How to Deal With Parents, Siblings, and Marital Challenges When Your Child Is Struggling

the yeshiva.net. [Music] We want to continue with the programm and your father definitely had some tremendous that are literally probably thousands and thousands and thousands of Yiddish out in the world home safe doing what's right with convict iction in his we're now we have the privilege to have or y and the way it's going to be done um we're going to have it split up in four 15inut segments with every 15 minute will be uh devoted to a different subject and then after the 50 minutes is going to give his closing statement for as long as he wants. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. And thank you Shiman. May your father be a good for you and the whole and may we all do what we think and believe is right and do it with conviction. Amen. That's a beautiful prayer for all of us. There's a pekk there's one pekk in the mgila in the migillas that stands out because it's a nice pik but it doesn't really seem relevant to the story. Esther was taken to the kinglashes. This is the seventh year of Akashes's reign. And the migill says every single day that means it wasn't only Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays twice. Every day seems like seven days a week. Makai is walking mishik. He walks back and forth. He doesn't say mahalik. You're walking back and forth. He can't go in, but he's in front of the courtyard to know what's happening with Esther to find out. Maybe he could catch a glimpse. Maybe he can hear a regards. Maybe he can send a message. Maybe he can send in a rugal from Kashavi Shabas. Maybe he could send in some cougal, some kalupsus or probably some healthy salad, Greek salad, Persian salad, I guess. Maybe even be a good morning epis. This was his closest way to communicate but not even communicate just to find out to be around. It's a nice p and you move on in the migilla next. Is that really relevant to the story? Is that really part of the story? Not really. That moment doesn't really have consequences. I mean the story is going to get much more dramatic and then Makai is going to play a pivotal role when he sends her a message to go in to the king. But at this point, it just tells you the man cared about her. But the actually this year is his 120th yard site. The writes and I want to quote it to you. I'm going to read it. The M with is just always three four lines and I want to explain to you what he says the way I understand it. Any word that says in the migilla is part of a singular story. If not it wouldn't be there. It's not just news. It's not just history. It's an indispensable component of the Purim miracle. What about this? Mara is a nice man. I got it. It's not indispensable to the story. It's not even part of the story. Let's say didn't go every day. How many years did do this? Only in the 12th year did the decree come out. And that's when things started to move very very fast. So for five years from year 7 to year 12 he says four or five because obviously you don't know which month exactly it's interesting he says four or five years every day seven days a week Mai walked around for hours just to get a glimpse and find out what's happening with Esther. He says that's a pretty big thing according to this is the most important of the whole this is why everything happened. Omra one more time it says in the love we always have we compare expressions one more time does it say every day they told that is not bowing down to you if I may take around 120 seconds to articulate what this fas says and why I think it's an unbelievable summation for this beautiful and amazing Friday shabas and Sunday and this says as follows I'm going to put it a little bit in my words who was mai mai wasn't what you would call in yiddish I don't know if they still use the expression aler how do you say a lady gay in English loer okay mardai mardai was the godlad the gammor says in migilli he was the Rosha Sanhedrin. He was the leader, the spiritual leader of the entire Jewish nation. He would teach for hours a day. He was the Reb, the leader, the teacher, the sage, the prophet of the Jewish people at the time. So, I want to ask you a question. Makai must have had a big yeshiva. Let's say there were 2,000 Bram there. Okay? I know a little bit of the yeshiva world. between 2,000 bakim, you can always find a guy who's more than happy to get official permission from the Russa to go hang out in front of a palace with a walkie-talkie with a WhatsApp with some other technology especially, you'll forgive me. Hanim is an extra plus and it's all the rashiva told me I'm here. I'm supposed to be here. It's my job. It's galdic. I once asked a guy in why did you go into he says it's revenge from the rabbi for all of his sermons right in the middle of his sermon I jump out call noah call I'm done could have found somebody hang out and if there's an urgent thing call him [Applause] [Music] no the himself seven days a week he couldn't didn't even do anything. He just showed up. What are you accomplishing? You're not doing anything. M Why? So Esther should know she's not alone in the world. That's it. Whenever she had a chance, oh Mai is there. How many could have given? How many swarim could have written? How many inspirational presentations and lectures and kadusha and ty and toy and y could have radiated to Jews who desperately need it. But this was his Esther was his own lab. He knew she was an orphan and he knew she was a kidnapped orphan. And that word has chilling relevance in our own times tragically. All he can do is show up. Says this is the whole story. That's why Hmon went crazy for he says every day he can defeat more and more and more and more yim and it's because of this mai merited that this grand historic miracle happened through him and Esther it was that yim and here we salute all the mothers and fathers who like show up. I'm sure as we just heard from the naysayer says, "What are you doing? You're wasting your time." Which school is she in? She's already lighting Shabba's candles. She's already a sneezick like her bubba. She already says the whole twice like your mother. H not yet. So, what are you doing? What are you doing? Tlas. Tlas. tless. Yeah. But MKai did what he knew was right and he did it with conviction and he didn't even send he didn't even send emissaries. He didn't delegate it. Why? Because if I may say this, when it comes to the work of attachment, you can't send is true says not with I can't appoint a to put on fillin for me I can't appoint a to hear for me I can't appoint a to eat matzah for me I can appoint a to do a lot of things but not things that I need to internalize in my physical visceral experience the attachment with our children is not something I send the even the greatest therapists in the world, the greatest maga mashia, they're amazing, but there's nothing nothing that comes close to what a tati and a mommy can do. This is a mitzvah himself. That's what Esther needed. The fact that there would be a yeshiva there, you know, on his phone. Oh, Esther, Esther, you know, take a picture and run to Morai. That's not what attachment is. It also gave so much to Esther beyond what we would ever know because for 5 years she knew he didn't forget her and it gave so much to Makai and according to this fas it saved the entire Jewish people and the entire world. But if you would have seen it then you would have said, "Wow, what a waste of time. You need help with time management. Somebody has to teach you how to delegate, get some assistance. You're just too important for this. But Murdai, thank God, understood better. And we're all here today because that man walked every single day and said, "I'm here. I'm present. Do I know how it's going to end up? I don't. But I know you're an orphan. And we know that there are biological orphans and there are emotional orphans. And in many ways, the definition of trauma is that in our own experience, we are orphans. We don't have caretakers, caregivers that we feel connected to. That's what aim is. And I knew that she was kidnapped. She was in a prison. There's physical prisons and there are emotional prisons. What can I do? Come every day, seven days a week. Which means okay, it was before Kaneka. Purim. Okay. It was before Purimish. Wasn't before. It was before. But you get my point. Oh, it was before was before. Okay, good. Pesak. Pes works. He was there. The migill is not means every single day. You're the man. Everybody's waiting to hear some before. Sorry, I got to go h go hang out with the Persian with the Persian drunks. Why? Because there's a little girl kidnapped. This is the time to salute each and every one of you and give that salute to yourself in your own heart because heaven knows that it's not Sundays and it's not Tuesdays and it's not Thursdays and it's not and it's not in the days that we don't say which by us is never. It's every single day. It's walking back and forth with presence, with an open