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Kesher Nafshi 4 Seeing our Children through their perspective
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Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
This Torah class is brought to you by
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Okay, first I would like to introduce
myself for a few seconds.
Um
to tell you the my qualification for
this for this topic for this particular
conversation.
Um, as I said before, as I told you, I
worked for I worked with teens for many,
many years, probably 15, 16 years till
about seven, eight years ago. I had my
own organization was called Earl Sharm.
We had many different programs in Muny,
a drop-in center. We had um referral
system to help these boys find jobs.
And slowly but surely, it became more
one-on-one type of a situation. And I
realized it's just just not going to
work in the masses, you know, bring all
together because it's so individualized.
It's so different. One person than the
other, one kid than the other. They all
need a different. So I realized it's
more like a one-on-one type of
situation. At the moment, currently I am
once a week in in the yeshiva of Barry
Weber, the singer Barry Weber. He has a
yeshiva for for boys that are in the
probably stage two. I wouldn't say stage
four, stage two or stage three of
struggling, the way we call it. And
I'm one-on-one with these boys. I'm
there weekly and I get to hear their
perspective. And this is the
conversation today is understanding how
do they see it. We see things top down.
We see our children. They see us. Try to
remember when we were little kids how we
saw our parents.
They see it through their perspective.
We see it through our perspective. Our
perspective is the future, the big
picture. A teenager or teen at risk, a t
a kip does not think about the future.
We're trying to teach them don't do
this, it's going to affect. They don't
see. They see now. Why do they see now?
Because they are desperate. When someone
is in pain, when someone is was in
Awitz, they didn't think about tomorrow.
They were thinking, I need food now.
Once they had food, they were thinking
about shelter. If they didn't have food,
they didn't think about shelter even.
They were just thinking about food. If
they didn't have food, they were just
thinking about water. So there the
pyramid, the hierarchy of of what we
need to have in life. So when if someone
is emotionally struggling, they are not
able to see at the big picture because
they are so stuck in their current
situation.
They cannot see beyond. So from their
perspective, they see now instant
pleasure. I need now survival. I want to
feel good. Now
we the parents looking down, not looking
down at them, looking from our
perspective as a parent to a child, we
want to see the big picture. We see it's
not good for it's not good for your
future. And they're stuck in their p in
in the now. Just on Friday, I I had a
little time after my I went out. I was
driving around with my wife. I grew up
in the cat here every summer. And I grew
up in Woodburn. There's a country called
the Golden Hills. That was like it was
mama's golden. It was my golden years. I
loved it. When we were kids from my five
probably to my Bitsu, my parents went
every summer to Golden Hills right off
near Tristar. So I told my wife, I want
to go in there. I wasn't there since I
was a child. I was walking in the
Bungalow County. And I was looking I
said, "This house used to be huge. It's
so tiny." And then I remember here was
the pay phone. There was only payoneses.
Actually, my mother had one of the pay
phones on our porch. And when someone
called, we had a mic and we said, "Miss
sister turn, you have telephone." And
she had to come, you know.
But the sh was tiny. It used to be such
a big sh. And as I was walking in, I was
remembering everything. I was reliving
the golden the golden hills, golden
years.
And I realized that a child's
perspective, things are so different
than our perspective. I remember
vaguely, but I think there's some kind
of museum. I'm not sure if it's in the
city, New York City, maybe London,
somewhere where there's a museum where
everything is huge. They have tables
that are this size, and they want us
adults to walk in there and to see how
children see the world. Imagine walking
in here between the chairs. We see the
chairs this way. So when it comes to
life,
everyday decisions about life, we have
to remember that they have a very
different perspective.
They see it from a now perspective and
we see it from a later perspective. So
what's the goal? The goal is to
understand their perspective
and through that
get them slowly but surely to start
seeing your perspective.
So we have to start the engine. We have
to be there for them.
We have to listen to them and understand
what do they see? What's their story?
He's living. They're all living in their
own world and their own friends quote
unquote friends. We know where their
friends are tomorrow. They're not
friends with fights and close. It's it's
but they're friends. They're living off.
They're friends now. Now is now is their
whole life.
And once we listen to them, we
understand them, we're here, we are
we're we're connecting to them. Then
slowly, which we're going to say soon
how to do that is try to throw in
different my perspective, which means
your future
get into the future. Get into future
thinking mode rather than just the
living in the now.
I think that one of the greatest things
that I
that I could give you a nugget is ask
questions. I sit with these boys mainly
with boys. I I work with girls also but
mainly with boys.
They have such tannis on their parents
such
arguments and such you know what you
know what I'm going to use the word
conspiracies. I think that teenagers in
general their brain we need to
understand teenagers um again I I need
to make a preface I'm talking about
general
we're talking everybody's different
stages from 13 to 22 25 different ages
different stages so it's a very general
conversation obviously it's not you know
then they have the active teenagers and
then you have the depressive teenagers
the one that sit in the basement on
Facebook morning to night I'm
oldfashioned Facebook Tik Tok morning to
night and that's what they're doing like
constantly and that It's so those those
are the depressive they they dissociate
they don't work they're not proactive
and then you have the the proactive
teenagers that they have so much energy.
So obviously also needs different
approaches different ages different
stages different types. So it's a very
general conversation obviously that
we're having today. So, one of the
things that works that that usually
works is listening to them because I
talk to them to these kids one- on- one
and they tell me a story and then I
speak to their parents. It's such a
different It's like two different
masses. It It's the same car accident
and some of us standing at this corner
of the intersection and this one's at
the other side and they don't both are
seeing a total different story.
It's very hard sometimes to listen to
them because it's so, you know, it's
very hard to listen to their perspective
because they're
they're they're so confused
what in pain and my that's why they're
confused and they see it in such a
different way. I say that most teenagers
and and and the risky ones, the ones
that are OTD, the way we call them, are
politicians in their brain and the
conspiracy theorists in their brain
and there's a whole they connect dots.
So yesterday when I came home, you
didn't tell me good night and then this
morning I could tell and this boy is
telling me a whole mindset and the
mother has oblivion. She has no idea
what. So I stood I waited up for him a
few hours extra. I couldn't wait for him
to come home. I prepared him supper his
favorite. The whole family and I made
him fleshing and he comes home and he
sees one point and one dot another dot.
You know you know what we do with the
little kids in school make a few dots
and follow it to trace it and then you
see a picture of an animal and then you
have people that are able to to create a
picture out of much less dots. A
teenager can see one dot here, one dot
here. They see a sun and a moon. They
see they see everything. They connect
the two dots and they have a whole mass
conspiracy theorists.
It's it's part of the development of
general development of teenagers and
even more so with teenagers that are in
pain. They to them it's a whole
political mind.
So
being curious,
you know, there's a there's a there's a
line be curious not judgmental.
If someone other, not only our child,
someone does something, we right away
judge like how dare they do that. Don't
be judgmental. Be curious. Go ask them.
