Intimacy in Marriage with Rabbi Gedaliah Gurfein

[Music] all right so but some of my friends who know me for a while this class will be head and shoulders by far crazier more wilder more out-of-the-box than ever probably the last time that I'll ever be invited back to this shul to speak maybe even publicly allowed to speak ever again so I just want to thank you all and let you know it's been really nice and square for the times we've had but uh and also might tell you I mean what I understood from Reb Aaron with this class was supposed to be was kind of like I don't know singles mixer I doubt that but something to deal with the whole idea of marriage and family and dating and things of this nature and so on and I thought to myself I thought I'm probably the worst person in the world I mean I've been divorced twice you know I'm like well like I've been in so many different Jewish and non-jewish worlds and so I I can't imagine I guess maybe what I'll do is I'll present the class and what not to do that I could really be very very good at on how not to be and you know how to surefire a divorce and so on because I was really good that until God sent the real angel who miraculously I'm now married over 20 years which to me I'm only 20 years old so it's hard to but anyhow it's that's why I kind of find it funny so I stood up to the challenge and I'm here and tell you what we're gonna do because as some of you know I'm obsessed with this project that has just gone live a few weeks ago and for those of you that don't know it I'll just bore the rest of you for two seconds I've been working on something for thirty years and that is I believe that we have a national treasure called the Talmud and 95 percent of the Jewish people are totally disenchanted with it have no connection to it and doesn't mean anything to them and that's a shame so I built the world's first ever Tom hooded primer the idea is not a translation of the Gomorrah it's an outrage the more I extracted 7,000 concepts in the bubbly you've shot me from Brujo till the end of Neeta I built 3500 links for finding the information and allowing yourself a really really cool form of navigation built a website where the third-generation atheist merits left-wing secular lady from bits Allah and a great Russian hacker programmer and we went live a couple of weeks ago at the g8 booth and the GA booth are our thing that's called the people's Tom wood and part of the painting on the walls were like pictures of Mick Jagger Neil Young rebbi akiva they're all on the wall and we had everybody from hasidim Lithuanians to rabbi women - you know this one Japanese woman who the picture yes or our fat on the wall caught her and she said oh my friend yes I've had two invited me to his house I think my first time from Japan and so you never ever know where you could fish and pull a neshama and share a little light with it so that having been said on the website having gone live in the jerusalem post doing the brokest shem a wonderful reception for it has left me super busy and really if it wasn't for a bar and i don't think i didn't be here right now because i'm so inundated with the stuff I have to do so what I did is I use this as an excuse to show and share you as well in the video that the beauty of what the people's Talmud could show you is a broad stroke vision that the sages try to teach us that unless you have the breadth of what the Talmud has to offer you'll never see it you know you might and I did I spent many years in you Shiva and I'm very thankful for every minute of it drilling down on particular gamora's and learning ian which I love and going through shops my son what is the definition of a space maker etc etc etc but then I realized I liked the majority of the Talmud whoever even learned it you know what had these little waiting guys coming over to the booth these two guys never the hardest the precedium were totally cool about everything but forgive me just workman that guy just tell this one story so I realized because you know my backgrounds on hi-tech I've spent a lot of time and technology and it shows to me the booth is like a goal and you're the goalie you know and you gotta like and shot to come in from all over have to be ready to block everything right so so they I was in a Jewish world which I'm not used to being in it was a whole different kind of experience but when I saw these two guys wear their hats coming in I could feel the body energy and I'm realizing okay Shania Sorrell if they're gonna like crucify me on a mug and of it where I was like toast and they come over there very nice but very you know as they saying Hebrew just to say right and I said so I had to realize to some basketball player my whole life how to move the ball around from the right to the left and come up from behind so right away I said well you know this is outreach okay that already the guns went a little bit down because outreach you allowed to do anything you know then headed throughout some of my Shiva credentials which meant I was now a total epic chorus because there's no longer part of that or I was completely undercover and that was cool I wasn't sure yet what but they were a little bit more gentle and starry explains him like you know what's this all about and I said well you guys you Shiva guys probably never learned you shall become alright so I said let's take a look and one of the things we have in the system are called one line teasers and the purpose of the teaser is to give you go what pot and then you click on it and then you've come to the narration and if you want to see the actual gloom or we partnered with Safari yeah you click on that and it'll open up the Gomorrah fine and many other things so so let's take a look at the good more at the mine because I knew that it'd be kind of like you know you play chess you feed a pawn and then when they go BAM to come crashing in with you so I fed him the pawn and I knew there'd be this one line that would catch their eye and it was and it was called rabbinic food fight and I saw the two of them both jumped back like you know any doctor hits your knee the way that right they jump that way I can almost see the cutter sean has a show everybody knows us to to throw food which isn't really correct because the Goodman it defines only food which will disintegrate can you not throw but there many Sparty homes when they cut the hell on jobs they actually throw the pieces to the people at the table it's like to see with my own eyes but anyhow that was their body language so someone let's take a look at it I say how about this is ready we're done uh see but you from him was was he okay right and Rubio see right he was pretty heavy 380 hitter right so here they are and what's happening they're at a table and they don't hold as they say in yeshiva vernacular they don't hope from the my