How To Parent a Neurodivergent Child

what does that mean I don't sometimes you tell somebody Hey kid you got great ideals but that's pie in the sky in the real world here's how you got to get along with people here here are the lies that we tell each other in order to be accepted and a regular person says no problem I'll sign on to that social contract she's not going to sign on to that and not only will she not sign on to it but she will feel the truth is under attack and in response to that attack on the truth she will become even more Vigilant and even more exaggerated in her in her zealousness for truth and Justice and all of these idealistic principles so hello hey there you're on the air oh wow okay so my question is I know Rabbi tab speaks often on neurodiversity I guess that's popular topic tonight and um in general and the algorithm yeah I don't know what to say about that anymore uh so far my algorithm keeps bringing this up again and again and it's coming up in um with parenting and with my kids um okay and in myself um but obviously this has to be tied to my my personal Journey as well and um um maybe this should just become a support a support group help line um for this type of Journey but essentially um as someone who was uh discovered um ADHD as an adult and currently raising a kid with um with a newish uh diagnosis within the autism spectrum I'm very curious to know I know Rabbi tab speaks often about um neurodiversity from a spiritual standpoint and appreciating um appreciating you know that certain namos you know have a certain uh like maybe connection to Hashem and to to Emma I certainly see that with my daughter in a very very thank God very obvious how old is she obvious way how old is how old is your daughter she's six she's six okay she's six but she's been talking um she's been a asking really complicated existential questions for years um and she's been diagnosed as on the Spectrum yeah yeah she has um but what's interesting and what I wanted to ask her by tab specifically was regarding this particular profile understanding how to best Channel her strength help her Channel her strength as her mother because what is what is so particular about this profile um I'm not sure if every child is familiar with it is that there is it's exactly what it sounds like the PDA is pervasive drive for autonomy or sometimes it's understood as um um uh pathological demand avoidance um both of those have all the challenges implied in their in their wording um as the parent and sort of flipped everything that I thought I knew about parenting on its head and since everything I knew about parenting I acquired through a MTH everything I thought I knew I I I acquired through um you know just years of healing and um and overcoming and working against you know the odds of dysfunction um I think this this is sort of like a new curveball um and a new lens and I just would love to hear Rabbi tab's um understanding and just words words of I need some some clarity here I need direction here and I need it like really specifically because I understand I understand the specialness and the uniqueness of the autism um just the general autism diagnosis and how that can come out and I've seen it like I said um but with this particular profile it's like it's a it's a level of Letting Go that I find myself tripping up over a lot more because the pathways to success are sometimes so unconventional yep and sometimes surprising like like if you think you know anything this is this is like my steepest learning curve and I've been I've been through it you know in other areas but this by far is just every morning it's like waking up almost I wouldn't say waking up to a new kid because that's a little bit that's a little strong but waking up to a set of challenges that aren't predictable based on anything I've experienced the day or the week before whether it's School avoidance or it's like we're doing so great and super regulated and all of a sudden you know there's this you know this massive disregulation period that you know for the life of me I can't pin point the S the source of even though I was previously you know kind of on the money so to speak right and it's always just been important to me I think as a mother to to to keep my finger on the pulse and here I am being like Hashem I feel like you know I take from my child parenting courses and I and I do like everything I think I'm supposed to do and I'm regular I'm working so hard to regulate myself and be there for my kids and just be present and and all of that and it's like what like what do I do with this like what is this what is it is it just rad is like my whole purpose just like radical acceptance like and and also I don't even know if I like that word because it sounds very new Agy yeah it sounds like how how do you transmit how do you transmit values to um to someone who has like an inherent opposition to any sort of um outside perceived out external demands yeah like isn't that what I does that make any sense that was a long ramble but no makes perfect sense I hope that was at least oh thank you I'm going to cry just from having that validated perfect go ahead and cry it's it's uh cathartic to cry are you 100% made sense made complete sense okay um so you I'm not looking for tips and tricks like I do the hard work you you you gave a lot of answers you basically gave a lot of answers um the radical acceptance new Agy stuff yeah you know that I know you don't like the words but you already know that that's the answer sir why give it another name I know you're tripping up on the