Ask listen why I'm wondering why would
you do that? Many times they'll answer
you say ah
naturally we right away judge. Don't
judge. We don't know anything. you know
in
you know meaning like as if you don't
know is is is one of the greatest foods
to get people to talk
like if you don't know like I'm
wondering you know I would love to
understand why so instead of telling you
don't you know you have to come home at
by 12:00 I I I can't sleep me and mommy
can't sleep or we're we're nervous until
you come into the house no you know
promise you mom give me 12 they'll walk
into 1:30 you don't know if the police
are going to call you that there
speeding or they had a car accident in
your head. You're thinking already uh
millions of of course thoughts.
Everything crosses your mind. Who knows
where they are? What you thinking?
Conspiracy. Our own conspiracy
theorists.
The world today is full of conspiracy
theorists. It's a assumptions. We're
living in a world of assumptions. We
assume and we predict and we sh
hopefully we could uh filter information
a little better. So if we do that, how
much more so the teenagers do it?
If a child sees something in their
conspiracy mind, in their political
mind, they have a whole story and you
say, "Tell me what what why did you
think that what happened last night or
or when I came home and I said this,
when I did that,
we'll be you'll be very surprised. Many
times they they have many times they
have something and say, "Oh, I didn't
realize that when I do." So
as a side note, it's many many teenagers
forget even if the how to read facial
expressions. Very interesting thing.
It's we have a huge therapist here, Rab
Yaku Solomon. I'm sure hopefully you
could it's me that you're here. But if
he could vouch for that, I think that
teenagers, even if they had it, even if
they were socially savvy, they were they
knew social cues and everything as kids,
many teenagers lose it for some reason.
Makugi, even the the boys, the the
mainstream, he didn't they didn't
doesn't like me. Like what is it based
on? Because he didn't extra smile. He
didn't show their muscles. They didn't
move around the the facial expressions
the way you would want them to do. So
must be ah so he doesn't has you know
they have a whole interesting so by
asking questions by saying you say last
night you were angry at me how many
times do we hear from our market you're
angry you were you didn't accept me and
we tell them a million times I love you
I accept you were amazing and and they
say they read your facial interesting I
I I've seen it so many times they told
me
and then I she's like I said just be
more elaborate you're on stage you're
acting in a show Just it's as a side
note many many it's not all of the kids
but many of them need this extra I love
you know like say it with a whole heart
I you know like show with the hands
whatever your whole mannerism should
show your your expression not just like
robotic they it it does help
[Music]
I sure I'm a teen mentor and I actually
use dogs therapy with them okay you
learn very very much if you tell a dog a
good
So nothing but if you use your body.
Thank you. That's when you get the uh
Thank you. You see that? Yeah. So that's
that's it's the same with the boys, but
it's it's more obvious. You can see that
their ears like and their tail start
starting to wag based upon your your
expression. Interesting. Someone a horse
trainer, you know, there's a lot of
horse training therapy told me that the
he said they they feel you. Horses are
able to feel. I guess dogs need the
whole expression. So all kinds of
viralation
between their feelings,
right? Oh, okay. That's exactly it.
Okay. So, which brings me like this. I
think that because these the teens have
or the these children have their own
perception of reality,
they we need to get through to them,
right? So one of the ways is to if we
understand what's happening in the brain
is the conspiracy and the political
mind. I call it the
a spinner like you make a dralle you
make a spinner and it starts and it's
already in there. So how do you stop it?
How do you get them to one minute listen
listen I want to explain to you
something never worked you say tell me
why why do you why why are you saying
this you have a much bigger chance
rather than saying stop you know listen
to me a second you know I want to talk
to you know even when the wife tells the
husband I want to talk to you we need to
talk
right we need to talk like ah I I have
to go to now I'm going to so our
children for shortly you want to say
something an observation but I remember
learning like not to ask a
on why attached to
ask how how okay okay yeah I hear it's
uh it's it's really more saying I want
to understand your perspective so again
our kids one of the greatest
conspiracies they have in their brain is
that we are selfish we are doing
everything because again they see the
now they don't see the future we see
their future we're not on the same page
we want them to do actions that are
going to improve their future and they
want to do actions that are doing now.
So we're not on the same page. So they
are have a conspiracy that we are
selfish. The reason why you're telling
me this, you want for your cover, you
want for the family name. You're doing
this only because you know so they need
they need to understand that we mean we
worry for them much more than we worry
for ourselves obviously otherwise we
wouldn't have them in our house.
They're only giving us troubles. It's
not we're not we're not gaining. It's we
want to help them but they don't see it
that way. So, how do we explain this to
them? How do we tell them that you are
more important to me? And I want to tell
you something just for a sec. How many
times did I hear probably in the last 15
years uh boys and girls tell me that my
Yiddish kite is more important to my
parents than my own life? I had a boy
that he works in construction company
and with a chain with a circle saw he
cut into his hand and he needed a couple
of surgeries. He said the first his
father came in to the hospital and he
was after surgery hand very he was very
graphic when he was telling me the
story. I guess he needed my my sympathy,
apathy and whatever. And I gave it to
him obviously and he says the first time
in my life I felt my father likes me. I
realized that he was wow he was crying
with me when I when he saw when he came
without and they they realized the whole
he said I needed to to to to hurt
myself. He didn't do but that I should
feel that my father likes me because he
was only busy with my yiddish kit. I was
only telling me this and that this color
t-shirt and the p I have to tell you the
whole you know it was still
when our children believe us that our
our own ego are covered yiddishes kite
everything is in the side I'm worrying
about you first that's when we have the
biggest chance we know that that's when
they have the greatest chance. Yeah.
You know, and he was very upset with me
that I cried. Not because he was spoken
very well. I'm from a little bit more to
me. But then it was sh
because the most
comes to you when you're like you think
your kid is in special camp and that's
how do they even get that but then I
didn't know how to react like because it
was hurting me the most that I was
childless right but to make up for it
next time he does it on Tuesday cryosa
you know what I'm saying it's it's
that's really what they need to know and
the emphasis is that this is rais
mentors that everybody gave us okay you
know we need to worry about their
gashmies, their life, their emotional
system, their physical system and then
about their spiritual system. it it goes
in order you know there's no men there's
no there's no so obviously we need to
understand we need to believe that and
then naturally our reaction to them is
going to come through that way there is
no you know it doesn't work that way and
I always tell parents that you know my
son you know they they they realized a
problem the lish they took off and they
they stopped with yishkite I said
yiddish kite is the last thing that they
drop
and yedish kite and lavves is going to
be the last thing they're going to put
back on. By the time you realize that
your child is struggling and you only
realize it when he took off his record
or when she put when she started wearing
miniskirts or whatever she the girl the
boy whatever they're doing crazy things
risky things
that's too late that's already after
they're broken and they're hurt and
everything else. Not to blame us.
