Identify the form of Neglect,

okay we have people from all over the world could you imagine new jersey new york well that's all over the world for me very good so let me show you the screen just one second [Music] okay beautiful thank you cleveland thank you so much okay here we go so welcome back everyone before we start let's check in get grounded and be mindful of where we are how you feeling how's your inner child have you had a busy day or maybe not so busy might be a little bit lonely just to be aware of where we're coming from and where we are and become aware of the surroundings around you and then we go inside we check in how we feel physically emotionally and today we're going to go to step number three of the healing process which is to identify the form of neglect so we had we've done the first one to acknowledge the inner child and many of us have met the inner child everybody in a different state some positive some negative which is okay whatever comes up is okay and last week we've learned a little bit of how to validate and what it means basically when we do become in touch of those feelings of their child to be able to sit on the side and be there not to fix not to come up with any solutions and uh not the parents which most people want to parents you know why shouldn't we tell our kids tell them or tell our own child inner child whatever you're feeling why are you feeling that way just do this just do that you don't have to feel that way but what we're doing is validating because one of the reasons why we're not in touch with our inner child is because when they were young when we were young we didn't have the adult to validate so basically subconscious we decided you know what i don't need it i'm fine and it gets suppressed and as if everything is fine and emotions shut down but now that we're learning how to get back in touch and learn how to validate so we have to be very careful when these things come up just be here and let it come up no matter what comes up there's no right or wrong whatever comes up it just is this is how you feel now and like you mentioned you know if your child comes home and says they're sad about a situation don't tell them why they shouldn't be or they're scared there's a storm outside and they're scared they come to share they actually come to the adult they come to the appearance and they feel that they can share and if the adult says why are you being so silly and if you do it enough times basically what they learn is emotions no we got a man up no emotions we put it on the sides and uh it's not accepted so here we are everybody in a different way of of our beliefs um what we picked up when we're very young but now then we connect again we have to remember be there and be able to validate and then we go to number three which we'll be discussing tonight here we go to identify the form of neglect you experience now this can be a little bit tricky to identify what happened so if it's something that we know is something very clear there was a clear abuse when you were young or very clear the relationship um of the parents wasn't really the way you know screaming or physical abuse so these things are pretty much uh things that are not so hard to remember and we know where we're coming from if that's what happened but well tonight we're going to be discussing a little bit more of emotional abuse and complex emotional neglect which these things are many people have a hard time to to get in touch and um really this is what tells us subconsciously that uh it's not okay to have feelings and we don't we're not even aware of it so i don't know how long you're with us on this journey but in the beginning you might it might be harder to understand what are we discussing what's this what's the emotions how do i feel it and um eventually slowly with you know a little bit of information every week you get you get in touch you slowly look out and you realize things you do like things you don't like and you become in touch again with those emotions which for many were shut down because of whatever neglect it was and again if it was something that you can identify right away probably verbal abuse or physical abuse or something that really happened or somebody for example if somebody was in a car accident so they know when they were young they were in a car accident then it's something that they're scared of um but it's something that they know but if it's emotional abuse or emotional neglect sometimes people are not aware of it and they could be walking around saying i had a pretty nice you know i grew up things were okay that's where the complex comes in you're not even aware uh emotional abuse sometimes you could identify very fast if you had a parent or an adult who always used to constantly belittle so then you do then you are aware of it but when it comes to the complex emotional neglect is is really what they didn't get so childhood emotional neglects it happens when when a parent doesn't give the child the needs that that they that they need so it's something that you might not notice but subconsciously you might feel disconnected um not needed and like we said you know the feelings nobody is able to be there for them to to give them to understand what their feelings are and the complex basically means it's like a series of events it's not like a one-time thing it happens you know it can be daily weekly and slowly the child uh thinks it's something that's normal i guess this is life this is normal and eventually you're shut down so it is important to to be aware of if somebody is having a hard time to ex to remember so remember your childhoods so we did come up with two weeks ago like certain ideas of just to sit back and try to remember what were your dreams what did life look like what did he grow up who were your friends maybe you were bullied maybe not maybe you weren't included um have you moved many times what was it like did you have someone to talk to or in school friends you know these just small things and sit there and remember and it might take time for people to come up with these stories but slowly you can you can start feeling that there could be a deep sense of lowliness of maybe uh a lack of protection that you would have needed wanted from an adult or you might have wished that you wanted some more information by certain things that happened and maybe you tried asking somebody and you had no one to talk to so when you take time and you go back to think about those young years and it's not always comfortable because eventually things come up whether positive negative you start remembering stories many people when they start on this journey they don't remember much you know everything was fine but when that happens if somebody feels they don't remember too much and everything was fine you know basically what that means that you're it's possible that it's shut down you don't want to remember and there are probably reasons why so if you do take time and just see what comes up remember small stories your relationships with friends and adults and where you went and let them come up you can write them down and you start feeling certain feelings if it gets too hard then obviously this some a lot of this work many people