Chinuch 2023 - Mesorah Meets New Challenges. What Would Rabbi Wallerstein Say? - Rabbi Y. Grossberg

[Music] family we're sponsoring of tonight's Shields compatible for the support for tonight's Master appearance have the greatest sponsoring your share call Eric and share a tire at 718 851-865 want to email istanet.com [Music] and came to speak to us on the 2023 Miss Sarah meets new challenges and what was it by wallstein say I cover the corner by grossberg for tonight's Russia thank you thank you very much a number of years ago I had a relative that used to come in from out of town orphan during the summer and they were always complaining about Brooklyn there's no parking there's construction there's they always ask me what are you doing living in Brooklyn one time they came home all excited I Now understand it and they were holding the paper of the organization now I know why you're living in Brooklyn you have a holy Shoreham during the summer so thank you they're going to shoot for raising the level and making putting Flatbush on the map for all the Torah and all the Shoreham that we have tonight's topic is really one of the hardest topics to talk about one of the hardest topics really for those who are in the Parsha of parenting it's a little scary sometimes to think that your garbage man or your mailman has probably had more training than any parent has had for their job we don't go to school for parenting okay now the parenting class is much more in I suppose there are many um books that are out but La Mesa considering the fact that it's such an important khalik of what we're doing and the stakes are so high well really to a certain extent Flying Blind but the truth is there's a husband to that because so much of parenting is intuition and it might sound a little strange for me to say this standing over here but I have a problem with people that give classes on parenting because every single child is different and it's so important that when you hear anything on parenting that you understand that these are guidelines may or may not work with your child and to have the Seiko to understand what to apply what not to apply and the truth is this has been really is the aside the foundation of revolver is famous safer on parenting that it takes both zria is planting planting is the type of thing where you can put it in the proper sunlight you can water it do everything right and mice at the end of the day it just doesn't work Binion on the other hand if you build it you put one brick on top of the other brick and you know what you're doing it's gonna be you're gonna be able to build but you need both zria is we'll call the intuition and Binion is the learning and what the things that the that we come up with and that we hopefully the intellect that we have and the ability to use our intellect part of parenting is really is exactly that making that everything we do is never just random you can't parent randomly because every decision that we make has very high stakes if it didn't before it definitely does now anyone is familiar with what's going on in the world we all know that the stakes are high our children have options we wish they'd ever had our children have places to go places to be and if we're not going to be that welcoming place for them they have options and therefore everything that we do has to be with everything that we do has to be with the husband of how are we the decision where does it fit in with how we're taking care of our children the truth is says that parents really are not him it says and he explains the difference so most of the time the the usual Tides the usual translation of yamashvia comes to the word shepher that kind of we overflow as opposed to who maybe hits the target as a parent we're not teaching as much as we're showing and believe me our kids are watching us Rebecca says a little differently he says that really the mashpia comes from the word shipua that it rolls that everything we're doing and everything that our kids are watching and rolls down and hits them if you don't believe this is true ask any pre 1A rebe they know more information about your family than you would really like them to know I was once at a a dinner where pre-18 was honored I remember he got up and said it's really fitting that all the parents are here because I know you guys really well I know when you're expecting long before your parents know I know when you wanted to buy a new car and when your husband didn't think it was a good idea I know it all kids pick up a lot and the first time I heard this I thought it was actually for a while see I thought it was a joke but I spoke to the memorial it was a true story of the child who was the shabbati and the mother tells him to sit at the head of the table I said okay you're going to be the tatties okay I'm the tati he opens his belt and he sits and he goes oh I'm so tired can we eat quick to him that's what the Shabbos tati does or the child who'll stay how he where did you learn to dive in so beautifully so I watched my father at home every morning kids are watching and they're picking it up and it's for that reason that we have to be so careful and even if it's difficult for us even if it's something that maybe we're not holding by but if it's something that we need our children to see it's something that we have to do it's not going to work otherwise remember as a Manalo I got a call from a mother very upset just I can't believe what type you see if you're running my children come home they don't have admired with a minion so I said why doesn't your husband take them he doesn't dive in Meyer with a minion either we're going to try but they're going to see it and of course everyone's favorite example the child who comes home with a letter from the banal your son was caught lying today and you give him that whole smooth Midwest he gave the whole share about Ms and then when the Messiah comes to the door you say tell him I'm not home I'd like to believe it's a joke the bottom line is where they say a value system is shown not taught you can teach it all you want they're not necessarily going to pick it up but if it's shown that's going to be different I wish I could say that this was me on a regular basis but one time I came home late and I was already halfway into bed and I remembered I hadn't died in Myers and at that time there was no more there wasn't a million in flappers I got dressed I went to shopping park I died when I came home my kids were there when I came home tonight was probably first starting for them then and when I told them what happened like I didn't even have the husband but I like I felt like score this worked better than any lesson I could have taught them about going to my Earth was what they saw happen at that time and they know I'm not great when I'm tired so it was definitely that's ultimately what we want to accomplish what we want to do on the possic massive the corlissov is that there are ways to measure silver their ways to measure gold how do you measure a person by the praise so Paul you would say that you measure someone by the praise that people give him they listen to when someone gets up by Yeshiva dinner what they say about him that's what you want to say that's what you take from them but really I just says no it's by what you praise