How to help your child

oh i don't have coverts my wife wants you to know i do not have covert we did a rapid test i don't have coverts okay but i probably have the flu and i just want to say that normally i stay afterwards to discuss the kudos with everyone this time forgive me but i'm going to leave right afterwards probably just go back to bed anyway what we're doing here is really it's an overview and introduction we knew that at this particular conference for the first time we had a large sibling here of people who are new to the sugar in the past when we started for sure it was all um people who were well trained in understanding what avi refers to as twisted parenting what i referred to all the years is crisis but we we started with a group a tiber who were trained very well in this and we came to give hezuk we are now aware that keshinashi has expanded tremendously and includes many many people who have not yet got a training let alone guidance and it's clear to my wife and i we're talking with people throughout the weekend by the way you can't say weekend if you go to a school and you're in high school they'll throw you out you have to say over shabbos we had kids thrown out of school because they said weekend we were told they're not allowed to say weekend i called the shiva kaminetsky and told them what happened he said to me i guess they throw me out too yeah and this is what's next great so i can just hit the thing and then go put it here let's sing it right now but they will see this they're going to see this and i'm going to hit this and then they're the best these guys are the best i have to tell you they're amazing so mr show in january i planned on giving a proper full training in england who haven't yet had training for robonim on how to approach the sugar now i want to clarify the sugar the sugar uh that we're looking at that you may have heard the languages thrown around the fourth level have you heard that right you've heard this language fourth level we don't do third level second level i'm not sure what these levels are but the fourth level so to speak is when the kids are most challenged in the most difficult place we here recognize there are also families struggling who are not yet in this fourth level mats of struggling with their kids and we do intend in future conferences to try and focus i will do my best to give clarity to these other levels that we can understand what's your hive what's how far do you go what's your responsibility there in these other levels of struggle but for the purposes of our conversation today um we're talking about crisis so crisis i want to be clear also oh do you see oh you don't see it yet okay you will see the slideshow soon you see the slideshow ah marvelous so this shabbaton is not about only any one mahalo you know we're expanding it's this particular thing i'm going to present here is my mahalo you have a everyone should have a copy of the handout to take home with you we're going to fly through this this is you know this material i have to tell you that you're holding in your hand for me is i need eight to ten hours minimum to explain all this properly but we're going to fly through it so at least you have an idea of what you're looking for and you say this of what you need to know you have to go home knowing this you know hashem there's been a lot of physical bashabas but i want to tell you now what you need to know and you have to embrace and accept deeply deeply in your heart believe shums otherwise you're not going to be mad so this is my mahal so what is this for so the the crisis of my aleph it's for kids at least the way i see it who have minimum of four out of these six criteria that you can see on the slideshow they are frequently at war with their parents who recognize you really don't have effective control effective control means you can get your kid to do something they don't want to do or you can stop them doing something they do want to do and you can do it without losing your relationship with your child does that make sense that's called effective control we can all have control but it's not effective if it ruins your relationship with your kids and i don't mean they kind of get upset tonight and then tomorrow morning everything's fine i mean when you see that by you exerting control of their behavior you lost your kids they they disconnected from you effective control is where you maintain a relationship with them despite the fact that you've interfered with something they want to do you stopped them or you made them do something and it didn't hurt your relationship which is in regular what we all do that's what happens we get our kids to brush their teeth we have a bedtime we can stop them going out late at night and they may be a little bit upset but tomorrow they're close with us love us and we love them everything's fine in crisis and if that is not the case the kids are struggling to stay in school or out of school or they're now much older school's not negair but they were thrown out or dropped out they went through that where they never finished school school rejected them they stopped eating kosher stopped keeping shabbos they do drugs and sexually active if you have four out of these six minimum of four with your child then you're in crisis that means you have a very serious parachute and there is really one mahalo for how to save your children and you must embrace that you have to let go of all the old-fashioned ideas everything you thought in the past is gone you've crossed over a line where we're now doing something different that's why i call it crisis it's not regular let it go let it go the edsara comes to you and you say yeah but and you quote some you know if you read any pamphlet or any book or any uh safer on gener he said yeah but what about this just know that's not negair here if your child has a minimum of four out of six of these criteria it's not negated to you let it go it's a yetzara does tell you this i'm running through this stuff quickly again i'm i'm not being bavaria i could each slide i can speak for 45 minutes you know and i should but it's just i'm giving you ten you take the pamphlets we printed them a few take them home by the way if amongst you there is anyone who would do me a huge tower if you go on the k on the um torah anytime or the kesha napshi you know the josh is there almost all of the things here are referenced and i was mavar them deeply in many of those previous josh's i would be so grateful if someone would take this pamphlet and go through those josh's and give me the mario mccamus in those josh's but do you understand how we i just don't have the time to do it but it would be so incredible if we could just put the mermacamus on the bottom and you could know which you know minute you know this joshua minutes 14 to 17 is this piece it would be amazing to alice it's all there i'm pretty sure it's all there so if anyone's willing or would do that for me i'd be i mean for us i think it'll be just awesome we'll if it does happen we'll give the information back we'll send it all to you so you'll have it yeah oh yes oh you're unbelievable thank you thank you well thank you it just is i didn't have the time to do it das taylor let's be very clear we all need dastard in life without dust toyota we're messed up we're finished we have to have dasta and we have many many many difficult sheilas that will come our way through the course of helping our children recover their lives and become healthy again we all need da's toyota but here's the sugar