If You Know Your Destination, You Will Never Get There

foreign [Music] if anybody would like coffee or tea or water in the back with some fruits or cookies please make yourself comfortable welcome everybody [Music] make yourselves comfortable there's one source sheet it's on the Beamer where'd you put it on the Beamer okay it's just one page double-sided so please take one [Music] I hope I'll get there foreign [Music] foreign [Music] that door is open right people can come in okay [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] for coming and welcome everybody there's one source sheet on the be much double-sided and let's begin if I could just ask you to put your cell phones on vibrate or on airplane mode thank you very much okay today's class is dedicated by Adam farcas in honor of his Asia that's beautiful thank you very much and all the blessings thank you [Music] foreign [Music] so everybody knows that the beginning of the Jewish story the story of the Jewish people begins in Paris the first 11 chapters of Tyra the first 11 chapters of boratius of Genesis are Universal they're about the entire planet the entire Cosmos and all of the Nations and all of the peoples and then suddenly at chapter 12 there is uh they're zooming in right today we call it zooming in into one individual till that point it's a story about all of mankind and that's very interesting it's a story about literally all of mankind and all of womankind but mankind includes women and then suddenly a chapter 12 beginning of there is this radical shift and it's such a powerful shift because it tunes into one person and this person begins to Father a family which ultimately becomes the central Narrative of the rest of Torah and really the rest of Tanakh so that shift is extremely uh faithful and and critical and it begins with one verse one pasik the opening possible which is opening of chapter 12 parakeet base and it's the first First Source in your Source sheets Hashem God tells avram Abraham go forth from your land from your birthplace from your father's home to to the land that I will show you and he continues I will make of you a great nation I will bless you I will make your name great you shall be a blessing I will bless those who bless you those who curse you out of course and all the nations of the earth will be blessed by you those are the three opening verses of in which Hashem calls to this one individual person avram and gives them this faithful destruction of and indeed the next continuation of the story is avram heeds the call foreign I'm from Texas wife sorry his brother's son his nephew light all the wealth that they amassed all the people that they influenced and mentored and made in haran and they set out for this journey towards the land of Quran they arrived in the land of Canaan the question is very well known and very obvious and that is a very glaring omission Hashem is very specific to tell avraham where he has to leave from but completely does not share with him the destination right so he says go forth from your land if that's not enough I'll be clearer from your birthplace if that's not enough I'll be even clearer from the house of your parents from the home of your father and now we expect he should tell him where to go and he could say simply go to the land of Canaan avram avinu was living in a place called haran he was born in Ur which is today's Iraq and by the way ancient war has been excavated our with an archaeologist archaeological diggings so we even know the place that in ancient times was called Ur or kazdem or Ur and avram relocated with his father Tara which is today called haran HR r-a-n Northern Iraq Southern turkey and uh he's told to leave there and go to Eric's Canaan which today we know as israeler it's Israel the holy land but he doesn't say that in fact nowhere in the story does he tell him where to go how do we even know that he went to Kanan not because Hashem told him because that's where he went in it says avram went to the Canon so obviously at some point he figured it out but the question is why such a glaring Omission I mean that's the whole story I want you to leave here and I want you to go here you're telling me exactly where to go from and it's really redundant from your land from your birthplace from your parents almost like I'm telling you I want you to leave the United States of America I want you to leave New York and I want you to leave Muncie if you're leaving the United States of America if I'm not mistaking you're also leaving New York are you leaving months okay maybe Muncie is not part it's also part of America no and Corona was a little different than America but uh generally if you're leaving America you're leaving obviously that maybe I should tell you your address and then maybe I should tell you you know what your kitchen looks like he says leave your country the before she struggle with that but for whatever reason he's extremely Hashem is extremely specific where I am to leave from where do I go I'll show you why can't you give him an address so if ROM could put it into ways or Google Maps or GPS whatever it looked like at the time and go no so you would think in verse two he says it in verse three Hashem never ever told them where to go it's not recorded in the title obviously I've run figured it out so that they ask was it a conversation but the terrier makes sure to say that Hashem never told him where to go he only told them the land that I will show you and we know that it was Khan because he ended up there it says he went this obviously he found out that that's where actually wants him to go but he was never told what is the why what is the meaning behind this this is such a good such an important even Rashi the most basic commentator asks this question Rashi wonders why can't you say for example there'll be one more like there will be one more to have Rama Vino the beginning of avram avinu story and close to the end of abramovino's story is What's called the first test in the tenth test because at the end of parishes Vieira which is close to the end of abramovino's life he's already an older person he's already over 100 137 Hashem once again says he told them clearly where to go I want you to go to the place called Mariah Maria which we still know where it is Haram area it's the same mountain called Maria Adair they call it the Temple Mount arabius Maria he told them where to go he didn't even have to tell him where to go from because he obviously knew where to go from but here he doesn't say it he says Allah uses the same word which is interesting but he doesn't say where what's the location I want to learn with you today one answer to this question and the answer was presented by the svasemus we quoted many times we learned many pieces of the swasemas is a Hasidic work on Hamish and on the holidays it was written authored by the third Gary rabba Rabbi Yehuda Arya labe alter alter is the last name from Gary is a city not far from Warsaw in Poland his father passed away when he was young so he was raised by his grandfather it's a mayor known as the hidushe harim the first Gary rabba student of the katskarab the khadush raised the svasemus the behind the labor area lab Altar and when he passed away he was still young but after Alexander he became the third Gary Rebel his son was the imra Etc so he has a work called svasemas which means the edge of Truth or the lip of Truth which basically compiles many of his teachings that he would share on Shabbos with his followers and disciples in Poland he passed away in 1905 tougher [Music] so here is his commentary he writes extremely extremely brief very cryptic very concise and very deep you have to unravel the words that's what we'll try to do but first let's see what he says inside and then we'll explain would be 1871. [Music] edrish Rashi and mendrish ask the question why did he not reveal to him right away his destination what is this a state secret what would be wrong with telling abramovino way to go he did not know the land I will show you push it it's obvious what the answer is wrong that is exactly what Earth Israel is you hear what he's saying if he would have told him where to go it would be completely the wrong message by telling him go to the land I will show you that is what does this mean it's not a geographical location it is but it's not only a geographical location foreign this was a journey not to a specific land technically yes he had to go to a specific land Canon but the journey was not geographical only in fact