what's important to you if it's important to you your kids get that message also and I saw this idea and speaking once to a review of mine and he said that sometimes it's understandable you live in a neighborhood where there's so much goshness and so many other things parents have to be careful if they're constantly talking about the big houses and they're constantly talking about his car the message to their children is that this is the goal you can have two kids you can have a Ventura uh someone sitting in cuddle but he comes home and his dugge is on the his doggish is on the house the car all the other things and he's talking about this guide made that deal etc the message that the child gets is pretty clear on the other hand you could have about a boss who works all day but his child sees that he goes out to learn at night and he's constantly talking about their abundant how harsh they are and he's told he's talking about the younger light how harsh they are that message also comes home what we find important is ultimately what our kids will find important and we have to bear in mind that our children have lack thank you very much lack of a better term a very refined hypocrisy meter they can see right away right through us when we're doing one of those do as I say not as I do you know you can't go but I can you could now in the real world I don't have to explain myself to my child you're right you really don't and it's really possible for a child to ask but at the end of the day and I'll use this term a lot do you want to be right or do you want to be successful if you want to be right child has no right to question a parent it's not coveted parent does he has a reason he needs that phone for business you know whatever it might be and that's right that's not necessarily what's going to make you successful with your child so sometimes you have to ask yourself that question the difference do you want to be right or do you want to be successful there's another version of that is do you want to be right or do you want to have Shalom bias but that's for a different that's the famous story of the father who crying he brings his daughter to the roof and says rabbit help me my daughter wants to marry a guy please speak to her work with her do something love says okay fine bring her in I'm going to speak to I'm going to try to take care of the situation he speaks to and after 20 minutes a half hour they come out didn't get this far with him couldn't get anything accomplished with him because I don't understand if I said you're the wrong you must have ways to do it and the father looked at him and said I'm sorry you did this every Shabbos you come home and you take apart my dresser the Rob didn't know this the Rob said that wrong the Rev made this mistake I don't hold the rub is right about this and all that your daughter got the message very clearly that you don't have to listen to this guy so what do you want from her she's just following what her parents did she's following what her father accomplished it's almost unfair to expect anything different you can't wake up now and expect that she's gonna listen you were very successful in your you got that message across to her like no one else and that really is the idea we have to be so careful as parents how we speak you know if you ever want to get your kids attention at the Shabbos table start discussing something like politics and shul mention one name and also that gets quiet that they're listening to they got everyone wants to hear exactly what happened over here what happened over there with this Etc but we have to be so careful what we say the kids are listening and I remember once there's a whole other idea about how we talk about our kids Rebellion but I was once at a house a child said over there I remember in horror watching the father say look at matria that's the best he could come up with a Gematria you know I was above her at the table I lost my appetite I couldn't really tell him what I thought but how do you say that about your son's revi even if you don't like a mattress kids pick that up you can't tell them you know again take everything but that we really have to be careful how we speak about other people and who we show proper covet too you know there's a term I'm not fully sure what it means I have certain possibilities Veer culture where certain people are into certain you know kavirim and what they've had and what's the last thing they did and the picture of them in the iPad or whatever I think it's wonderful and you know maybe one day no I'd probably not going to but vehicle wonderful thing but again what's important to us is it the kavir or the goggle I once went with a group of um it was a wealthy group we had gone to her to Seoul to um farmers during shemitah I'm not sure exactly what I was doing there definitely wasn't part of that uh the Greer group but it was very sad that we came with a ROV and every time that we went to rashiva the gabrium came out and went straight to the view and like passed right by the rough now you could say it's not therefore this is the way of the world it lies at the end of the day if they want to live they need it's true but that message comes across and we have to really be careful about that early in my career so as a now so I was a nervous wreck I was very young and I just fell into a situation I haven't been in the right place at the right yeah I guess we'll call the right place at the right time and I was going to interview my first child if they were accepting him into the achiever so I spoke to them and I was there before it's very easy if he can read this and we have a thing this is Yeshiva that was a little bit more cool on the modern side the family must be Shabbos and MacBooks sometimes people who apply that that that's a must okay I had my list I can do this no problem they come in and said we just want to tell you up front the mother says my husband isn't I'm ready to run for the hills you know come on this is supposed to be easy anyways Lisa kids how do you say no the mother's about is true that she's really wearing the father was a nice guy he just wasn't holding it yet so I asked and he told me he said you can take the kid up until fourth or fifth grade provided that the father is Shabbos in front of the child provided that he's willing to put on the show you're telling me he said you tell me he's not anti he's just not holding this so if he has to smoke yes he can't do it in front of the child why fourth and fifth grade because if to that age they become smarter and they may see what's going on and then they're going to come in and talk about my father who does this my father does that he didn't say you couldn't take him late longer but you had to re-evaluate in fourth or fifth grade so we made up and the father attacked a really nice guy he said I'm I'm in I'll do it he I didn't expect him he went to shul about a month in he comes into my office he says Rabbi you win I said great would I win I always like to win but what are you talking about so he said the first Shabbos um the first job is I was a little bit of a doctor dick I said okay I'm not giving in and I was gonna go smoke that cigarette so he asked me okay I don't know who's watching this I have to be careful remember when you smoked your first cigarette