heart, with an open mind, with expansiveness. And that's why he merits that Hmon is defeated. He merits that not only is Esther saved, that's also true. But he merits to see how Esther saves him and saves all of the Jewish people. This little girl that seemed like such a doomed life. What a beautiful life that fades into such dark oblivion ends up with a Persian alcoholic spineless addict nut job. That's the description of it's not my own description cuz I didn't know personally. It was a shik I mean who parties for 187 days drunk and then kills his wife at the end. So you understand what Esther was dealing with. This is a pretty dark story. Wouldn't you say that? You think you had it hard and you think figured it out just said me? This is beyond us. This is beyond us. My job is I'm here. I'm present. I don't have to play God's role. I'm going to play my role. It's powerful enough. What's my role? That's a lot of inner work. It's a lot of internal internal work to be able to do that without resentment. It's more the work inside of people. So as you finish this amazing week, Friday Shabas and Sunday of Nav, it's important to be able to give credit where credit is due to all the mukis in our world, all the amazing mothers and fathers, all the esters and makis. sunshine and rain, cold and hot, when the weather is great and when the weather is difficult, when you're having an easy day, when you're having a difficult day, and you wake up and you say, "And today, I'm going to take my soul and live the life that my soul was given, a gift today to be able to live." And part of that is to be able to show up for myself and for my loved ones with uninhibited vulnerability, authenticity and love. It comes with a lot of tears. Only God knows after all the weekend and all the speeches and all the workshops and all the seminaries and all the seminars I should say and all the seminaries you hoped for. That was just a slip. after everything only the knows how many tears are in your pillowcases how many tears are in your heart and for those of us who suffer from emotional constipation which is if especially if you come from a certain part of the world and I'm not going to get specific now but those who know no those who don't know you don't have to know it's none of your business sometimes the tears are much deeper because they remain stuck they remain stuck and they can't get out. But God counts the tears. He sees the tears. And with that grief and with those tears and with so many shattered dreams as Morai's shattered dreams and Esther's shattered dreams, you say, "I don't know the outcome of the story. I don't know the purpose of the story. I do know my in the story. and Esther knows it. Thank you very very [Applause] much. Hello. Okay. Thank you so much Jacobson. It's a real honor to have you here. Thank you. Thank you for the honor. So we're going to be having as Tabra mentioned we're going to have start we're going to have four segments. We're going to try it's they're 15minute segments and we're going to really try hard to stay to those timelines. So I'll be uh asking about the first segment which we will be covering shalom. And before we start, I want to first and foremost acknowledge and salute the heroism and courage of the single parents that are navigating this part of their journey. Their the way they're going about their lives is truly remarkable and inspiring. So obviously the most common issue regarding Shaolai's issues is when the husband and wife are not on the same page and one is not willing to go through this most enriching journey to authenticity. And just to illustrate the gamut of how this dynamic can manifest itself, you can have a situation where both parents show up to a shabatone and it's usually the husband. He's just busy with the food, the entire Shabas, or he's in his room. He just can't. He just he doesn't want to hear about it, but his wife is here, so he's there to support. And she wishes she can clone herself and attend every single concurrent session. Then you have the situation which actually happened where the husband is he just can't but he's supporting his wife. So he literally drove her here to the Shabaton, bought her luggage to the room and left before Shabas. Then you have the other extreme where the husband absolutely does not want this mahalik to infiltrate his home. This is not going to happen in our house. And the heroic mother literally has to make up a story and she lied to her husband so she can attend this Shabbat. He doesn't know she's here. How do couples deal with that? Huh? I got to breathe. Anybody doing breath work? The first thing is we have to acknowledge the pain of that and how difficult it is. That's the first thing. In other words, anybody can give you the most brilliant and amazing answer, but whatever the answer is, good or not so good, it's a very very painful and challenging and difficult situation. That's number one. Number two, what should be done? I think obviously every situation is individual and you have to know the exact dynamics, but just from a very very general perspective, let's forget about the children for a moment. What do you do when your husband is an act of trauma and he doesn't want to do anything about it? Forget Kesha Navi for a moment. What do you do when your wife is an act of trauma and she's not ready to do anything about it? And usually it's not with it's not with choice, right? If you followed all the neurological diagrams of Rabbi Russell, you know that when the reptilian brain is controlling the dynamics, basically your husband is an alligator. Maybe a small one, a harmless one, a a small crocodile that you can even actually hold. There are crocodiles and alligators you can hold. Or a big one. But how much choice do lizards have? Right? Even the limbic brain. I mean, how much choice do monkeys, chimpanzees, rats, mice, elephants have? We love elephants. They're very cute, especially when they're small. But how how much choice do people have? We do have to realize, just like we talk about our kids, let's talk about the kids inside of us that haven't grown up yet. I think that we can all we all know the truth. anybody on this journey that part of our children's mission in this generation is to heal their parents. We often look at the children and say they need help. You'll forgive me at least from what I see from my own humble experience and wisdom and knowledge. It's sometimes the other way around. They're playing out in a very vivid way the dysfunctionality that has been buried sometimes for generations in our own in our own psyche in our own subconscious. So this question is a very very deep question. It's a very general question. What happens when one of the spouse is spouse is not ready to face their own stuff with kesha? comes out in a very dramatic way because there's a child in crisis and either the wife or the husband is in complete denial. Denial is not only a river in Egypt, it's part of people's lives. But in reality, it comes to a very very deep deep existential question. And here I think just as we talk about the support system we need with our children, it's also true with our marriages. If there's a spouse who's way, way ahead of the game and much more advanced and the other spouse is simply not ready for them, it's so important for you to take care of yourself, for you to fortify yourself, for you to be resilient, for you to make sure that you're eating healthy, you're exercising, you have time in which your soul and body and psyche can be nurtured so that you could be that mom or that dad that you have to be. And then you can show up for your child with trauma and you can show up for your spouse with trauma. Showing up for your spouse with trauma is not does not mean that you don't have boundaries. It doesn't mean that you don't sleep. It doesn't mean that you follow every mishagas. It does mean that you understand that the best thing I can do for somebody who's unfortunately unhealthy is not become unhealthy but be more healthy. to be able to differentiate between my issues and the other person's issues. I'm just going to say this and I know it's not for everybody, but sometimes I think especially we see this more with women who know how to blame themselves much better than men. There's a reason for it. God created them that already in the beginning of their lives, they feel their bodies feel responsible for another person. The moral says the word for womb is from the word raim which is compassion. So it's part of the biology. So it's very very important to stop blaming yourself and knowing this is my stuff. This is someone else's stuff. A few days ago, a woman reached out was actually to my wife. My wife was just sharing it with me by by the table. And basically her husband threw a whole bowl of emotionally, I don't mean physically, a whole bowl or many bowls of spaghetti on her. Blamed her for this and that and that and that and that. And she called my wife for some and my wife says you realize this has nothing to do with you. This has to do with him. So next time take the spaghetti and say this looks interesting but this is your spaghetti. Okay. This is your spaghetti here. Enjoy it. Enjoy it. You need to work out this spaghetti and I'm here for you. What this does is either it challenges him to be able to look in the mirror and see what he's dealing with. