How to Raise Jewish Kids Who Love Judaism (Even If They Don't Fit the Mold) | Elisheva Segelman

Sometimes I have a hard time listening to [music] the podcasts and the the people who sometimes feel like, "Oh, I I have the answers." And I'm just like, "Well, have you met my kids?" Hello there. I'm Tanya Kazanov and you are listening to Human and [music] Holy. Today's episode is a conversation about how to infuse our homes with joy and love of [music] mitzvos and God and Judaism. How to meet each child where they are at. how to discern what every child needs. [music] We ask some really real questions about parenting, like, are you a hypocrite if you enforce a value in your home that you do [music] not keep fully in private? What do you do when your child doesn't fit into the regular Jewish school system? [music] Should you expose your child to values that are different from yours? [music] And what does it look like to really champion and believe in your child wholeheartedly as they [music] navigate the ups and downs of becoming a person and coming into their own in their own relationship with Hashem and with their Judaism. This is a conversation with Ellie Sha Seagullman who is an incredibly dynamic Revitzson college teacher, educator and also just a very real person mothering her own children [music] and navigating what it looks like to enter an environment of joy and confidence in your child's abilities [music] and how to resource yourself so that you can truly bring Jewish values to life in [music] your child's life in a way that can sustain them as they make their own life choices. Before we get started with today's episode, I want to ask you a quick favor. If you love Human and Holy and appreciate the work that we do, make sure that you are subscribed, hit the follow button, and if you've already followed, leave us a rating or review. It's a small lift from you. It really supports Human and Holy in continuing to bring you the best content possible. Let's get to [music] today's episode. Ala, welcome to Human and Holy. >> So excited to have you here today. >> So honored. My gosh. First of all, you have the best personality. You're so much fun to be with, and you're full of wisdom and always so real. So, I'm very excited for that. >> I appreciate you saying all of that. I don't believe everything but I appreciate I appreciate you saying it. I really do. [clears throat] >> Introduce yourself. Tell us a little bit about who you are. >> Uh so my name is Ali Shaba Seagelman. I Bar Hashem married to my husband Elon Seagelman. Rabbi Elon Seagelman who is the RV of Ying Israel of Hancock Park and he is the rabbitical adviser for Pua in America. So those are two roles that make me the rabbiton of young Israel Hanok Park and married to Pua. So that's one aspect of my life. Barak Hashem. I personally um work in Yavna. Yeah, I work in Yavna as the director of programs K through 8th. That is my love of life and for middle school girls. I am a kala teacher and I run a day camp in the summer in New York. 700 kids, 250 staff. Love it. I love programs. I love bringing simha life. love all of that to children. Um, yeah, those are my jobs. >> That's what I do in a nutshell. >> Married to a college teacher obsessed with educating children. >> Yeah. No, no. I love any way that I can infuse positivity into children. Um, I'm all there. I'm there and I'm for it. And I I think a lot of my jobs and my choices, thank God. Thank God my choices in my jobs um have very much stayed true to my beliefs, my core beliefs and a lot of my own personal history of what I had gone through as a little kid in the school system to realize where there are pockets where we can really infuse children with confidence and positivity. So, thank God. I was a teacher for 12 years in New York. We only moved to LA 5 years ago. So, here we are. Here we are. a baby Californian. >> Yes. >> I feel like I'm still new. I'm still new. I am. [laughter] >> Well, also like once you live in LA longer than you lived in New York, then that's when this is going to be like home. Home home, >> right? >> I hear that. So, we're going to like [laughter] we're very far away from that. We're very far away. >> It'll be soon. It'll be soon. >> But thank God. I think people told me it's going to take 5 years. And I definitely felt like once we entered year four, I was like, "Oh, this is home. I don't need to go back to New York as often. And I do feel very lucky that I I do go back in the summers to see in-laws, parents, grandparents, like cousins. It's >> it's an infused time of >> And you're running a camp during the summer, too. >> So, today we're going to be talking about your great love, which is parenting, educating children with joy and passion for their Judaism. And this is something that I think every parent asks themselves, every educator asks themselves, how do you infuse children with a love and passion and personal connection to their Judaism? It's not so clear-cut how it's done. There are there is a lot of Torah on it, but being able to translate that Torah into the granular details of daily life, like it's 3 p.m. on a Tuesday and you're with your children and how do you respond or what does it look like to formulate my Shabas experience or how my children go to bed in order to have that long view of really infusing them with Judaism? >> Totally. >> It's not always so easy to parse out on our own. >> So, we're going to do that. We're going to dive in today. >> Okay. So the first thing I want to bring up is the piece says this in his book on education where he writes that a parent has to we have to look at children and recognize that we are looking at future adults. Like we're not just looking at children. We think about parenting young children and I know for myself like I look at my toddlers and it feels like they'll be toddlers forever. But then I talk to friends who have older kids and they're like in a minute you have adults before you. So, what does it look like to parent young children? Anyone who's in that season of parenting young children or educating young children, teaching preschool or elementary school, and you see an 11-year-old before you, but how do you look at that 11-year-old communicate Yiddishkai and Judaism and Jewish values in a way that like really sees them as the future adult and Jew that they're going to be? >> Okay. So, I want to answer that on twofold. Number one, I felt like it was very eyeoping during co when everyone was on lockdown and it like sparked something inside of me to be like, wait, we're making history. Our children are going to look back to this scufa right now and say, "Oh, I had a phenomenal time in lockdown. My parents were in good moods. This was thank god no one was sick or you know, depending on each each scenario." But there was something that like sparked inside of me to say, whoa, we're making history right now. And then thank God after the lockdown, it was like, wait, I'm still making history with them because they're still going to look back at their childhood and say, oh, this was something that never happened. This is something that always happened. And it really set up the framework to your children see you transparent. >> They see right through us. So, it's important that number one, you're true to who you are. And you can't fake it. Like, you you can't fake it in front of them cuz they will pick up on that in a second. M >> so I find that some of the times in infusing that Judaism and that love for Yiddish kite that's something that you have to do ultimately by yourself and it becomes something that your children can pick up on when you're I can say this from as a as a Rebbitson or as somebody who likes to talk to a lot of people for some reason Pesak has the worst rep for women it's the it's the hardest it's the most work and I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, hm, Pesak's my favorite Yantiff favorite said no one almost like actually >> I love it too. >> I love it. It's I'm I'm not even kidding you when I say and it could be that it's because I'm married to a RV and if I go through the other Yamov a lot of them are out of my control and they're shul based. So rashy kipper it's a shul yontiff like you feel that connection when you're standing in shul sukus it's your suka my husband sleeps in the suka not my favorite thing you know like I feel like there are there are elements to it that I love pesak is all about how you set your table and who you put at your table and you see you see it in front of you and it's it's palpable and your children get to see it and your children get to feel it. So when you live your life of like, "Oh, no, but I I really love this and I'm going to be verbal about it and I'm going to talk about it and I want them to hear it." And it's not just because I want them to hear it. It's because I believe in it. opening your home to opening up your home to or even them overhearing some of the conversations that you're involved with. It's important to always let them in because you are literally creating their memories and their history of how they're going to look back and say, "Oh, yeah, as a kid we always did this or my house was always like this." And that I think is one of the most fundamental things is just realizing that you are building these little humans into big humans. [laughter] >> That transparency that children see right through us and that if you want to engender your child with a love of Judaism, you have to have a love of Judaism is beautiful and a high call. And my instinct is is what if someone thinks like well in that PES example I hate PES or these there are experiences that are stressful for me so I want to give my children a love but like I'm not a perfect Jew like there are areas that I don't feel excited or passionate about what then you just need to find what you do love >> and that's part of every person can put on those negative glasses and say everything's bad everything's bad but then don't be surprised when your kid comes home and some people I know this was like a fad tell, you know, two two good things and then you can say two negatives or tell me one good thing and and when your kids's having a hard time saying anything positive about their day. Hi, look