KESHER NAFSHI #1 R Shimon Russell , How We got here ???

with college and winters on direction I went I took one one of thousands and thousands that I wasn't very quickly able to find the process of trauma inside so they asked me the question I put back to them the question is what you think is the game plan here let's leave it to you we were try to do your way so we're going to shove all these kids permanently off the better chance of the member coming back is very very very slim if ever so what have you achieved what do you think what you do over the auction the exciting publish the bottom you will saw the clip everyone saw the clip right Marisol said over the ticket went around everywhere he said was bunked up Inuyasha no she was asked this question the famous question about the other siblings and rush have said over so give me other siblings away they were going fine you've got uncle's got relatives raagas give them all away spend your life with this one this is the one who needs you give the others away the research says it in the shame of no should be asked the question NASA your chief told you before we have the kids they'll all do fine this is the one that each so the question I house was like this what's the game plan what's the picture what's the goal where we heading with this many of my reclaim asked me the same question the dome I feel like when you work with the family what's the what are you looking at so I told him to titus tatius you do kitten the poster says a gash in the sky miss Ferrett there's no horses oh what a gash in this guy of in this current right was he regretted so the Texas peasant and regretted what he didn't keep shutting us as it gave us right didn't count on to the Syrah no the the big three the big three showers chartreuse and thousands but these three things these be quick the occasion is Gaia for this carrot on one of these three things is that my Freitas learns is the Garris is not how l'm afraid I've come in in all sorts of Mesa and also see you know steamer so I said how would it be it looks to me like the Hicker therefore the adversity ptosis would be Chavez Castro's and hospice box so how would it be if we focus on the bigger picture but down the line we can make a relationship with my kids where eventually God comes on they just open one day they'll come back because Shabbos conscious palpable that's my fault there's a father this kid that's my job the rest that's their life's journey I love I don't be more that's their joy not my journey my journey is Chavez cars cash astonishment look into I asked you show us but this one didn't want me to give her chest but one of the good 30 sites episode but God gave me a kiss and a hug and said to me I wish weird been this why's that okay push it to me that the game plan is way down the line way down the line so that we're looking at can I help reconnect with my kids stuff to fight them the war on the struck on the revs so they're down the line is reasonable Chavez conscious houses but I'll ask you a question with what you're doing down the line one day is it more likely or less likely because you allowed this he looked away you were loving a warm is it more or less like you down the line she's gonna keep shopping Skylar's talisman yeah there you go I'm sure you did the job you had the jumper court enough enjoy the court never score method you did what pointed star teaching i sat with her for an hour and a half I know okay and I asked some small aster shawm that was there is like you know what what point is in that book work matters where we all think they probably lost the experts he actually didn't keep sitting with my wife was out where is the de mettre Matthews able to tell more of it more than merciful I can tell you I headed out now there's no clear answer they were talking broad brushstrokes here we're not clear on that is that every piece is different yeah you have to know the case alone is every case every circumstance I mean she was extremely functional the shadows because he understands two years ago Konami okay last year neck man she's extremely fun should put herself back in school she's talking appoint to seminary next sooner they're all I'm saying you know the work huh you're doing the work she's she goes to therapy now she was having that want to kill it that huh you want to kill it I don't believe anyone I'm telling you right now in your own you can convince yourself it's always a they both don't get out right and I you know it is first of all you have to give up your own eco you have to give up your own eco and your own values you gotta give up your own even oh except one basic underlying fact that's why that's why the she been there it's what we do with it that's the challenge sets us up we don't how do you like this where do you see you are you talking to me they asked me a question about two so first if you get rid of your own ego then you're actually interested in understanding because most of us we jump to an immediate conclusion this that we resolve to protect our own ego protect myself so we jump in to a place that really we don't know we did research we analyze do you think a whole battery of psychologists would know what's really going on with him give you a perfect example I started doing this too 25 years ago where I started accepting the fact I absolutely have no clue why anyone does anything and then I realized they don't have a clue either they're just reacting to forces beyond them for example UAB took me I'm gonna come out to the to bottom um you have a friend young one day one day young calls does doesn't make sense sugar did younger so sugar make some sense who's crazy the person could speak like that now I always ask myself these days this is about 20 years ago I came to this you dia how comes we don't go the brain makes no sense I guess we're missing information guess we're missing information what is it about us that we say and how come we don't just say well I can trust the young but must be missing information what is it about the nature of all of us that we go the first way not the second way I don't know who's more mature young come on me I have that reaction I have a coddling life when you don't understand human behavior it's because you're missing it it's so important it's so simple but so important so a pusher missing