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow. What it does also do is that she now is not living with crazy infinite guilt and crazy infinite shame. So this is really very very deep inner work in all of our marriage. And then let's just say it the way it is. These kids can destroy marriages. But the reason they can destroy marriages is because they are touching on a vulnerability in this marriage that existed before and we never had to deal with it. I know in my case personally, and I think it's true with many cases, challenges with children force a couple either to kill each other or to become closest to each other. There's no other option. Either you become a unified team and we're going to play football together and we're going to have fun with all the with all the bruising and together hopefully we'll touch, you know, the end uh we'll get to the to the end zone. or we're going to kill each other. We're going to argue. We're going to fight. And this is the choice, a very mature choice that every wife and husband has to make. Are we ultimately going to grow up in a very deep way and face our own stuff and stop blaming our kids? Am I going to face my own stuff, my own wounds, or am I not? If you have a couple that does this together with setbacks, with failures, with mistakes, it's amazing. If not, it's part of our it's part of our challenge. It's part of what we need to work on. And the way we work on it is not by surrendering our normaly, our sanity, our integrity, but rather fortifying that which we know is true. To paraphrase again, Rabbi Russell senior shalom, do what you do, what do what you believe is right with conviction here means also show up with the best and with the tools that you have in the best way you can and pray and be present for the moment that your second half is ready to leave Mitzim. But don't go back to Mitzim with them. It's not going to help anybody. Rib Shiman teaches us a foundational tenet that he has discussed with the Gdali Israel that when it comes to our struggling children and there's a situation where you have on one hand of to make sure they're healthy and at the same time there's a direct conflict in that moment to be mitzvah trumps we have to make them healthy. So along that along those lines to superimpose that on this question when you're in a situation where the marriage and the protection or the raising of the child are in conflict at the right at the same time what trumps over what? Wow. You have a conflict between your marriage and your child. Obviously, every age is different, but sometimes there comes a point where we have to be able to have a very honest conversation with our children, especially when they're a little older. And today, children are getting old very, very fast. You know, we often think that we're hiding information from our children. And of course, a few years later, we find out that they knew everything because generally children feel everything that's going on. Right? If I want to know how my marriage is, even before asking me, I can ask my child because I may be suppressing my emotions, but my child feels my subconscious. So, your children usually know everything you're feeling. Even if you don't feel it, they already know it, right? If you're very smart, you don't need to pay a therapist. Just pay your child cuz they do it for free. They do it when you're not in the mood of it. They do it any time of the day, especially 2:00 in the morning when you're exhausted. And they'll tell you exactly who you are. And the more they're triggering you, it's not much like your therapist triggering you. That's exactly why you're paying your therapist $225. You can give the same money to your kid for whatever. So the point is that our children know everything in a very very deep way. And I think sometimes sometimes and you have to be careful with this but sometimes a person has to be able to have an open relationship and honest conversation with their child about their own limits and sometimes the limits they're experiencing in their other spouse in the other parent. It's very painful. But you see what our children do is they blame themselves for our shortcomings. People don't realize how much children blame themselves for what happens with their parents. You know, often parents who get divorced, I've heard from children, they thought it was their fault, right? Mommy's having a hard day, it's my fault. Tati is having a very hard day, it's my fault. They live with so much so much internal blame and that contributes to dysfunction. Especially if they're sensitive, the internal blame is even deeper. So the moment we can take that off their shoulders, take that burden off and say, you know, I had a conversation with one of my boys, very very deep kid, very very sensitive boy, and I knew that he was taking a lot of blame on himself. And I shared with him in a very vulnerable moment some challenges that I had as a child. And he looked at me and he just looked at me and he couldn't believe that I was saying the truth. And as he was looking in disbelief, I also saw something else. He realized this has nothing to do with him. It's not that he didn't deserve what he got. He didn't deserve certain things. He realized that your father and mother may be superman and woman when you're a little baby, but they're not. They're limited creatures who have limited tools. It used to be some notion, I don't know where it came from, and I see some people still teach it. I don't understand it, but okay, maybe there's a p another perspective that somehow parents are now allowed to apologize. I saw somebody say, "Never apologize to your children." I think that's ludicrous. I think I think it's ludicrous because all it does is it shows them they can have a real relationship. We're going to become defensive and we're going to protect ourselves by whatever means. I think a much more enriching thing is to be able to have an honest relationship and say, "Yeah, you know what? I'm trying. I'm working. Give me feedback. I made mistakes." And without excuses. You know, I tried my best and you're a rotten, spoiled American, self-centered, narcissistic brat. Oh, yeah, mommy. I never thought of that. You're so right. I'm really narcissistic. That's a great diagnosis cuz you try the hardest. But rather have a very honest and vulnerable conversation. age appropriate and that could sometimes include the limits that I have and sometimes a challenge that they may see in another person including the other parent and in a very respectful but real way say sometimes we are limited in our responses and that way I don't think we have to use our children as carbonus because our marriage is suffering from dysfunction we have to be able to set boundaries and with a lot of compassion and empathy sometimes tell our child yeah there's a struggle in the house and you know what you suffered a lot from it you suffered from it and love and respect does not mean that I have to cover up mistakes and that I have to cover cover up terrible terrible responses sometimes a father loses it sometimes a mother loses it and I don't think it's yosha to the child to turn the father into the saddic and the mother into the tadas of the generation when they need their own healing. And I think our children can forgive us much more when they see our vulnerable authentic search for healing. [Applause] [Music] Amen. Amen. [Music] issues. This object foreign. Yeah. foreign. Fine. Yeah. Very nice. for statement. Yeah. Yeah. Powerful and relevant question. It's hard enough to get a rabbi and a I'm translating it. It's the question was in summation. It's hard enough to find rabbis, leaders, educators that can support us in this journey. But there are some, right? And in parenthesis, I'm just going to say this in parenthesis. It's very very important when you're getting guidance in this theme to only only speak to people who have experience. Only people who have experience either either with their own children either with their own children or at least experience with many young men and women and that includes rabbis. Not because they don't mean well, but if a rabbi or a rabbitson never saw this in their own family and never dealt with it, they may just give you wrong advice with good intentions. So just be aware of that. Be aware of that number one. But the question is, what about your own parents? The grandparents of the child. They say, "Okay, we're not going to tell you how to run your crazy house. You want to let your boy walk around like that, your girl walk around, it's your issues. But we have a purim suda. You come to our house. We run this