in the mirror like are you being an example of that? Are you exuding that positivity? They'll pick up on it or I'll give you like clear this is the funniest I think one of the funniest stories that I've when I teach my kas I always say and children really are transparent. So I have flesophobia. I also have benophobia which my own personal things you don't want to wash. >> I don't want to wash and I don't want to eat meat. But I've gotten better on the fleshophobia, the benophobia. I think there's like we can like dissect it. The fact that my meal is going to be over and then like I have to stop eating. I I just I don't want it to be over. Like about if I'm still hungry. >> Yeah. Like I don't want to know that my meal is over. So my my oldest when she was 8 years old and she says to me out of nowhere out of nowhere, "Mommy, whenever I'm with you, I forget to bench, but whenever I'm with Tati, I remember to bench." And I just like shoot like actually. And I was like, >> "Yeah, because mommy doesn't wash outside of shabas." Like and I and I was trying to like explain to her that like, "Yeah, because I just don't like benching." And then I'm like, "No, this is not a thing. If I want her to see that, oh yes, I wash, I bench, this is something, it's by example. >> It's by example. And I didn't wasn't going to explain to an 8-year-old what benchophobia was. Like, I'm not doing that. So, now you're like bread three times a day. >> I just make sure to be more open about those things, which it wasn't something that was necessarily easy. And I know I'm saying this in like a very like like but it really I feel like you have to find those things that you can focus on the good and then make sure that you share it. It's not >> it's not just you. It's not just you. >> You are fingerprinting the world with the next generation of humans. And it's how you want your children to grow up and remember and do that note of verbalizing the passion or verbalizing the joy. For example, you never verbalize that you're against benching, but she just never saw you benching. And I think that that element is really significant. Like so many people love Shabas, but to say out loud to your children when you light Shabas candles, I love Shabas. This is my favorite day of the week. just that's a fingerprint that wouldn't have been there just because they're not necessarily they are intuiting your calm and your joy. But to actually verbalize it, I agree that that has a stronger impact on >> 100% >> how you communicate. >> I also think that >> there's a fad or I don't want to say maybe it's not the right word. There's a movement of people putting on a certain act when they talk on the phone, when they're with their friends. They're the life of the party. They're so fun. Everything's great. And then when they get home, their children get the stress or the unwinding of I don't have any more patience. If you only knew my day, that's not fair. That's not fair. And the kids will pick up on it. Like they they're so they're sponges. Children are sponges. They probably know their parents better than their parents know themselves. So that's scary. That's scary. And depending on the age of the child is also like 2-year-olds pick up on things. Okay. So, question for you on this. A lot of parents have these areas where they see a value in something, but they feel like I'm not there yet. So, one example that I hear from people a lot is that they'll listen to non-Jewish music, but they don't want their children listening to non-Jewish music. So, when they're in private or working out, they're listening to in their headphones, but they would never play it for their children in the car, and they wouldn't allow their children to. Or some people might might have they might eat outside of the home in a in a vegan restaurant, but they would never let their child do that because they want because they recognize this value that they want to communicate to their child even if they personally are not in that place yet. And my question to you is is can we do that? Is that hypocrisy? Do our children see through that? Is there a way to educate when we see like a really clear value but we're like still struggling with that ourselves but we don't want to like taint the well, so to speak. What is parent? >> I think that there's I think that everyone has to be honest with themselves. Okay. And number one, I don't think there's anyone who has mastered everything. No. >> And when you say to your child, mommy's still working on that or that's something that you know what, I don't really want that for you because I'm creating a household of X, Y, and Z for you, but mommy's not there yet. or and this is something I do have some teenagers in my house and there are some things that I don't know that I would want them to mimic everything that I do or I'm setting them up in a different way and sometimes I'll say you know what when you're married and when you're older and developed fully you can make those choices for yourself but right now you're under my watch and there's certain things that I don't want you to be exposed to and I and I also think that on it's funny the music thing is like one of the biggest I'll get so many phone calls from girls who are just like but I just love country or I love this and it speaks to my nishama and I always and I have this conversation with my husband a lot and I've had it with his revi also of just like sometimes when you listen to a song and it inspires you to be closer to a bar and inspires you to to do better as a y I don't know I'm not I don't think we should really get into so much of okay is is English music so bad or whatever it is it has you have to know the effect that it has on you and when you're playing it for little children and it's a different effect that it has on them. They're not matured >> and developed and understand what the music is actually doing to them. So, and thank God, I mean, bar hashem for these 246 devices now that I feel like are making it so easy for children to just have all of the music at their fingertips and there's no wiggle room for looking for something that isn't the right thing. And a lot of today's music doesn't always sound so Jewish. Like it really has gotten it's upped its game to say like but it really similar. >> Yeah. It's it's it's really there's some really beady rocking music out there. So, but I I I think that >> there's room to say mommy's not perfect and this is not something that I necessarily want to expose you to right now. And I think that at the right time if you choose to do this call a cavode like I don't know I don't know that we can paint that path and say oh you're never going to do this. So basically, you think that it's appropriate sometimes if a parent is struggling with something that like, yeah, you you didn't change it in yourself, but you can still give your child a different value while being honest of like, yeah, in our house, we don't watch these types of movies because you're a child and you're developing and maybe when you're older, you'll make a decision like me to watch, but now in our home, we don't watch. Or you're not at the right age yet. Or like I don't I think that there's nothing wrong with saying, you know, when you I don't know, maybe I I grew up that I was allowed to watch movies when I was younger. My parents were very trusting, very trusting. And we lived in a different world. It was really a different world. And some of those movies subconsciously have an effect on you as an adult that I didn't even realize what I watched. Like I can give you an example. I was so excited when my kids were young. It was the first road trip that we were taking as a family. We're going on a 4-hour car ride and I was like, "Okay, I'm going to download like my favorite movies that I really want my kids to know." So I was like, "Okay, Finding Nemo, ultimate favorite." like ultimate favorite >> and the purest thing ever. >> Purest thing ever. Okay. Put it on the iPad. Put it in a very highish way. Hang it up from the minivan. Like I was all excited that like I got it in. Okay. Connected the music to connected the sound to the car. So my husband and I didn't see it. We can only hear it. The first 10 minutes of Finding Nemo, the mother dies, >> gets eaten by a shark. My kids were crying. No. No. Like scary music. the first 10 minutes and I didn't even see it. I was listening to it. My husband's like, "What did you put on for them?" And I'm like, "The rated R >> like like he's like this is a murder scene like like the mother got murdered and I was just like oh my gosh like oh my gosh >> what have I done? >> Totally didn't. And to this day my kids cannot watch Finding Nemo. It's it's not it's just not in there. >> I remember crying during Finding Nemo as a kid. >> So to me it's like some of these things that we were exposed to as a little kid. I don't even know that we even realized how >> sad or not >> age appropriate >> age appropriate, >> right? >> Or I just I don't know. I skipped over that and I just moved on. It's almost like a maybe a resilience. I'm not sure. I'm really not sure. But it's interesting how then when you play it for your kids and you're like no, this is a good thing that I want them to see. I thought it was funny. It was, you know, happy ending like just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Like I I quote it like as a life like no, you're going to get through this. We're going to do this. Like just keep swimming. We got this. and yet I wasn't able to show it to my family. I think what you're highlighting is is very deep, which is that the imprint that certain experiences have on children is different than on adults. So that's not necessarily hypocrisy when it's something that would have a very strong imprint on a child. And even in the example that I gave of eating out at a vegan restaurant, a parent maybe could dip in and out of that, like right now this is what I'm doing, but maybe later I'll change it. But if you give that to a child as a starting point, it's very hard for them to it's just they're so much more impressionable at that time. >> So what you expose them to is going to have a much larger impression. >> 100%. But I also I I very much believe you