How to Give Every Child The Chinuch They Need: Rabbi Fischel Schachter

all right hi everybody welcome tonight tonight we have a very special show with the official chef to join us tonight and uh tonight is sheer number 34. told us we're joined the first time and it's gonna be a very special evening we have some uh big news to discuss in a minute um again i want to first thank everybody who comes on every week and our viewers a lot of people are posting on the whatsapp status is emailing it telling people about it uh tremendous physique there's literally hundreds of people coming here every sunday night to be kazakh and um it gets recorded it gets sent out all over tour anytime and you know all different types of platforms and podcasts and it's tremendous because everybody said please share with everybody let people come we try to cover as many topics as possible for anybody who's watching this video on the redo the the replay on youtube don't forget to subscribe to coach monacham's uh channel also click on the like button so more people get to view it i want to start off tonight first with all of our regular advertising sponsors uh the liquid school before was promoting us here on lakewood it's a liquid-based zoom share me out of lakewood and i want to give a special thank you to them special thank you to robbie and janu from kazakh for always promoting us please go to kazakh.org to see all the programs they have a very special thank you to kylo california summer from jcn jewish content network always taking care of all of our digital advertising needs um next sunday we're gonna have a sheer a very powerful shirt actually i want to discuss a little bit one of the hardest speakers review discussing enough talking and time for doing real practical ideas on how to help yourself and your children and others to really do things versus you know talking you see a problem and you call you call a voice you call a organization what could you do for yourself and that it triggers into other things we had a long talk with him and it was very powerful and uh you spent time with himself it's going to be an unbelievable program so everybody here tonight please let everybody know about next week tonight's show we have source of having the world famous mechanic somebody who's been in the trenches of finna for probably another official i know how many years i've lost i lost counseling you could tell the islam me too i also lost cats better but if you don't count in ibrahimovic is only probably things that are you don't care okay we're happy to have you here we're gonna focus on how to give your children the time they need with practical advice and ideas we have tremendous amount of questions that got emailed in we're going to try to cover as much as possible tonight we have a chapter whatever we can cover tonight this is i'm getting emails right now as this year starting keeping getting more um before we introduce our host coach menachem everybody tonight i want to mention first child became a coward tonight we just made him both came from the from the end of the big mazatlan coachman should have an office from this border from all your children moisture welcome everyone to tonight's show i'll tell you the truth um i've still not landed i'm basically not here i'm still flying just coming from the engagement of my daughter hashem hashem was a beautiful beautiful engagement in hyderabad and um look at this i should have been one of our listeners hashem so i'll try to talk from up there and we'll see how that goes welcome everyone and i want us a special welcome to official with all the years of experience that he has and with being matefit's toyota and all over for the young for the old and hopefully tonight amit hashem will be able to get out you know with all the questions that everybody sent in and with the live questions we'll be able to hear up front a little bit from ravi shechter i just want to mention the concept before we start the topic is every person is different every child is different if you have parents there you go children bias itself you have her and you have him both can have two different views two different personalities two different uh ways of seeing things and then you have the children and each child is different so sometimes it could become complicated every child needs something else a different way of taking care and sometimes we want to do it one way this is how i do it with my oldest and it was good matalia so why can't i do with all of them it doesn't always work that way a different another concept is sometimes when we want to fix it could it could you can get you can get yourself in the way of letting things grow a very simple muscle is if you have grass growing and if you go every day and you look at the seeds and you finally see a little grass and you pull it and you move it to the side and you want it to go right you want to go left and then you want it to go a little faster so you give it a pull what do you think is going to happen with that little seed with a little grass not too much what we have to do is step back in las vaccine be there give it a little water give it sunlight whatever it needs be there but don't try to move it once we realize what the child needs what's the darkhoy sometimes it doesn't it might not work with the way we want but it's darkhoy it's not and then let go and let him grow um there are many stories out there people that i've met but i'm just going to mention a personal story somebody who came to me with his book ring yeshiva who's having a hard time very hard time to figure out why and the child is not participating and the child is not there and the moisture was about to give up and the most wanted to put the kids on medication and they told the father there's nothing we can do and the father said give me just give me one more chance and basically what the father did in five i'll say it in five words but it's not so easy the father just backed up and connected to the child to where the child is no more expectations no more pushing no more trying no more figuring out this and that just back up and just be there when the child needs you give him a little physique whatever he does it's not easy and sometimes our ego gets in the way we get very frustrated but sometimes that's what that basically what's needed just zoom out be there accept the way he looks now don't worry he won't look all he he'll grow up but let it happen so amit hashem tonight imagine we'll hear all of our listeners we're able to hear what we need to hear and what we need to hear for our kids and for ourselves for us to grow and to let our kids grow i'll pee dar k hem few hundred people aren't ready for 320 people whose hosts refuse to lament the navigables of gold from schools all the hundreds of people here tonight and all the thousands of people that watch it afterwards official official chapters bio short bio before you know just in case anybody doesn't know who you are uh official chef is highly acclaimed and much loved scholar international lecturer storyteller and author his woody charming warm and down-to-earth style continues to grab the attention of the light of multitudes of students among of many illustrations projects is a review in taberdas in brooklyn new york i went on the tour anytime and uh i saw you has close to a thousand shoe room there which uh it's a lot for touring time but uh official floor is yours give an opening before we get into questions small opening okay thank you so much you said you read my bio because people don't know who i am you still don't know who i am trust me i don't know who i am so thank you everyone for uh for joining tonight a couple of disclaimers okay first of all i i take no cries for anyone's bitter tyra if you want to please do not push off your bruce with this okay so just this but if you happen to be you know on the carpet cleaning the sink or underneath some place and you're working anyway you're in your house then you could listen um i also want to say that i am not just i can tell you for sure beyond any any question i am not the smartest person on this planet and neither the wealthiest so those are the two reasons that people listen to people like i don't score that high in either one of those so uh i'm not the smartest person on this planet and i'm not the wealthiest so i don't really claim that i have any anything uh you know worthwhile to say i definitely have no magic wands or mystical answers glimpses from above i'm also not a thai swiss so please don't be medic in my words okay so because you said this so it's matched with that i said no no no that's right so uh please don't be medic in my words so now that i have established my credentials right beyond repute i think we can uh we can begin you ever wondered by chevy bracket somebody gets up and he says like this i'm not a speaker but then he speaks for like a half an hour and i feel like saying if you're not a speaker so why are you getting up right you imagine going to a dentist and the person says i'm not a dentist i'm trying root canal i'm going to say this guy you know i'm not a plumber let me try let me try fix installing that uh all right and then you have uh chris yamsev uh i'm not a pilot but you know maybe you know how hard could it be already so if you know how come when it comes to speakers if you're not a speaker you speak not sure why but uh so that cash released by a chevy bruce i mean i think i do know why but we'll leave that for a different share um but it's not negay really tonight because you all have a bravery to sign off right you won't have a prayer just to press leave i'm not sure he's supposed to be you know you press leave so so really so unlike a captive audience by a chevy brachas uh or before music when you're really stuck unless you go to kids club but if your school is smart enough not to have kids club it's not a good thing especially if what it was about phillip once instead of kaddish college college he was so drunk he was saying um so if you're a captive audience then it's saka taina but everyone here has a breyer just to try just to sign off so mela so okay so after all is said and done so why am i here i'm telling you i don't know what to say and so why am i here and the thing is muslim you know we're going to talk things out together it's not that i'm i'm the big genius of a large family that was a matanum in the shamayim beyond anything else in this world my wife lazang zun comes from a very large loving family but i'm sure you've heard the story many times i'll say it real quickly that there was a woman that didn't have children for 12 years and she was a lone survivor of her family in the from the war and so was her husband and the situation was really was very painful and um in the course of time at that time about 60 years ago there was no bunny island there was no uh the organizations that helped people and you know you were basically on your own and they had gone through whatever they were able to go through to date on that that was available and this big big park avenue doctor called her in and said mrs so-and-so there's nothing more to do and i want to tell you something when here will grow on the palm of my hand you're going to have a child and that woman left the doctor's office it's a brachin it wasn't just her was she was the only survivor of her entire family and so was her husband i meant you know at the end of the line i'll be there for for hundreds and hundreds of people on both sides and there's no there's nothing else to do it says 12 years 12 years of hoping 12 years of uh of waiting it's it's uh somebody once said they which is la peten you know someone said you know he was married for uh he's married was married to five years he had a child so i said you know after five years he said it wasn't five years it was 60 months so it's 12 12 years as she gets onto the madison avenue bus and she's going back and forth and back and forth and says i'm not getting off this bus i have absolutely no reason to want to get off the why should i get off the bus for what and the bus is going back and forth and back and forth i'm not sure they had air conditioning in those days and finally at the end of the line so the bus driver gets up he goes lady you got to get off the bus she says i'm not getting off the bus i have nothing to live for so she says he takes off his cap like he says goes ma'am i had a hard day i don't know what your problem is but it's not going to be solved in the bus garage okay just get off this bus and get on with your life so she felt that those words were minor those words remain and she said you know what reborn shall let him you're smarter than me you know better than me and that's whatever's going to be is going to be life is going to go on she got off the bus and a year later she had a baby and i know that this story is true because this woman was my mother okay so i was born after 12 years and