you have to be able to sit down with your da's toyota and tell them just be upfront say it in the nicest way you know rebbe we have decided my wife and i my husband and i we have decided we know that we are dealing with this is this is this is not a debatable issue i want to know if the rav is macabre that and if so we have delicate sheilas that we need to work out in the course you know there are sheilas with all sorts of things we have to clarify but we need to know if the rav is macabre but we're dealing with a a suggested and if the rob says well explain to me why then find another of find another of and i mean that respectfully yeah there may be iraq who's willing to understand and wants to learn the so you send them to me i'll explain it to them but you're not going to be matsair if you're talking to a rob who's guiding you who hasn't yet learnt the sugya and doesn't actually believe we're dealing with safeguards do you understand this is crucial i'm sorry to be so blunt i live with da stoya i lived my whole life with darst taylor without duster believe me we have no we have no life but we have to be honest and humble when we approach our dusty and ask them does the rob understand this is if not i'm i'll ask the rob all my other shoulders shabbos cassius that's before i'll ask everything no problem but not this this is crucial because unfortunately if you get the wrong advice we're dealing with suffocation that's the fact you need a rob who's experienced obviously in a rob who is sensitive to you you cannot just like stump go and ask a rob who doesn't know who you are doesn't know your family doesn't know you're massive it doesn't know your sugia and doesn't know this it's a waste of time don't do it i i plead with you don't do it what is we're not going to do this now i have long josh's on the keshanakshi website you'll see a normative development but it's it's important to understand i'm not going to go through these things but except the c the four s's about attachments the suki of attachment is the sugya of crisis if you go home with this idea very clearly in your head for children to thrive for any human being to thrive in life we need to have what's called good attachments attachments means the ability to connect safely with other human beings we live in a social milieu an environment with people we live amongst we're not we don't live isolated in our desert island we live amongst people therefore we have to learn and know how to connect in a safe and respectful way with other people children who unfortunately i know this happened to our older children who because of the struggles that we went through who had impaired attachments they didn't have bad attachment but it was impaired it was damaged attachments the sugar of crisis hinok is to repair attachments do we understand that that's the sugar the whole goal here is to repair the attachments because as long as children are not attached to you to us as parents as long as they're not connected to us then they don't know how to have healthy relationships and how on earth does anyone live in this world without the natural ability to have healthy relationships how will they get married and have children and a family in life and a job and a career you know there's a reason why kids sleep till six o'clock and then get up overnight and go out nocturnally on the streets where there's very few people out there because they don't know how to attach they don't know how to connect they feel ashamed and lonely they don't know how to live in the world amongst people the goal of crisis is to help repair the attachments with our children that they know how to do relationships a give and take which essentially means they know how to feel safe because our children do not know how to feel safe that's why they run to all the dysfunctional behaviors they run to because they simply don't know how to feel safe the goal of the whole sugar is that we repair and healthy attachments wherein we now have a relationship with our children where they look to us and may actually turn to us for guidance which is the way it was meant to be even though they missed all those early years because of the damage to their lives eventually they turn to us value us and want to relate to us and from that they have a chance at life without it they have no chance of life they literally have no chance of life and it's no surprise that many of them want to end their lives we have to understand trauma one thing is clear that we at this point and for all of us here we have to become not just an expert in understanding what is trauma but we have no suffix in our hearts at all that our children are trauma victims outside this world our world here people ah trauma what's the everything's trauma you know the macho they they don't want to buy into it they don't understand it but the fact is trauma is the surgery here the kids have gone through trauma and the trauma takes them away from the ability to have rational thinking now that's not an it doesn't mean every second of every day it means when they're triggered which for many kids until we work on their attachments in a healthy way they're triggered almost all the time they're triggered by looking at us they're triggered by religion they're triggered by getting out of bed in a from home what let's understand what it does take this you don't have the colored pictures i'm sorry but take a look at the colors here you don't have it there unfortunately but look at the dark green on the front the executive states prefrontal lobes that's the place we want to live in to think to be rational and i'm going to show you what that means in a moment a person who's triggered in a trauma state so to speak i'm going to use this language they go offline offline means they go into that blue area the emotional state and if they go continue to get triggered and they going into fight and flight or freeze they go into the red area which is the survival state in the survival state there's only one thing that counts i want to live i want to survive and i don't care about any of your needs feelings that's why kids will look at you when they're in the survival state their own parent and curse you out of the top of their lungs using vile curse words screaming at you because when they're in the survival state they have one thing that's happening in their brain and the one thing is i want to survive and i see you as a threat when you sit at the shabbos table and you're starting you see this very much with the level two and three kids because level four because we already know we wouldn't even they wouldn't be at the shabbos tables we wouldn't have the the whole charlotte is not ashamed but in level two and three when the father or the mother start you know they think they're very gently respectfully trying to get their kids to where the girls to wear more clothes at the table or the boys to dress shabbos stick and and what we're so unaware of is all we're doing is putting them into a trauma state because religion is their trigger religion is their trigger so here we think we're talking sweetly and gently and nicely and kindly and we're actually putting them into a trauma state as we do that and then we're upset with them and we can become defensive about ourselves because i spoke very nicely i spoke very nicely i didn't i didn't scream at her take a look at this the prefrontal cortex prefrontal cortex if you read the list empathy insight response flexibility emotional regulation body regulation morality intuition attuned communication