house. There's rules. If your daughter wants to show up, no problem. But she has to conform to our rules. And they even quote the Gmorra and Rashi brings it who passed away five years early so that he shouldn't see as you shouldn't see as go OTD which basically and they tell it to your children which basically we would love to die 5 years early if this is how you're going to continue which basically means you're killing us and when we die 5 years early it's going to be your fault realize that and Ara is man and he was a lover and he was a good guy of Ramavina, right? And he and he he was taken. So, so and this is where you tell your child and uh his last point was that sometimes such a comment can push back the work so many years. It can derail the trust the connection with the family. And he says and the parents mean well. They actually love you and they love their grandkids. They would do anything. They they raised you with a lot of sacrifice. And then they say, you know, we survived the war or our parents survived the war just to get Nakas. So now you're not just destroying our family. You're like the whole war effort. Roosevelt, Churchill, everything against the whole Nazi regime. You know, your your daughter is single-handedly literally going back a hundred years and and it's almost before the First World War because of her. Did I summarize your question? Yes. Thank you. Listen, in this whole sug, okay? Nothing will kill you. A little humor is always good. Trust me. So, the first thing is you have to tell your parents like this. Purim is a holy Jewish minig that we wear costumes. My daughter continues Purim a whole year. This is her purim costume and that's it. She's a holy girl. She's a holy girl. She's in the of we know purim is like so it's a time of yam kiper atonement. This is our this is and effect our whole family has a purim costume. We all wear it 24/7. We don't want to leave purim. Now that's all if your parents like this tyra but if they don't like this tyra cuz purim is only purim and even purim you have to know what type of costume etc etc. I think it's extremely important to do two things and they're paradoxical but that's what life is. It's paradoxical. Number one is to have empathy for your parents who usually mean very very well and never really faced a lot of their own emotions and their own pain and really don't know what trauma looks like. And it's really not their fault. It's really not their fault. And we have to be able to have empathy and still have respect. And we don't want to sever connections unless it's really really necessary. That's one thing. But there's another thing. And that is as parents your first priority is to protect the sanity, the safety, the emotional, psychological, physical life of your children who are struggling. And it's a very very specific call. It would be amazing. It would be I'll tell you what I did once. I had one of the children I was struggling with. We were going away for Pesak with one of the sets of grandparents and there was a big argument about something. So what did I do? I was brilliant. I decided I'm not going to deal with it. Let Rabbi Shman Russell deal with it. I took one of my family members. I did a Zoom and I had Rabbi Russell lecture them. Okay. My point was my point is it's extremely helpful if we can communicate a message to them that they'll be able to understand. Maybe not yourself. Maybe you need somebody else. Maybe they have to hear a lecture from somebody. Maybe they have to read something. Maybe they can watch something for 10 minutes. Maybe not. But that can be very very helpful because sometimes they're really really good people and they really feel they're doing the right thing and they could be a little bit educated on and understand. I also want my girl to dress with I also want my boy to wear yam to put him party. I also would love Shabas that they should dress in Shabas clothes and sit by the table and singes and melt away in ecstasy especially Shabas and I want my girl to sob from his raos and my son to say Shabas we didn't have iron hagul miklin at the table rather than say what a stupid table this is such we so weird and so irrelevant I would love it myself. Everybody would love it. That's not a The question is, do I ask all day what my children can do for me or does it come a time in life where I ask what I can do for my children? And this is where we respectfully need to be able to challenge respectfully from a place of love and empathy and ask your father and ask your mother. Let me ask you one question. What do you think is yiddeshkite? Is yiddeshkite asking a whole day what God can do for me? Or is it also asking what I can do for God? Is it always asking what my children can do for me to give me nas and make me feel successful? Or maybe a much more authentic relationship with Hashem and with Yiddish is asking what Hashem needs and wants for me to be able to do for my child. And mommy, let me ask you another question. this girl who for whatever reason associates yiddeshite shabas with deep deep pain maybe for another few weeks I can force them to conform but then the moment they hit 16 17 they're going to detach for 20 years and now not only don't they have yiddishkai they don't even have a mother and a father is that really what you think God wants me to do they may not be open. They say, "This is not our way. You're corrupt. You're listening to stupid videos by pop liberal left-wing psychologists who want Biden to be the president." Fine. Okay. Okay. Fine. I hear you, mommy. I hear you, mommy. All I'm going to ask you is continue to say to Hillm for your daughter and for your granddaughter. And then sometimes maybe you can't show up at the PM party. It's very painful. very painful. Last time at Kashanav I remember was last time a few times ago I was sitting with Rabbi with Rab Shim and somebody asked a question I don't know if you remember from Ezus Noshim her aunt was making a wedding she wanted the family to come she told her sister the aunt of the girl her sister was making a wedding and her sister said I know you want to bring your daughter but if your daughter is coming to my wedding she has to dress fully fully and will she so the mother said I don't think So, so she said, "So, don't bring your daughter. Don't bring your daughter." So, the mother was here at Kesha Navi and she asked the question, "I don't want to miss my sister's wedding. My sister's making a wedding. We grew up together. It's our family and the family's close. Barakashem. It's an amazing gift. I don't want to miss my sister's wedding. And if I go without my daughter, it's going to be a backstab for my daughter. It's almost like you're the embarrassment of the family." And this was a very deep question. What are you supposed to do? What are you supposed to do? And the answer I believe Rabbi Russell gave and I fully concur with it. And she said as f he said as follows. I'm not quoting verbatim but this is what I remember and this is how it resonated and I think it's so authentic. He said as follows. For you not to come to your sister's wedding is a painful reality. That's what it is. But hashem your sister will survive. She has 14 kids right? There's going to be in the middle of is going to be a vaknar mitzvah mitzvah. Another engagement, a bashai hopefully another wedding, another Shvraus, another mitzvah. Your sister will baser Hashem survive. Tantagga who thinks anyway you're a prit, right? Will continue. She's going to curse the day that you became her niece, but Tantagga is going to survive your daughter. It's a question of puaknafes with your daughter. It's a question of puaknafesh. These girls start cutting themselves. These girls start using substances that are counterproductive to put it mildly. These girls are in danger. They're in danger. So now you have to ask a question. If Hatsah comes to your house right before your sister's wedding, your daughter needs to go to the hospital. Do you say, "I can't miss my sister's wedding." There's physical hospital and there's an emotional hospital. Thank you. Okay. Okay. Um before I ask um the subject that I'll be asking on will be on the subject of siblings, unmarried siblings and married siblings. But first, from my from the depth of my heart, I can speak in the name Barashem of hundreds of siblings that I got to know over the years who are doing an amazing an amazing job in their position of being a sibling to a struggling sister or brother and unbelievable. Hats off. The question is um there are six points to the question um and I'll read them all and then you'll respond as needed. How can parents help siblings process the shame? By the way, I just want you to know this. These six points are all gathered from Mashem parents who are sitting here that I took over the last three days. And I summarized it in six points. Number one, how can parents help siblings process the shame they feel when their brother or sister leaves Yiddish? Especially when they face judgment from