information so he gets the text about an asset a/c you're coming with a sock you got two kids both getting out of bed late they don't get up in the morning to say if I don't know why in other words I'm not willing to say he's postured lazy it's an easy answer one answer is he's lazy it's not themselves to Shawn about being an actor szura's but if you realized I don't know the answer so let me inquire let me look into it seek clarity and understand turns out one of the two Baucom is lazy he says it knows that he believes it I've always been lazy I just I don't get going I don't know why but that's where okay could be I know you act lazy you definitely act like a lazy person I don't know if that makes you lazy next block you push him with this and it turns out this [ __ ] they both get off at 11 o'clock this second Baca turns out to be an abuse victim and because of the abuse he became involved with himself physically unbelievable moments walk around outside anything other than being that getting into that bed for him means is gonna be fighting he needs it isn't your text about he's all of fourteen years old and he knows very well he'll be fighter once he goes into that bed can't resist it and he hasn't had the courage yet talk to anyone about it he's up the gun tonight he doesn't go into that bed till he falls into that bed guaranteed to fall asleep and all he does is get criticized from yelled at and screamed at for being lazy has a Heyliger time momma shine look at sign my books unbelievable sounded a true target and yet I they both don't get out of it so years and years and years ago they dawned on me but this obviously has to be a film and I went all the Devonian slow and to try and understand how do you know whether what you're looking at is middest laws of other nefesh you know maybe it's me the sauce got the deer in the headlights varies because the answer I tell you that's only what they sent me by the way that that kind of I'm not knocking I hope I don't sound cynical or not anyone it wasn't that way at all I went seeking advice guys so then I said well may I suggest an answer that suggests the runway they decide about was the first person I took this tool I said can I suggest an answer of course so I suggest an answer and well first of all the question was this - the minute well those were the practically speaking was but this is huge it's huge because it is : their fish well even if it's Minister else is Tom Musa it's funny I was trying typically sisters to do policy now you do Musa two guys fighting a fish your massive if you do tipple food eats when guys got me the sauce so Cornish did you truly you know didn't do anything you didn't even help them yet mother Kimberly Sheila sister unfortunately passed up States they cause the buzzer so so baekje do you do we have to know and the answer was fascinating the answer I got the answer was a very thoughtful answer Pilate said it to me first and then the Alpha said it came up everyone said the same answer the answer was so i pers i and he he thought about the wild barley and they said to me is pashutin said in that case same as you can't know then you may have to be multiple first and if you do proper tipple root 2 e you try to deal with every possible mouth you have and it doesn't work and you could take years then actually you can them on then it's minister oz maybe maybe and that was fascinating because when they free just to do was to take a look at all the kids and ask the question huh I wonder where the home in Ephesus and it turns out that they're both turns out both these boys even the one who he was an absolute so where'd you become an onsen I make it tastier that's what I what he's a messiah in your family like what he came from David David suggested my wife and turns out these also victim he just didn't know he didn't put two and two together didn't understand how it affected you because he had no clue to make the connection of how that in fact in his case this is one of the first cases this case first case of the idea I mean of my Indian my learning about him was for him going back into a classroom where his case it was unfortunate it was a rebel who touched him so going back into a classroom which date said he was reactive he was triggered yeah so first the first one didn't want to go to bed because he was afraid of being heightened the second one didn't want to go to school because of the reactions of intense fear bad feelings but he had reactiveness going to school turns out neither was a nuts one and there's both screamed and yelled out and put down the thrown off and went off because of all the critique and nastiness they got about being lazy so he doesn't make a connection I was I'm sorry I didn't hear the question if that boy didn't make the connection I didn't it consciously makes the connection see all kids unconsciously make the connection unconsciously they react they just have no idea what they're doing we all do the same thing this and we all you know have unconscious reactions to things the hawk words were embarrassed about like to describe to myself had that reaction my will will do this so for kids is devastating so the first thing here we have to have our eye on the ball you have to ask what are we really achieving here like what are we after what's the real game plan that we have understand that the the notion or idea that these behaviors by choice and they have a philosophy behind them they have like a longest behind them this is even if they'll argue and debates with you is socially art there's nothing there that's all a wall to roots and behind that wall is a wall of pain and until we go to the wall of pain and heal the wallet also for kids you and pat you can actually dramatize a kid never by responding to the wall of towards him as if they're real actually creates can create in the child a stock a belief that maybe my throat sama good and the reason is because there's no Terrence for the Terrence because the terrace was never a terrace because it was never cow sure there was nothing real there in the first place so you can't be the parents so what they see is they come up against well-meaning balayage gopher and all sorts of people trying to heal them trying to heal them right they're all trying to do this work which cannot possibly work but because they're