How to help kids with ADD and ADHD? - Rabbi Alon Anava

to explain it the thing is like this that everything in this world has what's called a light and a vessel and everything in this world if you look at it it's some type of a of a ham a Godly Revelation and this has to be put into a vessel even in the physical world you need vessels for everything you have somebody gives you a check you need a bank account you need to put the money into the bank account you need to do something type of an action even our body you know is in a house our body is in clothes there's constantly this relationship of body of light and vessel when when the vessel is too big for the light or too small for the light or broken or damaged then the light cannot dwell in it so when something happens something like that it means that the vessel is not worthy for the light the easiest way to explain it is you see sometimes a relationship with a father and a child a mother and a child the father or the mother wants to get a point across but they're using the wrong light for what the vessel of the child can hold the vessel of the child can hold a seven-year-old cannot hold too many information and it doesn't know what you meaning when you walk into the room and you start screaming that the room is upside down that's too much light trying to go into a very small vessel it doesn't go in it's not going to fit the reaction will be that the child you know moves back like what do you want from me you have to understand what the child is thinking when you start screaming at the child he's looking now at a per at an adult that's screaming like an animal he's like why is that person screaming he doesn't understand that's why Parenthood is failing in many many departments because the parent is trying to give something to the child in a portion that the child cannot handle this kind of relates to the relationship of a a a light and a vessel she now poured me a lot of water in here look how big this vessel is you know how much water can go in here and I can techically get the same amount of water with a very small vessel I will get the same amount of water but it will fill the vessel all the top all the way to the top now the vessel is going to be in completion it's going to be fulfilled I got the exact same amount but the vessel now is huge one might say if I look at it in a very limited way hey you didn't give me a lot that's what kids do hey you didn't give me a lot because I knew your stomach it's not a big vessel in to get more water if you take now this amount of water and put it in a small cup it will make the cup full so what I'm trying to say is that in relationship that sometimes the the light goes into the vessels too much so HDH HD is too much light in a vessel that cannot handle it the the reaction is you know person moves away so how so I've got a child with very severe ADHD how do I help her con next her intellect to her the thing no the thing is like this first of all there are two I would say three levels here the first level is is the spiritual level because kids are very sensitive even though many will might find loopholes in where it's permitted for kids to do certain things their is so sensitive and gets affected right away I used to live not too long ago in a big building and my neighbor would come can you tell your two-year-old to turn my light on on Shabbat I was like no why should she desecrate Shabbat it's a two-year-old yeah but her still feels it and a lot of people say oh you know according to Al you don't have to be so particular with meat and dairy with kids and yes you have to cuz they're so sensitive their in the sh is so sensitive that you give kids things that are not koser it affects them you give kids junk spiritual junk what they show on TV and games and all these things it affects the N right away so in the spiritual level you have to make sure that she's getting the doses that what she can handle you have to be extremely strict with her with kosher kids have to be more strict with I'm more strict with my kids in K than on myself why because their n is sensitive I'm not looking right now what the permits me to do what doesn't permit me to do I'm looking in a more deeper level my kids Nas are sensitive so what they see affects them right away what they hear affects them right away so I'm very particular with what they see on TV yeah they can watch TV but there's kosher shows what they play the games they play with every little thing that the child is in touch with affects their n in a very deep level and it's everything keeping Shabbat kosher you know you know even my kids I make sure that they wear tiit even though that a kid does not have to wear titit a boy till his b Mitzvah does not have to wear titit but his is so sensitive why should I not put a Mitzvah on him why should I not Empower his n kids don't have to I make my kids forget about the here because spiritually it affects them it's affecting my four-year-old to wear titas and to carry the bucket with water next to his bed all these things affect him so in the spiritual level you have to do that because it will affect them connected to the spiritual level up until the age of B Mitzvah and Bar Mitzvah whatever the parents do directly affects the kids directly you know that in the spiritual level the kids come from the father from the of cuz the the sperm comes from the father but the mother comes from the spe of Bina she's the one who's cooking the baby for N9 months for 9 months the baby is depending on you food air well not air but all the substance gets from the mom up until bar and B Mitzvah the substance that the kids get they get directly from the father and mother so if I want my kids to have an easier life in their struggling I I I have to refine myself what the father and the mother do directly affects the