How to educate my kids about modesty - Rabbi Alon Anava

even then all ages I mean if you're taking a shower with you girl that's one thing but you know what I'm talking about is walking around in the room I mean there have you bathed the child and you in the shower with the child that's normal I mean with the gem that you want at some point in a very early stage separate like a two-year-old the three-year-old girl does not need to be with her father in the shower so no and also the other way around boy 3/4 shouldn't be with a mom she shouldn't see what's going on it's not good but I was mainly talking about that you know how the father and the mother are sneezed in the home because a child sees that that also develops holtsville because when a child sees you know a person that is very modest in front of the Kadosh Babu then that also imprints in the child this self respect when if you really want to look at it in a very and there's to say extreme way but hutzpah dick come from lack of respect I mean if I respect somebody I'll never be hospital I really respect somebody now if somebody doesn't respect another person he will be hood spitting so if I'm not a hundred percent respecting the master of the universe it will be translated in the eyes of a child that I'm not respectful so why should I be view not so it starts into this because the child sees because you know you constantly feed your children sneeze sneeze cover your legs cover this cover then don't talk like these don't like that so the child you know first of all again this starts when the child is a baby if it's push down the throat then that's not the right way to be done in a in a very positive and enlightening way this is ready before the act but the point is that the the sneeze is not only for women men also have to be Senora and the the the ultimate sneeze comes from the garage bajo Kailash ma who is hiding himself from us he's not showing himself to us that's nice okay there's a reason okay one might say okay if we would see a shame we'll be melted on the spot just from the holiness but the concept is the Kadosh the who covers himself from us why so we can have respect to him if we would see him we're gonna respect him as much like a king when do you respect the king once a month he goes out whoo the king the king is gonna sit in the bar with everybody who will respect him so send me with an alcohol collage before he says I'm I'm the king you know does closeness but there's also the time that I'm the king you're not so illogical who covers himself so we cover ourselves too so I cover myself not only in the streets and in front of my kids so it will be physically covering me may tell everything so you know you can go into so many different details first of all for sure with the genders that's not that's very not healthy but everything's you know the child child should not see the parents in the same bed nor in certain limits like it's very healthy for the child to see the parents are giving a kiss or hug or some type of affection but to tell a stern level that the child is okay it's a normal thing you know it's nice to see my father giving my mother a kiss I see that there is some type of an affection and respect here a child should not see a very cold relationship between the two mother and father is not good but there's a certain limit some people they go beyond basic things so the child has to to see you know a lot of the things that has to do with snute obviously you have to also do use your own common sense where what's the line that is normal and healthy and what's the line that is already that's really not what's a normal so it also depends on the age too a lot of questions if she's changing her I'm changing it which is good because it allows her to open up and it's those things aren't she's not gonna go find get from a friend indoor so that's why when he has to be done in the right to Dagobah has to be done in the right way the right answers depends on their age I mean the answer we give a seven-year-old it's not an answer you give an 11-year old and even when it gives you give the answer to the venire oh how you giving the answer to also it's a vex trimly important that that's openness you want to answer because you want to make sure that she comes to you for answers and let go six eight somewhere else and get the wrong answer so this is extremely healthy but everything has to be done in a very moderated way in a very F to use a common sense not to not to make things I mean the thing is that anything that has to do in the Department of marital relations has to be presented in a very sacred ray has to be like wow there's a buildup so if it's delivered a certain way the resistor and build up throughout the time you want to do that build up and you want to present it it's an extremely extremely sacred and extremely holy and extremely special oh how do you it's all about the build up and we now meet Ali Abu Hashem almost a year ago nine months ago the build up for Dalia was two years two years of preparation the kids got so hyped up about coming that the excitement is like every like every little thing was like wow wow because the build up so even that's with a child I mean seven-year-old doesn't mean to know about what's going on so the answer has to be done delivered in the capacity she can handle but you want to build it in a still in a way that you are the Google the you are the answer you are the answer the the the information provider so it has to be done in the right proportion I mean you have to also kind of figure out what the child can handle a three-year-old cannot handle certain things seven-year-old depends on the maturity some seven-year olds are much more mature than an 11-year old there was to be done in the right proportion and and very cautious because a child you know can possibly shadow interpret something the completely the other