uh so i was raised as a benjit and uh you know like people that comes with its own challenges and its own niles yeah you got a lot more toys but it comes with its own challenges the worst challenge was people assume you're spoiled could be they were right but the assumption was difficult but uh so i was like to have uh to have barkhashem a very very big family and the exact numbers we said not negay and like everything else that i do everything right i'm sure if you ask my kids i'm going to tell you i did not and no one does we're human beings and me and my wife we have our share of things that we learned the easy way and things we learned the less easy way no hard don't think it's hard it's easy and less easy so maybe i can share a thing or a thing or two and we can learn from each other so you tell me where i'm supposed to go to the questions how long do i plot before we go to the questions yeah do you have as much time you want but uh-huh okay but but we want some people to still be online for questions right because basically the longer you talk the more people slip out okay so i was the eighth grade remy for many many years and we had this thing that uh i used to do the everyone kids would come late and bring a note and i would save the notes i'd put them into my draw and before purim i would read them and the kids had to guess whose note was who brought in that note that excuse that was like our little thing of course there were some notes then i put away but there's one note i still have and it reads basically as follows is what it said it said please excuse slaying me for coming late his grandmother had a baby and he had to stay home to watch his aunts and uncles and it was true right and the truth is it's not so it's matsi maison bakaryan i have uh i think i do right i have these we have uncles that are younger than they're uh younger than their nieces and uh younger than their nieces and their nephews okay um the so let me just say like this there you have brother hashem parents families trying to see what someone just texts me okay too complicated um whoever we'll leave usher and he'll get them live we'll get them live okay i'll deal with the questions don't look don't look at it let me deal with it okay great great so [Music] how do we do it how do we do it any large family whether it's lakewood borough park i'm talking about really really we're about 10 kids 13 kids 14 kids how how do we do it how do we do it financially how do we do it emotionally how do we do it that we have enough time for the kids how does this work and the answer is if i had to tell you on pen and paper no there's no doesn't work it doesn't work but we do it so how do we do it so obviously there's a heisman which is a little bit higher than that the rebel once said be careful with your children different oils said be careful with your children and maybe your parents meaning to say he felt that do we know that the rebuild hashem kane yearbook of deuce down here in this world after the war is that are our children or us are we the shamas of the people that were killed and we don't know these things and babies don't just fall down from shamayim there's a heisman as to which the shaman goes to which the bellatonia says when it comes back who looks at us he goes from her sinai until meshech grandfather father son there's a map the abrasive showed moisture available and understand and that alone i think is a very big in a time of challenge that the banished alliance showed maisha being who you your grandfather your father you your children your grandchildren it's part of a team it's not it's not just happening by chance so again a story that i'm sure many of you have heard from me over the past i was babysitting my youngest uh then he was five years old he's not five anymore but then he was five years old and he was like honest with the teen i don't know what to do tivo dives do whatever you want let me castro didn't say it that way it says shay for aziza do whatever you'd like to do but i had to finish something and he went i was babysitting and he was nudging me and we had the boxes there okay the boxes that were getting ready to be sent off to camp was the middle of the summer for all our children and camp they're never starving to death and we send off these care packages because that's these kids in the camps in the camps you know all they have is breakfast lunch supper snack and the food that the rabbit gives them to keep quiet and then the canteen and it but in between they don't know what to eat so we send them big care packages so we had all these boxes here oh and the water right you send water you send water to your kids in camp and when i went to camp i went with a little bag of cookies i don't know it didn't starve he used to do that you know what we need water there's no water in camp then you find this gas station over here like you know in barbara parker on nostril at east 3096th street i mean past canarsie past you know past pakistan and pass uh you know all the way there in uzbekistan there's a gas station you get the water for two sensing you pull up over there but i guess there's a long line of minivans a bunch of hidden schlepping water you know and then it looks like the day that the kids get onto camp know what it looks like everyone's schlepping their father slapping cases of water onto the truck looks like the pictures of the coloring books for mitsrayam you know with the parents sending the thing then once i so i go around to different camps saying stories and once i popped in tucker to my kids camp and he was there having a water fight with someone spritzing the water and i said no no next year you got to slap your own water you know what i mean okay so here i am i'm sitting there and my little one is telling me i don't know what to do so i said do it let me finish something okay he says i can effort in the back says i could open the boxes of nash open the backs of the nash just leave me alone so he's opening backs after backs after backs and he's sitting like a nazir and a karen he's really really and my oldest son right he walks in and he gets married with kids with hashem and he looks at his little brother and he says can i ask you something and i said no not because i know he's going to ask and he says you know in my days you know what we had to do for one potato chip bag like you know look at this kid he says i want to tell you something is a very very good chat he really is he is the chakra that's what he does all day that's what rabbi is a very very good chakra okay and not only does he know which nasham likes to send to which people to which parents he also knows um which nishama you know he also knows who needs a 20 year old father that's going to get it straight and correct all the things that his father did wrong and who needs a 30 year old father and who needs a 40 year old father who needs a whatever father okay so most of us with big families no we didn't raise our oldest children the way we raised our youngest ones i always uh said i there's a skip stop generation and when i teach eighth grade i was just to ask kids what their shabbos table is like and i were connected to the age of the parents and some of them i knew their fathers and grandfathers and i'm telling you this is how it works okay two people get married and one of them says i want to tell you something right the husband says to the cow in my house shabbos table was boot camp follow me i take more grain how much did you have already spoon one spoon per person there's a small spoon go to the bathroom soon start smears kamakadesh it's since when do we sing that kamikades you know i was like we couldn't wait for the suit to be over i said in my house it's not going to be that way in my house then then the next generation goes like this in my house the shabbos table was a joke kids are running all around the place my father's there smiling and jumping you didn't care less this kid's jumping up and down goes up says this gets down says no no in my house there's going to be seder we're always correcting the previous generation so i ask you so it's obviously where a kid should be born because he's being raised by a father that's correcting his father so it all depends what his father did because he's correcting but this is how it goes is the is there's a plan and the kadash barclay is the master planner and the kardash barclays plan applies to everything in this planet including the very planet itself and that was set into place by the one who created and sustains it and he's the one that created you he's the one that created your spouse he's the one that created your children and he's the one that decided you're going to be the parents of your children and that plan applies to us and we're we're just here to execute the plan that's all we're doing we're here to deal with the challenges namely malek says why are we here for abhishek set it all up for us right he doesn't didn't ask us before we were born but why are we here and the answer is we're here to deal with the challenges you saw her yes because because the humry is garden because it's going to be challenging raising kids i remember he wants to ask my majesty about the difficulty i was having with one of my kids and i told him this is sargilbon and he said to me no no that's giddlebon that's not sargil butter that's okay that's what you get paid for that's what the schneider is so having said that yes sir yeah we're ready okay we have tons of questions let's get started we're going to start off with a little poll just to get everybody into it okay and we'll start with the questions we have a few people that want to ask live and let's be let's uh was here tonight again everybody turn on your cameras if you could official came gave the dedicated his time and anybody who has a question please feel free to text me let's ask him a question and ask him why he goes first okay and anybody wants texting text me don't text her official because i'm gonna i'm gonna guide it okay let's start with the poll question click the poll okay everybody on get answered three questions tonight we really we really vamped it up let's go first question is how do you feel how do you feel you're handling your children's struggles a we have a game plan that's under control b we have our better days but still struggling regularly or see we're totally lost that's the first question anybody can you click on it vote it's anonymous we don't know who's saying what second question is what are some ways you connect with your child we spend a special time with them b we buy them stuff c i tell them i love you or d do extra things for them it's basically you know the five love languages but we only did four time stuff i love you words of affirmation do extra things for them needs and services the third question is do you feel you're able to meet each of your child's needs it's yes no i try but i can't keep up with all my children's needs everybody on the show it's ready 520 people are official you're seeing the answers coming they can't see it so let's let people go see what we're dealing with over here five seconds was chef interesting yes yes very interesting very it's interesting how it's amazing how few people are totally lost go ahead that's how lost they are yeah it's really a trick the one who says yes is really totally lost right right right yeah yeah okay let's share the results okay here's the answers everybody how do you feel you're handling your children's struggles twenty percent of the people here tonight feel we have a game plan that's under control 68 of people relive we have our better days but still struggling regularly and 12 are totally lost second question is what are some way um what are some ways you connect with your child either a spend special time with them 53 percent seven percent says buy them stuff 21 to tell them i love you and 90 do extra things for them so spend special time with them right quality time it seems that's how people feel they're connecting with their children and that's three do you feel you're able to meet each of your child's needs 32 percent say yes eight percent say no 60 says i try but i cannot keep up with all my children's needs very interesting so basically i have an oil over here my mind is then that's trying and uh trying to make it so you can exit off the screen now okay i'm gonna we have a bunch of questions we'll start the questions then we'll go to live questions okay probably just just so we say your children's needs is it your children's needs or what they want the left after the same thing not everything your child wants is what he needs i guess what the parents feel their needs are right okay so i can't say i need soda no you don't you want soda right okay we'll talk talk about it go ahead okay so i want to say before we start we got questions from all over the place we first started off with you know because the grace larger meshworks