how you get like sick and it's nothing that's how I felt this I passed out from my from that cigarette it didn't make sense so I took another cigarette I fell down I hurt my head against there's like a metal piece I thought second Shoppers I get in my car I get into an accident third sub is officially I wasn't keeping Shabbos but I did by the fourth service if I'm doing it anyways and I'd like to stay healthy and have my car one piece I became a full swimmer Shabbos and that was how the story went the goddess of the story though was was right around this time of the year quite a few years later I get a call I remember I was driving up to the mountains and there's no one on the other end I hear like breathing I thought it was a prank call and weird first time second time third I was gonna pick it up okay just in case maybe it's I picked it up and someone said I hear get the breathing someone grabs the phone so I grossberg hi it's Mrs so-and-so my husband can't talk we're here in the airport we're sending our shimmy tires as well to learn and I just want to say thank you because if you want to take him in pre-1a in kindergarten whatever it was we would never be in this place now at this point he's going to die he's doing all amazing what he did to me though the Godless of the story is left around when I spoke to the boy he never had any idea that his father wasn't a full-fledged Lamer shops from the beginning that's a father who understands if you want to get a point across you gotta do it right and that's why maybe he was like he really he he gave himself over to it he didn't want to but he understood there's no other way that I can have my child be able Shabbos unless I do that so how do we do it right so there's possibly old throw around it so that you know it's a linchpin of every class okay sounds nice you know it makes sense but how many people really know the Derek of their kid I sometimes ask kids how well do your parents know you it's scary sometimes they laugh I said not so well like the real me the Yeshiva me this very often I have deal with kids that are struggling they come to my office and they're dealing with tremendous pressure because they know that their parents don't know what's really going on with them and they want their parents to know they'd feel more comfortable if their parents knew and this idea of trying to fake is really making it very difficult for them they hold back so we have a I'm reading the parents I tell them I'd like to introduce you to your son and he lays it on the line very often child will say parents will tell me my son does not have a smartphone absolutely not I can be sure I can promise it so I'll suggest maybe he takes it out and puts it on the table set they understand we have to knock it now we might not like what we see but that's not the point the point isn't for us the point is for them and we don't stand a chance unless we really know where they're holding your child has to be comfortable with you because if he's not comfortable with you he'll be comfortable with someone else and you don't know who that other person is going to be you can't choose them let it be comfortable with you let it be that you are the person they want to go to I once had a mother come to me at graduation server growth spirit I've been wanting to ask you this question for four years and I held back because I was worried what the answer would be but now graduation I can ask you why in the world did you not throw my kid out so I told her the truth I said take one look at your kid look at what he does for us he does the sweater he does little fundraising I want to honor this guy at my dinner in about 10 years from now if I throw him out it's not going to work it just you know many yeshivas have that problem you know if only they could that guy who they threw out is now used fear how do we honor him and figure out that we didn't mean it we were joking whatever so I said I kept him because I you know I was looking towards the future but that's really I saw his I have to be honest I used to give him my storm track to to redo this Farm sometimes alphabetical order sometimes by color sometimes by whatever he just that's what he wasn't holding but you know not everyone is built to sit in the classroom and for him this is what he needed but he was great at it when it worked that's why I didn't throw him out and I know and sure enough he's also an ambulance company now two ambulance companies you know it goes it really works we have to understand that not every child is not just something that sounds nice or at Uncle Moishy song it's really something that we have to be prepared both as parents and in the yeshivas ETC to understand that there are different it goes so far like Martin Shabbos says that you have a child that shows that they they're having to tear towards Dom if they're born under a certain semen right so that would make sound like okay forget it we don't stand a chance right no figure out a way make him a doctor make him a Sheikh make them a mile figure out a way to take that natia towards something which could be used in such a negative way something that on the surface we'd right away think of the Tia towards Dom would be a horrible thing figure out a way for him to use it where he can use it properly if you have a child who is just more you know more handy and less sitting in front of a safer than figure out a way to make that for him have him build standards have him do things there's so many other things that we can do but the first step is know the Derek doesn't stand a chance unless you know your kids there and it's up to us to take the time and sometimes we have to realize it's not for us to impose our Mahala on our children however yes every parent wants their child to be just like them assuming they're a good person so who wants their child to be like that that's understandable it's normal it's expected but if they're not doesn't mean you failed doesn't mean you failed it means that you just have to re-calibrate and figure out exactly how you want to get things done so how far do we go then okay so if my kid is really down to learning so maybe like where where does it end right so the truth is I would say you have to make if I can borrow the term from business a course benefit analysis what are you going to get out of this and what are you gonna lose meaning you want your son right now wearing his hat in the street right like typical flat okay whatever you want your son wearing his hat in the street and that's what you do and that's what you expect and that's what you want Etc now if he's not going to do it if you make a big deal out of it what are you gonna get maybe he will maybe he won't but he's definitely not gonna be happy if you're not going to make a big deal out of it and he's going to think to himself hey you know I know my father really wants it and it's really nice that he's leaving me alone I'll cut him some slack maybe I'll wear it maybe I won't I'll just remember that my father would gave me the space sometimes you know the the the famous expression that's so true over here we win the battle but we lose the war so we wanted to battle we got it to we had the longest skirt we got all this and of course these things are we're right we're 100 right but it goes back to do you want to be