way so everything has to be done with a lot of thought before before you actually do how would it affect the child maybe the child will see something negative in it something positive in it everything else too I mean you don't have to be OCD on every word that comes out of your mouth but you have to know because some people are like could they did they they call they call me hey I said this should I said that sure like relax you have to you don't have to be OCD about every thought that comes out he has to be natural but it has to be done in a calculated way and the thing is that the question that I ask myself all the time before I do things is what is the Kadosh Baruch SPECT to me right now okay let's go who expected me to do this that he expected me to do that how if I would now had a private meeting with a collage before what would he tell me to do so I kind of try to build up a method based on the psychological who want me to be right now like this or would he want me to be like that what is the doc Torah the opinion of the Torah so you know a lot of people don't have the the the accessibility to every two minutes to call a rabbi what does the Torah say so hey you want to learn what the Torah says because that's the hokhmah you know the people in our generation are trying to invent new theories that for 4000 years there was a certain pattern how we did something don't change it it worked for thousands of years more than that the toys are manual if the Torah tells you a B and C it means that the Torah says that is the way don't try to invent the wheel so you always want to lean on the the doubt of the Torah that the opinion of the Torah and that you develop it into your dynamics how would my child react in that situation when it overwhelm the child will excite the child will hurt the child will it create now another ten questions can I handle these ten questions maybe I can handle these 10 questions maybe I don't have an answer what I'm going to lie to the child now so you know every step will develop another two steps so you have to prepare yourself in some children you know they need a certain dose some children need a lot of they're very curious why is this why is that why is this so you want you want to build a very healthy relationship with a child that they get their information and and of course in the level what they can handle but the level of modesty where the children is very very important even in the home I mean in your home you know much more you much less modest than what you'll be outside outside people are looking at me it's not so appropriate you want to be as modest in the home what you are outside but modesty is not only if you covered all day long we talk how you see it you get on your phone you don't let homie on the phone talking child they listen they might know you might think they're not listening with their hearing how you talk are you you if you gossip with your friends how much leshawna I said how much cursing is said how much nonsense is said sneeze is also how you talk it's not how long your dresses that's also important but snoot is in so many different ways and ultimately that's Newton's in front of the kadosh before so when the child sees that you're know our the Kadosh mewho and that's what they register because they see oh wait a minute mommy's this in front of an invisible thing must be something there and they mimic it so of course there's certain lines that you do not want to cross and you have to use your your imagination and your your common sense also the dynamics of the family some family they're only boys now I don't they don't have an issue with girls in the home some homes it's just girls some homes is mix so that's a very big thing a home that there's only boys the dynamic is completely completely different the mom has to hold ourselves in a completely different way cuz it's just boys in the house no I'm just saying different much much easier because you their eyes a pointing at dad not unless it like that they're looking at you but for your three-year-old he doesn't care how are your dresses or yeah they look they you have to paint in their imagination their wife that's your job and it's all it's a whole different thing you never your sons down the line would look in their wife for you so you have to paint and build the example what they should look for now if you holding yourself in a very holy way and sneers and no Lashon Hara and and respect to your husband and respect to Turin mitzvahs and all these things that's what they're gonna look for so they're gonna look for a wife that is serious and holy and modest and all these things that's what they're gonna draw them they'll see a woman that is not so cyst naina so you have a different room or a role model here and imaginary all your children are girls you're not going to look in you the the image of a wife rather that's told everything how you are as a mother so the thing is that in our generation unfortunately there's something very distorted that there are our families that the korekado a same-sex parent I mean there's it's distorted not because necessarily the Torah prohibits that because it's not natural because the husband and the wife is a certain dynamic if you have two of one the child looks at something it's it's the child will grow completely completely messed up and I'm not judging those people that that's their that's what they did want to lead their life that's a whole different issue but the child there's a dynamic when Hashem created the world with a husband and a wife a male and a female there's a certain motion and when the child doesn't see this normal Oshin the jar will grow up completely messed up so the father has a role I'm a tough kid and the moment has one and it has to be joined in harmony when the child sees this normal balance a child grows normal so this your son's they get from you one thing