have so much power in creating that home and creating your home. Whatever you want to fill your home with, that is in your control. That is the people who you surround yourself with, the people who you invite in. How are they talking? How do they treat their children? How do they treat their spouse? All of these things, it it matters. You're you're really bringing in what you want >> in your home for your children to see. Now, I know I feel like I'm touching on an even bigger like, yeah, sometimes your kids will be exposed to couples or will be exposed to families and you're like, "Oh my gosh, I've had one of my children after we had," it wasn't here in LA, it was in Queens. And my one of my children came to me and said, "The mommy doesn't talk nicely to the Tati." >> And I said, "Yeah, I hear you. I hear you. It's really sad." Like, and they were upset by it, but I was so happy that they came to me. And I'm so happy that we were able to have a conversation about it and say, "Okay, what did you see? What did you feel? What do you wish was different?" And you can say that, well, everyone has different relationships. It was like a learning experience of, "Okay, so then when you get older, you're going to find somebody who speaks nicely to you." like and it was just like, yeah, you're going to be exposed to a lot of different things, but I think it's keeping >> the communication open with your children and really allowing them to have that space to learn. My question to you, wouldn't you say that that is more memorable, impactful, educational than never witnessing anyone that's outside of your values? Meaning, if you are exposed to things outside of your values, but you can have an open dialogue with your parents. For example, I grew up in a scha setting, which means my parents have a kabad house and most of the people that I was surrounded with did not have a religious background. And so there were questions about Hashem and observance and everyone was driving to Schul and like all of [clears throat] these things. And so I was exposed to all of that. But instead of that, that allowed me at a very young age to have these conversations with my parents about our values. And so it it quickly crystallized into like this is who I am, right? because of the not adversity but because of being exposed to otherness and having open communication with parents. So like in a way you have more education as opposed to less. Sometimes when you're in a homogeneous group you never get exposed to anything else and you don't even realize it doesn't crystallize the values in the same way. >> Correct. But it's a slippery slope. >> Okay. Meaning you have to be very careful because today I think I feel today's generation of children >> when things just look easier or better or I guess the word's easier. Okay, >> when things look easier, it's more enticing. So, if somebody says, "Oh, but I I can ride an electric scooter on Chabas, and that's going to get me there faster, and it's easier." Sometimes it's it's scary to expose little children who don't have that mature understanding of no, but that's not allowed to do. An experience that I had was going to high school in a from environment going away for high school when I was 14 took around heights and being surrounded by for example I went to mix school growing up I went to day school it was an experience of like exposure but I'm outside of this because I'm the I'm like I'm here as the as the as like an emissary of like from yiddishkite and I remember going to high school and there were a lot of girls who grew up in the environment who were like you're so lucky you had boys in your class that's so cool and I was like guys that's not that cool because >> did you Ever feel though that that pressure to always be great and perfect because you came from that family? >> Oh, a not not perfect, but I always felt and I think that this is something that really serves me. I always felt my life is beyond my own. Like I am I am representing Yiddish to people. I'm representing what it means to be a from Jew, what it means to be aid. And that has that is a thread that has carried me throughout my life really seeing that like yeah it's not just my own life. It's not just how I want to present myself in this moment. It's yeah I have a responsibility. >> Right. Right. So I think each family individually can instill that that excitement or that of like oh we're Seagullman's like this is what we do. This is how we roll. This is something that like ah so h like you're the luckiest you're the luckiest to be a seagullman because we are hashem fill our lives with and fill our lives with positivity. So I think every parent has that ability to infuse and literally just say to your children, "Wow, we're so lucky Seagulls. We're so lucky." And even >> from I I started doing this. I think I started doing this when I had younger. I think my oldest was not even in second grade when my husband >> started becoming busier with Pua and it was taking up a lot of time on the phone, family time. Like it was it it's it's it's a hard balance. >> You're married to Pua. >> Yeah. Yeah. It's we're we're all married. >> We're [laughter] all married. Var hashem. Um, and I started that anytime somebody Araf Shabas would drop off flowers, candy, a bottle of wine, which wasn't so kid-friendly, but I would always bring it to the kids and say, "Guys, you know how Tati was on the phone this week a lot? >> Somebody wanted to thank us. Somebody wanted to thank us for sharing our Tati and helping him." And then they felt like, wow, we're a part of this. We got this. Like this is our also because we shared because we did. And it's I think that love for helping Clius hopefully hopefully who knows I I feel like we can only try our best and say you know what if there was a rule book on how to be me our kids outside of the Torah but if there was a real do this do this do this and you will have perfection we would all follow it. Yeah. If you if you go back in history, a lot of us are looking at our own childhood and saying, "X, Y, and Z happened to me. I want it to be a little bit different. So, I'm going to try this." And guess what? Sometimes I say to my kids, "And you know what? When you're parents, you might do the exact opposite of what I'm doing. And I'm so excited to meet my grandchildren." Like, that's what I say to them. Like, I'm all for that. I don't think anyone has that exact recipe of perfection of this is going to be perfect. And even as for my own personal life, sometimes I have a hard time listening to the podcasts and the the people who sometimes feel like, oh, I I have the answers. And I'm just like, well, have you met my kids? you know, like like sometimes I just feel like it's it's it's not so easy and everyone has to really try their best and know who can be their support and who is their their cheerleaders in their corner of, oh, something happened and you don't love your reaction. You can still circle back. You can still go back to it and say, "You know what, guys? I was thinking about it. I love the way I reacted on that." And they're they're not expecting perfection. They just want honesty. They want real. I think that what you said of like we are Seagullman's. This is what Seagullman's do and having that sense of family pride is such a big part of educating like instilling this identity of like this is where you come from. This is what you represent that responsibility and also as a parent we obviously think about cultivating the personal identity and the personal individual path. This line from Shemise that I think like represents it so beautifully. Zaki von Vehu Alai Aiva Rau like this is my god of my forefathers and also my own. So it's both inherited and discovered and little talks about that with that like to give your child both an inherited Yadeshkite and a discovered Yiddish and so we're talking about like giving them that sense of responsibility. This is who I am. This is where I come from. We're a family that loves but then every child is also an individual and we know that we want to educate every child according to their path. So we spoke a little bit to how to give them that inherited Yiddish guy like this is where you come from this is who you are but how do you give them that discovered Yiddish kite to allow them to see how they can cultivate their own individual connection to their Yiddish guy. So I think trial and error that's number one is I don't I don't know that there's a perfect answer because again we would all do it then like you know what I mean and each child is so different but you have to put on your positive glasses and hone in on wow my kid is a real leader my kid loves babies my kid is so artistic my kid is full of words of affirmation they can build up a wall and make them feel great. Like when you are able to view each child with their strengths and then put them hopefully in the right setting to highlight their strengths. That's a full-time job in itself and especially when you have more than one kid and as they grow up and as their interests change. But you need to be aware of where your children can thrive and really feel like, "Wow, I rock that." Or like they feel so good about themselves. Because honestly, I I say this all the time for a parent to say, "Oh, I'm picking this school and I'm going to drop off my child." And yes, they spend more time on a school year of 10 months. You spend the school spends more time with my child than I do. >> But it means which is a scary thought. Yes, it's a very scary thought. But you're partnering up with your child's school to be Mane your child. So when your child comes home, you have just as an important role to be able to give them that confidence to handle real life. If we look at a person's life and say wow 12 years in a classroom 12 years they have to sit through and do a certain you know follow the rhythm there there's not a lot of wiggle room for >> spirited >> I don't want to say leed children with a lot of personality and so much kos when you hear there's so many podcasts out there who talk about who are the next billionaires and millionaires There's most successful humans out there. Guess what? It's all the kids with ADHD, ADD, and the ones who have