the geographical element of the journey is secondary to the emotional Journey to the existential Journey there was a different type of Journey it was Asif what was that journey I want you to go to the land that I will show you that is the journey to which we're the land that I will show you tell me where I can't tell you where that's not the land you're not going if I tell you where you're going that's not the land you're going to it's not where I want you to go I want you to go to the land that I will show you where to go what does this mean his words is that I allow my means my senses my faculties and my retirements my desires my passions to become aligned with hashem's desire and that's the word the word doesn't only mean from your land it comes from the word sign means your land it also means the word ratson I want you to step away from what you perceive as your desire into a new rot sign which I will show you into a new land which I will show you or to put it differently the physical terrain we call erits Israel or at that time it was called Kanan it's not just a physical territory that has a boundary on one side and a boundary and another side and a boundary and another side of boundary another side West and East and North and South might have been suffered that's the physical element of the land but there's another element that that land captures or embodies and that is it's the land where I show you it's the land that I show you what does this mean the high no this means [Music] foreign this means I may be dovok I may be connected to what is called in Hebrews externalities can I cast that away in order to be able to perceive what is the Divine desire and then you actually learn about that desire then that desire becomes revealed to the person so the only way I could find out where to go is if I don't know where to come so that makes sense the only way I could find out where to go is if I don't know where to go if I know where to go I'll never know where to go you see here how such a simple Omission is really teaching something that emotionally psychologically existentially philosophically it's extremely profound I'll just say it again so I could confuse myself more the only way I know where to go is if I don't know where to go the moment I know where to go I'm completely lost I'll go to every place besides where I should be going now it's a little strange don't we all want to know where we go when you get into the car don't you thank God for ways right before I mean I have a lot to thank this technology because I got lost everywhere everywhere I mean I lived in Brooklyn once upon a time that was the old habitat of the Jewish people before Florida you remember when Jews lived in Brooklyn there was a time when Jews lived in Brooklyn just to get to Borough Park I would get lost literally I would get lost it's embarrassing to say but I was dating with my wife and I got lost every single time and at some point it was so embarrassing I thought she's just gonna drop me because it's not impressive you know you don't want a man who's always getting lost and I one one time I really had to cover up for my humiliation as I said you know SD at least with me you'll end up in unexpected places which is which may be a good thing and she bought it you know here I am so but how much Shalom bias arguments that weighs save how many you remember those days you went to the gas station oh it still doesn't help okay I thought it avoided all therapy needs but you remember you went to the gas station why couldn't you ask the guy for directions I don't need to ask him for directions right why should I say that and you were supposed to go to Miami ended up in California right you're supposed to go to London ended up announced Israel by car so uh thank God you put it in some people by the way still don't listen they still don't listen but thank God they're smarter they're smarter yeah I told ways don't have a woman's voice because the men will not listen they go crazy in any case but we all want to know where to go it's not the schmuck to get lost isn't that true it's true if I want to draw if I want to get from here to New City or if I want to get there from here to the city or if I want to get from here to another location then Waze is wonderful or Google Maps I don't want to get involved in politics even though today Google owns everything so it's not politics unless Elon Musk buys them off as well but there's two types of Journeys there's a journey with a car or a journey with a plane and then there's a different type of Journey there's the Journey of life the Journey of life is going to you that's not a physical Journey it's also a physical Journey we physically journey in life there's no spiritual journey doesn't come with a physical Journey it's a body together with a soul but that type of Journey he says by definition I can't tell you where it is by definition if you know where it is it's not the journey it's something that I'll have to show you and the only way you'll be able to be open to that is if you give up the need to know where I want you to go now how do we bring this these are his words these are his words I just explained them a little bit but you see he writes it very briefly and he continues it says here's the point here's the summation this is the type of will the type of Readiness a person is capable and ought to cultivatea to listen and to absorb that which I don't know I love this statement this is the desire a person should always cultivate the desire to listen and to perceive that which I don't know but isn't there a point where I do know like I've been around what do they say I've been around the block a couple of times I went on this journey before I do know now I do know why not 40 they say because at time of 50 I made enough mistakes to be able to tell people what not to do at the age of 20 I'm brilliant you know when mothers who just had a baby they give parenting advice especially for teenagers you ever saw that she's 21 years old but Hashem she has two kids in the carriage and she tells you how it is how you're supposed to deal with teenagers it's wonderful and you say amen amen you know call me in 20 20 years but when you're 50 by commission lights I made enough mistakes I could give people advice like a hotline from the pool for 21 year old you know what it's beautiful in a way it's beautiful the innocence is so important the Innocence the idealism and so forth of course you can't listen to the advice of your mother because you know what does your mother know right Mark Twain once said when I was nine you know my father was a genius when I was 19 he was a today I'm 29 I have a bunch of kids and he has some good advice it's funny how much the old man learned in 10 years um I once heard a mother tell one of her teenage children one day you're gonna find out that your mother was not as dumb as you thought she was one day you're gonna find out mom was not as dumb as you thought she was so in any case isn't there a point where you know you become a master where you become uh what are they called you you know the trade you know the cancer the Ken's the you know the Malacca at some point okay I have been caught by surprise again and again and again but at some point I know see he says doesn't work that way ain't sheerly the usbark the Divine knowledge has no measurement there's no point where okay I mastered I mastered the journey it's infinite Leo is Butler Comet and therefore constantly I can always open myself up and surrender more and more to the mystery of infinity [Music] the Zhou and this is the meaning of the Posse Contin ENT [Music] I'll just read the whole possockets to hilum Capitol mem hey 45. see me boss listen my daughter or the A C or the e c and lend me your ear so I want you to hear I want you to see I want you to give me your ear my daughter can you forget your people and the home of your father let the king crave your beauty what does this mean why would he want her to forget her people we don't want people to we don't want our daughters to forget their people we don't want to forget their home so this wasema says there's a much much deeper message here and that is I always want to be in a state where I can open my eyes and see and listen there's seeing and there's listening he says both shimmy Bas shimi URI there's seeing and there's maestro to absorb La Caba that which is beyond my comprehension that church was beyond my half Saga the word hasaga in Hebrew means to grasp something right to reach LA hasigas