Kesher Nafshi 4 Seeing our Children through their perspective

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. Okay, first I would like to introduce myself for a few seconds. Um to tell you the my qualification for this for this topic for this particular conversation. Um, as I said before, as I told you, I worked for I worked with teens for many, many years, probably 15, 16 years till about seven, eight years ago. I had my own organization was called Earl Sharm. We had many different programs in Muny, a drop-in center. We had um referral system to help these boys find jobs. And slowly but surely, it became more one-on-one type of a situation. And I realized it's just just not going to work in the masses, you know, bring all together because it's so individualized. It's so different. One person than the other, one kid than the other. They all need a different. So I realized it's more like a one-on-one type of situation. At the moment, currently I am once a week in in the yeshiva of Barry Weber, the singer Barry Weber. He has a yeshiva for for boys that are in the probably stage two. I wouldn't say stage four, stage two or stage three of struggling, the way we call it. And I'm one-on-one with these boys. I'm there weekly and I get to hear their perspective. And this is the conversation today is understanding how do they see it. We see things top down. We see our children. They see us. Try to remember when we were little kids how we saw our parents. They see it through their perspective. We see it through our perspective. Our perspective is the future, the big picture. A teenager or teen at risk, a t a kip does not think about the future. We're trying to teach them don't do this, it's going to affect. They don't see. They see now. Why do they see now? Because they are desperate. When someone is in pain, when someone is was in Awitz, they didn't think about tomorrow. They were thinking, I need food now. Once they had food, they were thinking about shelter. If they didn't have food, they didn't think about shelter even. They were just thinking about food. If they didn't have food, they were just thinking about water. So there the pyramid, the hierarchy of of what we need to have in life. So when if someone is emotionally struggling, they are not able to see at the big picture because they are so stuck in their current situation. They cannot see beyond. So from their perspective, they see now instant pleasure. I need now survival. I want to feel good. Now we the parents looking down, not looking down at them, looking from our perspective as a parent to a child, we want to see the big picture. We see it's not good for it's not good for your future. And they're stuck in their p in in the now. Just on Friday, I I had a little time after my I went out. I was driving around with my wife. I grew up in the cat here every summer. And I grew up in Woodburn. There's a country called the Golden Hills. That was like it was mama's golden. It was my golden years. I loved it. When we were kids from my five probably to my Bitsu, my parents went every summer to Golden Hills right off near Tristar. So I told my wife, I want to go in there. I wasn't there since I was a child. I was walking in the Bungalow County. And I was looking I said, "This house used to be huge. It's so tiny." And then I remember here was the pay phone. There was only payoneses. Actually, my mother had one of the pay phones on our porch. And when someone called, we had a mic and we said, "Miss sister turn, you have telephone." And she had to come, you know. But the sh was tiny. It used to be such a big sh. And as I was walking in, I was remembering everything. I was reliving the golden the golden hills, golden years. And I realized that a child's perspective, things are so different than our perspective. I remember vaguely, but I think there's some kind of museum. I'm not sure if it's in the city, New York City, maybe London, somewhere where there's a museum where everything is huge. They have tables that are this size, and they want us adults to walk in there and to see how children see the world. Imagine walking in here between the chairs. We see the chairs this way. So when it comes to life, everyday decisions about life, we have to remember that they have a very different perspective. They see it from a now perspective and we see it from a later perspective. So what's the goal? The goal is to understand their perspective and through that get them slowly but surely to start seeing your perspective. So we have to start the engine. We have to be there for them. We have to listen to them and understand what do they see? What's their story? He's living. They're all living in their own world and their own friends quote unquote friends. We know where their friends are tomorrow. They're not friends with fights and close. It's it's but they're friends. They're living off. They're friends now. Now is now is their whole life. And once we listen to them, we understand them, we're here, we are we're we're connecting to them. Then slowly, which we're going to say soon how to do that is try to throw in different my perspective, which means your future get into the future. Get into future thinking mode rather than just the living in the now. I think that one of the greatest things that I that I could give you a nugget is ask questions. I sit with these boys mainly with boys. I I work with girls also but mainly with boys. They have such tannis on their parents such arguments and such you know what you know what I'm going to use the word conspiracies. I think that teenagers in general their brain we need to understand teenagers um again I I need to make a preface I'm talking about general we're talking everybody's different stages from 13 to 22 25 different ages different stages so it's a very general conversation obviously it's not you know then they have the active teenagers and then you have the depressive teenagers the one that sit in the basement on Facebook morning to night I'm oldfashioned Facebook Tik Tok morning to night and that's what they're doing like constantly and that It's so those those are the depressive they they dissociate they don't work they're not proactive and then you have the the proactive teenagers that they have so much energy. So obviously also needs different approaches different ages different stages different types. So it's a very general conversation obviously that we're having today. So, one of the things that works that that usually works is listening to them because I talk to them to these kids one- on- one and they tell me a story and then I speak to their parents. It's such a different It's like two different masses. It It's the same car accident and some of us standing at this corner of the intersection and this one's at the other side and they don't both are seeing a total different story. It's very hard sometimes to listen to them because it's so, you know, it's very hard to listen to their perspective because they're they're they're so confused what in pain and my that's why they're confused and they see it in such a different way. I say that most teenagers and and and the risky ones, the ones that are OTD, the way we call them, are politicians in their brain and the conspiracy theorists in their brain and there's a whole they connect dots. So yesterday when I came home, you didn't tell me good night and then this morning I could tell and this boy is telling me a whole mindset and the mother has oblivion. She has no idea what. So I stood I waited up for him a few hours extra. I couldn't wait for him to come home. I prepared him supper his favorite. The whole family and I made him fleshing and he comes home and he sees one point and one dot another dot. You know you know what we do with the little kids in school make a few dots and follow it to trace it and then you see a picture of an animal and then you have people that are able to to create a picture out of much less dots. A teenager can see one dot here, one dot here. They see a sun and a moon. They see they see everything. They connect the two dots and they have a whole mass conspiracy theorists. It's it's part of the development of general development of teenagers and even more so with teenagers that are in pain. They to them it's a whole political mind. So being curious, you know, there's a there's a there's a line be curious not judgmental. If someone other, not only our child, someone does something, we right away judge like how dare they do that. Don't be judgmental. Be curious. Go ask them. Ask listen