peers or the community. Many siblings struggle with guilt feeling they could have done more to prevent their brother or sister from going off the d. How can parents help them let go of that burden and understand their true role? Sometimes siblings feel torn between loyalty to the family and love to their struggling brother or sister. How can parents help them maintain a healthy relationship with both? Fear is a big factor. Siblings worry that they too might stray or their family will negatively be affected. How can parents help them navigate these fears without creating a culture of anxiety in the home? And how can parents ensure that the siblings don't feel neglected given that so much energy and attention often goes toward the struggling child? And finally, what is the best way to guide siblings in dvening or doing mitzvah for the brother or sister without making them feel that their efforts are responsible for fixing the situation? [Laughter] [Applause] This is big, big, big. Okay, I'm going to ask Hashem to allow me to be a channel for what comes through because this is I think beyond myself or beyond any individual. This is the big big question that we're touching on. So I just want to say one thing I think as a general gener as a general intro that I think encompasses all of these questions on one level or another. I'm going to try not to be blunt, but it's probably going to come out blunt. So, I ask forgiveness cuz I don't mean it that way at all. But you'll see what you'll see what I'm saying. Why were we created? I know this is not a philosophical Shabbat tone here, but why were we created? Yeah. The Balatanya writes hundreds of times and this is and just in different words. We were created in order to be able to surrender. What does that mean? What that means is before creation, we were all infinite. We were all a scythe. We were all one. There was no such a thing called ego because a mulvad everything was pure infinite oneness. That doesn't change. What does change is our perception of separateness. Our perception when we're born, we have the abandonment abandonment wound in psychology which is those of us who experienced abandonment which is so many of us in one way or another. But there's the spiritual abandonment wound. And that is we don't feel that we're part of infinity from our perception. And our entire avoid in this world is to be able to take that self that is created and bring it back to the source. Surrender that to infinity. In cababala and it's called hayesh or bits. It seems like no I don't want to surrender. I want to be me. But the truth is the ego is the greatest gehenn in the world. It's the worst gene. Ego is easing God out. It's also easing greatness out. Because when my ego takes responsibility for life, I am living in such a narrow, limited, traumatized space. Cuz the moment you offend my ego, I'm done. I'm done. It's like when I finish this speech, right? What's going to happen? If my ego is running the show, it's going to be waiting for validation. Do you know how torturous that is? Because one person is going to say, "Wow, you changed my life." And another person is going to say kafira. So now it's basically who's giving you more compliments. It's torturous. But every aspect of life is this. Either I'm living in the frequency of ego or I'm living in the frequency of surrender. Surrender is the only source of bliss. Surrender doesn't mean you're ashmata. Surrender actually means you become part of a which is pretty powerful. When you're a channel for infinity, you're not a weak person. You're actually the most powerful creative person in the world because you reflect the creator. Why am I saying this? I'm not trying to give you a lecture here on what I want to say is something else. This entire work depends on one truth. And if we don't touch this truth, we're not going to go far. And that is this is not about our children. This is not about our children. This is mostly about ourselves. Our children were given to us by God to crack us open. Our children are the catalysts to go inward and do the deepest work we ever had to do. I could tell you my own life. I had a good education. I had a pretty successful life in many ways. But in many ways, I was living in a bubble. And it was number one my marriage and number two my children who are still helping me crack open the nut every single day. And it's a very very deep it's a very very deep process of surrender. What does surrender look like? It never looks the same, but it's like surrender. The ego wants to take control. The ego wants to create fear, anxiety. The ego keeps you small, narrow, in control. No vulnerability, no presence, no truth, no authenticity. Bittle is letting go, becoming a free human being, not protecting myself, not having to wear masks all year, not having to live behind bulletproof vests, not being afraid of vulnerability, authenticity. And I want to ask you a question. How many of us are living in this frequency mo most of the day and night? Your children and their challenges are the greatest gift to look at the mirror every day. I don't mean a physical mirror. That can also help for some of us, those of us who need a little help. But I'm talking about an emotional mirror to help me look deep inside and ask myself, what am I afraid of? What is the abyss that I have been running away from all my life that I'm protecting myself from? Why is it that it's so hard for me to connect in such a deep way? What am I really afraid of? Why are my children triggering me? What's the fear? What's the anxiety? What's the complex trauma I'm confronting? I may not have to know the story, but I need to know that there's a story that's keeping me in prison daily. And if I don't have the courage to surrender all of that to Hashem, I cannot be a real father. I can't be a real husband. I can't be a real man. I can't be a real Jew. And between to you and me, all my speeches are maybe entertaining but worthless. This is the gift of this work. Now you think, what is he talking about? It's of course it's my kids. If my daughter will only become half normal, I'll be a happy person. You want to know something? You're lying. You could. If you're a happy person, you're a happy person. If you're not a happy person, stop blaming your kids. If you're a really happy person, which means if you have a real relationship with God, you have no ego, stop blaming your kids. They are not making my life miserable. My trauma is preventing me from experiencing my soul. That's what's making my life miserable. My kids are just reminding me about my blemishes. Wow. Thank you. You remember what I I remember what we spoke last time p I don't mean to remind anybody about pes because I know when you're coming home you're going to start cleaning unless you're coming to a hotel which is what you should do. Maybe Kesha navi will do a kasha navi basic. You never know with gdalia and and then your kids can walk around the however they want. You know a guy I have to tell this to you. A guy comes over to me. He says he says you know what you know people have a bucket list. You know those bucket lists. So he tells me about it. His bucket list is he wants to attend my seder. I'm like why? He's like I hear your shurum a whole year and your seder must be the most inspiring seder on the planet. Your kids are probably sitting transfixed for Rabbi Y to give his gems on the Hagada and I would love to be at your sedar. I start laughing and plotting. I'm like I'm not allowed to say a word at this sedar. I shut up. I shut up. I say the manishana with them. But people have perceptions of how things happen. What often when but it's a funny thing to say, right? We hide our we take the matzah. We break it. We put it under the pillows wherever you hide your afikiman. And then there's this old minnick that your kids come they steal your afan. And then if you want it back by you got to pay a nice hefty price. In my days it was a bag of wise potato chips. If you were rich a black and white or a bell. You remember those toxic healthy bells. If you had if you were Rockefeller or Rothschild you got a calculator or a Parker pen. You got a Parker I think the Roman's got a Parker pen today. If you give your kids a Parker pen for Dafi Kimman, they'll call child services and kesher navi for not training their parents. It's more like a Lamborghini or a private jet. Maybe a tablet is not that abusive. If you give them for a tablet, okay, me according to one in the Mishna Bura, you could be. But what's this funny thing? What's the I hide a ka my kid finds it and then the answer my friends is this minig is very very deep psychologically it teaches us one thing about pes which is the holiday of freedom whatever the parents hide and it's usually a broken matzah there's a broken matzah in each of our families for many generations it's nobody's fault it's been a long gulos we have broken matzas and we have hidden them very well whatever our parents parents hide our children are