kasher or the parents or whatever you want to call it wasn't real in the first place so therefore your answer can heal that wound and the casual blight the council staff acute to kids engaging on that level strengthens the culture because you will fail to answer it it's all this you know Scott talking and all this it's all rubbish therefore we hold on therefore was sighs OH look away we asked around late once many many years ago about a boyfriend/girlfriend situation it was the most amount thing you thinking this godling Bnei Brak you know this man understands kids Yeah right better than any of us it was amazing because he looked at me after work pressure on behalf one of my clients without break from one of these boyfriend-girlfriend relationships in that in this case the boy was grown up doing better he's keeping Shabbos already I should they were here case and he has this little girlfriend and you know he's the love like 16 and she's over 14 and I love with each other and should we break this relationship as he's like you know he's moving up and they've left it alone on my instructions but they feel as time toward us and I I promise next time an answer so I'll ask for bread late their questions ready it was amazing he said to me he to me and he said to me can the parents give that boy more love than the girl is giving me look so he said he grabbed my hand listen it's wrong Labor's Bnei Brak you know this is like you have to see this is he amazing he grabbed my hand and he said this mugger all right he said to me when he looks into her eyes he looked into her eyes and he sees this love coming out of her eyes looking back at it do the parents offer something better than that it's a brand lives it this is 20 years ago more 20 years ago I remember which coddle was that also police grill was dressing by Caputo can can they give more love comparing everyone love it then the way she's dressing it's late it's [ __ ] is pushy he looks deeply in her big brown eyes and this boy feels like these waves of love inside he's 16 he's an abuse victim he's been bitterly shunned by the whole yeshiva world and his family and he looks in her little brown eyes she's looking at him with total admiration and love her exactly what is better in this world than that moment for him seriously nothing nothing absolutely nothing and I asked her she Sheba I asked him Abel Talley like get it zip it up I asked him took my hand and he said to me mitzvot like it it smith's feel like it it's a said why was talking to heaven we've been established to develop why was the head your shrine standing why is commission the upper look why was this understand why you were second we're not ready and listen again in the longest of it this boy is a damaged kid right he's a damaged he's found his felt loves his parents look away they leave it alone what do you think that does in his relationship you've all seen the tape that happiness pleasure paradigm tank rang you've seen the piece so I called it the happiness pleasure param happiness comes from one place in this world it comes from the embrace of a long-term meaningful relationship everything else is pleasure happiness only happens in the bracelet long-term meet meaningful at zero Tonica meeting Nikola attending Shahi only matzah right lane is busy burkina otherwise the relationship we're going to show Lila right that relationship that shafts happen is the greatest pleasure in the world pleasure in this case meaning happens what's pleasure what's not coming I will say column I'd you know is where you can see the napkin it because people spend a lot of money foolishly uneducated because they're lacking information going to amusement parks unfollow me you spend a ton of money and you slap your kids there when you're watching the movie second while they're walking in and out at the princess enjoying online here you know with that whatever and they drive you crazy all day and you're busy with these rides and rides right and then when you leave the funny thing happens when they're there they seem to be having a marvelous time you get him in the car and they're already fighting and killing each other a one of them for sure says Athens a run days the father's mother brings ammunition so there won't be a world war three right now the car this is what that shaft happiness it cost the veldt of money if I was fuming about the money he just shot on this waste of fine and they're all angry and yet if you take your kids if you must live to do this and take them to a park where no one's around with a frisbee and a football and you have a picnic in the middle of the park follow my earth and you actually interact with your child playing frisbee or football with your child throwing the ball and catching it and throwing the frisbee and you do an interactive game and fun and have a picnic together for free by the way doesn't cost anything it doesn't cost anything everyone walks home with a globe because you shaft happiness because in the park you have pleasure disease so happiness is only found in the abrasive a longer term meaning for a child goes through an event the event or experience is some sort of experience event the causes pain causes a hole in the heart it hurts him where this molestation but this is learning disabilities whatever happened to him I'll be a shaft a hole in the heart that means his howard kurtz he's in pain now what happens you can't live like that you can't live with a hole marked not physically and not emotionally you can't see you want to push top the hole so early on kids young he discovers maybe interesting music maybe a magazine you shouldn't read maybe an iPod you know the clip from this and it clicked from that today's that's more likely his friends handing around you know interesting innocent but interesting clips and thing there's nothing bad in the senseless you know and what does that do the excitement mind good moving mbaku the excitement of doing the elicit the unaware stops up the hall of whistles it feels good Bashar Mesa he's doing the whole go whatever it is it feels it's like shopping shopping disorders right what why shopping disorders so popular in America right because when you shop for that moment when you feel miserable and you go shop that's why 24 hours a day you can call up and your credit cards and online and