kids they learn from that's what you're saying I'm not talking D I'm talking spiritually if I now sit and learn Tor which affects my intellect my right away spiritually it affects my kids how how no the thing is that it's even more in the spiritual level this is a very indepth topic but in a very short explanation the father carries the sperm the sperm is in the father's mind it's in the brain it's not in the in the organ what people think the sperm comes from the brain then it goes down the spine out and then delivered to the woman in the spiritual level the sperm comes from the from the Mind from the mo of the father so you can say that in the DNA that comes from the sperm that's in the child is also a chip a spiritual chip from the intellect of the father so when I before he was born he already exist but it's there it's always there it's always always there when the father learns tah and prays and and guards his eyes his tongue does those S of things it affects the kids directly same thing with the mother we affect our kids how we behave you said you have problems with patience anger etc etc you arouse that in you it affects the child why it happens that's a a three months course explaining the depth of the spiritual structures of our souls but our souls are connected the fact that it's two separate bodies has nothing to do with it it's one so it say a a connection like Wi-Fi how am I getting Wi-Fi to this little box when the transmitter is 50 m from me there's some type of a connection one transmits one receives yeah when I sit down now as a father and I learn T and I activate this spark in my mind in my by Wi-Fi I'm transmitting this level of of of this revelation of of Enlightenment straight into my child right away so my children will be more successful in school they'll be more relaxed they'll be more receptive they're not going to be so they're not going to answer but all these things now the father brings the intellect the mother brings the midot you work on yourself it will affect the child so something like HD ADD and something like that that's actually more the father you tell your husband to learn more Tor good so has learn even more the thing is that again it's this is not 100% answers I'm just telling you what what you need to focus on that that slowly slowly starts affecting them so one thing is what they is how they get affected spiritually the second thing is the parents physically you have to see what they're eating because food affects directly the brain directly anything that you put in your stomach gets digested becomes blood that starts affecting the entire body if you look at what you buy in the supermarket 80% of it is poison if not 90% all the food that you buy off the shelf is full with chemicals MSG GMO food coloring all this junk that the the kids eat 100% poison it's not 90% poison it's 100% poon I don't know why people even consume it my kids came now from por with all the % of what were in the bags we threw away I told him give give me the I'll give you normal things just give me the junk you know my kids come back from birthday parties with all the sweets they come with these jelly things the gummy things this is like a rubber band with colors and taste this is 100% poison not 90% or 80% and it affects the kids much greater than the parents but even parents everything you know how they say in America you are what you eat that's it so I believe that 90% of the problems that that people have in our generation physically now is just the the the food just nutrition you take now I once went through I read a book about that and went through my entire kitchen freeer fridge everything I throw away anything with an E well a bad e number that in you cause hper activity and we do we hardly processed food but there's still more there's look there's always more and kids are very very sensitive and some are more sensitive than the others so one kid it will affect less one kid it will affect very very strong there's no black and white here but I'm giving you different departments that you can focus and see like okay let's now psychoanalyze in this particular child maybe the K diet is not 100% maybe I'm not really M with you know the exact time between meat and dairy maybe I'm giving them this maybe they giving them that these are just Solutions not necessarily that will solve the problem just giving you different ideas but I can tell you for a fact that the the the nutrition that we have in our generation is Poison the people that are depressed and anxiety and fears and all these things put them on a normal diet you see that most of it will be will will not happen and ultimately you have to see you know how you are relating with a child because you can be the best mother in the world your husband can be the best father in the world but the communication I don't know how old she is but little kids younger kids till their teenagers when the brain is not developed the brain starts developing when they're 16 17 their brain really starts developing how you connecting to the child also affects because when the child you have to understand that children don't have tools how to deal with life they don't know how to deal with anger or with frustration or with disappointment kids don't have tools how you deal with a child you actually have to give them the tools and if a parent doesn't deal the right way with a child like I said before too much light in a very small vessel the reaction is that the child gets pulled away so it will either will come down as you know child being totally closed doesn't open up or concentration problems all these problems s it's a child they don't know how to react so you have to see how you how you communicating with a child how you making that the child that the the the line of communication is is different I'm not saying better