Interpersonal Relationship Tools - Part 4: Be Sympathetic - Rebbetzin Avigial Gersht

[Music] so that person in the street who make gives you that look or makes that comment at you or that friend or that boyfriend who doesn't know how to treat you properly they believe it or not are doing the best they can with the tools that they have most people most people in this world do not mean or intend to be vicious we'll do that together with number four which is beast and pathetic which is do you know this Jamila story of two gun Crowley yeah okay he was he was a massive killer in the 1930s and as he's having his final shootout with the cop from his girlfriend's apartment okay he's had his final shootout this is someone who's a murder an incredible number of people and they called him to gun crowd except they walked around with he's having a shootout with the cops and as he's having sure hiding his girlfriend's apartment he has a blood dripping from his forehead and he writes on a little piece of paper to whom this may concern under this jacket I want to be directly hold on under my coat is a very heart but a kind one one that would do nobody any harm okay under my jacket is a heart it's in my clothes a weary heart but a kind one when it would do nobody any time there's some who the murdered numerous people Al Capone is quoted as saying always directly I wrote down his thought it was so funny but it gives us insight into human psychology which is alpha Khan said I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures helping them have a good time and all I get is abuse the existence of a hunted man ok he considered himself a public benefactor again Hitler your maximum may his name be raised he's considered himself improving the living and the standards of society he was just trying to make a perfect Aryan race wasn't trying to do bad okay he's an extreme example in picky ever success and I think it's pure gave us and everyone's eyes their way is right right we all think right the way that I see the world is correct so when you're looking at someone and you say them why would you do that are you an ID IOT ? right why did you do that guess what they don't think they're an idiot right they'd this act because they thought that was a good idea so being compassionate and not criticizing people to begin with right which is something so basic but we said everything we're talking about you already know this just incredibly improved relationships I remember when I was in college how does one teacher who you just feel when a teacher doesn't respect the student you can just feel it okay they put themselves look on on the god I get exactly the high pedestal on like I'm here to give to you I have nothing to learn from you okay and and I just felt that from her the whole year and we had a certain interaction where she was was like one-on-one conversation and she was tongue how she she's the middle of doing a life coaching course and so I felt her oh no way where were you doing it cuz i also did a life coaching course look a few years before and she looked at me she says no no you don't know this one i did actually that's a real one with a real professional one okay she didn't ask me what I've done she didn't ask me where I went right away she just assume like you don't know what I did I did a real one and there's no way that you could offer them on Isaac's what I'm doing is really professional right and I remember I just shut off to her class okay was it immature of me yeah for sure immature of me but again exactly our instance natural of like I can't I can't receive you see even if a teacher has great information to teach it had a future in high school I will never forget this but I'm totally milk all her I totally forgive her I was I was doing a clot I was doing a test was Jewish history test and she looked at me and she said you know give me a paper in melville class I said why she said we don't shoot him this class okay I took not cheat on tests I had no problem dealing death I failed many tests but I did not cheat and she I said I'd him cheat it was in front of like the whole class I was in grade 10 and she's like I said give me a paper we weren't you in this class and so this is like I can't believe I'm standing on camera I'm horrified by what i did i was so insulted look I have never been accused of cheating before ever and I didn't cheat it was a part of a whole class actually told the kids you're cheating and so she I said I walked up to her and I said you want my test I'll give my chest and I ripped it up in four pieces in the hand is her I felt so that I walked downstairs I walk into my principal's office I was like let me tell you what I just did I feel so bad but and I couldn't accept from her why you feel quite bring that we can in like great you look what you do to me okay when we do this to children when we criticize children enough time children shut down children are not when I read this the first time it was such a paradigm shift for me children are not naturally closed okay they're not naturally close to human beings you see that child has no problems like running around naked like everywhere like look at my body I parents will let their children through that it's healthy okay don't stifle them children are not naturally close there's no problem like talking about anything right like anything and everything why because because they're so uh nuh dolt there so yes the third there's no untainted there so that's what I'm looking for hmm innocent yeah they're so innocent so when however it's enough times you criticize a child they will shut down if you find a child who was closed who is like not connect it's very harmful to open up I'm not paska me but usually something happened that why is he so close okay why is this child so inward yeah and I need to work in the preschool so let official size like some girls with dresses so the girls are very leg closed off legs get them to open up and let it be part of the crew it will be very critical I mailed copies for my dance like she's muffled do like really late okay I know it's not bad thing like a flyer in his parents or whatever at like the girl comes to this is what I was willing to make here because they're just parroting what they receive their despairing what they received as children which was criticism there's ways to do things with children there's ways to criticize children okay instead of telling a child and we'll speak that it's we'll get to chris's and we've only a few more minutes that instead of telling a child let's say the child picks up the toys okay how many times has happened you like as a child right you like clean the house surprised your mother or you like pick up the toilet oh you forgot that one right or like just flip the floor invisible what about that corner over there right it makes you like never want to do it ever again why because like I don't want your criticism right so instead of telling a child pick up the toys how many times does all you the first day to my children to become super terrific then you say are the toys too heavy for you John mommy to help you and you you you initiate dialogue with the child when you put a child down all the time it applies to human beings also but all the more so children when you are literally the clay they are play-doh in our hand and we shape them okay we are we are damaging those child we don't realize what criticism does and definite support what you said is really important right you find that people who criticize a lot are people who they themselves are struggling people have told me many years when I was growing up I had this certain I wouldn't call her a friend acquaintance of you call it and every time I was with her she had just had something negative to say about me every time every time it took me many many years until I grew up and I'm still growing up to realize she's in pain okay I had a quote on in my office overjoyed took it down because I'd like to change the clothes but be someone's like hurt people hurt people and actually thought I was like telling people's like hurt people but the quote was hurt people hurt people right you know healthy happy secure people don't go around hurting people it only someone who has hurt themselves basically they need to hurt people so was that beef n n equal from Carnegie he says any fool can criticize condemn and complain and most fools do it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving right any fool can criticize condemn and complain and most fools do it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving when I get upset at someone and I yell at them the only thing that has been accomplished is my release of anger temporarily it does nothing for the other person and when we learn skills and tools basic one how can i express it so much to them without them being hurt okay how can I do if we said we'll just quickly go through it ray how can I begin conversations in a friendly way just being kind to people be interested in the other person just because I know my spouse or just because she's my best friend for 15 years suzumiya's shutdown which is talking at all okay there she goes again on the same right like speech if she gives all the time and be sympathetic to people and then not to criticize other people don't condemn or criticize god willing next class will can taste those if it's an extra goblin will continue with so in situations when criticism needs to be done which there are many times of dust so how can I go about it have a wonderful shabbos