right do you want to be successful I told the mother she's crying to me that her daughter was wearing clear nail polish told I said look if you've got to make a big deal out of this right now in a year from now you'll be crying about hot pink nail polish a year later she calls me up all right gossberg you were right great about that thrilled it I made a big deal out of it and now she's wearing I just want to be proud of that's nothing you don't always want to be right something you have to think clear might not be so bad again it's hard to hear some people hear this because what you're telling me that I need to give it on my sheets you're telling me that I need to go in a way that the answer sometimes yes look you have to ask your rob you have to have hadraho it's not always so simple we're not talking about big things big things you have red lines that aren't that you don't cross you have certain things that are non-negotiable but for the things that there is space and there is maybe it might be wearing a hat in the street might be something that you as a parent grew up doing and feel that it's the right thing to do but your kid's not doing something wrong if he isn't it's not maybe not exactly your Mahalo but you have to pick your battles pick and choose ultimately where we want we can't make our children into us so how do we get the kids to listen then happens a lot parent comes in you know I'm I'm easy going maishi why don't you talk to me she looks as time because every time I talk to you you scream at me yeah that's true so of course I'm not talking to you you can't have your kids want to speak if you're going to scream with them every time we have to be prepared that we again we might not like everything ultimately that we're going to here and like I said if they're not speaking to you then they're speaking to someone else and you can't always control who that person is so you want to be right or do you want to be successful right is that I tell my son this is how it's going to be and he's gonna kiss my finger in my hand and say Yes tati and go right that's right you're gonna try for that you're not necessarily going to be successful not even sure it's right but okay how do we talk to our children what's the goal when we speak to them So Adam is about a few years ago about five six years ago at the time um I guess I felt at the time that I needed a certain couple or whatever so I decided I was going to be in charge of putting a massifter camp to sleep at night during the summer for something but um and there I was standing I remember on the hill making believe that I was in charge and you know they were nice to me they'd let me believe it whatever and I got a phone call it's one of my students at that time I was the principal in bcaaustin's girls high school for girls that were off and the girl said hi Ravi how are you I said it's one o'clock in the morning I mean I was not surprised but like I was just wondering do you have access to my report cards what here I am standing trying to stop a barbecue and do I have access to your boy I don't know all sorts of things on your phone maybe I said can you ask why you need access to the report cards at this time so well it's a little embarrassing but we ran out of money we're on a trip somewhere and there's a donut store kosher donut to one of the chain one of the chains of kosher and it says if you have an A on your report card you get a free donut well starving is there any way you could get me my report card so the truth is she was right she did have an A and I got to give him credit for you know thinking on their feet impressive I don't know what made me do it it must have been the country air or the barbecues or whatever maybe I just needed you know they say sometimes we all need a little bit of control when things are out of control um I said let me speak to the girl working behind the counter and maybe we can work this out I said hi Robert Roseburg I want you to know these girls I can't get you the report card they're really good kids and they all of them had Ace and they really deserve the donut and to this day I can figure out what possessed me to say it and I said and I'm going to tell them that they need to make a blessing on this donut you're gonna answer amen and she goes a rabbi I know what a broker is I went to Hebrew school Cynthia from Hebrew school somewhere out in in wherever it was um Virginia somewhere was all excited about answering Amen to the brothers that they were going to make and they will I stayed on the line they all made brothers or some male voices some female voice okay you know they've been very very nice cute story to me that wasn't the story though the story was the next morning I woke up and there was a text from one of the girls rebby I said Chris malamita for the first time in three years last night what's that I didn't say a word to Rebecca I said it wasn't even it wasn't a thing it was just she felt a little bit better about herself all of a sudden she knew that she had a review backing her she made a brother she heard it on Main she told me that she was trying to be Makara of Cynthia and I want to say work on yourself first but okay um she just felt like a different person she was treated like a different she felt like a different person and she said Chris malamita this girl is now married living in Lakewood I know it sounds like cliche but her husband's out of Rights but he's been living in Lakewood and uh I'm doing beautifully come a long way from Krispy Kreme never label your child I always tell parents if you know that your kid is struggling with Shabbos never call them a Mahal Chavez never catch them being because now they're in a corner they are now branded in Shabbos there's no reason for them to try that even if they're gonna start keeping Shabbos foreign you know semantics but it makes a difference because once you're branded you're branded once that's who you are that's it there's a famous Mission Yuma and says that they read the Seder to the kind God the Sailor of the I've laid on Yom Kipper in case you forgot it or he never learned it well yes obvious question should be someone who forgot how could it be someone of that stature should be someone who forgot what it is what that light is all about or talks about conflict Nutrition Company the difference between the two bottles was a position that was bought so you didn't necessarily have the hashivas of being a kind God you didn't necessarily know what it meant to be a kind goggle you bought it and they say who was somebody bought for him that's why he had it there's another gamara though that talks about actually talks about that he is responsible for keeping Torah going in Claudia what did he do he saw that it wasn't where it used to be before everyone learned by their parents but he saw that some people whose fathers either were unable to teach their children or there wasn't a father in the picture those kids were completely lost so he instituted the hater system he instituted the idea they have one ready and other tal meet him and he said saved Toyota through those actions who is you know will the real Ruby please stand up who was not Roy to get the kuna godila on his own you have to buy it who was so into learning that you changed around the whole tire situation system for