would need to do this with a therapist because it brings up real trauma and there's a reason why they don't want to go back there but it is very important like i'm saying that there are people that are walking around saying everything is fine what happens is that now as an adult they also think everything is fine but they're trying to figure out why am i not feeling content why am i or not happy with where i am there is something missing and the same way they can't they're disconnected from their youth they're disconnected from their emotions now also so we need to open it up a little bit so gently gently let's open it up and again if it's too hard and you have to seek out to do it with professionals there are a lot of therapists out there that do this every day but this is basically the idea to identify the form of neglect the stories it doesn't have to be anything major it could be something small how you felt now some people want to know how do i know how do i know if i had emotional neglect here are some ideas of if you feel these feelings then probably you had somewhere something that you couldn't connect to so let's see them number one you're not aware of their feelings like we discussed not aware of it when you were young and you're not aware of it now you're saying there's no everything is fine everything fine means no ups and downs i'm good i do everyday the same thing i'm fine no ups and downs no ups and downs how could that be so basically it's you're not in touch and then if somebody's on their phone all day or they're busy with their routine which from the outside looks amazing but they can't take time to stop and just relax and be with themselves to just be and go from you know a human doing which we do all day to become a human being just be so they have a hard time doing that then there are people who feel there's something missing i am so successful with things are working out sparkle shine i look around there's a lot to thank hashem for but for some reason there's something inside of me that you can't pinpoint what it is there's something missing i don't feel and you can't even explain it so there's something inside over there that we need to discuss some people can feel hollow there's like some whole emptiness disconnected they get easily overwhelmed or discouraged a low self-esteem they don't really believe in themselves in what they do perfectionism it's only when i do something perfect which is not possible because we're human so this person is walking around empty not believing that that he's okay she's okay and things are working out they're accomplishing because nothing is perfect and when feelings come up whether it's yourself or somebody sharing feelings are bad then you're self-critical feel shame it comes up a lot and hard time trusting others but i want to stop for a second to discuss that deep sense of disconnect of loneliness which we know that it doesn't mean you have friends or not you can have a lot of friends especially today which is on social media you have a lot of followers you could be busy it looks like you're popular but when you close that phone before you go to sleep when the world is sleeping you're by yourself there's a sense of loneliness something you're not sure what it is and usually that's a connection with the self how you perceive yourself and that's what we're discussing something that we picked off it might be it might be a belief when we're young about yourself who am i and just to be with myself and that's could be the inner child that that we need to connect to so these are some feelings that if somebody feels usually it means they're there there's some form of neglect when they were younger now before we continue we're just going to go on to just like a few of um parenting um how people parent and to see if we've gone through this these um you know again we're not here to blame it's just to become aware and to see how we need to parent ourselves before we go on to parent our inner child we want to become aware of how when we grew up what types of parents did we have so we're going to go through the six types and we'll do it a little bit i guess slow and fast you don't have to understand it right away let it sink in see if something comes up if you if it resonates with you so let's do this the first one authoritarian parents what do they want they all they want for the children is to follow the rules and they have very little time or inclination for listening to a child's feeling and needs all they want is there is something that you need to follow this is what we do and this is that's it there's nothing much to talk about and children usually have a lot of emotions when they're young they want to discuss they want to share but again these all these they want is just do the way i said and this is how it works so what happens when these kids get older some of them might rebel and say why why should i follow why should i just do what they want me to do i don't want to so they can rebel against authority or they become submissive they don't rebel but they they're not they're not really following they just like like um you know let things go the way they want just let it go so these are this is idea number one then you have permissive appearance to let the children pretty much tend to fend for themselves take care of yourself if you need something go get it do we have to do it the parents are not really available and those kids who grow up with friends that not available have a hard time understanding um they have a hard time setting boundaries setting limits maybe there was no bedtime um i don't know how they got to school if there was no getting the bus in the morning or maybe they walk late if you live in a place where you can walk and whatever happens happens parents are just not available let things just let it happen then you have sometimes parents are narcissistic qualities they feel the world revolves around them i need you to do certain things because of me so everything is about the parents the parents are building their house so the kids need to do what they want what the parents wants so there wasn't enough time to discuss with the child what do they feel what would they want maybe they want something different so they have a you know difficult time identifying what the child needs the child doesn't know basically they can shut down i don't have any needs or they don't deserve i don't have needs i don't deserve these you're not in touch with the needs because there's no me i'm not important so when you grow up you know you might be doing the right thing and from the outside it looks beautiful but there could be something inside nagging and it all comes from those early years that they didn't give you that that permission that feeling of that you deserve and just to listen to you perfectionistic parents so they need their kids to be perfect because they are perfect or they try to be perfect and they try to push their kids which from the outside looks amazing you can do more you can do better if you think about it there's a lot of anxiety there's never a situation where you can just fine the kid came home with an 82 or a 75. what happens if a kid comes on with 69 it's over they need their kids to do a