now Amazon will ship it the same day you don't have wait till tomorrow so arrow shows you to our shop you have to wait custard shop so you only have to tolerate 2 hours of pain and which you have the fantasy of what's coming in two hours and that stops up the hole so you can live for another 2 hours because you have to suffer because you just bought something on Amazon that you don't need but it'll make you feel good temporarily till you're bored with that right this is stopping the hole in the heart yes and this kid stops up the whole heart he's completely unaware because he hasn't seen my tape and he's not aware he's not sophisticated yet to realize he's gonna get caught they always get caught and here's what happens and mode you catchin the parents and all the school yell at him and punish him to come for the behavior that he's done to stop up the hall now what does that do to the relationship between the parents and the kids just gonna it makes it a worse relationship that means the hole in the heart gets bigger because she got mad with him because the less happiness the bigger the hole so now is that bruised hurting and angry in his bedroom and he has to think of another clever way to fill the hole because he's got a bigger hole Pacha get you know a dangerous max of here this hole in the heart business so now he plans and he sneaks out at night and he goes through some other Mesa or maybe I'll find a little girl to talk to somewhere and that fills up the hole in the heart the problem is no one told them you're gonna get caught they always get caught and when you catch him you get mad with him what this I already yelled at you for that and this is how you pay me back you do this you scream at him again or he gets thrown out of school the second time suspended whatever it is and guess what happens to the hole in my kiss bigger it gets bigger because the breakdown of the relationship the worse the relationship the bigger the hole gets and now he needs to even more stuff to stop up the hole in the heart and then we catch him because no one told him prepared you're gonna get caught oh it's gonna catch you alibi we wouldn't catch him always tell friend look away don't catch him the only way you can catch him is if he gonna give him a hug then you can catch him I had a parent called me actually was an uncle none that kid the kid was kicked out they're magnificent people see me she isn't they were the most amazing human l2 l3 and I'd have no clue where these people came from they were so special I'm Amish I can't even tell you they just they they empowered my life that there could be such people because that's me muss and al-qaeda these people they heard a few of my things so they turned to me for advice you know it was thought they were told I was like the das tell you in this they should trust me you know it's me mistaken people they're rabbits all them trust me you know by seed and sure we all know what that means forever said trust it put your trust and finish fatik thumbs as they came to me and they had a business in the house doesn't matter what the business was there to be going for cash business though they ran in the house and their money that one day they find out this nephew they've taken into the house had stolen a large amount of money from them they have something's going on he seems to have money for things they camped and they did some bookkeeping there there was a lot of money he'd taken ten thousand and here their muscle is life you know they've got no children in the house anymore they took him in you know doing a favor and here this how you repay me they called me out they said they asked their what's new they said ask me first so I said well if you ask him me do you mind if I tell you is it okay back to tell you what to do and then you'll have to decide if you can do it and they said occasion tell me it was much beautiful thing I told them write a note they found the money it was they'd hidden he wasn't very good at hiding and the the uncle was very sharp Tiffani youth and he found it in two seconds flat in the drop ceiling in the basement this boy was in the basement room there's a drop ceiling Emeritus they found most of the money was still there nine thousand and change where there was still they hadn't spend that much there was the word they found it I said excellent here's what you do your write a note and on the notes you say your dear uncle the uncle will love you to pieces we want you to stay here and we know you're suffering and you know life is hard for you later his passion and this hard life of yours I see brought you to borrowing some of our money without riches so I want you to know if you need money you're welcome to come to us and ask anytime you want but why should you steal it you probably feel terrible about yourself stealing from us you you probably feel miserable sure you feel bad so in the future you don't need to steal come to us we'll help you out love put the note in the rubber band on the money and put it back into the drops in there this is one in the morning yes take the money back just put the note in the drop ceiling with the money in the rubber band and leave it there I'm telling Heyliger you if they made the cut in two seconds flat why this was the right room oh it's most beautiful thing we imported money what did they happen King pepper was the kid comes in crying his head off put some money on the table starts warming his head off apologizing and the sand yen's he doesn't deserve and he's gonna leave and then he knows they want to take him out and they of course not and they all hugged and their dust and this kid that was his return that's where that's actually what turned him back that's what made him start coming back because who would do such a thing except there Lafitte you can't no you can't you can't cure until you know because you know what I was help you to do know but I was telling it let's go piece by piece what was that let me just go piece by piece if you by the way I usually think for a while before I answer I try not to you know it's like I don't want to give the impression no no before you guys on at each side I I don't generally answer anything quickly because you know people think I know the answer is totally not true you know I try to think through what makes sense and every