we have questions then we have questions on crisis and then we have just random questions so let's start off with the basics and we'll get into deeper and again everybody wants to ask a lot of please text me we'll put you on first basic questions i have a house full of children a larger spoke i find it very challenging to see each of them to get their needs met rabbi can you give us any practical tips and advice how to give khan when you have a large buffer okay so uh first of all you should have loads of nachos from all of them and um you have to view each kid as a penny that's very very hard to say when three of them are chasing each other down the stairs right i still remember once i was somebody came to talk to me about sibling rivalry it's what i have because in this house it's crazy and i was in camp and i was sitting out there and i'm telling them different things you have to do to try to get your kids to to get along with each other and for my peripheral vision you know my rear view mirror and my glasses i i see my seven-year-old son chasing my six-year-old daughter with a neglect masterchisel full of water and he shoves it at her but my daughter's good she jumps out of the way and it hits my client you know he gets soaked and the guy goes whose kids are those i said no idea anyway back to what you're supposed to about right sibling right remember one kid running after the other one with a shoe and i said to him stop he said hey did it to me first i said tyra says now taking a comma he stops he thinks for a moment okay it's a new fight boom okay he's not taking the comment he's starting uh starting a new fight okay um the sniper writes about this he writes about large families and he says at the end of the day it's seated ishmael and you need seattle ishmael for raising one child as much as you need the shema for raising twelve children if you either have the seat of the shema you don't have the shema and it's not necessarily the same on any given day on some days we do and some days we don't but some days we think we don't we actually do and some days we think we do when we're actually making mistakes but the number doesn't make that much of a difference somebody once came into the stipend this is really an area which i don't want to go into tonight but he sent him you know how can he financially take on the the uh the all of a large family and he said to him and if you had one kid how do you financially take on deal it's it's as you did which you said with you can fly over the heavens without the bunsen you can't step over the threshold um we we you need seated for 12 as well as as well as for one but i think that was very very important is that you don't need an awful lot of time for each kid i think what every kid needs is a moment of recognition from the parent it just shiva what's going on with that he said you had a problem with your seat uh divorie everything okay yeah you know raising whatever it is just a good night just say each kid's name somebody once told me this it's very very important especially you have a lot of kids at home people are saying to me how do you have 14 kids oops slipped okay how do you raise 14 kids so we didn't raise them all at the same time they weren't all born at the same time that was a mitsuram they had six at one time you know we so you kind of trained the older ones to work with the younger ones which bar hashem i think we did you take it slowly but the main thing is that you connect with each child on every given day really you know what i don't hear what my schedule is you don't need a lot of time as a matter of fact sometimes their parents overdo it just connect my father i i hated to sit and learn i managed adhd forget it i have the whole a through z the whole excel sheet a a b b c d d e f f f g h i i couldn't sit for two seconds my father used to say five minutes and i would sit with him for five minutes and i remember those five minutes the kid doesn't need more than five minutes every single child needs those five minutes connect connect with it and you'll see you'll that's all that child needs yes if the child opens up when you ask him how how it's going and he starts opening up and then you realize oh yeah you have to spend some time now to listen to your kids for sure for sure that's the challenge the real challenge is tomorrow to ask him what's doing and to remember what's happening you have to have time to listen right but at least ask will he sit down say that good morning say that good night i said make a mental list in your head did you mention the name of every did you mention the name of every single child in other words they do have a not just look at your shoes yeah you're walking out i don't mean that i think okay look i'm what's doing through years i drove today i drive my bacha ishida every morning um he has rides and otherwise i would never get to speak to him and and and i only have two left in the house for good reasons um just just make in your mind you have to plot that connect that image like you close every button of your shirt if you're one of those people that closes every button of your shirt did you talk to every single one of your kids even for 10 seconds kid doesn't need more there needs to be a connection yeah i think many people when they hear a topic of finnish instead of thinking about their kids they start thinking of the family they grew up in so of the family where they come from so this is a question if kids that grow up in a large family lose out if they lose out on love or an attention if um they don't get as much as when it's a family of small kids right you have to ask that uh you have to ask the kids really so it's really it's not fair for me to ask the question because i had the best of both worlds right i raised the big family and i grew up in in a single family i i i really think that you i remember friday afternoons when things were really hectic in the house and on top of that my mother a little charlemagne came to the house you know you're dealing sandwich generation in between taking care of sometimes with three generations so i used to take my kids out every single friday we would and i would call it shabbos island we drove up to seventh avenue there's this big island i said it's shabbos island i decided it was shabbos island and we said he sat there and they told him a story then we took the car to the mikvah we took the car to a car wash my old astro which leaked from all sides so that was that they took showers oh so and that's besides when the kid opened the door in the middle of the car wash but it was a thing we did every single friday and the kids used to look forward to it and um they'll talk about it today they'll they don't take their kids for car washes i don't know but they'll talk about it today i i i really think that there are times i remember calamari we went to uh we go to the train museum there's a train museum in downtown brooklyn and i once took all my in the club there and on each car and they have like this old train and each they have a train from the 1800s subways earlier than i went to the subways first started the earlier subway trains to the next one then there's one long train it's a nice thing and i would go and it's very interesting i could only go up till the 1900s because that's when you can't see the advertisements anymore before that you were able to see the advertisements and on each car we sat down and i told them a story about a train in that timed kufa that we did and they came like the the the people that managed the station they were taking uh they were taking videos we used to be cool videos in those days i try to be original try is there a time just take doesn't have to be exotic vacations you don't have to go to switzerland you don't have to climb mount everest just do something with them do something with them the other suburbs are fascinating it doesn't help the girls so much let the mother do something with it with the child but obviously bottom has to be other subunit i had a kid that wants somebody that tears in his eyes he says my father my father doesn't even know he doesn't have time for me and i said what what does that mean your father i know your father takes you over said one of my i say stories but obviously buttons i see him there so he says his phone is busy with his phone that's about four smartphones someone said something to the father he said how can my kid say that he says i never ever pick up the phone never ever pick up the phone during uh during during the office abandon so the kid says to me afterwards he doesn't pick up the phone but every time he rings he goes yeah okay so what does rashi say yeah yeah so what's wrong she said uh okay yes what does the kumar say what i would learn in commerce oh yes so what what does the positive say just close the world focus on this child this is your only child this is your only child just doesn't need a lot of time needs two seconds it needs a minute and and i think you can pick it up from there yes we have some live questions let's jump into it uh oh okay don't be scared this is called thank you so much my pleasure i'm rabbi i wanted to know about children that are away from home in yeshiva as far as connecting with them so it's very very important to speak to them because you want to pick up if something is going wrong but whenever my kids were away there always were set times that they would call these kids were natsu oil they knew they had to call every thursday every friday and i made it my business to pick up that call it didn't make a difference whatever it was and if not i called him right back and it wasn't so easy then but it's very not too much not too much there's no reason your son has to call you every ten minutes let you know what's doing what i mean i did find my shoes didn't find my shoes um there has to be that point of independence but i think once a week or uh twice a week at set given times very very important that they uh that they check in and then also that you have some connection with some mushy over there in in in some way even when my kids went there to seoul which is a whole different parasha i i i was now these shiva's kind of have it built in but sometimes i hired a young man namaste uh he was my contact guy he gave him a couple of dollars a month and i said to him what's doing but sure there has to be some type of hands-on and at the same time you have to like relinquish control it's tricky but life is tricky okay let's go to the next live one okay you're on hi okay so i have a question um first of all as a mother of a large family of different ages how does one connect to each child on a more meaningful level not just noticing the child but like to really really connect on a deeper level right also how do we create a culture of connecting us all together as far as like siblings being connected to one another and just like having the family work as a team right right so jeremy swazilante once said that when a kid cries about his uh little paper boat that that's the same as the big multi-billionaire that's crying about his ocean wire ocean liner clapper schmeichel it's all the same thing i think the way to connect to a child is to put yourself into the shoes of the child um don't don't you know there's a there's this martial i once heard it it's a great story where somebody uh the teller working in a bank goes over to the officer and says uh can i talk to you for a minute and the officer sitting by the desk says i am missing 35 000 i'm being ordered right now i don't want to hear about your problems over there go back behind the cage okay and this officer says i'm missing this 35 000 something doesn't and he calls the branch manager and the branch manager just got a call that who knows that the entire bank is under investigation he says i'm missing and the branch manager says i don't want to hear your problems now okay goodbye do you remember what i'm going through and the branch manager is really in trouble the bank is under investigations he's calling the president of the branch we know the president of the branch just find out just found out that he has to you know have much light to puerto rico and he says don't bother me now i don't want to hear your knowledge you know what i'm going through that's right so really everyone's problem from the the the little kid that cannot find his socks that's crying to president trump not trying to prove to the people in georgia that he really won the election clappers my galleon's all the same when you're talking to someone you have to put your put yourself into the heart of that problem and when a little kid comes and cries and says you know that that the bati's too cold or the bat is too hard he doesn't have his pillow it doesn't have his blanket and our natural reaction is i wish that was my problem right i think just to just to have a feel for it to really feel i i wish you had the blanket i wish i