How to deal with my kids? - Rabbi Alon Anava

[Music] I don't know how to win here I don't know the the point is that at this point you first have to start winning them off instead of 3 hours 2 hours and 50 minutes and 2 hours and 40 minutes and then 2 hours and 30 minutes and first you minimize the damage damage control the point is that once the damage is done to reverse it is very very hard the first stage you need to do is damage control is to start reducing it to a point that they at least appreciate it that even if they play once a day one game then it's appreciate appreciated that's where I am now so the point is the thing is like this that this is the problem generation that the neighbors have something you don't want to have or the other kids have something that you don't want to have I'm sorry you need to know how to give a little bit so they're not going to go somewhere else and get a lot of it so that's that's unfortunate in our generation that's why a lot of people say I want to live in AO I want to live in a closed community that everybody's the same but when you don't then you need to know to give the child a a little bit to be at least satisfied and calm the the the the Curiosity because if they'll have too much curiosity they'll go and look for it somewhere else what you need to do as a start is at least minimize it and to control it the point is that this is the bridge that is the hardest to build is to make them understand that it's a secondary thing that it's fun but it's you have to find your way how to teach them that playing football is actually more fun and climbing on a tree is more fun I mean the thing is that the way how I see it brains of kids is a code like a software like a program you go into the code and you change it then you decode the bug this is what hypnotism does because people operate from their subconscious they don't operate from their conscious and and curing people by hypnotism then they go to the subconscious and they change the code I was a very very heavy smoker I used to smoke for 15 years two packs a day like a chain smoker and I quit smoking in one shot hypnotized I was hypnotized and the whole system is that they go to the hypnotist goes to your subconscious Hypno puts you in a state but you wanted to stop smoking of course you have to want but even when you don't really want if it's a good hypnotist he makes a good hypnotism is not an invention this is the Tor of cabala they teach about hypnotism it's basically bridging between your subconscious and the conscious I mean cabala calls it the back brain and the front brain but all the data is held in the back brain in the subconscious if you know how to decode it then you bringing from the subconscious into the conscious so people are able to quit smoking to fight all sorts of habits I mean the concept that is called a addiction it's an invention of Our Generation there such thing as an addiction just a very poor way of handling your desires that's it I mean at some point it comes to a very when somebody really abuses it then physically the addiction it's already physical but anything can be reversed because the mind is much more stronger than the body you have to find the way how you're decoding the program in the back of the mind and it all depends how much the damage is done if the damage I'm saying damage in a in a in know extreme way but the old depends how much the damage is done that you slowly slowly have to repair it the point is that you have to first start minimizing the damage the time that is spent and enticing them to to to see that it's actually B it's much more fun to do something normal than to be glued to something I mean I also when I was a kid we also had we didn't have Place whatever we had atar Nintendo I don't even remember the names so we played okay once a week we played I mean the games were also fun but in my mind was much more fun to go out and drive my bike and do tricks or to climb on a tree or to I don't know what to explore and go on trips in the in the fields so how the child sees things so you have to try to figure out how you taking taking taking them out of the mode and one of the ways of doing is actually taking them on all sorts of activities that are fun taking them to the beach or I don't know renting a jet ski one day or whatever excuse me science whatever you take you stimulate their hey wait a minute there's actually much more fun here than there because really when you're thinking about it their brain you know it's totally shut down it's just the fingers moving you know it's some weird operation if you actually expose to them other ways of fun things they'll be like hey wait a minute it's actually more fun to do that and you slowly slowly take them take them off cuz for kids a lot of things are real fun take them to an amus Park it's fun take them to a water park it's even more fun then it's not fun for me I mean I mean I know I know and as far as why it should be fun for you water park and practical when they coming home from school you can't go home to amus park you do it once every two weeks every three weeks I mean listen you have to be again like you have to be practical so the thing is that in our generation especially that the Temptation is around the fence all they need to do is go to a neighbor then you have to know know how to mon monitor it that that they do get something it's like a drug addict he needs a little bit of the drug but you minimize it and you try to empower positive things because a little bit of light