you know that is when we talk to each other we actually listen to you and you listen to me and we have a conversation going backwards and forwards fear modulation if we put our kids offline by triggering them just look at that list of nine things they are all not available to your child you're having a fight or a conversation with your child where you just triggered them and they have no access because they're in the limbic part of the brain which is fight flight and freeze over theirs am i safe do people want me that's all but they don't have access to that other part of their brain and then you get mad with them because their reaction to you is not attuned to what you think you're being very nice i was very gentle i was just saying i was just you know i wasn't angry i wasn't yelling but meanwhile you just put them offline they don't have access to that part of their brain this is the psyche of trauma do you understand if we don't get this deep in our kishkas we will continue to hurt our children we have to remind ourselves they don't have access to the prefrontal cortex or at least you know let me be real they don't have full access they don't have you know 100 you know they don't have the the access they need and they may actually have no access at all completely gone and then we get upset with them for their reaction i mean refinish them think about what happened they got traumatized we then thought we were having a conversation where in which we put them offline they react poorly to what we did because they don't have access to the prefrontal cortex they're now offline and then we get mad with them is it surprise our kids go psychotic they go crazy if you look at the healthy brain on the left this is the red parts in here you can't see it in your books but the red parts on the left brain the healthy brain that's the prefrontal cortex that's what it looks like take a look at ptsd post traumatic stress disorder a person who's experienced trauma look how their brains light up it's all over the place they're not there they're not in the prefrontal cortex that's what the brain can't scan an mri of a trauma victim's brain looks like they simply don't have access and then we're busy trying to have a conversation with them or explain to them about sneers are we going to explain to them about how pretty it's filling on and they're offline actually the very mention of the words fill in will put them offline because it's associated with religion and for most of the kids they got traumatized in school they were trauma victims from religion from from religious observance this is another just understand this is the other way around the front the top is the healthy brain do you see how it's lit up very beautifully on the top and look at the abused brain is lit up the bottom right is lit up the top is very not lit up really very much at all this is what their brain function looks like of a trauma victim these pictures you have to go home with these pictures and realize we're dealing with trauma the sugiya we have with our kids is trauma if you have any suffix about that if your rov has any suffix about that you are going to hurt your kids i can't tell there's nothing more crucial than this this you have to go home with this new idea that is postured that my child is a trauma victim look you want the whole joshua why i don't have the time now to go through how and what but the facts are the facts it's in the joshua's you'll find them there in the kashinaki joshua's where i go through it much deeper but you have to understand that when you walk out people say to me they they call me up they say someone so basically based on what you're saying robert russell i'm walking around my kid as if like it's almost like i can't say anything and i say wow you got it wow including saying good morning because it's three o'clock in the afternoon so you know you don't say good morning because that's going to trigger them you just say hi how are you glad to see you that's where you start yeah if you don't know what to say that means you bought into the sugar and you realize i'm dealing with trauma and now you have to learn how to connect with the trauma victim that's your sugar so what are the traumas so the traumas obviously for most of our kids the most damaging one that happens to twenty percent of all children in clyde island one in five children in cholestol will experience sexual abuse in their childhood of those one in five years ago i can't even repeat i'm so embarrassed to even say it but years ago we were taught that half of them resilient and half of them will have a reaction we now know that's utterly nonsense i'm not sure if they know that but i can tell you i know that it's nonsense half of them somehow bury it somehow to get through and they pay a dear dear price when they get married and they have to face sexuality again at dear price they often get divorced and they ruin their marriages and they're really in crisis the other half go off the dark because once a child has been sexualized aside from any other i mean again this is an hour and a half joshua there's actually a joshua of mine on youtube if you type in rabbi shimon russell manchester you'll see a josh i gave there i think it was 2015 actually on prevention of sexual child abuse and where i explained the suggest very deeply of what it's about so i could die to go and see that and the reason you have to see it is so you have compassion for your kid once they've been sexualized once a child is taken out of the nose you understand like this every child in the froome world we bring them up hopefully with the concept of sneeze nail letters boys and girls you know in different ways we have to be much that's their letters is a concept and we live within that in the ideal ideal in satya within this world of hatsune alechas which includes covering the body and the private parts and the stackless of nashim and all sorts of things eventually when they get married we include into that world if it's done properly by healthy color teachers and husband you know so included in the world of hats is the sugar of sexuality that's the ideal that's the way it's meant to be it's not a separate sugar it's not like another we get rid of that it's part of the sugar in this world is the sugar of intimacy and sexuality never when kids get sexualized early in life they've been taken into the world of sexuality with absolutely no possibility at all of feeling anything other than deep shame i'm not jewish because what well-meaning rebellion and teachers speak frequently and well-meaning because they're trying too much and they go overboard frequently you know about the protim and the you know the prudences and the and this goyish you know they they the machalik to try and be mekazek unaware that what they're meant to do is before you ever speak about sneers in a classroom ever you're meant to and i teach them this they're meant to say i'm going to talk about a subject now some of you may have been inappropriately touched already and if you were what i'm about to say doesn't apply to you it's a different circuit and i beg you come talk to me privately please put your fingers in your ears well you don't do that publicly but don't take in what i'm saying because it's not for you for you as a different suggesting you to a different place come talk to me we'll help you that's what we're meant to tell them but we don't instead what they hear is messages i'm a guy i'm a goycoma just imagine a child gets married beautiful child becomes a caller and she