situation is different like I wouldn't in that city I'd have to think about that c2 and then I have to think everyone's listening and I was different situations so how can I answer generically in a way that someone over there's video but that doesn't make sense you know who cash from the two seconds flat so I'm thinking how to answer this but I think if you don't know for sure you actually have no you don't you you assume but you don't know number one lock up your money more carefully that's what you should should lock up your money more carefully keep it locked up and I would do that first by probably I probably would definitely not tell him I know look for it I don't know I I definitely hear definitely would not cry [Music] right happens all the time happens all the time you know you know again I want to go back to happens pleasure paradigm so in the process of going on the hole in the heart gets bigger because they act out doing more and more dysfunctional behavior because of the principle of mind removing in bottle because the more you do this illicit stuff the more you feel better they get caught it breaks the relationship and so they spiral off because everyone wants to be happy the tikkun is the opposite see that's the hither shove this although going off can happen in three months you know the spiral down like nothing and coming back I used to say seven years minimum for short seven years minimum that means from when you have them which means usually you have around eighth ninth grade you know for sure they're off you know I'm saying all the struggles but you know you have perceptive person that was in fourth grade you know when something's going on but by eighth ninth grade you're pretty clear you got a serious patch on your hands from that point it's a seven year stretch you know minimum minimum before you could expect them to come back to the big three comfortable that's the lumber specifically that is very different between I can make a lot worse I'm being nice between different ages as opposed to a teenager breast that's married I'm Gipper snowballing yeah just I'm just saying then we just be nice to begin with sure there's let me move everyone in slowly to relax into this so I say $4 parshat 7 years many of my clients were bitterly upset with me then they felt I didn't give them hope and I told them that I'm afraid false hope to me is destructive because you will hurt your kid I'd rather you're angry with me than angry with you kit so let it out of me it's ok I can handle it you kids can't so they let it out on me menu it's ok but then here's the thing they asked me ok what do you mean by seven years I mean seven years you know if you handle it well from the you know the seven years stretch whatever it is if you have if you have all the idea in the unfund I mean if lujah lujah in the eighth ninth grade you'd have all the ideas you needed for the suger then you could assume within seven years they'll come back to the big three chances are very likely they'll come back to the big three Chavez Cassius and cosmic I know obviously you know whatever else but to me that's the focus to get them back then and other things fall into place beautifully they're seven years assuming you have the idea the beginning now then they ask me okay so if they come back to the victim is that free of trauma and the answer's no they're still not healed so they said well when's the trauma because I see they're still reactive even though they keep Shabbos casters today's with blocker but I see episodes things happen we're walking on eggshells around them you know it's like very awkward you know we've got a still tolerate you know a lack of sneer like wouldn't you know you know all sorts of stuff that's you know not the big three that's really like when is all this over so it would seem to me somewhere around thirty five somewhere about thirty five years nothing about you yeah you said 35 years or 35 years 35 years old another about another 15 tack on another 15 years tack on another piece you got about 22 years from the unfund so what if you play it right such a when you're sober but I see this with countless of young people I worked with but even when they get through the parishes somehow because the parents pull the right hose and everyone you know and you work the system you look away and they come back but they're not you know they're still struggling there's no that's a very rare they come back casually it's extremely rare they come back without any raishin you know their struggles and what I see is if you keep working it you keep the same mahalos somewhere it's been their parenting years as they bring up their kids the penny drops the penny finally drops the you know this actually wasn't my parents fault Wow you know and that which my parents definitely messed up on any parent could mess up on oh my gosh you know it's like I'm doing the same thing with my kids I can't believe it I should have known better and I'm repeating some of the same errors and it takes that and our willingness and our patience a sub lonnis so the broth I give to you know people have papers you know you give me the regular brother you know these are mr. Sharma we know you know all the last brothels the right one I take him aside after you got all the regular brothels let me give you a real one is all they bridge the healthy should have patience your kids are gonna drive you crazy you just had a baby I never if you think you just had the next Briscoe rug for the next Irish mirror never feel for diamond out of your mind you're gonna love this kid till this kid drives you crazy gives you sleepless nights ruin Japan awesome wrecks your furniture embarrasses you Barabbas turns out not to be the map as you thought they were gonna be so they just happen I wish you serve Lana's what sevillanas disciple it's lousy word tolerated since by you're sure he was youth old is it his he had wrote hello Kim right rush allocation by she useful ìletís naked ruler collateral therefore that means you know to embrace each unique person as a money everyone for who they are I tell them you think you your kids are gonna be just in your image tissue had them take a look at any wish pakka look at the youngest person is less L an average Jewish nice family of eight kids let's say so your youngest is now twenty oldest