Obviously, we're not meant to be a
psychologist, all of us to realize, but
I'm just saying that this is this is the
last thing that came off was the Yiddish
Kai. The last thing that's going to come
back is the Yiddish kite. They know what
what to know what Yiddish kite. They
know about Yiddish life. They know. We
don't need to tell them. They went to
this Yakovs. They went to Toyas. They
know everything. We don't need to preach
to them Yiddish at all. This is not what
they need to hear from us. If someone is
not wholesome and stable, they're not
able to get and and the is like that.
from all the mitzvah someone that's not
only is from the mitzvah
the says that's if someone is is ill
he's part of and even the person that's
attending them and helping them is also
put
now at the moment we need to make
means the emotional system yeah not just
going along with your conspiracy theory
like that not my conspiracy
they always say we're out to get you're
always supposed to show them that you
love them. So, this situation I have
right now, I just found out from
somebody who watched my daughter's
Instagram that she's going over 100
miles an hour on on this through it.
Okay. So, now I gave her the car. I
didn't really want to give her the car,
but I gave it to her because I wanted
her to know that I'm on her team. But
now I know from her postings that she
was going 100 miles an hour and that now
it's not a safe thing. But what am I
supposed to do? How do you go between
safety, giving them showing them? Do you
have something you could do? Sorry. Is
there anything you could do to stop her?
No. The car.
She'll get another car. So, why should I
give her my car before she get
What should I do? What should I say? Ask
her a question. Is it possible you were
going over 100 miles an hour and then I
don't want her to shut down her? No. I
I'm curious to know. A good question.
I'm curious to know
why you were speeding down the road. Do
you think it's okay? Do you think it's
it's just the the speed limits are just
there for? They haven't established yet
that she's speeding to her door. She
can't she can't go into that because I
wasn't right. No, she's I'm assuming
that she is because she's asking me that
means that she does have to Yeah. She
establish that she's being someone else.
Oh, okay. Fine. That that's obviously
that that's ones
and tells me what's going on, right?
I Okay. So, we we could talk about more
oneonone after the the sh but I think
that in general it would be as I said
before we have to try to ask them
questions and say tell me is that okay?
Do you think it's okay? Do you think the
whole all the speed limits in the
streets are are are there just to get
us? The police are looking to make
tickets you know they want to make
money. Is it just I'm curious you know
be be curious. Isn't that the now? Like
that's what she wants. Exactly. She
wants the now. And we are trying to get
them to think about a little bigger than
the now. Think about tomorrow. So you
can't get them to think about 10 years
from now. You could have a logical
conversation with them. What's going to
be 5 years from now? How do you see
yourself? Very nice. It's not going to
work. It doesn't go in. It's not
happening. We're trying to stop their
spin of their brain. So we constantly
ask questions. And the other way to get
in, you know, I don't have that much
time to talk. Unfortunately, they gave
me only 45 minutes. I have to go. But
the the next thing is to stop their
spinning drrele to the whole thing is to
say I apologize.
We men know we we know one minute. We
know that when you come home and and the
wife is ranting and raving about
something rightfully so we say I'm
sorry. If you don't say I'm sorry I'm
married for a couple I know I'm sorry.
What does I'm sorry do? I'm sorry says
you have the full right to feel that
way.
It's valid your feelings. Everything is
valid and I apologize.
I what you just complaining about is not
true and it's not that's later once we
get out of this emotional
uh spinner. We could talk logical but
the only way to stop an emotional
excitement is to say one of the ways is
I'm sorry. So we need to say I'm sorry.
I apologize. What do you think you are?
They have the whole conspiracy and you
know that you're right. you know that
she's totally off. She's the whole
argument, everything that she's saying
is and you try to rationalize them,
they're just going to continue. I want I
want to share with you a very quick
thing that happened a couple of years
ago. There was a a young man, a person
in my neighborhood that was
he was he had a court case against the
neighbor. A whole there was a story
against him that he that he had the shik
with the kids over there that he was a
molester. It was a very terrible
situation and he had a court case
against him. They were about to put him
into prison for 10 years
and he kept us in the his lawyers kept
telling him plead guilty. You know in
America you just plead guilty and
everything. Plead guilty. You'll have 10
years probation but you're not going to
but you have a very big chance that
you're going to be in prison for 10
years for this. He said I never did it.
I'm not going to plead guilty. And all
the ascum
not that they believed him or not but
they were telling him just plead guilty.
You have come no chance guy with a big
beard and all the the juries over there
all alter go ladies and you have no
chance of of getting out of this case so
just plead guilty everybody tried to
work with him nothing worked one morning
I was diving in and big asks came over
to me said you know about this case I
didn't even know that much I heard
something he said how about you call him
up today is this court case tell him to
plead guilty
you know his family they're so in pain
if he's going to end up in fail. I said,
"Well, okay, I'll try." I said, "I'll
tell him. Hashem, help me." I call him
up. He knows who I am. I call him up.
Yeah. Yeah. You also going to tell me.
He starts screaming at me. I said, "No,
I'm just calling to tell you that I
understand you. Whatever direction
you're going, you should just know that
I support you. I am here for you."
He says, "Wow, the first person." So,
he's saying that I'm right. I'm not I'm
not choosing anything. But if you decide
to go to jail for 10 years and not to
plead guilty for something that you did
not do, I support you. You have the full
right
100%.
Within a few minutes, he started arguing
with me why he should plead guilty.
He pleaded guilty and saved his life. I
was a not, but Hashm gave me this at the
moment.
What was it? Because as long as he
didn't feel that he's understood, there
was nobody on the other side of his
brain, you know, we need back and forth
the conversations. There was nobody on
the other side listening to that part
regardless if it's irrational.
Our kids are very irrational. Do I need
to say that? So, how do we stop that?
Curiosity, asking questions,
and apologizing. I'm sorry. feel free
but 100% I I really apologize for you
for for for what I did yesterday that I
you know and then you're going to find
them saying no mommy it was my fault
did it ever happen by mistake a
conversation like that let's do it on a
daily basis you're right mommy 100% I I
I come on so this is this is another way
of getting them to to think and then I
think there's explaining
we think we assume this is how we assume
that a kid at this age should know. So
when I say you cannot come home after
12:00, we assume they know why.
But they can't know why because they're
in their perspective and they're in
their selfish dollar. They cannot see
your perspective that my mother's
father's not going to go to sleep until
I come home. I'm using as an example
everything obviously it's on everything
else. So, we need to explain the reason
why I want ABC is because EFG every
single time. Explain. Make it a habit.
Even to your husbands, by the way, you
just just say it. The reason I need you
to be home on time is because it's easy
for me to put the kids to bed when you
come. Say why. For some reason, we
become very stingy when it comes to det.
It's the only thing that's so free
and to criticize. It's so easy, right,
to say words. But for some reason when
it comes to this we become so stingy.
We're like explain
you know how many times in the toy I'm
not going to go through in the toy how
many times the told and you see again
the same par so tell
say as the following do this that the
whole mishkan again and again we learn
from we have to explain and even more so
for these kind of kids you know like
when they're when they are listening
this I want to tell you why I think for
you you know ABC just explain I think
that's that's Uh
that's a very a very important thing.
And never say I told you so.
They live in such a guilt.
And the more careless they look like
with a big shoulder walking around like
that, these kids are even more guilty
and more self-conscious. They are so
self-conscious
and they hate when we point it out to
them.