to attain it also is the same meaning in Hebrew for the word comprehension because when you comprehend something essentially you attained it not physically but intellectually you know when you understood a concept that's like in your brain your brain raps literally like almost it feels like your brain wrapped itself around this idea like I got it I understand it it's almost I own it but can I see can I open my eyes and listen to that which is beyond my comprehension beyond my assayata it always demands that my awareness now has to be able to open itself up to something that it's maybe uncomfortable with so that's a form of Bittle it has to surrender and be open to something that it can nullify it Le vattel can nullify it and that's why it's clear he says this is push it it's obvious that's what Hashem couldn't tell of Roma Vino where to go now I would like to take these Priceless words I wanted to say Priceless gems it's really one Priceless gem in the singular which translates into Priceless gems and you know bring it down somewhat or bring it up apply it apply it to our lives what this fasemus is teaching us here and why this is the first commandment this is the first Mitzvah to the first Jew this is the first communication ever from the Republic everything follows from this statement after comes everything nothing happens before in terms of the Jewish story and it's in this story in this opening commandment where he will not say the place of the destination but we can all readily relate to this because the message here is not abstract at all even if it opens us up to Transcendence the message becomes extremely clear because it exists both internally and externally let's first begin internally and see then how it exists also externally meaning it exists on every journey of life but let's first talk about my inner Journey vis-a-vis myself and my relationships with the people around me but how I respond to it what's Arts he says is your desires I have desires means that which is inborn molest molad is birth in other words things that are inborn may be my genetic makeup is what I learned in my parents home what they call nurture right there's nature and there's nurture different levels of nature base of it has nurture nurture is not just my parents home it's my school it's my environment it's my community It's My Life Experiences obviously our most formative life experiences happen in the homes we grow up in but they also happen in the environment we grow up in which is an extension of the home the community I live in the friends the neighbors relatives extended relatives close family nuclear family extended family of course my education my schooling and so forth my relationships my friends that's all part of the home the the culture that every person grows up in and he says here I want you to step away from it why why these are things that form people because I want you to go to you which is another very strange expression you don't go to you you go with you when I'm journeying somewhere I'm not journeying to me hopefully I was here before too if I wasn't here before I said who's doing the journey right it's like Jackie Mason's jokes about the day he went to you know remember Jackie Mason's Hub and I looked like a grenade and it's a Funny Jew so he speaks about the day he decided to go to therapy to find himself I come to the therapist and he says we have to find you he says but who am I if I haven't found me and how are you going to find me if I'm not here and if I'm here you don't have to find me so he said we have to find your real self he says where are you going to find my real self if it's not here she says well we're going to search together and after an hour he says it's a 400 Bill he says one second but if I'm not really me why should I pay you 400 bucks when we don't even know who I am in fact you may really be me and I may really be you so you owe me four hundred dollars this is the guy got really upset at him he says you know what I'll be fair and I'll split the tab you give me 200 and I'll leave your office so uh very interesting expression when we speak in modern Hebrew we say s explained I want you to go to you I want you to discover you I want you to find your essence the root of your soul the atmos the core of Who You Are for that I have to be able to have the courage to step away from outside not necessarily sometimes those places were very difficult and challenging places then we could understand you should step away from them and certainly Tarak was no role model from Aveeno so he had to step away from family but there's something much deeper here it's not even if it was sometimes we all know that sometimes people grow up in very difficult situations sometimes dysfunctional situations sometimes very difficult parents and sometimes parents who are amazing people but are limited every person can only educate with the tools that they have and I can do the best with the tools that I have and when I don't have those tools I often my communication is extremely Limited the big challenge that we have is as we learn about those tools and we learn about our mistakes do we become defensive it's very very easy to become defensive you know how often does it happen that a child once he or she is older challenges apparent about certain things that happened oh and I would tell you that one of the most I don't want to sound so sharp but one of the most foolish things parents do is they become defensive they start criticizing the child for his or her ungratefulness you're spoiled you're rotten like all of the American brats do you know what I grew up like you know what happened to me in third grade do you know what my mother was like AFP sir you know what my house looked like what just happened what just happened is the parent was triggered very badly I was triggered and we have to be able to take responsibility for our triggers instead of tuning into the pain that my child is experiencing and they're coming to me because they want healing so instead of being emotionally in tuned I become defensive and I want to almost crush them and what happens then you'll see the end of every conversation creates more distance there's nobody to speak to and I'll go back into my shell and what you want so what we want so much to be close to our children we actually we actually compromise that connection but what if I could really go away from my defensiveness it's not easy I could really really listen to what other person is saying and it's not easy because you know you raise the skin sleepless nights right you start telling them you know how many times I have to take you to the doctor when you were two years old every day you had an ear infection you had another infection I didn't sleep for 25 years and I'm still not sleeping because of you and I'm never gonna sleep wow great that's really giving me self-confidence Mommy tati thank you for sharing that it's great to know how many sleepless nights how I destroyed your entire life now let me have my brothers destroyed your life no they were unbelievable you I'm doing a little humor here but the point is because this is a it's a tough subject so you need a little humor but remember every good joke is basically true people don't laugh if it's a complete lie all jest has a lot of truth then when you want to express it you use it through and every joke has a little truth in it something a lot of Truth in it and every truth has a little humor in it too wow I have to be able to really open myself up to it but here's the real deal the journeys of Life the real journeys of life this fasama says Hashem is telling avram you'll never anticipate could you really be open every day to learn about the land that I will show you I'm going to show you today where your journey is so just tell me where if I tell you where it's not your journey the real Journeys to the truest self are not something you could put into waste it's not something you could check up on a map it's not something you can anticipate they say two people fail in life those who don't have plans and those who stick to their plans this is not something I can plan ahead and say this is exactly what it's going to look like in 20 years yes we all have dreams this is what my children are going to come out like this is what I'm going to do and this is going to be the result but children are not a conveyor belt I think we most of us know that I put my child on one side of the conveyor belt in pre-1a and hopefully they come out on the other side after the