gets mad you know she's getting married three months after she's married very like you know little shy embarrassment goes to her mother and lets her mother know in a very sneer sticker kind of cute way i mean i think i'm pregnant expecting the joy i mean let's be honest those of us that have experienced that the joy in simra is pasha is unbelievable no it's like it's amazing it's like we feel so much we feel so happy we're so delighted for them it's a moment of such no one says to them you had sex you did what did you get pregnant right that doesn't happen but within botsner leches we're just delighted we all noticed that she had intimacy with her husband and it's beautiful and it's appropriate and it's wonderful and she's pregnant with delighted that's three months after the faster imagine three months okay can you hear me okay imagine three months before the khasna she comes to her mother and says mommy i think i'm pregnant it's like the greatest disaster that could ever be ghanam opened up beneath everybody the shame the fear the confusion the pain it's the exact same situation the three months later was the most wonderful thing could have ever happened and three months earlier is the greatest disaster the exact same situation that's the psyche of sexual abuse sexual abuse has no possible outlet there's no possible way we cannot be sexually productive prior to marriage and so these pork heads are thrust into a sugar where you can't put that the genie back in the bottle you understand that you can't put it back in once they've been exposed they've been exposed they can't turn that off that feeling that need that desire even against their will they didn't want it it's something they're going to struggle with to make sense out of to be safe with even if it's just safety it's not the need to act out sexually this the awareness that i am a sexual being that i was taken advantage of and i'm terrified of the world now terrified of men of people or whatever it was it's so profoundly destructive and there's no there's no way to repair that to put them back at least the matter they were in before they have to live with it deal with it work with it and then we find out our daughters who start dressing like you know inappropriate and what's our reaction to it anger frustration how are you doing this to me do you get inside the head of a trauma victim who's been sexualized and the response they see from their parents is how could you do this to me dress this way whereas all they're doing is reacting to what has happened to them they're already a trauma victim and then we imply how could you do this to me the real answer is how could you have not protected me you were my parent where were you and you're angry with me learning trauma is so pervasive in our community jacobs and i spoke about in the mainstream world a few weeks ago on the coach menachem program and that struck a chord as far as i know there were over 60 000 views of that program already and it seems that throughout clarissa people have resonated to that message and realized that we are hurting our kids badly really badly the ones who are hurt to the extreme who actually get hit for not learning well they get ridiculed for not getting good grades i mean hashem your ahim i said little sardine for this cruel cruel cruel abuse it takes them away from learning takes them away from darwinian what do they think they're going to achieve by connecting kids to if you don't doubt them properly or you don't follow properly you've just created an association between dabbling and fear why would anyone want to learn i had rebbers who who punished kids for not paying attention by having them write out large pieces of rum bum like why do they hate the rum bum so much that they're going to ruin everyone's relationship with the rambam it's such a crazy world learning trauma is profound i have adults who can't i told you i mentioned i have a shawl that wants me to come and do like you have s-a-a-a-n-a-o-a they want me to do s-h-a shawl anonymous i should meet they've really this a shawl was opened for the express purpose of helping people who don't want to go to shore men who realize i want to get it back but i don't know how they have a talking section in short they have a smoking section in short and a coffee section and i think there's a section for davening too somewhere i think i'm not sure and they called and reached out to me and we're gonna do it i'm gonna do i know something i'm gonna do it because it just i feel for them so deeply they want a group to overcome what happened to them to get it back men who want to go to short and kent they walk in they have a panic attack i fixed one shawl they had the they had two sets of three seats together and they didn't have great attendance i said i'll tell you why because no one's going to sit in these seats all the traumatized people will never sit in the middle and i said why do you split them have narrow aisles so no one is more than one seat from an aisle and guess what the show filled up they were dealing with trauma and they didn't see it it was when i walked in i saw it right away this is this is any trauma victim would not come down and a learning spiritual trauma victim will probably not dive in in your show or if they get there early you know they have to only an end seat or a back seat these are real serious issues and then the whole list of de facto what are essentially learning disabilities the bullying the physical abuse all sorts of abuse that happens to kids and problems and issues that simply prevents them learning well in a system that says you only have real value if you're a good learner i mean hashem your achim you really think a college broker wanted that i guarantee you not makes absolutely no sense you only have value if you learn well and perhaps you weren't gifted to learn well how could that be so we have kids who are dealing with all sorts of trauma so how do they typically react to the trauma by the way does anyone have any idea when i meant to stop okay until someone tells me to stop i'm going is that fair okay if need be my wife said i'm okay so that i i was mahadish this many years ago the happiness pleasure paradigm what happens so our kids are hurting like crazy when i say crazy they are in so much pain we if we would if we would fathom the depth of their pain we would be broken these are our children and the pain is so intense so what do they do they have to cover up the pain because they're not old enough sophisticated enough mature enough nor do they usually have parents who can embrace and understand what's happening with them so they cover up the pain with it starts off usually with in the earlier grades with listening to kind of music that we consider edgy you know inappropriate or maybe they're reading materials or magazines or things that are a bit edgy and appropriate we always catch them and when we catch them because we didn't get this education anyone here will never do this but what happened to you before you heard this is when you caught them you got angry this is what you're listening to this is what you're reading what are you thinking and we gave him a muslim regular as if it was going to help we didn't have that they were in pain simply trying to cover the pain they have a hole in their heart and that hole hurts so bad they just want to stop the hole just fill it up a little bit and you know what these pleasure activities fill up the hole temporarily so they do something pleasurable just to fill the hole because they're in pain and