name give it another name you know no I'm tripping up over the PDA names okay wello we're not gonna use that either we we we don't have to use these names these names but it's not go ahead go ahead it's not I know like in I know deep down this is not like it resistance is not to truth if anything when we having an issue today school related my husband my husband who's on the Spectrum himself and just tells it like it is is like the problem for everyone is that she's a human lie detector right she is she's a human lie detector test you cannot you cannot there's nothing you can do to get anything past her even if it's your subconscious that's trying to get something past so I am forced into like the level of self-work where every single thing that I that comes out of my mouth whether it's about MIT yish kite um the weather it doesn't matter I have to believe it has to be something I believe to be true wholeheartedly that's right and like not even likei like not even mostly it can't even be that I most like if I'm having an off day with my b like my kid is like I'm not going to school y like it's the it's crazy it literally is that and I'm like I can't I have to live in a in a hole because I feel like you know the things that people complain about their teenagers like oh my teenagers like that I'm like okay you wouldn't if you could be a bird's eye in my house with my six-year-old like I'm you probably appreciate your your crazy teenagers right now because at least you don't have a human lie detector all the time and like so like when she was like three I was talking to someone from a Healthcare company and I was getting stressed out on the call on the Bluetooth in the car and I guess you could feel the stress in my voice I didn't say anything I don't think so so mean to the lady I just was like I need to get whatever it was like I really need this to happen or something I hang up the phone and my three she was three or four and she goes mommy I thought she was going to ask for a snack she goes do you always listen to your Yates or toes and it's it's never it's never stopped like that's just sort of how it is all the time so my brother when I told my brother the story he's like that sounds he's like you have you have abuse like you're living with AB yeah that's what's like it's living on the witness stand the problem is is that I'm on the witness stand I want to help her to do her best but I guess that just really just means doing my best I don't know if I answered my own question but okay I don't know so let me just share one Insight with you which perhaps will be helpful okay okay so you mentioned earlier how do you transmit values to somebody who basically doesn't care about any external expectations external pressure external um norms and my answer to you is allergic to is allergic to yeah my answer to you is I want you you said you had to unlearn so much you had to let go of so many axioms okay I need you to destroy another Axiom that which one okay I'm going to tell you right now and it probably is based on the way you were educated but it's actually yeah well it's the way most of us were educated and it's actually based on a lie and this little truth-telling girl is forcing you to reject this lie that lie is that obedience has anything to do with values it's actually the opposite the person who has values does not have to be obedient they value right the behavior because of the behavior having intrinsic worth yes the obedient person never learns to Value the behavior they just do it because that's what's expected of them and they care enough about not being rejected or facing social sanctions so they do you know they go along to get along basically so this girl actually unlike the way most children are educated actually can learn values she actually can learn values in fact the only way she will do something is if she learns what the value is that's the only way she 100% that's right oh 100% so you're asking how will she learn values very simple by teaching her these values and not only will she learn them but part of her uh her special quality of of gravitating toward truth you didn't mention this but I would assume I would bet good money on it also overlapping with a strong in I would say even intense sense of Justice oh yeah oh yeah right and calling out Injustice course yes okay oh oh my gosh yes oh yeah since since he could talk yeah and she's always right which is a problem because I have to explain the world to her the world does not this is not like this like we the theme of like this is not the world this is not the way it's the world should work more along the lines of her world she's telling you the way the world should work and you're telling her she's right and you're telling her the way the world does work um so what I'm telling you is how do how do you really explain that in an emotionally healthy you you don't you don't you don't you are beating your head against the wall you're exhausting yourself you're frustrating yourself you're speaking Chinese to her she can't understand it it doesn't make her understand it more it actually forces her to reject it more stop it every time you try to give her that reality check about what the world is really like you're actually forcing her to become even more zealous in her idealism what does that mean I don't is sometimes you tell somebody Hey kid you got great ideals but that's p in the sky in the real world here's how you got to get along with people here here are the lies that we tell each other in order to be accepted and a regular person says no problem I'll