Wake Me Up if I could just sleep from the beginning of the conveyor belt then just wake me up for the nachas I'm ready to come for the Bas Mitzvah of my granddaughter that conveyor belt is not something that's just autopilot boom there's surprises at every step of the way how do we deal with these surprises so some people get very frustrated some people get very angry some people get very disillusioned this fasama says no that is the very journey of Life The Very journey of life is to always ask not what my comfort zone demands from me to keep me stuck in it but to open myself up what is the Divine calling for me at this period of my life at this stage of my life and it's true literally in every facet it's true when it comes to marriage how many people are experiencing the same marriage they thought they're going to have the day they became engaged you don't have to all raise your hand simultaneously how many people exactly what you saw in your child when he or she was one years old how did that turn out a decade later two decades later three decades later four decades later so we asked ourselves am I guilty how bad I am what did I do wrong go the other way why are they so wrath and why are they so spoiled where's the karasatov I constantly getting emails from people saying why do I have keyboard over aim and my kids don't feel they have to have keyboard over in and I feel bad these parents mean well but they're always defending themselves they're always on the defensive mode look how I respect my father you think I like them a war girl emails me says my mother says to me look how I respected my father you know which I tell you what he did but zipper on my lips why can't you be the same and I want to explain to this mother your daughter is not going to repress all the trauma that you did for so many generations you did it fine she's not gonna do it she's gonna her father's gonna have to have a real conversation with her she's gonna have a real conversation with her father but we become so defensive and the reason we become defensive is because we feel weak we feel that we're going to get lost in the process I'm going to lose my kids I'm going to lose myself I'm going to lose my dignity says it's the opposite that's where you will discover your destination always ask yourself the question ask not what my child that's not what your child can do for you today ask what you can do for your child ask not what Hashem can do for you ask what you can do for Hashem you'll say no I want to ask about me paradoxically you'll find a much deeper place of happiness you will find your real destination because when I'm stuck in the life that I decided I have to have every curveball will will destroy me every curveball will make me more frustrated every curveball will make me angry disillusion every curveball will either put me into a depression or put me into a combative mode or will make me freeze and paralyzed but if I could really say you know what is the Journey of a Jew I want you to go to a destination I can't tell you where because by definition it's a destination that you can't wrap your brain around it surprises you constantly so what is it it's the land that I will show you open yourself up to what is your mission today what is your mission this year what is your mission this decade what is your mission this week what is your mission this day and what is your mission this hour and it may change it may change from day to day from week to week and really embrace it and paradoxically it won't take you away from yourself you will find your real self you'll find your infinite self you'll find your Your Divine self see me boss my daughter listen URI see foreign that he quotes can you forget everything that your comfort zone says you shouldn't forget what does that look like internally what does that look like today we know that Journeys don't only happen on roads and streets and highways and airspace Journeys happen in the brain they call them neural Pathways they're actually real highways by the way they're tiny but they're unbelievably sophisticated they're more sophisticated than any highway or Bridge I was looking yesterday at the engineering of the Tappan Zee Bridge did you see the engineering at Tappan Zee Bridge unbelievable unbelievable something special I don't know if you realize how they built those those pillars but on the Brooklyn Bridge they had cables and then they found out that people were stealing the cables they came at night and they caught it so the Tappan Zee built they built these huge pillars nobody can steal them it's interesting it was built based on the ganavum of the Brooklyn Bridge but you would think people have tivers to steal cables from the Brooklyn Bridge if you know who did it he should return it engineering of all these Bridges which are unbelievable the London Bridge was built through a man named Sinclair who was blind he couldn't even see and he engineered the London Bridge it pales in comparison to the highways to the bridges that our brains develop in our neuron our neural Pathways our neural pathways are the highways our thoughts go on so if you say something to me right my thoughts start going down a highway your husband says something to you your child says something to you your mother says something to you your sister-in-law says something to you at the chevr brachis that you made for her daughter by the way just that's all of the brain the brain has stored away unbelievable the brain forgets nothing every piece of information that ever came your way the brain stores away and it turns it into a highway this highway is safe this highway has traffic this highway is dangerous and we start responding instinctively our thoughts go down a certain direction and what happens is we often become stuck so every time your teenage girl says this comment when she comes into the kitchen one in the morning opens the refrigerator and says there's no food in the house I never saw a house like yours with so much food you could feed three countries with the food in your freezer in your refrigerator besides your child there's no food what about all that oh that's disgusting [Laughter] right my brain developed a highway where to go here I go whoa and you whatever it is ungratefulness spoiled this girl has some serious problems we need medication why can't I get the right therapist whatever your Pathways and it develops into a sensation I feel unsafe I feel uptight I feel anger I judge it's the hardest thing to go away from that go away you don't have to go to the highways you're used to but what else is there there's one more thing where Allah can I ask a much deeper question and that is what would be the response that would bring me closer to my daughter what would be the response therefore that will bring me closer to Hashem because it's the same thing they once asked the balatanya which Mitzvah is a bigger Mitzvah avas Hashem or avas Israel there's a Mitzvah to love Hashem there's a Mitzvah to love every Jewish they want to know which is a bigger myth you know how you say saving a life is more important than Shabbos saving a life is more important than Yom Kippur sometimes are weighed against each other like on a scale this one so they asked him which one wins Hashem they were expecting to hear an answer he said these words I'll say in Yiddish avas Israel is a pirush of abasashem is a commentary on avas Hashem what does it mean to love Hashem it means to love another person who is a reflection of Hashem it's a commentary on Ava Sasha somebody comes to me says I love you I hate you kids really how much do you love me I love you your family do me a favor you know what I mean do me a favor share that love with somebody else person tells Hashem you know I love you Hashem your kids I hate every one of them or certainly 50 of them are really not my type well if they're not your type then I'm also not your type that my children what do you mean you love me and you hate my children Hashem is obviously Soul Is A Commentary it's making it real it's illustrating it it's concretizing it it's not which Mitzvah wins over the other Mitzvah real Abbas Hashem is expressed and obviously strong foreign in a good marriage even if a husband doesn't like certain things right he's not crazy about roses there's such a concept some people who don't know about flowers but if your spouse appreciates something you appreciate it why because you appreciate them so if I know somebody appreciates somebody else I may not particularly know about them but