diminishes a lot of Darkness you just have to inject a lot of positive things and I mean your husband looks like a pretty cool father he needs to do a lot of cool things with him that they really find fun and boys they like action I mean the the screen it's just a a a brain killer kids needs to be constantly simulated I mean they you have to take them as much as possible to afternoon activities whatever Sports they like I mean a lot of I know a lot of people like no I don't want them to do too many secular things no the kids need to do Sports they need to hit things and they need to jump on things and get them excited physically it they by themselves will see that it's much more fun to do extreme things and you have to yeah use your imagination okay and if I have a son who's specifically very much not in sports but with computers that's where he gets his biggest like confidence this because he's so good at it are there things that the r knows about like um I don't know like ways to use it for to use a talent that has to do with these screens and these types of electronics and elevated it well it depends what it does I don't know yet he's little but how little 12 not so little and what does he like he Minecraft things and he's building things and he's creating things in his mind but he's but he's actually writing code and creating things I think he would be good I think so you Empower that so maybe in two three years he can become a programmer that's nothing to do right now with Kusa because a man also needsa he can pull the Kusa out of the parasa by taking his money and giving Saka and sending his kids to Yeshiva and so forth and all these things but regardless to that maybe down the line he'll build apps that have learning on them and all sorts of Hightech things that have K in it but if a child has a certain talents to it it's nothing to do with right now with Kus if you see that is something that is very very extra good in it then you feed it cuz he can go and learn it later on you can be a profession and he will don't worry you can utilize Kusa in everything later on if he starts already learning in a very early stage if he's now like this 12 then 14 he can already start writing code so you start telling him hey let's make like a program that uh I don't know I can come up with an idea right now but let's make a problem a program that calculates I don't know what or you you make something that's you can learn through it whatever you can always apply technology into into Torah but definitely when you see some kid that is is has a certain talents to something then you want to feed it because every every person has a talent and once the talent is being is in the developing process that's one thing but when the talent is 100% it reached its peak then then it has to be used to so the talent can be dancing can be an instrument can be anything drawing any little thing is a talent every person the talent just didn't come up from space Shem gave that person the talent and you utilize the talent to over that AEM so he has unbelievable Talent with computers I don't know maybe in 2 3 years he'll build software that will serve synagogues I don't know what yeah so the issue is and specifically maybe R not elsewhere but usually these amazingly extracurricular activities he'll be the only one with the keepon and he's told me a few times he doesn't care it's fine by him and I sort of trust him I really do trust him like he'll be a good examp like he'll be sort of forc into well leader is that a bad decision no it's okay the thing is I'll tell you what you want to do you want to make sure that you and your husband do something in that type of community and that it doesn't affect you that he will see like oh my dad can go and sit with a group of people that are not religious and instead of being affected from them he affects them by here and there throwing a or something or just by holding him a certain way that he will by default say oh it doesn't affect my father it shouldn't affect me so I specifically take my kids on lectures and classes and when I do all sorts of Acts of Outreach so they'll see oh it doesn't affect my father that he's talking to a man that doesn't have a yamak or a beard or he can talk to a group of young girls and it doesn't need to affect him so the child makes a separation okay I'm religious they're not religious they religious should not affect me that I'm not religious I mean the decision is right you want to make sure that he is that he is out there here you want to make sure that he has the motion that it doesn't affect him one way of doing it is giving an example and the other way is you teach him by saying you know when you go to the H make sure that when somebody tells you something you say you pull out something to drink say out loud show them show them what it means be a now you have to to represent us now make sure your tisus is nice and clean outside or you keep then don't curse don't scream you you we're from represent us they're not from teach them if you put in him this motion that you are sh you're representing Hashem right now so you have to first make sure that it's not a bad thing I know a lot of people say no no no no segregate first of all if you trust the thing is like this if you could put build midot in the child doesn't matter where you're going to put him it's not going to affect him and 12 is already the age that you can say okay if you 100% are are strong with the the midot that you gave him are solid he can go anywhere he's not going