we catch them and scream at them and yell at them we always catch them and we get mad with them and they see us walking around upset and angry and frustrated at their behavior what does that do to the hole in the heart it makes it bigger so now they have to do more pleasure activities to fill the growing hole that we just grew by getting angry with them instead of copying what was going on so they do more things and they start you know having boy boyfriend girlfriend relationships or they start doing some marijuana weed and we always catch them and when we catch them we say what are you doing and we often even say things to them crazy things to them like how could you do this to me this is about the most bizarre painful thing you could ever say to a kid how could you do this to me what do you mean to me the poor kid is in siren pain is dying inside and that's my focus how could you do this to me and we catch them and get mad with them and so the whole grows bigger so now they need more activities to fill the ever-growing hole in the heart because they're hurting more and more and they do more things the more now they get sexually active now the clothing drops off and they start dressing like very pruzidic and who knows what they're doing and then we catch them and see them and we yell at them and before we know it in a very very short amount of time they go off and this basiaco girl is now puts on the streets what's going on here what happened [Music] we caused that telling me straight we caused that because we didn't hop when we saw it what it was we didn't realize what it was had we realized right away had we tuned into it right away it's possible that we could have stopped that process what is crisis about is reversing that process listen carefully because if you understand this londus it frees you to do this because people think we're mad you know we tell them take them to the movies you know let them watch you know buy the weed sometimes you know buy the drugs for the you know in the extreme case on level four we're doing the exact things that they would be doing to fill the hole in the heart and we're doing it for them and with them understand the londis if you can hop this you have the sugar what we're doing is saying you're not defying me and separating from me by doing this stuff i'm with you i get you you're in pain and sire i'm with you what do you think that does to your relationship with your child obviously it begins to repair your relationship because your child begins to realize my parents are getting me they understand me so what happens to the hole in the heart it begins to shrink and then you do it again and it shrinks more the only difference is that the going off with the hole in the heart takes about three months coming back can take about six seven years that's the only difference but it's the same process till they know because that's what all our children want to know is do you know me do you love me do you accept me we're repairing the attachments if we can repair those attacks that's why we do the very stuff they're doing anyway we go with them we are part of that with them as neces whatever is necessary we go with them in that and that repairs our attachments they need it less not more that's the heart of the sugya of crisis there are a lot of psychological reactions they look like disorders this is something to be very careful make sure your therapist first of all generally speaking schlepping kids teenagers who are going through the surgery to therapists is counterproductive generally speaking it's a waste of time unless you have a machinatic unusual therapist who has deep havana in this sugar so i'm going to a therapist a waste of time wasted time and death could go into psychiatrists even a bigger waste of time forgive me because they they will look at the diagnostic criteria and they'll misread your child and put them on medications and all sorts of things create all sorts of problems that don't exist and aren't true they're simply not true they look like it ogd is the classic example of positional defined disorder right every one of these kids is going to look like oppositional defined disorder that doesn't mean say that's who they are when they were in their stage of odd they looked like odd but if you love them enough and accept them enough and care for them enough they become these sweet kids and all the odd rubbish disappears it's gone because it never was odd they were just protecting themselves because they were hurting be very careful when you go to therapists that you go to a therapist who knows you're better off with a mentor much better off having mentors in their lives positive role models around them to hang with them be with them therapists later on when they mature and they're older you know with rare exception that's when they're ready to embrace and start the work 1920 around there they can begin to start the work begin i have spent so much of my career repairing the damage to kids done by therapists in the early years and by when i say therapists done by schlepping them to therapists because all you're doing is convincing your kid you're a mental case and one other comment about drug use is that when you embrace or have interaction with the addictions field make sure you're talking to someone in the addictions field who is an expert in the of the derek because the fact that someone's using drugs doesn't make them a drug addict on the contrary then the vast majority if not almost all of our kids who do drugs if we do attachment work if we do this work proper attachment work loving caring attachment work almost all of them will spontaneously give up drugs they'll do it themselves they'll never need any of the experts in the addiction field there are some kids like in the case of alcohol addiction where it can change the brain chemistry and they'll need the help of people in the addictions field that may happen and it certainly may happen later on when the adults when the young adults and adults they may need help from that build but in the early years is the attachment work is a thousand times more effective than any of the work the addictions field will offer you it's just more effective and on the contrary what we do if we go the other route is we find ourselves convinced that our kids are addicts and then we focus on the drug because in the addiction field the drug is always primary you've got to heal the drug get rid of the drug before you can do anything to help your kid in the crisis world with teenagers the drug is secondary the attachment is primary it's a huge enough commitment okay four levels of alienation this we know where the kids get alienated school friends community family and when they get alienated that much they frequently act and look psychotic if your kid has like a teenager has like some psychotic breakdown in front of you that does not mean they're psychotic it means they're completely offline and they've you threw them into fight and flight and they're actually panicked totally panicked they're not psychotic and you don't take them to to psychiatrists because they act psychotic even though you look in their eyes and they talk and look psychotic they do they're not psychotic they're actually caught in a double bind how do i stay in a loving relationship with you and hate you at the same time how do i do that how do i hate my parents and love my parents at the same time that creates that feeling inside of psychosis it's not psychosis trust me sexual behavior all these kids as part of the process