why I'm wondering why would you do that? Many times they'll answer you say ah naturally we right away judge. Don't judge. We don't know anything. you know in you know meaning like as if you don't know is is is one of the greatest foods to get people to talk like if you don't know like I'm wondering you know I would love to understand why so instead of telling you don't you know you have to come home at by 12:00 I I I can't sleep me and mommy can't sleep or we're we're nervous until you come into the house no you know promise you mom give me 12 they'll walk into 1:30 you don't know if the police are going to call you that there speeding or they had a car accident in your head. You're thinking already uh millions of of course thoughts. Everything crosses your mind. Who knows where they are? What you thinking? Conspiracy. Our own conspiracy theorists. The world today is full of conspiracy theorists. It's a assumptions. We're living in a world of assumptions. We assume and we predict and we sh hopefully we could uh filter information a little better. So if we do that, how much more so the teenagers do it? If a child sees something in their conspiracy mind, in their political mind, they have a whole story and you say, "Tell me what what why did you think that what happened last night or or when I came home and I said this, when I did that, we'll be you'll be very surprised. Many times they they have many times they have something and say, "Oh, I didn't realize that when I do." So as a side note, it's many many teenagers forget even if the how to read facial expressions. Very interesting thing. It's we have a huge therapist here, Rab Yaku Solomon. I'm sure hopefully you could it's me that you're here. But if he could vouch for that, I think that teenagers, even if they had it, even if they were socially savvy, they were they knew social cues and everything as kids, many teenagers lose it for some reason. Makugi, even the the boys, the the mainstream, he didn't they didn't doesn't like me. Like what is it based on? Because he didn't extra smile. He didn't show their muscles. They didn't move around the the facial expressions the way you would want them to do. So must be ah so he doesn't has you know they have a whole interesting so by asking questions by saying you say last night you were angry at me how many times do we hear from our market you're angry you were you didn't accept me and we tell them a million times I love you I accept you were amazing and and they say they read your facial interesting I I I've seen it so many times they told me and then I she's like I said just be more elaborate you're on stage you're acting in a show Just it's as a side note many many it's not all of the kids but many of them need this extra I love you know like say it with a whole heart I you know like show with the hands whatever your whole mannerism should show your your expression not just like robotic they it it does help [Music] I sure I'm a teen mentor and I actually use dogs therapy with them okay you learn very very much if you tell a dog a good So nothing but if you use your body. Thank you. That's when you get the uh Thank you. You see that? Yeah. So that's that's it's the same with the boys, but it's it's more obvious. You can see that their ears like and their tail start starting to wag based upon your your expression. Interesting. Someone a horse trainer, you know, there's a lot of horse training therapy told me that the he said they they feel you. Horses are able to feel. I guess dogs need the whole expression. So all kinds of viralation between their feelings, right? Oh, okay. That's exactly it. Okay. So, which brings me like this. I think that because these the teens have or the these children have their own perception of reality, they we need to get through to them, right? So one of the ways is to if we understand what's happening in the brain is the conspiracy and the political mind. I call it the a spinner like you make a dralle you make a spinner and it starts and it's already in there. So how do you stop it? How do you get them to one minute listen listen I want to explain to you something never worked you say tell me why why do you why why are you saying this you have a much bigger chance rather than saying stop you know listen to me a second you know I want to talk to you know even when the wife tells the husband I want to talk to you we need to talk right we need to talk like ah I I have to go to now I'm going to so our children for shortly you want to say something an observation but I remember learning like not to ask a on why attached to ask how how okay okay yeah I hear it's uh it's it's really more saying I want to understand your perspective so again our kids one of the greatest conspiracies they have in their brain is that we are selfish we are doing everything because again they see the now they don't see the future we see their future we're not on the same page we want them to do actions that are going to improve their future and they want to do actions that are doing now. So we're not on the same page. So they are have a conspiracy that we are selfish. The reason why you're telling me this, you want for your cover, you want for the family name. You're doing this only because you know so they need they need to understand that we mean we worry for them much more than we worry for ourselves obviously otherwise we wouldn't have them in our house. They're only giving us troubles. It's not we're not we're not gaining. It's we want to help them but they don't see it that way. So, how do we explain this to them? How do we tell them that you are more important to me? And I want to tell you something just for a sec. How many times did I hear probably in the last 15 years uh boys and girls tell me that my Yiddish kite is more important to my parents than my own life? I had a boy that he works in construction company and with a chain with a circle saw he cut into his hand and he needed a couple of surgeries. He said the first his father came in to the hospital and he was after surgery hand very he was very graphic when he was telling me the story. I guess he needed my my sympathy, apathy and whatever. And I gave it to him obviously and he says the first time in my life I felt my father likes me. I realized that he was wow he was crying with me when I when he saw when he came without and they they realized the whole he said I needed to to to to hurt myself. He didn't do but that I should feel that my father likes me because he was only busy with my yiddish kit. I was only telling me this and that this color t-shirt and the p I have to tell you the whole you know it was still when our children believe us that our our own ego are covered yiddishes kite everything is in the side I'm worrying about you first that's when we have the biggest chance we know that that's when they have the greatest chance. Yeah. You know, and he was very upset with me that I cried. Not because he was spoken very well. I'm from a little bit more to me. But then it was sh because the most comes to you when you're like you think your kid is in special camp and that's how do they even get that but then I didn't know how to react like because it was hurting me the most that I was childless right but to make up for it next time he does it on Tuesday cryosa you know what I'm saying it's it's that's really what they need to know and the emphasis is that this is rais mentors that everybody gave us okay you know we need to worry about their gashmies, their life, their emotional system, their physical system and then about their spiritual system. it it goes in order you know there's no men there's no there's no so obviously we need to understand we need to believe that and then naturally our reaction to them is going to come through that way there is no you know it doesn't work that way and I always tell parents that you know my son you know they they they realized a problem the lish they took off and they they stopped with yishkite I said yiddish kite is the last thing that they drop and yedish kite and lavves is going to be the last thing they're going to put back on. By the time you realize that your child is struggling and you only realize it when he took off his record or when she put when she started wearing miniskirts or whatever she the girl the boy whatever they're doing crazy things risky things that's too late that's already after they're broken and they're hurt and everything else. Not to blame us. Obviously, we're not meant to be a psychologist, all of us to