How many times our kids want to do
something like come on you you know we
see the future again they see now and we
tell them if you're going to do this
you're going to end up and you're going
to end up and then yeah uh okay and it
happened yeah right I told you so you're
never gaining from saying I told you so
it's it's a big avoidance sometimes on
our behalf to not to say I told you so
why not
why not why can't we say I told you so
we're not allowed to hurt them. I'll
tell you why we can't say that. Told you
so. Because they're in the spinner,
right? You remember the spinner? They're
in that emotional and they are
so hurt. They have the whole conspiracy
on themselves.
And when a person gets too pain, too
pained, they become numb.
Let them deal with their own row
emotion. Let them go to sleep knowing
I messed up again. I didn't listen to my
mama yesterday and I I did it. You know,
they deal with it on their own. they're
able to reflect and say, you know what,
I should attack it. Maybe, you know, we
have we have a chance for them to look
back and say, maybe I didn't do the
right thing. But if we give it to them
again and say, ah, tell you yesterday,
one of you think it then they're not
going to reflect. It's not going to work
anymore. They're not going to
self-reflect and say because now they're
already angry at you. So the whole story
went aside, they're just focusing that
you that you were fighting them, that
you were they're in a fight with you now
again.
Then I think connecting to the kids
through a hava we through the whole
shabas our whole life we all know that
we have to constantly try to love them
and connect to them through a hava. I
was thinking a interesting approach
which I just seeing it through the
perspective of the of the kids.
I was on a group. I'm on a group of you
know on on WhatsApp with different uh
groups and one of the boys said once and
I was you know he's a he's a keep and he
said ah my parents are trying now to to
love me now they're going to they're
going to make me Jewish by loving me you
know so that alone you know it's so they
first of all he feels that his parents
only cares about his Yiddish guy not
about him but oh they're going to you
know they teach him how to love me. So
from their perspective, how do we how do
we really
build love very quickly?
I think that it's well let's go to the
to for a minute. The says
that we have to love Hashem. So the
obvious question is how could you love
someone something he she whatever it is
if you never seen it, taste it, felt it.
How do you love something? It's called
the word God, Hashem. How how does that
work? And how can you force me to love
someone? How does that work? How does
that right? So the guru talks about back
and forth. So what do we know? Okay, is
have is giving. If you give, you do for
Hashem, you get back. Fine. That's one
one one idea.
I think to keep love and to build love
is through appreciation. Hakuras tova.
We could be married for many many years.
If you forget to be Makatoi, your spouse
in your head every single day,
the love could diminish slowly. You want
to constantly have a burning ahava to
each other is constantly thinking and
appreciating. Just like the first moment
when you met when you met each other,
you open up your drawer and you see the
socks in the drawer. It's folded. You
think to yourself, if your wife is
sleep, if she's up, tell her. But if
she's sleeping, you say, "Wow, my wife
is amazing. She was standing washing the
laundry, going back, putting it into the
dryer and then folding it. Wow, amazing.
I love her. Thank you. Wow, thank you so
much, Mrs. And the same thing is the the
other way around. Thank your husbands
and you bring it verbally is the best.
But constantly appreciating and thanking
makes you love them. So
we appreciate we are we constantly focus
on all the good that Hashem gives us.
We start loving him.
Loving love is a name of a feeling that
develops
when you care for someone or when you
feel cared for. It's a name of a
feeling.
If we thank our children,
we are going to have a very easy time
loving them.
Sounds funny. I want to thank you for
your existence. I want to thank you. No,
we only tell them when they come home
late. Again, this is only my example. I
want to thank you for coming home early
today. It it means so much to me. You
are going to love them even more and
they're going to start loving you and
they're going to startem reflecting and
they're going to start thanking you. And
when they're going to start thanking
you, that's the moment when they're
going to start getting back to feelings
towards you.
It's interesting to point out that
there's a you know, we know the instinct
is that we love our children. Children
don't love the parents naturally.
There's no mitzvah.
Doesn't say
you have to be them. You have to honor
them. You have to worry for them for
their food, their shelter, whatever
said.
Naturally, we love our children much
more than we love our parents.
We don't need our children to love us in
a way that like the way we love them. We
need them to know that we care for them
and we need them to appreciate what we
do for them. We want them to appreciate
what we do for them. And that kind of
love that we could build. It's a very
different type of love.
And that is
probably one of the strongest things
that we could do to get over and to look
all the uh hardships that they give us
or the betrayals and the that they do us
in our face after everything we do for
them. They're still going to, you know,
hurt us and and and and belittle us
whatever you know we all know it's it's
if we start thanking them they're going
to start building a
thank you so much for putting on this
dress thank millions of things and it's
not only about thank them about their
own existence thank them about their
emotion for what they do obviously
believe in them and everything else but
now talk about thanking being that
you're amazing you know yesterday I
watched you took care of the little baby
your little sibling you're so cute. You
the way you took care of it. It's
amazing. You I just want to thank you
for being a great older sister. I want
to thank you for taking responsibility
for your younger siblings. There's so
much to thank in these kids, you know,
even while they're doing all the other
stuff. Again, as I said yesterday, we
could always separate.
And then the next mad is
which is very hard to do, but I'm sure
most of us have experienced that is we
need to let them vent on us.
One of the greatest things is when I
talk to these kids, I see that they have
so much pain against their parents. If
they would just know what their parents
are doing for them, but again from their
perspective, they have so much tal so
much pain and if they cannot tell it to
you in your face, they can't connect to
you. I want to say
short one. The bad was one the live it
was once Friday
night he you know for the didn't come
out and you know and then suddenly come
out comes out of his room and he runs up
to the crying red face mish and he opens
up the and he starts crying
I am ding to you on behalf of the whole
cahila on all the Eden in this town we
want to ask you for forgiveness I want
to apologize we talked lashh har we did
this we did that but hashem
What did you do? You made all the You
made all the almunas. You made all the
OTDs.
You'll be and we'll be
he closed in. She goes to D
after Ding. You can imagine there's a
huge lineup and they're asking the Reb
explain to us come we need to when this
guy food he says I saw in Shamim we're
able to see what's going on in Sham.
says, "I saw in Sham there's a huge
gazer on the town and I had no way of
breaking it and I was thinking how in
the world I'm going to make to break
this gazer to make sure that everybody
has a good year." I realized that Hashem
wants us to relate to him the same way
we relate to others. When you're newly
married, you can't tell your spouse
everything. You can't complain to them.
But when you have a good relationship,
you say, you know, I want to tell you
I'm upset about this and this that you
did yesterday. Please explain to me why
you did this, why that. Closeness means
if we're able to tell someone my tana on
you, my I have a complaint on you. I'm
upset. That's real closeness.
So the was telling them that Hashem
wants us, we cannot say Hashem, you
don't know what you're doing. You cannot
say that not that's why the story is not
be to be told to 5-year-olds.
But he was teaching us that say Hashem,
I don't understand why I'm so in pain.
Why did you do this to me? That's
closeness. Our kids have taughus on us.