I respect it I if you love it I also love it vashem says I love these people and you love me so what do you mean you don't like these people so obviously throws appears from is really a very deep question and that is what thoughts will help me go to the land that Hashem is showing me right now at this moment I'm being triggered and I'm going down a certain neural pathway but instead of replicating the same thoughts that I have always been reacting to this situation with based on my own innate wounds or fears or maybe the way I grew up can I open myself up to mystery and you know what it's hard because mystery I can't control but I don't have to control it's very refreshing imagine if you don't have to control your responses to your child or to yourself or to other people you don't have to be in control you can let go of the need to control and really say what can bring me to a deeper relationship with this person what can bring us closer which is my ultimate value is my ultimate value to be in a fight with these people or to be close to these people but but it's not my comfort zone some people have it in their marriage your spouse says something to you and this message has already been set 20 years 25 years 35 years 10 years and you know the default motives I go down this pathway and for the next six hours I feel alienated I feel lonely that's my comfort zone that's my safety net it's called survival mechanisms coping mechanisms can I open myself up to a new reality to a new mystery I'm gonna say you know what today I'm going to allow my brain to go on a journey that I never ever ever went on and I promise you your neural pathways are going to say no way don't check out this new highway there may be ditches there and you'll die come on this highway it's a it's a dirty highway it's a painful highway but at least it's familiar Familia we love familiarity but what a familiarity keeps me stuck in a place of pain and negativity and toxicity I'm not going to tell you where to go the moment I tell you where to go you're not going to be going to the right places it's opening myself up to a vision that is infinite and infinity I can't hold on to I can't grasp some people want to predict what their future is going to be like they want to predict what their children are going to come out like you want to predict but this is not a machine you put a material on one side and plastic comes out on the other side and sometimes it's even painful with some children you have to realize this a couple was told me last week that they were struggling with many of their children and they went to a very they went to a very distinguished Rabbi in Muncie at the time he lives in out Israel today Rabbi Beryl wine and they asked him advice and he said the single hardest thing for you as parents is going to be to get your children through the school system sometimes it's easy sometimes it's the hardest thing to get your children through that school system is like a miracle with some children that's the fact it's not a blame game it's just understanding the fact that you can never compare people you could ever compare children you can never compare families never compare yourself to anybody else you have to really know what is my calling what is the clan God is showing me not you he's showing me this is my journey this is your journey and I sometimes want to predict I'll do this and this is what's going to happen and then I set myself up for constant anxiety and guilt and shame and all the other good things that we Jews have anxiety guilt shame I don't know what the Russia Davis is I know it is oh gosh anxiety guilt shame I just made that up we open ourselves up to fog let's put it that way a lot of fog you know what fungus right fear Obsession guilt and life becomes very foggy okay I'm making up all my acronyms here today but you get the point life becomes foggy fear a lot of fear a lot of fear because if I have a certain destination and I get lost I'm fearful if I don't have a destination I'm not afraid if I'm obsessed I'm very afraid and if I'm feeling guilty it's terrible because I live in that place it's good to feel remorse if I made a mistake not to become defensive but this obsessive guilt doesn't help anybody it doesn't help relationships and here's a very interesting thing sometimes parents think once their children are married and they're marrying off their own children education ends it's not the case when my daughter my son your children your grandchildren are 40 50 60 70 you should have grandchildren who are 90. they could still use the confidence and the comfort that comes from a matriarch and a patriarch who really knows how to make space for them and really shows them unconditional love and pride and on the contrary sometimes with that maturity without the defensiveness we can create that space for them that is very very meaningful and allows them to Mentor a new generation with much more serenity so I want to put my child through the system and I'm expecting exactly what it's going to look like Hashem says open yourself up to a life of Mystery life is a hike you ever went on a real hike you know those real hikes raccoon county has a lot of them if the point of a hike was to get from point A to point B I promise you take a car much more logical first of all faster less energy less exhaustion okay you won't have pictures and you know what in terms of the Practical benefits much better why does nobody take a car the answer is the point is not the destination the point is the journey the point is the hike now if you go on a hike and instead of having a Beaten Track a paved Road suddenly you meet boulders and suddenly you meet branches all over the place and suddenly you're jumping and you're climbing you're like what is this I'm shook in a place I pay taxes the city can't make a path and he says hey no no no this is not a highway this is a hike Adventure is the name of the game we climb Boulders and we step over branches and we tear up branches make sure you have a hiking stick make sure you have water make sure the main thing is you have a camera and make sure that your partner is not boring that helps laughs unless you want to listen to music then it's better my brother told me he was driving with a classmate of his an old classmate of his to an event and he was he didn't see him in in like 20 years they were both going to some wedding I think of a friend it was like a moving event so he wanted to catch up she said how have you been and the guy said one second because he was texting and the whole way he was texting so my brother told me he decided he's going to send him a text they were both in the back seat of the car see thanks to him so then he answered it's the relationship that matters the word for Jewish law is if you ask anybody what's halacha they'll say law that's not what Allah means Allah really means a trail from the word the word comes the word it's a path it's a trail what type of path is it where does it take you and the answer is it's a path towards Infinity it's a path towards the Divine it's a path that I can't control it's a path that even if I learned something for 50 years and I'm amazing but suddenly today there's a new path why because you're touching ain't safe and ain't safe can't be captured by my brain I can't control it I can't own it I can't master it what I have to do is I have to surrender I need to open myself up to what that Journey looks like so it's true in my own emotional responses to situations I have to be able to say okay I know my outside Hashem is not telling of ramadinu repress where you came from don't learn about your parents some no you need to know everything you don't have to run away you don't have to repress enough to deny can you have the courage go to a deeper you go to a deeper you I'm going to step away from the familiar Highway of my brain you know what I'm going to choose not to react from this place even though I'm experiencing the sensation of fear or anger or negativity and I want to run I want to freeze I want to fight I want to form I want flight I want fight I want freeze I want phone ffff hello come on a new pathway come on a new highway it's surprising I know it's surprising because I'm doing this from four years old I'm doing this from six years old it's the only highway I know but you know it's a painful Highway let's try out a new highway but it's mysterious good but I didn't expect it but it's not supposed to be that way but you know don't fight reality open yourself up to reality so