you put on a t-shirt that says i am angry i am frustrated i am annoyed right i am overwhelmed i am sad you got all these t-shirts on never do that you're walking around like this you know what that makes it really hard to take them off and so when you name your emotion anger overwhelm love unreceived abandonment it's out there i like to say you could go to uh you know a concert like we had last night with sadness right the emotion of sadness you can't go to the concert sad right i'm not saying to push your feeling or emotional way i'm saying identify it for what it is it's an emotion it doesn't define you i am me experiencing the emotion of frustration of sadness of guilt of shame make sense by the way this works in reverse right when you focus in on what's causing you to feel the way that you do the intensity of the motion goes up so if you start to focus in on what's bringing you joy turn it up excitement turn it up connect it turn it up right so you get to choose you either allow your mind to choose or you make the conscious choice to do so make sense all right my front row will love this the power of two words maybe and yet either one of these words can be added to every single one of your sentences i like to say we're applicable okay we seem to think that we have the power of hashem or a crystal ball i'm not really sure right well i know my daughter's gonna say this oh really tell me more because if you do have a crystal ball let me know i have a business idea we can get into this together right you think you know and because you think you know you're perpetuating the story you're only looking for the aspects of that the same way we did with the purple car right you don't know so i like to say well maybe you're right maybe she'll react that way maybe if i ask him how do you feel why do you think that right what do you mean by i'm a jerk right that will cause them to run away maybe maybe not and so the idea of maybe is one that gives you some hope you don't have a crystal ball things change hashem is perfect maybe maybe this will happen all right maybe creates space it gets you out of the spiral the loop right i'm never going to get my kid back maybe maybe right maybe i'm going to flip that around here in an extra moment and the next word is yet right i didn't receive a phone call from my daughter yet right after you take certain amount of stylist you put the effort in you do the right things you ask open-ended questions you validate things like that you show love compassion empathy you get with them in their experience okay then okay you haven't gotten what you wanted yet right so keep those in mind in fact they're on the back of my business card right maybe yet what do you want right here okay all right a couple more minutes these are my takeaways i'm going to run down and then we'll close together this is like a one versus something else okay the first one is judging versus perceiving judging when you judge something you've already made the decision when you perceive something you work towards taking in information so that you can make a final decision okay be a perceiver not a judger stop judging yourself stop judging everybody else stop judging everybody's actions pull back gain information i love this one be curious somebody said it the other day i think it was rabbi russ i've been quoting him off all weekend be curious not defensive right tell me more what do you mean by that help me to understand all right just because they say you're not doing it right i don't like what you said i don't like your rules your guidance right okay tell me why stand in that you got to stand in that power the next one is blame versus empowerment there's an incredible incredible uh phd her name is brene brown and some of you may know her work i'm really just obsessed with what she says what she does but she says that blame is a result of two emotions wanna guess what they are shame and guilt a plus all right yeah our own shame and our own guilt topic for another day but i like to take blame and try to use use it right turn it become empowered by your emotion right i don't want to feel guilt okay what do you want to feel you can change it to regret you can do something about that right to confidence you could change it control versus allow i like to say stop controlling start allowing right you don't have to figure it all out it's too much let go okay let go allow things to flow right when you resist the natural flow it's harder when you try to push something that doesn't fit it's harder stop pull back create the space allow things to unfold i think what you're going to see is you gain perspective right when you zoom out from something you can see it more broadly the next one is justify versus acknowledge dr david lieberman talks about justification denial justifying denying and what's the last one hold on he says that whenever we are experiencing fear we tend to either justify deny justify deny or it will come to me in a moment but there's fear under here avoid when we justify deny or avoid there's an underlying fear ask yourself what is it okay acknowledge it justifying it away pushing it away we're never pushing anything away we embrace it we become conscious of it we got to use it as information as fuel like a rocket ship right that sends you in a new direction and the last one is power versus force i said this the other day in one of my talks you're gaining power right i like to say everybody should keep their own power everybody should have 100 full battery right when you give it away to somebody right you put it in their hands you're gaining power you're gaining a little bit more control you're gaining tools if you use those tools against somebody it's manipulation if you use those tools the power that you've gained to empower others that's the definition of humility right everybody wins everybody's going in the same pace in the same direction i'll finish with a few more statements here it's fun as a baltimore you get to learn and then you get to to really put this stuff into play i would say one of my favorite expressions that i've learned over the last year or so is gamsulatova where's the good in this it's hard to see it right it's very hard to see it it takes a shift in perspective to be able to see the good in this this weekend showed us where the good in this is the connection the community the camaraderie right the fun i had some fun a lot of fun when you shift your perspective you're able to think about things differently rather than thinking why is this being done to me you begin to think why is this being done for me right it's an opportunity for growth our own growth i mean that's what we're here for isn't it if we're not growing what's the point of going through all this hardship why is this being done for me it's uplifting it's empowering you can do something with that the second one is focus on what you do have rather than what you don't have right this is called gratitude you know what emotion gratitude invokes joy who said it extra credit yeah joy you know how joy makes you feel yeah good confident strong empowered i'd rather deal with hardship this way rather than this i just don't have my kid and my family i'm not taking it away from you it's hard it's very difficult but when you can be grateful to hashem and the things that you have the resources the community the networks the teachings the love it lifts you up and that is a better starting point i think you would agree i'd like to say embrace the change things are changing no matter what if you resist change you're just gonna get pushed around okay you gotta go with the flow okay sometimes easier said than done and you gotta meet yourself where you are at any given time like to say there are no problems my problem is this but the problem is that my opportunity for growth is okay take it use what you're seeing out there your perspective as a reflection of how you can go inwards and think about okay how can i be better how can i show up differently right how can i make a difference i know this is so difficult but i'm asking you to find joy find it seek it out search it okay joy we've given ourselves as parents to our kids and then they run off however that is and we forget who we are this is an incredible opportunity to reinvent yourself you know malka 2.0 right who do you want to be now that you've been given the space to create do it use it become who you want to be show up differently for yourself and i promise you everybody around you will notice very quickly right i started my talk with this a couple of days ago and i want to end here i think this is hard for me to say because i understand the child's perspective if you heard me speak the other day we're all in so much pain your trauma is triggering my trauma is triggering your trauma again back and forth you know this is not about you it's about your children it's hard to set your pain aside your suffering aside the agony the grief the heartache it's hard really really really really hard but this is not about your pain it's not about your suffering it's not about your emotional trauma it is about them and their pain and i'm asking you to show compassion to sit with them in that pain without trying to what fix it for them you don't need to fix it you have to be a stable rock the lighthouse they're going to drift into the darkness the rough waters but if you're standing there shining your light brightly they will always find their way back and they will they really really will i believe it deeply the plan is bigger than us it really is i think that each and every one of you is so strong thank you so much for sharing your stories with me letting me in letting me be a part of this you've touched my life thank you [Applause]