going to find and reveal and give it to us and it's called I have proof it's called safun why didn't they name it afun means in Hebrew safun means hidden subconscious suppressed saf and they come with a and they say here tati here here's your broken matzah and I have a choice I could look and say yankee Davidid mut menal kayasara dah Hundreds of years this aim has been hidden successfully until autife narcissistic self-centered sick person who's not following the on the you're exposing this out of my house. out of my house. Before the end of the sage, out of my house and thy goes back into the vicious cycle of suppression wreaking havoc on all of our families. Or you could look at your child, give her a hug, give him a hug, and say, "Thank you for allowing me to see my eating it, enjoying it, and then we could finish a sed and say together." But that's a lot of lot of this this is majestic but it comes with grief because it comes with bit and here I think is the context with the siblings if I'm trying to manipulate the other kids and squirrel out of the situation and make believe our family is still a normal family in Lakewood Tom's River Muny Williamsburg Boraar Kron Heights Kira Safer Benabra Mayor, whatever it is, gold is green, Stamford Hill, we are still normal. Yeah, is she takes after her mother-in-law, whatever. Fine. If you try to squirrel out your siblings, your other children know the truth. They won't trust you. They'll be frustrated. But what if we could be so authentic with the other children and say, "You know what? Avoid this. Hashem in our family. God wants us to serve him without an ego. We were given a gift. We were given a gift to serve God with earnestness, with authenticity, with integrity. Our Yiddish guide is not what looks good. It's not. We're not good at it. Somehow the Shatanim don't think our family is perfect. Yeah, we tried for many years. We tried to be la and our kimon was hidden under a hundred stories of debris and rubble and bricks. Nobody could find a rafika but poor family 2025. Somehow God is hastening the kates very very fast if you haven't realized. And the ones who are doing it are the children. And they're like, "It's time to spit out the lies, the filth, the inauthenticity, the stuff that weren't worked with." Yes, it's hard. We're not perfect families. Welcome to the club. Look at your other children and say, "My dearest, beloved children, this is a challenge. It's painful for mommy. It's painful for Tati. It's painful for you. It would be nice to have your brother in yeshiva, your brother putting on fillain every day, your brother going to Mina every day. It's hard to have a boy walking around the house without a yamaka. It's hard. You need to be able to grieve. You need to be able to cry. It's hard when they know that their brother is sitting Friday night in the middle of the reel in the room and he's not learning daf. He's not locked up in the room because he's the next Rabim Kfki who finished his meal in three minutes and is finishing your Shami by the time six o'clock in the morning comes so he could make his pesa mentor. That's not what he's doing in his room. Maybe one day he'll find out. It is what he's doing, but we're not there yet. There's a lot of grief. But bond with your kids over that. Don't suppress it. Don't deny it. Say, "But we're here together. He went through something or he's going through something. We're going to try to be here. Will some people make a comment? Yeah. People who don't care for truth will make a comment. It's almost like if you have a brother who has cancer or you have a sister who has cancer and somebody will make fun, she's not at the table. She looks so weird. She's emaciated. Why doesn't she eat? It's like making fun of a girl with anorexia. Making fun of a boy who I mean these are serious serious challenges. Your siblings are going through something. Maybe we know. Maybe you don't know why. So people who can't understand basic decency and empathy, I feel bad. And you know what? Maybe you have to choose different friends. My wife sent me a line. When you My wife sent me a beautiful line, when you start respecting yourself, you stop spending time with those who don't. Teach that to your children. They should be spending time with people who respect them. If there's a friend who doesn't respect them, who doesn't respect that they have feelings, that they have emotions, that they have mothers and fathers who care, who are fighting, who are showing up every day. Imagine if somebody would make fun of Morai, right? This wife of yours. Interesting where she goes. Ah, wow. Mai, you did a very good in your house. It's exactly how you raise a I see what happened in your house, right? These are heartless people. They're so clueless. I mean, I'm not even judging them because their trauma is probably from here till China if they can't even acknowledge that. Generally, whenever anyone is judgmental of other families, it's either they're stupid or clueless and traumatized and probably all of them together. So, so empower your children not to be obnoxious and but empower them to know who they are and don't forget that just because our children you know it says and somebody once said just because your child is waking up in the morning and going to yeshiva it doesn't mean he or she does not need all the attachment in the world and that's where we have to make a mental space and mental note you cannot and again I I don't mean to say this bluntly but I When our children turn us into rags and doormats in the name of attachment and kesher navi, we're not doing the work right. You're going to go home now. If all you learned from here is that you should bend over backwards and become a doormat so that your daughters and sons could just step on you and you should say I'm having abuse your mother a little more. A little more. And when you get abused more, you say, "Okay, I don't have an ego." And I always said, "Bluse me more." You You're missing the point. This is not the work. This is detached from Hashem. Just like arrogance is antithetical to avoid hashem. Being a matter, dormat is also antithetical to avoid hashem. Avoid hashem means I am a channel for infinity. How cool is that? I am a channel for infinity. I am a powerhouse. You're powerhouses. You're good people. When I'm there for my daughter who's struggling, I'm not a schleer. I'm not an You guys know what that is? You remember and they're taking these they're taking these kids on vacation of course to the Bahamas and it's costing you money that you don't have and you're resenting it. If I'm doing this work with resentment because I heard this in this lecture, we're we're offline. We're offline. You need to take care of yourself. You will not be able to show up for your children and for your other children. If you are not anchored in your own isama, it's just not going to work. It's like a Hatsah guy who's telling me he's rushing to the hospital. There's no gas in the ambulance. He said, "I don't have time to fill up with gas. I need to take the patient to the hospital." You know what happened, right? The surgery was successful. The patient died cuz he didn't have gas. You need gas. The ambulance needs gas. You can't be shleing people to hospitals all day, metaphorically speaking, when you are not energetic, when you're not alive, when you're not happy. How do you do that? How can I be happy if my kids are miserable? It's a beautiful, beautiful coping mechanism trauma message. How can I be happy when my son is miserable? It's your happiness that will heal your children. It's your happiness that will heal you. Happiness means that I'm not an ego. I'm just I'm just in bliss. I'm God's channel. That's what I am. The more we go into that space, and it's hard because my ego will kack me. The more we go into that space, the more empowered you are. Wow. I could show up for my child with love. That's cool. That's cool. Imagine your daughter comes one o'clock in the morning, right? Dressed like before they had she opens the refrigerator. You're always And of course, every girl says exactly the same thing. There's no food in the house. There's no food in the house. I know your refrigerator has food till the next you already have your apple baked in the freezer. I know how you work. You're OCD on steroids. So she's like there's no food in the house and you're like get out of my house you but but if you felt your soul and your infinity it's like wow I could be here for my daughter now. I'm like it's 1:00 in the morning. Let's go get sushi and my now I don't know that you should do that. I mean you can come to my house and get sushi whatever you want. If you can find my point is this is not about being this is about showing up with your best most beautiful divine sacred sweet wholesome perfect self and radiating that to our loved ones. This is what I want to give my other children. I want to give them that same attitude. I want to tell them this is not