will go through inappropriate almost all of them will go through inappropriate sex behavior what it really starts with is them looking for comfort they'll look for comfort with the the opposite gender this is as about as normal as it could be because comfort is found in the embrace of the opposite gender however it is completely normal what they're doing is trying to cover up that's not the focus when you see them with pornography promiscuity whatever they're involved in whether it's homosexual lesbian behaviors all these kind of things they're just learning looking for a way to survive they're hurting don't get frightened about it they're looking for a way to survive do more attachment work work harder on connecting with your child and understanding them today and this is not for now but i can tell you that in future uh in the next actually the next keshinashi conference i'm probably going to talk about the emergence of the transgender sugar because it's happening all over the place and there's absolutely no hydra that i know of anywhere for this sugar so we're going to address that probably the homosexual lesbian they're two different sugars and the transgender i'm going to try and address that in future future conferences because um it's becoming so widespread um and as those of you who are struggling with this have already discovered there seem to be no experts in this surgery at all nobody nothing you're completely alone so we're going to try and address that in future conferences so this is why we're here today what are we dealing with we have to know and embrace by now that we're dealing with the suggested fish once kids go into this spiraling out of control into their inappropriate sexual behaviors and drug use and alcohol use we know we're dealing with this sugar the pain inside creates strong suicidal ideation in our children and we're in a very very difficult massive because the alternative of padlocking them to their bed so they don't go out because we're so scared for them that's not an alternative and we all know that we can't stop them or prevent them going out we we cannot stop them doing what they're doing and it is a suffolk there's no question about it i um i don't have the statistics i didn't want to put i have preliminary statistics i didn't put it out yet but uh kids are dying regularly kids are dying regularly and so i have no suffix about it and therefore the height is to work on the attachment not on controlling their behavior controlling their behavior damages your attachment with your kid which causes worse behavior and more suicidal ideation their kids are in a place where they wonder how they're going to live and survive they're in so much pain i'll be honest with this if we would know as parents how much pain our children are in we would probably feel suicidal we would be so broken inside that my child feels if we could measure if we could just do some sort of measurement that would tell us the level of pain our kids are in we would be broken to the core we have to realize that everything they're doing all their behavior is because of this intense pain inside them where they just need some relief from the pain or hiding from the pain so they do these dysfunctional behaviors to soothe temporarily just to soothe and they imagine that we get mad with them when we catch them it's crazy this is what we have to go home with this knowledge so what's you what do we do now you as the parents are the icker for their hat let's be very clear as parents we provide the vehicle for our children to recover we do not repair trauma eventually the kids will have to go into therapy with or without us and they'll have to find a way to repair their trauma they will but they will not do that unless they have a relationship with us there's no way the kids are going to go and do that work until they value the relationship with us so deeply that they want to repair the damage so they can have a relationship with us we create inside them that image that picture they want to be at our pace they want to sit in our sukkah they want to get married and bring their husband or wife and their children to zadie and bobby they want to bring them they want to come to us that gives them the drive and desire to recover if we don't repair the attachments they can't they have no desire to do the work we facilitate their recovery by repairing our attachments where they want a relationship with us because if they don't want a relationship with us they just continue downhill doing the same old stuff so we are the crucial echo in their recovery by repairing our attachments with them loving and accepting them for who and what they are we do we create the potential for their recovery that's what we do which means you have to stop being a target for their arrows when they scream and yell at you when they curse you out when they threaten you and tell you terrible things you embrace it you accept it and you stop being a target by acting in a way where shameful you know do you think you could you know just don't do it let it go when you i will say this and i think i'm right that if you have incredibly unbelievably good attachments with your kids you may well earn the privilege and right to ask them to do you a favor to behave in a different way they would like to under a special circumstance if you've really repaired the attachments they'll do it for you gladly but until you've repaired the attachments they are who they are they need to be accepted the way they are that means you make a khasna and they come dressed like a brutal to the faster you tell her you come any way you want honey you're our family she she'll never know she's loved by you until she walks into your family simpler dressed like a prusa and you dance with her in love with the way she is she'll never ever know you really love her impossible it's just not doable until he comes to the fastener in his shredded jeans they actually sell them like that you know that they shred them you know this their soul shredded i thought it was crazy but there it is apparently until he comes with his shredded jeans and his you know earring and no yarmulke and he walks into the faster like that and you dance with him and love him and accept him until that happens how will you repair the attachment that's an opportunity that's an opportunity and yes does it take a lot of from us absolutely it takes a lot of but that's why it works that's why it works and that repairs the attachment you know if you do it enough times then later on your kid will say you know what i i think i should get a suit for the hustler and you say no no the jeans are fine sweetie they're good you say no no i think i really it's time for me to wear a suit say for me don't do it if you want to do it that's fine we don't need it we don't need it but if you want to do it if you feel good in a suit i'd be glad to what you don't do is say great come let's get the suit yes absolutely why what took you so long you know no the five stages you will go through on your journey this is on i go i do this in a couple of the drushes but these stages everyone goes to the denial anger bargaining morning until we get to acceptance you have to go through the stages you can't avoid them they're all part of life we all go through them and you can still see we'll give you the uh i know i've spoken about this at length in previous josh's but you have to go through these stages and you have to go through mourning the loss that this picture image of what you thought your child was going to be