sign on to that social contract she's not going to sign on to that and not only will she not sign on to it but she will feel the truth is under attack and in response to that attack on the truth she will become even more vigilant and even more exaggerated in her in her zealousness for truth and Justice and all of these idealistic principles so every time you try to tone her down and give her a dose of I don't want to call it cynicism but that essentially is what it is not only is it not accomplishing anything it is counterproductive because it forces her to go on attack or Counterattack in the name of her ideals so I'm going to suggest to you to never ever ever ever ever ever tell her the harsh truth about reality what is that can I can I know this is going to sound so ridiculous can can I have an example well the hypoc the hypocrisy that is inherent in most institutions including uh schools especially relig religious schools so when you tell I tell her that stuff if you tell her that this is just the way that it is she's going to actually attack it more okay so what can I what is the alternative what is the alternative speak our language maybe I'm just we have to speak her language have to speak her language help is there what does that look like I mean I I feel like sometimes I do when it's not when I'm not triggered right right you know correct but I don't remember it it's not it's not intellectual it's like it's viseral and when I'm triggered I can't do it I don't even in our conversation right now I don't even remember what I do when when I'm doing it right so yeah a lot of your inability to communicate with her the way she needs to be communicated with is because you are being triggered because you're still trying to hold everything together you're still trying to manage yeah you're still trying to manage to get through the system without getting tossed out without it breaking you or you breaking it and you're going to have to let go of you're going to have to let go of that because that's what's causing you stress every time she does something which is a threat to your ability to get through the system without it breaking you or you breaking it you get triggered and then you lose your ability to communicate with her in the way she needs to be communicated with so you have to let go I'm I won't use the word radical acceptance but you have to let go and you have to accept that raising this child is going to require all types of Creative Solutions that are not are not the norm and you're going to have to you're going to have to learn how to accept being a weirdo being an outcast being a pariah I don't mean to do that as a badge of honor there are people like that who lean into it and they make that their personality and I'm not saying to do that what I'm saying is you're not trying to incur social rejection you're not trying to shock people you're not trying to be different you're just trying to take care of your kid and if people disapprove let them disapprove yeah but then that still doesn't answer the question about you're not going to get to school every day okay you're not going to get her to follow all the rules there are going to be costs there are going to be opportunity costs you are not going to be able to Avail yourself of every opportunity that is offered to the people who are willing to squash themselves into the system you can't have both it's not going to happen now so how do you know how do you how do you yeah okay my my guy to you would be if you do anything where you feel that you're killing your daughter's Spirit there's no justification there's no justification you have to nurture her anyways Hashem doesn't make mistakes he know he knows who he gave to each Soul as a parent for this embodiment and there are a lot of lessons for you to learn from parenting this unique girl she'll teach you truth and idealism and and purity of heart all these wonderful things that this world seems to have very little regard for but which really are are things of enduring value okay we have uh another caller so I have to I want to move on but um thank you for the call and uh yeah radical acceptance you'll come up with another term for it and let me know come up with more acceptable term let me know what it is okay I have other calls coming in one second one second yeah hi are you calling in right now okay try again on that number that I gave you oh actually wait can you call me back in like f no one second no no on that other number that 516 number wait can you call me in 15 minutes is that okay oo okay um second Michael welcome Michael's on the show Rabbi how are you barem thank God how are you doing I'm doing very well glad to hear it hi Melissa welcome hello hi there hi thanks for having me on tonight it's our pleasure welcome to the show thank you Rabbi great to be here hey there how you doing uh doing well long time listener first one caller thanks for taking me hello hey there you're on the air we'd like to extend a special thank you to mendal Simon and 9 by9 tech for powering this call-in show and making it possible for us to connect with our amazing audience 9x9 Tech offers a One-Stop service for all your communication needs along with personalized Tech Solutions catered specifically towards your business visit 9 by9 tech.com today that's 9x9 tech.com thank you mandal and the team for your incredible support hey this is Shas toab you were just watching a clip from this class if you want to get the full context the full class that this clip that you just watched was from you watch right here click right here here