much anxiety comes from feeling guilty about my reality so I'm either trying to deny it or destroy it what if I can actually embrace it and say this is exactly my journey you know there's a lot of snow here in the winter everybody knows and Rockland County is pretty good with sending out the the trucks to Seoul to clean up the snow and salt it the problem is when you sold highways it corrodes the the tar so that you'll see after heavy snows after a winter there'll be ditches holes and highways from tremendous quantities of salt so there was a ditch in one of the highways and car after car was falling into the ditch and I had to get out it wasn't push it so finally every car learned to take a swerve and already became part of the routine you get to this place and you turn to the right it's called hakophus then you go around finally the city got enough complaints and they sent out a construction fellow a guy who's an expert in this with a pickup truck with the materials to go and fill the ditch so he was driving and he had his passenger his helper with him and he comes to this point of the highway and what do all the cars do they all swerve to the right so what does he do you got to follow the island right I'll tell freshman at simpler so what does he do he also goes to the right to go around his partner looks at him and says why are you going around he says well obviously there's a hazard here he says yes that's why you were sent you were sent to fill this Hazard to fix it don't run away from it this is your destination in life the ditch in my life is not a mistake that's the land I was shown my pickup truck has the tools to be able to confront it my child was given to me not to anybody else my life was given to me not to anybody else my story was given to me not to anybody else that's the land that I'm showing you you say but I didn't expect it I don't like it it may be it may be challenging but it's exactly the land where I was sent to why can't you tell me where it is I can't tell you where it is because you'll only find out where it is if you let go of expectations that's the depth if I tell you what it looks like you'll never end up there because you're gonna bring into the relationship expectation so therefore I'm going to come again with my ego and my comfort zones on my insecurities only when I let go of expectations do I open myself up to hearing the new location you get that it's counter-intuitive because I feel if you tell me where it'll be much easier I could control it I could make a to-do list right every good bowl of Buster you make a to-do list Wednesday you already have everything for Shabbos Thursday you're cooked right Friday two o'clock you're gonna walk not in the kitchen I know somebody that had their savior I went to visit somebody once and they had their say their table set up three weeks before pesach I kid you not some of us are setting it up in middle of the same middle of the seider my wife told me about a family she knew they would do I never heard of this concert they would do practice packing you know what practice packing is a week before you go to Israel or wherever you go a week before you pack up everything practice so you make sure the suitcases has enough space if not you buy a new suitcase whatever it is and then two days before you do real packing yeah you have to have a certain type of brain for that some of us are packing on the way to the airport in the taxi we're still packing in the airport you're still rearranging your suitcases because they weigh too much anybody knows that type it's probably good to be somewhere in the middle the problem is if you're married to one and you're the opposite it's usually lebedic around trip times I was once traveled I was a Yeshiva boy I was once traveled to Ireland I was teaching there the Summers I went with a friend of mine so he told me that the flight he was arranging the tickets he told me that the flight was three hours earlier than it really was I come to the airport I'm like why'd you lie to me he says because you always come a half an hour before the flight this is an international setup I'm giving you the wrong time I was so early that time I can't tell you I made I'm never coming so early to the airport so it's good to be organized in life this is not a statement not to be organized chaos chaos chaos chaos is not a way to live say there is a way to live say the means there's structure disorder children need say their houses need say their lives need to say that's healthier for the brain when they say they're in life that's when it comes to the pieces of life when it comes to the inner Journey here I have to be able to open myself up sometimes to something that is completely not organized because if I hold on to structure I often get destroyed it's like the gemara says the difference between a cedar tree and a reed in a storm you know the difference the cedar tree is an action I'm not going to the hood you don't touch me a storm comes a tsunami comes and destroys them the Reed goes with the wind you think oh he's spineless he's not spineless he's smart he's not spineless if you have a you know Surfers you don't fight waves you go with the wave no no no I don't go with the wave I am me no no you have to be part of the wave if I see myself as separate from Hashem I'm busy fighting this is my life you're part of the wave you're part of the ocean it's the secret of the Mikvah we spoke about last week I'm part of the way if you don't fight the wave the wave is here to lift you up the camera says in your vomis 120 came to the base Madras and he said it's a Pity it'll be Akiva drown he was grieving it would be Akiva drown a few days later by Kevin walks to the base Madras he says you where did you come from I ready he said I was on a boat they were both in a boat I mean I'm little saw there because Leo's boat was a ship became a shipwreck and everybody went down so Rebecca said that's true but I found one plank of the boat I found and I held on to that plankau [Applause] [Music] every wave that came to overwhelm me I said I bowed my head every gal every wave ninati Library teaching reikiva wasn't teaching not self-con you shouldn't be confident you should be meek and we keep it was teaching that the Journey of life is sometimes tumultuous and there are waves that want to overwhelm me I don't want to fight the wave I say this is the new land that you're showing me now I'm in I embrace it I embrace it I bend my head I Surrender my head surrender my head means I'm not going to get stuck in my ego I'm not gonna get stuck in my defensiveness I'm not gonna get stuck in fighting you and getting angry at you and getting angry at me and getting having anxiety from the fact that it's not supposed to be this way so either I'm a horrible person or you're a horrible person so either I'll run away or I'll fight or at least I'll just get so anxious but what if I could say maybe my destination is not something I ever knew or anticipated it's exactly where I am and I could let go of expectations and open myself up to a different type of Journey this is a very personal experience it's really not even a lecture what I'm doing now I know I'm speaking as a sheer as a lecturer it's really it's a meditation it's really a group therapy type of thing or personal therapy now I'm not going to have you all stop and start breathing and closing your eyes you could do that later when you get home but what I'm trying to say is a very personal experience a very personal Journey everybody knows it in their life and it's not an avoid I do once and I mastered it every day is a daily instruction because yesterday's yesterday's Redemption becomes today's exile yesterday's emancipation becomes today's expectation so today I'm challenged and I'm empowered to say you know what can you open yourself up more can you open yourself up more no no I already know everything the moment I know everything I know nothing foreign can I open myself up what's the journey today what's the opportunity there and don't worry life will offer you a new opportunity every day especially if you got kids wherever you are in life life will offer you a new opportunity every day a new opportunity to flex muscles to flex and stretch we all know what stretching is like stretching is not comfortable if it's a real stretch I'm stretching myself but it allows for the circulation to flow it allows for the adrenaline it allows for more energy there's also spiritual stretching emotional stretching the ultimate stretch is I'm not