to affect him because when a person is in the motion of projecting he's not in the motion of receiving that's why what you give to the children the foundation in the home is so powerful because at some point you're saying I'll put my child here now nothing's going to affect him and if his his foundation is not solid then he'll get affected same thing with the games if you do it in a very powerful and solid way they will go to the friends and say in our home we only play half an hour we don't play two hours they to to the friend but it's all about the foundation that the child you have to understand that you build the child if you give confidence to the child then the child he can be seven and be strong like where we live my three-year-old she goes every Friday with an older teenager that goes in the streets and they give candles for Shabbat she three-year-old she comes and she stops people shabbat shalom take candles you build this this I don't know the the the the word in English a certain certain the child becomes very powerful not only confident in his zish kite yeah you know sometimes my kids they come home they say funny things the the they're the non-jewish people no they aren't Jewish they just don't wear yamaka but sometimes they have all sorts of you know my four-year-old 5-year-old they're like oh these are no no Jewish because we lived in America so for them somebody Yak yaka is not Jewish but they learn that there are people that they're not keeping nothing wrong with them and we tell them your grandparents they don't keep to your cousins we didn't keep to half of our life but if you put this this what's the word you use the confidence in The yish Kite nothing will affect them and they'll only get this confidence in you and your husband are like that that your husband goes in the streets with a yamak and a beard and a Talis on Shabbat even if he wants to carry the Talis put it on you the the the the the the act that I'm I'm proud to wear at theit it's an honor to wear at Elite so what whatever you give as an example if you want to make sure that he's solid and make sure that you if you you take him somewhere and you show him an act of how you are proud of you you being from and you don't you know a lot of from people the parents they hide the or what no no you have to show show the certainty so it's a smart thing to do cuz you want him to be in the world cuz he lives in the world he goes down up and down the street 80% of the people who are in the street are not from so you you're not keeping him in a in an isolated place so he has to be very solid in his in in his amuna and his yish that this is how we are This Is How They are this is how I am I have to affect them so you have to build in him the these very solid foundations so he'll go to the H he'll be very proud and he's not going to even see an issue that his room and they're not he'll see eye to eye this is the problem with a lot of f people and they with which is very very wrong that the whoever is not religious can't play with him first of all kids they do hold Grudge yeah of course most of the messed up people is kids that hold Grudge because their parent did something 70 years ago and if the parent is able to lower himself and say I was wrong then first of all besides the the the direct effect the child is like hey he's actually acknowledging he still thinks I'm guilty of everything from but still it's a all different thing knows this is the problem with a lot of people especially in in not only with kids to be able to apologize and most people that they'll come and say they'll find all the excuses why they're right and has nothing to do if you're right or not you did something wrong you apologize and this is a very very very hard level to reach that you know when to say sorry I didn't mean to I couldn't control myself I shouldn't have said that a lot of people think oh no I'm I'm I'm making myself a no you're not you're actually making yourself much much greater you're humbling yourself you you're asking about for the 18yar old or for the young ones I think I mean for the 18y old an 18-year-old you almost SK do barely anything for right at this point I mean at 18 years old unfortunately there's not nothing much to do not much okay just to give them love to to include them in everything like you're saying it's not so from at this point the only thing you can do is just give him unconditional love be don't be don't like don't be judgmental accept him I mean you can tell him straightforward listen I I respect that you chose this is the path you choose I don't like it he needs to know you don't like it I respect it but at least respect me back and next to the young ones I mean be have certain way is a very hard one because each child Thea comes from a different place one child Thea will come from lack of attention so they need to get attention so they'll somehow pull your attention by by answering back another child the will come from the point that the personality is that they have to be the center of everything so they'll cause Havoc so they'll be the center some people the directly from their their n is is annoyed so the the reaction will be so each child will be from a totally different reason some child will be because he feels that the parent is not giving them what they what he wants the right attention doing that to my son and my son earned it sometimes yeah sometimes the parent you know you know doesn't have patience or or the problem is I'll tell you what's the problem that when a child is