a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes. You're in this family. There are challenges in this family. Yeah, we're not the perfect family. Your daddy has some good stuff and he got some aimmons around there. And even your mommy, I mean, not my wife, but some other mommies. You got some flaws. No question. Present company excluded. They're talking about some other women. I could tell that to my children. I could tell that to other siblings. But you know what? We're honest. They know their parents are honest. And you know what? They're going to remember that forever. They're going to remember forever. What do you remember most about your parents? You remember your parents who were impeccable and flawless and untouchable or you remember the moments in your parents when you saw truth and sacrifice and MS and a hashem and a Israel? They're going to remember parents who knew how to face adversity with courage, with vulnerability, with trust. Is there a greater gift that you can give to your other children when you do this with dignity and inner if you can literally just in we just have one minute left address one question that so many asked how to tell it the sibling that to be nice to their struggling sibling on one end but they're not responsible for their healing. to have parents. That's very deep. And I think it's mamish like we would do it. If there's a physical illness, if God forbid there's a brother or sister who has diabetes or has another challenge in their body, whatever it may be, an infection, a disease on anybody have a complete and speedy recovery. But let's say there was something like that in the house. What would we do with the other children? Could we say don't spend time with the other ones? We need to spend more time just because they're not sick. But on the other hand, we want to encourage them to be able to be there for the sibling, but we don't want to take away their childhood from them. We don't want to make them feel they're not allowed to go for a birthday party or they're not allowed to be playful or they're not allowed to go out and play in the snow and make an igloo or a snowman. Your kids make iglows. You don't know what that is. Okay, find out. The Eskimos in Alaska, it's a very big thing. Kesher Navi, it's good. I've been doing it recently. Make iglows with your kids. You shovel until you're exhausted. You don't have to go to the gym. It's a good thing. In any case, you don't want to take away their playfulness from them. On the other hand, on the other hand, they're siblings. So, I think it's an energy that we create. I'm not sure that this is a lecture that we give our children. I think our children learn much more from our presence than from our lectures. At least I have learned that in my life, but I think it's true probably with everybody. I assume with most people at least. And that is I thought when I was younger and stupid I'm still young and stupid but I'm growing up slowly. Um they once told Mayor Shapiro he was there of Lublin you know the author of Dafoy and he was very young when he became the of Lublin which was a huge community and they said you know you're such a young man how could you sit on the throne of of of Lublin where you had the greatest rabbis the Marshall the Maharam you had really great sages in Lublin. Sir Mayor Shapiro said, "You're right and I'm working on that every single day because he's getting older." So in any case, you know, we learn, but I think, you know, we learned that what we communicate with our children is much more than words. Words are almost gurnished. Words are good for Kesha conventions and even then they're not so worth so much. The the deepest thing we give our children is our heartbeat, our energy, our presence. They feel it. They know it. It's the gaze. It's the smile. It's the gesture. It's who you are. It's not what you say. It's not what you say. It's who you are. When my kids are feeling my love to my child who's struggling. And yet the fact that this love doesn't consume me to the point that there's no human being left because then I can't even love you. I can't love somebody if I'm not left. If I'm there's nothing left of me. Our children get that feeling. And that's what we want to communicate through every possible means and much more than words. On one hand, these are your siblings and I think we usually don't have to teach them to care for them. What we have to teach them is their challenge is not something that you are responsible for. But you know what? Your children will learn that when the parents learn that. How much guilt do we have for our children? Now you'll say, well, we made so many mistakes. It's true. But most mistakes that most people made, I could talk about my mistakes are not my fault. They're God's fault. Now, you'll say, "Come on, that's kira." It's not. Most of you did the best you can with the tools you had. Is that true? I have a son. Whenever he wants to make fun of me and he sees I'm upset, he says, "Tati, don't be upset. You did the best you can with the tools you had." And that's like his joke. The best you can. He's 14 years old. He's been doing this for years. You did the best you can with the tools you had. And of course he means to say yeah you found an excuse but but between you and me once said why do we say in the plural we should say imagine you have to apologize to your wife for something. Yeah. You come home and you say we sinned we betrayed. We lied. We showed up late. We forgot to buy kala. We forgot to tell you there's 10 guests. We forgot to get wine. We forgot to pick up schlimy from school. We forgot to go for visiting day. Who's we? Cancelled. Yeah. Cancelled. Done. Next. Go to Kashami yourself. For yourself. What's Hasham knew? But God knew. Gazal knew. The holy card was a student of the bos. He said something pretty daring. He said knew. Who you talking to? Hashem. So you say Hasham knew. You and me together. Really? There's no. There is. But let's face it. Wherever I am today is not a mistake. I had a certain type of father. I have a certain type of mother. I had certain experiences as a child. I come from the Soviet Union where everybody had emotional constipation because of Stalin. You weren't allowed to feel. If you felt, you got shot. Siberia 25 years. It it's paid not to feel. Ribshima once told me that when he started to work with Russian patients in Lakewood, he thought they all had asperers. You remember you told me they all had asperers. Yeah. Then he realized, welcome to Russia. Welcome to Putin. Welcome to Putin's land. You don't feel. If you feel, you end up in Siberia for 50 years. Don't feel. Of course, we have choice. But we only have choice when we realize how little choice we have. When we realize how much how little choice we had, that's when you start mastering your life. When you realize how many wounds you carry, that's when you start having choice. So it's true with our children also. The bad choices we made mostly were not exclusively our guilt. Can you know that? Can you feel that? And can you say that to your children and say that to yourself and say, "And today I do have choice because I know this." And when your other children feel this, they'll be able to experience exactly the same thing. They'll know it's not their fault. On the contrary, they're of Hashem to help this child. And what if they know that it's the opposite? They were put into this family to be agents of healing and love, not to take the blame, which will only paralyze them further. Thank you very much. We're going to have the final. I think Rabua is going to go wild on this one. if we haven't seen it yet. You still have Kayak. If we're channels, we have Kayak. If we're not channels, we can't do anything. Okay. So, I know I know you're connected. Okay. Trying trying every day. I I think this is going to be the last question you're being faced for for the weekend. I want to I want to go in a different direction. First of all, thank thanks to Hashem Hashem. Keshani has become a worldwide organization and people are watching these very videos that we're doing now on many platforms and I want to ask on behalf of Khalis that are watching this people that don't have this ninness and they're asking they're seeing the pain through the speakers and through the literature whatever we give out from Kashani what can clue preventive measures as they're wow you still love That's the question, right? The question of all questions. I could make a mistake right now and give a state of the union address. You know what those look like? How we're going to fix the whole world within the next half an hour. We're going to repair the entire universe. change every yeshiva school daycare center to every home every community every teacher every mechan every mash every cuz they're all tuning into the video right now as I speak and like yeah nothing has been working for us we really want to transform oursel 180 degrees please tell us. Usually people come to that point after a lot a lot of pain and a lot a