is now in the forties you're looking at eight different mesh pockets what's the chances of the being like mama shawl like you nothing can I did it right occasionally you can like a weird picture goes around because they all look the same I wonder what they're actually like at home they different everyone has a different sharma different Muhammad have different tactless a different person and we have to be willing to see that with our kids in crisis the ones who go through this where we got to dig into the trenches and realize into the mid thirties when they're bringing up their kids that's when all this healing if you play right let me if you play right if you do the right moves can you look away and you love them and you accept them and you keep your eye on the ball of what's what's really the IKAR here what's the topple it what's important with that is there something that deep that you would not look away is everything so no no no no I won't tell you like this this be very clear did you look away from everything it means everything no matter what I know you look away from your ego no no you got the wrong thing I'm sorry I didn't explain clearly I'm sorry you look away from you and I'm asking you no no I understand it's the behaviors like this every gift you don't have to showering together you know but I'm gonna say yes say I'm gonna second you have to if you have developed the ability to get outside your own ego and talk to your child without ego without negiah Steiners complaints hurt personal resentment without any of it it's just not there it's just I care about you I want to give you information about life you can almost say anything to your kids and they don't resent it it doesn't turn them away I don't again to the praten but I will be careful here the goal is the relationship that what facilitates the relationship is for most people looking away from stuff for the vast majority of people if you don't look away and you're not McAra then you don't do the one the kids will never know you have unconditional love for them in theory if you can get outside your own ego fully and completely then you could say to the schaeffler please sweetie not in our home can you say that if you got rid of your ego only if you've got rid of your ego that means you're able to say to them if this is what you need I can accept it I can live with that I can also ask you to what works for me because I live here too if you could get there where your eco doesn't exist if you could trust yourself if you could trust yourself to be a person who could communicate so deeply and effectively and meaningfully to your child I dare say it's a reverie of the chlorine I'm saying I'm just I want to put the fact that if you the goal is getting rid of your ego so you can reconnect to your kid and your kid will feel loved and cared for and cherished by you therefore for most people that means looking away tolerating accepting you know being messiah whatever they're doing in a certain degree this mutt salah locker then that package the whole package comes because it's tried to our connection of healing that you know i have unconditional love for you what you are it's not about my ego to get your own ego out the way that's a job if you put i'm simply saying if you could lose so you could then you can have relationship we couldn't you can talk to them about anything you could express your feelings you could tell them how you feel on what you want but you have to be bothered to Malusi you got rid of your ego first but for most people I'm telling you that's almost impossible it's not shy you just have to know the truth Lou Utsu you could get rid of your ego if you cut that's right so what's better not the same 100 percent 100 percent your Mazak I just want you to understand the truth that what facilitates you understand what will creates the potential for return is getting your your own ego out the way a reconnecting where they have a reason why they want to return but for most people the ego is in the way I do feel embarrassed about them and they know it I do for resentful Deauville upset I can't communicate example if I say to my kid if I said to my kid honey I understand where you are right now you smoke on shrubs I'm not a fool I get that I get it and if you smoke in your bedroom do you see you make a choice to smoke in your bedroom where you had the rabona shower in that room and it doesn't it's not in my face you're not hurting me with it don't smell it don't see it why on earth would that be a problem for me that's not about me it's not about me I fully understand I know what's going on one idiot but I care about you but you'd have to get rid of you ego and I daresay there's very few people on earth who could do it I just don't believe most people could know together I do know they can it's doing like da Naboo yes but I tell you I chat I'm just telling you it's a goal to earth point it's at least no it's a goal to work for your mythos that's where you're after yeah Bobby says if you're looking about microphone uffish if you really get to what the sugi is all about in his teeth guides and you truly see this as a hollow nephesh a damaged person so of course you can get there you have to work at the afternoon where you're going you're going to a place where you got rid of your ego you pulled it out and it's a wonderful benefit this circuit if you can do that you kidding kissing at the table you're taking a shower together there's other kids in the house please explain that I'm gonna ask you a snap ah [ __ ] I'm gonna ask you again is that about your ego five other kids that are sitting in the house having kids if they had to say they're in one choice yeah if you if you're gonna speak to me dude would you mind if I'm honest no please no baby I'm the most honest person here probably okay in my hurts I could take it no because I think this this is important because I think what's happening here we all have a piece of this everyone has a piece of this we may not want to face it spoilers I want to tell you listen carefully to me what I heard I'm a good therapist now I'm gonna ask you my Sheila in it I'm gonna I'm gonna spread this out to all of us including myself I think we all have a piece of this in us I want to be honest what I'm about to say in us he's just giving Mira Schuster