an excitement for life and can't wait to conquer the world. But what we need to do as parents is make sure that we keep those kid, keep those children confident [clears throat] and not let anybody tarnish their awesomeness. So, personally, do we open up report cards in my house? [snorts] Nope. Nope, we don't. We don't because why? Why? I don't need my child to see a letter and then that define them. That's not going to be the end result. It's just not It's not if and if there's a problem with one of them, the teacher will call me. I'll be in touch with them way before the report card comes out. So, what does a report card do? I know I'm like new school, but I think that my parents I am one of five and my my siblings, all of them A++++ A++ students. I don't think they ever got an A. I think it was all A+. And then I came around and I was just different. Different in an amazing way, but just different. And school wasn't for me. Wasn't for me. And I will never forget the teachers who saw past. Okay, so I couldn't read. Okay, so I wasn't I I wasn't remembering what I was supposed to remember, but they were able to either build me up as an individual or they just highlighted an amazing quality of mine. So I'll give you two stories that literally live with me to this day. One was when I was in I think it was fifth fourth or fifth grade I had a Hebrew teacher her name was Mora Shooter [snorts] and everybody like in any school you read a puk you read a puk it's your turn to read a puk and then you decipher it and we learn about it and it was always like a pit in my stomach like she's going to call on me she's going to call on me I can't read Hebra she's going to call on me and one day she came over to me and said al shaba I'm going to call on you in 10 minutes to read this pasok. So practice game changer in my life in my life. She gave me that confidence that when she called on me, I was able to read. To this day, Moshe named his children. I know it by heart because those 10 minutes, 10 minutes, game changer. And I felt like, wow, I was able to read it to the class with confidence. And I felt so good. I felt so good. But nothing really changed. I still couldn't read. I was able to practice. But what she did for me in that moment, that's what I want to give back to children. Running a day camp. I remember as a kid, camp was the two months of the year that I felt like a million bucks because I thrived. I was good at all the things they asked me to do. Sports, arts and crafts, rah rah cheer on the table like color warp. Sign me up. And it had to last. That confidence had to last 10 months of the school year because I wasn't a great student. It wasn't for me. It wasn't. And again, in 10th grade, had a teacher, more misnik. I give her so much credit. She gave me an F. I deserved it. I deserved the F. And I remember she would always greet me with a smile in the hallway. Al Shaba, you're amazing. Love you. And then when I was outside of her classroom, I was in 11th grade. She comes over to me and says, "Ashava, can you please come on this leel loone? It was like for the ninth graders." And I said, "Mor Sunjek, but like you failed me." Like you give me an F in your class. Like I don't think you really want me to come on lay alone for the ninth graders. Like what kind of example? She's like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. She's like just because you failed a class doesn't mean you're a failure as a human. She's like you're an awesome positive. and she started going on and I was just like, "Oh, okay. Yeah, I would love to come and hang out with the nth graders and be a role model." Like, but she gave me that platform that, okay, so I failed McGill. Okay, not my thing. Okay, >> but and it was such a small thing to just maybe it's not such a small thing. It was such a big deal to me at the time where it was like, "Wow, there are mank." Okay, those are stunning stories. As you saw, the first one really brought me to tears because like the the sensitivity and the presence and the care of the teacher to give you that sense of like, I'm on your side. I want you to win. I see you. I see what your struggle is and I'm here to support you and to create the scaffolding that makes that possible for you is so beautiful and what comes to mind is um is a book by the previous about and education and he talks about how if you have the incorrect expectations of a person you might look at someone who thrives in one area and you think okay but like to make them wellrounded they also need to thrive in this area and you try to cultivate them specifically in the areas that they're not as good at you you think like okay maybe it'll succeed maybe it won't but In fact, it'll actually push them away from their Yiddish guy and from their sense of self. A child has inherent traits and you have to see their inherent traits and not try to make them something that they're not. We see this throughout Ty. We see this idea that like you you ask of a person what they are capable of. And every person is judged and assessed differently based on what their natural starting point is, what their natural gifts are. and as an educator to really see clearly what is this person's gift and how can I highlight and hone in on their gifts versus trying to create this perfect package that I perceive as the perfect Jew and then trying to stuff someone in a box saying like oh yeah you got an F in your class so therefore yeah you are kind of a failure like only seeing one element of a person which is obviously so damaging >> right 100% and it's not I don't blame the school system I'm not I'm not here to say oh please do this this this again If I had an excellent rulebook, I would give it to everybody. I I think that it is very hard to have a class of 24. And I I as a teacher myself and I was in the classroom for 12 years and I every beginning of the year I would like try to pick two or three kids that remind me of myself and said listen I don't really care how they do academically over this year. But if there's one thing that I'm going to make sure of is that they're going to feel so freaking awesome. Like really so phenomenal that when they leave my classroom they know their teacher loves them. They know that I believe in them and they got this. >> Okay. So, I want to ask you about about choosing your child's school because I think that part of this Samson Falh says Yakov and Asov went to the same yeshiva. They had the same upbringing. Why did one turn out of Saddic and one turn out of Russia? And he says it's because they went to the same yeshiva. Because Asov and a lot of a lot of commentators critique Yitzk a little bit in his raising of his children that Asov had so much potential to be a great man, but he was pushed into the same system as his brother Yakov who was gentle and sincere and someone who was naturally oriented towards Tyra. And Asov was a man of the field and he didn't belong in the same yeshiva as a Yahoo personality. And with our children, I feel that this is a really tricky thing for us as parents. Figuring out actually what school should I put my child in? And is my child a person of the field? Like maybe my child doesn't belong in the regular yeshiva system and belongs in a different area where they're not going to feel like a failure because they're not able to understand the gamarra in the same way. How do we choose the right schools for our child? Like how do we determine like, oh, this child, if I send this child to the same yeshiva as everyone else, it's going to spell the end of their Judaism. And if I send them if I really see them for who they are and send them to the right place for them, I'll be they'll be built up there because we are in partnership with our children's schools and has a big impact on them. >> Correct. Correct. But I also think that you have to give yourself more credit. >> Okay. So, yes, you can have two children that are in the exact same school. And I I do think that I have to be careful when I say this because I know that some schools have a policy where whether for better or for worse, they want all of your children. And you can't necessarily pick and choose. You can't send to different schools. >> Not necessarily. There are some schools who have >> that policy. So, I don't I I think I can speak from New York. I I can talk about the New York schools where I felt like it was a little bit harder in New York because there were so many schools to choose from that I felt like, wo, like the sky's is the limit. Like, do I want to send on the path that where I came from? Do I want to do a little bit different? And again, a lot of that comes from what you went through as a child. Exactly. So I think that when somebody says but wait a second I married somebody who is my perfect match and I am not my parents we're different we're different and to that I also think it's when I teach my kalas and I always ask them this is like headed in a different but it's important to mention when I ask my kalas do you think your parents were happily married when you were growing up and over the course I I think by the time I hit teaching a 100 kalas I had 12 girls who said yes. Only 12 girls who said yes. My parents are happily married. And it made me stop and rethink life. Rethink life. How could it be that so many girls are growing up in families that their parents aren't happily married? And then I decided okay stop. Once they start once they were married for a few years re circled back and they were married for five years and I would be like okay so remember college classes I asked you this question now I'm asking you now that you're actually in it and she'll be like oh yeah I was I was totally I was harsh on my parents like they probably really did sometimes exactly or like or they realize that like oh it wasn't actually as I perceived it because I was in this bubble of engagement and everything's going to be perfect and I want it to be X Y and Z when actually when you're put in the reality of it it's really not as bad or yes part of marriage is those ups and downs and that communication element. So so too when you put yourself and say oh I would never send my kid to that school because I grew up in that school and I remember feeling