sir of the Bala bite of the host now I know if you've ever seen this but I've seen this where people will come over to somebody's house and very politely and hopefully that you won't notice it they don't trust that you might sir your food correctly so very subtly they'll move their knife against the piece and push a few to the side while mumbling something hoping you might not see that so that's what Rebbe did Rebbe starts to push a little to the side now however there was a guy across the table who hated ready which is hard to imagine but that's what he was and he was sitting next to the homeowner and he says quick quick look what Rebbe is doing he doesn't hold from your Heckscher and when the guy looks ready being of course lightning-fast understood what was happening picked up food and threw it at Rebbe I see the B or C catches on right away throws the food right back at ready and so the ball of biases ah they're just having a food fight and of course rebbe reb you were only throwing exactly the amount of food that they planted to my sir but think about what's going on here the ball of biotin Sahasra sharla bread is having a food fight the fact that Rebbe was having a food fight didn't even blink an eye in fact that was that was okay just one of those rabbis having another one those food fights which is an amazing kind of a thought if you were actually to think about the Gomorrah so these cases well it's an amazing I said yeah if you don't believe me click we opened up Safari and there was the actual language but the more read it for yourself so they said yeah that's really incredible I said no you know it's really incredible right now and this class included you've just learned a little bit of you shall me don't mine when would that happen in your life so that's what the people is Tom with us and so I thought you know one of the things I did and breaking down access to this information here we go into this very for over eighteen year old only audience one of the selections is called one of the head categories because their categories and sub-categories is called marriage and relationship so I thought that would be a great since that's where it's supposed to be about the subtitle of which there are many subtitles I was gonna do the one on the shared but yeah I thought I'm just gonna go for it so this one is actually called intimacy sex intercourse and marital relationship all the kind of things that gonna Bend you out of shape and make you feel uncomfortable but it shouldn't and that's what I hope the class is going to share I'm gonna take a few minutes I've created kind of an aerial trip we're gonna begin with the girl or bro Haute and we're gonna land at the end in the Gordon e dot I'll quote the sources so if you want to write them down and see that I didn't quote them correctly you're welcome to and I'm gonna show you kind of a paint brush stroke as to how important intimacy and the beauty of marriage in lovemaking is all about because I think that what happens and what's happening now in our generation and I don't try to go into Kabbalah especially not what I mean on video but I will share with you something a little bit that I've learned which is why there is this whole collapse of sexual morale on every possible angle from rabbis getting caught in Fiasco's to horrible situations here's or whatever I don't even need to tell you you know more about it than I do and the reason is is because in Kabbalah we know that the whole process of creation is a kurdish burro who on the level of Tector on the level of the crowned wishes to place the crown on the bless you wishes to place the crown on the head of the queen or the princess and the queen is called Melwood she's the kingdom and so therefore the Kremlin has to come down through these ten various levels until the crown sits on top of mullet and so the last barrier before the crown can actually reach the level of mouth with his soda which is Yosef Haj Siddiq notice he's not called Yosef Avadh or all the other terminology Yosef is the only one called Sadiq the righteous one because the ultimate battlefront for holiness is in the sexual arena and so therefore Yosef becomes the Siddiq because he is that last threshold which is why there's also mushiya pan Yosef before machine up and oven because this is a double process the process of kedusha in the face of insanity and also then the thought process of resolution which is King David which is the ultimate machine but this Barbie comes right before you Mota mushiya is going to be this complete chaos of the relationship and holiness between man and woman and this is also based on the idea of so from a cinema cache of Aquila that the last thing a person does is the first thing a person thought about so to punish berroco the first commandment of the creation of the human as man and woman together called man meaning as human was to be fruitful and multiply so therefore the very first thing that God said to man was about intimacy so therefore the very last thing will be the final battle front on that world of intimacy and therefore that will make getting married very difficult having relationships staying married all of these other things if this will be the war before the final resolution of when man and woman will be able to reunite in the joy and holiness and so therefore I think that part of our struggle is not only the period of time that we're in in dealing with what we have to deal with but it's also that we've lost a knowledge as to what a marriage is all about Reb Hamza from Barbara Howe is one of the rest receivers of the Lakewood in America he once asked I always love the math here it's like of the three forefathers is that seven any of so of the 'vote right which couple had the ultimate love and his answer was yet Scotland it's nothing rifki why because it says that it's not only loved her after they were married right Yakko what's that yes right by Yakko if he saw Raquel he loved her immediately but by its got to love what and I'm sorry we don't know because they're already on the scene married but by yitzhak it's only love after marriage it's so anti Hollywood it's so not about falling in love it's about elevating in love it's about all of a sudden now you're not marrying a fantasy or an image anytime's of which we're really just looking for someone to reflect our own ego but rather you actually see this other this other being be it male or female depending on who you are and suddenly appreciating the other and becoming one with the other this is an amazing thing and when you really see the other as for who they are then you will see in them also the sella mellow team that they too are carrying a unique spark of creation from God and therefore no matter what of course there are problems and arguments and all the rest of it but the panini as the interconnection