wish let me see what we could do you know what let mommy be your blanket come come here and then you have to continue to do that on every single age level so you're going to say how do i i'm not so multi-talented i can't multi-task to understand the two-year-old's needs and the five-year-old needs in the 10 year old needs and the answer is read the child follow the child the child is telling you what's bothering him he may or may not be justified you validate the child's feeling and try to work with it but i think just to feel to feel the child and not to negate and say that's what you're worried about i think once there's a certain connection then there's where it is how to get families to work as a team is the trillion dollar question um you can try and try it doesn't always work i think it's yes spending time with them um doing joint projects i think also um working together in other words discussing in a good way or a healer it's not in a negative way but in a positive way um talking to one child about the other child you know esther seems so sad akhani seems so sad moishi seems to say why what can we do about it like try to make the other children part of the solution of the other child and slowly i think that there's a little bit of emerge that begins to happen um that we could try that we hope can try and so on this question was actually submitted i know the person they have quads but let's just talk about people without quads people that have twins which is you know it's some people are very close in age also when it comes to twins or more does rabbit shackle recommend that they not be in the same class if they're ever a time when there's been beneficial to keep siblings together and okay so that's question a part b the question is when when there is no option to split them up in a class any other ideas you can give right conventional reasoning is that they should not be in the same class that's not always easy particularly if a mystery has an out of class and a baseline and both kids are alive so of course all your kids are alice but both kids are different kinds of alice and or both or one is not on the same level it doesn't always work out um sometimes it may be an idea to have them in in different schools i have had both have had twins over the years one 101 class one of the other classes was kind of a competition it was almost fun and before purim if there were identical twins yes we arre i arranged before them they said switch classes see it was always good for me to suggest it before they do it on their own it's always good and then i've had twins together in the same classes it was not the end of the world it's really not the end of the world um it's it's it's just very important as it is with all kids not to play one kid over the other never compliment the kid in front of the other kid and never try to compare and say why can't you be like ahri tell me that it's not gonna work it's not gonna work he's not gonna be like ahri it's not good for ari it's not good for the kid that you're talking to the problem starts when one is tucker better than the other and it's they see it they feel it right right so it is what it is and the parent has to make it very clear that you know in the college doesn't count how many pages we learn it counts how many hours ashley mishabalakan fortune is the person that comes up here they tell me this talmud is in his hands what does it mean in his name i remember once when i was in a camp i was an assistant learning director there was this kid that was like he's going nuts he was turning over tables he was just grabbing him and i brought him to the manal and he said that's one shot of it tell me they'll be all day okay but um to me the other means that we're judged by by how much we're trying and you have to say that a trillion times over and if you're sitting by the table and a konami don't let one kid get up and say excited to see this and ruby they're gonna have the other one uh you know huh what could you do be careful even if that's not what you're doing it's it's it's very very important and um to explain to a child kid has a better head a kid as a shrug still judges us and what we're trying and i'm also judging you for what you're trying and don't hang up as hundreds don't you don't have to people come into the places that the hundreds are hung up all over the room right the two dice are hung up all over the room that's very good if it doesn't represent a problem for a different kid it's not worth it's not worth hanging up one kid's hundred at the pain of a different kid then acknowledge that hundred and kiss the kid on the forehead not in the presence of the other kid it's something you have to be constantly aware of i remember i had a kid in the eighth grade it was he's a kid it wasn't the moral was very hard for him and uh i had this program he said over zlatari by the sandra but a shabbos table he couldn't get it so once i said to him you know what i want to tell your father a story what did you say the story and the father came in screaming he goes a story my daisyako girls are saying over rambanza and cleocards and my son says a story and i said you said that by the shabbos table of course i cited him that's why you bring me a story i said yeah tell you one story that's gonna happen now you could have just killed your son don't don't compare children don't and one is better one is the other but then they fit for sure there's more of a reason they should not be in the same place or even in the same yeshiva but again praise the good one but only not when the other one is there and emphasize to the other one that you you know it's amazing how much you're trying i'll i'll tell you if you look at the successes in life i always say it when it comes to shidduchim i say it as well not the kids that got the hundreds that became the big successes not the kids that got the 50s that were the failures the kids that had a good attitude trying they're the ones that had the challenge they're the ones that raised successful families and that's really what i think you can convey that you can try to give it over an email just came in i'll read it if you want to answer it we are parents supposed to internalize the concept how can we deal with schools who have a strict policy and siblings they need to perform to attend the same school as their siblings right yeah a school has to do what they have to do and uh parents do what they have to this is a constant problem it's a cancer problem i'll give you a muscle i'm not talking about specific schools okay but you have a you have a a sifter which is always a problem boys getting into massive this is huge it's a huge problem and i want to go that should be a separate share tonight i don't want to go there because that's a hot button but it's really tough an 8th grader that's a good kid you know there's no your shaman issues not learning has trouble getting into massive that that's it's it's a huge uh threshold he has to get over life to go on but put yourself from a yeshiva's position and the parent comes in to you and says listen my kid is a schwa i want you to take him and we say i'm sorry he's not for us and he cries and begs and the mother starts crying and the principal feels really bad and says fine i'll take it and you take him and you work with him and you you work extra hard with him and then the next kid is a super mid-seen but the parent's not going to send that kid here right because he can get a better issue for that how does the issue feel under the circumstances on the other hand a parent says look i have to do what's best for my kid i got my kid into the shiva that was best for him and i got the second kid so the the yeshiva's interests and the parents interests are not necessarily the same it doesn't mean that either of them are wrong and of course the has to care ultimately for the kid the shiva also has to survive i think a parent that's do what's best for their kid a parent has to what what's best for their kid but uh it you know then you have to sit down and make a husband do you sacrifice one kid for another right do i send my real good kid to to a daisy sheep instead of an olive issue because i have to get my gimbal kit into the basic shield that's a question for a rav i don't know don't know what the answer is i don't know what the answer is okay let's go to another live question we're getting a lot of questions and let's try to go through them okay she's um yeah hi how are you first of all i just wanted to say thank you all you grew up on your cities and we love them all nice guys okay thank you very much yeah um okay i have three little kids at home so it's it's different i guess different youtubers i have loads of knackers from all of them i mean i mean thank you so hannah from right like each kid has their own sneeze and then sometimes one kid needs like a lighter hand or you know once it meets the strict needs they're more rigid than another that can cause jealousy a little bit right right another kid getting away with something more than someone else so it's a karzatista sometimes kids understand that one kid has to get away with it a little bit more than the other one i i i sometimes in class right you have a kid that can't sit can't sit he just can't sit he can't and he plants us out and you have to give him more leeway and people say well how can i give him more leave what are the other kids are going to say kids after a while are very smart they understand that this kid needs a little bit more leeway as long as you can explain to a child and mommy's doing her best with each and every one of you but it's not fear how come rivky doesn't have to griffy has different things that you have to sometimes the kid can expl understand it sometimes a kid can't um he's left to give give every kid what he need what they need you can try not to do it in front of the kid you can but there are times it becomes totally uh comes totally impossible and uh i think what you could do for the kid is listen let me tell you what i do is special for you that rifky doesn't have okay but every kid gets something a little bit special in this house so you tell me what would you like special and and try to compensate along those lines along those feelings but again that's that's that doesn't give us you know because not do copy and paste when he sends us kids he sends us he sends us different shambles that mean completely different things in their life and in in the world and because if two kids were exactly the same because he doesn't make spare tires none of us are the same siren says there are no two people in this world that could do the same thing that do exactly you can do something that nobody else in the world can it's a nice thing to say to kids you can do something that nobody else in the world can how do i know that because you're here because not create spare tires it doesn't create spirit things that are extra but yeah it's tough and sometimes you have to you know there's the darker and whoever said also knew that we're going to have more than one shot i guess there's a way to do it somebody send it a question also now what happens when you have the uncontrolled unconsolable child it means no matter how much tension you give then how much time you give them they just feel it's like it's like it's like a pit that doesn't fill right so one point you just have to make up i'm gonna do this is what i find i have i'm talking about in terms of in in the classroom and also sometimes at home for children again if the child is going through a particularly difficult experience for whatever reason you may have to give it some children are cling to you they demand more and more time just set your watch and make up in your mind how much time you're going to give to that kid and stick to it and afterwards say mommy as he now he has to take care of something else now or else you're going to fall apart there has to be a limit how much you can do but i think set your watch before and say i'm giving this kid 15 minutes i'm giving this kid 20 minutes i'm giving this kid 10 minutes set said it beforehand you know people call you sometimes set this is this is what i'm going to do i think that if you make up and you yeah and don't get frustrated when the kid says you know it's not fair you never even talk to me he just spent an hour talking to the kid in his mind you you didn't reach that they could have yet don't be angry at the kid that's what the kid feels like but if you made up in your mind that you're giving the kid 45 minutes they stick to those 45 minutes stick to it don't worry so much about what he says do what you have to do yes the next question is a little bit of financial question but it's a big realness a question we got a few finances all right came to the right person yes how do you juggle impossible finances in a large family who are making a good salary even sometimes i was talking i went to language