and they get from the husband I've told everything but in a house that there's only females then the job of the father is completely different the family that there's only males and the job of the mother is completely different and then it also depends sometimes families the boys are they go older ones and the girls there go on like in my family image much girl boy boy girl good symbolic on its toe different completely different when my mom comes to our to my arm or my knee all my siblings or her boys I'm the only one who produced girls so my mom goes to any one of my sisters the only boys there and she comes to my home she's like I got whole different thing girls total different energy soul different everything forever the toys right now in the dresses in the bows and all that it's told everything so even in the home it's it's the way one conducts himself like I'm a mother for only girls how she holds herself is totally different than a mother that only has boys so this is a total even issue because each one has their own family what they would how they how they need to lead their life but the point is that the role model of the mother when she's with the girls is one thing when which is the boys the different thing when the boys and girls together is one thing I mean ultimately we are billboards we are walking billboards in my home so I hold myself ten times more strict in front of my kids when my kids are not home I cannot be myself now because because I don't need them picking up also the nonsense that I'm carrying I have to put on a show to some extent that so the way that the way I hold myself sneeze is one the Altima smiie dot one needs to refine and snow - Zoli also for men not only women and sneered is not only my clothes it's every little thing it's my thoughts it's my speech it's my how I move it's every little thing is snoot so there's there's the importance to it is very very very very important the thing is that the the the child some children if there's too much openness in being in let's say the mother and the girl husband Tom it might be a wrong affect at all it's fine for me to be Knightly like physics to my mom so it's fine for me to be naked next to other people so if you have to know where the where they're good the rule is with the boundary and you can only know it because you know the child 1 child will understand that it's only normal to take a shower with mommy because it's mommy and it's me and we're together and we have a special relationship and another girl will be like oh if I can be naked x2 my mama would give me a connects to anybody so it's also very important for a role for the father that it's a girl when she's very very young running around the house mother took us out the father also how he behaves with the girl and then it makes a huge difference like I have a three-year-old girl you know three old girls they take the diapers off and they day sometimes they walk around with a hooker sticking out I teach her from now don't know you can you can come to me when your toughest is out sorry I'm saying took listen but but the teacher that she can come and sit on me which is not sneeze so she should understand that it's not a normal thing talking about it's not a normal thing to be to have this you know parts of your body is tak AHA like that sticking out but she has to have also sticking in her mind that I can't be too exposed next to my father so much more so another man so it's already being imprinted in the brain right now and even though she's a three-year-old doesn't matter three-year-olds they understand it she understands that she has to be it's nice when she comes to hug me and kiss me she wants to sleep with me my bed you sleep with me in your bed or Carly I'll kiss you will play or laugh but there's AI already draw a certain line when she's so young she's curious maybe now they're so maybe he's try to get a peek and I I you know it's I know it's again each girl is totally totally different this specific one I know how strict I have to be with a super gender separation house how my wife has to be strict with there are certain things because each child is completely different I mean that's news of the media and each from each media is empowered in a different person separately it's not good no it's not good no that's fine I thought you saying that theirs together in the shower no that's fine that's fine I mean again first of all it again depends on the individual some 7 year olds are very they're shy next to their mom which is actually a good thing but know if she's dressed Jesus showering that's fine seven-year-old is I mean in a year or two he can shower himself seven-year-old is almost in an age that he can shower himself I mean just for the education you would she would want him to take a shower by himself a seven-year-old is more than capable no seven-year-old is more than capable to wash his head so no that is not a problem I mean just for the sake of Education she would want to do that I mean a seven-year-old my five-year-old I'm now already teaching him he goes with us every Friday I take all my boys to the mick where my family walked on your big boy you do it yourself I need I need to wash your hair your figure laughing I'm just empowering him responsibility yeah I'm a big boy I don't need somebody to watch my head so kids like to feel very independent and very Wow I do you know I'm so good I can do it myself so you know in every little act of the day there's a something you can derive out of it an educational system but unfortunately there's no black and white and if you know some kids you know a single child is a total different way to treat than a child that has many siblings and it's totally different when it's only boys and half boys have girls so there's no black and white in T no one cannot write a book do a B and C because it's every family's at all different