stifled or I remember you know not having the right information or the teacher whatever it might be. But then sometimes you have to say to yourself wait a second my child is a combination of me and my husband. So yeah, could I take dibs on which kids are more me and which ones are my, you know, which ones are more my husband? Yes. But I still think that they have different parents and I'm I'm raising them in a different home than I was raised in. So when you say yes, you have to pick a school and that's the trajectory. I don't I don't know that it's as powerful as people make it out to be because I find that people also feel like, "Wow, I'm making such a permanent decision." Nothing's permanent. Really, you can switch schools. And if you see that it's not working out for your child, you're going to make a change. I appreciate what you said, which is we underestimate the impact of the home. And I want to ask you about that soon like what the partnership is between the school and the home. Let's go deeper into the question. I think the deeper point is not actually about schools. It's about seeing every child as being distinct and recognizing that each child should and does have a different path and not having one image of each child. So even if they technically go through the same school system and they technically go through the same schools, knowing like, oh, this child is someone who is more intellectual or more sensitive and this child is someone who works well with their hands or this child is someone who's outgoing and builds people up and needs to be running youth programs and this child like how can a parent really hone in on what their child's natural self is because and and build them up in that way. >> 100%. So I have to give so much credit to my parents because a line that was said over and over and over again in my house was different kinderlock different things. >> Every child got what was good for them. Now I definitely was the one who started that trend because I needed different things than my siblings and I definitely pulled uh pulled I definitely caused some gray hair along the way for my parents. Like I I just I wasn't I wasn't a rule follower. I just wasn't No, I just wasn't >> I don't know. You said jump and I did jumping jacks. Like it was like one of those like I just always like went a little bit more or I felt like I don't know. School really wasn't where I thrived. So I had to find other places that I felt great. Like sometimes my father to this day says I paid a lot of money for your social life. >> [laughter] >> I don't know how much you actually learned, but I paid a lot of money for your social life. And I was just like, thanks a such good friends. And I and I loved the people that I was hanging out with. And my parents were okay with it. And yes, they paid a lot for tutors. And I went to a lot of different programs to try to help the reading and, you know, the different things. But I always like looking back at it now when my parents see me and they're like, "Oh, hashem like give us the most nahas." And all my siblings are like, "She gives you the most nahas because you were so nervous about how she was going to turn out." Not because she's no barash, they're all very happy. >> I just want to say like highlighting like you are such a smart person like it's clear that you are very sharp and intelligent. No, but that's really important to highlight and yet you were getting tutors and struggling intellectually in school, >> but it's not a reflection on your intelligence. And imagine your parents have been like h like what do we have? Like she from when I was very very young always. She said you were always my smartest kid. always my smartest kid. Even though school is not highlighting it, but you always were my smartest kid. Like if we had a babysitter that I didn't like, my mother was like, "There's for sure something up. There's for sure something up. If I shove and get along with everyone is like fun and like ready to party always like and if there was like it was it was a different skill set, different form of blame the school system. >> I you can't blame them for not being able to cater to every single child." And that's where the parents job really matters >> to to build the child up and to give them so much positivity, so much love, so much awesomeness that it's like it's palpable. It's palpable where a child comes home and it's good vibes. Like if if that means that a parent has to be home 10 minutes before their child to just, I don't know, use the bathroom, put on a pumpup music for yourself and then be like, I got this. And then you open that door and be like, "How is your day? We're gonna have a great day. Who's ready for a great like you need and I don't know that everybody has that level of energy that I necessarily have [laughter] mother. >> I just feel like like I I think that it's important. Dance parties are super important for children. And I also think that sometimes to cry with them when something's hard. Yes. Super important. Super important. I will never forget. I will again this is so much of my childhood that has built me into the person that I am today. But when I my parents allowed us I was I I was raised in a more open community. Um and my parents allowed us to pick any high school that we wanted and whatever high school you picked you had to follow the rules. and I picked a high school that had very little rules and I got rejected and I cried and cried and cried. Looking back at it, Hakash Baru totally had a plan and it was so obvious that I did not belong in that school. But I was devastated like how am I going to make this through? And I have a sister Bar Hashem, my other half. And I I will never forget it when she came to my room when I got the rejection letter and she said, "Alisha, if I could redo these next four years for you. I wish I could. I don't want you to have to go through high school because you're so awesome and feeling rejected. That's so hard. I want to do high school for you." And I just sat there and I was like, "My gosh, it's the nicest thing ever." like and it gave me that feeling of right these next four years might be really hard for me. They might be really really hard for me but I have to see past that. I have to see that that's not going to define me as a human outside of those 12 schooling years. >> I know. >> So wise so so so wise. And by the way as parents also to see that when our children are struggling in the school system to see that it's a chapter of their story. I also really did not thrive in school and I really it wasn't the best chapter of my life and a lot of kids are like that and I think more and more in today's day and age as like the world is changing so much you see how yeah life is nothing like school and if your child is really struggling in school or you're worried about them because of how they just can't fall in line or they're not like adapting to the way that the teachers want them to be and you're always getting complaints and the report cards are not great or whatever it is that your child is struggling with in school to recognize like these four years of your life or four years of your life. It's a chapter in your child's story. It's a it's massive. And if anyone's listening who's in high school and feels that, of course, when we look at our children, >> to add to that, like really what you're saying, two two points. Number one, >> and I I've said this so many times, so many times. I think I soon it will just be a part of me. But I very much believe that every child is holding one puzzle piece. One puzzle piece to a grand gorgeous puzzle, a gorgeous puzzle of your life. And when you go through something hard, it really might be an ugly black piece. But know that that piece could be the tiniest little piece of a gorgeous black gown that you're wearing. But only Akos Baru has that full vision. So I have something that's sitting in my kitchen to this day to to this it it sits in my kitchen and it says if you trust the puzzle piece that every single piece was put in the box where it belongs. So too. How could you not trust Hashem? That every piece is there for a reason. And I I live by it. I live by it because there have been so many times I've done puzzles with my kids. I think it's puzzles are not the easiest thing to do because you're missing one piece. You're done. It it it's garbage. It's garbage. And when I moved to LA, I threw out all my puzzles because I was like, there's no way that I have complete sets. And when I open up a box and do a puzzle for the first time with my children and if we're missing a piece, I'm not blaming Hasbro. I'm Everyone stand up. Somebody ate it. Empty out your shoes. Somebody has that piece. And I am determined to find it. But we don't have that same outlook when it comes to okay, we're going through this struggle. It's just a piece. It's a piece and it's an ugly piece. But Hashem, it will pass. It will get placed in the puzzle and I will be dealt with the next piece. And hashem, it will be brighter. It will be better. that it's it's a it's a skill of looking at life as no I trust Baru I trust Baru that every piece of my puzzle belongs. Mhm. >> Another thing to mention just on what you said of of these four years for your children. I think that every family going back to yeah we're Seagullman's I I also think that an important yes or nuda is that each family should have their core values. Each family should say oh these are our non-negotiables. So when I talk to my children and you can ask them, you can ask them what does mommy and tati care most about? That's it. Joy. >> Joy is just being happy. Really putting on that smile and trying to be as positive as possible. Being kind, being thoughtful, being respectful. Good midos. just be nice and the fear of that, okay, Hashem's above me. I need to listen to the rules that Hakkashbu has put on us as Jews. And there is that I'm going to follow the rules. I'm going to follow these rules. But those and it's interesting because when my kids were younger, it was only those were the two. And only as I started having teenagers, I realized that no, no, you're a Hashim. It's a really important one to add in because there needs to be a an above