i just once told somebody said i want to hear your das tyres said i don't have dan's toy right he says do you have that boss i me check my checking account no i don't go ahead yes i have a lot for people have large buckles even you know not super large responses but even one one one spouse working sometimes even both and they're just not making it what type of physical what's the concept like when somebody like we said a little bit before we touched on it a person was nervous to have more kids you know it's so expensive tuition's this okay so the issue of having more kids um again i don't want to go there because that's a question for rob and you have to have a rub you have to have a masjid you have to have a rashi but you have to have a a mashpir and if you say you can't just find one of the yellow pages by the way you have to set yourself up culturally where you have one um think where you darvin you're not going to show what i i've seen kids over 30 years in the eighth grade i could tell where they're down i could tell if they dabbing in a show where there's a rov that the rub is a rough or that you know when it rains they dominate one shoe and when it's when it's when it's uh you know when the cochlea is there then they're definitely showing if you wake up no you're never here it's you set yourself up in a situation where you have someone to ask but this is just general of course it doesn't apply to individuals and by the way the most serious childhood that rav is going to get from you is going to be at what point right how large should my family be but that's that's the shine about physically unlockingly that you have to deal you have to deal with it and you have to be realistic on all fronts it's not a question you can ask on the telephone it's it's you you have to sit down face to face and have that answer in terms of finances so the stiper writes that he says look at those people that have one kid they're struggling i you know i i really i travel around and i could see well we only have two children we can't even pay their tuition so how could how could you you know we're not making it how do you manage with 14 kids well if you're not making it anyway you may as well have the 14 right it it you need seattle ishmael for everything this is my for the one you need to destroy for the two you need to see when i look back at how i did it during difficult times um financial times i have no clue i have no clue but you have to prioritize what's important to you what's not so another bunch of gives us the same thing and it's it's it's there yes i want to take a different logically we discussed till now how to give every kid what they need and give them time sometimes especially with big families sometimes it could be really overwhelming and um stressful we're taking care and sometimes the spouses are not on the same page and each kid there's so much going on there's a lot of stress so what is the key to staying sane and being loving and attentive in terms of parents and spouse when sometimes it can be very overwhelming right i i i think that every parent has to make themselves time where they're taking a break it could be 10 minutes a day going you know have your your time you're not it's a good idea for anybody to do okay and i'll show her three jobs and put it running to get my kids on the bus and off the bus just schedule into your day as busy as you are just like you have to make the dentist appointment you have to make this appointment you have to make a doctor's appointment you have to do this you have to have to get to your boss i have to have 15 minutes a day that i walk into a room and i close the door and i close my phone and i sit down i sip a coffee and i read something and take a deep breath it really changes it doesn't have to be again you don't necessarily have to fly off to florida or to the swiss alps you can do it in your own bedroom you can do it in your own house but plan into the day just a moment of kirby let's continue with me let me just just just think take a deep breath and remembering yeshiva two buckram talking one of them said to the other look how do you know there's a bunch of around the world and this boy said i just spoke to him what do you mean how do i know there's this right here just just take a few moments and really take a break you need five minutes of quiet and spouses have to try to understand that and again that's another you know tough topic but um over the years i've spoken to kids you have no idea what it does to a kid when the father and mother are screaming at each other or not respecting each other and it the the kid thinks the worst right away he thinks that uh because he knows somebody else you know their family break up the kid goes through nightmares it is probably the most destabilizing factor in a child's life if he sees a lack of respect between the the father and the mother and if the husband says my wife screams she screams she yells all the time and she has to stop yelling would you stop yelling you don't scream at your wife you should stop yelling in front of the kids and the same is true for the wife to the husband or whatever the case may be it has to be in front of the children there has to be nothing but mutual respect and sometimes the person feels about what my wife is doing to the kid i have to defend the kid you have to be a little bit late you have to deal with it privately not not in front of the kid don't take the side of the salon kids that are ping pong balls in a shallow bay situation where their parents are separate i'm not even getting there but i'm talking about where the parents are together and and you know you wanna and sometimes we have a yate sahara i think men have this more than women sometimes trying to win over the kid trying to win over the kid the kid wants something the kid wants something and the mother says no you can't have it and the father says i'll cut it for you you know you know you're not accomplishing anything you can discuss it with your wife you can make a mental note that in a week from now you're going to buy your son something to try to make up maybe for what you think your wife wasn't justified or the other way around but don't do it right there and then because you're doing much more damage to the child than than than you're doing as as pressurized as things get there has to be a sense of mutual of of mutual respect you know that the man that came to the stiper and said what should i do my wife she because she can't manage i can't manage i can't take it i don't know where to turn to so the sniper said turn to the broom closet and take out a broom i don't know where to turn to uh it's it's it's true on many many different levels disciple does not need my huskanda by the way it's true on many many different levels um if if it's pressurized at home and you feel that your spouse is not handling it correctly take that on privately with your spouse but in front of the kids as much as much as it's possible every you know cow is a hurtsman a clown as a parent that does something so crazy you have to stop it i'm not saying but generally speaking that this mutual respect between parents and even if your spouse said something to you well my spouse started you know what my spouse said to me you can't handle this when you stop screaming or yelling so what are you oh i'm screaming yelling what are you right normally starts going back and then you start doing hazard so shear from all the things that your spouse did wrong from the echo room not in front of the kids not in front of the kids take the punch it's the biggest mysterious leverage that you could have for your child and when you see that a spouse is talking in a difficult situation is not handling it so come back and handle it somebody wants that i'm just using the muscle from husband and wife wife husband can be either way you know my wife she can't handle it i could handle problems i could handle anything my wife cannot handle she go crazy and every single day she starts screaming i said you could handle everything yes why can't you handle your wife so you can't handle everything right you just said you can handle everything so learn how to handle it learn how to calm her down and sometimes that same wife will come and say the same thing about her husband that was his perception of it but uh this nakuda for for children that the shaman dies for children is just beyond imagination the story that i said a lot the uh somebody once came home in romania heard the story from the old scholander rebbe zeiker that a man came and said he came home he saw his wife saying krishnamita with the children she went like this i see i don't think barclays negan was around then remaining but whatever she used the kyle stop she said stop and then she went like this ra yavaresha no harim should affect my ch my mother said it with me this way and now he understands right you know so they went they went there we came into the red and he was he she doesn't stop he's gonna divorce her and she's screaming no my mother said it this way he's moving me and the and the old scholar said to her mama continue saying continue saying right you've already seen her so she walked there she goes see that's how you're supposed to say it that's not what the represent she walks out and he goes whatever you know you want to make charlotte dice that's one thing not an expense of my children my wife should curse my children i say raj vargas the rabbi said no no i really miss you she should say raggy baraka because the gemara says when a person comes home i'm sure friday night who can accompany him a good mother and if the if there's uh if the house is screaming and yelling and you're coming how many times do i say this table supposed to be said for shabbos where are those cowards right that's how you come in everyone's screaming and yelling says he wrote and if you come in and there's a house that's showing friday night especially if there's mysteriousness rashawn arizona says that's murder then the good mother says he wrote hashem helped next week as well and the bad malware has to answer on me let's get into more detailed questions over here some more crisis questions all right so raj varakazanaram you know what i mean even the you should have the kind of house but even the bad model has the answer has to answer i mean yes okay until now that we're okay now we're getting to the real question as you're saying i just thought it would hurt probably yeah so somebody asked him once he only had a few kids and he didn't want to have more kids he said it's not based on how many kids you could have one kid and have the same peculiar tsar you could have ten kids it's the vodka right right right yeah goodbye very good yes yes my son is 20 years old he came back from an out of the country of shiva before kovitz since he returned he's been unmotivated sleeps till 1pm chutzpadik but he's really a great boy how can i just two questions how could i has the father point of view and the mother point of view help him and get him back on track to his old happy functioning self ah there's a vaccine what's the problem though not as simple as that right like me um a lot of kids i'm gonna globalize the question a lot of kids the covered whether they're in yeshiva they're out of town they came back it shook up their stability and shook up you know for months so now they can't now they're like out of it and they're not they're not back into that groove so father going to be what we do for your son and another point of view it's a huge huge problem and once kids have seen that they can be out of issues that weren't doing very well in shiva we're struggling in achieving it so that you can go a couple of months without being in yeshiva to push them back into a system was behavior to them is is a huge problem i don't want to in any way under undervalue uh what the problem is um it's very interesting i i i noticed by us in yeshiva when the rebbies were teaching on the phone so for some kids it was disaster yet there were some kids that didn't do well in class and did much better on the phone the kids that couldn't sit the kids that weren't that that you always had discipline issues because it doesn't work for them to sit five hours in the classroom the fact that they could walk back and forth and listen on the phone help them a lot so the mushroom has this plan so does covet took a big takes a big toll on all of us in ways that we you know we can't possibly understand and we have to realize kova did not take a college barclay by surprise it's part of the plan of the world and we have to just we know that the demise knows what he's doing in terms of that teenager that doesn't want to get up in the morning okay so i once heard a question and an answer with our stairman the godzilla and a father said to his uh the father asked this question he says he wants to die with a seaken and escalators want to get up the seeker