realize, but I'm just saying that this is this is the last thing that came off was the Yiddish Kai. The last thing that's going to come back is the Yiddish kite. They know what what to know what Yiddish kite. They know about Yiddish life. They know. We don't need to tell them. They went to this Yakovs. They went to Toyas. They know everything. We don't need to preach to them Yiddish at all. This is not what they need to hear from us. If someone is not wholesome and stable, they're not able to get and and the is like that. from all the mitzvah someone that's not only is from the mitzvah the says that's if someone is is ill he's part of and even the person that's attending them and helping them is also put now at the moment we need to make means the emotional system yeah not just going along with your conspiracy theory like that not my conspiracy they always say we're out to get you're always supposed to show them that you love them. So, this situation I have right now, I just found out from somebody who watched my daughter's Instagram that she's going over 100 miles an hour on on this through it. Okay. So, now I gave her the car. I didn't really want to give her the car, but I gave it to her because I wanted her to know that I'm on her team. But now I know from her postings that she was going 100 miles an hour and that now it's not a safe thing. But what am I supposed to do? How do you go between safety, giving them showing them? Do you have something you could do? Sorry. Is there anything you could do to stop her? No. The car. She'll get another car. So, why should I give her my car before she get What should I do? What should I say? Ask her a question. Is it possible you were going over 100 miles an hour and then I don't want her to shut down her? No. I I'm curious to know. A good question. I'm curious to know why you were speeding down the road. Do you think it's okay? Do you think it's it's just the the speed limits are just there for? They haven't established yet that she's speeding to her door. She can't she can't go into that because I wasn't right. No, she's I'm assuming that she is because she's asking me that means that she does have to Yeah. She establish that she's being someone else. Oh, okay. Fine. That that's obviously that that's ones and tells me what's going on, right? I Okay. So, we we could talk about more oneonone after the the sh but I think that in general it would be as I said before we have to try to ask them questions and say tell me is that okay? Do you think it's okay? Do you think the whole all the speed limits in the streets are are are there just to get us? The police are looking to make tickets you know they want to make money. Is it just I'm curious you know be be curious. Isn't that the now? Like that's what she wants. Exactly. She wants the now. And we are trying to get them to think about a little bigger than the now. Think about tomorrow. So you can't get them to think about 10 years from now. You could have a logical conversation with them. What's going to be 5 years from now? How do you see yourself? Very nice. It's not going to work. It doesn't go in. It's not happening. We're trying to stop their spin of their brain. So we constantly ask questions. And the other way to get in, you know, I don't have that much time to talk. Unfortunately, they gave me only 45 minutes. I have to go. But the the next thing is to stop their spinning drrele to the whole thing is to say I apologize. We men know we we know one minute. We know that when you come home and and the wife is ranting and raving about something rightfully so we say I'm sorry. If you don't say I'm sorry I'm married for a couple I know I'm sorry. What does I'm sorry do? I'm sorry says you have the full right to feel that way. It's valid your feelings. Everything is valid and I apologize. I what you just complaining about is not true and it's not that's later once we get out of this emotional uh spinner. We could talk logical but the only way to stop an emotional excitement is to say one of the ways is I'm sorry. So we need to say I'm sorry. I apologize. What do you think you are? They have the whole conspiracy and you know that you're right. you know that she's totally off. She's the whole argument, everything that she's saying is and you try to rationalize them, they're just going to continue. I want I want to share with you a very quick thing that happened a couple of years ago. There was a a young man, a person in my neighborhood that was he was he had a court case against the neighbor. A whole there was a story against him that he that he had the shik with the kids over there that he was a molester. It was a very terrible situation and he had a court case against him. They were about to put him into prison for 10 years and he kept us in the his lawyers kept telling him plead guilty. You know in America you just plead guilty and everything. Plead guilty. You'll have 10 years probation but you're not going to but you have a very big chance that you're going to be in prison for 10 years for this. He said I never did it. I'm not going to plead guilty. And all the ascum not that they believed him or not but they were telling him just plead guilty. You have come no chance guy with a big beard and all the the juries over there all alter go ladies and you have no chance of of getting out of this case so just plead guilty everybody tried to work with him nothing worked one morning I was diving in and big asks came over to me said you know about this case I didn't even know that much I heard something he said how about you call him up today is this court case tell him to plead guilty you know his family they're so in pain if he's going to end up in fail. I said, "Well, okay, I'll try." I said, "I'll tell him. Hashem, help me." I call him up. He knows who I am. I call him up. Yeah. Yeah. You also going to tell me. He starts screaming at me. I said, "No, I'm just calling to tell you that I understand you. Whatever direction you're going, you should just know that I support you. I am here for you." He says, "Wow, the first person." So, he's saying that I'm right. I'm not I'm not choosing anything. But if you decide to go to jail for 10 years and not to plead guilty for something that you did not do, I support you. You have the full right 100%. Within a few minutes, he started arguing with me why he should plead guilty. He pleaded guilty and saved his life. I was a not, but Hashm gave me this at the moment. What was it? Because as long as he didn't feel that he's understood, there was nobody on the other side of his brain, you know, we need back and forth the conversations. There was nobody on the other side listening to that part regardless if it's irrational. Our kids are very irrational. Do I need to say that? So, how do we stop that? Curiosity, asking questions, and apologizing. I'm sorry. feel free but 100% I I really apologize for you for for for what I did yesterday that I you know and then you're going to find them saying no mommy it was my fault did it ever happen by mistake a conversation like that let's do it on a daily basis you're right mommy 100% I I I come on so this is this is another way of getting them to to think and then I think there's explaining we think we assume this is how we assume that a kid at this age should know. So when I say you cannot come home after 12:00, we assume they know why. But they can't know why because they're in their perspective and they're in their selfish dollar. They cannot see your perspective that my mother's father's not going to go to sleep until I come home. I'm using as an example everything obviously it's on everything else. So, we need to explain the reason why I want ABC is because EFG every single time. Explain. Make it a habit. Even to your husbands, by the way, you just just say it. The reason I need you to be home on time is because it's easy for me to put the kids to bed when you come. Say why. For some reason, we become very stingy when it comes to det. It's the only thing that's so free and to criticize. It's so easy, right, to say words. But for some reason when it comes to this we become so stingy. We're like explain you know how many times in the toy I'm not going to go through in the toy how many times the told and you see again the same par so tell say as the following do this that the whole mishkan again and again we learn from we have to explain and even more so for these kind of kids you know like when they're when they are listening this I want to tell you why I think for you you know ABC just