them, somebody who's above them that no, you you respect and there's that love and fear. >> Beautiful. So, I like that to really crystallize for yourself what your core values are so you can communicate that to your children because then you have just clarity of focus on what you want to trans%. And I think that every family has their own set of core values and it's it's something that will be ingrained in them whether they like it or not. And then how they set up their home, their future homem, >> right? >> That's our hope. I think everyone's doing the best that they can with the skills that they have. >> Yeah. What do you think the balance is between depending on the school for education versus really taking like full responsibility for your children's education? It's a solid question. It's a solid question. I definitely think that there are some children who I will give more control over to the school >> um versus some of my other children which I think >> definitely need my involvement. But I think that it's important to have a conversation with the teacher at the beginning of the year and say, "Hi, I am so excited to partner up with you. you are the luckiest to have my kid and we are the luckiest to have you and I'm so excited to see what this year is going to bring. And me as a parent, I know what my strengths and weaknesses are. So I say that to the teacher and I say homework, that's where we fail as a as a mommy. That's where I fail as a mommy. Because if >> work is hard for one of my children to now bring it into my home, >> mm- you're not doing that. It's not happening. I'm happy. Yeah. It's Why should I create that negative feeling that they already had for 8 hours in the classroom and now bring it home into my house? >> I have to be able to control what I can control. And that's that child feeling good about the things they can do. >> That's discernment. That's a mother's discernment. >> But I also think that not every teacher loves when I say that. But I also think that and I'm happy to say, listen, I'll hire a tutor. And then that tutor, that child knows that, oh, that tutor is going to help me with this area. And it's that struggle happens for that amount of time every night. And this is what it is. And I think that every parent has to also know their strengths. And there's there's a very smart RV. I I don't not going to say his name, a very smart RV who is a master mechanic. And um he always says, "Parents also have to know what's your childhood triggers." So sometimes reading with a child is my own childhood trigger where I feel like no no I don't want to do this. I don't want to tell you to read it again because it's not right. Like I don't care. I don't care. Like this is not healthy for me as a mother to be sitting here because I didn't like when somebody did that to me. So now I'm going to do that to you. No thank you. And it's so much easier. Listen, not not everyone has the means. But I think that even sometimes when we don't have the means, I I I value it. So I'll put it at the top of our priority list for tutors and >> there's a lot of them. There's a lot of them. >> What you're describing also of protecting the bubble of family life for a child that they go to school and they experience something but then they come home and home is a space of confidence, joy, ease, pleasantness as opposed to at home they're also struggling with the same things. At home also the academics are a big deal. At home also whatever they're they're struggling with in school comes home with them. I think that that is really a really valuable tool like to maintain the bubble and >> ease of home >> because again that same idea that during co when everyone was like oh my gosh we're stuck at home and then it really dawned on me from that moment it was just like wait I'm creating history my kids are going to look back at this tufa and say what did we do and I made sure that after everyone was done with zoom we had 3:15 special activity and I also taught I was on Zoom teaching And my husband's job only got more complicated over co like it wasn't it wasn't an easy tufa but I was determined determined to make it that my kids remembered the fun that and also thank god that is my skill set. I like doing activities. I am a camp person. I am a rahrh rah. I understand that not everybody has that. But then you also can tap into almost all communities have outside extracurricular fun activities to do at the end of school. So whether that means signing up for gymnastics or art or sports or all of those things, it doesn't necessarily have to be on you. It's just giving them those outlets to be able to say like, "Wow, my kid had a great day. They played so well in soccer today." >> And the kid comes home like, "Oh my gosh, I scored a goal." And they're not thinking about how they struggled really hard in the morning over Korea. So it's interesting you're we're really highlighting if a child is struggling academically, give them other outlets for success. And I think also I would say like if a child is really struggling socially, >> make the acade and they're really thriving academically like make that an area of confidence boosting. And if a child is struggling >> 100%. And to really speak for a second on on the social struggles because I think that nobody gets out scot-free. I I don't think that that's a world that we live in. But again, giving your child the confidence that they need that number one, you have their back. You're their cheerleader. you can come talk to them about anything because this is an area where nobody's reinventing the wheel. Those mean girls existed when I was a kid and guess what? They still exist now and we're not changing that. But we can change how a child reacts to it and the confidence they feel that no, no, I got this. I can handle this. This is okay. I'm not going to let them turn my day upside down, be shared completely by something that happened. And I also think it's important for every child to know it's a goofa. It It's a para. It's it's a chapter in their life. Again, it's a puzzle piece. It's not forever. >> It's not a forever. >> This is the right now. And how are you going to handle the right now? You got this. >> Yeah. Like I I I say to one of my children all the time, you are just the luckiest person to have me as a mommy. Like and I say that all the time. You are just so lucky. I am so happy for you. And like even though I don't think that they're at the place to really say that to me, but I'm going to say it for them. Like I'm going to say it for them because that is the language that I want them to have. And eventually and I think we're coming around, but like we're coming around to it. But like whether or not I am their mother and this is me. So love me or or there's nothing there's other option. like this is what it is. But I just think that you can also create that language. You're not getting compliments from your children. It's just it's very hard. It's very hard. But I do think that every person hashem will have those moments of pure joy where it's like wow my hard work and efforts really pulled through. And sometimes it's a second and sometimes it's a five minute window and sometimes it's hashem the end result. But not always is it so easy to see our hard work is going to go towards something confidently for sure is going to end up a certain way. I do think and this is another topic in itself. If we can try as adults to put down the technology just for x amount of time each day and I as being as having a role as a camp director and I give the same speech every single staff meeting. I don't allow cell phones in the building. It it is a cell phone free zone. And I say to them, I say to these adults, I say, "For two months during these hours, these children are going to get full eye contact. Do you know what that means to have eye contact?" I said, "It could be that some of you don't have your parents eye contact anymore, but these parents are paying for a camp that our counselors are going to give eye contact." And it's something that I feel, oh my gosh, it is not easy. And I am not saying that I've mastered it. And sometimes I allow my children to know what's going on on my phone just so that they understand it's timesensitive. I'm trying to help somebody with this area. I'm trying to do this. I'm not on a social media platform just scrolling or shopping. Like I I'm I'm pretty good about using my phone for the things that are time pressing and the roles that my husband and I are in that yes, we need to be on the phone. But I do think that if we can create a space where you know that your children come home from 4:00 and then they go to sleep what 8 for those 4 hours 7:00 6:00 some kids really go to sleep early so for that time try try so hard to limit your phone use because that is something that I can say I grew up my we didn't have cell phones cell phones came out when I was in eighth grade like it it wasn't I had a childhood of playing games with my parents during the week. We played Monopoly. We played Risk. My father, oh my gosh, Risk all day long. Like that was like, but that was the that was the world that we came from. That was a world that we came from that now it's like, okay, you get 10 minutes on the phone and you get to play Tetris. Like I I I it's there's a value in putting away the technology and giving your children eye contact. >> Yeah. Make eye contact. Oh, so good. It's We all need that reminder all of the time, every single day. I want to go back to what you said around we don't know what the end result is going to be, right? We're like doing our best to transmit Yiddishkai with joy. I really liked how you spoke about adding fun into your home, joy, laughter, dancing, really thinking about what your own relationship is to a yamtiff, shabas, Judaism, and verbalizing the joy to them. There was there were so many like golden nuggets and tidbits in here. like should I summarize the whole thing right [laughter] now >> because I want to >> but that's not helpful because we all just heard it but I mean we could always hear it again but my question is is what does it look like to be open to the end result with our children you mentioned how when a child is going through a hard