Claudia who was the real one so ritual gives a simple terrorism two different people however I saw Samus says the same one and from hearing people call him the claying goddel over and over and over again he began to look in the mirror and saying God I have to live up to being a kind God over and over and over again hearing it that he's the kind God he grew into being the kind God will by hearing it everyone why do we call little kids sadical I'm assuming unless I'm assuming that it's the same that it's the same idea if we say it enough times they'll believe it right by now everyone knows Nayak was a big Target right okay but where does this whole concept to talk about and it was causing kids in Italy most of the time we're talking about it some kids are a little but it's the idea is if we use these terms they now will grow into it by being called over and over and over again he grew into it and he got it I'll take it a step further maybe that's why he was dafka the one to understand the importance of Arabi he saw that if there's no rebbe there maybe they could have learned by someone else's father they could have listened in but he understood a person can change the life of the student the talmud the child just by calling them and giving them the cover that they need that's why he knew more than anybody what we could accomplish by the way that we treat our children that perception can change a person's life and that's really how it goes people rise to the level of expectation but unfortunately they also sink to the level of expectation if we show that we've given up it's a horrible thing for your child to feel that the parent has given up on them I just saw there's a book that was put out now about uh Rabbi Brockman the manal from Far Rockaway and he said there was a case of someone that was a shy about kicking him out of Yeshiva and at one point he said no we're keeping this boy here we're going to figure out how to make it work we're keeping him here and the remain we're a little upset so how we went what made you change your mind you were ready to kick him out that when I called his parents and said he was being kicked out they didn't give me an inch of complaint they said okay no problem send them home if he doesn't have anyone on his side we can't hold it against him if he has parents that can just accept it without sticking up for their child with outfits coming and trying to make a little bit a little bit of a push for that kid if he doesn't then we need to be here for him and we have to have the backbone every kid needs to feel if they have someone who believes in them I'll tell you something it's interesting a lot of the girls that are struggling I know so they they work with special needs kids and some of them work with animals they're very into the horses and other things Ranch and if you ask them why what's the what's the draw tell you straight what I said you know I've been working with this horse for a year and it never once commented on my second piercing I work with a special needs kid and he hugs me and thinks I'm the greatest thing in the earth even though my hair maybe has different streaks of different colors in it there's no one else that does that and that's why they're attracted to these kids these kids get it it's because they see nothing they see goodness they see it as the kids I'm not saying it's okay to have your hair streaked to have a second piercing everything but at the same time what's our goal is our goal to bring the kid back or is our goal to make a point it's our goal to that we should the child should understand that we love them or is our goal to say my way of the highway have to look at our goal yeah giving in sometimes might feel difficult and might feel like almost wrong but we want to be successful ultimately myself remember Kaplan who was famous rebbe in Philadelphia in Philadelphia he said that he once had a bottle who was really not much and he did have the one thing for those who remember the Yeshiva days there are two people that got it the top guy in the sheer and the guy with the most keys so this guy was even better than the most Keys the key to the soda machine this guy had the key to the soda machine anyway he's falling asleep and so Mendel told him go downstairs open up the soda machine take two cold ice cold cans and hold them against your cheeks and that'll keep you up and cheer the Buffalo looking around it's okay ready set he went and he took the two cans and he sat there and chilled with two cans after she remembers came over to him he gave him a kiss he said you are a talmud most people wouldn't have done this you are the definition of a tablet your Webbie tells you to do something that's difficult your reputation maybe it makes you feel foolish and you did it you're a town now you know I I was able to look into the story to make sure because it just sounds too fairy talish but of course the next day he started striking and learning and everything but it's true it was a game changer for this guy his rebbe chose him in front of everyone you are a Talman this Butler who hadn't had much at slacker before became a Grace of Muslim why because Rabbi showed him you are autonomous there's so many times and so many opportunities that we have to do that with our children and you know something even if it looks funny what I mean by funny you tell a kid who's struggling with Yiddish guide and say wow I'm so amazed you did this now deep down inside I know you're really not amazed because you'd like them to do a lot more but the end of the day they still feel good they still feel good because they know ultimately that you are giving them that that push everyone's from refined Waxman that he was by a a shuhu parlor meeting with her Palms that's all and they made pictures they had before and after pictures so as you can picture they had you know a guy on a surfboard with uh little chains whatever and the next picture is him sitting in a mismatch shagging away and someone with an electric guitar with dreadlocks and whatever and the next picture he's you know all again sitting in the mismatch so if I'm looked at the pictures and he said we shouldn't need the second picture we should be able to look at the first picture and see the second picture within that first picture it's a thief of Art but as Robert as teachers as parents we sometimes need to see beneath the surface we see our kid is dressing in a way that is so clearly not in line with what we want don't look at the exterior yes it's painful for us as parents it is I'm not denying that at all and I'm not saying that it's right but again what's the goal do we want them to get to where they should be there's a famous actor in the Yiddish theater zero Mastel he played um tevya and Fiddler on the Roof I don't know if I lost everybody yet but okay um it's a funny name zero so shot in his name was he grew up in a from home his name was stealth but he was not much in Yeshiva and everyone told them and that's where he got it's a nickname that's why he said if you look at all those things zero Master he decided he said you're calling me a garnish I'll show you I'm the garnish who's now on Broadway or whoever else he is that he's doing that's every time that he did it life I can't say that that's what made him go off today a lot of things that