begins to come together where these two selam aleykum create the Seamus gem this creates real love and it's something that people have to work for it's not given to them it's something that through their work and continuation and applying themselves together overcoming their struggles that that beauty comes together so that's what I would like to share with you tonight to run through the 725 different quotes I brought in in the skating but I says I must tell you whether you let those pupils tell me I hope that you guys will go is that people's Talmud calm and we only have the first Seder observant up so far but I'm working as fast as I can but you'll see after a while it's like a freaking one-armed bandit because you're gonna drop in your request and we cook a little computer like there's a sheet on the side and suddenly all these like you know sources are going to come out and that's that's kind of the problem I had so many sources come in here until the morning so I try to trim them down and to try to build a little thought just that at least tonight we can have some sort of a different look at intimacy between male and woman of male and female in terms of what marriage can really offer so the first one I begin because we're going to according to the order of the gloom or by the way there are maybe 10 times more of what I didn't bring then I did bring so this is just a little taste if you will the glory Brock Holt on 22a says the tour of the Talmud emphasizes the importance Mutie and desirability of love and lovemaking between a husband and a nevertheless the gomorrah says that scholars are caution to exercise self-control and not hang around their wives like roosters now what is this Gomorrah talking about right so we know that a rooster is always the classic example of sexual passion maybe you don't know that the gomorrah says that how do you know if eggs are fertilized if there's a rooster in town and right and the more goes that roosters are so you know into their job if you will that the gomorrah says that even if there's a bridge over a river the rooster will risk its life to cross it to make sure that it's like you know able to fulfill the wills of the ends if you look but the point of it is is that you see here the first point that gomorrah begins with is the natural acknowledgment of male passion it's healthy it's fine and in fact if you notice tomorrow only qualifies it by atomic haha because automata is no different than any other man hopefully and therefore probably shares the same passion to be with his wife as any healthy male would and should but he has to be aware that he has to be able to control himself maybe a little bit more than his average bear so that he's able to have more time or more vision in other situations as we'll see later than merely being connected to his wife on such a level bravo fifty seven eight I call this one the a bit of an Eau de piss complex and wet dreams okay that's probably at this point now the Karem has just officially been but this is the Gomora you know i mean it says i'm just quoting you big amorous be good we're here if you probably many of your familiar the last parrot can brought one of my favorite is dream interpretation so how many times are people especially little kids when they have no ideas and so on are made to feel bad and so on about how could you even flip even you have such a thought come or doesn't do that but you want to tells you that in the world the dreams things that you see have no necessarily relationship to even what they're talking about so voila the de Moura says that if a person sees himself in a dream having sex with his mother it will increase understanding it'll have be not you Tara if a person sees himself in a dream having sex with his sister it will increase his dot his knowledge and if a person has a dream of having sex with a young engaged woman he will a merit to study a lot of Torah and last but not least the Talmud says that someone who sees himself in a dream having sex with a married woman but quickly qualifies not a marrying woman that you know or that one that you were thinking about how special Oh such a person will know he's going to heaven it's an amazing idea dream interpretation images which may have made a person come to feel guilty or bad or who knows what the sages are showing us as the Zohar says there is nothing in creation that doesn't have the potential to be converted into a mitzvah everything is saturated with the holiness of God and so therefore even these things which maybe a person would never even tell they had such a dream the Gomorrah and black and white puts it out there don't be afraid of these things because all of these things and what they symbolize on much deeper levels are really levels of elevation in fact in many places in the writings of more on the mystical writings sexual immorality is referred to as fallen peasant that the idea for sexual purity and sexual joys are blessing from God and it's abuse or misuse is like dropping the blessing that Hashem gave us so here too is showing this as a level that even in the level of dreams which is Freud would have a you know field day with these are things that can be elevated into the most amazing amount of holy things bravo 68 sexually pleasing your partner determines the baby's gender this tomorrow actually appears a few times throughout shots it's felt like baby shopping if you will the Talmud says that if the man climaxes first the couple will have a girl if the woman climaxes first they will have a boy this is explained that since a man would rather have a boy he is rewarded with one for having sought his wife's happiness first and since a woman would rather have a girl she is rewarded with having sought her husband's happiness first right so therefore imagine lovemaking where each party is only interested in the other party's happiness this is cos al writes this over and over and over again in fact even you could look at the room or in the intial Canora in heaven ezra where he uses the language that a husband should approach his wife sexually as if he's paying her a debt he owes her in other words the truth be told unfortunately so tough so often especially in a culture that we are immersed in sexuality is all about me it's what's gonna turn me on what's gonna give me pleasure and happiness but here's the ironing if you focus on your partner and all you're gonna think about is his or her happiness unless you're making love to a mannequin in a store window that person's love where is that to energy did it go if not back to you so the irony of it at all is by being selfless selfless you actually gonna be much happier than by being selfish which the other party can sense that as well and it's an unfortunate and a horrible situation because here's a situation talking about bonding and unifying each one