isn't gonna be and then you can accept who she is or who he is and you can have nachas beyond belief beyond belief i can tell you i wouldn't my wife and i know we wouldn't trade the cookie cutter kids for our kids our kids give us more knackers i want to tell you what the narcissist is about it's not about them it's not something i gain the nachos i get is watching them working through their lives being mature dealing with life confronting life growing from life there's so much enough seeing them working out how to be a wonderful person it's worth everything and it's certainly worth more than what can i say you know the cookie kind of kids that we take credit for as if somehow we produced that we didn't produce it trust me you have to let go of external control if you're going to gain internal control there's a clown goddamn in the whole circuit of attachment of reattachment to the degree with which you give up external control you gain internal control that means you stop trying to fix them on the outside by attaching with them on the inside they want to behave in a way that meets your needs that accommodates you they want to they go out of their way to do it on the contrary but you have to give up external control you have to make sure the fear when you're frightened get rid of your fear so people are going to see and people are going to know so what friday night my son-in-law and i spoke here does anyone really think less of us when we exposed our whole story no [Applause] no i know that i'm convinced of that and i'm also convinced that for every one of us sitting here the same is true we have to let go of fear that controls us because of shame and we have to embrace our messiah we have to embrace our circumstances love it and accept it for what it is and we all go on this amazing journey together our families because of it and we simply give up trying to make it the other sugar that we thought it was going to be just give it up because it's not going to be that serious get your ego out of the way we've spoken we always speak about that that's the key this this is the greatest gift i mean all of musa and avoid this hashem let's be the whole thing all musa and the vedas hashem has is about getting your ego out of the way darth khabay vegas with the rabbini shalom only comes when it's what am i nothing right moisture banana we by the way we're amazing at josh's we give great josh's we simply don't live them it's so strange in this sugiya we get the chance to live it because the feeling of being effice of being nothing you know our children bring us to that place beautifully they take us to this feeling which is really the essence of all of this hashem that's moshe menu that's what that was his godless and greatness it was he was there was no motive and we say joshua's on this am i right or wrong we say amazing russia's on this and it's only us with our sugya they get a chance to live it what a bracha what a brother and to do that you have to stop worrying about all the neighbors and friends and relatives all that rubbish it's all rubbish trust me it's rubbish and when they come and they tell you how could you let her do that try and be polite you can tell you know that's such an interesting question that's such a fascinating question thank you for the question can we just can we just stop there would that be okay it's a beautiful question and they say well tucker why do you let them do it no no that's fine i got it thank you we have to try and be polite with them all because they don't get it grandparents especially usually have a hard time although i must tell you when they get if you show them these josh's they change they change these josh's all the keshinashi joshuas give them access to the website they change these drushes are changing the world i must tell you people tell me the thousands and thousands of people they sit with their families and they watch these joshuas changes their lives tell them it's a great question i'm going to send you a joshua i'd like you to watch and then after you've watched it would you mind asking me again that's all don't defend yourself definitely definitely don't get defensive just acknowledge the question and then give them a joshua today we have a resource we have these joshuas there's so many of them and they help them understand kashinashi was built the name kashinovshi about based on the valaturum the famous balatorium by joseph where yahood is trying to convince joseph to let binyamin go home go back to his father and he gives two shots and he said so he stole the governor that's the reason you're not sending him home because he stole the governor do you thought he was a nar so melee he needs his father to be mechanical second shot he says he's a nar right because that's the posix says he's a nar and what yehuda is saying is that he needs naf [Music] kadela if you want to do any to your child you need nafshok shura banoffshree you need to be connected that's attachment what is the word attachment sure connected you cannot do any form of without connection there's no rules without relationship we have to get reconnected to our kids when we embrace them where they're at and afgha through their defiance is how we get there by embracing them when they're defiant what we're doing here is repairing the attachments religion forget about it that will come or not come we'll see it may come a year later 10 years later or never i don't know we'll see that's their journey our job is to reattach to our kids because by doing so we create the potential like but if you focus on where are they going to be from again you already missed it that's their journey it's not our journey every individual person is i once came to joshua i was actually in square i nearly had a panic attack when i gave this russia they invited me to give a joshua in square in english can you imagine i thought i was going to it really happened and i thought i was going to have a panic attack but i said you know what let me just say and see what happens i had a whole deuce of diana mirabanim and i said i want you to know the torah mitzvahs is optional i thought they'd kill me i said the torah says brother says here's the sky he's the irish here's the right things here's the wrong things here's what you should do i called him a few of him that's what you should do here's what you shouldn't do but bottom line is i'm going to leave it up to you it's your choice it's optional that model which i believe is the essence of being human is we're not forced we choose the nature of being a human being is to be a biker a person who makes choice that is the essence of humanity and when we force our children to do things they're not a biker we take away their humanity in our sugiya to give them back their humanity we let them make their choices and we're there to guide them maybe to talk about the pros and cons if they want but accept them they need to know we love them and accept them for who they are and you have to put religion on back burner if they smack that what you're doing here is about religion well let me say this if you feel it they're going to smack it they will know so you have to let it go your job is you have a child that's your child and your job is to make that person feel loved that's your job what they do with religion we'll see you have to you have to put it on the back burner and you have to show them that your love for them doesn't depend on their compliance on their behavior the on the contrary when they defy you is the best way to show them you love them