were going on that it was a different time it was difficult all the different answers in Jerusalem it surely didn't help that everyone called him a garnish is so big and so yeah that if you look no one should be online but if you ask a guy your neighbor to Google his name that's will come up that he got that name because everyone thought he was um a garnish everybody was known as a garnish well that well known that it's in his biography but what ended up happening this is who we became what about the concept of the rod spoil the child we going to create a daughter of children if we're talking about all these things about giving in are we going to create a daughter of children who have never got punished that's a that's a scary thought to a certain extent we see that a little bit so the reality is it's revolver says how do you touch the rod most people so the rod can be a look the rod can be a I'm disappointed in you surpassionist it's not what I expected from you that's not the the type of behavior that I see in you the rod doesn't have to be a a patch maybe there is a time for a password there's a Time speak to your roof I'm not going there I'm being taped the only child services coming gift but Lamesa at the end of the day it's not all or nothing it's not either is giving on everything because we're worried our kid might go the other way or you know be tough as nails and insist there's a Mahalo there's a way and every time like we said every situation is different every child is different and if you're honest I get asked all the time but won't my other children see that I'm treating this one down speak to children in different families where the parents really have it right they can relate children you'd be surprised not always not always it's not perfect but they understand why this one is getting more and this one is getting less and this sometimes you have to give certain things to all your kids because you're giving it to one but if it's done by parents that are honestly fair and it's done by parents who it's not just random and they can see and they can and you can explain it right goes back to their parents shouldn't need to explain themselves to their children but maybe if you explain to a child you know we're doing this for slimy because he's struggling okay I could hear that oh I have to explain myself no we're doing this for slimy because that's what we decided and you have to accept that it's not fair it was very hard to expect expect a child to a better child to understand and accept that things are different because I said so there was a time where that worked great again but those days I believe are gone if you feel differently I'm so happy for you you know but generally the um the idea of because I said so doesn't no longer is just that's you know that's that that is not enough your children have to know that you love them hello I'm the parents of course I love them but they have to know it and you can also you have a parent who says I love you all day long to their child and the kid just not feeling it and you can have a kid the father doesn't say once I love you to the child and the kid knows it because you made sure that my my you you warmed up my uh my role for breakfast and you got the cereal that I like and you said you'll give me a ride to Yeshiva so I don't have to walk except all these things I love you it's not just you know that we have to be really ready to show them it makes a difference because let me tell you something if you if the parent if a child rather feels love from the parent you can get away with a lot right you get upset I know that my parent loves me and I could be okay with that I see the time if the time if the time if the time where why is it this parent does it the kids freaking out and this parent does it the kid is not happy but he what's your foundation and you can't stop building a foundation no let me tell you something the kids that are off when all of a sudden parents change and there's love and kids laugh at them behind their back I'm glad they woke up and someone's giving them good advice but they're a couple of years too late can't be that when there's a problem that's when we take out all of our love and all that they have to say I remember I once had I was an eighth grade Webby and I had a um a friend of mine was in the uh I've got the name of the program but learning to become a rebbe and he asked if he could sit in and um observe my class if I haven't been during that class it was a kid who was a little classical he was making the way whatever it was eighth grade and I looked at him I said you know I'll tell you I'll take care of you this year but next year I don't know who's going to be there for you I said I can just see it now I'm gonna get a call I'm gonna come with a map and a bucket I'll map you up and I'll bring you back home in the bucket this friend of mine is sitting there like he just did everything in the books that you're not supposed to do he embarrassed he did he was going crazy like he was so he comes with me by recess controls a little bit and said you know maybe you could have said it differently what I'll tell you what go ask him what he thought about it maybe we'll give him a little bit in the Hummer make him feel a bit better about it he goes over to him he says you know I know where grossberg was very tough on you he goes yeah did your hair was so cool they said about the bucket of the thing so now he's scratching his head maybe he heard it the answer is if to tell me to know that you love them if the kids know that you love them the things that you say and things you're not perfect we all know the kids know we're not perfect but if they doubt us that's when they care I can't tell you how many times I've heard from girls my parents are much more in love with the length of my skirt than me because if I'm wearing a shorter skirt they don't love me and if I'm wearing a lonely skirt they do love me so it's not me it's the skirt the kid's not stupid they pick it up they have to see that we love them for them even if it isn't exactly they're not exactly who we had in mind it wasn't the picture that we always wanted at the end of the day is something that they need to feel and they need to see and they need to know and like revolver says every scream every B rating takes the power of that love and it breaks down that connection I once heard a parent tell me it sounded like a little kid in a park I said I'm sorry like I said just like I'll tell you what the mommy tells the kids who I remember once a kid who throws a kid off a swing and he goes on the swing as well what do you do you see I said I'm sorry I said you sound like you know I'm sorry that's that's for children and even then it's a child if that works I saw the advice with um not any of them that you're probably thinking this goes back in Germany was um I guess a grandfather of um the singer so but he said and it's interesting because the first I heard the first part of the story I had one then also he hit the second part the first one was that as a treat they would get some jelly on their bread instead of plain bread they got jelly on their bread and when one of the kids would misbehave or something they didn't get jelly on the bread sounds a little sharp but okay was that Jack is I guess expected