time seeing it as just being like a chapter in their story we don't know what the end results are going to be how do we communicate give over impart guide and lead without controlling in part like in having a vision of how our child should end up leaving space for them to become to mess up to figure it out to grow up like >> yes >> it takes a long time >> a very long time and I I can say this I could say this even though this is a personal story I remember when I was newly married and baram I had two kids and I said to my husband we were walking on a shab this afternoon and I said okay let's say one of our kids go off the dar like what are you going to do like and we were maybe 22 23 I don't even know how old we were young okay we were babies having babies and >> when [laughter] exactly and he just looked at me he's like it's not going to happen it's not going to happen like it's not going to happen and I remember every few years revisiting the conversation and barem getting to a point where nobody wants that but knowing that oh I'm going to love my kid through it. I'm going to love my kid through it because that is the only thing I can do. I am going to continue to love them and build them up and wherever they land. Amazing. Amazing. I can't say that I I am giving them the tools to and guidance to live a certain life. And hashem when you live by it yourself it seeps into these children. It does. I I believe it to be true. So will one of my children be the next Godzilla? I have no idea. I have no idea. But guess what? If he becomes a really successful businessman, awesome. Awesome. But you have to be confident in yourself that both of those options will make you just as happy. It's not. You can't decide. You can't push that agenda on a child. You have to let them grow to their potential wherever that potential might be. >> Right. And even if it doesn't, you showed like two signs of really strong outward success, right? Like being like a dud or successful businessman. But what about >> everything in between? >> Everything in between. >> Everything in between. Because to me, if you're a happy human, you're successful. >> That's it. Happy humans. Because happy humans and you can think off the top of your head and I've asked this to many people said okay think of two of the happiest people you know and people will spit out two people like it's not a hard thing to do and then look at you just smiled look at you just smiled look at it [laughter] it's contagious because then you're like oh my gosh I totally want to hang out with that person because they're happy >> that's success >> happiness >> I want to go super practical with you >> I'm I have an answer. Okay. Hopefully >> super practical and kind of like rapid fireesque. >> Ready? >> I'm going to ask you like fast questions about parenting. I'm just feeling it. >> Okay. I did. [laughter] Okay. >> I just feel like you're going to have something good for us. >> I hope so. Going to put the right words in my mouth. >> Three practical things that a parent can do to infuse their home with more joy. >> Wow. So, for me, I can say this personally. For me, great music. Filling your house with music. There's a reason during Sphira it's a different vibe. It's a reason during three weeks it's a different vibe. And there's so many easy ways. It doesn't have to be your phone. It could be the device like something. Just having good music in your home already sets a tone. Also really important how you speak your language. Your language and how you interact with your babysitter, the language that you use to interact with your spouse, anyone who walks in the door. Sometimes my sister is on the phone with me when I'm in Western Kosher and she's like, "I have to hang up. You say thank you way too many times." And I'm like, it's the nicest thing ever that I say thank you all the time. She like, "No, it's annoying. It's annoying." Like, no. And but I feel like no, I want to be I want to be somebody who's appreciating everything. So, yes, my babysitter/help in my house who cleans the dishes and does the laundry, like the amount of times I say thank you to her, like, and I think that that appreciation again, children pick up on it because they see, wow, mommy is so appreciative to the lady who doesn't even speak English, but she's folding her laundry and it's such a big deal. So I make it a big deal. So I set that standard. So music, the way you speak. [sighs] Third one. I don't know. It's a tough one. I feel like the way I guess I guess leaving room for also knowing that there's a safe space to not always be in a good mood. And I think that sometimes if I have to go into my room and I need, you know, a moment to like recalibrate, like I think that's okay. And sometimes I we call it a conference. like mommy and Taty need a conference and it's like sometimes I just need to close the door and just speak to my husband for like 10 minutes because I just need to like get it off my chest or like just say something that happens and like I don't want little ears all around. So my kids now hate having a conference so annoying like but I also think that that infuses for the children to show that like yeah mommy and auntie they like each other they like each other and I think that's important for children to see. >> So a parent wants to infuse their home with more of a sense of Jewish values. What is one thing you would tell them to do that they could do today? >> I think leading by example. I think that you have to just you have to remember that your children will pick up like Rabbi Fran has an excellent cheer on what are the two midos that parents can't teach children. It's just learned by example and that's sne. So the way you dress and how you present yourself and sne is a big word and there's lots of different avenues we can go down but in the basic understanding of this is how I dress and present myself as a mother and a as a role model to my children that is something that they pick up on. It's not something that is easy to say you have to do this, you have to do this, you have to do this. There's a whole lot to talk about there. But my friends, it's amazing and fascinating how it you lead by example. You don't have to teach it. Good midos. Parents have good midos. The children repeat >> what they hear, >> what they hear. So when my kids comes over to me and says, "Mommy, can I tell you something?" And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I say that. I say that all the time. Can I tell you something? Oh my gosh. Can I tell you something?" And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, it's a bunch of little minis. It's a bunch of little minis that say that." And it's just like what else do I say that they say like >> and you start so I think that >> you have the ability to infuse that love for Yiddish kite as we said again like just using the language and really showing by example >> living by example. You mentioned how a loving relationship between two parents really impacts a child's development. What is one thing that we can do to improve that relationship in our home? like you're a college teacher, you work on this so much, but like in a in a rapid fire way, what's something that we >> So, I have one of my children anytime they hear my husband and I in a conversation that's just more heated, they'll be like, "Shal bias, shall bias." And they start and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, this is so annoying." But like it really checks me to be like, "No." And sometimes I'll say to that child, "No, no, this is a healthy conversation just because I'm not all, you know, roses and dandies right now." like I said but this is also part of shalom bias and I think it's important for children to see that if god forbid there was an argument that they did overhear or they were exposed to that which all the most important thing is that you resolved it in front of them also and you don't wait for your bedroom later that night when all the kids are asleep. You might not be able to resolve it until the next day, but it's important that you circle back to that child and say, you know what, I I know you saw mommy and Tati fight about this one thing. And you know what, we came to an agreement. So, I just wanted to let you know cuz I know that you saw that and maybe next time I wish you didn't see it, but I think it's important that you know that we came to a great place and I still love Tati and I still love Daddy and I still love like I think it's important that children understand that it's not supposed to be perfect. It's supposed to be real. She's like, "Did I just say that?" I'm >> not sure. >> But that was like not a dramatic thing to say. >> No, but I I know. But I just think that some things are like easily like easier said than done. And I'm not here to say everything's perfect. I'm not. I'm not. I can't even explain to you some of my own like personal struggles that brought me to where I am today. I am not a finished product. I am continuing to like everything that I'm saying right now, it's because I need to hear it. Like it's it's I live by these things and that's the only things that I choose to talk about are the things that I feel like, wow, this this is something that I'm constantly working on and hopefully improving and hopefully improving because real life is real >> and it's not always perfect. I think you have the ability to write the ending. Might not be exactly how you wanted it to be, but I think that you have the ability to change. >> Yeah. Yeah. I think the repair piece is really big around everything with our children. Like we you mentioned that a couple times like you put your child in the wrong school, you think you could switch their school. They witness a fight between you and your spouse, you can apologize in front of them. you can make mistakes and repair and change course and redirect. And I think that when it comes to our Yiddish kite and the way that we communicate our Jewish values to our children to know that even if your home hasn't been so infused with Jewish values up until now, >> you can start incorporating a little bit more and like that's really I think a redemptive thought that it's not too late and are we're always still pursuing