Again, from their perspective, they're
right. We need to let them open our
take of our layers and tell us, "Tati,
mommy, yes, you did, but I am very
upset. I'm very angry." They're not
going to filter it. They're going to say
the way it is, the way they feel. And
they're going to say, "I'm very angry at
you." And you say, "You're so right.
Wow." Just listen. Feel them. Don't get
logical. Listen, let them have all
tannis in the world on you. And I'm
telling you, I wish the certain boys
that I work with, the parents are just
not the parents that come to these
shaboos and they're not parents that I
could I wish if they I would if I would
just have five minutes with them. I
would tell them just let your child tell
you everything against you. When I was a
third grader, you didn't pick me up from
school and I was waiting and I felt
abandoned.
The kid could go to therapy from now to
tomorrow.
I'm going to help. Amazing. You know
what's going to help them the most? If
says, "Wow, I'm going into your head as
a six-year-old waiting outside school
and you didn't pick me up. How I would
feel. I would feel abandoned. Who knows
what? And I just heard a story about
kidnapping. Someone is going to kidnap
me." And there's a whole abandonment
feeling this kid. And the mother says,
"I am so father, mother, I'm so sorry
that this is what you're experiencing.
I'm telling you, we could fast forward
months and months of their
turbulent journey that they need to go
through. So, we need to let them vent.
And you know what this happens usually?
By the way, it's not by appointment.
When you're driving them somewhere,
they're sitting in the car and they're
facing that way. You're facing that way.
I know a lot of shalom people do that,
you know, they have heavy conversation.
They're in the car because they can't
look at each other. So, we have to Okay,
it's also good. At least something. But
it's always the by the way in the middle
of making the fish for shabas. That's
your child is going to walk and slam
doors and you hear door slamming hair
side.
Yeah. You know like and you're like oh
my gosh you all your feelings start
coming up like what did I do now? what's
happened and mommy every time you
sometimes you have to think if you're
able to we're not mal we're humans but
if we can you say you know what this is
that by the way moment that my kid wants
to vent something wants to tell me a
time yeah just let the fish burn it's
okay sit down and say tell me what
happened what what last night when he
came home and this and that you told me
that I'm a druggie I'm not a drugy I
never did it it's only once or six times
and seven times and that the other time
I'm I'm off drugs already for months
okay last week I had you say wow you're
so right How dare I say that? I really
apologize. I'm human. I really just like
I you know those by the way moments
always is a good idea but for these kids
is is an amazing thing. I think that
that's a
listening to
to them
not when it's planned and letting them
say it unfiltered. I say even a marriage
also when when you come home and your
wife feels that there's a she she has a
lot of heavy emotions on her. There's
something she wants to vent
uh a real strong man someone that has
muscle, right? Real emotional muscles
being able to be emotionally blamed.
It's your fault. And every time you do
this, what did they say? Every time. And
yes, they you always do it.
Now the moment she feels that every
single time you did it and you're
thinking to yourself, "Wait a minute,
your logical brain. Yesterday we had
such a good time. How could it be?" Now
our teen or whoever it is, whoever is an
emotional spin at the moment, the other
should not be logical. Say, "Okay, the
person feels that way." Our kids are
exactly the same. They need to tell us
unfiltered. If it comes out unfiltered,
it's easier. They get much quicker rid
of it. If they have to watch how they're
saying it to you, it's not really giving
it out. So just let them say it. See,
teenagers have so much energy. Yeah. Oh,
that's what you want to ask him.
Teenagers have so much energy and they
want to they want to give it out that
way.
I want to share with you a story. I
shared it on Friday. So whoever was here
that was here for Friday, I don't think
there's anybody here for Friday. I don't
think Oh, you were there. So you're
gonna hear the story again. But this
story has to be online. Has to be told.
One of the bakim I'm I'm going to give
you a gift. Hashem gave me this gift a
few weeks ago. I'm going to give this
gift to you. I'm giving a shir in in B
is yeshiva. I'm talking to the bakim and
I'm that and one of the boys said Rabbi
I I I like your watch. Can I see it? You
know over there there's a lot of uh a
lot of ADD kids. So I need to be very
flexible because I'm we talk about one
subject and then they switch about
politics and suddenly bring it back. My
goal is by the end of the conversation I
should have put into them what I want to
gain you know whatever. So you know you
can't have the ad like Jacobson once
said ADHD is attention deficit. Hey
donuts.
So so it's that kind of a conversation.
So for me being ADD and dealing with
them but the kid says so he says it
wants to see my watch. So I take it off.
I give it to him and I'm continuing my
speech and I hear him telling to the
other boy sitting near him and he says,
"I love it." I shag. He puts it on.
After the sheer talks to me again about
I said you want it, you could have it. I
had it already a year three $400 watch
but I had it ready for a year. I have a
lot of one of my mish okay fine.
After without
and after he says can you drive me back
to the dormatory alone I want to talk to
you. I said sure take him into my car.
on the way. He says, "You know what it
means to me that you gave me that
watch?" I said, "Tell me, tell me, tell
me what's what's mine this." He says,
"You know, I'm from Williamsburg. My
father, I'm just going to say doesn't
come here. His father kicked him out of
the house because he has a ch, you know,
he's
I don't blame anybody, but for some
reason, not every parent could deal with
it." He kicked him out of the house. He
said, "My father threw me out of the
house. I was in the streets till one guy
this and this person that I happen to
know who it is from from Barak met me
and he said
there's a man bears yeshiva I'm going to
get you in and he knows buried this and
back he got me into this yeshiva I'm
here in the yeshiva for a couple of
weeks already I said I know you're
talking to he says
I am so heartbroken because I don't have
a penny to my name my jeans and my
t-shirts are torn and two days ago he's
telling me I ran out of cigarettes He
said, "This is, forget about it. He's
out of nicotine. Nicotine. I can't take
it." So, one morning tells me a few days
ago, I walked out of the yeshiva and I
started crying my head off in the street
in the backyard of the yeshiva and I
started talking to Hashem and I said,
"Hashem, you're my father. You care for
me. I have nothing." And he's walking in
the back of our cemetery, a Yiddish
cemetery on sad river. He says, "I come
to the Kim." You're not going to believe
what he told me. I come over there and I
see the kurum and I see you the shik
over there and I threw myself onto the
kyver and I said I don't know who you
are but I know that you're dead you
cannot do any more mitzvah. I'm no if
you could by heart I'm going to say to
your you ask hashem that I should have
cigarettes money and clothing.
He says this to him he walks away. He
said less than a half a minute walking
away from the kyver I get a phone call
this young man that put me into the
yeshiva calls me up and he says bib
bestie
I'm here in Mont by the yeshiva you're
not here I just came to visit you says
oh I'm in the backyard where are you
hooked his horn comes to the front he
wipes over his stairs oh sister and he's
talking to him and he says you know one
minute you smoke right this morning
someone threw into my car a big carton
of cigarettes I don't smoke you need it
said sure was his favorite cigarettes
was I think it was parliament's mental
it was a mental I can't remember which
one in the car since dissing a man's
brother younger brother which I also
know who he is and he says one minute I
just did a business deal today client
and I said I'm going to give $100 master
a buck you're allowed to give master
right hey you have $100 this is a
minuteit walking away from the ka he
gets a phone call from his aunt living
in his father's sister living in Pomona
and she calls him up she she's is more
modern. She calls them up. She says,
"I I was just went shopping online and
at the end at checkout it said 50% off.