what you do because you have a humble secret why are you slapping your butt and get up to seek and when what right do you have to put your humra on him so he says let him go down at nine o'clock he says yeah but who's there to watch him by davening then so stamen says so you dive in the sea can finish the opening and i mean instead of going home to go to sleep then go now go sit with your buffer at nine o'clock and watch them down that knows you continue on but there's one thing your statement says i think is extremely important you saw it especially as it relates to your question um he says doesn't want to wake up for his mind krishna what's my christ so rash damon said wake him up and say it says mankind says 10 minutes and if he doesn't wake up if he doesn't wake up leave him alone i'm not saying your same and said that you did you did your christ but he's not waking up it says so turn over the mattress scream and yell at him you may get him to say krishna today he may not say krishna for the next 20 years so obviously you know if the kid is in a rut it happens deal gently gently give a nod pull back gently give a nod pull back don't you you cannot take him and force him back into the into the situation yes rebucher yeah i'm going to take i'll do one more question then i have a bunch of live ones also let's get to it yeah we asked the question the they have married children and they have still single children how do i balance the needs of the married kids and the needs of the single kids and throw up and throw a swear and schwinger and grandparents right in the club right right right right right uh again the vice you know does it um you'll notice sometimes when you have your younger children are there and they feel the married children come home for showers and they become the you know automatic babysitters and they become the automatic things say you say to them look you know they were growing up with six kids and they had seven kids in the house or five kids in one room and you're growing up with one getting a room and a bunch of gives and thanks and he knows exactly he knows exactly where we are um married children need uh parental attention up until a certain point too much you're destroying their marriages too little you're leaving them high and dry you need a lot of seattle ishmael to know until when that your ear is there for them and you're there um i i think part of it is with the kids at home is sit down with them and say um you know uh schlammy and his wife want to come for shabbos rifki and his and her husband want to come for shabbos kaiyama just picking names out of the hat they're kind of disgusting with the younger kids where can we put them make them part of the planning so they don't feel like uh more or less that they're they're out of it discuss with them you know what do you think about the dress that this anika was wearing i think bring bring your kids into the fold a little bit and make it kind of uh make a kind of part of them but uh technically speaking i guess how logically your horizons your kids that are your kids are at home and the same do it the same way as well sometimes you can go to the married kids and say you know what do you think the the right school is for uh for so and so it's also just trying to make everyone try to keep the umbrella over the entire family somehow a little bit i guess okay next live question bro i wanted to ask ralph schachter please um what is the role of grandparents who want to be involved in the lives of their grandchildren but they still want to respect the boundaries of their children right right so my uh but where the mosquitoes are he always says to the grandparent hashem should help you to help just the right amount because it's an excellent question it's really really an excellent question grandparents should be there for fanachas i don't think grandparents should be there for discipline again there are exceptions to every rule depending on what the situations are sometimes the grandparent has to step in and be the parent but we hope that that's not the case the grandparents should be the finagas grandparents should be there it's good for kids to say well you know cause the idea tell them you got you know your rebbe said that today wow we didn't have to throw you out or you really got to hurt your other test whatever the positive thing is um the role for grandparents is to take an interest and the role of grandparents is to be extremely extremely careful uh when it comes to guidance it's very very difficult for a um daughter or daughter-in-law son or son-in-law to take guidance on unless they come to ask you what to do otherwise usually it backfires and even though your feeling is oh yeah yeah yeah i can't believe what they're doing i can't believe what they're doing i can't believe how they're handling hayamola masala and it just just it usually doesn't help i i know again every clown has an exception to the rule and there are times that grandpa has to intervene by all means be there for support the role of the grandparents is to share nachas role of the grandparents is to be the support be there for hanukkah presence and let the parent know that you know just i'm willing to help tell me what i can do to help out and sometimes when when the more you say the more the child gets the feeling that the grandparent is there to help out as opposed to instruct it gives you an opportunity to really give meaningful advice but you have to come from that angle that's it i think what should someone do if their husband is not well and this is a question my husband is not well and my kids don't really know the severity of the situation one of my boys shut down and doesn't talk much he has no interest in anything at home or in school you know i'm i'm trying to get him to talk but he doesn't talk what's a for such a child right they said they they just love people yeah um this is a big question how much do children know about the medical situation of a parent or the threat to a parent um i can tell you that i've heard from grown-ups that are deep in pain that they didn't know what was going on with their parent even though it was well well intended that they should be sheltered from the up and down of the tower but they felt like all of a sudden when the worst news hit them they weren't ready for it i i again you need a love you need guidance i'm not saying you have to share every little up and down with the child but i think that generally you have to spend it as positively as possible they also have to be realistic with the child those have to be kids can handle a lot more they can't handle being kept in the dark and they don't know if they have to leave it up to their own imagination what's going to happen and that's a lot worse to be open with the child is the situation you can make it a little better than it is and if you make it a little better because the champions will be better but uh there has to be it's not good to keep kids totally in the dark i think that then they're left with their imagination their imagination but you know tell them share with them stories of you know that there's a difficult situation with tati but you know so-and-so had the same thing about hashem he recovered and so and so had he recovered and don't don't unless you have rukha kai dish you know for sure it's that way be hopeful be hopeful be hopeful and and constant the message just be a message of hope but on the other hand has to be a sense of we have to dive in together kids should also not feel that it's his responsibility you know there should be a source for tati to get better because mommy to get better than the kid feels oh it didn't work out i must have not done good enough be careful over there kids shouldn't fall into that thing and say that uh you know let's try to do things i i don't know if the children are the ones to do things in the schools of their parents that's what everyone else should do child should be positive the child should try to be good let's try to give tati nachas and that alone is going to bring a better official language so to be generally positive even more positive perhaps than the reality is but not to keep kids totally in dark should we push the child to therapy of course of course that's the child the kids need to talk but uh they have to find the right therapist also right um not every kid matches up with every therapist that's the way it is the therapist could be a fantastic fantastic therapist but this whatever it is it could be it could be that just the kid at that moment wasn't ready for therapy but uh for sure kid should have someone to talk to these kids should have some of the a lot of good organizations out there that are doing a lot now a lot of focus on siblings of uh i don't want to stop mentioning organizations on this side and others but there's a lot of organizations out there that are giving time for siblings of children that aren't well because they sometimes get uh i don't use the word neglected but it's just uh it's a card satish that's a short tablecloth you know the parents can only do so much but uh yeah to get a child to open up is extremely important and the other hand to represent this privacy to tell them i want you to talk and express your feelings when you're ready when you're ready don't don't force them to what do you tell a kid that knows how to find an answer for why he's always right talented smart kid he's not told but he's constantly right i remember i had a kid in my class and i said to him you always have to get the last word right he said it's not true and the kids were laughing they said any conversation unless you get the last word it's not good right no no it's not true you always make up things about me and the kids were laughing it didn't hap what the kids were laughing about um the kid thinks he's always right okay so tell him you know what i know you think you're right but uh and and could be al in what you see over here you think you're right because i'm older than you and i saw more than you so i can tell you you're right for now give him give him validate his feelings but in the long term it's not going to be good for you so you're going to have to trust me it may or may not work the first time but they keep hammering on it and i think eventually it it it'll happen don't argue with you don't lower yourself to the ground no you're wrong no you're wrong why are you saying you're right that's not going to work you're right your attacker right but but but i know more things than you do i've been around longer than you are that's that's that that's the angle i would say thank you okay we have a chapter yes the person asked about tits but i want to ask some more global questions what to do when you have uh older bachelor 15 16 70 years old and you see them not wearing tits you see them missing filling you see them being in mitzvahs what should be the proper approach concept for the parent right um [Music] it's really a double it it depends if there are other kids in in the house and you're scared that's going to have a relationship among the other kids that's always difficult that creates a very very serious problem the issue of kids at risks staying at home not staying at home but you're going before that you're going with the kid missed the day of time okay so i'll tell you what not to do don't say you didn't put on film yesterday i know it you don't always have to see everything you have to acknowledge you didn't have math last night no i did don't i can prove to you you didn't what are you accomplishing why do you want to be right and when you prove to the kid that he didn't have a matter so he established the precedent that he didn't have marriage if he thinks that you think that he doubted marv so at least now he knows he's not gonna he's gonna try to not put himself in a situation where he clearly doesn't happen um you don't have to see everything kids are entitled to ups and downs and you have to kind of guide them through it where it is slowly um tell them look you know i i've had it sometimes with parents and i say look explain to the kid as much as this hurts me to say but i'm going to say i understand you the midst of children and it's absolutely really two separate myths we put on our tumor when we die then but if you weren't up to date yet just you even if you put on your film for five seconds you go to the midst of filling and try to pick them up from the try to stress the positive aspect of it and pick it up from there and lift it up i want to put a little twist on the question because if people are texting me what happens when it's more of a titus issue but it's a sensory issue they can't resist because they're super sensitive and they just stopped wearing it the three four people texting sensitive to what sensitive to work the way it feels what about a sensory kid who just can't tolerate you can't tolerate wearing scissors it's not a kefir thing they