focusing on giving to the other now he moves through born Shabbat and 13a in a Jewish marriage there are many times of the month when couples are not permitted to have intimate relations nor even put themselves into situations which may lead to such relations there are many ideas behind this such as and I think this is a beautiful idea it's such a novel concept from our sages giving a wife her space recreating a desire focusing the bonding on other aspects of their marriage and much more so these times which we call the period of need ah which is that one is pushed away from the other are really not you know there's some tribes in Africa when a woman has Natasha she's demonic and who knows what I don't even go into that but from the Jewish point of view not at all its absence makes the heart grow fonder it's like every single time a woman comes back from her mikvah it's like having many marriage getting married 12 times a year every single year and it's also about understanding that especially for men that women are not the property of men women surprise are human beings uh-oh where'd that idea come from women are human beings and these are when a woman agrees not the word agrees right that's fundamental in Jewish marriage when a woman agrees to marry a man he should bow on the ground to her she's willing to basically shut off her life shut off other men and focus on you Wow that's pretty awesome right that's pretty amazing this human being is saying yes I'm willing to commit my life to you that's an incredible statement and that's really something to be respected but that person as a woman is also entitled to her own space and the sages guarantee that here the talmud discusses if a husband made this decide love by the way sometimes I have a feeling that the the Gomorrah Judaism and what we know today are not necessarily the same religion well obviously we have to understand that our sages have brought this forward and what we do today is actually a reflection of the needs of our generation but when you see the gap from where these ideas came from it's quite amazing because we know for example in a religious home today that often the couple will have separate beds for modesty reasons and also for reasons in terms of family purity but look at the question that Gomorrah asks the number two asks tamo discusses have a husband may sleep next to his wife during their time of prohibition if they're both wearing pajamas right and since Y since Jewish couples normally sleep naked arm-in-arm it's right there due tomorrow not making it up Talbot answer's no because during the time they are prohibited to be together this is the language of the Gomorrah she is seen as another man's wife of course she is not available to any other men but the image drives home the point that just like the husband would never dream of sleeping next to another man's wife even with pajamas that is how much he needs to respect his wife's space and pride see during this time the more Shabbos 140 be the woman's body redefined the wife's rights include sexual pleasure from her husband we always think especially as men but going into a marriage is all about right and we even call it it is expression the Gomorrah is called pass which is a word for bread bassam and one has bread in their basket that's a the idea of a married man that if he has a Yeats of hora or are actually called year to Tov then there's a woman who's impermissible to him his wife right which in fact the Yiddish if a man's not married then it's called pasta nisht but leave that aside anyhow so the truth is from the sages point of view sexual pleasure is the woman's right it's the wife's right as we'll see a lot more in the doorway board so the more says that rep is though offered his daughters advice on how to endear how to be endeared to their husbands be modest in front of them eat gracefully I love this one avoid herbs at night because they create bad breath just like I mean I don't know if you know who replicas it is I certainly don't know but all I know is if it is they walk in the door now we would evaporate because we wouldn't be able to exist in the presence of such a man and here you think that a holy man is only involved in narubu you know how the Zehra on pink connects to and so on and so on and yet he's telling us by the way just be careful the bad breath thing when you go to bed at night it's got a little bit of a turn-off I just think it's so absolutely beautiful because it means everything within the 360-degree spectrum of the world of creation can be elevated from holiness and so he offered his advice to his dolorous how to make love with her husband's while maximizing their pleasure because included in a wife's rights were to assure her sexual pleasure when she's with her husband in many cultures the words for sexual intimacy and the various sexual organs of the body reflect the dignity or the disgrace about such behavior I mean I don't yeah lot of things I used to do in some of my classes I would ask people in the room said has anybody by show of him and you don't you have cameras on me but make sure has anybody ever ever watched pornography and nobody ever puts up their hand it's incredible a multi-billion dollar industry and nobody watches it how does that work that's incredible right nobody watches pornography but it's like one of the biggest industries in the world mm-hmm but the problem with pornography among many many problems it's it steals your life because it puts you into such a false world of myth that you lose touch with the actual beauty that occurs for hope created for what a real relationship of a man and a woman on all levels of intimacy physical intimacy is extremely important but emotional intimacy is even more important how do you have emotional intimacy when a person's destroyed themselves through this facade of what life is really not all about and not only that how's it translated into culture how many things do men especially send to each other it was a young yup kind of funny thing about making fun of holiness and sexual relationships and families and things because it's kind of hey hey I'm one of the guys what a shame what kind of terminology do you live in in a society when refers to parts of the sexual organs or parts of God who made our body with with disgusting terminology and when you look at the terminology as you'll see in two more seconds that our sages use about our body you realize that our bodies are created by God and they're beautiful and they're sanctified and there's made to have pleasure but pleasure inside the Garden of Eden not outside the Garden of Eden so in honor of a woman's body I'm sorry in honor of a woman's beauty and her body the talmud offers terms for a woman's breasts as pearls and for her private part as oven the talmud rather than deny or ignore understands the natural