explain I think that's that's Uh that's a very a very important thing. And never say I told you so. They live in such a guilt. And the more careless they look like with a big shoulder walking around like that, these kids are even more guilty and more self-conscious. They are so self-conscious and they hate when we point it out to them. How many times our kids want to do something like come on you you know we see the future again they see now and we tell them if you're going to do this you're going to end up and you're going to end up and then yeah uh okay and it happened yeah right I told you so you're never gaining from saying I told you so it's it's a big avoidance sometimes on our behalf to not to say I told you so why not why not why can't we say I told you so we're not allowed to hurt them. I'll tell you why we can't say that. Told you so. Because they're in the spinner, right? You remember the spinner? They're in that emotional and they are so hurt. They have the whole conspiracy on themselves. And when a person gets too pain, too pained, they become numb. Let them deal with their own row emotion. Let them go to sleep knowing I messed up again. I didn't listen to my mama yesterday and I I did it. You know, they deal with it on their own. they're able to reflect and say, you know what, I should attack it. Maybe, you know, we have we have a chance for them to look back and say, maybe I didn't do the right thing. But if we give it to them again and say, ah, tell you yesterday, one of you think it then they're not going to reflect. It's not going to work anymore. They're not going to self-reflect and say because now they're already angry at you. So the whole story went aside, they're just focusing that you that you were fighting them, that you were they're in a fight with you now again. Then I think connecting to the kids through a hava we through the whole shabas our whole life we all know that we have to constantly try to love them and connect to them through a hava. I was thinking a interesting approach which I just seeing it through the perspective of the of the kids. I was on a group. I'm on a group of you know on on WhatsApp with different uh groups and one of the boys said once and I was you know he's a he's a keep and he said ah my parents are trying now to to love me now they're going to they're going to make me Jewish by loving me you know so that alone you know it's so they first of all he feels that his parents only cares about his Yiddish guy not about him but oh they're going to you know they teach him how to love me. So from their perspective, how do we how do we really build love very quickly? I think that it's well let's go to the to for a minute. The says that we have to love Hashem. So the obvious question is how could you love someone something he she whatever it is if you never seen it, taste it, felt it. How do you love something? It's called the word God, Hashem. How how does that work? And how can you force me to love someone? How does that work? How does that right? So the guru talks about back and forth. So what do we know? Okay, is have is giving. If you give, you do for Hashem, you get back. Fine. That's one one one idea. I think to keep love and to build love is through appreciation. Hakuras tova. We could be married for many many years. If you forget to be Makatoi, your spouse in your head every single day, the love could diminish slowly. You want to constantly have a burning ahava to each other is constantly thinking and appreciating. Just like the first moment when you met when you met each other, you open up your drawer and you see the socks in the drawer. It's folded. You think to yourself, if your wife is sleep, if she's up, tell her. But if she's sleeping, you say, "Wow, my wife is amazing. She was standing washing the laundry, going back, putting it into the dryer and then folding it. Wow, amazing. I love her. Thank you. Wow, thank you so much, Mrs. And the same thing is the the other way around. Thank your husbands and you bring it verbally is the best. But constantly appreciating and thanking makes you love them. So we appreciate we are we constantly focus on all the good that Hashem gives us. We start loving him. Loving love is a name of a feeling that develops when you care for someone or when you feel cared for. It's a name of a feeling. If we thank our children, we are going to have a very easy time loving them. Sounds funny. I want to thank you for your existence. I want to thank you. No, we only tell them when they come home late. Again, this is only my example. I want to thank you for coming home early today. It it means so much to me. You are going to love them even more and they're going to start loving you and they're going to startem reflecting and they're going to start thanking you. And when they're going to start thanking you, that's the moment when they're going to start getting back to feelings towards you. It's interesting to point out that there's a you know, we know the instinct is that we love our children. Children don't love the parents naturally. There's no mitzvah. Doesn't say you have to be them. You have to honor them. You have to worry for them for their food, their shelter, whatever said. Naturally, we love our children much more than we love our parents. We don't need our children to love us in a way that like the way we love them. We need them to know that we care for them and we need them to appreciate what we do for them. We want them to appreciate what we do for them. And that kind of love that we could build. It's a very different type of love. And that is probably one of the strongest things that we could do to get over and to look all the uh hardships that they give us or the betrayals and the that they do us in our face after everything we do for them. They're still going to, you know, hurt us and and and and belittle us whatever you know we all know it's it's if we start thanking them they're going to start building a thank you so much for putting on this dress thank millions of things and it's not only about thank them about their own existence thank them about their emotion for what they do obviously believe in them and everything else but now talk about thanking being that you're amazing you know yesterday I watched you took care of the little baby your little sibling you're so cute. You the way you took care of it. It's amazing. You I just want to thank you for being a great older sister. I want to thank you for taking responsibility for your younger siblings. There's so much to thank in these kids, you know, even while they're doing all the other stuff. Again, as I said yesterday, we could always separate. And then the next mad is which is very hard to do, but I'm sure most of us have experienced that is we need to let them vent on us. One of the greatest things is when I talk to these kids, I see that they have so much pain against their parents. If they would just know what their parents are doing for them, but again from their perspective, they have so much tal so much pain and if they cannot tell it to you in your face, they can't connect to you. I want to say short one. The bad was one the live it was once Friday night he you know for the didn't come out and you know and then suddenly come out comes out of his room and he runs up to the crying red face mish and he opens up the and he starts crying I am ding to you on behalf of the whole cahila on all the Eden in this town we want to ask you for forgiveness I want to apologize we talked lashh har we did this we did that but hashem What did you do? You made all the You made all the almunas. You made all the OTDs. You'll be and we'll be he closed in. She goes to D after Ding. You can imagine there's a huge lineup and they're asking the Reb explain to us come we need to when this guy food he says I saw in Shamim we're able to see what's going on in Sham. says, "I saw in Sham there's a huge gazer on the town and I had no way of breaking it and I was thinking how in the world I'm going to make to break this gazer to make sure that everybody has a good year." I realized that Hashem wants us to relate to him the same way we relate to others. When you're newly married, you can't tell your spouse everything. You can't complain to them. But when you have a good relationship, you say, you know, I want to tell you I'm upset about this and this that you did yesterday. Please explain to me why you did this, why that. Closeness means if we're able to tell someone my tana on you, my I have a complaint on you. I'm