just can't tolerate it right so how's about if you go with him to the store and say you pick your pair of scissors which one so we'll mark with three woolen stitches okay you know what we're cotton scissors want to wear your woolen sits over your shirt how's that uh maybe that's easier work with the child validate the child's feelings and explain explain the situation really it says say that if you have valid compass you have to which it says but technically speaking if you don't have dollar companies you don't have to wear scissors but but since this is a smearer why why would we not want to walk out without our bulletproof vest why would you want to walk out without being protected in a roughly stick away and when i cut this but i would say it to my kids and they love it when i use this muscle because and you don't want to you don't want to use shoulders muscles to kids but like you know you know sometimes you'll come home and you'll say ma ma is it okay if i come home late oh yeah man is it okay they don't take out the garbage yeah it's okay and then one day you walk in and you blotched up the whole floor with the mud from outside and you say no garbage know this know that look what you did right sorry is that screaming too loud he says right also your mother is angry and all those things that you did um because barclay really technically tells us we don't have to where it's it says unless we have double confidence but when he's angry at us the gemara says during we get hit for sisters also um you know it's it's it's a smear on us that's all i want you to have that shmir i would hate for you to go out without that shamira deal with it slowly don't force it don't force this this is on him it's not gonna work yes my almost five-year-old son is very aggressive and hyper he's hitting a lot and just really tests tries i have him in occupational therapy so i can learn how to raise him without destroying him by patching and by touching him or screaming i try to stay calm but it literally doesn't stop any words of a device please golden advice yes so if you think i can pull something out of my drawer and wave it and say ah your kid's gonna turn into a little malwa he's gonna get wings and fly over no but i will tell you when i started teaching i had a difficult time and someone gave me a great book it's called the broken record have you ever heard of it i'll tell you the quick i won't read you the whole book okay i want to create two scenarios when you speak to a kid try to try to follow through on this and it'll be a little graphic and in a good way don't worry um slime me go to sleep please i said go to sleep did you say no did you say no to mommy did you say no i said go to sleep right now if you don't go to sleep right now i am telling you and here it comes there's a rule when it comes to henna this ain't once you give out a threat you have to hold the threat so be careful what the threat is don't tell the kid you're not going to have stop over the next 30 years because you're not going to keep that threat okay you will not go to slaughter don't threaten don't threaten okay kids it's something you can't forget but i want i want you to play out the scenario i'm gonna do it not with a parent but with a rebbe in the classroom yaakov woke up walk out please jakov walk out please no you said no to a rebbe yeah i said no to a rebbe yeah yeah you know something my father is part of the board of directors and he wants he can have you thrown out of this yeshiva what get out of this room right now so who won who lost this fight kid want rebbe lost big time how do i know the rebbe lost well first of all the kid's still in the room second of all if you wonder who's winning an argument look to see who the volume of whose voice is getting higher and higher watch this walk out of the room no you can't tell me what to do while kids are going i could walk out of the room no no i'm not going yeah no i'm not going to do i didn't do anything there's no reason i have to walk out of the room no please no it's not me he walks out how come there everyone now whose voice was getting higher children are very quick to feel who's in control if you are stunned by the hoods of your kid your kid knows that and will build on that you you have to keep the volume flat keep the volume flat eventually the kid is going to give in and walk out most of the time when the kid gets hurts but he doesn't stop it starts slapping you you slap him you're going to be in trouble you he's sensing your frustration and the kid is getting what he wants he's getting the attention from his mother that he wants he's getting what he needs get it's it's easy take the emotion out of it you're a robot no no no no you can't slap him no if you slap him if you slap him you're gonna go to your room if you slam him you're going to go to your room okay now go to your room [Music] you're going to see once the kid starts getting louder then you're in control i think that's a little bit of an answer also if you want to tell kids what to do you would tell kids to go to sleep i've always found it with my kids don't come in a second stop playing go to sleep that's that's tough okay i'll give you another 10 minutes okay he really he's starting to process within 10 minutes after five minutes five more minutes okay time is up okay another two minutes but that's it most of the time i found the kids will go give them time to process the the response i think that that also could be very helpful yes okay we have so many more questions i'm gonna try to try to comprehend this okay the live won't be in a second um we touched on that a little bit but it's a little bit more detailed the questions i think it's important i have two boys very close in age they're 13 months apart the older one is my oldest and he's a weaker student educationally and socially is much more quiet the one right under him is smarter has more friends how do we give the younger son what he needs without making the older one feel bad or left out when he's out with his friend spend time with him which i tell you you're going to sense you're just don't show you're giving the younger one more attention than the older one and when the when the younger one comes up with a cute line don't burst out laughing let's laugh adjust think that whatever your reaction is to the younger one the other one is is is following through and uh i i you know you don't have to tell i love you as much as i love your older brother younger brother it's not going to work just give them the time give them the time give them the take them seriously give them the space give them what they need and eventually they'll feel that they think that they're getting the proper mental love from you okay we have a bunch of live questions let's start going through some of them yes hi um okay i also have three um little children and the oldest they're also very close together loads of nachos yes i mean thank you um the oldest one is very competitive always wants to be in charge likes to be the mommy always when they play wants to give everything out and the next one gets very jealous of that right um so you can try to come into the game i don't know and uh say can i play along with you can i be the mommy now sometimes do that can i be the mommy now and let's say your youngest one is shira uh yeah sure is your name okay your youngest one is uh devorah and your older one is okay kendavora can you be mommy's helper try to play the game a little bit join them um will that help my older one be less competitive try like i say try it's the nature of a child and again children grow up with competitive older brothers or sisters that's part of it it's very hard to change the nature of a child but uh try to work with it and try try to join them i used to do that sometimes with my kids and a lot of times it helped i think a lot of times okay thanks yes we have a child that is in and out of the hospital it's really and it's affecting the functionality of a family i know that it's um it's not applicable to everyone bar hashem but do you have any advice on how we can keep a balance of calm in our home unfortunately it's in a sign that uh you know i want to say too many people have because advanced from those obviously what he's doing and again getting back to what i said to try to maintain some type of a connection you may want to sometimes you don't want to let in an uncle or a niece to help out because if you want to be independent so you don't want somebody else in your kitchen which they understand very well but if there's a need for it allow it there's nothing wrong with taking with with allowing other family members to help sometimes we build a wall around ourselves and we say it's not worth it you know what i mean for every favor i get for my family i have to pay back 10 times the brisker officer once said the cheapest way to go from one place to the other is to pay a taxi because someone drives you you know there's no internet what you're gonna have to pay for it but but again it's the reality of the situation i think also even from the hospital if you call home it's like okay and say goodnight to each of the kids i think that makes a big difference um some connection to them or father learns over the phone from the hospital to with the kid for five minutes just that there should be a connection that can make a world of difference i think for a lot of kids it's a lot more complicated than that i know but um little things we start with little things neighbors should give us we want to do something to generate this yet we have another live one hi thank you um my question is about the relationship with your child but specifically about bedtime that um i've been trying to give my kids like 10 to 15 minutes before each one before bed it just takes very long and it's incredibly draining but i see no matter i shouldn't say no matter how much but spending the time during the day is just not the same and they really crave it it's not a fight it's not a challenge if i don't do it at night but i see it's just not the same for the relationship right there's something about going to sleep with a loving parent you know what i mean that can't be replaced with anything else what about the child that doesn't have it again we don't run the world of advice around the world but if it's taking too much time to cut it down to five minutes or ten minutes but just make sure you get each child in there with that creation whether it's the krishnamita whether it's a little story whether it's covering them it's the kiss on the forehead whatever it is the child that goes to sleep with that love it's a completely different world and you'll ask me your last mother you can feel it with the children you really can and then you're right you can't do it in the mornings i'm gonna rush today i'll do it i'll kiss you good night my breakfast it doesn't work this is the manchester gave us you know times diamond chakras and muslims and they gave us time to say creation and smile with our kids before they go to sleep this is an interesting question it actually came from a teenager yes my parents are divorced i'm being ripped and part of middle of the divorce my mother makes me crazy my father makes me crazy i should be by her i should be with him i'm i'm a teenager i'm having a very hard time with my situation can you please guide me on what to do with that right so obviously i don't think this is the venue for it but that you have to have someone to talk to you have to have someone to talk to and if you're the mother you're the father your child has to have someone to talk to you besides for the parent and as far as parents are concerned custody fights and and and divorces you know it says this bear cries by again and the reason is because the kids are the carbon um whatever you do the ambitions will help him if shalom bias is not an option don't make the kids the ping-pong ball in in the game it's not worth it it's not worth it don't try to buy out the kid because at the end of the day you're not going to buy him he's going to resent it he's going to resent it the the kid at the end of the day 99.99 at a time is the mother is a mother and a father as a father and you can't change that so it seems it's a biological reality it's part of a college parkour's plan and of course someone's going to say that well i can't my mother mother's a bad influence the father's a bad influence every case is different but the the animosity don't try to run it through the kids or try to win over the kids by bribing them it falls apart but here's the child asking the question and the child is you have to be strong enough to say this is going to be my life urbanism gave me this messiah okay to grow up in this kind of a house i am going to be one day a mother or a father and hopefully and i'm davening now to have shaolin bias and bezos maybe these experiences are going to help me help others but right now don't let