dynamic and the more the relationship is healthy between the father and mother then the clinic is much easier the more the family dynamics in the house is you know unity and a salute and love and respect then the keynote is totally different mom a there's no black and white if I would have to write a book cover you know there's no that it's only gonna be general general ideas because to really apply it it depends on so many factors then literally literally especially in the religious community I mean if you know about being a parent it's totally neglected totally neglected that they don't have this in the system and it's very very bad and unfortunately if you come out now with any book that has a little bit of unstitch things in it to try to educate everybody will go against it but the reality like you said in most religious circles they don't educate their eyes with the the groom and the bride what to do they don't know nothing and if they come from a very strong family they're there they don't even know to do they don't know what to do and they're kind of like basing their behavior according to what maybe they hear and they're picked up from their from their parents and that the result is a disaster because then they go to look for ages somewhere else they go look for advice somewhere else and then they get the wrong advice and they're they're trying to figure things out and it's one big mess it really depends on the child but I mean really there's not really an answer to that III don't think it's necessarily a good thing because exactly what I said that the ball will look for a wife how his mother is so he might you know see it in a way his subconscious that oh my mom at home was not so it's nice maybe that's a normal thing and he will be attracted Daffy got to a woman that is not so it's nice so it's not necessarily a good thing either I mean the the the child is something he's not gonna go for look for something else if he saw his mother with her shoulders showing if a child is gonna be curious to see what something looks like he'll go and find how it looks he's not gonna see anything attractive in his mom one out of a million maybe will you know translate it to that respect but I mean a man is not gonna find his wife disgusting or not disgusting because his mom behaved a certain way a man will find something negative in his wife a if something's wrong with him so he will be able to track it in his wife and and it will be it will appear and I mean this is not an answer but it's something wrong with him but it's not he's not gonna find good or bad in his wife because something that he saw in his home left I think would be more damage to do something like that I mean young boys that they will see you respecting yourself respecting your body respecting the home it's near smallest you don't smooth with with men you don't talk to everything then left a little block oh that's a holy woman now even if you know the lady stood before her son is 18 years old is after Derek whatever if a child sees his mom a certain way he can be super duper off that there he'll still look for a woman that looks like that he's not gonna be attracted I'll give you an example on myself my mom I mean I didn't grow up religious my mom never went like with short-sleeved shirts or high heels all these things my sisters are just like like that when I was not religious I didn't like girls that were not sneeze at all and if I had a girlfriend when I was not religion if I had a girlfriend and she would go not in a modest way I was like no no I don't want you two to be like that I didn't like that and this isn't at all sexual Department why cuz in my in my subconscious and you know a normal woman is dressed a certain way she's behaving a certain way so I didn't get attracted to the to the not Morris girls so what do you how you hold yourself a son way the child can later on in his life husbands you don't really go off to dinner he'll still have a image usually a child gets from the home because the you know unless the aunt lives in the home or the there's a very abusive home and and constantly takes the child that's a total different thing I'm gonna normal healthy environment the dominating figures of the parents there are very in many environments that something's going on in the house then a grandparent raises the child or an individual individual jumps in to save the day and that individual suddenly becomes the role model then that individual has a very big responsibility but you know my sisters they're non-religious they come to more to my home I don't there's no dress code I don't tell them you have to walk into my home I mean they respect me they know what's the first of all to start with they're not they're modest but but they're because there's a lot of respect from me coming to them there's a lot of respect from them coming doing so they know how to behave a certain way they're not going to do certain things next to my kids or in my home that's just because their respect is mutual but you know we have a lot of guests that are not religious they come to my home they're not I'm less concerned about that because the role model is my wife not I guess and I'm built making sure the foundation is wrong I mean there's women in the streets that are not modest doesn't matter if it's in my house and on the street the point is that you build a strong foundation doesn't matter what's going on in the street so I'm gonna affect a child if you're doing it the right way the world is not gonna affect a child that's why you see you know you see the Chabad rabbi so going to the end of the world the kids don't get affected I have many many friends there Habad saw him ever in the different places colleges that kids don't get affected because their focus there doesn't affect them what's going on but that's very very solid foundation yes I know your hand was already tired