because could be that you're an amazing mom but maybe you're using the wrong methods how to communicate with the child and how it affects the child and that the child pulls away that they don't want to deal with children don't want to deal with problems they don't know how to deal with problems a parent says something the wrong way you know in Our Generations parents threat if you don't do this I'm going to do that kids don't react good to threats they don't understand why are you threatening me what if I'm not going to clean my room you're going to take away my my dinner whatever people in our generation they use a lot of threats it's not the right way to to to to interact with a child and the older they grow the threats become less less real like what are you threatening me so it also depends how you interact with a child so if you start psych analyzing all these things could very much be that you're going to start refining it now the thing is that since she's close to but Mitzvah you want to start making her do a lot more mitv that that are more intellect that will will affect her because it does affect you know people look at the mitv they're like okay it's physical rituals it's not physical rituals it's things that actually affect my body if Hashem told me in the Torah to do something he knows exactly why he told me to do that it's not just a ritual that somebody invented if the Torah tells me to do a certain act it means that hasem knows that it will affect a certain point of my brain my body my n and if I don't get it same way that if you're now going to starve a person there going to be all sorts of side effects you starve a a person spiritually there'll be all sorts of side effects and you have to see because each individual is completely different but so much more so when she's getting closer and closer to B Mitzvah now she's going to be B Mitzvah she's going to be now according to certain things you have to see each individual has a different mitvah that affects in a very deep way some are very are coming from the side of some coming from the side of each from a different place and it will manifest into the body so you really as a parent that you worry about the child you want to psychoanalyze where is all these things happening and some kids it's going to affect less some kids you have to put a lot more effort in order for this to kick in but I can tell you already that the two major things is nutrition and the other thing is spiritually what's going on around her cuz kids you know are very they're transmitters of very sensitive and some kids they're less so they don't get affected so much some kids they get affected right away and the how you and your husband conduct with each other your relationship and by yourselves your relationship with hem directly affects the children so sometimes when I see something negative in my child I don't start searching why is my child doing it I'm searching in me wait wait a minute maybe I'm doing something not so good that my child now is behaving like that cuz children are really to refine us we think that we are educating them but we look at a child a smart parent looks at the child and says okay let me see the child is showing me what I'm lacking what I'm doing wrong you know the all usually children and a guest comes to the to the house the children starts telling everything oh my dad says this my mother sh what are you doing kids you kids tell you the truth you look at the kid in their face you see what you have to work on yourself so again this is not 100% a solution but all these things probably will at least make it if it if would not make it much better will make it a little bit better but ultimately ultimately all comes from hasem and everything helps and sometimes AEM once you know when a child suffers the parent suffers double sometimes a child goes through something for the parent to look at it and suffer and do chuva and Elevate themselves to a higher level ultimately all comes from hasem and the one who puts the problem also can remove the problem so sometimes you need to get on hm's best side and you pray you make sure that you pray sometimes you know when Hashem puts a problem because he wants you to talk to him when you don't talk to Hashem hasem feels very UPS set praying is not about opening the SE door and standing I call it private time with God I have six kids every day I'm traveling speeches lectures they barely see me so I make sure that once a week each one has private time with me even if it's 20 minutes just me and that child once a week at least every child yeah you know you last time I was here one of my boys came so they tag along I make sure that each child gets private time that they get my undevoted attention and each child is completely different one child I can talk to him about intellectual things the other child is only jokes the other child is jumping up and down each child is different and if I take two together it's not the same cuz One Wants To Be Wild the other one wants to talk so each individual needs a completely personal injection Hashem wants private time with you so he tells you open the Sid and start talking to me that's private time between you and hm hasem tells you take 10 minutes out of your day I'm not asking much I know you're busy take 10 minutes close the door and talk to me I want some private time so sometimes hasem puts a problem we see it as a problem it's AEM telling you hello can you just ask me to remove it so sometimes hasem pushes us cuz he wants us to give give him some attention because when everything is good we don't really stop to to thank AEM when things are bad that's when we remember to start praying and to wake up so all this together is not necessarily 100% solution but it's enough to start working on you're not going to have any more hardships yes