yourself be a ping pong between your father and mother and tell your mother please i love my father and i love you and really don't make me the the bull in between what do you suggest for children that are constantly asking for things we do some earnings and we buy them sometimes but everywhere we go and every store we want they keep on wanting more and more and more yes there's a reason stores put the candy right the reason stores put the candies right on the aisle where the kids can reach it for from reach from it right every store will put the candies just where the kid can reach something on the carriage and say excuse me your kid is because they want the kid to do it right they want the kid to break the battle so you should have to pay for it that's part of the plan there should be i don't believe in giving kids things for nothing a shabbos party a birthday party whatever it is but you know you want to earn it um if if you earn it you do things on time there's a chart in the house you get it the child wants something and it's something that's reasonable then let them earn it let them earn it said that's what i want you to want whether it's three days that the rebbe doesn't call and say you were you were sent out to throwing spit balls or whether it's three days that you went to sleep on time let's let the kid earn it i don't think instant seeing get is not going to work because his appetite is just wetted and he wants more and more i think so okay the last question if anybody else wants the last live this is it this is the last question we'll go to closing river chester yes we have to go with sanchez so yes yes yes we covered so much ground tonight there's so many questions we did tonight the answers are so sharp and so there's nothing more to answer you say clark you know like there's nothing more to answer it's not the whole answer it's just again like i said the point is to get us thinking that's all that's it yes what to do when both my when both my husband and i have different ways to be mechanical our children we don't agree with each other for example a certain age to send a kid to show benching to be tough with them before them when the father and mother don't agree what's the math between the current deal with that well hello that should be the most the hell i must be the serious the point of the content okay that's it's good to have a rav it's good to have a thing and you know to say okay what are the guitar in here what are the guitar whatever the issue is between you and your husband or your husband and your wife have it out between yourselves not in front of the kid and i can tell you again like we said before don't challenge your wife your wife says okay you don't only have to bench lasagna and if the husband feels no he has to mention all three brothers don't say oh no just trust me trust me it's the interest of the kid this is just let him bench now to lazanus if you want to discuss it with your wife discuss it later not in not in front of the kid and understand that there are no there are no real answers when is the right time taking to show depends on which shule depends which kid and depends what the mood of the kid is there are no real answers and uh you know if you know sometimes for sean dies if you do things which you don't want to do that alone is the biggest seat in the shema there's the shamish yes yes yes yes yes yes you're on hi what do i do when one of my sons says i just learned in gemara in something or another that is not like you or the gemara brings uriah and what you're saying is wrong so take right so you could take you could have take out a yardage and show him he'll just keep it and it says you're not allowed to contradict your father first of all just well i just want to tell you something okay but i'm michael i don't mind because i don't mind that we're learning but i want you to know that i don't think that there's uh i think there's anything wrong with that okay um you could also try to explain to the kid i'm not going to fight with you over the gemara if you want to you know i we don't want to use our gemara as a sword right to try to show who's right or or who's wrong but let's suck at learn shine on the camaro let's try to see let's see what it is and anyway we don't pass them from gomorrah right we have we have a messiah we have rashainen and we have a chronic but i'm so happy that you know the gemara and you're working on it and i'm so happy that when you learned to gemara you thought about this that means you're really into your learning i'm so proud of you turn it around and flip it as a compliment on the kid that's what i would do okay we have another live one mr silverian yes hi um thanks um my question is we have newborn twins and two toddlers above them thank you um so i have two questions the first question is how do i give the toddler's proper attention and the other question is related one of the toddlers is she's very physical with the twins and my gut reaction is to put her in timeout but i know that it's probably hitting them because she needs my attention so timeout is productive so what's the proper discipline again it's a million dollar question that vanish knew to give you toddlers and knew to give you twins so obviously there has to be an answer i think like like i said before children don't necessarily need a lot of time they need quality time they they need good time ever so kids will fight friday night over where to sit by the table fight like you know my sister and then he took my seat and then cece took my scene and they'll finally have to make sure everyone to sit and five seconds later they're all gone from the table so what what were you fighting for and the answer is kids don't need time they need they need just those moments i know toddlers need their mommy and again the vanish gives us the science so it has to be an answer i think that that just enhance the quality of the moment and make sure that every once in a while you give your toddler the attention and then i think they're good you know eventually they're good to go a little bit on their own um they should give you loads and loads of nachos and you should have some of them and as a broke your toddlers and your twins should have the same problem i mean thank you yeah okay let's go to closing first i want to go gracefully after official coming on tonight giving us so much physical i think we covered the most questions tonight than any other night it's the topic it's the nature of the topic okay much that really do we overload you right no no no i wish i would have had better answers but again you would have had right if the would have been about the stimulus check i don't think it would have been that much questions in any questions because the question is right there yes okay properly but uh again this is this is a topic that we all deal with and we all live with okay okay again it's great for being so many people here there was probably over a thousand people totally here tonight thousands of and just remember every time you bring a child to this world you bring the closer the vanishing has a plan just a little little story i heard on the way coming here okay okay one sec um again next sunday everybody's here we have a tremendous show with rabbi yesterday i'm gonna be discussing uh enough talking it's time for doing things real practical ideas on how to help yourself help your kids help others it should be an amazing program we've already discussed with menachem this week it's gonna be something really amazing anybody who's on tonight for sure should come on and tell everybody about it and again he'll talk about tell people about the share everything tonight's recorded it's gonna be on monaco's website www.frombarefoot.com if you have any questions or you want to reach forever shakhtar i guess just email coach monachem coachmen from gmail.com we'll forward everything to our official if you can answer it um tonight share share number 34. everything is pre is recorded you can call them by the phone we have we're on two phone numbers now call us in the number seven one eight five two one five two three one star seven and the code for the share is 909 310 also we have uh another number it's eight four eight seven seven seven grow again that's eight four eight seven 777 grow and i want to thank our advertising sponsors at the liquid scoop robbie anything kyla calvin schwartzman from jcn coach malcolm close inverted their official housing and got a lot of concepts and now to go out into the actual boot camp and uh deal with it is and it sometimes can be a challenge but it's just an interesting um thought that i have that we want our kids basically to do what's right and everything that's right in a very young age we don't even give them the time to develop and eventually grow but but by third thing we want them to do everything and then like we discuss with krishna there are many adults that that struggle with iman krishna and here you go you want your son and sometimes it could be it could boil down to the parent the parent has to back up and realize how much of it is because i need my son to do the right thing right now and uh a lot of things get in the way it does take time and everybody's different i'll be darkoy again and uh some managed to do it right in the beginning summer takes time and we have to realize that and give them the time be there for them and not uh twist all the sides so that it works out for the parents so thank you very much again i do want to mention that we're going to have a program mushy with charlie let me clarify there's two special programs that are coming out we're going to tell everybody about it we're going to have a special program that's up next week with charlie rory it's a whole special thing and then we're also working on a special three series should have programmer with rabbi yy one for for parents of that that are involved in shidduchim one for the bakrim that are going to him a bunch of different topics all the book from young and also for girls so we're going to email the information once we once we once once we have it all confirmed it's not going to be on sunday night it's going to be on a different night of the week national edition special edition we'll get to that and i want to thank our official chapter we're getting a lot of text please ask for official shakespeare to come back again we want to hear more from officials i'm only just understanding what it says don't don't treat the messenger official please give us closing words physic everybody's trying to raise healthy beautiful vanitara healthy children okay skye thank you it's beautiful you feel the can feel it through the zoom you feel the air feel it in in the thing but don't be chosen you you'll be there for them um unless the branch will put you in a situation where you have to then it's similar it's going to work because rafa knows better than us so there's a rabbit so there's two people going to traveling to the house okay and they run out of money on the way they're going to the rabbit they ran out of money so they had an idea one becomes a rabbit the other becomes a gabai and they come into town and one announces himself as a rabbit the others bring them food and before they leave people bring them you know opinion with money valdic right and then uh somebody comes to the rebber and he says okay rebecca you know here's here's money he says i didn't have children for the last 25 years can you give me a broker and the guy goes oh someone is good you know what am i supposed to do and the goblin says rabbit no vince man what are you kids give him a broccoli i'll get into this okay i'll give you a breakfast i have children let's just get out of here before we get you know arrested for impastors and they come to the ghazal to come to and it's late at night so they go to sleep in the show meanwhile the rabbit the heiser comes out he says to his uh gandai two people just arrived over here okay i want you to find him and he's looking in all the soccer houses and out there finally he comes to the shul they're there and he wakes them up because the rebel wants you right now the two of them go uh oh and they come in and the rabbit says i can't believe this he says that man was coming to me for 21 years asking for a bracha for children and it didn't work i couldn't help them and and you should know that your bro that what you did tonight the bracha helped the only thing i don't know is which one of you was the rabbit which one was the gaba tell me and they go so one of them says if the didn't tell you which one is the rather which one is the gaba this time you're not supposed to know right and the two of them walked out you know babysitter gave you these children you're the parent sometimes you're the god but sometimes you're there ever your brother works thank you very much everybody thank you for coming tonight we'll see you next week same time same place bye