attraction most men have to women's breasts instead of allowing her to be reduced to an object of amour desire they are called pearls to show to show their great beauty as well as their great wealth and like well they belong only to the proper owner the woman as the term oven brings the focus two points one that unlike man woman is a closer partner with God and she has the apparatus given by God in which she can create human life and Jewish thought not only is there nothing vulgar or off-putting about a woman's private parts but in the proper perspective such a term creates endearment and respect the oven is also seen as the backbone of the home and the family in this sense not all intimacy is only about becoming pregnant it is also about building and binding through real love as such the oven in this sense is what provides that love and care to her husband when he becomes attached both physically emotionally and spiritually with his wife by the way in other literature more on the mystical literature another term that's used about a woman's private place it's actually the name of God called Hakam the place it's the only part of the male/female body where God ascribes God's name - part of the beam because that is like entering the Holy of Holies of the beit hamikdash and if it's done in the right way the souls that can be brought down into this world can be the highest most elevating souls I mean at least especially I'm not to speak god forever about other nations and religions but at least about Jewish women when a Jewish woman walks around pregnant she's in the lottery that maybe she's got machine that's an amazing thing I mean it was very crazy about the 1.6 billion dollar lottery you know if somebody said the winner never showed up cuz they died of a heart attack with it I don't know they won but I mean you know let's 1.6 billion dollars those gonna remember that bozo in another 50 years but you were the mother machine you were the mother Rebbe Akiva Hubert I mean you were the mother of Hillel that's an amazing thing and so it deserves that awareness and that that respect as well Shabbos 1:52 a the talmud says that the lustful woman defies logic still the talmud says that the nothing like healthy lovemaking to bring peace into the home the Talmud says this is because the joy of a husband's heart is his wife the couple's heritage is their children and the glory of his face is his beard nonetheless the Talmud cautious that excessive lovemaking in one's youth will blacken his faith in old age and a life of immorality brings on old age quickly arrogance 63 B the Talmud wants a person to be careful not to interfere with married couples being able to share intimacy Talmud says that such a person will refer to by the words of the Navi of the Prophet as one who chases many wives from their house of pleasure this this is what the Gomorrah Gomorrah specially nothing more it's the nabhi the Prophet uses the language of a husband and wife in their intimacy as a house of pleasure it is very beautiful to see that a happy marriage views its moment of intimacy as the house of pleasure it is important to note that in Jewish thought holy intimacy between a husband and wife has never been viewed as a human weakness or ugly but rather is both beautiful and a god-given pleasure to man Iravan 100 B there is no room now flip to the negative there's no room in Judaism for wife rape god forbid anything I remember this is obviously this is recorded to come or thousands of years ago but this has always been Jewish hallo ha I mean there were not many societies that were defending wife rape in marriage even today so here we are this has always been fundamental Judaism atala makes it clear that under no circumstances may a husband forces wife to have intimacy and if he does there could come to be children born with real personality problems in contrast if a husband wants to have boys he should have relationships with his wife twice in the same night but only with her consent the Talmud adds that a wife hints for intimacy with her heart while the husband asks directly with his mouth the Talmud adds that once time for a wife's desire to be the strongest is when her husband is getting ready to leave on a trip mowing cuttin 23-8 what is called a really long time without sex right good Morris dealing with real life but as an answer Talmud says that a really long time without sex is called 30 days and here I actually wrote a little joke because I didn't want to be too heavy all the time sudden if you know this joke you'll edit it out later anyhow but the doke is there's a professor teaching sex education at university and he you know it's got hundreds of students there and he asks his students he says how many people have had sex in the last week and a lot of hands go up and how many people haven't had sex for the last couple of months and a few hands go up and so and so until finally says how many people haven't had sex how only have sex once a year it's one guy in the very back room he's waving like crazy the professor says hey listen she only having sex once a year why are you so excited it's tonight yes so sorry so come on 5b the art of making love the Talmud says that a man's excessive chitchat in the bedroom with his wife will be played back in the next world yet the Talmud teaches that the rabbinic approach to lovemaking is about being playful conversational foreplay and intimacy with passion as you'll see in a few more minutes in fact the Gomorrah says that Rivka Hana got this this is wake up time the Gomorrah says that Rivka Hana snuck under the bed of ruff to learn how Rob made love to his wife yes and he says and he discovered that the art of making love includes joy and laughter and lovemaking like a hungry man you've almost won 11 B the Thomas says that normally a married man can hold himself back from relationships with his wife up to 30 days marital intimacy is a huge subject among the Talmudic sages as we're seeing here tonight on the one hand intimacy is seen as the right of the wife for example a husband cannot force his wife to be with him on the other hand the sages recognized a clear biological need of the husband that if he doesn't find love at home god forbid it could lead him to find satisfication outside of the home therefore it is left to a wise wife to be sensitive to her husband's needs as well as her own still there are times when intimacy is mandated such as on the night of a return from the mikveh or other times when it is encouraged on Shabbos of Shabbat night and a woman who uses sex as a weapon against her husband has given him grounds for a divorce marriage is seen as an opportunity for a couple to express true love not as a prison for people to suffer ketubah for be the torment the Torah the Talmud put great emphasis on the need for authentic intimacy between a married