this is a demonstration to bring yeah it's a man I appreciate it but I want you to know I honestly in my humble opinion Clube myself that I know I know we all have a piece of this in us and I'm gonna show you the words you said let's reroll the tape I've got other kids I've gotta say to please I've got see when you say that when you go there you're already done okay I'm done you're toast okay so what should you know even then when you move on what should you say what you're doing is manipulating you're manipulating the situation and when you do that it's about your ego and until you get rid of the ego I don't care what intervention you do you lost your kids will know don't know it doesn't work it's not I've got you know I've got I've got enough rise to love my kids and be michellephan and help them grow up and overcome their traumas and their damage I have a fear to love them unconditionally love them what for the peeve about different other kids not that's right baby so you want to make it Protista canal that we can do the whole Sookie about damaging the other kids now and you know let me tell you we have we may as well let's cancel the rest of this program stay here just cause that the reading is I want to tell you something I want to tell you something when I work with someone this takes years of development to see the answer to this to see the answer I could take it the answer it would just make someone else in the crowd said what are you crazy and he's gonna have a big cash on me if I give you the answer to this question I promise you I'll prove it if you want I'll do it I'll do it Meshuga you see what you haven't come to terms with yeah why did they're going to show and put those other siblings in your family to be exposed to her did that occur to you yet my wife kiss talk about you know Bhavani and uh she's right we come to terms with what they should know I'm trying to be valuable for everyone if I answer you without a development of the understanding of that copper and the value system I promise you it will create confusion and disruption in people's minds and ideas it's like how Shakespeare's like I walk into a shear I go to head to Saul on the yacht Acala and I walk in to a very difficult one Misha shear in a Sookie I'm not in and someone says over of kebaya in the shear and I listen and I say I don't know that shot doesn't make sense to me I'd like to see someone do that take the rush really and go there when he says over that began you walk in and assume you're not holding said doesn't make sense to me excuse me doesn't make sense I want to see you do that it's much I thank you robo so you have to understand we have to relax there these questions are crucial questions for our own astronomers if this is not a journey for me to get rid of my ego if I'm not gonna embrace this sugah is about me first about getting rid of my big fat ego well then I'm not gonna help anyone and I got to do that first now that means thinking through very delicate questions and shila's that are very complicated for example why did the robot shun put all these other kids in that thing how come he put and I've got news for you by the way I Got News for you you know many kids I've worked with who were profoundly mentally and emotionally damaged by the insecurities created by their parents throwing out their sibling crushing their sibling of throwing them out the shame Strummer him to protect them who were mentally and emotionally insecure and damaged the rest of their lives the foundation of trust was taken from them where they didn't trust and they developed all sorts of anger anxiety disorders OCD is all sorts of problems that were incredibly hard to treat or understand how where they even came from and until the darkest we began to see how that happened and how they felt about what their parents did or what it took from them you can't what my point here is only simple point I hope I'm not being a pan out it's it's my point is this the overarching team you want to go into the praten each one has different fronts I hate to do it publicly it's not the gas not appropriate you know each family is a different mats of different circumstances you know you have to work through each family situation to answer Claudia stick for everybody this is the answer for all people of all circumstance is a very risky thing to do and I don't want to do it I don't want to be drawn into doing it but what I am comfortable to say is this is if we embrace the Sugi as the primary piece of this Sookie is me getting rid of my ego that I can interact with and relate to with my children guess what is fascinating but they start wanting to modify their own behavior without you ever telling it to them where they come to you and say Tati I'm so embarrassed that I ever did that I took a shower with him I'm Amish pushed out of my brain what do you think of me and she breaks down crying crushed to her core and that's shafts a tickin in her which is totally wasted when you went off there to stop doing it because you're protecting the other kids who were going to exposed to this anyway very banished from and guess what when you then after this happens go to them and say now I want to tell you and you go with her can we talk to your siblings do you mind and she says yes I owe it to them I've done that many times I owe it to them and it's amazing the kind of things that start happening the pure roughness that starts pouring out that's absolutely astonishing because she had the patience to wait work on your own ego first whenever you know you can just monitor your own language we all have this but I blame my so I had this for years we all have this it's not you they're just you he was so helpful to me just to bring up yeah I want to tell you that because on Shabbos but when I gave her a Braco she thanked me because he was sitting at the table to the Seder and he was sitting about probably about this close which thank you for what for allowing him to come Ianto cope she said of course she gave me a big hug and she said thank you and she kept don't allow him to be that I just I I want to be very clear if we're gonna be much clearer with these surrogates we've got to put the doggish in the place where it belongs the primary doggish and that doggish is me working for my ego so that when I relate to my kid they