telling you where you're going so which muscle do you stretch you stretch the muscle of opening yourself up to mystery it's called the muscle of surrender the muscle of surrender is a very very powerful muscle can I stretch it stretching it means not I surrender in the sense that I become a I surrender in this sense I open myself up to a much higher self my Divine calling my life [Music] foreign not only the land I will show you the land in which I will show you you the land which will allow you to lift up a mirror and hold a mirror to yourself the land that shared in Hebrew means I will show you and I reckon I will show you to you imagine I tell you you could meet this person and when you meet this person all this person will do is she will hold up a mirror to you those are the best meetings they will hold up a mirror so you could see you Hashem says I want to hold up a mirror to you this is the land that will hold up a mirror to who you really are for this I have to be able to say goodbye to who I expected and anticipated I am and what my life has to look like because if I hold on to that I'll never ever be able to seize the moment Carpe Diem I'll never be able to open myself up to this opportunity so here's the counter-intuitive lesson the counter-intuitive lesson is if I tell you where you're going you will never be able to go to that place only when I don't tell you where you're going in other words you have to be able to say I don't know that's when you find that place because in those words I don't know there's so much depth it means I'm not taking it personal I'm not controlling it there's no ego I'm not obsessing I'm not afraid it's not about guilt in those words I don't know I could forget I could say you know what I don't know it's fine show me I'm open that openness is not a weakness that openness is your greatest strength it's like a body that could just stretch if I can't I'm stuck the moment you need me to be flexible oh no no no I don't go there I have to get angry I'm the cedar tree I fight you but if I could stretch why can I stretch because I'm comfortable in the place of not knowing foreign it says that pirate was blown away by Yosef why he said I heard the language that I don't know so the basis so the Gary everyone said para he had many many experts they all had comment one common denominator they always said I know the first one who said I don't know was Joseph pirate said what's the meaning of my dreams and you know what he said Hashem knows I don't know I'll try to be a conduit and tell you what Hashem thinks I don't know Pottery said you don't know whoa you're my man you're my prime minister what is the yes of not knowing I also don't know I'll tell you why because in life the ability to really say I don't know you ask me what time it is I don't know I don't know but to really say I don't know I don't know from a place of deep openness to Infinity I don't know not because I'm lazy I don't know not because I'm weak I don't know because I'm opening myself to a reality that's higher than knowledge that's higher than Seiko that's higher than a saga that's why I don't know now you become infinite now you become infinite now you become a channel for a whole different level of a journey therefore for a whole different level of success makes sense what I'm saying I hope not too much though because if it makes too much sense it defeated the purpose right like I told you last week about the self-help section in Barnes and Noble you remember it should make a little sense but not too much sense and and this is very practical in people's lives sometimes a family experience is a terrible tragedy the worst thing we can do at such a time is say I have it figured out sometimes you experience within yourself a terrible sense of loss or a surprise of any level it could be psychologically physically emotionally financially spiritually affecting you affecting your loved ones maybe many people that think people things that people don't know about sometimes people discover things later in their life and it changes your whole trajectory the worst thing you do at that moment is I know it's not a big deal I have it figured out we got this covered we don't got it covered we don't got it figured out svasloid but I'm gonna be open sometimes comes with a lot of grief because I have to say goodbye to the land that I do know I do know this land it's very safe I always walked on this path it was very suddenly it's blocked I can't go here anywhere can go here it's a very very vulnerable place but Hashem tells avram if you go with me on this journey you won't lose yourself you'll find yourself in fact you're going to become a source of blessing for the whole world every nation will be blessed by you you're not going to die in this process you're going to become Eternal in this process you're going to become immortalized in this process what do you mean there's nothing going to be left of me everything is going to be left of you because you're on a different Journey you know last year I picked up a book somebody lent me a book it was titled the happiest man on Earth and I was very surprised by the by the title who's the happiest man on Earth so I opened the book and I read it it's a biography of a man named avraham yakubovic talking about avram Abraham jakubovitz he writes a biography okay and I have to say probably one of the old one of the maybe in history a book that was written at the age of 100. I don't know if I ever saw a book written by a man a hundred years old of ramyakovich Maisha wins Maisha wrote the title when he was 120. but that doesn't count because he was taking dictation but this man at the age of 100 wrote of books I read through the book it's a fabulous story it's good to read a happiest man on Earth he was born in 1920 in Leipzig Germany Prussia 1920. when Hitler came to power his family changed his name because they sent him to engineering school they didn't want him to be persecuted in 1938 November November 8th he came to surprise his parents for their 50th wedding anniversary he came into the house nobody was there of course it was crystal macht the night of broken glass his family of 20 went into hiding he was left he was in the house alone he didn't know why his parents are not there with their dog Lulu five o'clock in the morning 10 SS monstrous came in they attacked him Lulu tried to protect him they killed the dog and they engraved a swastika with one of the one of their boy Nets one of their guns somebody engraved the swastika on this boy avram yakubovic he said that moment I lost my dignity my Humanity they sent him to buchenwald he escaped escaped Germany ended up in France got arrested and was put on a train to Auschwitz from the train station he stole a screwdriver and a hammer he had a nine hour Journey from France to Auschwitz for close to nine hours he was unscrewing the they called flash boards the you know those boards on the bottom of the train and when we were at the border leaving France and Strauss near Strasbourg he crawled under and he got out he escaped to Belgium his family also escaped to Belgium and he met up with them and they were hiding on an attic in 1943 somebody informed upon them to the Gestapo and the whole family was sent to Auschwitz Mengele sent both of his parents to the gas Chambers immediately because he was an engineer he survived this man escaped from Auschwitz a very resourceful guy he pushed escape from Auschwitz in one of the trucks but he was shot by a Polish Farmer in the leg and he realized he won't survive so he went back to Auschwitz he walked back the Nazis never realized he disappeared and a Jewish doctor took out the bullet from his calf and ultimately he was placed on a death march in 1945. the death march he walked for days without bread without water and if he stopped for a moment you were shot and he realized he can't and he saw a ditch he saw a ditch and he managed to escape and jump into the ditch without being noticed and six months he was in a ditch surviving on snails and snugs and water there was a stream of water the water was poisoned so after six months he became poison and he became deathly ill and he couldn't stand so he decided to crawl to the nearby Highway hoping that a Nazi will see him and shoot him and take him out of his misery because he was just deathly ill this was May 45 but instead of a Nazi seeing him an American Tank saw him they lifted him up they put him in the hospital he was there for six weeks the nurse told them when he came in I