couple and how important it is for them to be close and shared joy to this extent that element makes it clear that a couple that live in the same home but not in the same bed is not called for the wife being with him can to about 63 a sex is not a weapon if a woman claims she has a headache don't get nervous ladies it's gonna go both ways here but if the starts off this way if a wife claims she has a headache so as not to be intimate with her husband there is a fine in court for that the Talmud says that if a wife refuses to have sexual relations with her husband she loses a certain of money amount the money from her ketubah each time this happens of course if you sort of played that out it's caring you know awkward like you're coming into like you know the bet din is like you know I feel like well your dad's about $3,250 mrs. Schwartz you know all right but the practical side is quite humorous but we'll leave that for Saturday Night Live on the other hand if a husband claims he has a headache ah voila the tables get turned so as not to be with his wife there's a fine in court for if a husband refuses to have sexual intercourse with his wife the court adds a certain amount of money each time to ascribe Suba credible I mean incredible this would be incredible today if this is thousands of years ago because it's really got its finger on the pulse of real human intimacy and relationships and only when you really focus on what's really real can you come to what's real joint and real happiness so the more continues and says that if a wife says she wants to stay married but refuses to be intimate with her husband so as to torture him the court will make a public Proclamation to embarrass her on the other hand the Talmud says that a wife is willing to waive collecting her marriage contract we call the ketubah and demand a divorce because she finds her husband repulsive then the court will stand behind her and force him to divorce her it's important to remember that the ketubah the marriage contract is to help the wife against her husband divorcing her on a whim since he would have to pay her money written in the contract but if the woman wants the divorce then the reason for the ketubah falls away since she would not have to pay him Nidoran 20b love and sex it's a package deal there isn't one without the other marital intimacy without love is immoral even a husband's diminishing love of his wife by thinking of another woman while making love to his wife is brought as an example of a violation of the Torah prohibition do not go after your heart the top which is what we say of course in Kriya Schmoe the Talmud says that intimacy and purity during lovemaking between a married couple can bring beautiful looking children toddler goes further in saying that a consenting married couple should enjoy their lovemaking without extreme without restrictions like cooking meat or enjoying fish the Talmud stays that a husband should make love with passion of a demon to satisfy his wife's desire yes that that may be us what Mick Jagger was talking about sympathy for the devil but I'm not really sure but it's amazing really amazing are you doing about this you know make anything else I mean look I want I want you pilot that was even I don't know what I have anymore but I'm gonna become a Picasso but I was once even I'm never like in the Shiva world you know you deal with the Soviet you pull it apart it's not just oh yeah we're not like Dogma you know it's like you pull it apart to understand you go down to the analysis and whatever this one is that all the rest of that but when you if you were to just apply the same kind of thought this would mean if you really wanted to do this as we say in yeshiva vernacular Lum dish ly if you really want to get down to the sugi as we would say so a it would mean you have to know where the demon is right because how could you make love with the passion of a demon if you don't even know what a demon is just referring to a class I once came in this very room yeah exactly yeah it's my it was our Halloween special so if you know what a demon is then you can understand what the passion of a demon is or at least imagine what it is but this is amazing that the Casal are using the demon as a reference to the passion that a man should set out to satisfy his wife's desires not this satisfy his desires doesn't say be a demon it says act like a demon and making sure that your wife is happy in fact the Talmud brings cases to show the permissibility well I'm gonna leave that part off the counter never mind okay that's for the only out over 60 crowd okay which I'm proud man by the way I turned 64 this year and my wonderful wife gave me a birthday card and it had on it was like a picture of the Beatles I'm gonna open it to say yes as a reference to will you still need me will you still feed me when you're 64 so I was exactly okay here we go so the Gamora oh sorry yes Limor brings nine examples of where intimacy between a husband and a wife could actually damage the nature of a child that would be born from such an event a wife who consents to intimacy with a husband from fear or he rapes her or hurts her as an aside I think we saw him any more mentions here as well a wife can go to a Jewish court and collect damages from her husband if you heard sir during intimacy and will see later the Kumar says even if he didn't mean to be if she is a hated wife see a wife who is in mourning or has been excommunicated D if the husband's thoughts were on another woman e if they are in the middle of a fight or F if the husband or wife are so drink and I added stoned so that they are unaware of what is happening G a wife whose husband is planning to divorce her or H a divorced woman who married another man within three months of her divorce and the last example or wife would demand sex on this last point the Talmud suggests that a wife should solicit her husband with suggestive hints but not with explicit words and gestures and from this they will have wonderful children the Tamil to--let's about rabbis who were so holy they look like angels and were born as such beautiful children because their parents made love and holiness so 221b I call this one cold cash or hot love Thomas says that a woman would rather have her husband be bring home less money but be available to make love than to bring home more money but be travelling overseas all the time so I posted that one on the Facebook I want to see what kind of comments I got back on that to see as I write here I said you know what would the Jewish woman 2,000 years later have to say about this so I quoted two women one woman who said she's from a Torah household said when asked about this good more she said I'll say that my husband had several opportunities to make substantially more money but he would had to have traveled 75 to 90% of his work