upset. That's real closeness. So the was telling them that Hashem wants us, we cannot say Hashem, you don't know what you're doing. You cannot say that not that's why the story is not be to be told to 5-year-olds. But he was teaching us that say Hashem, I don't understand why I'm so in pain. Why did you do this to me? That's closeness. Our kids have taughus on us. Again, from their perspective, they're right. We need to let them open our take of our layers and tell us, "Tati, mommy, yes, you did, but I am very upset. I'm very angry." They're not going to filter it. They're going to say the way it is, the way they feel. And they're going to say, "I'm very angry at you." And you say, "You're so right. Wow." Just listen. Feel them. Don't get logical. Listen, let them have all tannis in the world on you. And I'm telling you, I wish the certain boys that I work with, the parents are just not the parents that come to these shaboos and they're not parents that I could I wish if they I would if I would just have five minutes with them. I would tell them just let your child tell you everything against you. When I was a third grader, you didn't pick me up from school and I was waiting and I felt abandoned. The kid could go to therapy from now to tomorrow. I'm going to help. Amazing. You know what's going to help them the most? If says, "Wow, I'm going into your head as a six-year-old waiting outside school and you didn't pick me up. How I would feel. I would feel abandoned. Who knows what? And I just heard a story about kidnapping. Someone is going to kidnap me." And there's a whole abandonment feeling this kid. And the mother says, "I am so father, mother, I'm so sorry that this is what you're experiencing. I'm telling you, we could fast forward months and months of their turbulent journey that they need to go through. So, we need to let them vent. And you know what this happens usually? By the way, it's not by appointment. When you're driving them somewhere, they're sitting in the car and they're facing that way. You're facing that way. I know a lot of shalom people do that, you know, they have heavy conversation. They're in the car because they can't look at each other. So, we have to Okay, it's also good. At least something. But it's always the by the way in the middle of making the fish for shabas. That's your child is going to walk and slam doors and you hear door slamming hair side. Yeah. You know like and you're like oh my gosh you all your feelings start coming up like what did I do now? what's happened and mommy every time you sometimes you have to think if you're able to we're not mal we're humans but if we can you say you know what this is that by the way moment that my kid wants to vent something wants to tell me a time yeah just let the fish burn it's okay sit down and say tell me what happened what what last night when he came home and this and that you told me that I'm a druggie I'm not a drugy I never did it it's only once or six times and seven times and that the other time I'm I'm off drugs already for months okay last week I had you say wow you're so right How dare I say that? I really apologize. I'm human. I really just like I you know those by the way moments always is a good idea but for these kids is is an amazing thing. I think that that's a listening to to them not when it's planned and letting them say it unfiltered. I say even a marriage also when when you come home and your wife feels that there's a she she has a lot of heavy emotions on her. There's something she wants to vent uh a real strong man someone that has muscle, right? Real emotional muscles being able to be emotionally blamed. It's your fault. And every time you do this, what did they say? Every time. And yes, they you always do it. Now the moment she feels that every single time you did it and you're thinking to yourself, "Wait a minute, your logical brain. Yesterday we had such a good time. How could it be?" Now our teen or whoever it is, whoever is an emotional spin at the moment, the other should not be logical. Say, "Okay, the person feels that way." Our kids are exactly the same. They need to tell us unfiltered. If it comes out unfiltered, it's easier. They get much quicker rid of it. If they have to watch how they're saying it to you, it's not really giving it out. So just let them say it. See, teenagers have so much energy. Yeah. Oh, that's what you want to ask him. Teenagers have so much energy and they want to they want to give it out that way. I want to share with you a story. I shared it on Friday. So whoever was here that was here for Friday, I don't think there's anybody here for Friday. I don't think Oh, you were there. So you're gonna hear the story again. But this story has to be online. Has to be told. One of the bakim I'm I'm going to give you a gift. Hashem gave me this gift a few weeks ago. I'm going to give this gift to you. I'm giving a shir in in B is yeshiva. I'm talking to the bakim and I'm that and one of the boys said Rabbi I I I like your watch. Can I see it? You know over there there's a lot of uh a lot of ADD kids. So I need to be very flexible because I'm we talk about one subject and then they switch about politics and suddenly bring it back. My goal is by the end of the conversation I should have put into them what I want to gain you know whatever. So you know you can't have the ad like Jacobson once said ADHD is attention deficit. Hey donuts. So so it's that kind of a conversation. So for me being ADD and dealing with them but the kid says so he says it wants to see my watch. So I take it off. I give it to him and I'm continuing my speech and I hear him telling to the other boy sitting near him and he says, "I love it." I shag. He puts it on. After the sheer talks to me again about I said you want it, you could have it. I had it already a year three $400 watch but I had it ready for a year. I have a lot of one of my mish okay fine. After without and after he says can you drive me back to the dormatory alone I want to talk to you. I said sure take him into my car. on the way. He says, "You know what it means to me that you gave me that watch?" I said, "Tell me, tell me, tell me what's what's mine this." He says, "You know, I'm from Williamsburg. My father, I'm just going to say doesn't come here. His father kicked him out of the house because he has a ch, you know, he's I don't blame anybody, but for some reason, not every parent could deal with it." He kicked him out of the house. He said, "My father threw me out of the house. I was in the streets till one guy this and this person that I happen to know who it is from from Barak met me and he said there's a man bears yeshiva I'm going to get you in and he knows buried this and back he got me into this yeshiva I'm here in the yeshiva for a couple of weeks already I said I know you're talking to he says I am so heartbroken because I don't have a penny to my name my jeans and my t-shirts are torn and two days ago he's telling me I ran out of cigarettes He said, "This is, forget about it. He's out of nicotine. Nicotine. I can't take it." So, one morning tells me a few days ago, I walked out of the yeshiva and I started crying my head off in the street in the backyard of the yeshiva and I started talking to Hashem and I said, "Hashem, you're my father. You care for me. I have nothing." And he's walking in the back of our cemetery, a Yiddish cemetery on sad river. He says, "I come to the Kim." You're not going to believe what he told me. I come over there and I see the kurum and I see you the shik over there and I threw myself onto the kyver and I said I don't know who you are but I know that you're dead you cannot do any more mitzvah. I'm no if you could by heart I'm going to say to your you ask hashem that I should have cigarettes money and clothing. He says this to him he walks away. He said less than a half a minute walking away from the kyver I get a phone call this young man that put me into the yeshiva calls me up and he says bib bestie I'm here in Mont by the yeshiva you're not here I just came to visit you says oh I'm in the backyard where are you hooked his horn comes to the front he wipes over his stairs oh sister and he's talking to him and he says you know one minute you smoke right this morning someone threw into my car a big carton of cigarettes I don't smoke you need it said sure was his favorite cigarettes was I think it was parliament's mental it was a mental I can't remember which one in the car since dissing a man's brother younger brother which I also know who he is