that relationship >> 100%. I do think that one thing that I would want to add is just not always do you have the right support system or you feel that your husband needs to be that confidence booster and the one who's always building you up where that's not really so fair of an expectation unless that is your relationship already. you can find the right friends and the right support and the right cheerleaders in your life to be able to lean on those people that it doesn't fall all on your husband and it doesn't fall all on your best friends or I I think that people have to look in inward and say okay when I hang out with this person how do I feel when I hang out with that person how do I feel when this person like everybody has mult everybody is multiaceted in their personality in their moods And you have to really look at, wow, when I'm around these people, how do I feel? How do they make me feel? I leave a shabas meal with different types of people. How did that make me feel? Do I like the side that came out of me or was I just trying to show off and trying to just be perfect? Like everybody has everybody has to do a real inward reflection and say, "Okay, who can I put in my corner? Who can be the people that build me up? And whenever I speak to them, I feel even better when I hang up." Mhm. >> I think having that support system is crucial. >> You're saying if you're as a parent >> as a parent as a parent and sometimes it can't always be your husband. It can't most the time it is and hashem that's great but I think it's also having somebody who's just a safe space to just listen to the unhinged. Yeah. >> And no judgment. Mhm. >> Esther Pearl talks about that, how it's a really modern thing for us to expect our spouse to be our best friend and our lover and our co-parent and our community and our therapist and our parent and our like to give us everything in one person. And it's it it's only to our detriment. Like a marriage is only enriched if we have other support people who other people in our lives who we love and can talk to and be supported by. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. That doesn't undermine the marriage. It only strengthens it. >> Final question. I asked this of all my guests. If you were sitting across s if you were sitting across from one woman, which you are like one woman listening to this and you could say one message from your heart to theirs, what would you say? You're amazing. You're amazing. And don't forget that. Don't forget that Hakkash Baru created you. You have a goal, a mission. Whether you see it so clearly or not, you are awesome. >> Yeah. Pep talk by Ellie. >> Exactly. >> It's interesting. Um I say you're amazing to a lot of people telling people that they're awesome. It's it's such a little thing that I feel like I I want people to feel good after they left speaking to me. So it's like no, you are amazing. I might not know all of you, but like the little bits that I know phenomenal. Also, everybody has the ability to spread positivity. >> You just have to choose it. >> You have to choose it. And I think that >> again, think of two positive people in your head. It makes you happy. It really it just it makes you happy. Call them. >> Yeah. >> Call them. Verbalizing it is massive. I think we underestimate how much people don't actually know what we feel about them. And when someone takes the time to verbalize explicitly like I think you're amazing. >> I will tell you your text. I screenshotted it after our panel. And I was like, "Wait a second. She didn't have to say that." And then I even went to my husband. I said, "Did you tell her to send me a text?" And he's like, "No, what are you talking about?" Like, "What are you talking about?" And I was like, "No." And I even have a folder in my phone of >> texts throughout my life where I just felt like, "Wow, that's a feelood. That's a feel good." And I can honestly say, thank Hashem, Bar Hashem. I have a chat, two friends, two of my closest friends, and I call it the feel-good friends that it's always feel good. That's the name of the chat. And it's so true that that is who they are. That you surround yourself around people who are just, it's feel-good vibes. It's feel-good vibes. But being remembering that those hugs from Hashem, like I mamish, I was so nervous before I spoke on that panel. Like, oh, I don't even know. I'm I'm always like, "Don't pick me." No, but like don't pick me. Don't pick me. Pick somebody else. I can give you five other people to pick. Don't pick me. And then >> I did it. And they always pick you. But then I feel like I'm I'm not the right person for this. But then I just feel like, okay, I don't know. I'm just going to do it. Like I I feel like, okay, like is going to give me the confidence that I need to be able to do this even though I don't necessarily agree or I just feel nervous that okay, these words are out there, but Akashu put the words in my mouth. And It's Hashem. Everyone should be able to receive what I'm saying in the right way and in the right and grow from it and not feel yucky from it, only feel good from it. But I do think that everybody has the ability to capitalize on those positive moments in their life. So even creating a little folder in your pictures of just like >> you screenshot it and it just goes in that folder. So then when you're feeling yucky and you need those 10 minutes in your room to recalibrate, open up those folder. >> It's a reminder. >> Yeah. Just no, you are awesome. You got this. You're amazing. >> So important. Do Can you do that on your feelood friends chat? Can you say like, "I need a little I need a little lifting up." >> We we video chat. If somebody presses the video button, we all pick up no matter what. No matter where we are. And it's just like, "Oh my gosh, you look stunning today." And it's like, "How are you? Oh, oh my gosh, how's your day going? Can't wait to see you. When am I seeing you next?" Like, yeah. Love, love, love, love, love. And it's a it's also it's cheerleaders of guys, I really had a sad day. Like, this is what happened. And it's so yuck. And even if they just be like, "Oh, that's so annoying. Alisha, I'm so sad for you." And I'm like, "Okay, I feel better." >> Yeah. Oh, >> a thousand%. >> I I just needed somebody to say that. I don't really need to explain all the details to you, but I just needed somebody who was going to just make me feel like, "Okay, you got this. >> You could do it." >> I love that. >> So, if anyone needs a cheerleader, and my number is >> my [laughter] number for cheerleading. But that's the thing that they won't believe it if they know that you're the cheer cheerleader. I find that fascinating that you were like, you asked your husband like, "Did you tell her to send that?" we get in our heads where we're like they were trying to make me feel good or they wanted something for me as opposed to like no I did something good noticed it and they told it to me to be able to have those where we really notice that to notice that like there's pure appreciation and having ourselves >> I always say before a simka go through your phone you have the power the power to just spread positivity on a regular Tuesday but also specifically before a simka and go through who are the people that are not going to make it send them a text and say Hey, I know you're not able to come to the bris. I know you're not able to come to the bar mitzvah, the bar mitzvah, what the wedding, whatever it is, but you'll be missed. I'll be thinking about you. I'll be dabbing for you. What did you do? You just spread your joy, >> positivity in the world. And I tell my all the time before your wedding, you have like this beautiful time now to really >> spread joy just through a text. Just I'm thinking of you. I can't wait to dance with you. like and then it's like this feeling that you've created about your sima. Everyone's excited to be there. Everyone's excited. >> So I think we have that power. >> I know. >> Oh my gosh. I personally feel that you are full of so much life wisdom. And I just want to say that that point about when you are experiencing a sima is so genius cuz you're already overflowing with joy and it's like how can I share some of that even if it's just through a message but it's like a lovely way of thinking about it. You're celebrating a simka. You're full of joy. just just hand it out to some to others >> 1,000%. I definitely took it to an extreme when I told my husband we made our first bar mitzvah um parak this past year. It was like huge um really really huge and I wish it upon everybody that they should feel that joy and excitement and [sighs and gasps] al like just good stuff. And I told my husband I think I'm going to speak at every single meal and he's like what? I was like yeah I think I'm going to speak at every meal and he's like okay what are you going to say? And I was like, I want to go through every single person who's here because a Simkha is made up of the people who you fill your room with. And so I did. I went through every single person that we It was It was small. It It wasn't huge, but the people who flew in and my family and my closest people and I went through every meal, why this person is so important and the history that has brought us to now. And I wanted everybody to feel like, "Wow, you made this Simra. You didn't just show up. You made it." >> And they did. >> It's Yeah. Thank [music] God. Thank God. But yeah, you I think people have more power than they know. >> Beautiful. They do. >> Thank you so much, Alisa. >> Thanks for listening. >> Oh my gosh, this is so fun. >> Thanks for having me. Thanks for having me. [music] >> Thank you for listening to today's episode. I hope you loved it. And if you did, don't forget to leave us a fivestar rating or review. It's small if from you, but really supports Human and Holy in growing the show. New episodes come out every Sunday morning. We love hearing from you. So, email us at [email protected]. Visit humanandholy.com/sponsor to give in any amount or sponsor [music] a specific episode. You can find us on Instagram at human and holy. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being a part of this community. [music] Wishing you a wonderful day. Bye.