week we mutually decided his presence at home was more important than a cushy lifestyle however another housewife wrote I think nowadays women would prefer cold cash to hot love just my humble opinion that's how she's like that Oh give me money okay nevermind getting 25 B the Talbots ultimate pick-up line this is really well but again guys hey this is to Cumorah this is your sages your family our family has has been handed down and not accessible unfortunately to 95% of our nation so here's the Talmud's ultimate pick up line and I just sort of elaborate and every culture in the world men are always wondering how to ask a woman out for a date some cultures are more aggressive in their approach which I will just say it as a side point Finland it's actually the women that go into the bars and pick up the guys it's quite an unusual experience and some are very formal although this is not a line the Talmud would suggest underlined disclaimer you would not suggest using it it does mention this in the context of there are those who are willing to try anything so the line is where the man says to the woman this is verbatim from the Gomora how about we have sex now and if it turns out afterwards my father approves of you then we will be married how's that for the ultimate pickup line the talmud says that according to one opinion even if the father did not approve they would still be married because at least in those days a man would not want to be involved in lewd behavior and therefore the assumption is that his intimacy was actually a form of consummating the marriage however there is another opinion that only if the father later agrees wasn't a valid act of marriage according to this opinion therefore it would appear that there's a concept of retroactive marriage Baba kama 32a throughout the Talmud there are numerous sources discussing the respect and care a husband must show his wife the Talmud highlights that a husband by no stretch of the imagination owns his wife's body nor may use her body simply for his own sexual needs without her consent the talam ensures the wife's rights by stating that her husband has to pay her damages if he hurts her during lovemaking even if they were engaged in this act with her full consent and other Jewish text is mentioned that God will not forgive a husband who hits his wife little more Neda and we're kind of winding down here a little bit in 5a the Gomorrah there says the uses different endearing phrases for intimacy between a married couple right we saw the terminology for the woman's body now terminology we could use Jewish terminology for the intimacy of a married couple one such example quoted here is quote she is in a rush to get home I'm just gonna let your mind deal with that the mission is a little bit later on eleven a brings another term of endearing for intimacy which is serving her house Nita in 12 a sexual intimacy between a married couple is all about being present with each other as such the Talmud makes it clear that the Torah prohibits intimacy with the one's wife as she is asleep on the next page 12 B the Talmud continues that sexual intimacy between a couple is very sensitive issue men and women by their nature approached the moment in different ways since the male nature may be more influenced by visual stimulation than a woman the Talmud advises a wife to be careful not to do something just before intimacy that might be god forbid repulsive to her husband and ruin the moment buta more in Nita on 31a says no this is great family not that the others weren't but let this to me this is I don't know you guys must have somebody here must have grown up a Bugs Bunny so one of my favorite ma for SH Bugs Bunny's was bubs would be in the middle of the desert there's nothing but a door in a doorframe that's all there is it's just the door and bugs would go and he'd open up the door ran out a train would come flying through and flatten him that's what the doors like if you just allow yourself to jump in and start moving around every few minutes something's gonna pop out does still employ your mind for example before I give away the good more let's run this back a little bit everybody here I'm assuming it's familiar with the biblical story of Bill and all of you probably know that Bill o was blind in one eye this has also a lot to do with the idea of Mayan Hara which is closing one eye and so on and and whatever a villain was able to access to men but leaving all that aside if you have a little bit more NIDA and if you have that don't yell out the answer how did you lose that I never wonder I mean it was like a knife fight when he was a kid in Harlem I mean how do you how do you lose that I was it the donkey day me love with him with a hoof I mean how I lose the I'm so big Kimora and even says how Billa lost his I ready for this are you familiar okay so I'll just quote it the Talmud says that Billa was blind in one eye because he mocked God questioning why would God want to watch the intimacy of the righteous and God answered him because God loves to assist in bringing righteous souls into the world now if you're familiar with all of the gamora's about Adam and Eve you know you have this just thinking about the story for a minute right so and in simple form Adam and Eve have now God has done unbelievable creation I mean we don't even have a fragment of an idea what creation is all about but God it's like imagine spending every last penny you have which I can imagine easily in helping your children get married and you do the banquet into this and the that and you roll out everything everything nothing could be good enough to caterer the photographer you roll it all out and all of a sudden your kids or your son and daughter-in-law or vice versa they show up and they just spit and and walk out of the room how would you feel happy I don't think so ready to kill them probably so that's what happened that just rolls out with unbelievable acid all of my separations all of creation to bring Adam and Eve together and like what do they do BAM the one thing God said don't do they do and everything s truly think you know that God would like just snuff them and start all over again who would want to work with somebody like that right no I don't know if you guys were ever into Austin Powers it's just to be good references but now his time moves on there a little bit further away nobody remembers it but there was one in one of the episodes where mr. Evo was that the mystery if I think any oh he has a little illegitimate kid and the kids now a teenager in the movie and he's sitting there with like grease back hair and leather jacket and tight jeans and boots and they've now captured Austin Powers and his girlfriend and like as in James Bond mr. evil is like telling the guards take them into this room and in this room slowly the floor will move back