and he says one minute I just did a business deal today client and I said I'm going to give $100 master a buck you're allowed to give master right hey you have $100 this is a minuteit walking away from the ka he gets a phone call from his aunt living in his father's sister living in Pomona and she calls him up she she's is more modern. She calls them up. She says, "I I was just went shopping online and at the end at checkout it said 50% off. So I ordered everything double. You're the same size like my moi. I I ordered your jeans, shirts, and Alice Deelba size. I was about to pay anyway. Need I say more? The next day I gave him two days later I gave him the watch. I was my wife said I was to get the story because I gave away something. So true. People always ask why all the speakers have do they make it up? No. And I say the opposite, right? Hashem gives us all these stories because he knows we have the mic. I'm telling you the tumas, you know, people want to know which caver it is, but I'm not saying because I want to make money off it. I'm going to I'm standing up in the middle of work. I'm not a shamim. But the timus and the mskite of this kid, the tumas, if you look at him, he has this huge chop cas jeans, a red t-shirt. So confused soul. It's sad. I have I got I got very close to him. But if I would have I I you know was talking to to the other staff members who were discussing this boy and I said nah his father's just going to don't even talk to him because he's angry at yeshiva that we took in his son. So if that's the case I hope one day I'll be able to sit down and tell this father a story this story without saying it's a son and say by the way this is your kid. If this father would ever listen to this boy and realize that he's stuck struggling with his addiction to cigarettes, many other things. But this kid is more evidently so than all his other kids with the vas. This kid is so connected. So he said, "Hashem health." Wow. What a mr huskell for This was I this was on a Thursday. I came home and I told my kids my my son-in-law was that we're discussing this mass. It was our children are so sensitive, so real, so authentic. according to their calculations they're doing crazy things stupid things risky things because their calculation does that to them but if the the moment they get out of this spin they become a little older all of them they grow up it's not about age it's about stage you know our system goes by age very big problem it should go by stage some about age but by stage a kid of my 15-year-old kid should know already No, she doesn't know yet. She'll know when she's 18. She'll know when she's 29. It took till 40. So, there's no wherever you're ready. I always say we're living on this world 90 years for a reason. Hashem doesn't expect us to be at sadic today. It's we come every cry for we we ask Hashem for that. We do the same resolutions we did last year and they're like, "Come on, I'm playing games now. Last year I promised Hashem I'm not. This year I'm going to, you know, and again and again." And guess what? Hashem knows it takes many, many years. It takes time. Some kids it takes more. There's late bloomers. You know, now it's the spring season. We start seeing different trees are giving out. And some trees, they look like they're still dry. And a few weeks from now, they're going to give out the most beautiful colorful flowers. But we need to have them in the whole garden that we have all kinds. So in the beginning of the season, you have flowers and then they die off and then the next season, the next. So throughout the whole summer, right, a good landscaper, someone that knows how to Hashem has a huge landscape and he has alam Eden and he has a lot of us that need to bloom a little later. If the boys would be they're in my head, if the boys would be here and talk to you now, you know what they would say? I know very well every single thing that I am doing. Every risky thing, every crazy thing. I am guilty. I am hurt. I know everything. I don't need you to tell me. Please make it easy for me that I should trust you that you're here for me, not for your image, not for Hashem, and not for Yiddish, and not for this, and not for that. Just that's the only thing I need from you. Through love, through care, through listening, through explaining, give me time. That's what they're asking. I had a a boy, he's 22, still struggling. He he went mama a recent story. He told his mother and his father. He called him into the room one night and he said, "I want to talk to you." The parents told me the story in my office. Tatia and mommy, I want to tell you something. You guys are going to be shocked. They sit down and he was standing. He was raving. I know how much you made up, how much you suffered for me. I know how much when I was 10 years old, when I was kicked out, I spit my principal in the face and I lied to you and I know you didn't believe me and I know that he was telling them every single story. I want to thank you for bearing with me. They got such a mat and such a gift that most of us are not to get yet. Such a matuna. They were mish and said, "I still need time." He said he's already his spinner is already a little he's a little his conspiracies are going down a little bit more realistic more reality more grounded. He was able to say he said I am so sorry for everything I did to you. The father was overtaken. The mother told me I felt so bad. Why do they still need time? I I I I felt so bad for her. in English. Why does she need more time? Why does he need He said, "Thank you so much and I apologize for everything till now. I know it this I did this to you and that to you and this time and the other time and that story and the other, but I didn't realize I was talking English and I just want to apologize but I still need a little bit of time." The father understood at that moment, not always. And the mother said, "Why does why do you still need time?" And I understand her also. I don't know if she's right, but I understand her. I understand where it's coming from. In the Torah, it says, Hashem says, "I love you." When did it when was it said? after we did the igl after we did every a it's not contingent it's not depending our is not pending on our behavior a lot of our teachers in told us that it is so and they're liars it's hashem is very angry at you now hashem hates you it's hashem knows he created our yahar and he knows very well we know very well when he creates something he creates it perfect he created Yates is doing it. He's doing his job. The bashto said, "My greatest reb is the Yates. I learned from him never to give up. All kinds of tricks and move on. Consistency. Everything I learn from the Yates is very consistent. The bash of once said why Talmed asked him I think it was the asked him why is Msiah not here at the end of the day with so many gulas and so much like like why what what are we still missing what are we still missing asked Hashem that ask said because we say in English because we do we are not putting in enough kavana in The of we say in the morning's morning say we are not. So a lot of the said is asking is for the same saying that we need more. So the other said no there's enough in the world. There was so much to throughout the generations. He didn't mean what says inside the fill of a he says immense love. That's why we were doing because we were scared of the stick. If not you're going to go to ganam. We were learning in school because we're doing mitz because we don't want to go to gan wanted to. So the bashant said no now the time is the last few hundred years and even more so now in our times. is the main avoid that we need to have. We need to connect to Hashem out of love, not out of fear. It says and you we're going to we're going to end off the bottom line is going to be with your name. That means we say we're just talking about so the say at the end the at the end the end of the letter the end of the whole world before is going to come is means that whole bundle was all about love acceptance kindness that was his mid and that's the way we're going to end. So maybe maybe Hashem is giving us the sadikim such a workout so much exercise on this exact this mid because this is going to bring Msiah. This is what we have to actually exercise and work out every single day in the gym, the emotional gym, the logical gym, psychological gym of working of really becoming is for no reason. I love you not because you deserve only if you deserve just by being alive. And you tell your child, you