hundred a hundred and one 102 always can be better these are the parents who may complain when a child being a report card with all a's and one b because what what do they see the only thing they see is the b take a test ten questions nine nine is right one is wrong what do you see that's the perfectionist we see that only that lack only that you can do much better why didn't you get that one right all you see is what's wrong so what happened to these kids they may grow up to be perfectionist because the only way you're accepted is if you like my parents and i have to be like them so that's perfectionism and then they set unrealistic high expectations for themselves so there you go you understand where anxiety comes in and always feeling not enough so here you go you have this person who is from the outside perfect and they're constantly they're working and doing great and they're the expectations is amazing and people with people say you know i wish i could be like that person just everything everything around them looks perfect but really what's happening is they never can stop because that's something inside nagging and saying you're not enough you have to continue you're not enough you have to continue helping the last how long could it last and that's why we can't come back come down come to ourselves and just be and the last one is the absent appearance removed from a child's life for many reasons it can be a death illness divorce they work long hours they travel now these kids they grow up by themselves and if it's an oldest child they take care of the family and from the outside again it looks perfect looks amazing she's the one who runs the home but she didn't have her childhood and if if you're the oldest and you feel this way you have to let yourself that inner child didn't have those years that just understand me where i am what i need and this is what we need to stop and go back there feel and let's live again and believe that we're enough basically next week we're gonna continue on number four to embrace your emotions because stopping and doing these exercises could be hard what we need to do is number one to see what comes up learn how to sit with these emotions and many times what we do need is a therapist so before we finish tonight i would like to do the affirmations again let's see what it brings up and with that we'll end so take a deep breath if you're still up relax yourself and just listen to what i'm saying it's okay to feel this way my feelings are valid i'm proud of myself this is hard what do i need to cope or feel better it's okay to cry i'm making progress i am worthy i'm more than my accomplishments or failures my self-worth isn't based on other people's opinions everyone makes mistakes my feelings matter and i will listen to what they're telling me i trust my instincts not everyone likes me and that's okay i like myself what do you like about yourself and we mentioned you should come up with a list of ten things it could be hard for many people say i am a calm pers i am brave i'm reliable i have leadership skills and you can see when i say this and if you do it slower the negative sometimes can come up if i say i am a calm person really sometimes i get mad but that doesn't mean you're not a calm person so eighty percent of the time you're calm why are you not finding that eighty percent take credit for that and even if it's only 20 you got to start somewhere so that's it for tonight if you have any questions you can raise your hands put them in the chat and let me know if what came up while we were doing the work if you were able to identify to any of these ideas anything that came up when you were younger or even at the end when i said the affirmations what negative comes up or maybe you have some positives to share which i will be more than glad to listen to so thank you very much please share whatever came up any questions in the in the chat so we can get them answered for those who have a hard time connecting to those feelings it just give yourself a few minutes a week a few minutes a day just to sit just to sit and you'll see things are going to come up things will come up we don't know what it is and that's part of the work we don't know what we're feeling when you feel you have to take out that phone and you tell yourself i'm okay and just continue breathing you know there's some feeling inside of you saying don't do this during the affirmation yes you start if you start you know this is beautiful my feet start tingling during the affirmation not sure why see i'll tell you why while we do this work changing the way we think and we're stopping slowing down saying these affirmations sometimes you can connect to them sometimes you can't but we do feel changes in our physical body too and that's part of it because what we're looking for is like to relax to stop and to get our body rejuvenated again because if we're always running there's always anxiety and it can be subtle anxiety so that's good you start feeling feeling physical feelings i am an oldest and it's possible that you go you're going between perfectionism and being absent yes 100 very important just let these things come up you're only going to realize it when you stop stop take a few minutes every day and see what comes up certain things you want to do and you're not doing because of perfectionism or you're not in touch stay there and breathe see what comes up wow there's a lot of positives and negatives but beautiful these things that you remember moving into uncle's house yes all of those feelings did you have someone to talk to about it especially if they weren't healthy and many times again we're not here to blame the adults we're going through whatever they're going through like maybe they didn't go to such a training or their parents talk about holocaust survivors it's it's important to realize where we're coming from what we feel if you feel like your teenage years were taken from you it's never too late and we're not discussing even teenage we're talking about little kids what if you feel like you didn't have that chance to just play and there's research research out there that adults just have some time in their day which they just play sounds funny what would you do if you would give yourself a few minutes to play it sounds for some people you look at me like i'm crazy but that connects you back to who you are believing that yes i am i don't need to perform to be i just am who i am and i'm happy and i love myself and you can come up with whatever it is okay thank you very much for your feedback which is amazing continue with the work it might be a little bit hard if you could continue by yourself beautiful if you need to reach and reach out to professionals do yourself the favor sit into a room with somebody that could understand hold your hands but if you can do it yourself you basically spend spending time some time with yourself and see what comes up thank you very much thank you and have a good night and a great great week you can always send anything that comes up to coach menachem gmail.com for those who want to listen to the recordings you can find the manathenburnfield.com top left you'll find all the 20 past recordings thank you and have a good night you