what's the second part of the story that every time that there was one of the kids that didn't have jelly on the bread he didn't take jelly on his bread if his child is not having then I'm not having I'm not giving in well I'm not giving it you you weren't supposed to get but that's how a father shows their love even in a punishment that's how a father shows it's painful for me that's not like this is gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you I don't think that works but that's but that's a father without saying anything while punishing showing the love and that ultimately is the goal we had to spend time with our kids Hashem we live at a time where if you really want it doesn't take much to get hold of it Torah times and you could be at a parlor meeting every night with sushi and carving stations I wanted to write these things down if I remember would have oh everything now with singers and cigar rollers a car I mean it's unbelievable you can have every night of the week but the mindset what about your kids you know and that's also though we live at a time where regardless whether you're in Colorado we're at a time where basically there's a need for two incomes in a family so mothers are homeless fathers are homeless so I I believe it's a little bit of a cop-out I they came up with the term quality time I think quality time is a little bit of a cop-out because so if I do quality time I don't need to do quantity time I hear that sometimes we don't have an option but I think at the same time we have to also be it is quantity also this quantity is how much time you spend and yet you come home you're tired you're still going to learn with your kid you come home and there's a lot going on yeah every night the few nights that you don't have the parliament meeting I had a father tell me one time I'm sorry I can't live with my son I have my daughter Michelle I just didn't sit right with me so we went to a full camera she wants to throw him out he was so upset at the Father which I pretty was pretty much sure he would be otherwise I wouldn't have taken that chance so what are you talking about I said no just learn with your son play blow with your son and then you can go to your Daffy I miss you and this was before it was all online that you could go at any time of the day yeah our learning is important our mentions are important but if we're not going to spend time because I saw this as a secular Source but it's so true spend time with your kids now or you'll be spending a lot of time with them later in the manaus office that's already that's not bad compared to some of the other places you might be spending a lot of time with your kid spend time with him and again it's just it shows what does your Shabbos table look like so I have a lot of kids come to me I hate Shabbos so why do you hate Shabbos describe what Shabbos looks like in your house they describe a father who comes home drunk who's very abusive and they're just like maids serving so I said you don't hate Shabbos you hate dysfunctional families I said don't don't blame Shabbos everybody sounds like an easy target sometimes realize what it is and some of the girl you send them to another house and all of a sudden it opens up something they've never seen before but if we're that family realize the connection is coming from us how we run our Shabbos table how we get excited about mitzvahs and it's you know that it's nice at the end of the day that's a little bit under attack because I remember the days maybe it sounds silly now but I remember the days when we had a contest of my house rolling Wicks who can roll the skinniest Wick if I'd say to my kids such a Consciousness I understand you go to the store and you buy like you know the or you know I remember we used to have like if there wasn't oil all over the carpet it wasn't Hanukkah but now again it's all pre-done previous we lost something with that our kids lost again it's not a bad thing that certainly but they definitely something is definitely lost they don't have it the famous myself with Christ worth is that solid he was told someone who told him that he's not going to make it and he gave him certain codes to certain bank accounts Swiss bank accounts whoever it was he said look I'm definitely not going to see my children his children at that time with America I'm you maybe so better you take it and who knows Clyde's worth searched high and low he never found them one day he's in Manhattan is fundraising and he sees the kid he's not a kid anymore he's an adult he was an accountant the middle income guy and he goes over he's so excited to see him and he says do you know that you're a multi-millionaire it's what you're a multi I mean I have the codes you are multi-millionaire now it was just tell me so this is the question was he a multi-millionaire yesterday he was really the money was his he just didn't know he had it though so was he or wasn't he you really can't say you have it if you don't know about it if we're not teaching our kids the beauty of yiddescribe the connection to karishbar who unfortunately we don't hear about you have kids I'm telling you they can go through 12 years of school they can do rajbiz and Rich visits and riskarovs talk to them about rabbinished I once gave a on that and I heard them Whispering like I'm connecting to God he must be about you he's gonna be like where did that come from but I'm saying like it's just it's so ingrained that we don't talk about but we should and it's up to us as parents sometimes that we're the ones who give that over to our kids will get excited for a Mitzvah that's that's how we give it over was it myself well someone came to him his son was really not well and he wanted a broccoli went to revasner told him check his villain I bought the most the most expensive to fill in that there are you don't have to worry about checking the film it's fine goes by another couple of months kid is still sick results and says again checked it checks the toilet they're perfect okay well it says I wanna I wanna meet the cipher who wrote These two the young guy just starting but he was bamish and he said tell me about your process tell me about what makes you so much so he said let me tell you what I do I don't know anyone else that does this but I go to the mixer before every shame Hashem everyone's writing everything Hashem said isn't that like very time consuming you like you know spending more time so I'll tell you sometimes it is so I just leave out the shame Hashem I fill in all the ones that I left out for those who are unaware puzzle let's film sometimes we have the most murder it looks beautiful on the outside it is the most and really there's nothing on the inside you know I've heard that I remember who the quote is attributed to but you know our grandparents did not have the feeling that we have they didn't have the masses that we have all the different things that we have the big beautiful Silverman hours didn't have anything but believe me they had something much more precious that we're just trying to grasp and to get that connection and Alta Bubba who goes and says that Philo when they put the cake in the oven nowadays we think they send them to a doctor a psychologist they put a cake in the oven but that's how they did I'd say most of the time my