feel the love they feel they connect that starts healing the home enough that heals it slowly takes years for the hills Walmart and for Kent I don't have to tell them about the inappropriate just because they already know well you think any of these kids who are doing these inappropriate things thinks that you agree I think yeah give them a multiple choice I hate bother coming to the survey site get a multiple-choice test write down ten questions right of all the things that your kids are doing wrong they're like you know his question one is it mu2 or a sir to take a shower with your boyfriend together on Shabbos in the house or on weekdays let's say weekdays is it right to take a shower with your boyfriend do your parents a accept this and they're proud of you be are they upset with you see they have no opinion about the subject and then you get ten questions like this about your eyes cops you tell you kid like this here honey I got an idea I got this multiple choice test if you can identify correctly my tush Gophers are these ten questions I'll give you a thousand dollars and a free trip with your boyfriend dad's to solve for a week I'm doing that anyway does anyone have a half a minute the kids won't get all ten questions right you are CK can you identify my accomplice about your in August about your behaviour if you can get my office correct all ten you got a thousand dollars a trip to Israel does anyone have a have a minute whether your kid will get more right zipper get them all right so exactly what am i doing when I just gotta tell him just gotta tell him they just gotta know they should know they already know so what are you just telling them hey you're upset that's right the URI goes in the way and what you're telling them is what you're telling them is don't bother coming back because there's no one to come back to because your father's got a big fattie girls we tell me it's not worth coming back there's no one home there's no anticipation of a warm loving yontiff and a warm loving Shabbos there's not don't anticipate bringing your kids here to our house one day because I'll probably be horrible to them too yeah it is isn't it it's amazing and when you when you look away and you work on it ego first they already know it's wrong it's not like they know it's right there's not a half a min of have a minute have a minute they know exactly it's wrong and when you look away and you tolerate and you do all this stuff whatever it is again I don't go to the pro team of it you know that's the detail thing I've each individual speak to privately about when you look away you Schaaf healing in the pleasure happiness pleasure paradigm and you give them a reason to want to change and guess what when they're 35 they'll give you that call and they'll say Cathy I'm so sorry what are we hearing this right for let's be honest what is anyone here in this world for if not taking that me the same as other to work on us what are we in your face all the time and there all the time was was it you think I don't know this no so you think I don't know this I'm telling you your body language this whole thing has to go 100 forgive me you said no no it's okay I went up against who who's the other one that was at the which role is there but can i trouble is there some Rob I went against hope I just want to be the sign language you know I hear people said you know that is my in my shower so who I do into my shell mistake they're a bunch of each other's table first of all you know maybe my Shabbos table should be a loving place what are you my Shabbos tur you own this well okay technically a plane to save money come on this be real I want my Shabbos table to be their Shabbos table I am finally Shabbos I keep Shabbos I like Shabbos I would like that Shabbos table to be their Shabbos table it already is mine I don't leave that table stable I don't need any Shabbos table I'm happy you gonna Shabbos with or without the Shabbos table I hope they need a Shabbos table in my Shabbos table no I'm serious we all understand I think we all have a little bit of this in us unfortunately it's about my shoulders table and we think that's Messiah working those Tyra it's rubbish it's rubbish for my site it's ego it should be their Shabbos table good so you want to tell me about old fashioned dinner and what we should okay good that's true that's nice that's not now it's not now not with these kids and if they're gonna show chosen to put other jingler in this family I'm going to talk about it musty shadows I'm I'm gonna let loose some speaking yes crying goodbye the rough-looking about it it's your child it's your see them yeah it's your ego yeah hundreds every neighbor you would have no issue and you would feel the hero and your name is Geico meteoroid the basalis officer on the banks of a stop come on nothing looks right by those evening of course as much are there's no question and it's much harder when it's a boy and want it to grow that it's a boy wash I just want to say like no question if we have to finish off in it but here's the thing professor if we are gonna be honest Jews then we're gonna look inside let's start this weekend a rejuvenation of his oke let's start by being honest how about that is that such a bad thing no I think it's a good thing I think we could be yeah it's an honest request I tasted myself too so if we could be honest and less start with an unfunny sleep tonight realizing you know maybe more important than me worrying about this detail that detail the siblings and this and those he's worrying about my ego maybe that's more important and I can see that in two ways by the way if you have a wife you can see it instantly just us that's just really easy if you have a devil why don't ask you she's gonna tell you anyway yeah just ask it honey do you think my ego gets in the way sometimes like I dare anyone to ask your wife I can I can this any one of us be the best most experienced of your life Russell said I should ask you this question do you think my ego ever gets and you haven't even know yeah you can tear anyone to us that question because his let's have a good stance that we show two things two things I may stand then we'll finish with this two things one is what should echo in your body language as soon as you start doing like jerky movements you know you ego