look them in the face, you say to ask him the same thing Hashem tells us. We say, we look our child in the eye and we say, I love you. There's nothing in the world you could do to take away my love. You could embarrass me in public. The leap shaft is it's it doesn't depend on anything. It's unconditional love. They don't believe it because they don't have to us that natural unconditional love. We don't naturally love our parents that much as we love other kids. We love our parents because they care for us. It developed a came because they care for us. They love us. So we love them back. We feel cared for. So we love them as I said before. But our love to them is totally unconditional. Not only on condition, even when he hurt me, even when he despised me, even when he embarrassed me in public, I've seen it. I've been to a pizza store at Shabas a couple of weeks ago. Was a young I didn't know I don't know who they are, but this girl, she looks like she's mama's, you know, busting out of her shell, young girl. How she was belitting her mother in front of the whole store. We all want everybody that was so wanted to sink ourselves a bisha mom. She wanted we it would be a hole of a mouth. We would hide how bad we felt for this mother. She didn't say a word. Such cast, such pain, such anger. Many of us experienced it. And if we make our kids feel guilty for what they did, they cannot reflect anymore on what they did. As we said before, they could reflect and they're going to reflect. They're not going to tell you that at night they're not sleeping and they feel bad. But if we tell them you know what you just did, we don't need to tell them. They know. They know what they do. But if we tell them now they start the spinner goes on and they getting angry at us. So now it's about me and my mother. You shouldn't have said it this way. So now the whole argument is because you answered me this word. You should have said a different word. So the whole argument is diverted. It's not it's not they're not not focused anymore what actually happened. It happens in some of the arguments, right? If you throw the you're going to be whatever you're going to answer is going to be wrong. Nothing. Just don't say nothing. They know. And Metashem going to end off with this that Metashem is going to come a day when all of you all of us including myself have the same situation. There are kids is going to come and tell us I apologize to you. I want to listen to you. I'm curious to know how you had the kayak to deal with me till now. They're going to stop our spinner and they're going to say, "Wow, thank you so much for trusting in me, believing in me after all of this how long it's going to take. If it is going to happen, but the only way to get there maybe together is only this mahal. We have to end and finish with endless love, endless acceptance and understanding. And uh that's probably the only way that's going to going to go. Anybody wants to ask a question? Should I continue? Should I end? Huh? Okay. I should continue. You wanted to ask something. You're okay. Yeah, I'm okay. I just I don't This is the first time I'm speaking. They're not stopping me now. So yesterday, two days ago, I had to stop in the middle. I could go. Yeah. You have a daughter that 14 years old, a little mish in the ghetto. She goes out with the minister. As much as you love her, but my wife has such pain and Yeah. How do you express the love? She says, "I love her, but my heart is broken." A very good question. And I'm going to give you an answer that's even better if that's okay that I said it that way. Okay. His question, you heard his question. His question was that he lives in a ghetto meaning say in a very clump clumpsy you know and in a building with hundreds of people right neighborhood a man right okay and his daughter walks out with a miniskirt and it's such pain for his wife he's blaming his wife for you also pain for your wife more I'm kidding it's so painful for them to see the child going how is it possible to love her while she's doing all this I want to tell you a concept that I If I make it's the pain to express love when the pain is there in the face. She can't smile because the the so we all understand. Do we all understand them? Yeah. Everybody understand? We're all with you. But not but yet. Yeah. What is it? I can be. Oh. So you're saying that it's he was elaborating on what what point is actually hurting him when his daughter is doing it. You say yeah. You want to add? Sure. Every single day. It doesn't hurt me that she walks up. I don't care. Wow. I think that's Yeah, it's a it's a it's a different discussion, but but that's Yeah, that's very painful. So there's nothing I can do except move except telling your daughter that that that that that you believe in her regardless what the neighbors are saying. You believe in her regardless what the neighbors are saying. I believe in you regardless what the neighbors are perceiving you. That's their perception. My perception. Okay. But I want to get back to his thing because I think that's something she said she doesn't care. I'm sure she does. Okay. The question should be in in where everybody could gain. So we're going to try to or else if it's a one-on-one. So that's the type of question that all of us have. So that's why I want to answer it. spinner is going on when she sees this happen. Oh, okay. Fine. So, I want to answer the the thing I think with the concept that as follows. I think that again I I do a lot of marriage counseling. So, my head goes that way. In marriage, there could be a great relationship. Allah is besid. And then for some reason, your spouse in front of your family said something by the Shabas meal and it hurt you. You got turned off. And after the meal, you come home, you say, you know, you said that it really hurt me. You feel turned off a few days. And the other spouse feels like why do I have to drop the whole love the whole leap shop the whole excitement the whole has to become numb now because I did something wrong what happens I think we need to go back as children childhood most of us I don't know my age and above I don't know the younger ones but we were when we were punished we felt not liked by our parents at least a lot of people feel that way got out of the room you just did that in the old days it was a patch now it's going to the room I want to whatever it is they feel not loved and then when they do something great wow you made a test he came over 85 and 90 wow mai it's such a the mother comes in he say you saw his test you saw his bina amazing so there's a love and there's disconnect and disconnect a child is never allowed to feel that the love went away just because they did something wrong so why do we do it even my little kids he hit his younger brother and I said very strict yak you need to go into your room now for 5 minutes because explain I love explaining because you hit they don't know because you hit mati I love you so much I can't wait for you to come out after the 5 minutes but oh now I need to but five more minutes now but but you're going to be in the room for five minutes when you come out I can't wait for you to come out from there what I'm teaching my child what is it now we're going to be yeah exactly We're teaching my child, you can have two feelings at the same time. I could be upset at you and still love you. Sometimes in marriage, it's already late. It's never too late, but you have to work on it. I love my spouse. Our relationship is amazing, but I'm upset and hurt. Very hurt because of ABC. So, we need to tell ourselves that until it becomes second nature. really naturally we could do it. So if we are able to live that way to have the dual feeling at the same certain feelings can't be at the same time but certain feelings could be together at the same time. You could you could be anxious and excited right the day before you're both you're nervous and you're happy you're excited the body reaction is the same for nervous and excited. Yeah, you have both. I could be upset at my spouse, my child. I'm very hurt what she's doing to me that she's walking around with a miniskirt in front of the in front of my neighbors in the Gabisha. Where does it take away the love? Any other question? Two more minutes. One more minutes. Yeah. personic. You have to talk a drop louder. Yeah. Just an idea I was thinking about was that you go to a mechanic know, right? And then sometime later passing say get the car checked right and then have them check it and say, "Wow, you know, you're