So I ordered everything double. You're
the same size like my moi. I I ordered
your jeans, shirts, and Alice Deelba
size. I was about to pay anyway.
Need I say more? The next day I gave him
two days later I gave him the watch.
I was my wife said I was to get the
story because I gave away something.
So true.
People always ask why all the speakers
have do they make it up? No. And I say
the opposite, right? Hashem gives us all
these stories because he knows we have
the mic.
I'm telling you the tumas, you know,
people want to know which caver it is,
but
I'm not saying because I want to make
money off it. I'm going to I'm standing
up in the middle of work.
I'm not a shamim. But the timus
and the mskite of this kid,
the tumas, if you look at him, he has
this huge chop cas jeans, a red t-shirt.
So confused soul. It's sad. I have I got
I got very close to him. But if I would
have I I you know was talking to to the
other staff members who were discussing
this boy and I said nah his father's
just going to don't even talk to him
because he's angry at yeshiva that we
took in his son. So if that's the case I
hope one day I'll be able to sit down
and tell this father a story this story
without saying it's a son and say by the
way this is your kid.
If this father would ever listen to this
boy and realize that he's stuck
struggling with his addiction to
cigarettes, many other things. But this
kid is more
evidently so than all his other kids
with the vas.
This kid is so connected. So
he said, "Hashem health."
Wow. What a mr huskell for This was I
this was on a Thursday.
I came home and I told my kids
my my son-in-law was that we're
discussing this mass. It was
our children
are so sensitive, so real, so authentic.
according to their calculations they're
doing crazy things stupid things risky
things because their calculation does
that to them but if the the moment they
get out of this spin they become a
little older all of them they grow up
it's not about age it's about stage
you know our system goes by age
very big problem it should go by stage
some about age but by stage a kid of my
15-year-old kid should know already No,
she doesn't know yet. She'll know when
she's 18. She'll know when she's 29.
It took till 40.
So,
there's no wherever you're ready. I
always say we're living on this world 90
years for a reason. Hashem doesn't
expect us to be at sadic today. It's we
come every cry for we we ask Hashem for
that. We do the same resolutions we did
last year and they're like, "Come on,
I'm playing games now. Last year I
promised Hashem I'm not. This year I'm
going to, you know, and again and
again." And guess what? Hashem knows it
takes many, many years.
It takes time. Some kids it takes more.
There's late bloomers.
You know, now it's the spring season. We
start seeing different trees are giving
out. And some trees, they look like
they're still dry. And a few weeks from
now, they're going to give out the most
beautiful colorful flowers. But we need
to have them in the whole garden that we
have all kinds. So in the beginning of
the season, you have flowers and then
they die off and then the next season,
the next. So throughout the whole
summer, right, a good landscaper,
someone that knows how to Hashem has a
huge landscape and he has alam Eden and
he has a lot of us that need to bloom a
little later.
If the boys would be they're in my head,
if the boys would be here and talk to
you now, you know what they would say?
I know very well every single thing that
I am doing.
Every risky thing, every crazy thing. I
am guilty. I am hurt. I know everything.
I don't need you to tell me.
Please
make it easy for me that I should trust
you
that you're here for me, not for your
image, not for Hashem, and not for
Yiddish, and not for this, and not for
that. Just that's the only thing I need
from you.
Through love, through care, through
listening,
through explaining,
give me time. That's what they're
asking.
I had a a boy, he's 22, still
struggling.
He he went mama a recent story. He told
his mother and his father. He called him
into the room one night and he said, "I
want to talk to you." The parents told
me the story in my office.
Tatia and mommy, I want to tell you
something. You guys are going to be
shocked.
They sit down and he was standing. He
was raving.
I know how much you made up, how much
you suffered for me.
I know how much when I was 10 years old,
when I was kicked out, I spit my
principal in the face and I lied to you
and I know you didn't believe me and I
know that he was telling them every
single story.
I want to thank you for bearing with me.
They got such a mat and such a gift that
most of us are not to get yet.
Such a matuna. They were mish
and said, "I still need time." He said
he's already his spinner is already a
little he's a little his conspiracies
are going down a little bit more
realistic more reality more grounded. He
was able to say he said I am so sorry
for everything I did to you.
The father was overtaken. The mother
told me
I felt so bad. Why do they still need
time? I I I I felt so bad for her. in
English.
Why does she need more time?
Why does he need He said, "Thank you so
much and I apologize for everything till
now. I know it this I did this to you
and that to you and this time and the
other time and that story and the other,
but I didn't realize I was talking
English and I just want to apologize but
I still need a little bit of time."
The father understood at that moment,
not always. And the mother said, "Why
does why do you still need time?" And I
understand her also.
I don't know if she's right, but I
understand her. I understand where it's
coming from.
In the Torah, it says,
Hashem says, "I love you."
When did it when was it said? after we
did the igl after we did every a it's
not contingent it's not depending our is
not pending on our behavior a lot of our
teachers in told us that it is so and
they're liars it's
hashem is very angry at you now hashem
hates you it's
hashem knows he created our yahar and he
knows very well we know very well when
he creates something he creates it
perfect he created Yates is doing it.
He's doing his job. The bashto said, "My
greatest reb is the Yates. I learned
from him never to give up. All kinds of
tricks and move on. Consistency.
Everything I learn from the Yates is
very consistent.
The bash of once said
why Talmed asked him I think it was the
asked him why is Msiah not here at the
end of the day with so many gulas and so
much like like why what what are we
still missing what are we still missing
asked Hashem that ask
said because
we say in English because we do we are
not putting in enough kavana in The
of we say in the morning's morning say
we are not. So a lot of the said is
asking is for the same
saying that we need more. So the other
said no there's enough in the world.
There was so much to throughout the
generations. He didn't mean what says
inside the fill of a he says
immense love.
That's why we were doing because we were
scared of the stick. If not you're going
to go to ganam. We were learning in
school because
we're doing mitz because we don't want
to go to gan wanted to.
So the bashant said no now the time is
the last few hundred years and even more
so now in our times.
is the main avoid that we need to have.
We need to connect to Hashem
out of love, not out of fear.
It says
and you we're going to we're going to
end off the bottom line is going to be
with your name. That means we say
we're just talking about
so the say
at the end the at the end the end of the
letter the end of the whole world before
is going to come
is
means
that whole bundle
was all about love acceptance
kindness
that was his mid and that's the way
we're going to end. So maybe maybe
Hashem is giving us the sadikim
such a workout so much exercise on this
exact this mid because this is going to
bring Msiah. This is what we have to
actually exercise
and work out every single day in the
gym, the emotional gym, the logical gym,
psychological gym of working of really
becoming
is for no reason. I love you not because
you deserve only if you deserve just by
being alive.
And you tell your child, you look them
in the face, you say to ask him the same
thing Hashem tells us. We say, we look
our child in the eye and we say, I love
you. There's nothing in the world you
could do to take away my love.