grandmother that feels for not answer that I tell you for the cake but but it was it was that type of connection if we can bring that back to our children is so much more there's so much more so with the kids he doesn't go running away he's not going off let me say you know I heard this from one of the kids it said it's so funny they call us off the Derek could someone please tell me what this Derek is maybe I'll go back on if I just hear about it is or one of them goals that we're beyond the Derek but that's whatever do we not are we giving them ultimately that there are we showing them what it is I remember once it was my first year that I was working very well since high school so the girls that were a tough group to say the least and no one warned me so I went in and I comat committed suicide by saying okay for the next 10 minutes we're going to Daven quiet in the room would he just say could someone please set him straight like hello we're off the Derek did you forget like we don't do that girls told me afterwards that they were ready to leave right then they were clown not happy about the fact I remember I'll never forget this line wongo said it's not your fault before I came there was that ladies before they felt that the men maybe would be a little bit more yeah it's not your fault I just want to tell you you're a walking talking trigger you stand for everything that turned us off so good luck with your job okay great but uh so anyways I thought that I have to go to Avid so the running show and put the words in my mouth I can't take any credit for it I said no I didn't mean literally them so the next 10 minutes connect with Ruby you want to write a poem write a poem you want to write your angry right anger is also a connection is someone if you have a co-worker you have nothing to do with do you ever get into a fight with him no because you just say good morning how are you don't have anything to do with him your best friend trust me my girl your best friend you're always fighting with so if you're angry at the revolution that's a sign that has a connection you don't get angry at someone who you're not connected to at all I said be angry write a poem write this write it that whatever you know that they were able to take that they were able to go with I can tell you that by the time the year was over they were all saying sometimes one of all of them it was unbelievable to see somebody saying more someone's saying let's these were girls that were ready to leave when I made that announcement yeah but they were really dominating gonna tell me a poem is Dominic they were connecting and without the connection we don't stand the chance without the connection with that hustle appearance feeling that's beautiful on the outside but sadly sadly missing on the inside I don't mean to start up with every Buck who's a paranasa is it so bad if we clean our own cars I'd love to stand back before you go it's just it's part of it's a rite of passage something we do cleaning cars we're not going to talk about hotels but I'm saying but all these things that we're losing something within all of this that we're not able to give to our children you know you just go through tissue of the nine days I don't see it so much this evening if you see those ads do not suffer these nine days thanks to our powerful menu no you're supposed to suffer these blinders and trust me you go to a power of menu and inflation place you're probably gonna suffer anyways but the would you be done something was supposed to suffered a few years ago I was in Camp and the kid comes over me he says would it be okay if I just take out the backseat of your car because it's pretty low and we consider that tissue above because I really it's gonna be very uncomfortably otherwise always lets me take out the back seat it's supposed to hurt it's supposed to again we could talk about ourselves to be sad supposed to be longing what exactly what I mean but it's definitely not supposed to be something that we just completely do away with I once a summer or two ago I went into one of the rooms with old good buffer was sitting there I hear they're listening to something I said don't worry Robbie it's not music three weeks not even acapella music who was it it was Janko Miller about making jokes that Lamesa was not music that right it wasn't even acapella music but it just showed a lack of connection something's missing that they didn't understand themselves why how that sounded it's the possible the puzzle the feeling that are beautiful on the outside and still missing on the inside it has to with our diving it has to do with our Phyllis I'll end with this I've been accused by my students that I usually say that three times before I actually end but I think we'll have to end with this just apply to put it all in perspective try I've added filler is huge there's no uh there are times where I think one time is personally some of the best parenting advice I ever had so you do what you can and when you can't like put things to there's two different categories things you can control and things you can't control the things you can control control the things that you can control that's why there's a third shotif that's a third sort of no it's time everybody's on that you need to take over and fix this that's for the third shot of understand certain things we can't control if we try to control things that we can't control we usually make them worse no we always make them worse if we try to do that this will be ad Hashem and that's why it feels so important I remember once I was going to speak to a group of mothers of off the Daryl kids and one of those mothers had a kid in the school so I went to I said I'm gonna be speaking to your mother tonight what should I tell her so the first thing he says tell her I should be able to do whatever I want now really which I tell you and she looked at me very seriously he says tell her I love her because she's great isn't that so beautiful and then for a second I said one sec it's beautiful but if you really love her put some clothes on go home take care of the baby and stop this Irish guy like what do you mean you really love her yeah but she really meant it and it hit me I can't apply logic to a totally illogical situation yeah we'll look at this logically logically if you love your mother you should be there's so many different forces at work over here we need as parents to accept that we're not in control not that our kids are in control but there are forces that are in control whether it be friends whether it be lack of self-confidence whatever it might be and of course we can try and we can work and we do that but realize we can't try to yes logically if we do everything right everything should be okay we learn with our kids do all these things logically it should be good we have to understand sometimes that there are no logic and when there's no logic that's when we go to the third truth thank you very much you're tired as much as possible by grossberg it's an inspiring Russia Westside helps sponsor one of the shirim and helper Ian shrutara bring the serum to the zebra call it 718-851-865.com to have this great opportunity family for sponsoring tonight is compatible for the support for tonight's most appearance there's a cat's welcome for coming in Canada