missing this piece or it's coming loose." And good thing, you know, good them through too fast. Right. Good. Very good. Yeah. Question. I'm trying to figure out how to work. Um, so when our children tell us one thing and actually going through something else, I feel it's because they don't trust that we're going to accept and really love them. So, they're hiding from us. How do we um work on ourselves to give them that reassurance that there's nothing you can do that will make me stop loving? I think for a mammon for yiddisha womanisha mama sake is think about hashem and you say think about hashem and you your relationship. Oh the question is how can we work on ourselves to get to that level of our child to make our to get our child to understand that we love them and accept them even though they're doing things that hurt us. No, they say that they're doing X, Y, and Z, but then you find out that it's A, B, and C. They tend to do that. We know that. They tend to do that. We know that. This is it, right? We're all in the same room. All that's a general question, right? That's a general question. Very good. But I think that if we focus on our relationship with Hashem, do are we perfect? Maybe you're I'm not perfect. So I I never think that Hashem doesn't love me. I used to I worked it out. My childhood rabbi didn't make me believe that. I I grew older. I realized what read is and I'm at a place where I know that Abdul is I fell through. I did something. I spoke whatever it is. Hashem loves me before while and after. I have to work. I have to get out of it. So if Hashem is that way, meaning to say there is such a concept and I need to be the same way. I want Hashem to be tolerant for for me. I I have to be tolerant for my child. This again said Hashem is your shadow. Whatever we do in this world, Hashem imitates us, right? Hashem does the same thing that we do. If you judge other people, Hashem is going to judge you. If you're forgiving, Hashem forgives you. You know, if we start thinking of it that way, you say, you know what, I I also not perfect. I want Hashem to forgive me. I want Hashem not to judge me. I'm not judging you if that works for you. Everybody works something else. But I think that could help if if you're that I don't I could feel connected to Hashem and that he loves me and it doesn't transfer over to building the trust so that my child believes in me that I'm not going to judge. Yeah, but but you're you're you're saying two different things in one question. You're saying about building trust and then your feeling towards your child. Isn't the two separate questions? But so I'm that's what I'm trying to figure out. Is it that the child? So I didn't do the right thing right we teach in in Asia we answers a question with a question. I should have asked the question what I remember when I was a teenager I used to listen to Shir once he said Rabak I hope you're okay I'm doing this and I was there in a and I remember he said someone came over and asked him why do we d three times a day right you're about to answer him of the the kabunas and I said one minute one time a day you do understand is your question why we no why do we d right yeah remember many years ago I was talking about 23 years ago 23 3 24 at least when I was 18. It's funny that it's still sticking in my head and we have to ask answer question the question. So your question is I hope you're okay doing this right. Is it is it that they don't trust us and our nonjudgment of them? No, they're in the spinner. Stop making so much. You're making too muchness. You're being very logical there. She's not so logical. Why you wasting so much energy? 28. It doesn't m again. It's not age. stage. No numbers. She's in that stage. She's not logical. Why? Why? Why? You're trying to You're trying to make out of it with your logic to understand your child's spinner, right? It's there is spinning now. You continue doing your part. The outcome is going to happen when it's supposed to happen. And my part is just to just do you know when you go to a car mechanic and you want to fix your car and he's working on your car for an hour, two hours, and then he comes, I'm sorry, I can't fix it. Do you pay him? You don't pay him. You fixed it, you got paid. You don't pay. But with Hashem, it doesn't work that way. It's the opposite. Hashem pays us according to the amount of work we do, not our accomplishments. Hashem pays us a there's many different on this that Hashem pays us according to our Hashem doesn't look this guy has an amazing child. Wow, a die in the roof. He gets much your your child is 28 and didn't didn't get anywhere yet. It doesn't go that way. the opposite. According to the according to the and the pain and the he put into this kid, you know what? Hashem judges so different. He pays us for the work, not for the results. We're not looking for results. This is an extra thing that I threw in at the end that hopefully metal see. But that's not what we're working for. So, I'm just getting a little on this part with explaining them reason. Let's say you tell them you want them home at a certain time because a certain reason they'll find they sometimes I feel like less is more sometimes of course you have to know when to explain after you ask questions and you're curious and they tell you you know why do you need to come home late what happens do you understand what it's doing to me do you like start questions and then if they only if they're ready to listen you could explain obviously you're not going to explain before they're ready to listen I'm saying when you get to that moments those few windows And do you mean younger children because I feel like once you start this approach of explaining then the kids expect okay there's a difference between explaining is in English and and and huh no there's a difference between explaining and defending yourself right you know you don't have to defend yourself and explain you know like like you're hearing your child is there no you're still hearing your child is here but It's it's you're allowed to explain you never for yourself. Never, you know, go into no explaining. I want to expl you know just throw in you don't have to say like I want to make a whole explanation. Be home on time. It's easier for me. I'm worried for you. That means explaining nothing more than that. Just they don't really care, right? True that. True that. True that. continue saying it. We know right we say you should take him on your heart. So this ask why does it say why in your heart? What do you mean on your heart? Because we constantly work on ourselves and but without always our heart is not always open. So you shouldn't do it continue but one day your heart is going to open up. Everything is going to fall in. Every single statement that we told our kids, it comes in. It come it seeps in the moment the heart is going to open. Every explanation you did, it's all going to happen. You know, we should really bring for Shabas. I was telling telling Avi, we should bring maybe on a mat shabas on a Sunday morning. All the keep kids that where Hashem crawled out of it, they should come here and they should be standing here. I'll be sitting there together with you and they should tell us. I think that would be the most effective and they're gonna tell you it's how much you know I had a boy from Toronto that uh my wife's from Toronto so she knows some whatever they send their child to live by me not now a couple of years ago many years ago this boy was a real kid still had this pious but you know I gave him Frankfurt to eat at night and he da went to the fridge and drinking milk you know like I didn't say a word he wanted me to say he went he went down down down everything he went through the Oh, father used to call me once a week for mama, you know, drugs, all everything. He's now he always tells me every single thing you told me then when I was 15 years old in your house, I still remember. He could try to get him to call him and many many hundreds, you know, we should know that there is a there's a certain percentage They should come and tell you how much every single time you explained something, you invested something, they remember. So the explanation is to them to understand that you lost to give you a window to put a pause button on that spin for a few seconds and then you let go. Continue spinning. Okay. You're not going to look at it while you're worried about yourself and that's why you want me. No, that for sure not. No, I'm worried for you. All right, everybody. See this.