don't think you're gonna make it but he survived he survived he went back to Brussels to Belgium Brussels to see maybe somebody survive he had one sister who survived Henny she was also an Auschwitz and he met her and they rented an apartment they got a job they rented an apartment and he said one day he sworn the newspaper that two Jewish girls went up on a bridge in Brussels and they jumped off to kill themselves but they landed on a barge and they survived and they were arrested because you weren't allowed to do that and they were put into a mental asylum in in Brussels two girls and he said he said Eddie said I decided I have to go visit them and he got permission he went to visit them and he spoke to them for a few minutes he saw that the conditions in the institution were horrible they were appalling they were inhumane and he's speaking to these girls they were both in Auschwitz and he realized that they're completely lucid and sober but they just didn't want to live they didn't commit suicide because they were mentally challenged they just didn't want to live because they lost everyone in their family they didn't have a will to live he went to the director of the institution and he said these girls don't belong here they don't belong they were in Auschwitz I was an Auschwitz let me nurture them back to health besides anybody who comes in here even if you're normal after three three months you go out mad he gave him permission he took the girls into him and Henry his sister's apartment and because they were both an Auschwitz they can empathize with these girls and they literally nurtured them back to health and they said he sent them off and he writes there they got married they continued they married two Jewish men they continue their correspondence he met in Brussels a Jewish girl another Survivor Flora he married her and they moved to Sydney Australia he said but I was such a bitter miserable man I was miserable and then in 1950 his first child was born and he writes he says I looked at my first child's face and all the joy that I had till I was 18. came back to me he said and then I made a choice I'm not only going to be happy I'm going to be the happiest man on Earth he said I decided I'm going to be happy I'm going to love life I'm going to love my family I'm going to love people I'm going to be kind at 100 years old they told him it's time to write a book so two years ago he turned 100 and he published his book the happiest man on Earth the same year he gave a TED Talk 6 000 people and he told his story and he said I learned that every day I have to choose love or hate friendship or negativity celebration or misery is I still miss my mother like crazy she was gas in 1943. so he said if you have a mother go home hug her and tell her that you love her because I can't tell that to my mother since 1943 when she was taken to the gas Chambers he finished his speech it was really moving he got a standing ovation for people were were mesmerized but he added one detail he said when he was a kid his father used to tell him Abraham his name was Abraham jacobowitz and later became Eddie Jacob of Ron became Eddie Abram became Eddie and Jack above it became jakku so his father used to tell him Abraham Eddie there's always more joy in giving than in taking so but he never understood what he said in 1946 when he saved those two girls the Jewish girls from the mental asylum in Brussels and brought them back to life and gave them back their soul he said his father's words came to life Eddie there's always more joy in giving than in taking at the age of 101 literally one year ago he returned his soul to its maker at the age of 101 October 12 2021 the sixth day of heshven 5 7 82 tuition pay baseman so this is his first yard site his first yard site and when I was reading the story and contemplating his life I thought to myself the happiest man on Earth shouldn't the title have been the most miserable man on Earth after all of his experiences after everything he went through after everything he saw after everything he saw how did he turn his life to the point that he could sell a book and it sold very well it sold in the Millions the happiest man on Earth and he really believed it I'm not sure I know the answer and it'll probably be pretty audacious to say that I know the answer but perhaps one aspect of it has to do with this if Eddie jakku would have decided this is what my life is supposed to look like in order for me to be happy I promise you happiness could not become part of his life but he had that courageous flexibility the gift Hashem gave the first Jew and every Jew since every descendant of Rama Vino and really by extension a gift that the Jews ought to bring to the world and that is that real profound ability to be able to open myself up to the mystery of life's journey that I may never be able to fully understand and know and grasp and control that I won't be able to grasp through intellectual creativity or genius but I will be able to touch through every day's experience of breathing the joy of being immersed in life and in the gift of life and in the ability every moment to ask what is the land that you want to show me today because that's the land where I want to be have a wonderful and beautiful week thank you [Music] next week 9 30 Tuesday A.M yes tell your sister that we miss her daughter in the kitchen real experiences yeah excellent question yes so I don't think we could negate our triggers I think we can have compassion it's a moment of Life yeah opportunity right yes it's an opportunity for connection so I think the process is first of all you got to breathe second of all you have to have empathy for the trigger because it's coming from a very real place right so I'm being triggered I would love to give you a speech about a lot of things and I could feel that and I can have compassion that this is my feeling and I could make space for the pain that I'm experiencing without judging it wait no no no you can't skip this if you skip this if you skip this and you repress the pain it's going to come out in a passive aggressive way okay so you don't skip this you have to first feel that it's painful it's painful it's difficult only after that okay almost like I have to cuddle the baby inside of me that needed that assurance that her pain is is Justified my pain is Justified I'm not a bad person after that take a moment yeah take care of it you're welcome thank you for coming thank you thank you for coming thank you today is good or tomorrow just one second you tell me so uh between between two and uh you have a telephone sure so let me uh you mind putting in the number I'll have to call you just do you mind mind calling it call yourself from here you mind calling yourself from here and then I have to choose and say this is an opportunity for connection what can I say that instead of creating distance or create more connection right and okay we all do it's not we all do you're welcome just one second let me let me just answer you called yourself Okay so um I'll have to call you because I have to do another few things I'll call you you'll you'll answer this number I'll probably call in two hours and I think then we can validate we could say oh I'm so sorry you feel there's no food what do you think we can do in a very calm way yeah yeah let's be curious together I wouldn't like argue oh there's a lot of food oh don't be spoiled I'll make yourself an egg oh it's a good question right because it's not coming from the facts her statement about no food is not a fact you understand there's 90 000 things to eat we all ate dinner tonight there's a lot of leftovers but the chicken is disgusting the potatoes more disgusting the rice is horrible so I would validate and then be curious yeah that's a good question what do you think first of all you're not the enemy anymore you're on her team you're a friend oh yeah I also say yeah let's talk a search and then she has to come up with the idea you don't have to come up with the idea I love the idea about the defensiveness just kills them yeah defensiveness doesn't make people closer people use keyboard over aim because they're becoming defensive I said you don't need it it's you don't have to be defensive this child is in pain don't be defensive they're not they want to be close to you you understand they're not bad people yes what do you want to ask you have to remind me um I emailed you last week my daughters don't have a school oh Wanda yeah Okay so so she was do you know anyone's in Denver