small if the parent shes off the child a lot then the reaction down the line will be that's one of the problems get attention there nothing to do with attention right now it can be even from a very you know uh not revengeful way from like a I'm a person you know notice so you have to first of all you have to see where theah is coming from it depends on so many different ways that unfortunately there's not a black and white answer and also when there's a very large grap of Ages that's another problem it's don't filled in but there's all the ages but no but then there was a very large gap of Ages that's also a problem cuz one will beah because he's 18 and the seven-year-old would look oh the big one does it so I can do it too and he doesn't understand that it's even wrong unfortunately there's not a black and white answer I find that the to to to fight something negative with with a negative action doesn't help it's almost like coming to a doctor and telling the doctor you know I have pains somewhere my elbow or my shoulder and they'll try to treat the area that you have the pain which is it's not the right way if you're looking no not only that if you looking at the Chinese medicine you come and tell them my my shoulder hurts they'll poke your knee why because when an organ is weak you don't try to strengthen the organ because the organ is weak you strengthen a strong organ cuz the body is strong enough to put it back in Balance so when you try to to fight something negative with the negativity it's it's not going to do any effect rather you want to strengthen something from from a completely different place and what it does that it will cause some type of a balance some type of a healthy balance so to necessarily scream or punish or you said this I'll do this I mean I didn't I didn't get to mention in the class at all about but the whole threatening system bad because most of the threats were not going to car first of all then exactly when you don't carry out the threat you back to being a liar I still haven't given away all their toys no that more more than that kids you know any person who wants to be threatened take an adult now and threaten him like so kids don't like being threatened so you have to work in a very reverse psychology type of way because threats don't work and unfortunately most of the basic punishments they they don't they don't do it the kids just get upset and why am I getting punished right now he also said it and he's not getting punished right now so you have to try to understand this the psychology in the in the seven-year-old brain or the 14y old brain their brains are not developed even the 18-year-old is not developed no no I'm telling you the the the child that the individual gets D the level of D when they're 20 so even an 18-year-old as much as they think they're developed it's not 100% needless to say a 14-year-old and so much more than a seven-year-old you have to try to dig into the mind of the seven-year-old or the 14y old cuz you were once 14y old try to analyze where is this Behavior coming from why would I be when I need to analyze my kids Behavior I go into the time machine why I did that I was once I was once rebellious I was once I did this this and this what caused me to do it and I try to go back in the time machine maybe I didn't get attention maybe I felt threatened maybe I felt neglected maybe I felt I don't [Music] know so first of all you have to look at the spir the spiritual aspect that's the first thing that I look at because a child any person not only a child even an adult an adult that has some type of a spiritual deficiency it will come out in the negative way it will come out in screaming it will come out in violent movements it will come in it will come in so look now at every average driver you you you don't accelerate within the fraction of a second when the is green screaming cursing How I mean where's it why is it coming from it's coming from a spiritual deficiency and a lot of people say no I don't see any connection it's coming from a spiritual deficiency meaning that something in the N is lacking so the the the the the reaction will be a violent negative reaction physically so it might come in screaming cursing pushing throwing so ultimately it's coming from a spiritual place that's if you want to look it in a general way now if if they're under bar and B Mitzvah then you psycho analyze yourself and your husband because it will affect the child a seven year old shouldn't be doesn't doesn't make sense unless all day long they're watching shows that that's what they see unless the parents are like that if the parents are don't don't come to any complaints to the child so no it's mostly my the problem is not necessarily with the with the 11-year-old and the 16-year-old the 11-year-old also goes in the street and she sees things the point is that you have to find your way how you manipulating the situation that there shouldn't be these questions so first of all it starts with with you and your husband I mean you you do your best you know you can't you don't at some point you don't have control you do your best to give a a dgma to give an example but the thing is that yish has to be presented to a child in a very enticing and exciting way and not in a in a choking and a horrible way yeah every every the thing is that you know your children much better than anyone and each child is totally different naturally she's take to consideration I know it's not a good answer but take to consideration that the problem of