You could embarrass me in public.
The leap shaft is it's it doesn't depend
on anything. It's unconditional love.
They don't believe it because they don't
have to us that natural unconditional
love.
We don't naturally love our parents that
much as we love other kids. We love our
parents because they care for us. It
developed a came because they care for
us. They love us. So we love them back.
We feel cared for. So we love them as I
said before.
But our love to them is totally
unconditional. Not only on condition,
even when he hurt me, even when he
despised me, even when he embarrassed me
in public,
I've seen it. I've been to a pizza store
at Shabas a couple of weeks ago. Was a
young I didn't know I don't know who
they are, but this girl, she looks like
she's mama's, you know, busting out of
her shell, young girl. How she was
belitting her mother in front of the
whole store. We all want everybody that
was so wanted to sink ourselves a bisha
mom. She wanted we it would be a hole of
a mouth. We would hide how bad we felt
for this mother. She didn't say a word.
Such cast, such pain, such anger. Many
of us experienced it.
And if we make our kids feel guilty for
what they did, they cannot reflect
anymore on what they did. As we said
before,
they could reflect and they're going to
reflect. They're not going to tell you
that at night they're not sleeping and
they feel bad. But if we tell them you
know what you just did, we don't need to
tell them. They know.
They know what they do.
But if we tell them now they start the
spinner goes on and they getting angry
at us. So now it's about me and my
mother. You shouldn't have said it this
way. So now the whole argument is
because you answered me this word. You
should have said a different word. So
the whole argument is diverted. It's not
it's not they're not not focused anymore
what actually happened. It happens in
some of the arguments, right? If you
throw the you're going to be whatever
you're going to answer is going to be
wrong.
Nothing. Just don't say nothing. They
know. And Metashem going to end off with
this that Metashem
is going to come a day when all of you
all of us including myself have the same
situation. There are kids is going to
come and tell us
I apologize to you. I want to listen to
you.
I'm curious to know how you had the
kayak to deal with me till now.
They're going to stop our spinner and
they're going to say, "Wow, thank you so
much for trusting in me, believing in me
after all of this
how long it's going to take.
If it is going to happen,
but the only way to get there maybe
together is only this mahal. We have to
end and finish with
endless love, endless acceptance and
understanding.
And uh that's probably the only way
that's going to going to go. Anybody
wants to ask a question?
Should I continue? Should I end?
Huh? Okay. I should continue. You wanted
to ask something. You're okay. Yeah, I'm
okay. I just I don't This is the first
time I'm speaking. They're not stopping
me now. So yesterday, two days ago, I
had to stop in the middle. I could go.
Yeah. You have a daughter that 14 years
old, a little mish in the ghetto. She
goes out with the minister. As much as
you love her, but my wife has such pain
and Yeah. How do you express
the love? She says, "I love her, but my
heart is broken." A very good question.
And I'm going to give you an answer
that's even better if that's okay that I
said it that way. Okay. His question,
you heard his question. His question was
that he lives in a ghetto meaning say in
a very clump clumpsy you know and in a
building with hundreds of people right
neighborhood a man right okay and his
daughter walks out with a miniskirt and
it's such pain for his wife he's blaming
his wife for you also pain for your wife
more I'm kidding it's so painful for
them to see the child going how is it
possible to love her while she's doing
all this I want to tell you a concept
that I
If I make
it's the pain to express love when the
pain is there in the face. She can't
smile because the the so we all
understand. Do we all understand them?
Yeah. Everybody understand? We're all
with you. But not but yet. Yeah.
What is it? I can be. Oh. So you're
saying that it's he was elaborating on
what what point is actually hurting him
when his daughter is doing it. You say
yeah. You want to add? Sure.
Every single day. It doesn't hurt me
that she walks up. I don't care.
Wow. I think that's
Yeah, it's a it's a it's a different
discussion, but but that's Yeah, that's
very painful. So there's nothing I can
do except move except telling your
daughter that that that that that you
believe in her regardless what the
neighbors are saying. You believe in her
regardless what the neighbors are
saying. I believe in you regardless what
the neighbors are perceiving you. That's
their perception. My perception. Okay.
But I want to get back to his thing
because I think that's something she
said she doesn't care. I'm sure she
does. Okay. The question should be in in
where everybody could gain. So we're
going to try to or else if it's a
one-on-one. So that's the type of
question that all of us have. So that's
why I want to answer it. spinner is
going on when she sees this happen. Oh,
okay. Fine. So, I want to answer the the
thing I think with the concept that as
follows. I think that again I I do a lot
of marriage counseling. So, my head goes
that way. In marriage, there could be a
great relationship. Allah is besid. And
then for some reason, your spouse in
front of your family said something by
the Shabas meal and it hurt you. You got
turned off. And after the meal, you come
home, you say, you know, you said that
it really hurt me. You feel turned off a
few days. And the other spouse feels
like why do I have to drop the whole
love the whole leap shop the whole
excitement the whole has to become numb
now because I did something wrong what
happens I think we need to go back as
children childhood
most of us I don't know my age and above
I don't know the younger ones but we
were when we were punished we felt not
liked by our parents at least a lot of
people feel that way got out of the room
you just did that in the old days it was
a patch now it's going to the room I
want to whatever it is they feel
not loved and then when they do
something great wow you made a test he
came over 85 and 90 wow mai it's such a
the mother comes in he say you saw his
test you saw his bina amazing so there's
a love and there's disconnect and
disconnect a child is never allowed to
feel that the love went away just
because they did something wrong so why
do we do it even my little kids he hit
his younger brother and I said
very strict yak
you need to go into your room now for 5
minutes because explain I love
explaining because you hit they don't
know because you hit mati
I love you so much I can't wait for you
to come out after the 5 minutes but oh
now I need to but five more minutes now
but
but you're going to be in the room for
five minutes when you come out I can't
wait for you to come out from there what
I'm teaching my child what is it now
we're going to be yeah exactly
We're teaching my child, you can have
two feelings at the same time.
I could be upset at you and still love
you.
Sometimes in marriage, it's already
late. It's never too late, but you have
to work on it. I love my spouse. Our
relationship is amazing, but I'm upset
and hurt. Very hurt because of ABC. So,
we need to tell ourselves that until it
becomes second nature. really naturally
we could do it.
So if we are able to live that way to
have the dual feeling at the same
certain feelings can't be at the same
time
but certain feelings could be together
at the same time. You could you could be
anxious and excited right the day before
you're both you're nervous and you're
happy you're excited the body reaction
is the same for nervous and excited.
Yeah, you have both. I could be upset at
my spouse, my child. I'm very hurt what
she's doing to me that she's walking
around with a miniskirt in front of the
in front of my neighbors in the Gabisha.
Where does it take away the love?
Any other question?
Two more minutes. One more minutes.
Yeah.
personic.
You have to talk a drop louder.
Yeah. Just an idea I was thinking about
was that you go to a mechanic know,
right?