lot of failure and a lot a lot of struggle. And it's not their fault. We're all that way. Surrendering is very hard. Seeing things from a completely different paradigm is the hardest thing in the world. That's how it is. So, and I think it's important to understand that. So I want to be a little more practical and rather than giving a state of the union address about transforming all of Klas in the next five minutes. However, we're waiting for the however. Yeah, I think let's take it more. Let's make it personal. What can everyone in this room do? What can I do? What can you do? What can we do? And I believe by osmosis, you know, the ripple effect of life, the butterfly effect as they call it, the corona began because one man sneezed in Wuhan, China. He literally sneezed and nobody taught him to put his hand over his mouth like my mother taught me, took his and cover your sneeze and in a few months the whole world was closed down. So if that's what a sneeze can accomplish, the Rambam says, imagine what godliness and can accomplish. Like the says, you know, look at the world as balanced. And I think in a very very practical and intimate way, the greatest thing we can do is heal ourselves. heal ourselves. I know this doesn't sound romantic. I'm sorry. It doesn't sound dramatic. It's like you want to hear, "Let's nuke all the schools." Like, "Let's let, you know, let's hire Iran. Let's hire Iran." That's what you want to [Applause] hear. Right. And that nuke them all in this. I'm just joking, Khalil. I don't mean that literally, but you get my point. It's much more powerful if we're empowered. What I could do, I don't have control. I have control over one person. Barely over him. It's called me barely. I'm working on it. The moment you think you have control over one person outside of yourself, you're living in La La Land. And that's why that's the most powerful thing we can do. The most powerful thing we can do is become truly healthy people. What does that look like? What does really healthy look like? It means for me, for you to face your fears, to face your fears. I know in my life there is a certain cliff that I never went down into. And I've recently discovered, I'm not going to elaborate on this because this is not my personal therapy session, but I've recently discovered that much of my survival instinct is to look away from that cliff and to build a life denying that that cliff and abyss exists. And I did it very well until spaghetti hit the fan. Or as my wise wife says, it works until it doesn't. or in this case it works until one of your kids says so the balatanya writes in one of his every Jew is called anra we're all Hashem's spouse and everyone has their turn that the says it's time for you to show up and the bump says something incredible in writes from the bump why did vashi die because she didn't want to show up. Why didn't she want to show up? Because wanted you to come without clothes. So says as follows. When Hashem is a metaphor for Hashem always in the medish, when Hashem asks you to show up, he wants you to show up without clothes, without coverups, without facades. Vashi, her entire life is a facade. When God says take over the facade, she ceases to exist. Some people their entire existence and survival mechanism is through facades, through coverups. I know I had to turn away from that abyss my entire life and never look there. Which means I built an entire life ignoring the deepest truths of my own pain and my own fear. And I know my avoid if I don't because that abyss spoke to me recently. It said, "You built a whole life by ignoring me, by denying me, which means your truest self is not here." What did that do to me, to my marriage, to my kids? I don't even know. Maybe I'll find out a little bit one day. I'm going to quote my wife again. People don't know what they don't know. That's the biggest issue in healing. People know. People don't know. But the worst is people don't know what they don't know. And then there's even worse and that is you don't know what you don't know and you think you know what you don't know. And that's the worst. It's like when your grandmother went like your mother-in-law starts telling you about how to help your kids, right? I remember when somebody came to my house and said, "You have to explain to her Sneeas." Wow. You get the Nobel Prize for that. You get the Nobel Prize for that. She's only 16 years in this house. She never heard the word sne. You have to explain. They say it with kindness. You have to explain to them that you need to wear a yam. And that's how we live in this house. Mama, I mean, I don't know. Why were you not? Your son never heard about a yam before. He's only 18 years old. He never heard about a yamaka. He only heard about it 19 and a half thousand times in one month. But people don't know what they don't know. But we also don't know what we don't know. We don't know what we don't know. And the greatest gift we can all give ourselves is make a commitment to real real internal healing. It's much harder than everything because this is facing our own darkness. How God has given this generation enormous gifts of healing. There are modalities of healing that were not even available 25 years ago. I believe these are miracles from Hashem for our generation to help us heal ourselves so we can heal our children and they can heal us and we could bring redemption to a world that's aching for healing. There's gifts. Don't ignore these gifts. There's powerful gifts of healing that are available today. Very, very powerful. Extremely. You have to deal with a good support system. People who are responsible, people who will help you. But even those of us who suffered complex complex complex developmental trauma, there are enormous gifts that were not available in a previous generation at least that many of us did not know about. Seize them because the moment we will all start radiating the true energy that we are, your house is going to change forever. You know why? Because you're going to change forever. Your kitchen, your dining room, your bedroom, your marriage, your intimacy, your shabas tables, your dinners, your conversations will never be the same. Your kids will get it like this. Your kids will get it like this. You know, one of the biggest problems in all of our conventions is we have given up on ourselves and we're busy with our kids. And I'm like, that's not true. Nothing happens with our kids. It happens with you. You want your kids to be healthy, become healthy. Stop running to your kids. Your kids, I hate to say this, can be the biggest distraction from authenticity. And it's all in the name of love, love, love, love, love. I need to deal with my trauma. You got to deal with your trauma. We could. We could. God is begging us. I want a relationship with you. I want to have fun with you. I want to connect to you. I want to dance with you. You can only dance with people when they're vulnerable, when they're authentic, when they're not paralyzed in fear and anxiety. And we are. We are. Much of our Judaism is a response to fear, anxiety, more anxiety. Dikas, don't get me going with dickas. I already I'm traumatized. I hear the words whatever. I'm holding by always. If you like my s I'm by I'm done. We're good. Give me the goat and let's go. Let's go. Right. My point is we What does Judaism even look like? What is a blissful a blissful relationship with yourself with Hashem? This is where in a very practical and real way the most deepest change will happen and it's going to radiate. It's going to radiate to your neighbors, to your cousins, to your siblings, to teachers, to educators. And the moment we become allergic to toxicity, the standards will change. People need to become allergic to toxicity. If somebody serves me for a meal, excrement, I vomit. You know when we're going to change? When we all become allergic to toxicity, to stupidity, to lies, to deception, to dysfunctionality, to using God to justify our traumas, and not to connect to ourselves and our children, the more we become connected to our bliss, the more we become allergic to sickness. Hashem, the more you love life, the more you hate evil. The more we live life, the more we don't have patience for toxicity in a very good and empathetic way. Thank you. I'm just going to end up I we have many more questions and the whole world needs to heal. Just want to say quit. Don't say I didn't say the whole I said I need to heal. I need a heal. That was the point. Not the whole world. The whole world that's their business. the from the vagon it says so this shabas from the shabas I was sitting with my wife and she said is which is the other way around is air it's to awaken us so when we look up and we see coming down we see but when we look top down you see air hashem is only sending us awakening why beautiful This class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net. Please help us continue the classes. Make even a small contribution at ww.theshiva.net/donate.