the generation is and it says it says m in the that right before mashia will the is going to be very very very dominating you can blame 50% on the generation and right before mashiah is coming my motherinlaw told me to sign they have their own minds and they're strong and basically what it means that spiritually all the people who are it means that spiritually the N is is annoyed okay agitated that's spiritually what it means then a person is can be a 12y old can be a 7y old can be a 60-year-old cuz all if you're looking at it like logically you know where is it coming this it's Aid it's the opposite of it's of being humble the thing is again there's no black and white like I told the lady before you have to psychoanalyze everything and you have to you know every child has to get his own dose and you have to be Superwoman to each child what dose they're getting and some you know some children you know when they pull a lot you have to sometimes let them let them pull and as they're pulling you throwing in what they want yeah I mean there is constantly a relationship of a taking and giving and taking and giving and children are usually in the motion of taking constantly very little in the PO point of giving so it's the same trick of the you know the spoon that flies and you know you put the spoon in the mouth the same idea you you you giving but you know you comes in a motion here I'll take I'll give you what you want but I'll put my dose in it so with my oldest if you if you push he pushed back with my with my the one under him she always says push me or else I won't yeah a child is totally totally different you have to know you know the child you created it him he she when she was born in the hospital my husband picked her up he said number eight what haven't we seen yet show us what we haven't seen yet I mean the first thing that you have to really take to consideration is a b each child is totally totally different and there's no black and white rules and the thing is that very bad example but a child is like an animal because a child you know gets more aroused by the midot excitement like an animal they put a steak in front of a dog it will start you know getting all excited child I'm saying it in in an extreme way but a child is just mid it gets excited you have to really learn what excites the child and then inject in it your your medicine that's it this is the the way to look at it and again to take to consideration that many things from the environment they irritate comes from irritation why why would you be be you irritated if you're not irritated look at your own self if you come and happy you know for example on vacations people are much more because they're relaxed people become because they're irritated so in Israel people because it's 36 Dees outside so they're they're irritated and things are irritating them so by default comes out as a as an action you have to see if and why what irritates the kids something irritates them I mean again it's not black and white but ultimately there's no you have to really psychoanalyze the kid at some point you have to be smart and and and with kids the more you bump into them there's not going to be results that's why the screaming and the punishing and the taking and the this doesn't work threatening don't doesn't work kids don't even like that don't appreciate it at some point in their limited mind they're like why are you punishing like you know what they say who you are to punish me so the point is that you want to you want to become on their team I mean if you can win them you join them and at a certain point also I want them to know find their own guidelines not only because I'm telling them or I'm going to be there and the most important is giving example so don't worry kids sometimes they like taking you know the long route they don't realize that taking the short routes will get them faster they need to go that's why the 18-year-old sometime okay let him do a circle we we always joke that one day that joke I always found they say one day your brothers and sister kids are going to the book by you so after yeah no that I would that don't worry about it I don't get impressed by the the ones who go for a little stroll fine they're going and and and collecting some some Sparks here and there they'll come back that that I won't worry about it I I was raised my husband came into and I learned more from his way through what he's taken on his own than what you know growing up so I'm not the thing is that he know he he knows the 18-year-old he knows where he came from you just make sure that where he came from is constantly his support system he comes with yamaka without a yamaka he wants he he needs to be accepted and loved with the yamaka or without the yamaka don't worry he'll come back one day with the yamaka don't worry they all come back at some point they they you know I'm now helping an individual he's in his late 20s came from a kabad family and when he was extremely young he already spread his wings and now he's back oh yeah he's going to have a lot of struggles now but he's back they all come back and you know the greater the the further the the DOR is the the stronger they come back to the point is that the parents you you have to to to constantly have the role of of giving an example and if you lose your balance over something that child detects this that you're not 100% strong so he knows where to poke if you're showing the child you can do whatever you want you're not going to move me from my point my grandson