And then sometime later passing say get
the car checked right and then have them
check it and say, "Wow, you know, you're
missing this piece or it's coming
loose." And good thing, you know, good
them through too fast.
Right. Good. Very good.
Yeah. Question. I'm trying to figure out
how to work. Um, so
when our children tell us one thing and
actually going through something else,
I feel it's because they don't trust
that we're going to accept and really
love them. So, they're hiding from us.
How do we um work on ourselves to give
them that reassurance that there's
nothing you can do that will make me
stop loving? I think for a mammon for
yiddisha womanisha
mama
sake is think about hashem and you
say think about hashem and you your
relationship.
Oh the question is how can we work on
ourselves to get to that level of our
child to make our to get our child to
understand that we love them and accept
them even though they're doing things
that hurt us. No, they say that they're
doing X, Y, and Z, but then you find out
that it's A, B, and C. They tend to do
that. We know that. They tend to do
that. We know that. This is it, right?
We're all in the same room. All that's a
general question, right? That's a
general question. Very good. But I think
that if we focus on our relationship
with Hashem, do are we perfect? Maybe
you're I'm not perfect. So
I I never think that Hashem doesn't love
me. I used to I worked it out. My
childhood rabbi didn't make me believe
that. I I grew older. I realized what
read is and I'm at a place where I know
that Abdul is I fell through. I did
something. I spoke whatever it is.
Hashem loves me before while and after.
I have to work. I have to get out of it.
So if Hashem is that way, meaning to say
there is such a concept and I need to be
the same way. I want Hashem to be
tolerant for for me. I I have to be
tolerant for my child. This again said
Hashem is your shadow. Whatever we do in
this world, Hashem imitates us, right?
Hashem does the same thing that we do.
If you judge other people, Hashem is
going to judge you. If you're forgiving,
Hashem forgives you.
You know, if we start thinking of it
that way, you say, you know what, I I
also not perfect. I want Hashem to
forgive me. I want Hashem not to judge
me. I'm not judging you if that works
for you. Everybody works something else.
But I think that could help if if you're
that I don't I could feel connected to
Hashem and that he loves me and it
doesn't transfer over to building the
trust so that my child believes in me
that I'm not going to judge.
Yeah, but but you're you're you're
saying two different things in one
question. You're saying about building
trust and then your feeling towards your
child. Isn't the two separate questions?
But so I'm that's what I'm trying to
figure out. Is it that the child? So I
didn't do the right thing right we teach
in in Asia we answers a question with a
question.
I should have asked the question what
I remember when I was a teenager I used
to listen to Shir once he said Rabak I
hope you're okay I'm doing this and I
was there in a and I remember he said
someone came over and asked him why do
we d three times a day right you're
about to answer him of the the kabunas
and I said one minute one time a day you
do understand is your question why we no
why do we d right yeah remember many
years ago I was talking about 23 years
ago 23 3 24 at least when I was 18. It's
funny that it's still sticking in my
head and we have to ask answer question
the question. So your question is I hope
you're okay doing this right. Is it is
it that they don't trust us and our
nonjudgment of them? No, they're in the
spinner. Stop making so much. You're
making too muchness. You're being very
logical there. She's not so logical. Why
you wasting so much energy? 28. It
doesn't m again. It's not age. stage. No
numbers.
She's in that stage. She's not logical.
Why? Why? Why? You're trying to You're
trying to make out of it with your logic
to understand your child's spinner,
right? It's there is spinning now. You
continue doing your part. The outcome is
going to happen when it's supposed to
happen. And my part is just to just do
you know when you go to a car mechanic
and you want to fix your car and he's
working on your car for an hour, two
hours, and then he comes, I'm sorry, I
can't fix it. Do you pay him?
You don't pay him. You fixed it, you got
paid. You don't pay. But with Hashem, it
doesn't work that way. It's the
opposite. Hashem pays us according to
the amount of work we do, not our
accomplishments.
Hashem pays us
a there's many different on this that
Hashem pays us according to our
Hashem doesn't look this guy has an
amazing child. Wow, a die in the roof.
He gets much your your child is 28 and
didn't didn't get anywhere yet. It
doesn't go that way. the opposite.
According to the
according to the and the pain and the he
put into this kid, you know what? Hashem
judges so different. He pays us for the
work, not for the results.
We're not looking for results. This is
an extra thing that I threw in at the
end that hopefully metal see. But that's
not what we're working for.
So, I'm just getting a little on this
part with explaining them reason. Let's
say you tell them you want them home at
a certain time because a certain reason
they'll find they sometimes I feel like
less is more sometimes of course you
have to know when to explain after you
ask questions and you're curious and
they tell you you know why do you need
to come home late what happens do you
understand what it's doing to me do you
like start questions and then if they
only if they're ready to listen you
could explain obviously you're not going
to explain before they're ready to
listen I'm saying when you get to that
moments those few windows And do you
mean younger children because I feel
like once you start this approach of
explaining then the kids expect okay
there's a difference between explaining
is
in English and and and
huh no there's a difference between
explaining and defending yourself right
you know you don't have to defend
yourself and explain you know like like
you're hearing your child is there no
you're still hearing your child is here
but It's it's you're allowed to explain
you never for yourself. Never, you know,
go into no explaining. I want to expl
you know just throw in you don't have to
say like I want to make a whole
explanation.
Be home on time. It's easier for me. I'm
worried for you. That means explaining
nothing more than that. Just they don't
really care, right? True that. True
that. True that. continue saying it. We
know
right we say
you should take him
on your heart. So this ask why does it
say why in your heart? What do you mean
on your heart? Because we constantly
work on ourselves and
but without always our heart is not
always open. So you shouldn't do it
continue but one day your heart is going
to open up. Everything is going to fall
in. Every single statement that we told
our kids, it comes in. It come it seeps
in the moment the heart is going to
open. Every explanation you did, it's
all going to happen. You know, we should
really bring for Shabas. I was telling
telling Avi, we should bring maybe on a
mat shabas on a Sunday morning. All the
keep kids that where Hashem crawled out
of it, they should come here and they
should be standing here. I'll be sitting
there together with you and they should
tell us. I think that would be the most
effective and they're gonna tell you
it's how much you know I had a boy from
Toronto that uh my wife's from Toronto
so she knows some whatever they send
their child to live by me not now a
couple of years ago many years ago this
boy was a real kid still had this pious
but you know I gave him Frankfurt to eat
at night and he da went to the fridge
and drinking milk you know like I didn't
say a word he wanted me to say he went
he went down down down everything he
went through the Oh, father used to call
me once a week for mama, you know,
drugs, all everything. He's now
he always tells me
every single thing you told me then when
I was 15 years old in your house, I
still remember.
He
could try to get him to call him and
many many hundreds, you know, we should
know that there is a there's a certain
percentage
They should come and tell you how much
every single time you explained
something, you invested something, they
remember. So the explanation is to them
to understand that you lost to give you
a window
to put a pause button on that spin for a
few seconds and then you let go.
Continue spinning. Okay. You're not
going to look at it while you're worried
about yourself and that's why you want
me. No, that for sure not. No, I'm
worried for you. All right, everybody.
See this.