and there's water with piranhas and at the same time the walls will crush you and you will die a horrible death and the kid says dad dad just have your guns with a bang bang like what's with the walls and the one that's bang bang with like me doesn't change bond that never happened oh he's had to be some elaborate way that James Bond was gonna be killed so that hit nobodies right so you think I'll just go boom but no not at all God says when they said we're naked God says well I don't think those fig leaves are for you God designs designer clothing with every single animal woven into it and that the fabric had the feel of skin God was with us no matter what and that lesson is a great lesson in chuva then no matter what we've done as Rebbe Nachman always says if you believe you destroyed it you can believe you can fix it so no matter where we are in our lives we can recapture our lives we can take back our lives and live the life that we were being able created to be and when you realize that everything is Kadosh everything is holy and therefore a cottage baroque was joy and being able to create equal to be able to bring together man and woman in order to be partners with God is ignorin condition says every child every child born has three partners it's the mothered father and god that come together the mother and the father create the body should you're aware of this if you look at the word atom it's olive and dom dom is blood because that's the nature of the body so dom is the gamma tree of 44 which is geometry of odd and aim father and mother together of 44 and then God brings the olive which is the dish Shama so that's Adam Adam is the soul in the body all three participating there so God there's nothing unholy about intimacy and that was what Bill was mocking what God you have nothing more to do than to watch Siddiqui having intimacy in their homes and for that building lost design because he couldn't see the holiness in that he would be something that was maybe a weakness of human personality or something that we had to do or something there was animalistic and below human dignity not at all that's the beauty of it is that it's actually something which is part and parcel of our lives it's the essence of our lives as think more as the Torah actually says that it's not good for a person to be alone because when the person is alone they think that they are a young eat an individual and therefore they're not humble before God because the only one who is as one is God therefore by realizing that we're not one unless we are hold with an other then we're really not anything because only God can be the one what we can be is the second but not the one that's God and here's the less the more that will finish on which I just thought was really beautiful I mean I don't like the all blame or but it's also good more nita 31b and it more talks about the preferred and the key word here is preferred not mandatory preferred position for intimacy and this is without like you know blacklight posters and all the rest of it this is our sages talking and that is I think what they call the Merce missionary position right the man on top and the woman on the bottom now why where's that come from so the domore answers myrrh says this is because they each face meaning the man and the woman they face the source of where they came from just as Adam and Eve were created Talmud says that Adam was created from the earth thus men faced the earth at the time of intimacy well Eve was made from men that is why she faces her husband this is why the Talmud explains as well that a woman's voice is sweeter than a man because she is the 2.0 version of creation while he is only the one point though she was created from man who already had a voice and therefore her voice is the more improved model where man and woman were created from the quartey's the talmud also explains why it is easier for a man to have sexual pleasure than necessarily for a woman because a man who is made from Earth his sexual natures more agile while a woman who's created from human bone can tend to be more brittle or dry and that's why a man must focus on his wife's pleasure in order to assure her that she is the same joy and holiness in the bedroom as he does so this will probably be the last time you'll ever see me after a class like that I just thought maybe it would be a very warm and refreshing wake up to remind us of our Jewish perspectives on these issues not to be poison and polluted by all of the that's out there in our newspapers and our internet and all of the rest of that but to really understand the gift of joy and God gave us in this world and to find within ourselves no matter where we have been in our lives do not allow your future to be a prisoner of your past say goodbye to your past free yourself from that best and become like a newborn child start your life anew that's the beauty of chuhwa that you can just free yourself from all the baggage and allow yourself to claim happiness it's your gift it's the gift that God wants you to have and by understanding what real intimacy is and what real marriage can afford and with that holiness of a couple of working together certainly with all of its problems but that's part of what life is all about that becomes a challenge that really becomes something worthwhile and we always say that by the way by a little boy it is Brit it's an interesting question they say you know just as he entered into the Covenant so may he enter into it the Torah because that means the reference to the department's feh and then into the Hopa which is reference to marriage and into mesito him into doing good deeds and of course the question is well why does he have to wait till after the marriage to do good deeds right to say it should maybe say he should enter into good deeds and then bar mitzvah a good little kid right so the answer is it's very easy or easier to be nice and friendly with other people because you can maintain a certain face but when you you know spend your whole day lifting and maintaining that face and now you walk into your own house and you close the door and you just want to go like a pop balloon and on wine and suddenly there's another person there who sees you or hears you snore at night or all the other things that we do is not gonna say but those things and still loves you that's the place to do yes it that's the person to give your your love to because that's the person as I said earlier who's given up their life to be with you but what greater endorsement could there be than that and who should deserve your real acts of kindness more than that person who is behind that closed door with you and that's something we need to think about something when you all need to think about in our lives and hopefully from that find something of real value enjoy thank you very much [Music]