because when they defy and you still love them as opposed to when they comply and you love them they think that your love is dependent on their compliance they complied they did what you wanted but when you love them when they're defying you that's when they can repair the damage it's the only way they compare actually the defiance is the best moment for healing there's no better moment for healing than when they defy healing doesn't happen when they comply it can only happen when they define gift them okay this is a sugiya i'm not going to go into in deep but just the concepts that we're going to give them in tp this will be called bums for those of you know tb right splurge on them care for them give them do things for them take them to the movies you know sometimes you even buy their drugs you know why because girls will prostitute their bodies for drugs little girls 14 and 15 year old girls will prostitute their bodies for drugs so yes go take them and get their drugs if you can't stop them don't make them prostitute themselves and you're doing you know attachment work you're doing when you take them and you get it she tells the fault i'm just imagine what you're doing what that kid feels when you took them clothing yes you know you buy them whatever they want look i just mentioned this about smartphones do not go to a rov to discuss a smartphone or the internet please unless the rav is a bucky autumn in crisis they get it they understand there are robotic who understand it otherwise they're going to have a conversation with you about the internet i can tell you this pornography is i don't have to go into the details losing a relationship with you as the parent is worse it's that simple so fighting with your kid over a smartphone because you're worried about pornography and the kid hates you because of it is worse than if they watch the stupid pornography in the first place this you have to come to terms with so don't ever go to a rob and discuss the internet smartphone you know it's like because they're going to do the regular sugar internet smartphone you know it's not also it's a different sugar a loss of relationship with you as a parent over the smartphone is worse than them having it on watching pornography except their choices their boyfriends their girlfriends out of the house in the house sleeping them in the room i don't go because there's so many levels of my dregas and when yes it could be that you're going to have them in the house sleeping with them they might be in the basement and you don't even know about it and if you do know about it pretend you don't do we understand this look at this beautiful couple [Applause] be in touch with your own emotional reactions i spoke on thursday great length because i was asked to about the husband and wife relationship we need desperately to support each other to make this work our kids need to see us on the same page simon said the technical details of being on the same page but remember if the attachment if repairing the attachment is creating internally unconsciously in our children a desire to want to be at my shabbos table if i'm repairing that attachment then you have to make your home a safe place place of love and acceptance where they would want to be more than anywhere else that's why we have to work on this more than anyone else distance yourself from very non-supportive uneducated therapists robotim friends relatives mcconnell if they don't know the suggest be polite but don't go back don't go back including relatives be polite but don't go back don't discuss this because they music you and most of all get psychological or spiritual help to battle your own ego how many people are still feeling yeah but you know once you have that yet but feeling inside you've got to get rid of that feeling totally gone because all this i'm saying today flies against the principles of hinduja bonham kavyasan as it was this everything i'm saying goes against the program we have inside so you simply have to divide your brain in half there's a pseudo of regular which you're welcome to do with your other kids if you and want to figure of crisis kind of that belongs over here it's too serious but don't miss the suggest and if you find books there are books written on on parenting and where they don't separate between these two suggest put the book in ganesha and sheamus get rid of it when i read such books they make me incensed enraged because they're so misleading any author writing about has to state is this regular or is this crisis the two sugars you can't miss them you find a book like that get rid of it and all the great you know these pamphlets that run around i don't want to mention anyone's name in particular but from robonim mostly deceased and the people put out pamphlets in their names about genoch these are not for us they have nothing to do with crisis enough nothing don't read them they'll they'll they create bilbao no that's a whole subject kind of let me address that nonsense privately okay it's be in touch with your emotional reactions if you have your own childhood trauma as many of us do your kids are going to trigger you into a trauma state and when they trigger you into your trauma state you cannot do attachment work because you're both running from each other to survive you're both in fight and plight when you know you have when you know have your own childhood trauma you have to treat it go into treatment deal with it this is kadush because there's no way you're going to reattach with your kid if you're still reacting to your own childhood trauma you've got to deal with it and by the way that's not a bad thing think about it and why shouldn't you it's such a beautiful thing go deal with it it will get in the way and finally get your torah hush gothas online with crisis says if you once you see it the torah and the commentaries and the fortune will replete with hydra for us in crisis seems the mafoshim understood this much better than we did and it's all there seek it i spent years as a matter of fact it was rv fisher my dear friend who who first introduced me to nasi bhushan he gave me a gift one time i spoke somewhere he gave me a set of the super sham this goes back maybe 20 years and i've never learned it before and he said sherman you're going to love this and i every shabbos and my kids know this that's what i learned shabbos neon that's my primary light three storm all the years in lakewood people came to learn with me and we started in the suburbs to understand really crisis how to understand this anus life what it's about and i do it to this day 20 years later find something that will hold you together in torah hashgrapher work your attachments repair the attachments with your kids embrace and accept we're dealing with crisis it's a different suggestion and be patient because it can take a long time but i guarantee you this we're doing it my wife and i 26 years 26 years and it's not over 26 years and i promise you this it has only benefited and enhanced our lives in ways we could never have imagined this is your new life this is not something you're going to do so you don't have to come to questionable anymore you fix the problems you're coming you're hooked you're hooked [Applause] here keshianovshi you have family you have people who get you who understand you we're living a different life we are living a different life and i will tell you it's a very intensely spiritual and meaningful life that we live that's so real that's the life we have here we thank you all for coming and [Applause]